February 10, 2016
Lights, camera, hardcore action!
Winter vegetables are way kinkier than anyone credits them for. It’s sort of like the meek librarian who sluts it up in Vegas or the mild-mannered accountant that spends his lunch hour at a dominatrix dungeon. There’s always something sinful underneath the surface. Sometimes you just gotta dig a little. You dig? That is what I learned when I threw a little get together for my winter veggie friends. We all had a few drinks, noshed on some shrooms, and then played some Al Green. What happened next was straight out of a bad 70’s porno. The radish made cad remarks to the broccoli about her fine looking stalk and then broke out some aphrodisiacs they used as sex toys. Once things got saucy there was nothing I could do but grab the camera like a good porn director would. Fingers crossed that my little veggie porn wins at the 2010 AVN Awards for best Group Sex and/or Midget Felatio Film.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Cabernet
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 tbsp OYSTER sauce (substitute w/ soy sauce to make vegan)
3. 2 tbsp sesame oil
4. 1 white radish
5. 1 head broccoli
6. 2 tbsp GINGER finely chopped
7. 1 tbsp BASIL finely chopped
8. 1/2 package mushrooms sliced thinly
Step 1
First rinse the white radishes, chop up the stems, and slice radish rounds thinly. Wash the broccoli, chop the ends of the stock away so the trees break apart, and chop up the broccoli leaves if you have them.
Step 2
Heat up the sesame oil in the pan on medium heat. Saute the ginger (approx 1 min). Lay the radish evenly around the pan, adding the basil and salt, cooking until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the broccoli, broccoli leaves, radish stems, and mushrooms. Stir-fry away once you add the oyster sauce until the leaves wilt and broccoli softens (approx 4 min).
This stir-fry is a perfect solo act, but would do nicely with something CARBOLUSCIOUS.
4 Comments | 
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Posted by cooktobang
February 8, 2016
The Chinese have given us so much: taoism, kung fu and food fusion.
This SALAD is so goddamn precocious. It thinks it can get away with anything because it is so nutritious and low fat. I turned my back for a second and it had already invited all its buddies over to my place for a salad tossing party. Don’t mistake me for some prude. I do a website called Cook To Bang after all. But these salads got buck wild under my roof. They drank all my booze, wore all my favorite clothes and one them took a joyride in my car. If you see a CHARRED OCTOPUSSY SALAD driving a Volvo be sure to tell it to return my wheels. But in spite of all the annoyance, I have such a soft spot for Chinese Chicken Salad that I’ll let it go. Not sure I could say the same for the COBB & BALLS SALAD.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE or Arnold Palmer…w/ vodka
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 1 tsp sesame seeds
3. 1 tbsp HONEY
4. 1 can water chestnuts
5. 1 can/jar mandarin oranges
6. 1 tsp minced GINGER
7. 1 carrot shredded
8. 1/3 red cabbage cut in strips
9. 1/3 green cabbage cut on strips
10. 1 chicken breast
Step 1
Pan-steam the chicken in a thin layer of water, flipping once (approx 15 min). Cut the meat into cubes.
Step 2
Create the dressing by whisking together the soy sauce, honey, sesame seeds and ginger.
Step 3
Toss the green cabbage, red cabbage, carrot, drained water chestnuts drained mandarin oranges and chicken with the dressing.
Serve up on plates for a perfect lunchtime quickie.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Asian chicken salad recipe, bang, banging, carrot, Cheeky Chinese chicken salad recipe, chicken breast, china, Chinese, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green cabbage, greens, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, low fat, mandarin oranges, naked, nutritious, pan-steam, recipe, red cabbage, roughage, salad, salad party, salad tossing, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame, sex, soy sauce, tasty, toss my salad, Volvo, water chestnuts, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 5, 2016
Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!
