May 11, 2009
The stuffed pepper party train has left the station!
It’s time to throw down! The week ain’t over yet, but you’re leady to let the dogs out. Woof to the M-F’ing woof! I suggest you get funky in the kitchen rather than unleash potentially rabid beasts onto the populace. Sure it may not be as thrilling as sending cooped up canines out into your neighborhood to attack mailmen and Xanaxed housewives alike. You will however avoid a lawsuit and a stern warning from animal control. Why not invite someone sexy over for a little party for two instead? What better way to do that than with bell peppers, chicken and apples? I do declare you are both in for a treat! Once you guys stuff yourselves with these aphrodisiac-stuffed peppers, it’s time for someone to get stuffed. Don’t be surprised if those same dogs howl along with as you both scream pleasurable expletives into the night. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | 
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Posted by cooktobang
April 17, 2009
Sex you can, yes you can!
Buenas noches, senoritas! There is plenty of room at mi casa y mi cama for a little bit of this and a whole lot of that. Considering how simple, fast and cheap these pizzas are to create, we can make them all night long. So feel free to invite some of your sexy amigas along. I’m selfless enough to share myself with all of you. It’s what Jesus would have done. And isn’t that what it’s all about? Screaming “Oh God!” or “Dios mio!” into the night demonstrates family values. So let’s do our part. Together we can make this world a more pleasurable place.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Beer or tequila
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 medium-sized flour tortillas
2. ½ can of black beans
3. 1 jalapeño de-seeded chopped
4. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
5. 2 handfuls of shredded jack cheese
6. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 2 sprinkles of Menudo mix
Step 1
Preheat an oven or toaster oven to 375 degrees F. Use a fork to spread out a ¼ can of black beans on each tortilla, using as little of the bean liquid as possible. Scatter the jalapeño and tomato evenly over the beans. Place the cheese evenly above and crown it with a sprinkle of menudo mix.
Step 2
Throw the Mexican pizzas in the oven and bake until the cheese melts and the tortillas brown and harden (approx 12 minutes). Remove from the oven and artfully place the avocado slices over the pizzas and chop into quarters and serve. Ole!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, italian, mexican, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, bang, black beans, Buenos noches, cheap, Christian, dairy, delicious, dios mio, DIY, easy, family values, fast, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, jalapeño tomato, jesus, kitchen, menudo mix, mexican, Mexican pizza recipe, mexico, naked, recipe, seduce, senoritas, sex, sex you can, tasty, tortilla crust, tortilla recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 16, 2009
Ramen on and on and on!
So you are ready to throw down for the hot number you got lined up. The only problem is your wallet’s emptier than a beauty queen’s head. Fear not for money will be the least of your worries tonight. Your mind will be occupied debating which gravity-defying position to try next. This dish will bring your dates back to their starving student days when they would put out after two red keg cups and an inquiry about their major. Those collegiate memories still rattle like a tower of beer cans knocked over in a hung-over stupor. Embrace this turbo-diesel version of ramen with flamboyant flavor you won’t find in one of those tumor-inducing MSG packets. You will have to settle for fresh vegetables and a gingerific aphrodisiac payload. And if I were you, I’d change out of that toga before you head to work the next day.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or Sake
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 teaspoon of chili sauce
2. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil
4. 2 packets of dry ramen
5. 1 egg
6. 1 bell pepper cut into strips
7. 1 onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ a lime of juice
9. 1 large handful of fresh chopped GINGER
10. 2 handfuls of mushrooms chopped coarsely
Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a roaring boil. Place the dried ramen (discard flavor pack) in a bowl and add the hot water. Cover the bowl for 3 minutes, break up the bunched noodles with a fork, and then drain them in a colander.
Step 2
Warm up the vegetable oil in a deep pan or wok on medium-high heat. Stir-fry the ginger and onions (approx 3 minutes); add the bell peppers (approx 2 minutes) and mushrooms (approx 2 minutes). Kick up the flavor with the soy sauce and chili sauce.
