May 20, 2009
At least you won't have to worry about these crabs.
I hear it’s pretty hard to get rid of crabs. But not so when you have a dip this deceptively simple. This is a perfect fast snack that screams out that you are one classy bastard. Serve this up with the beverage of your choice and take the date from conversation to heavy petting by their third bite. You can pull it off in two bites if you hand feed them. So what are you waiting for slacker? Slack off all the way into their pantalones!
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: White wine or a CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients:
1. 1 box of round crackers
2. 2 tablespoons of cocktail sauce
3. 1 brick of cream cheese
4. 1 small can of CRAB MEAT
Step 1
Spread cream cheese around the edges of a deep bowl. Drain the crab meat and then rub it evenly into the cream cheese. Scoop the cocktail sauce and rub it evenly into the crab. Create a wheel of crackers and place the dip bowl in the middle. Drag the crackers along the edge of the bowl and scoop yourself up some good times.
1 Comment | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, classy, cocktail sauce, Crab dip recipe, crabmeat, crackers, cream cheese, cream cheese crab dip, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, heavy petting, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, pantalones, recipe, seafood, seduce, sex, shellfish, slacker, tasty, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
May 13, 2009
The meatballs keep a rolling rolling rolling!
Behold these sexy balls o’ mine! Why are you acting so shocked? My balls are so flavorful, so meaty, so ready to rumble. Clearly you aren’t ready to meet these round and rocking spheres of epic delight. I understand. I get it. You just try to appear that you are up for anything, but in truth you turn tail when presented with something bold that gets right to the meat of a situation. Not to worry for there are plenty of prospects who will be more than happy to embrace my raw essence. The barbarian inside shall be released in us ready and willing who shall indulge in an orgy of carnage and carnal delights. You’ll just have to sit outside my cave and listen to the pleasurable Neanderthal grunts of eating and banging. You’ll just have to read the erotic play-by-play cave paintings. I’d love to offer you our leftovers, but you know how grudges go. Can’t let it go until you admit you were wrong and willing to play by my rules.
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 pound of ground beef (or turkey)
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
6. 1 can of tomato sauce
7. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
8. 2 garlic cloves minced
9. 1 large celery stalk cut into tiny nibbles
10. 1 onion chopped finely
11. 2 tablespoons of olive oil (not pictured)
Step 1
Boil spaghetti al dente while you make the meat balls: mix in ½ the onions, ½ the celery celery, garlic, ground beef, salt, and pepper together in a bowl and create balls.
Step 2
Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a deep pan on medium heat. Throw in the meatballs and cook the bottom side until they brown (approx 3 min). Flip the meatballs and douse the remaining olive over the balls and brown the other side (approx 2 min). Sauté the remaining onions and celery and cook them down (approx 2 min). Bring the tomato sauce to a boil on and then lower the heat and simmer until the meatballs cook through (approx 15 min).
Step 3
Place a healthy serving of al dente spaghetti on each place, then set a few meat balls on plate and then smother it all with sauce. Serve with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD and top it off with Parmesan if you are feeling cheesy.
1 Comment | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: al dente, balls, bang, barbarian, carboluscious, carnage, carnal, carnivore, cave paintings, celery, circular, crushed red pepper, delicious, dinner, DIY, easy, entree, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, gourmet meatballs, ground beef, guarantee, homemade, hot, intercourse, italian, Italy, kitchen, libido, meaty, Mediterranean, naked, Neanderthal, olive oil, onion, paprika, pasta, pepper, recipe, rolls, rumble, salt, sauté, seduce, sex, spaghetti, Spaghetti and meatballs recipe, spheres, spicy meatballs, starch, tasty, tomato sauce, turkey, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 11, 2009
The stuffed pepper party train has left the station!
It’s time to throw down! The week ain’t over yet, but you’re leady to let the dogs out. Woof to the M-F’ing woof! I suggest you get funky in the kitchen rather than unleash potentially rabid beasts onto the populace. Sure it may not be as thrilling as sending cooped up canines out into your neighborhood to attack mailmen and Xanaxed housewives alike. You will however avoid a lawsuit and a stern warning from animal control. Why not invite someone sexy over for a little party for two instead? What better way to do that than with bell peppers, chicken and apples? I do declare you are both in for a treat! Once you guys stuff yourselves with these aphrodisiac-stuffed peppers, it’s time for someone to get stuffed. Don’t be surprised if those same dogs howl along with as you both scream pleasurable expletives into the night. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, SEDUCTION | Tagged: animal control, aphrodisiac, apple, bake, bang, banging, basil, calivirgin, canine, chicken apples stuffed bell peppers, chicken breast, delicious, DIY, dogs, easy, food, game changer, get laid, get stuffed, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, housewives, howl, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, lawsuit, libido, mailmen, naked, olive oil, pine nuts, recipe, red bell pepper, red wine vinegar, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, Stuffed bell pepper recipe, stuffed pepper party, tasty, who let the dogs out?, woof, xanax, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 30, 2009
Who get's freaky? Who do? You do! Now freaky fry your way to shangri la!
