September 22, 2009
Oh boy, steamed bok choy!
In an effort to make up for my excess of blaspheming in yesterday’s post, please accept this most healthy atonement. I never run out of praise for the Japanese culture for the joy they bring to my life from ninjas to bukake. Above all other things, I worship their healthy, yet delicious food. To make things taste that good without turning you into a sumo wrestler takes millenniums of practice. I have bedded my share of geishas using their dishes. Most of my recipes are at least influenced by Japanese low-fat cooking methods. One could say I have a Japanese fetish. But if loving a culture that create sushi, ninjas and hentai porn is wrong, than I will join the majority of the male population in screaming: Thank you oh so very very much! Now heat up some water because it’s about to get steamy up in here!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer, sake or Sake Bombs!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 3 baby bok choy
3. ½ lemon
Step 1
Steam the baby bok choy until the leaves wilt and become bright green (approx 25-30 min). Remove from the steam, squeeze lemon over them add the soy sauce. You now have one of the most sexy, simple side dishes ever conceived by man…or samurai!
Leave a Comment » | 
asian, healthy, Japanese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: Asia, asian, atonement, baby bok choy, bang, banging, blaspheme, bukake, delicious, DIY, Don’t be coy book choy, easy, fetish, food, game changer, geisha, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hentai, homemade, intercourse, japan, Japanese, kitchen, lemon, libido, millenniums, naked, ninja, porn, recipe, sake bombs, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, steamed bok choy recipe, steamy, sumo wrestler, sushi, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
September 21, 2009
Can you fig it? Yes you can! Can we fig it? Yes we will!
As long as you can fig it, we can dig it! At least that’s what Eve told me when I crashed a party at the Garden of Eden. It was a pretty epic throw down with animals of paradise serving up all manner of hors d’oeuvres from the bountiful fruit found in the garden. God was DJ’ing, digging in his crate of music not-yet-invented to keep the party hopping. The best part was that everyone was naked, unaware that their hot bodies were meant to cause them shame. Adam was too busy discussing his odd mass of body hair around his pubic region with my wingman the snake to notice that I had led Eve away to fix her up some food of biblical awesomeness. I gathered all the goods throughout the garden and slapped it together. Did you know English muffins grew on trees before Original Sin? Eve was all about it and more than down to commit sins not yet documented. Post-coital, totally out of breath, Eve was hungry once more. I was on my way out, but my man the snake that just whooped Adam’s ass in a nectar-drinking contest, tossed her an apple as we vanished into history once more.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA or holy water (just add vodka)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise (or your favorite condom-ment)
2. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
3. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
4. 1 English muffin
5. 1 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
Step 1
Split the English muffin in half and toast it. Spread a little mayo or the condom-ment that gets you the wettest. Add green onion, tomato, avocado and crown it all with some kick ass figs.
Serve it up to your date and commence with some original sin!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vegetarian | Tagged: adam & eve, avocado, awesomeness, bang, banging, basil, bible, biblical, can you dig it?, delicious, DIY, dj, drinking contest, easy, English muffin, fig, Fig sandwich recipe, food, forbidden fruit, fruit, game changer, garden of Eden, get laid, god, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, hors d'oeuvres, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mayonnaise, naked, nectar, original sin, pubic hair, recipe, sandwich, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sinwich, snake, tasty, toast, tomato, veggies, wingman, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 15, 2009
2 sexy, satisfied customers
So upon special request, I am posting these antics from Friday night at a bar in New York. The setting: my birthday in NY with lots of near and dear friends. We were seated next to a fireplace and someone suggested we roast s’mores. Naturally I was challenged to make it happen. So a little tipsy and rather determined, I stepped out into the rainy night at midnight in search of ingredients. The chocolate and cookies (no bodega in NY carries graham crackers) were easy to find. The marshmallows not so much. But resourceful was my middle name and I found a restaurant that serves hot chocolate with marshmallows. They handed me a tub of marshmallows free of charge partly because I am so goddamn charming, but also since it was my birthday and they probably didn’t want a drunk fool scaring the customers. Next I went up to my hotel room, broke a wooden coat hanger for the metal wiring and was back to my friends in 15 minutes. After clearing it with the establishment, we were roasted marshmallows in the fireplace. Women flocked like hipsters to mustache wax. I have discovered the greatest pickup line EVER: “S’mores?” You’re welcome!