Step 3
Dump the ramen into the veggies and mix it all up. Squeeze in the limejuice. Crack an egg in the center of the noodles, allowing it to cook (approx 1 minutes) before stirring it into the ramen. Serve it up like a Samurai warrior of lust.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, Japanese, RECIPES, vegan | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, beauty queen, bell pepper, broke, cheap, chili sauce, college, delicious, DIY, drunk, easy, egg, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Japanese, keg, kitchen, lime, major, msg, mushrooms, naked, onion, ramen, Ramen stir-fry recipe, recipe, rock, rock your ramen all night long, seduce, sex, soy sauce, spicy ramen, stir-fry noodles, tasty, university, vegan, vegetable oil, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 8, 2009
Don’t chicken out when chicken out a perfect ass!
From here it looks pretty damn good. Firm and spankable for sure. What? I can’t help admiring your fine posterior. You’ve been blessed. That DOES NOT make me a pervert! I may be a pervert, but for doing things far worse than staring at your glorious behind for the last 20 minutes. Quite frankly, if you didn’t want people staring you would have worn some ugly khaki cargo pants instead of that hot number that screams out, “Hey, everyone! Check out my amazing ass!” So there. You must be hungry from being so goddamn hot. Why don’t you sit down and allow me to make a peace offering. Try this chicken salad that is superior to any found in the Milky Way Galaxy. Seriously, Zorvax who writes for Zagat across the Universe assured me of that. He said it’s even better than the succulent salad made from space chickens on the planet Nebulon’s furthest moon. Now sit your luscious ass right here…on my lap.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: White wine or an ice cold RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 3):
1. 1 teaspoon of black pepper
2. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
3. 1 teaspoon of red wine vinegar
4. 1 Fuji apple
5. 1 AVOCADO
6. 1 green endive
7. ½ lime of juice
8. ½ lb of white meat chicken
9. 1 handful of PINE NUTS
10. 8 Kalamata olives
Step 1
Chop out the core of the apple and then slice into long thin pieces. Cut the stalk off the endive and cut every ¼ inch down. Chop the olives up finely. Halve the avocado, and then cut thin long slices.
Step 2
Marinate the chicken in limejuice and black pepper (approx 10 minutes). Pan-fry the chicken until it cooks all the way through, flipping to cook both sides evenly (approx 5 minutes). Finally, cut the chicken into long thin strips.
Step 3
Throw the apples, endives, olives, pine nuts, avocado and chicken into a big salad bowl.
Step 4
Add the mayonnaise and red wine vinegar and toss it all together evenly. Then serve it up, unless you have already commenced groping your date.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple, avocado, bang, black pepper, bum, butt, check out that ass, chicken salad, delicious, derrière, DIY, easy, endive, fuji, game changer, get laid, gourmet, Gourmet Chicken salad recipe, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, khaki cargo pants, kitchen, limejuice, mayonnaise, milk way galaxy, naked, nice ass, pine nuts olives, posterior, recipe, red wine vinegar, seduce, sex, space chickens, spankable, tasty, universe, white meat, yummy, zagat, zorvax | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 13, 2009
Let me see you cha cha chicken!
Can you cha cha? It’s only the simplest dance in the known universe. I saw syphilitic lab monkeys doing it by accident and that was after an experiment with excess wine consumption. If a drunken monkey can do it, you should be able to pull it off blindfolded. This dish is on same page as the cha cha. It’s almost impossible to screw the pooch on this one. You could try pouring turpentine into the mix (CTB discourages this wholeheartedly), but then it would have a cool, briny taste. Just follow the protocol below and spend your extra time kicking game. That will leave you with plenty of time to kick game while you dance the half-naked cha cha. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Mediterranean, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: alfredo sauce, aphrodisiac, artichoke, ballroom, bang, blindfold, cha cha, cheese, creamy, Creamy artichoke chicken recipe, dance, delicious, DIY, drunken monkeys, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, italian, kick game, kitchen, lab monkey, libido, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, pan-steam, parmesan, pre-seasoned chicken breast, recipe, screw the pooch, seduce, sex, strictly ballroom, tasty, turpentine, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 18, 2009
Lay that cod on the bed and cook it's brains out
You’ve been rocking that cod all night. Your filet so cooked it’s crispy from all the heat. You’ve ridden it hard and put it away wet. It’s time to put it to bed…of veggies. Welcome to the CTB jungle, baby! You’re gonna die…from an orgasm overdose. This dish overflows with aphrodisiac-loaded potential for seducing even the most prude of Prudences. Sure the price of ingredients ain’t cheap, but you can’t build a rocket to the moon out of sardine cans from the 99cent store. I tried and crash-landed outside of Tijuana where I got a great FISH TACO. This recipe is quality over quantity for that quality someone you really really want. I warn you that it will be rather HARD to determine which orgasm you prefer. The sexual or culinary? Just consider it a multiple orgasm and be done with it.
