July 24, 2012
Polenta it all off, the skivvies too.
Making those pesky clothes vanish is easier than you’d think. Despite the popular folklore that you first must pass a series of relationship tests in order to get there, au contraire. The scientists working around the clock in shifts down in the Cook To Bang lab have discovered a way to leapfrog that major time suck. Polenta draws people sharing it for reasons I could only explain via a Glenn Beck crazy chart. It has the effect even with polar opposites like a hipster honky in pants tighter than the sororitease he’s banging’s black fuck-me pants. Don’t question the science. It just works, like gravity. Or condoms*. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | 
APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, hippie, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, baking powder, baking soda, bang, banging, bottle service, butter, cookies, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, egg, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gift, gourmet, grease, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, recipe, resourcefulness, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slanging, strawberries, sugar cookie recipe, sugar daddy, sugar daddy cookies, sweets, tasty, thoughtfulness, vanilla extract, vegetable oil, white sugar, who’s your daddy, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
November 16, 2011
Because banging once is never enough!
Why bang once when you can bang twice or thrice and on and on? The first banging session is a warm up, a mulligan if you will. Sure it’s like the first ascent of a famed mountain peak, but sometimes you are too exhausted to really take in the view. Now that you’re onto round two you can savor it. You’ve been here before, so you are appreciating new aspects like the pubic foliage. I hope that the arduous journey (cooking) was worth the destination (banging). It would have to be if you are coming back for a sequel. If Godfather II, Empire Strikes Back and Evil Dead 2 taught us anything, it’s that the second time can be sweeter than the first. So warm that shit back up for late night spooning. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, RECIPES, southern, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, bang, basil, carb, carbohydrates, cheddar cheese, delicious, DIY, easy, empire strikes back, evil dead 2, foliage, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, goat cheese, godfather II, golf, gourmet, gourmet twice baked potato, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, mulligan, naked, olive oil, onion, pepper, potato, pubic, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, sex, sour cream, spooning, tasty, thrice, twice, Twice baked potato recipe, twice banged potato, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 8, 2010
This post brought to you unofficially by Planned Parenthood. "Got condoms? You god damn right!"
CTB is all about promoting responsibility in our depravity. Sure we cook and bang with reckless abandon, but never at the cost our health or our playthings’. I don’t mean this to sound like an after school special PSA with a crack addicted pregnant teenager fighting for the final spot on the cheerleading squad. But you should wrap that shit up before spelunking. That way you can bang from here to eternity. It’d be a damn shame to cut your CTB career so short. So how about getting some practice with this phallic dish? It’s win win: guys will become more mindful of the need to practice safe sex. Ladies will have a fine visual aid that can lead their minds to the dirty place. Now start wrapping before you start stuffing.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: KINKY PINKY LADY
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 9 large intact spinach leaves
3. 1 tbsp HONEY
4. 3 sausages (piggie or poultry)
5. 1 handful shredded mozzarella
6. 1/2 mango
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Peel away the mango skin and cut long thin slices. Split the sausage, leaving one side intact. Stuff the sausage with mango, mozzarella, and honey. Cut the stems away from the spinach and wrap the sausages, pinning the leaves with toothpicks.
Step 2
Drizzle a small baking pan with oil, rubbing it all in. Lay out the wrapped sausages evenly and throw in the oven. Bake until the spinach because crispy and the mozzarella melts (approx 25 min). Remove the toothpicks before serving.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, calivirgin, cheerleading squad, condoms, crack-addicted, ctb, delicious, depravity, DIY, easy, finger food, food, foreplay, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mango, mozzarella, naked, olive oil, phallic, pregnant teenager, psa, recipe, reckless abandon, responsibility, safe sex, sausage, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spinach, spinach wrapped stuffed sausage, stuffed sausage recipe, tasty, win-win, wrap that shit up, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 9, 2009
Squash all resistance to your charms!
Some knucklehead who probably hasn’t seen a naked woman since his subscription to National Geographic ran out told me squash ain’t sexy. Granted it doesn’t pack the same luscious sex appeal as an oyster or fig, but damnit, squash has gotten me laid plenty of times. Squash is the perfect fall ingredient to prep you for the cold winter that lies ahead. They are inexpensive, tasty and versatile as a bisexual Cirque du Soleil performer. My problem is that I keep going back to my classic squash dishes. But you gotta break out of routine, no matter how awesome that routine might be, if you hope to attain glory. This little Frankenstein’s monster brought honor to my family; my reputation as a lady-slayer stands untarnished. It was spicy, sweet and comforting all at the same time. My one caution is that this side dish very well may outclass the rest of your meal. So cook with bravado!
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Hot Cider with a splash of bourbon
Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 apple
2. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
3. 1 dash salt
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
6. 3 petit pan squash
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2 large handfuls shredded mozzarella
9. 3 garlic cloves sliced thinly
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice the ends off the globe squash and cut into thin rounds. Do the same for the petit pan squash. Toss the squash with the garlic, olive oil, cayenne pepper and salt. Lay them out in a large flat baking pan.
Step 2
Core and slice up the apple into thin slices. Lay them evenly over the squash and season with cinnamon. Scatter the cheese across evenly and you’re ready to rumble.