Total time: approximately 2 minutes per S’more
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Whatever is in your hand
Ingredients (for 10 happy customers, or 5 greedy ones):
1. 10 marshmallows
2. 1 CHOCOLATE bar
3. Round cookies (graham crackers unavailable)
Step 1
First you need a fireplace in a bar. Next you need track down your ingredients (or come prepared). Find a metal wire or wooden stick and place your marshmallow on the end of it. Roast it to your preferred level of gooeyness (I like mine a little charred). Slap the marshmallow on the cookie, add a sliver of chocolate and VOILA!
If you can’t at least pull a phone number you are a sucka!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SEDUCTION, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bar, bodega, chocolate, cookies, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, graham crackers, guarantee, homemade, hotel, intercourse, kitchen, libido, marshmallows, naked, new york, nyc, pickup, pua, recipe, roast, S’mores recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, tasty, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 3, 2009
Pity Party table for one?
No, it’s not your pity party and you can’t cry if you want unless you like public ridicule. So you struck out last night. In spite of your best efforts to woo, you still slept alone last night. Don’t be so mopey. It happens to all of us. A little slump now and again will make you appreciate your mojo all the more. Still, you deserve a little romance. We all deserve to feel special. In sexual bear markets, cook to bang yourself. You know that at least you will put out to you. Cook yourself a fine ass breakfast after a passionate night with that sexy bastard in the mirror. Who loves you?
Total time: approximately 6 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 large pita
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 3 eggs
6. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful feta cheese
8. 1 small handful chopped parsley
9. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
10. 1 onion chopped coarsely
Step 1
Beat the eggs with salt, pepper and parsley.
Step 2
Sauté the onion in olive oil (approx 2 min). Dump the eggs into the pan and scramble (approx 3 min), crowning it with the feta cheese.
Step 3
Split the pita in half and open up the middle. Stuff half the eggs into each, followed by the tomato and avocado.
Serve these with a side of SALSA if you’re feeling a little caliente.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, greek, healthy, Middle Eastern, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bear market, breakfast, cry if I want to, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, masturbation, mojo, morning, naked, pita breakfast sandwich, pity party pita breakfast recipe, recipe, romance, seduce, SEDUCTION, self pity, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 27, 2009
Cook To Bang is coming at you with the breakfast re-re-re-re-re-remix!
A good COOK TO BANG groove deserves to be remixed. In the age of recycling chic, why wouldn’t you turn one outstanding meal into another equally memorable meal? Think of this thriftiness the way you would an old lover who used to be an overweight hippie harlot and now is a svelte yummy yuppie. Sure there is some familiarity when you bang them again, but for the most part it’s like banging someone completely fresh and new. Salad is like a condom; it doesn’t keep long after it’s been opened. So you need to be fast with reconfiguring the leftovers before they become a pathetic pile of wilted goop. Breakfast seems the most appropriate and expedited opportunity for you to bring leftover salad back to life like Frankenstein’s monster. Mix it up with bagel, eggs and sauce and IT’S ALIVE!!!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 3 tbsp of Pindjur (Turkish roasted red pepper spread)
2. 1 tbsp olive oil
3. Leftover salad
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 dash pepper
6. 2 eggs
7. 1 bagel
8. ½ onion chopped coarsely
Step 1
Beat the eggs with salt and pepper.
Step 2
Sauté the onion with olive oil. Pick all the goodies from your salad (e.g. tomatoes, olives, radish, etc.) and sauté them as well. Pour in the egg mixture and scramble your little heart out.
Step 3
Cut the bagel in ½ and toast. Scoop the Pindjur on the bagel, scoop on some scrambled eggs and throw the lettuce from the salad on top.
Serve up this breakfast salad sandwich in bed to your good morning companion.
1 Comment | fusion, healthy, Middle Eastern, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bagel, bang, banging, breakfast, Breakfast salad sinwich remix, condom, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, Frankenstein, game changer, get laid, gourmet, groove, guarantee, hippie harlot, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leftovers, libido, MORNING WOOD, naked, olive oil, onion, pepper, pindjur, recipe, remix, salad, salt, scramble, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, svelte, tasty, thriftiness, toast, yummy, yummy yuppie | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 4, 2009
Squish squash, let's get sauced!
