HUGE PRIK KING

May 7, 2014

What did one ball say to the other? "Who's the prik king in the middle?"

I know what they’ve been saying. All that negativity and name-calling! I can dismiss it as petty jealousy, a result of being this awesome. But even though you can interpret it as a compliment, it still hurts. You know? Packing heat is a blessing, but goddamn! Even the most gifted culinary Casanovas have feelings that get bruised when mean things are said. So what if someone calls me the Prik King? Clearly they are jealous of my royal status and largess of dowry. All the red curry and green beans in the world won’t change the fact that I am living the dream, while they can only dream. It’s a start. But why can’t we compromise? Perhaps the haters could learn from me instead and in turn use their new skills to create a better life. OR they can keep smack talking and in turn make me look even cooler and more dangerous to the opposite sex. Either way, I win. But there’s room for more winners on the podium. Read the rest of this entry »


DIDDLE THAT COUS COUS

May 2, 2014

Cous cous makes my libido go toot toot

Attention to detail is essential in all aspects of life. You can’t nail the big picture until the small picture gleams. Take your time to familiarize yourself with any new playground you trollop around in. The last thing you want to do is roughhouse where you should be graceful like a pirouetting ballerina. Diddle with care and you will go far. That is how this cous cous dish went from a mundane readymade staple to an incendiary side that will diddle your date’s taste buds. Hear that? That is the sound of your date’s reluctance to bang you fizzling right out the window. You may now diddle freely. Read the rest of this entry »


JUEVOS GRANDE RANCHEROS

April 25, 2014
This dish's sexy quotient runs deeper than the Rio Grand

This dish's sexy quotient runs deeper than the Rio Grand

Hola, muchachos!  So it’s breakfast once again.  You’re ready for enough sustenance to satisfy the biggest machismo tough guy, but delicate enough to seduce the daintiest of conquests.  Good thing you have juevos grande…rancheros of course!  This classic Mexican desayuno is packed to the brim with black bean APHRODISIAC goodness, loaded with protein egg power and filled with veggie delights to keep you banging for years to come.  Your date’s health can only improve with you in their life because making a dish like this is incredibly thoughtful.  Well played!  I prepared this meal for a senorita of my own who was surprised that a gringo was able to serve up authentic juevos rancheros.  They were nearly as tasty as the siesta we took after breakfast.  Adios, mi amigos! Read the rest of this entry »


CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP FOR THE TAINTED SOUL

January 27, 2014

Chicken noodle soup to the rescue!

We all get sick from time to time. You would think that since I made a pack with the devil for success in my blogging efforts, I would never get sick. I thought the same thing. But then I took home a hottie with a cough. Turns out the one nightstand turned into a 1 week lay down in my bed. Don’t worry, it wasn’t swine flu. But I was unable to even text booty calls to service my aching body. So when I was strong enough to leave the house, I bought myself all the ingredients to make me healthy once more. Winging a traditional wholesome recipe, I created a soup that nourished me mind, body, and tainted soul. I was up and at ‘em by days end, ready to get back to my tomfoolery. Being the good Samaritan, I even delivered some soup to that sickened hard-body who infected me. Pish posh to those who say I don’t give back to the community! Read the rest of this entry »


MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE

August 14, 2013
making out on your bed.

Holy mole, Batman! You got Cat Woman and Poison Ivy right where you want them: making out on your bed.

I hope you’re not too busy because your calendar is about to get busy. Learn to make this dish right and you won’t be lacking in dinner dates for a long time. Meet the enchanting Mexican mole. The chili/chocolate APHRODISIAC double play rides backseat to the powerful array of flavors rocking this dish. The Aztec, Italian, Spanish and Mexican cultures together inspired what became a literal melting pot of delicious cuisine. Chicken will never be the same after you bake it in what is in essence spicy chocolate sauce. Mole has warmed up my winter turning my street cred platinum. I have hotties I barely know inquiring via facebook when I’ll make them say “Holy mole!” Soon. Very soon. Read the rest of this entry »


FINE AS HELL BELL PEPPER SOUP

January 2, 2012
With this soup, you'll always say, "Check mate!"

With this soup, you’ll always say, “Check mate!”

You are looking oh so fine!
I’ll warm you up and make you mine,
Ignore these less than stellar rhymes,
Just say yes to a little wine and dine!

Your creamy texture makes me yell,
I get all bent for your spicy smell,
Orgasms peak at the dinner bell,
Making the pious say, “What the hell?”