Step 3
Throw the casserole in the oven and bake until the apples and squash soften, and the cheese melts (approx 30 min).
Serve as a kickass side to any number of outstanding ENTRÉES. You could eat it solo, it’s that good.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, southern, spicy, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple, bake, bang, banging, bisexual, bravado, calivirgin, casserole, cayenne pepper, cheese, cinnamon, cirque du soleil, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frankenstein’s monster, game changer, garlic, get laid, globe squash, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mozzarella, naked, naked woman, national geographic, olive oil, petit pan squash, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, spicy squash casserole, squash, squashtacular, tasty, toss, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 21, 2009
Get stuffed? Don't mind if I do!
Be ready to feel overshadowed unless you are packing serious heat (in your oven). That ain’t necessarily a bad thing. This banana oozes with chocolate gooeyness. You’re golden so long as you regard this APHRODISIAC overdose as a friend and not foe. You will be hard-pressed not to sing cult-like praises once you take your first bite, or second or third where you stuff it all into your mouth and wish you had made a few extra. There’s a high probability you may forget your date is even there once the gorging begins. But fear not for they will be reacting in a similarly compromising manner so you will be in good company. You will both be locked into an alternate chocolaty universe where you frolic among the folds of strawberry and banana. Unless you ascend to the heavens, you can then ravage each other until the euphoria wears off. Win-win, if you ask me.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a SMOKING HOT PEPPERMINT FATTY
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 2 bananas
2. 5 STRAWBERRIES
3. 1 handful dark CHOCOLATE chips or shards
4. Powdered sugar (optional and not pictured)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice open the top of the banana all the way through to split the meat. Slice the strawberries thinly and stuff into the banana. Stuff the chocolate evenly with the strawberries.
Step 2
Throw the stuffed bananas into the oven and bake until the chocolate melts (approx 40 min). Remove from the oven and sprinkle some powdered sugar if you’re feeling it. Serve up with a spoon. Vanilla ice cream might go nicely with it.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alternate universe, aphrodisiac, bake, baked chocolate banana recipe, banana, bang, banging, chocolate, cocoa, cult, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, euphoria, foe, food, friend, game changer, get laid, gooeyness, gorging, gourmet, guarantee, heavens, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, overdose, powdered sugar, ravage, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, split, sprinkle, strawberry, stuff, stuff that chocolate banana recipe, sweet, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, win-win, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 2, 2009
If you eat-a my pita, I'll gladly reciprocate.
That’s right, you read that right. Eat-a my goddamn pita! I don’t care if it sounds rude. In fact, it is quite the opposite. I’m trying to make sure you eat something nutritious…for a change. Don’t harp on me just because I’m looking out for you. No one else has the courage to set your dumb ass straight. You should be thanking me not only for my kindness, but for this sandwich that’s likely the only calories you consume this week that are nonalcoholic. But now that we got the pleasantries out of the way, bitch, let’s get down the hate-fucking each other before work. Passive aggressive sex with pita sandwiches on the go coming right up!
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Sauvignon blanc or beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 thyme pita pizza
2. 2 tbsp HUMMUS
3. 2 handfuls leftover FISH (salmon in pics)
4. 2 large handfuls romaine chopped coarsely
5. 1 small handful kalamata olives
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 200°F/90°C so you can warm the pita pizza up. Spread hummus over half the pita. Scatter the fish, lettuce and pitted olives evenly. Fold the pita over in half and cut them into two sandwiches.
Serve these as a light dinner or when you’re rushing out the door for a meeting because you dillydallied too long with the hot piece of ass in your bed.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, fusion, healthy, Middle Eastern, SINWICHES | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, delicious, DIY, easy, eat-a my pita sinwich, fast, fish, fold, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hummus, intercourse, kalamata olives, kitchen, leftovers. romaine, libido, naked, nonalcoholic, nutritious, on the go, pita pizza, pita sandwich recipe, recipe, salmon, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 4, 2009
Squish squash, let's get sauced!
This side dish is soft to the touch, yet crunchy in all the right places. As described, this does not sound like the hard-body of summer vegetable concoctions. But this dish could help you get that hard beach body all the cool kids seem to be having these days. This casserole is light, full of flavor and pack a wallop of flavor-filled fungasms. This particular dish was an experiment in how to cook summer squash besides on the grill. A tough act to follow. It provided great company for the grilled chicken I served to this annoying date. The date was a bust, but luckily I got my jollies from this casserole. The silver lining never tasted so good.
Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Nice cold beer or white wine
Ingredients:
1. 1 tbsp breadcrumbs
2. 2 tbsp olive oil
3. 1 dash paprika
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 onion chopped coarsely
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2-ounces goat cheese
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Grease a baking pan or deep wide pie-pan with olive oil. Chop the squash into ½ inch rounds. Line the pan with a layer of squash rounds, throw the onions over and crown with half of the goat cheese. Set down another layer, use the rest of the goat cheese and crown with green onions. Pour the remaining olive oil, season with paprika and salt, and evenly distribute the breadcrumbs over the top.