Ain’t nothing wrong with getting a little freaky in the kitchen. I get freaky every time I walk across the linoleum. Sometimes I’ll grind against my oven, do the old in-out with my cupboards, or just stick my hand all up in my freezer just because. Sure I could act my age and treat the kitchen with reverence usually saved for a church. But to me, my kitchen is my church and I am a goddamn pagan. Getting freaky with two chicken breasts is my way of giving thanks for all the bounty and booty that comes my way. So ladies, won’t you join me in this freaky heathen worship of the sweet and the savory? This chicken is baked, so it is far less fatty. That means we can get way more chatty, before I drive you batty with desire. So don’t be bratty or catty about getting freaky. It’s natural and oh so delicioso!
Total time: approximately 70 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a margarita
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of Cornflakes
2. 1 tablespoon of milk
3. 1 egg
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of pepper
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 1 green onion chopped finely
8. 1 handful of shredded Parmesan
9. 2 tablespoons of butter
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Dump the cornflakes into a bowl and punch them into submission. Mix in the Parmesan, green onions, pepper, and salt. In a separate bowl, mix together the egg and milk.
Step 2
Pat dry the chicken breasts. Dip them in the egg/milk mixture and then stick the meat in the cornflake breading mixture, making sure both sides are coated. Place in a baking pan. Melt the butter in a pan and pour it over the breaded chicken. Throw it all into the oven and bake until the chicken is crispy on the outside and cooked through on the inside (approx 1 hour).
Serve with GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.
Leave a Comment » | IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, southern | Tagged: baked, Baked cornflake fried chicken recipe, baked fried chicken, bang, batty, bird, bratty, butter, catty, chatty, church, cornflake fried chicken, cornflakes, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, fatty, food, game changer, get laid, getting freaky, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthier, heathen, homemade, intercourse, Kellogg’s, kitchen, linoleum, low fat, milk, naked, pagan, parmesan, pepper, poultry, protein, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 27, 2009
Become the Lord of the Onion Rings
It’s hard to say no to someone who is fun and young (and legal, obviously). The same goes for a delicious side order liked baked onion rings. These finger foods are lower in fat so it doesn’t feel like a brick floating in your rotting guts. That’s one less reason to not get laid. These will keep you satisfied, but limber enough to make your move. Your date won’t complain about these rings being too oily and ruining their favorite outfit when you put your ungreasy paws all over them. So grope away like Frodo, the Lord of the Onion Rings.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or soda
Ingredients:
1. 1 cup of cornflakes
2. 1 teaspoon of Cajun seasoning
3. 1 tablespoon of sugar
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. 1 egg
6. 1 onion cut into ½ rounds, then rings separated
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. First crush the cornflakes without pulverizing them. Combine together with Cajun seasoning, salt and sugar. In a separate bowl, beat an egg thoroughly. Dip the separated onion rings in the egg and then the cornflake breading.
Step 2
Lay each dipped onion ring on a greased baking sheet. Throw into the oven and cook until the breading is crispy and clings to the onions (approx 20-25 min). Use a spatula to pry each onion ring off. Serve them up on a plate with your favorite condom-ment or with a SINWICH.
2 Comments | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, southern, vegetarian | Tagged: baked, Baked onion rings recipe, bang, barely legal, Cajun seasoning, carboluscious, cornflake onion rings, cornflakes, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, food, Frodo, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lord of the rings, lotr, low fat, naked, onion, onion rings recipe, oven, recipe, rotting guts, rounds, run young onion rings, salt, seduce, sex, side order, sugar, tasty, ungreasy, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 21, 2009
Fondle by candle light
Some prudes blanch at the idea of being touched, let alone being fondled. That is their beast of repressive burden to carry. Personally, I enjoy being fondled with regularity. What can I say? I’m a giver. I am always ready to offer up something phallic to the ladies on my CTB wish list. While this dish doesn’t look quite so fresh and so clean as a SALAD, it does tastes like it came out of an Italian mother’s kitchen. Every bite makes me want to sing an operatic falsetto because the taste is just too much of a good thing. Take advantage of this dish’s power and make me proud, old sport.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. ½ teaspoon of salt
4. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
5. 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
6. 2 diced tomatoes
7. 1 green pepper cut into long strips
8. 1 onion cut into long strips
9. 5 sausage links (chicken or veggie sausage OK)
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely.
