GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN

May 25, 2015
“Man love fire.  Man love meat. Man love Cook to Bang.”

“Man love fire. Man love meat. Man love Cook to Bang.”

The summer is upon us.  The snow and ice has melted. So has the clothing of your tempting targets.  Quit your bellyaching about cold streaks and grill up some hot steaks.  No more hibernating!  Put away the parkas and pull out your favorite fur loincloth. Dust off the BBQ and start grilling.  Calling all caveman!

Tap into your primitive side. You don’t need to bother with three-course meals. The smell of fire charring meat should suffice.  Grrrrrr!  Make like you’re strangling a Velociraptor and make some dino-kebabs.  Effort should be minimal so long as you pull it off with panache. Cooking to Bang in the summertime has never been more basic.

So visit the butcher, your fish monger, your hippie veggie/weed dealer.  Grab the goods and get with the grillin’.  A little charcoal, some lighter fluid and you got fire.  Try some of this fuego-fueled fare on for size, you caveman you! Read the rest of this entry »


BUNNY RANCH WATER

April 15, 2015
I'm sure you'll chase these bunnies down the rabbit hole

I’m sure you’ll chase these bunnies down the rabbit hole

Celebrate like a proper American.  Freedom, baby, yeah!  Indulge in all your liberties, including those only legal in certain Nevada counties.  While I personally don’t pay to bang (I cook, remember?), I certainly exchange goods (my awesome food) for sexual favors. Make your own backyard into your bunny ranch.  If you are good enough, perhaps you can bang the local cougars for quick cash while they send their hubbies out for more hamburger buns.  This simple drink is perfect for drinking all day in the sun with those you wish to bang.  It’s especially enjoyable floating in a pool surrounded by hard bodies.  So relax from all your labors and drink up.  How else will we pull ourselves out of recession?

bunny ranch water prepTotal time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Eating Buddy: Any GRILLED GOODIES

Ingredients (per drink):
1. 2 shots silver tequila
2. Club soda
3. Ice
4. ½ lime
5. 1 small handful mint leaves
6. 2 STRAWBERRIES

Step 1

Fill each glass halfway up with ice.  Squeeze ½ a lime into each, dropping the rinds into cup.  Crush the strawberries in your hands and drop into the class.  Toss in a small handful of mint leaves.  Pour in the tequila.  Fill the rest of the glass with club soda and top each glass up with ice.

bunny ranch water mix

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LAST GASP OF SUMMER BBQ PINEAPPLE

August 29, 2014
If this can't breathe some heat into your fall...you best get used to a cold empty bed.

If this can’t breathe some heat into your fall…you best get used to a cold empty bed.

Hold on tight to the memories. The warmth of the air made it unnecessary for people to wear layer upon layer of clothing. Summer flings are winding down, or in some cased winding up…for the long winter that lies ahead. Bikinis and mankinis are being put away in boxes to collect dust, dry as a bone. Can you blame us for being a tad wistful over the season we left behind? Fall’s great with the accessories (I’m partial to sweaters), but just for now, with this pineapple in my hand, I’m keeping things warm and shimmery. The succulent pineapple meat charred over fire sends me right back to that moment on the beach, laying post-coital on a hammock with a local lovely feeding me freshly grilled pineapple. So yeah, bring your own special memory of summer back with a vengeance. Chances are the lucky someone you grill this pineapple for has their own wicked summer senses to reignite. Read the rest of this entry »


BANGING SAFARI CALAMARI TACOS

July 18, 2014
Come on a banging safari with me!

Come on a banging safari with me!

The Beach Boys sang about surfing safaris.  They’d travel the world surfing and singing their little hearts out.  Not a bad idea, except substitute banging for surfing, and singing for grilling.  Now we’re talking about a trip to remember.  We can squeeze in some waves and singing while in the final throes of banging.  But it’s all about beach time fun time all the time.  You don’t have time to waste in the water when you have hot tanning bodies waiting for you to invite them to chill out while you grill out.  Use the surfboard as a prop and hint that you just won a lifetime supply of sunscreen.  Offer to rub some of your grand prize onto their shoulders and lure them over to your beach shack.  Demonstrate your skills out of the water and grill them up some crazy easy, low-calorie tacos that won’t harm their swimsuit bod.  Now comes the easy part of the safari. Read the rest of this entry »


THEIR LOSS GRILLED SQUASH

June 26, 2013
Rejection is merely a learning opportunity so you can pull hotter ass later.