I generally don’t recommend being bashful and covering up your naughty bits. But for some reason it has been deemed socially unacceptable to prance around naked in public. So when social decorum outweighs your exhibitionist tendencies, you need to figure out a classy way to cover up. Bring on the codpiece! Your most shocking parts will be hidden from view, yet you will leave everyone guessing what you could possibly be packing. And that’s just where you want to be. Apply this same hidden package of awesome theory to the meal you serve to your date. Nothing packs quite a flavor wallop like this black cod dish I made as an afterthought. The task at hand was preparing MISO HORNY COD that has been dropping panties since 2003. But I had leftover cod that required my swift attention lest these beautiful cuts of fish go the way of slap bracelets. So my date the following night was given a rarefied chance to try something new and totally untested. This dish is what follows and thank god for that! Lord knows she was thanking god in her own lascivious way. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, Japanese, RECIPES, seafood, thai | Tagged: 2003, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, black cod, cilantro, Coconut cod-piece recipe, coconut mango cod recipe, coconut milk, codpiece, cover up, delicious, DIY, easy, exhibitionist, fish, food, game changer, get laid, god, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, hidden package, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lascivious, libido, lime, macadamia nut, mango, naked, nude, olive oil, orange bell pepper, recipe, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 1, 2016
Patty cakes, salmon cakes, banger man! Bang me a salmon cake as fast as you can.
That Marie Antoinette was quite the strumpet of her day. This Versailles Vixen raised her bloomers for everyone in the court, men and women alike, except her pantywaist husband Louis XVI. What a scandal it must have been for the French queen to be a whore and the king likely gay. Every would-be suitor need only present an edible treat to Mademoiselle Antoinette and into her boudoir they would go. This was a precursor to COOK TO BANG. A little known historical fact: When Marie Antoinette said, ìLet them eat cake!î she meant salmon cakes. These are cheap and easy to create, but major crowd pleasers. If only Marie’s messenger hadn’t flubbed the message. Off with his head! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, RECIPES, seafood, southern, spicy | Tagged: bang, banging, bell pepper, bloomers, breadcrumbs, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, finger food, food, France, french, fry, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, king louis xvi, kitchen, let them eat cake, libido, marie Antoinette, naked, off with his head, patties, queen, recipe, red pepper flakes, salmon, salmon burger, salmon cakes recipe, salmon patty, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, strumpet, tasty, vegetable oil, Versailles, vixen, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 28, 2016
Who’s your papa? Some guy I hope to never meet.
I have never quite gotten the expression, “Who’s your daddy?” This phrase is usually uttered by some machismo douche-asaurus banging some bar skank with a tramp stamp tattoo and daddy issues. I supposed that is appropriate considering she is looking for a father figure and he is fulfilling a stereotype. But think about it for a moment. Who wants to fantasize about banging a family member? Last I checked incest is lower on the evolutionary scale than bestiality. Sure I fantasize about banging someone else’s family members, but that is above the board and legal. I’m more likely to grunt in the throes of wanton lust, “Who’s your daddy’s favorite employee?” Bob, if you’re reading this, this is purely hypothetical and I did not engage in illicit fornication in your boathouse while wearing your prized captain’s hat. I also have no idea where those stains on the wall came from. But I do know where that papaya salsa that you and your delightfully innocent daughter are enjoying. Handcrafted by the same hands that help run your empire. You’re welcome. Do you mind if I borrow Rochelle for sec? I need her help tossing this salad. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | condom-ment, costa rican, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, healthy, mexican, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, boat house, boss’ daughter, condiment, costa rica, costa rican, delicious, DIY, easy, employee, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, flavorful, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, latin, mexican, mexico, naked, Papaya salsa recipe, recipe, salsa, seduce, sex, skank, tasty, topping, tramp stamp, tropical, vitamin c, who’s your daddy, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 27, 2016
You’re a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!