*Special shout out to master chef Jane for this audaciously awesome recipe.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $20, but worth every goddamn penny!
Drinking Buddy: White wine; just drink the rest of the bottle (see below)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 Portobello mushroom
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. ½ cup of white wine
4. 1 leek
5. 1 tablespoon of salt
6. Pepper to taste
7. 2 strips of bacon (or turkey or veggie bacon)
8. 2 8-ounce filets of black cod
9. 1 large carrot peeled
10. 1 handful or dried porcini mushrooms
11. 2 garlic cloves minced
Step 1
First you must prep the leeks and Portobello mushrooms that are filthier than your mind. Cut the stem and most of the dark green off the leek, then spilt in half and wash them thoroughly, being sure to wash out the grit between the folds, then chopping thin slices. Peel, filet and dice the carrots. Finally, wash off the Portobello mushroom thoroughly, pull out the stalk gently, scrap out the black gills and chop them into 1-inch thick strips.
Step 2
Heat a large pan on medium-high. Throw in the bacon and cook out all the fat before tossing in the leeks, garlic and carrots and cook them down (approx 5 minutes). Slice the mushroom strips into bite-sized pieces, throw in the salt and cook down further (approx 3 minutes). Dump in the white wine, and turn down heat and allow to simmer while you do Step 3.
Step 3
Take the dried porcini mushrooms and pulverize them in a coffee grinder (if you don’t have grinder, use mortal & pestle, or chop with knife). Throw the shroom dust in a deep container and rub each side of the black cod in it. Heat the olive oil up in another pan on high heat and throw on the coated cod filets cooking each side until crispy before flipping (3 minutes each side). Serve each filet over a bed of veggies.
Who’s getting laid tonight? You are!
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bacon, bang, bed of veggies, black cod, black cod recipe, carrot, delicious, DIY, dried porcini mushrooms, easy, fiber, filet, fish, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leek, naked, olive oil, pepper, porcini mushroom coated fish, Porcini Mushroom coated grilled cod on bed of leeks carrots and Portobello mushrooms, Portobello mushroom, protein, recipe, romantic, salt, sauté, seafood, seduce, sex, shroom coated cod recipe, take to bed, tasty, turkey bacon, veggie bacon, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 6, 2009
Class up the Jell-O by setting them in citrus rinds
Jell-O shots are a symbol of youthful indiscretion. The very use of them conjures up memories of high school or college parties. Turning alcohol into a solid, easily tossable form indicates a clear problem with authority. Anyone making, serving or slurping these lacks maturity and predictability. Shame shame, they know your name! If the kid in you still wants to play hard, read on. If you are shaking your head with disappointment, might I recommend the AARP website where they offer great tips for keeping your shuffleboard skills tip top during winter. Fact: Jell-O shots are silly. Fact: Jell-O shots are a crapshoot of adventure. Part of the fun is seeing how hard they’ll hit you (CTB recommends caution, of course). Chances are good that you’ll end up drunkenly manhandling someone who will hopefully molest you right back. Both your chins will be stained from gelatin and your brains tainted with booze. Do Bill Cosby proud and say it loud, “There’s always room for Jell-O!”
Total time: approximately 4 hours
Projected cost: $6 (excluding vodka)
Drinking Buddy: You’re eating your drink, Mm mm!
Ingredients:
1. 1 package of Jell-O, chef’s choice on flavor
2. 2 cups of vodka
3. 2 cups of water
4. Handful of separated mint leaves
5. 6 lemons or oranges to half & hollow out
Step 1
Bring the water to a roaring boil. Dump in the Jell-O mix and stir until the powder dissolves completely (approx 2 minutes). Turn off the heat and pour the cold or room temperature vodka into the mix.