Rejection is merely a learning opportunity so you can pull hotter ass later.

The way I look at it, anyone foolish enough to turn me down for sex is only punishing themselves.  They will spend the rest of their lives wondering “what if?” while hearing field reports from their friends and family members how amazing I am in the kitchen and sack.  No hard feelings on my end.  Their loss is another girl’s gain. I (you) will bang plenty of strange over the course of my (your) cooking and banging career.  Instead of kicking a can down the street in humiliation, I laugh off rejection and learn from my mistakes.  Perhaps I was too pushy, not pushy enough, wasn’t wearing nice enough shoes, or perhaps my devastating good looks and devilish charm brought our their insecurities.  Whatever the case may be, I adjust my approach as needed for the next date who understands how idiotic turning me down would be. The same rules apply with these squash I picked up from the farmer market along with a girl shopping for fresh berries.  We combined our wares in more ways than one.  Neither of lost because we seized the goddamn day! Read the rest of this entry »


VIA BANGRIA

August 17, 2012

Via Bangria via mi cama

This recipe comes from Mandy in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. We had to include a boozy recipe with summer finally here. Mandy writes:

Sangria in summer is necessary for me as the free clinic is to a hooker. I can’t live without some cold fruity wine as the sun beats down. The best way to enjoy it is with as little clothing as possible. No clothing is best. There’s no better way to cool you down after stick summer sex. Plus you can pick out the fruit and eat them off your play pal. The best part of this recipe is that it’s a portable party for backyard BBQs, pool parties, or orgies. Read the rest of this entry »


SOCK-IT-TO-ME SALMON SINWICH

June 8, 2010

Sock my sockeye salmon!

Grilled salmon sandwiches WILL get the attention of just about anyone you care to engage in hanky panky. Give them the unexpected and they shall swoon. At least that is what I find every time I try something new or unusual. Even if you crash and burn, brownie points will be yours. But alas, I vouch for this recipe as “a friend of mine” in the mob tradition. This recipe is worthy of putting my life on the line. I have no quarrels with saying, “Yes, you may shoot me in the face if you don’t like it”. Sock-it-to-me! Read the rest of this entry »


LEFTOVER SCHMEFTOVER EGGY WEGGYS

October 13, 2009
SF leftover eggs served

If they ask "Should I stay or should I go?", just shrug.

Sometimes the f@$%-it-all attitude is the best approach to life.  Whether we’re talking dating, cooking or anything that involves sheer pleasure, take a backseat and let it be whatever it will be.  I know that may sound difficult when you want something badly.  Trust me, I’ve been there and learned late in life the importance of not sweating the details. Heed my advice and settle down, tiger.  The eager beaver gnaws on wood and not much else.  This breakfast is a perfect metaphor.  The previous night I grilled my best SPANK MY HALIBUT yet along with some BOAST THE MOST ASS-PARAGUS for a date in who enjoyed it enough to let me sleep over.  Come morning time after my second round of banging the cobwebs out of my eyes, I stumbled casually into the kitchen and made this dish in a matter of minutes.  We dined, we banged and I slipped out the door, all at a leisurely pace, yet made it to work…only 15 minutes late!

Total time: approximately 5 minutes

Projected cost: $3 (plus whatever it cost to make leftovers)

Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

SF leftover eggs prepIngredients (for 2):

1. 1 dash black pepper

2. 1 dash salt

3. 1 tbsp olive oil

4. 3 eggs

5. 4 tbsp SIMPLY SEXY SALSA

6. 2 slices cheddar cheese

7. Leftover GRILLED FISH

8. Leftover ASPARAGUS

Step 1

Beat the salt and peppered eggs.

SF leftover eggs beat

Step 2

Sauté the chopped leftover asparagus and fish with the olive oil (approx 2 min).  Pour in the eggs, but don’t scramble, just let the egg form around the leftovers like a pancake.  When the eggs cook through (approx 3 min), chop up the cheddar cheese and toss them on top, turn off the heat and cover, and allow it to melt.  Split eggs in half, serve up on plates and throw down some salsa.

