December 21, 2009
Run like a cheetah to tap that booty
There are some people out there too fine for their own good. You know the type I’m talking about. It’s as if they are cursed to roam the earth surrounded by an unsightly subspecies, the rest of us. That’s how I feel every time I’m around someone so stunning, I wonder if perhaps my sins were not too great to exclude me from a heaven membership. Fat chance of that. The beta person would not dare try to engage the near-mythical sexual creature for fear of abject humiliation. But I always take the “fake it ‘til you make it” approach, which sometimes pays back in decadent dividends. When you do step up to the plate, be ready to knock it out of the park by having a plan. I’m cocky about my cooking skills. So with swagger and spitfire I invite the sexier-than-thou and let them know not coming to my place for some grub will be their loss. No cheetah will deny the rarefied opportunity to sample your fajita sandwich.
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy:BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise to taste
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 4 dashes fajita seasoning
4. 2 sandwich rolls
5. 2 GREENSBURY MARKET organic chicken breasts
6. 1 onion sliced in long strips
7. 1 red bell pepper sliced in long strips
8. 1 lime wedge
9. 1 small handful cilantro chopped coarsely
10. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
11. 1 tomato sliced thinly.
Step 1
Slice the chicken breasts into long thin strips and marinate in limejuice and 1/2 the fajita
seasoning (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the onion, bell pepper and cilantro in olive oil until they soften (approx 4 min). Create room in the pan and sauté the chicken next to but separate from the veggies (approx 3 min).
Step 3
Assemble the sandwich. First split the rolls down the top, and then spread mayo as needed. Stuff each roll with veggies, chicken, tomato and avocado.
Serve this gringo twist on a Mexican classic with a some GARLICKABLE FRIES.
4 Comments | 
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Posted by cooktobang
November 6, 2009
Yes, mistress. Please, mistress. Thank you, mistress.
Kinky is my middle name. Actually it’s Patrick, but I’m considering changing it. I wouldn’t call myself an S&M guy, but I do enjoy pushing the envelope behind closed doors with consenting adults. What’s the point of boring sex? Why half-ass your goal after you put all this effort into convincing someone to get naked? I don’t personally own handcuffs, but I’ve been cuffed to a bed with leopard print bonds. My mistress/lover for the night was rough at times, and then sweet, then rough and so on. It was pretty hot. Melting candle wax on my nipples was just painful, but it was still an experience I remember fondly. The best part is after we were done, we had takeout Pad Thai that she fed me since my hands were still attached to her headboard. That was one of my favorite Thai food memories, which I have since relived in subtle, less painful ways. So here’s my own take on this classic recipe with a little extra sexy thrown into the mix. Just be sure to have a safety word when engaging in Thai-style COOK TO BANG.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Thai iced tea or beer
Ingredients (serves 2, with post-coital leftovers):
1. 2 tbsp vegetable oil
2. 1-package rice noodles
3. 1 tbsp fish sauce
4. 1 tbsp soy sauce
5. 2 OZ Pad Thai sauce
6. Limejuice to taste
7. 2 eggs
8. 6 green onions chopped coarsely
9. FRIED TOFU
10. 1 red CHILI chopped finely
11. 2 handful chopped peanuts
12. ½ lb SHRIMP
13. ½ lb chicken cut in bite-sized pieces
Step 1
Marinate the raw chicken with the soy sauce, fish sauce and limejuice (approx 15 min). Cook the chicken in a pan until they brown (approx 3 min). Add the shrimp and cook it all together (approx 2).
Step 2
Bring a pot of water to a boil, turn the heat low and cook the rice noodles al dente (approx 4 min) and drain. Heat up the oil in deep pan or wok. Add the noodles and mix in the pad Thai sauce thoroughly. Cook in the chicken, shrimp, fried tofu and green onions.
Step 3
Beat the two eggs and cook flat in a pan like a pancake. Jimmy the eggs off the pan an crown the noodles with it. When serving, throw a handful of peanuts and squeeze some lime over it.
These kinky noodles go great with a BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, poultry, RECIPES, seafood, spicy, thai | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, candle wax, carbohydrates, carbs, chicken, chili, delicious, DIY, dominatrix, easy, eggs, fish sauce, food, fried tofu, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, libido, limejuice, mistress, naked, nipples, noodles, pad thai me up recipe, pad thai recipe, pad thai sauce, peanuts, recipe, rice noodes, s&m, sado-masochism, safety word, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, soy sauce, takeout, tasty, thai, Thailand, tie me up, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 28, 2009
The man in the black pajamas makes a mean sandwich. Don't flavor with napalm!