Step 1
Warm the olive oil up in a large pan or wok. Toss in the garlic and allow to cook (approx 2 minutes). In the mean time, slice the sausages in half and set them skin side down in the oil. Flip once so the other has of sausage cooks (approx 2 minutes per side).
Step 2
Next toss in the onions, peppers and tomato, then stir in some pepper, salt and crushed red pepper. Pour the wine in and cook everything on low until the wine evaporates (approx 20 minutes).
Step 3
Toast some bread if you like. Split the toast and scatter them neatly on the plate. Serve up some Sausage and Pepper and sing Ave Maria!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Mediterranean, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, black pepper, crushed red pepper flakes, delicious, DIY, easy, entree, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green peppers, guarantee, healthy, hearty, homemade, intercourse, Italy, kitchen, Mediterranean, naked, olve oil, onion, recipe, salt, Sausage & peppers recipe, sausage links, seduce, sex, tasty, tomatoes, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 17, 2009
Sex you can, yes you can!
Buenas noches, senoritas! There is plenty of room at mi casa y mi cama for a little bit of this and a whole lot of that. Considering how simple, fast and cheap these pizzas are to create, we can make them all night long. So feel free to invite some of your sexy amigas along. I’m selfless enough to share myself with all of you. It’s what Jesus would have done. And isn’t that what it’s all about? Screaming “Oh God!” or “Dios mio!” into the night demonstrates family values. So let’s do our part. Together we can make this world a more pleasurable place.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Beer or tequila
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 medium-sized flour tortillas
2. ½ can of black beans
3. 1 jalapeño de-seeded chopped
4. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
5. 2 handfuls of shredded jack cheese
6. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 2 sprinkles of Menudo mix
Step 1
Preheat an oven or toaster oven to 375 degrees F. Use a fork to spread out a ¼ can of black beans on each tortilla, using as little of the bean liquid as possible. Scatter the jalapeño and tomato evenly over the beans. Place the cheese evenly above and crown it with a sprinkle of menudo mix.
Step 2
Throw the Mexican pizzas in the oven and bake until the cheese melts and the tortillas brown and harden (approx 12 minutes). Remove from the oven and artfully place the avocado slices over the pizzas and chop into quarters and serve. Ole!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, italian, mexican, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, bang, black beans, Buenos noches, cheap, Christian, dairy, delicious, dios mio, DIY, easy, family values, fast, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, jalapeño tomato, jesus, kitchen, menudo mix, mexican, Mexican pizza recipe, mexico, naked, recipe, seduce, senoritas, sex, sex you can, tasty, tortilla crust, tortilla recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 16, 2009
Ramen on and on and on!
So you are ready to throw down for the hot number you got lined up. The only problem is your wallet’s emptier than a beauty queen’s head. Fear not for money will be the least of your worries tonight. Your mind will be occupied debating which gravity-defying position to try next. This dish will bring your dates back to their starving student days when they would put out after two red keg cups and an inquiry about their major. Those collegiate memories still rattle like a tower of beer cans knocked over in a hung-over stupor. Embrace this turbo-diesel version of ramen with flamboyant flavor you won’t find in one of those tumor-inducing MSG packets. You will have to settle for fresh vegetables and a gingerific aphrodisiac payload. And if I were you, I’d change out of that toga before you head to work the next day.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or Sake
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 teaspoon of chili sauce
2. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil
4. 2 packets of dry ramen
5. 1 egg
6. 1 bell pepper cut into strips
7. 1 onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ a lime of juice
9. 1 large handful of fresh chopped GINGER
10. 2 handfuls of mushrooms chopped coarsely
Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a roaring boil. Place the dried ramen (discard flavor pack) in a bowl and add the hot water. Cover the bowl for 3 minutes, break up the bunched noodles with a fork, and then drain them in a colander.
Step 2
Warm up the vegetable oil in a deep pan or wok on medium-high heat. Stir-fry the ginger and onions (approx 3 minutes); add the bell peppers (approx 2 minutes) and mushrooms (approx 2 minutes). Kick up the flavor with the soy sauce and chili sauce.
Step 3
Dump the ramen into the veggies and mix it all up. Squeeze in the limejuice. Crack an egg in the center of the noodles, allowing it to cook (approx 1 minutes) before stirring it into the ramen. Serve it up like a Samurai warrior of lust.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, Japanese, RECIPES, vegan | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, beauty queen, bell pepper, broke, cheap, chili sauce, college, delicious, DIY, drunk, easy, egg, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Japanese, keg, kitchen, lime, major, msg, mushrooms, naked, onion, ramen, Ramen stir-fry recipe, recipe, rock, rock your ramen all night long, seduce, sex, soy sauce, spicy ramen, stir-fry noodles, tasty, university, vegan, vegetable oil, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 8, 2009
Don’t chicken out when chicken out a perfect ass!