SF leftover eggs saute scramble

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SALMON GRILLS AND PASTA THRILLS

June 8, 2009
This fish dish offers thrills, grills, and hopefully no spills.

This fish dish offers thrills, grills, and hopefully no spills.

Some naysayers will claim that salmon is a boring fish to eat.  So predictable, so typical, so uninspired. You have my permission to give them an atomic wedgie for believing they think outside of the box.  These people haven’t left the box since slap bracelets were in.  Salmon is only as boring as the chef cooking with it.  Think of it salmon as a blank canvas for a painter or a mold of clay for a sculptor.  You could just paint a still life or sculpt a symmetrical vase.  But you could also create something groundbreaking that will shake the art world to its self-righteous core.  Now translate that “fuck the norm” attitude to your culinary creations.  Throw some flare into that fish and your night’s post-curricular activities will be rated for Mature audiences only due to nudity, sexual content and adult language. Violence will be notably absent.

salmon pasta prepTotal time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $14
Drinking Buddy: White wine

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tsp of sea salt
2. 8-ounces of dry penne pasta
3. 3 tbsp of olive oil
4. 1 lb SALMON filet
5. 1 handful of sliced mushrooms
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful of fresh ROSEMARY
8. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. 1 lemon halved

Step 1
If you are grilling with charcoal, get the coals going.  Marinate the salmon in 2 tbsp of olive oil, pluck the rosemary from the sprig and squeeze ½ the lemon over it.
salmon pasta marinate
Step 2
Boil the penne al dente, seasoning the water with olive oil and sea salt (approx 10 min).  While you wait for the pasta to boil, move onto Step 3.  When the pasta is ready, drain and mix it in with sautéed veggies in Step 3.
salmon pasta boil mix
Step 3
Sauté the garlic and onion with the remaining olive oil on medium heat.  Mix in the mushrooms and sauté it all with sea salt ½ tsp of salt until they are soft (approx 6 min).
salmon pasta saute
Step 4
When the charcoal or gas grill is ready, throw the marinated fish on.  Pour the excess marinade over the fish and put on the lid.  Grill until the outside of the fish whitens and the inside is a pinkish white (approx 5 min).  salmon pasta bbq serve it

Serve pieces of salmon over plates of pasta and squeeze the remaining lemon.
salmon pasta served 2

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GROIN GRABBING GRILLED VEGGIES

November 17, 2008
Grab me, grill me, kill me...with grilled veggies

Grab me, grill me, kill me...with grilled veggies

Long before humans had microwave ovens and George Forman grills, we had fire: beautiful, enchanting, burning fire.  Vegetables grilled on an open flame make them fun again.  Why boil these bounties of the earth when you can bring the flavor out with fire and chutzpah?  And your date will no doubt be impressed by your mastery of the elements.  Short of a picky vegan, anybody can eat this fine dish and only a cold-hearted monster could say it sucks.  Your bland backyard barbecue has suddenly been legitimized, thus making you the savior, sort of like Jesus, but tastier.  Be sure to mention that to your conservative date who hasn’t removed their chastity belt yet.  Blaspheme and grilled veggies are sure to win them over.  If that doesn’t work, just use reverse psychology asking What Would Jesus Not Do?  Amen.

grilled-veggies-prepIngredients (for 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 2 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar
3. 1 red bell pepper sliced into long thin strips
4. 1 small eggplant cut into large bite size chunks
5. 1 large portabella mushrooms sliced into long thin strips
6. 1 onion sliced into long thin strips
7. 2 tablespoons of goat cheese

Step 1
Place all the chopped veggies into tin foil and pour olive oil over them.  Cover the oil-doused veggies with a top tinfoil layer and place in the grill on medium heat.  Cook in foil until the veggies soften, then put them directly on the fire until they char slightly.
grilled-veggies-oil-foil
Step 2
Remove the veggies from the grill.  Place them in a pan and drop the goat cheese on top.  Pour the balsamic vinegar over the veggies/goat cheese and mix up thoroughly.  Serve on a plate with your main course, a grilled halibut or turkey burger perhaps.  Just know in your heart that you are a culinary super star and the evening should progress nicely.
grilled-veggies-goat-cheese-balsamic

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