This side dish is soft to the touch, yet crunchy in all the right places. As described, this does not sound like the hard-body of summer vegetable concoctions. But this dish could help you get that hard beach body all the cool kids seem to be having these days. This casserole is light, full of flavor and pack a wallop of flavor-filled fungasms. This particular dish was an experiment in how to cook summer squash besides on the grill. A tough act to follow. It provided great company for the grilled chicken I served to this annoying date. The date was a bust, but luckily I got my jollies from this casserole. The silver lining never tasted so good.
Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Nice cold beer or white wine
Ingredients:
1. 1 tbsp breadcrumbs
2. 2 tbsp olive oil
3. 1 dash paprika
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 onion chopped coarsely
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2-ounces goat cheese
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Grease a baking pan or deep wide pie-pan with olive oil. Chop the squash into ½ inch rounds. Line the pan with a layer of squash rounds, throw the onions over and crown with half of the goat cheese. Set down another layer, use the rest of the goat cheese and crown with green onions. Pour the remaining olive oil, season with paprika and salt, and evenly distribute the breadcrumbs over the top.
Step 2
Throw the squash in the oven and bake until the veggies soften and the top browns (approx 45 min). Serve up on plates as a lunch or to compliment an ENTRÉE.
2 Comments | healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, summer, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, baked squash, bang, banging, breadcrumbs, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fungasm, game changer, get laid, globe squash, globe squash casserole recipe, goat cheese, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, onion, paprika, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, squishy squashy casserole recipe, summer, tasty, vegetables, vegetarian, veggies, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 30, 2009
They host, you boast...to your friends after the act.
The COOK TO BANG has been proven by the superstring theory via that supercollider in the Swiss Alps. Effective as CTB may be, every once in a while you want to take your sexy cooking show on the road. Why not take your wares to your dates pad? It’ll seem spontaneous and romantic, even if you just don’t feel like cleaning up the mess after your done banging. The plot is to show up to their place with a bag of groceries and commandeer their kitchen like some hungry pirate. Soon you will be swashbuckling about with their pots and pans and will eventually end up without shirts or pants, just an eye patch and a dirty-talking parrot. Sure your date may be technically hosting, but you will both know who’s in control. This salad will be a great first mate as you pillage and plunder your date’s booty.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ cup balsamic vinegar
2. 2 tbsp HONEY
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 dash salt
5. ½ tbsp olive oil
6. 2 large handfuls fresh spinach
7. 1 handful shredded mozzarella
8. 2 heirloom tomatoes
9. 4 fresh BASIL leaves
10. ¼ lemon
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Slice each heirloom tomato in half and set them in a baking pan. Drizzle the tomatoes with olive oil, sprinkle them with salt and pepper, place a basil leaf on each and crown them with mozzarella. Toss them in the oven and roast until the tomato softens and cheese melts (approx 35 min).
Step 2
Make the balsamic reduction dressing by turning stove onto medium heat and adding the honey and balsamic vinegar, stirring vigorously. Cook the liquid down to 1/3 of its original volume. Pour the dressing into a container and allow it to cool.
Step 3
Split the spinach between plates. Place two roasted heirloom tomatoes on each bed of spinach and pour over the balsamic reduction. Squeeze some lemon juice over if your craving some sour.
Serve up as a perfect lunch after a quickie (hint, bang while the heirloom tomatoes roast) or as a starter for an ENTRÉE.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, balsamic vinegar, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, booty, commandeer, delicious, dirty-talking, DIY, easy, eye patch, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, heirloom tomato, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, mozzarella, naked, olive oil, parrot, pillage, pirate, plunder, recipe, roast heirloom tomato salad recipe, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spinach, spontaneous, supercollider, superstring theory, swashbuckling, swiss alps, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 16, 2009
This wrap is both Sexy and environmentally friendly!
Calling all hippie hotties! They are few and far between. Most of these moonbeaming beauties’ looks have faded away like Jerry. Yoga and clean living have saved a few, not to mention the new recruits who haven’t become jaded by the man keeping them down. To those I merely say, “You hungry for some like totally dank organic yumminess?” Bring that free lovin’ attitude of yours and a bottle of something “heady”. I’ll crank some Dead bootlegs that I’ve been hording for just such trip down the hairy rabbit hole. Keep on keeping on down the road now. Take a wrap for the road you’ll be “Truckin’.”
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 handfuls lettuce chopped coarsely
2. 4 steamed BEETS chopped in rounds
3. 2 tbsp salad dressing (chef’s choice)
4. 2 burrito-sized tortillas
5. 2 veggie burgers
6. 1 small handful slivered almonds
7. 3 1 tomato chopped coarsely
8. 1 small handful or feta cheese.