Step 2
Cut the lemon or oranges in half and hollow them out. Use a ladle to pour the unformed Jell-O liquid to the brim of each hollow rind. Place in the fridge and allow them to cool and harden (approx 4 hours). Halfway through the process, place a mint sprig in each half and allow them to set. Serve the Jell-O shots up
There's always room for Jell-O!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, fusion, libation lubrication, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: alcohol, bang, booze, creeper, delicious, dessert, disguise, drink, drunk, easy, game changer, gathering, gelatin, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, halves, hidden, immature, intercourse, Jell-O, Jell-O shots recipe, Jello shots recipe, jelly, kitchen, lemon, mint, naked, orange, party, party time, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, solid alcohol, sweet, tasty, vegetarian, vodka, water, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 31, 2009
Red Pepper 42, Black Bean 42, Hut Hut Hike!
I’m gasping for air as I write this post. Good god is this veggie chili sexy, healthy and satisfying. Trust me when I say this is going to be a challenge to not eat it all before I bring it to the Super Bowl party this weekend. It’s like waiting for marriage to engage in sexual relations. It’s a nice idea in theory. But seriously, why? Sure it might feel great to finally experience pure ecstasy with the person you will spend the rest of your life. But then again it might be a huge let down when you finally claim what’s yours. Luckily you don’t have to worry about that with this chili dish. It actually tastes better the next day once the flavors have wrapped their legs around the veggies and grinded until they make culinary cunnilingus. If you do manage to keep this ridiculously healthy chili around for the Super Bowl or other party, you will certainly be busy taking down phone numbers from eager foodies with an appetite for you. Take a number.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: A beer, margarita or other football-watching beverage
Ingredients (serves a party or 2 hungry people for days):
1. ½ cup of vegetable oil
2. 1 tablespoon of dried oregano
3. 1 8-ounce can of corn
4. Sour cream for garnish
5. 1 teaspoon of salt
6. Shredded cheddar cheese for garnish
7. 2 tablespoons of ground cumin
8. 1 28-ounce can of whole tomatoes
9. 1 can of garbanzo beans
10. 1 can of black beans
11. 2 stalks of celery chopped coarsely
12. 1 green pepper chopped coarsely
13. 1 red pepper chopped coarsely
14. 4 cloves of garlic chopped finely
15. 2 dried New Mexico chilies
16. 1 large carrot peeled and chopped coarsely
17. 1 yellow pepper coarsely
18. 1 onion chopped coarsely.
19. 2 handfuls of mushrooms chopped coarsely
Step 1
Heat up the vegetable oil in a stockpot on medium-high. Sautee the garlic solo until they brown (approx 30 seconds). Cook the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Throw in all the carrots, celery, yellow, red and green peppers and cook until they soften, stirring occasionally. (approx 15 minutes)
Step 2
It’s time to spice things up. Cup up the New Mexico chilies, then toss them into the pot with the mushrooms let it simmer (approx 2 minutes). Now smack it all up with ground cumin, oregano and salt and cook in the flavor (approx 10 minutes).
Step 3
Open up the can of tomatoes and drain the juice into a bowl before chopping the tomatoes up coarsely. Add the tomatoes and juice onto the pot and cook until the tomatoes dissolve and become part of the sauce (approx 10 minutes).