Step 2
Throw the squash in the oven and bake until the veggies soften and the top browns (approx 45 min). Serve up on plates as a lunch or to compliment an ENTRÉE.
2 Comments | healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, summer, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, baked squash, bang, banging, breadcrumbs, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fungasm, game changer, get laid, globe squash, globe squash casserole recipe, goat cheese, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, onion, paprika, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, squishy squashy casserole recipe, summer, tasty, vegetables, vegetarian, veggies, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 16, 2009
Tickle tickle, don't be fickle fickle.
Ooh, baby! You know how I like it! A gentle tickle while I my groove gets on and on and on. It’s the little things in life that give us the most pleasure. I don’t need no plasma screen, limousine, nor sports team. All I need is your soft touch on my most special of areas. Not too gentle, not too rough. That’s it. That’s exactly how we approach this simple chicken ENTRÉE. A few extra steps result make the classic baked chicken into a magnum opus of flavorful pleasure. Sure we could get our panties in a bunch making something uber-gourmet multi-step dish. But sometimes simple and succulent is sexy. So what are you waiting for? These walnuts aren’t going to tickle themselves!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: White wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 small handful of fresh BASIL
2. 1 handful of crushed walnuts
3. 1 tsp of paprika
4. 2 chicken breasts
5. ½ a lemon
6. 1 egg
Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Marinate the chicken breasts in lemon juice and paprika (approx 15 min). Whisk an egg in one bowl and combine chopped up basil and walnuts in another bowl.
Step 2
Dip each marinated chicken breast in the whisked egg and then dip both sides into the walnut mixture. Place the chicken in a greased baking pan. Cover the chicken tops with the remaining walnuts. Pour the remaining egg over it and bake until the chicken cooks through and the walnuts form a crust (approx 30 min).
Serve up on a bed of spinach or your favorite CARBOLUSCIOUS side dish.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, atkins, bake, baked chicken with walnuts, bang, banging, basil, chicken breasts, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, entree, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, limousine, magnum opus, naked, nuts, paprika, plasma screen, recipe, seduce, sex, simple, sports team, tasty, tickle my nuts, tickle my walnuts recipe, walnut chicken recipe, Walnut crusted chicken recipe, walnuts, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 11, 2009
The stuffed pepper party train has left the station!
It’s time to throw down! The week ain’t over yet, but you’re leady to let the dogs out. Woof to the M-F’ing woof! I suggest you get funky in the kitchen rather than unleash potentially rabid beasts onto the populace. Sure it may not be as thrilling as sending cooped up canines out into your neighborhood to attack mailmen and Xanaxed housewives alike. You will however avoid a lawsuit and a stern warning from animal control. Why not invite someone sexy over for a little party for two instead? What better way to do that than with bell peppers, chicken and apples? I do declare you are both in for a treat! Once you guys stuff yourselves with these aphrodisiac-stuffed peppers, it’s time for someone to get stuffed. Don’t be surprised if those same dogs howl along with as you both scream pleasurable expletives into the night. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, SEDUCTION | Tagged: animal control, aphrodisiac, apple, bake, bang, banging, basil, calivirgin, canine, chicken apples stuffed bell peppers, chicken breast, delicious, DIY, dogs, easy, food, game changer, get laid, get stuffed, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, housewives, howl, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, lawsuit, libido, mailmen, naked, olive oil, pine nuts, recipe, red bell pepper, red wine vinegar, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, Stuffed bell pepper recipe, stuffed pepper party, tasty, who let the dogs out?, woof, xanax, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 17, 2009
Sex you can, yes you can!
Buenas noches, senoritas! There is plenty of room at mi casa y mi cama for a little bit of this and a whole lot of that. Considering how simple, fast and cheap these pizzas are to create, we can make them all night long. So feel free to invite some of your sexy amigas along. I’m selfless enough to share myself with all of you. It’s what Jesus would have done. And isn’t that what it’s all about? Screaming “Oh God!” or “Dios mio!” into the night demonstrates family values. So let’s do our part. Together we can make this world a more pleasurable place.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Beer or tequila
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 medium-sized flour tortillas
2. ½ can of black beans
3. 1 jalapeño de-seeded chopped
4. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
5. 2 handfuls of shredded jack cheese
6. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 2 sprinkles of Menudo mix
Step 1
Preheat an oven or toaster oven to 375 degrees F. Use a fork to spread out a ¼ can of black beans on each tortilla, using as little of the bean liquid as possible. Scatter the jalapeño and tomato evenly over the beans. Place the cheese evenly above and crown it with a sprinkle of menudo mix.
Step 2
Throw the Mexican pizzas in the oven and bake until the cheese melts and the tortillas brown and harden (approx 12 minutes). Remove from the oven and artfully place the avocado slices over the pizzas and chop into quarters and serve. Ole!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, italian, mexican, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, bang, black beans, Buenos noches, cheap, Christian, dairy, delicious, dios mio, DIY, easy, family values, fast, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, jalapeño tomato, jesus, kitchen, menudo mix, mexican, Mexican pizza recipe, mexico, naked, recipe, seduce, senoritas, sex, sex you can, tasty, tortilla crust, tortilla recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 