February 26, 2016
Epic fail? Hardly!
There are few sure things in this world. You can count on the sun rising, taxman finding you and herpes to come back with a vengeance. But most promises of satisfaction guaranteed have so many disclaimers that it’s impossible to get your money back. Even banging isn’t always guaranteed to wow when you sleep with a prude without the interest or skills to get your rocks off. My advice is to move on quickly from these cold fish in search of the flippier floppier variety. One rare exception to the litany of disappointments is this healthy, tasty, morning-wood inducing dish. You got your greens, protein and carbs working together to make you the sex machine of the hour. If you do fail to inspire sexy time with this, you might just be a libido-less zombie. You might want to get that checked out.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes of black pepper
2. 2 dashes of salt
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 slices of bread
5. ¼ AVOCADO sliced thinly
6. 4 handfuls of fresh kale
Step 1
Remove the stems from the kale and chop coarsely. Throw in boiling water, cook until the kale turns bright green and softens (approx 5 min).
Step 2
Toast the bread and poach the eggs while the kale boils.
Step 3
Place boiled kale evenly between the two slices of bread. Throw the poached egg on top and crown them with slices of avocado. Add a dash of salt and pepper and voila!
Serve up this healthy breakfast to your date in bed, before you get back to the business of banging.
1 Comment | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, black pepper, boil, boiled kale breakfast recipe, bread, breakfast, carbs, dawn, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, fiber, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green, guarantee, guaranteed, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kale, kitchen, libido, morning, morning sex, MORNING WOOD, naked, never fail boiled kale breakfast recipe, poach, protein, prude, recipe, roughage, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sure thing, tasty, toast, yummy, zombie | 
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Posted by cooktobang
February 24, 2016
Serve this dish up like the sexy Chippendale you are!
Nothing screams out sex appeal for the ladies like a buff dude in a bowtie with a fake collar and cuffs. That’s the Chippendale way. Keeping it classy but lust inspiring at the same time. Make the married ladies scream. Give them something to fantasize about while their husbands bang them with brief, disinterested strokes. Win win. That’s what this stupidly simple dish is about. Tap into the unbridled lust that only bowtie-wearing dancers can inspire. I hope you have your dance revue choreographed. Remember…step forward, step back, spin around, clap and THRUST! Just don’t spill the kick ass contents on the plate while making those moves.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 6 ounces of dried bowtie pasta
2. 1 8-ounce can of tomato sauce
3. 1 can of TUNA
4. ½ cup of milk
5. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
6. ½ an onion diced finely
7. 2 garlic cloves diced finely
Step 1
Boil the pasta al dente (follow instructions, approx 12 min) and drain. While the pasta boils move onto Step 2. When pasta is done, toss it into the sauce and mix.
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil on medium heat. Sauté the garlic and onions (approx 3 min), adding salt if you so desire. Drain the tuna cans and toss in the pan and cook (approx 2 min) into it. Pour in the tomato sauce cook until it all goes red (approx 2 min). Finally pour in the milk and reduce by simmering on low heat as the sauce pinkens.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, italian, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, bowtie pasta, carbohydrates, carbs, Chippendale, Chippendale tuna past recipe, dancers, delicious, DIY, easy, fish, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lust, male dancers, married ladies, milk, naked, olive oil, onion, pink sauce, recipe, seafood, seduce, sex, tasty, thrust, tomato sauce, tuna fish pink sauce with pasta, tuna pasta sauce, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 17, 2016
Peep this pack of perfect peppers, player!
Some of my best friends are peeping toms. Society tells these voyeurs to be ashamed. But I ask you, how different is it to watch someone in person then watching asinine strangers in a reality show? Once you get used to hand prints left from peering into your window and your flowerbed continually being crushed, it’s really not so bad. Voyeurs are essentially pleasure-delayers. I personally subscribe to the hedonist school and want it all a week ago. But I respect their patience. This soup is like that. Roasting takes a dedication. Are you up for the task of slow-cooking a perfect soup so that you won’t have to “take it slow” later? I hope so because sometimes, every once in a while, I mean a long while, it is totally worth it to hold it back. Like an orgasm you manage to stretch out an extra 5 seconds by grunting. “Oh yeah! That’s it. Here we go. Unnnnggggghhhh!”
Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Ice tea, lemonade or an ice-cold beer to cool you down, Perv Master Flex
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 red bell peppers
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 teaspoon of salt
4. 2 cups of vegetable stock
5. 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
6. 2 teaspoons of bay leaves
7. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 2 tomatoes
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 400 degrees F. Wash the red peppers and tomatoes, dry them off, and place them all into a large glass or metal oven-safe bowl. Roast them until the skin blacks and separates from the veggie meat (approx 45 minutes). Remove the tomato and peppers from the bowl and place them in a plastic bag that you will seal and leave in the fridge to cool (approx 20 minutes). Take the bag out of the fridge and dump the contents, leaked juice included, back into the roasting bowl. Slowly remove the skin from the peppers and tomatoes. Finally pull out the stalks and chop it all up coarsely and set aside.
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil in a stockpot on medium heat. Toss in the garlic and cook until it whitens (approx 30 seconds), then follow up with the onions that you will cook until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Flavor it all up with the salt, cayenne pepper and bay leaves before mixing in the roasted peppers and tomatoes.
Step 3
Dump in the vegetable stock and bring to a roaring boil on high heat, then turn the heat down low and simmer with a lid on until the veggies soften (approx 20 minutes). Puree the soup up using a Cuisinart, blender or hand blender (as pictured) and serve with a feeling of accomplishment. You’re terrific.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, bay leaves, cayenne pepper, cold weather, comfort food, delicious, easy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hand blender, hot, HOT LIQUID LOVE, intercourse, kitchen, lunch, naked, olive oil, onion, orgasm, peeping tom, pleasure delayer, puree, recipe, red bell pepper, Roasted red pepper and tomato soup recipe, roasting, romance, salt, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, spicy, tasty, tomato, vegetable stock, vegetarian, voyeur, warming, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 15, 2016
Some food has the power to transform a good day into a great day. We’ve all experienced a meal so freaking amazing that we talk about it years, sometimes decades later. Don’t get me started on this penne eggplant bowl I enjoyed on Italy’s Amalfi Coast. Let’s just say I had to smoke cigarette after…and I don’t even smoke! But there are certain dishes that are not only memorable, but cause clothes to melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West. Whore. The Portobello Bordello is one of those dishes. It is not only loaded with APHRODISIACS, but an edible orgasm of flavor, texture and attitude. Be warned: those with heart problems may not be able to handle this mushroom dish’s pure unadulterated awesomeness. The rest of you should not fear stuffing the mushroom. Odds are there will be some serious stuffing to follow.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $16
Drinking Buddy: White wine or champagne
Ingredients:
1. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
2. ½ tablespoon of honey
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of paprika
6. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ red bell pepper chopped coarsely
9. 6 ounces of lump crab meat
10. ½ a jalapeño chopped finely
11. 1 small handful of shredded Parmesan
12. ½ a lemon worth of juice
13. 2 large Portobello mushroom caps
14. 4 avocado slices (not pictured)
Step 1
Create the stuffing by mixing up the green onions, red bell pepper, lemon juice, jalapeño, crab meat, parmesan, bread crumbs, mayonnaise, honey, salt and paprika in a large mixing bowl.
Step 2
Wash the Portobello mushrooms then scrape away the black gills with a spoon and cut out the stem. This will allow more room for stuffing. Pour olive oil over the mushroom tops, then flip them over and place them in a small baking pan. Pour in half the stuffing into each cap and spread out evenly.
Step 3
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Throw in the baking pan full of stuffed mushrooms into the oven and bake until the stuffing browns (approx 35-40 minutes). Serve it up on top of a large leaf of lettuce. Garnish each cap with 2 avocado slices and serve it up knowing full well IT’S ON!
5 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, baked crab, bang, bread crumbs, crab, Crab stuffed Portobello mushroom recipe, delicious, dinner, easy, entree, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, honey, intercourse, jalapeño, kitchen, lemon, main course, mayonnaise, naked, olive oil, paprika, parmesan cheese, Portobello mushroom, recipe, red bell pepper, romance, romantic, salt, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, stuffed Portobello mushrooms, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 12, 2016
This dish love you long time!
The Cook To Bang classic recipe is back in time for Valentines Day. Few recipes are this effective at harnessing the power of gastrosexuality. The Japanese approach everything with perfection in mind from manga to ninjas to oral. Miso cod is no exception. It’s a little sweet, a little savory, and 100% banging. The tender fish breaks off into scrumptious flakes and is complimented by the steamed bok choy. The flavors battle on your tongue in a perfectly choreographed samurai duel. Your date will love you long time.