“You want boom boom?” asked two Vietnamese hookers on a moped. I was in Hanoi, trekking around in search of mayhem and kick ass pho (Vietnamese noodle soup). I don’t pay for sex. No offense to those who hire whore now and again. My charm and cooking skills are enough to get girls naked. But these two young trollops were hot and the mathematical possibilities enticing it. So I asked them, “Will you love me long time?” They nodded and beckoned me to get on the back of their motorbike. So I countered, “Are you so horny?” Damn straight they were. The cherry on top was when I asked them to call me “Soldier boy.” One said, “We give you boom boom, soldier boy.” The other added, “Me so horny. We love you long time.” I had a Full Metal Jacket growth in my pants, but contracting GI Joe Kung Fu grip wasn’t recommended in my Lonely Planet guide. So I declined their offer for boom boom. Instead I got this chicken sandwich from a street vendor that was amazing, although not quite as interesting as the international incident I passed up. To all the girls I have banged since…You’re Welcome!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 sandwich rolls
2. 1 tsp lemon juice
3. 1 tsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 tsp fish sauce
6. ½ onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 carrot sliced thinly
8. 1 tomato sliced thinly
9. 2 chicken breasts
10. 1 handful shredded coconut
11. 1 handful cilantro chopped finely
12. 1 CHILI diced finely
13. 1 tbsp vegetable oil (not pictured, St. Peter has already taken note)
Step 1
Mince the chicken and then marinate with cilantro, chili, onion, coconut, soy sauce, fish sauce, oyster sauce and lemon juice (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Cook the chicken thoroughly with vegetable oil (approx 5 min). Slice open the bread rolls and stuff the chicken into them. Add the tomato and carrot slices and shut the sandwich, soldier boy.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, asian, french, fusion, poultry, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vietnamese | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Asia, bang, banging, carrot, chicken, chili, cilantro, coconut, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, gi joe, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hooker, intercourse, kitchen, kung fu grip, lemon juice, libido, lonely planet, love you long time, me so horny, moped, motorbike, naked, nam, onion, oyster sauce, prostitute, recipe, sandwich roll, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, Soldier boy sinwich, southeast asia, soy sauce, tasty, tomato, vegetable oil, viet cong, Vietnam, Vietnamese chicken sandwich recipe, whore, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 16, 2009
Tickle tickle, don't be fickle fickle.
Ooh, baby! You know how I like it! A gentle tickle while I my groove gets on and on and on. It’s the little things in life that give us the most pleasure. I don’t need no plasma screen, limousine, nor sports team. All I need is your soft touch on my most special of areas. Not too gentle, not too rough. That’s it. That’s exactly how we approach this simple chicken ENTRÉE. A few extra steps result make the classic baked chicken into a magnum opus of flavorful pleasure. Sure we could get our panties in a bunch making something uber-gourmet multi-step dish. But sometimes simple and succulent is sexy. So what are you waiting for? These walnuts aren’t going to tickle themselves!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: White wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 small handful of fresh BASIL
2. 1 handful of crushed walnuts
3. 1 tsp of paprika
4. 2 chicken breasts
5. ½ a lemon
6. 1 egg
Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Marinate the chicken breasts in lemon juice and paprika (approx 15 min). Whisk an egg in one bowl and combine chopped up basil and walnuts in another bowl.
Step 2
Dip each marinated chicken breast in the whisked egg and then dip both sides into the walnut mixture. Place the chicken in a greased baking pan. Cover the chicken tops with the remaining walnuts. Pour the remaining egg over it and bake until the chicken cooks through and the walnuts form a crust (approx 30 min).
Serve up on a bed of spinach or your favorite CARBOLUSCIOUS side dish.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, atkins, bake, baked chicken with walnuts, bang, banging, basil, chicken breasts, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, entree, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, limousine, magnum opus, naked, nuts, paprika, plasma screen, recipe, seduce, sex, simple, sports team, tasty, tickle my nuts, tickle my walnuts recipe, walnut chicken recipe, Walnut crusted chicken recipe, walnuts, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 11, 2009
The stuffed pepper party train has left the station!