Step 4
Drain the liquid from the cans of corn, garbanzo beans and black beans, then dump them all into the pot and cook them with all the other goodies until they become united in their chili power (approx 10 minutes). Serve up with a sexy selection of toppings like shredded cheddar, sour cream and diced red onions.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, HOT LIQUID LOVE, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, bell pepper, black beans, carrot, celery, cheddar, cheese, chili, corn, cumin, delicious, easy, game changer, garbanzo beans, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green pepper, guarantee, healthy, intercourse, kitchen, mexican, mushroom, naked, new Mexico chilies, onion, oregano, party, recipe, red pepper, romance, salt, Santa fe, SEDUCTION, sex, sour cream, south beach diet, spicy, Super bowl, tailgate, tasty, tomato, vegetable oil, vegetarian, Vegetarian chili recipe, veggie chili recipe, winter, yellow pepper, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 27, 2009
One good choke deserves another
Hey, you there! Halt! Step away from the chicken. It didn’t do you no wrong. I can speak as a character witness for the fowl. He ain’t a bad bird. The guy is just a feathered freak doing his thing. There is nothing shameful in doing your thing. Besides, why settle for a night in pummeling that innocent mound when you can be out there getting someone else to choke that bad boy? Trust me when I say both you and your chicken will both be better off for it. Which brings me to this pure unadulterated APHRODISIAC bomb. You are eating a 98.5% payload of vitamins, minerals and phytochemicals to fuel the evening’s cardiovascular requirements. And if that wasn’t enough for you, at no additionally cost, we’ll also throw in an extra kick of sexy time explosion with the spicy aioli to give you a head start in the hot and sweaty department. We here at COOK TO BANG standby our warranty. If you don’t like it, you can return it. We’re THAT confident in our product. Happy munching.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: White wine is a classy touch, especially something dry like Chardonnay
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
2. 1/2 teaspoon of salt
3. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
4. 1 large artichoke
5. 1 lemon cut in half
6. ½ a dried chipotle pepper
7. 1 clove of garlic chopped finely
Step 1
Steam the artichokes on high heat until the artichoke opens up and you can pull out the leaves with ease (approx 35-45 minutes). While they steam, make the sauce in Step 2. When the artichokes are steaming with APHRODISIAC loaded goodness, cut them down the middle slowly. Use a spoon to scoop out the very center where the wispy flowery pieces nest, leaving the artichoke heart intact (the dish’s G spot). Set them on a plate and squeeze one of the lemon halves into open artichoke.
Step 2
Cut up the dried chipotle chili finely. Mix it together with garlic, ½ a lemon, mayonnaise, salt, and cayenne pepper. Refrigerate until the artichoke and your date are ready to rumble.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, cayenne pepper, chipotle, choke your chicken, delicious, easy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, lemon artichoke, mayonnaise, naked, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, spicy aioli recipe, Steamed artichoke recipe, steamed artichokes, tasty, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 11, 2009
Lunch never tasted so egg-cellent!
A few years back I was in the UK for work, but treated it like a vacation. I promised my mother I would look up an old friend of hers, Lady something or other. We met for teatime in her manor outside of London with her daughter in tow. The daughter was in her early twenties and looked like Keira Knightley with a silver spoon shoved way up her bum. The girl was gorgeous, but a far cry from the good time Britons I befriended at a London techno club the previous evening. Little lady spoon-up-her-ass ignored the boorish American eating egg salad sandwiches and charming her mother. After our spot of tea, my mother’s friend instructed her daughter to show me around the grounds of their estate. She reluctantly showed me the horses, emus and llamas, her mother’s prized rose garden and finally the neatly manicured maze. You can tell how rich British person is by the size of their maze. This maze was HUGE. I insisted we venture in and allowed her to lead me through. To this day, I don’t know whether she got us lost on purpose. What I am sure of is that this lady became a tramp away from prying eyes. This girl who had earlier regarded me as less appealing than dogshit on her shoe suddenly pounced on me like a lioness in heat. We returned to the manor tousled with grass stains all over her frilly white dress. She returned to her icy cold robot mode, never mentioning our unmentionable act. I consumed more tea and egg salad sandwiches, which tasted way better post-coitus.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: This is lunch time fare so an iced tea or lemonade, unless you are a three martini lunch kind of guy
Ingredients (for two):
1. 3 eggs
2. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
3. ½ a teaspoon of cayenne pepper
4. Salt to taste
5. ¼ lime of juice
6. ½ an avocado (had to throw APHRODISIAC in the mix)
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. 4 slices of bread
Step 1
Get a pot of water boiling and toss the eggs until they are hard-boiled (approx 5 minutes). Place the eggs in a bowl of water and ice to cool them down before you remove the shells.
Step 2
Combine the eggs, green onions, cayenne pepper, salt and limejuice in a bowl. Mix it all up with a fork to smash the eggs into tiny chunks. Your egg salad should have a yellow tinge from the yolks and cayenne.
Step 3
Toast the bread, preferably not too dark. Split up the egg salad between the two slices of toasted bread. Set avocado on top of each, close the sandwiches, split them in half and serve.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, british, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: avocado, bang, bread, cayenne pepper, delicious, easy, egg salad, egg salad recipe, Egg salad sandwich recipe, English, fancy, fast, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, lime juice, lunch, mayonnaise, naked, protein, recipe, romance, sandwich, SEDUCTION, sex, teatime | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 