Total time: approximately 3 hours (mostly marinating fish)
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Sake, beer or a dry white wine
Ingredients (for two):
1. ¼ cup of sake*
2. 1/3 cup of mirin*
3. ½ cup of sugar
4. ¾ cup of white miso paste*
5. ½ a lemon worth of juice
6. 2 tablespoons of soy sauce
7. 2 black cod filets*
8. 4 baby bok choys*
*all of these items are available at any Japanese/Asian market
Step 1
On medium heat, boil the sake and mirin for 20-30 seconds until the alcohol cooks out. Add the miso paste and cook until the chunks dissolve into the liquid. Finally, mix the sugar in and cook until it dissolves. Set the pan aside and allow the miso sauce to cool.
Step 2
If necessary, de-bone the fish fillets. Pat the fillets dry with a paper towel. Slather up the fish with the miso sauce so they are fully coated with miso goodness. Leave the fish in a bowl and cover with saran wrap. Allow the fish to marinate in the miso sauce at least 2½ hours (the longer it marinates, the tastier it will be).
Step 3
When the fish is ready, preheat your oven to broil. Wipe off the excess marinade and place the fillets in a baking ban. Broil the fish until it the surface starts to brown. Remove the pan, and then preheat your oven to 400 degrees F. Throw the fish back in and cook 10-15 minutes longer.
Step 4
While the fish is baking, steam the baby bok choy until the leaves wilt and turn bright green. Mix the soy sauce and lemon in a separate bowl and it toss the steamed bok choy. Serve the fish and bok choy artfully on the plate. Your date should be remarkably wowed.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Japanese, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: bang, black cod, bok choy, delicious, easy, fancy, fish, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, intercourse, Japanese, kitchen, miso, miso cod, Miso cod recipe, naked, recipe, romance, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 10, 2016
Lights, camera, hardcore action!
Winter vegetables are way kinkier than anyone credits them for. It’s sort of like the meek librarian who sluts it up in Vegas or the mild-mannered accountant that spends his lunch hour at a dominatrix dungeon. There’s always something sinful underneath the surface. Sometimes you just gotta dig a little. You dig? That is what I learned when I threw a little get together for my winter veggie friends. We all had a few drinks, noshed on some shrooms, and then played some Al Green. What happened next was straight out of a bad 70’s porno. The radish made cad remarks to the broccoli about her fine looking stalk and then broke out some aphrodisiacs they used as sex toys. Once things got saucy there was nothing I could do but grab the camera like a good porn director would. Fingers crossed that my little veggie porn wins at the 2010 AVN Awards for best Group Sex and/or Midget Felatio Film.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Cabernet
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 tbsp OYSTER sauce (substitute w/ soy sauce to make vegan)
3. 2 tbsp sesame oil
4. 1 white radish
5. 1 head broccoli
6. 2 tbsp GINGER finely chopped
7. 1 tbsp BASIL finely chopped
8. 1/2 package mushrooms sliced thinly
Step 1
First rinse the white radishes, chop up the stems, and slice radish rounds thinly. Wash the broccoli, chop the ends of the stock away so the trees break apart, and chop up the broccoli leaves if you have them.
Step 2
Heat up the sesame oil in the pan on medium heat. Saute the ginger (approx 1 min). Lay the radish evenly around the pan, adding the basil and salt, cooking until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the broccoli, broccoli leaves, radish stems, and mushrooms. Stir-fry away once you add the oyster sauce until the leaves wilt and broccoli softens (approx 4 min).
This stir-fry is a perfect solo act, but would do nicely with something CARBOLUSCIOUS.
4 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: 1970’s porn, 2010, 70’s porno, adult video news, al green, aphrodisiac, asian, avn awards, bang, banging, basil, broccoli, cad, china, Chinese, delicious, DIY, dominatrix, dungeon, easy, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, group sex, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, las vegas, libido, midget felatio, mushrooms, naked, oyster sauce, porn director, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, sex toys, shrooms, stir fry, tasty, vegas, white radish, winter vegetables, winter veggie stir-fry orgy, winter veggie stir-fry recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 8, 2016
The Chinese have given us so much: taoism, kung fu and food fusion.
This SALAD is so goddamn precocious. It thinks it can get away with anything because it is so nutritious and low fat. I turned my back for a second and it had already invited all its buddies over to my place for a salad tossing party. Don’t mistake me for some prude. I do a website called Cook To Bang after all. But these salads got buck wild under my roof. They drank all my booze, wore all my favorite clothes and one them took a joyride in my car. If you see a CHARRED OCTOPUSSY SALAD driving a Volvo be sure to tell it to return my wheels. But in spite of all the annoyance, I have such a soft spot for Chinese Chicken Salad that I’ll let it go. Not sure I could say the same for the COBB & BALLS SALAD.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE or Arnold Palmer…w/ vodka
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 1 tsp sesame seeds
3. 1 tbsp HONEY
4. 1 can water chestnuts
5. 1 can/jar mandarin oranges
6. 1 tsp minced GINGER
7. 1 carrot shredded
8. 1/3 red cabbage cut in strips
9. 1/3 green cabbage cut on strips
10. 1 chicken breast
Step 1
Pan-steam the chicken in a thin layer of water, flipping once (approx 15 min). Cut the meat into cubes.