Hear that high-pitched sound not unlike a champagne glass shattering against the wall? That’s a million hearts being broken by this ass-gettin’ APHRODISIAC appetizer. The hook is that it’s baked, not deep-fried, keeping those asses slimmer and more inclined to get down later. Don’t wallow in bloated oily malaise. Bake those hearts before you break more hearts. I figured this out when I brought a platter for a playoff party. The diehard fans were crushed by the loss, but they took solace with my healthy-ish finger food. One particularly devastated, but delicious female fan got an extra dose of comforting by the chef. Soon her sorrow over her team’s seasonal demise was overshadowed by the fact I didn’t call her again. I still feel bad, but my calendar is jam-packed for the next month with more hearts to break. Next! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, artichoke, artichoke heartbreakers recipe, baked, baked artichoke hearts, bang, banging, baseball, breadcrumbs, breaded artichoke hearts, champagne, comfort, cooking spray, delicious, DIY, dodgers, easy, egg, fans, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, flour, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mayonnaise, mlb, naked, not fried, parmesan, phillies, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sun dried tomato, sun-dried tomato aioli, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 26, 2016
- Thai me up, Thai me down, Thai one on!
That’s right! You know how to do what you do so do it. Ooh ooh, baby, do it one more time. I can’t get enough of your tasty taste. It’s so exotic, so flavorful, so foreign to my white bread existence. Suddenly all the TV Dinner memories are evaporating into adventures in Thailand. I’m on a beach getting my hair braided. I’m in the jungle communing with shaman living in a tree house. I’m in Bangkok breaking all 10 Commandments. It’s all because you spice up my life. Keep it up. Now that I’ve tasted the East, these noodles will keep the memories alive at the very least. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, poultry, RECIPES, spicy, thai | Tagged: 10 commandments, asian, bang, Bangkok, Bangkok dangerous, beach, braided, broccoli, carbohydrates, carbs, chicken, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, happy ending, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, kwong hung seng sauce, mushroom, naked, noodles, oh baby!, oyster sauce, Pad see ew recipe, pad see ooh baby, recipe, rice noodles, seduce, sex, shaman, siam, simple pad see ew, spicy, stir fry, sweet, tasty, thai, Thailand, tree house, tv dinner, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 25, 2016
Enjoy the tsunami of edamame!
I don’t mind admitting I am a mama’s boy. Sure some conservatives might call me morally bankrupt. But I scoff at them because I still have a good relationship with my mother. She’s the one who taught me how to cook after all. Sure I may have taken the foundations of her teachings and used it to get girls out of my league to sleep with me. But isn’t that what innovation is all about? Take something simple like the act of cooking and run wild in a field or devious dandelions. That’s what I have done with edamame. Sure they taste great on their own, like nature’s candy. But I wanted to sex it up a bit. What better way to do that than smother them in aphrodisiacal flavor and roast them to perfection? Take it from this edamame’s boy; you will be happy you took my cue. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, Japanese, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, delicious, DIY, easy, edamame, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, Japanese, kitchen, libido, mama’s boy, naked, nature’s candy, recipe, roast, roast edamame recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame chili oil, sex, soy beans, soy sauce, spicy, tasty, toss, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 20, 2016
X marks the G-spot
Arrr! Ahoy, maties! I spot a hard body off the starboard bow! Land ho (or was that hos?)! We shall not rest until we collect all the doubloons in their pantaloons. Plunder everything you can before we make off into the night. We shall woo them with our finest spices traded from the far East. The healthier, shinier, and tastier the treasure, the better! If you don’t like your captain’s skullduggery, walk the plank!
Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
January 19, 2016
Come along and munch on our fig-tastic...
The journey to the center of this aphrodisiac is about to begin. First we’ll shrink ourselves down using technology we reversed-engineered from the potion our corporate spy Alice swiped from Wonderland. Now that we are tiny as microbes, the real adventure begins. Our goal? To figure out what makes figs so goddamn sexy. Our field-tests have proven that the probability of premarital sex after consuming fresh figs rises exponentially. One might just say it becomes a foregone conclusion. Regardless, we need to understand the science so that we can duplicate it, shrink it into pill form and mass-market to college kids. Only then can the next fantastic voyage begin. All aboard! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bang, banging, Boursin cheese, delicious, DIY, easy, fantastic voyage, fig brie crackers recipe, fig jam, fig-tastic voyage, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, multi-grain crackers, naked, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 