Step 1
First grill or pan-fry the veggie burgers and cut them up with the spatula.
Step 2
Assemble the wrap in a long thin line across the tortilla laying out the lettuce, beets, tomato, almonds, feta cheese and veggie burger. Add any dressing or sauce.
Step 3
Wrap them up folding the tortilla a third of the way over, fold over the left and right ends, and roll it over the top. Cut the wraps in half.
Serve up the wraps solo or with some SOUP.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, hippie, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vegetarian | Tagged: almonds, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, beets, bootlegs, burrito, dairy, dank, delicious, DIY, easy, feta cheese, food, game changer, garden burger, get laid, gourmet, Grateful Dead, guarantee, healthy, hippie burger, hippie hotties bohemians, homemade, intercourse, Jerry Garcia, kitchen, lettuce, libido, moonbeaming, naked, organic, recipe, salad dressing, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, to go, tomato, tortilla, truckin’, vegetarian, veggie burger, veggie burger wrap recipe, veggie wrap, wrap that hippie burger up tight recipe, yoga, yumminess, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 15, 2009
Noodles = Nudity
That’s it. Take it all off. Every last article must be removed. You know the deal. No naked, no nosh! There you go. Don’t you feel so much better without all those pesky clothes? I know I feel liberated. See? I’m nude too. Watch me do this cartwheel. Whee! Now it’s your turn. I want to see your naughty bits fly in all directions. Again! Again! All this exercise made me hungry. Let’s break. The only proper way to dine on noodles is in the nude. Sure they are spicy, but I know how randy you get when your mouth is on fire. Let the papaya cool you down before things heat back up after the meal.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 8-ounces of dried rice noodle flakes
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of soy sauce
4. ½ tbsp of vegetable oil
5. 1 onion cut in strips
6. 1 handful of crushed pecans
7. ½ a lime
8. ½ of a papaya
9. 2 handfuls of cilantro
10. 1 egg
11. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a boil. Scoop the seeds out of the papaya, and then cut the fruit meat out. Discard the shell and chop up the papaya coarsely.
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, onion and ½ the cilantro with vegetable oil on medium-high heat (approx 3 min). Throw in the papaya and cook it with the soy sauce and Sriracha sauce (approx 2 min).
Step 3
Boil the rice noodle flakes (approx 4 min), drain, toss them into the magic pot of flavor, and then mix it all together.
Step 4
Crack an egg into the pan, and then mix the contents together. Crown the noodles with the crushed pecans and cilantro, and finally squeeze the limejuice over your creation.
Serve up the nude-les solo or with some BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, RECIPES, spicy, thai, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Asia, asian, bang, banging, boil, carbohydrates, carboluscious, carbs, cilantro, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, food, fruit, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hot, improvised, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, naked, naked cartwheels, naught bits, nude, nuts, onion, papaya, pecans, recipe, rice noodle flakes, sauté, scoop, seduce, sex, soy sauce, spicy aphrodisiac, spicy papaya noodles recipe, Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce, tasty, thai, thai noodles, thai papaya noodles recipe, Thailand, totally nude-les for papaya, vegetable oil, vegetarian, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 9, 2009
So steamy, so screamy, and oh so dreamy!
Here at COOK TO BANG we are constantly one upping our latest and greatest recipe so we forget the simple, yet awesome things. Steaming the APHRODISIAC-powered beets is a healthy and damn tasty choice for a side dish. Beets have few calories to speak of, a megaton of fiber and enough boron to keep Erectile Dysfunction at bay. Once the kitchen gets steamy, you are sure to look more dreamy to your date. Choose the ENTRÉE you will serve with the beets wisely because you don’t want it to be shown out by a tasty little root vegetable. Now get scheming and start steaming!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $2
Drinking Buddy: Depends on the entrée
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 bunch of yellow BEETS
Step 1
Cut the stalks off the beets, wash them thoroughly, and then cut off both ends.
Step 2
Steam the beets covered until you can easily pierce them with a fork (approx 15 min). Cut them in half and serve as a charming side dish compliment to your favorite ENTRÉE. Just remove the skin and eat. Add some balsamic vinegar or HONEY if you feel bold.
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, boron, circulatory system, delicious, DIY, easy, ED, erectile dysfunction, fiber, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, low calorie, naked, natural Viagra, recipe, root vegetable, seduce, sex, steamed beets, steamed yellow beets recipe, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 