Step 2
Create the dressing by whisking together the soy sauce, honey, sesame seeds and ginger.
Step 3
Toss the green cabbage, red cabbage, carrot, drained water chestnuts drained mandarin oranges and chicken with the dressing.
Serve up on plates for a perfect lunchtime quickie.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Asian chicken salad recipe, bang, banging, carrot, Cheeky Chinese chicken salad recipe, chicken breast, china, Chinese, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green cabbage, greens, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, low fat, mandarin oranges, naked, nutritious, pan-steam, recipe, red cabbage, roughage, salad, salad party, salad tossing, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame, sex, soy sauce, tasty, toss my salad, Volvo, water chestnuts, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 5, 2016
Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!
I generally don’t recommend being bashful and covering up your naughty bits. But for some reason it has been deemed socially unacceptable to prance around naked in public. So when social decorum outweighs your exhibitionist tendencies, you need to figure out a classy way to cover up. Bring on the codpiece! Your most shocking parts will be hidden from view, yet you will leave everyone guessing what you could possibly be packing. And that’s just where you want to be. Apply this same hidden package of awesome theory to the meal you serve to your date. Nothing packs quite a flavor wallop like this black cod dish I made as an afterthought. The task at hand was preparing MISO HORNY COD that has been dropping panties since 2003. But I had leftover cod that required my swift attention lest these beautiful cuts of fish go the way of slap bracelets. So my date the following night was given a rarefied chance to try something new and totally untested. This dish is what follows and thank god for that! Lord knows she was thanking god in her own lascivious way. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, Japanese, RECIPES, seafood, thai | Tagged: 2003, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, black cod, cilantro, Coconut cod-piece recipe, coconut mango cod recipe, coconut milk, codpiece, cover up, delicious, DIY, easy, exhibitionist, fish, food, game changer, get laid, god, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, hidden package, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lascivious, libido, lime, macadamia nut, mango, naked, nude, olive oil, orange bell pepper, recipe, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 1, 2016
Patty cakes, salmon cakes, banger man! Bang me a salmon cake as fast as you can.
That Marie Antoinette was quite the strumpet of her day. This Versailles Vixen raised her bloomers for everyone in the court, men and women alike, except her pantywaist husband Louis XVI. What a scandal it must have been for the French queen to be a whore and the king likely gay. Every would-be suitor need only present an edible treat to Mademoiselle Antoinette and into her boudoir they would go. This was a precursor to COOK TO BANG. A little known historical fact: When Marie Antoinette said, ìLet them eat cake!î she meant salmon cakes. These are cheap and easy to create, but major crowd pleasers. If only Marie’s messenger hadn’t flubbed the message. Off with his head! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, RECIPES, seafood, southern, spicy | Tagged: bang, banging, bell pepper, bloomers, breadcrumbs, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, finger food, food, France, french, fry, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, king louis xvi, kitchen, let them eat cake, libido, marie Antoinette, naked, off with his head, patties, queen, recipe, red pepper flakes, salmon, salmon burger, salmon cakes recipe, salmon patty, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, strumpet, tasty, vegetable oil, Versailles, vixen, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 21, 2016
Stuff Me? Stuff You!
I’m sure someone has told you at some point in your life to “Get Stuffed” or something like that in one language or another. In essence they are telling you to get banged, which in some ways is a rather considerate suggestion. We all could do with a little more stuffing. Everyone would be a whole lot nicer without sexual frustration inspiring dickishness to the masses. It very well could be the solution to terrorism, the recession and what really happened to the dinosaurs. Attention Nobel Foundation: Please send the peace prize directly to my underground lab. In celebration, let’s stuffed some eggplant with our favorite meat and recognize that even in turbulent times, we still need to enjoy life. Cook To Bang, making the world a better-fed and sexier place. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bake stirfry, bang, beef, bell pepper, cashew nuts, chicken, Chinese stirfry eggplant recipe, delicious, dinosaurs, easy, eggplant, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, get stuffed, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, naked, nobel prize, oyster sauce, peace, pork, recession, recipe, sex, sexual frustration, soy sauce, Stuffed eggplant recipe, tasty, terrorism, tofu, wok, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 