You make a player from a leper
A cocky bastard from a half-stepper
I collect coin with every endeavor
Cause you’re my little bell pepper.

rep pepper soup prepTotal time: approximately 80 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: LECHEROUS LEPRECHAUN

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ tsp of CAYENNE PEPPER
2. ½ tsp of cumin
3. 1 can of chicken stock (veg for vegan)
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. ½ can of coconut milk
6. Black pepper to taste
7. ½ tsp of garlic salt
8. 3 red bell peppers
9. 1 onion chopped coarsely

Step 1
Roast the bell peppers in the oven at 400 degrees F until the skin blackens (approx 45 min).  Remove from oven and throw them in a sealed bag.  Refrigerate until they cool (approx 15 min), remove the skin and chop coarsely.rep pepper soup roast

Step 2
While awaiting the peppers to cool, sauté the onions with the olive oil on medium heat.  Add the garlic salt, cayenne pepper and cumin and cook in the flavor (approx 5 min).  Add the red bell peppers and the black pepper and let them soak up some taste (approx 2 min).rep pepper soup saute

Step 3
Pour in the stock, bring to a roaring boil, and then simmer closed until the veggies soften (approx 15 min).  Puree the madness and then add the coconut milk and stir thoroughly.rep pepper soup simmer pureerep pepper soup served 2

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TWICE BANGED POTATOES

November 16, 2011
Because banging once is never enough!

Because banging once is never enough!

Why bang once when you can bang twice or thrice and on and on?  The first banging session is a warm up, a mulligan if you will.  Sure it’s like the first ascent of a famed mountain peak, but sometimes you are too exhausted to really take in the view.  Now that you’re onto round two you can savor it.  You’ve been here before, so you are appreciating new aspects like the pubic foliage.  I hope that the arduous journey (cooking) was worth the destination (banging).  It would have to be if you are coming back for a sequel.  If Godfather II, Empire Strikes Back and Evil Dead 2 taught us anything, it’s that the second time can be sweeter than the first.  So warm that shit back up for late night spooning. Read the rest of this entry »


SUN-DRIED SEX APPEAL PASTA

September 26, 2011
Enjoy this pasta responsibly by wearing at least SPF 15 when you bang outdoors.

Enjoy this pasta responsibly by wearing at least SPF 15 when you bang outdoors.

All that time in the sun will do one of two things: in youth, it makes you look hotter and more desirable; but as the years wear on, all that sunlight can reduce your body to a leather handbag.  I have witnessed many sun-worshipping hotties wither away in a matter of years.  What a waste of a perfectly hard body.  Anyway…this digression was brought to you by Coppertone suntan lotion.  The point to all this warbling is that drying yourself out in the sun is not sexy, but doing the same to a tomato makes my engines revs.  See I’m totally gay for tomatoes as is.  But when you concentrate the lycopene-laced flavor and it becomes like Spanish Fly.  Sex appeal oozes at your pores the moment you throw the sun-dried love into the mix.  This simple pasta dish went from a subdued “Yay…” to a scream-from-the-highest-rooftop “How you like me now?!”  Enjoy this pasta responsibly by wearing at least SPF 15 when you bang outdoors. Read the rest of this entry »


BE AMAZED GLAZED SCALLOPS

February 14, 2011

Get blazing with an amazing glazing.

The only way to be a true player is to wow your date into submission. It needs to be clear that not banging you is their loss. That requires excellence in all that you do. Cooking is an obvious extension of the pursuit of perfection. Nail one or two recipes and you have a repertoire perfect for attracting and seducing new play pals. It’s those little things they will remember and recount to their friends when they are gabbing over coffee or cosmos. So you want to be the centerpiece of conversation singing your accolades rather than picking apart your extension flaws. A good first impression on their mouth can outshine even your ruthless lothario instincts. So be amazing at all times. Glaze some scallops with tangy temptation, and then kick back and let their attraction boil over. Read the rest of this entry »


SHAKE YOUR POM POMEGRANATE SALAD

December 28, 2010
Pom pom pomegranate, pom pom pomegranate, pomegranate, master of fruit!

Pom pom pomegranate, pom pom pomegranate, pomegranate, master of fruit!

The seedy, juicy, messy Biblical fruit has invaded my kitchen.  This so-called super fruit is fabled to combat cancer, heart disease and ugliness.  The juice stains deep red so it has to be the mark of something special, right?  Naturally, wanting to make sure my readers are not only sexually satisfied, but healthy enough to enjoy the vigorous exercise associated with banging, I am bringing the pomegranate into the COOK TO BANG fold.  The seeds are a challenge to set free, but the joy they bring with each bite make them well worth the trouble.  It’s not unlike removing a stubborn bra: you may jam your finger in an effort to set free a pair of glorious juggernauts.  A little extra effort will pay off dividends when your date is touched by your concern for their health.  Come dessert time it will be paid forward and hopefully again for breakfast.  Now go on and shake it until you make it! Read the rest of this entry »