From here it looks pretty damn good. Firm and spankable for sure. What? I can’t help admiring your fine posterior. You’ve been blessed. That DOES NOT make me a pervert! I may be a pervert, but for doing things far worse than staring at your glorious behind for the last 20 minutes. Quite frankly, if you didn’t want people staring you would have worn some ugly khaki cargo pants instead of that hot number that screams out, “Hey, everyone! Check out my amazing ass!” So there. You must be hungry from being so goddamn hot. Why don’t you sit down and allow me to make a peace offering. Try this chicken salad that is superior to any found in the Milky Way Galaxy. Seriously, Zorvax who writes for Zagat across the Universe assured me of that. He said it’s even better than the succulent salad made from space chickens on the planet Nebulon’s furthest moon. Now sit your luscious ass right here…on my lap.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: White wine or an ice cold RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 3):
1. 1 teaspoon of black pepper
2. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
3. 1 teaspoon of red wine vinegar
4. 1 Fuji apple
5. 1 AVOCADO
6. 1 green endive
7. ½ lime of juice
8. ½ lb of white meat chicken
9. 1 handful of PINE NUTS
10. 8 Kalamata olives
Step 1
Chop out the core of the apple and then slice into long thin pieces. Cut the stalk off the endive and cut every ¼ inch down. Chop the olives up finely. Halve the avocado, and then cut thin long slices.
Step 2
Marinate the chicken in limejuice and black pepper (approx 10 minutes). Pan-fry the chicken until it cooks all the way through, flipping to cook both sides evenly (approx 5 minutes). Finally, cut the chicken into long thin strips.
Step 3
Throw the apples, endives, olives, pine nuts, avocado and chicken into a big salad bowl.
Step 4
Add the mayonnaise and red wine vinegar and toss it all together evenly. Then serve it up, unless you have already commenced groping your date.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple, avocado, bang, black pepper, bum, butt, check out that ass, chicken salad, delicious, derrière, DIY, easy, endive, fuji, game changer, get laid, gourmet, Gourmet Chicken salad recipe, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, khaki cargo pants, kitchen, limejuice, mayonnaise, milk way galaxy, naked, nice ass, pine nuts olives, posterior, recipe, red wine vinegar, seduce, sex, space chickens, spankable, tasty, universe, white meat, yummy, zagat, zorvax | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 1, 2009
Don’t forget to mushroom tip your waitress!
Can you feel the rhythm? It starts with your hips going back and forth like a metronome. Feel it flow out to every point in your body. You and your date are under the spell of the mushroom. There is nothing either of you can do but let go. Dance, fool, dance! Your bodies will pulsate and writhe together. The warm embrace of the soup will inspire you two to become as one…for a half hour or so. It is for your benefit that you carry on. This mystical culinary potion has no fat to speak of. The natural flavor will cause your brain’s synapse to snap, crackle, and pop in a pleasure-filled frenzy. My advice: Take advantage of this recipe while it remains 100% legal. No doubt there is some buzz killer on the mission to make this soup contraband because it’s too sexy for their conservative closed minds.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can of chicken broth
2. ½ cup of sherry
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 teaspoon of salt
5. 1 leek
6. ½ pound of fresh shitake mushrooms
7. ½ pound of white mushrooms
8. 2 small handfuls of raw walnuts
9. 3 garlic cloves minced
Step 1
Wash off the leek, trim the edges off, spit it down the middle and chop coarsely. Wash the mushrooms thoroughly and chop them coarsely.
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil in a stockpot on medium-high heat. Sauté the garlic and leeks until the shrink down and become translucent (approx 3 minutes). Add in the mushrooms, salt and sherry and cook the mushrooms down until they soften (approx 5 minutes).
Step 3
Dump in the chicken stock, bring it to a boil, and then simmer the goodies covered with a lid on low until the mushrooms absorb the liquid (approx 15 minutes). Gently puree the mushrooms, leaving some chunks intact. Serve it up with a small handful of walnuts over each bowl.
Leave a Comment » | healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, boom shalaklak boom, chicken broth, crackle, delicious, DIY, easy, flavorful, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hearty, homemade, HOT LIQUID LOVE, house of pain, intercourse, kitchen, leek, legal, low fat, metronome, mushroom soup, naked, olive oil, pop, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, sex, sherry, shitake, Shroom shalaklak boom soup recipe, shrooms, snap, soup, tasty, walnuts, warm, white mushrooms, wild mushroom soup recipe, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 