It’s time to throw down! The week ain’t over yet, but you’re leady to let the dogs out. Woof to the M-F’ing woof! I suggest you get funky in the kitchen rather than unleash potentially rabid beasts onto the populace. Sure it may not be as thrilling as sending cooped up canines out into your neighborhood to attack mailmen and Xanaxed housewives alike. You will however avoid a lawsuit and a stern warning from animal control. Why not invite someone sexy over for a little party for two instead? What better way to do that than with bell peppers, chicken and apples? I do declare you are both in for a treat! Once you guys stuff yourselves with these aphrodisiac-stuffed peppers, it’s time for someone to get stuffed. Don’t be surprised if those same dogs howl along with as you both scream pleasurable expletives into the night. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, SEDUCTION | Tagged: animal control, aphrodisiac, apple, bake, bang, banging, basil, calivirgin, canine, chicken apples stuffed bell peppers, chicken breast, delicious, DIY, dogs, easy, food, game changer, get laid, get stuffed, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, housewives, howl, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, lawsuit, libido, mailmen, naked, olive oil, pine nuts, recipe, red bell pepper, red wine vinegar, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, Stuffed bell pepper recipe, stuffed pepper party, tasty, who let the dogs out?, woof, xanax, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 30, 2009
Who get's freaky? Who do? You do! Now freaky fry your way to shangri la!
Ain’t nothing wrong with getting a little freaky in the kitchen. I get freaky every time I walk across the linoleum. Sometimes I’ll grind against my oven, do the old in-out with my cupboards, or just stick my hand all up in my freezer just because. Sure I could act my age and treat the kitchen with reverence usually saved for a church. But to me, my kitchen is my church and I am a goddamn pagan. Getting freaky with two chicken breasts is my way of giving thanks for all the bounty and booty that comes my way. So ladies, won’t you join me in this freaky heathen worship of the sweet and the savory? This chicken is baked, so it is far less fatty. That means we can get way more chatty, before I drive you batty with desire. So don’t be bratty or catty about getting freaky. It’s natural and oh so delicioso!
Total time: approximately 70 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a margarita
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of Cornflakes
2. 1 tablespoon of milk
3. 1 egg
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of pepper
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 1 green onion chopped finely
8. 1 handful of shredded Parmesan
9. 2 tablespoons of butter
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Dump the cornflakes into a bowl and punch them into submission. Mix in the Parmesan, green onions, pepper, and salt. In a separate bowl, mix together the egg and milk.
Step 2
Pat dry the chicken breasts. Dip them in the egg/milk mixture and then stick the meat in the cornflake breading mixture, making sure both sides are coated. Place in a baking pan. Melt the butter in a pan and pour it over the breaded chicken. Throw it all into the oven and bake until the chicken is crispy on the outside and cooked through on the inside (approx 1 hour).
Serve with GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.
Leave a Comment » | IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, southern | Tagged: baked, Baked cornflake fried chicken recipe, baked fried chicken, bang, batty, bird, bratty, butter, catty, chatty, church, cornflake fried chicken, cornflakes, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, fatty, food, game changer, get laid, getting freaky, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthier, heathen, homemade, intercourse, Kellogg’s, kitchen, linoleum, low fat, milk, naked, pagan, parmesan, pepper, poultry, protein, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 13, 2009
Let me see you cha cha chicken!
Can you cha cha? It’s only the simplest dance in the known universe. I saw syphilitic lab monkeys doing it by accident and that was after an experiment with excess wine consumption. If a drunken monkey can do it, you should be able to pull it off blindfolded. This dish is on same page as the cha cha. It’s almost impossible to screw the pooch on this one. You could try pouring turpentine into the mix (CTB discourages this wholeheartedly), but then it would have a cool, briny taste. Just follow the protocol below and spend your extra time kicking game. That will leave you with plenty of time to kick game while you dance the half-naked cha cha. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Mediterranean, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: alfredo sauce, aphrodisiac, artichoke, ballroom, bang, blindfold, cha cha, cheese, creamy, Creamy artichoke chicken recipe, dance, delicious, DIY, drunken monkeys, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, italian, kick game, kitchen, lab monkey, libido, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, pan-steam, parmesan, pre-seasoned chicken breast, recipe, screw the pooch, seduce, sex, strictly ballroom, tasty, turpentine, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (serves 2):
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 