March 23, 2015
Tequila = boozy floozies in a jacuzzis
Ever just start speaking in rhymes?
Happens at the most inconvenient times?
Dr. Seuss crawled down your throat?
Like someone’s always getting your goat?
Bust out some tangy lime and tequila
Your date is sure to touch and feel ya.
So rather than whine, bitch, and groan
Make pasta so good they will moan
I shall refrain from babbling all night
This rhyming even gives me a fright
Guys, don’t just play with your wang
Good forth, my friends, Cook To Bang!
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1 Comment | 
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Posted by cooktobang
August 1, 2014
Morgina? Aye yi, el capitan!
I discovered this drink purely by accident. While visiting New York, a friend brought me to one of the last games played in Yankee Stadium. Responsible members of society that we are, we pre-gamed in the subway. Serendipity inspired my friend to get a bottle of Captain Morgan’s while I was thirsty for a little Eurotrash soda and went with Orangina. As a lark, we combined forces and something magical happened. Two derelicts boozing on the subway caught their own lightning in a bottle! As the booze kicked in, we became spokesmen for our new beverage. I’m sure we frightened most of our fellow subway riders, but if we inspired only one other person, it was worth it. The game itself was uneventful. Truth be told, I don’t remember most of it. But after the game we caught up with some girls we me out at a bar the other night. The ladies did agree that we reinvented the wheel with our new beverage. We got muy intoxicado and carried on like pirates into the wee hours sans clothing. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | Caribbean, libation lubrication, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, banging, baseball, beverage, booze, captain morgans, cocktail, delicious, derelict, DIY, drunk, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, ice, intercourse, kitchen, libation, libido, lime, liquor, mint leaves, mix, naked, new york, orangina, pirates, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, serendipity, sex, spiced rum, spokesmen, subway, tasty, Yankees, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 26, 2014
Inhale my kale
This simple as sin noodle dish’s got everything. Want healthy green kale? You got it, bub, Feel like the tart of lime, a hint of Vietnamese with the fish sauce, maybe the tang of sun-dried tomato? Indoubely-deed. How about an aphrodisiac triple threat? Bim bam boom. That mean old Dr. Atkins will shake his immortal head in shame over the carbs, but in their defense, they are pretty light and airy. And that will come in handy when all the colors swirling around this healthy noodle dish spin you and your date off your feet and into bed. Feel free to watch the kaleidoscope in the air when you’re both lying panting, post-coital, feeling it. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, fusion, healthy, hippie, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, spicy, vietnamese | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, avocado oil, bang, banging, basil, bim bam boom, carboluscious, carbs, delicious, DIY, dr. atkins, easy, fish sauce, food, fusion, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hippie, homemade, intercourse, kale, kale rice noodles recipe, kale-idoscope rice noodles, kaleidoscope noodles, kitchen, libido, lime, naked, post-coital, recipe, rice noodles, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chilies, sex, southeast asian, spicy, stirfry, sun dried tomato, tasty, vegetable oil, Vietnam, vietnamese, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 23, 2013
Soba So Lucky So Good
There are bad carbs and good carbs. Some good carbs can be great carbs with the right amount of sex appeal. We’re about to take what is already damn good for you and make it damn good for your culinary seduction game. Leave it to the Japanese to make noodles this banging on the healthy scale. They already brought us ninjas, sumo wrestling, and anime porn. No one should be surprised that their culinary innovations are as versatile as a geisha who goes from flower dancing to lap dancing. The addition of winter veggies creates an extra bonus like banging a hottie who can actually carry on a conversation other than shopping or sports. I think I’m in love, or just very hungry and horny. Either way, munch freely! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, healthy, Japanese, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: anime, asian, bang, banging, carbs, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, garlic, geisha, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthy, homemade, horny, hottie, hungry, I think I’m in love, intercourse, japan, Japanese, kitchen, lemongrass, libido, light, lime, naked, ninja, porn, rainbow chard, recipe, rice vinegar, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, so banging soba noodles, soba noodle recipe, soba noodles, soy sauce, sumo wrestling, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, versatile, white radish, winter vegetable soba noodles, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 16, 2013
Wrap it, wrap it, WRAP IT up tight!
Culinary seduction is a delicate dance. One can never seem too eager or lackadaisical. Walk the tightrope. It’s all about putting as much passion into your cooking as you do into your banging. Like in the sack, you want them begging for more of your food. This can yield repeat visits from a sex kitten or wild stallion. They might just tell their friends about the hottest night of their adult life, your future CTB candidates. There is no better publicity than an outstanding performance. Hence, this fine dish. It all started while I was house-sitting a family friend’s home in Key West. I took a booze cruise along the Florida Bay where I met a college girl staying with her eccentric aunt. We laughed and drank and were both ravenous when we stepped off the SS Drunken Fools. I bought freshly shucked jumbo scallops from a fisherman on the docks and lured her to my abode with promises of the “best meal ever”. When I got to the pad I found a fridge loaded with only condiments and frozen bacon in the freezer. Desperation leads to innovation and in this case fornication. The bacon was crisp, the scallops succulent, the flavor in full effect. After eating my food, this college girl was down for just about anything. She did in fact beg for more and more and more. Only a cold-hearted bastard would deny her. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bacon, Bacon wrapped scallop recipe, bacon wrapped scallops, bang, booze cruise, college girl, crushed red pepper, delicious, easy, fisherman, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, jumbo scallops, kitchen, lime, mayonnaise, naked, recipe, romance, salt, scallops, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, southern, succulent, sun dried tomato, tasty, turkey bacon, veggie bacon, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 23, 2013
Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a stinky pinky, y’all!
Riding dirty is the Southern way. At least that is what I learned on my most recent visit to New Orleans. I befriended a Southern belle boozing it up with absinthe at a vampire bar down a dark alley. She did not believe that I was a master of disaster in the kitchen. So I took her challenge on the spot to go back to her place and fix up a meal with only what I found in their kitchen. This cutie with an even cuter accent was unprepared for the awesome assault I unleashed in her mouths and loins. I managed to make NEVER FLAKES CRAB CAKES (minus the mango), a simple salad and a SLOB ON MY KNOBBLER COBBLER with pears. My payment for all my efforts was a cocktail that I present to you. She called it a Pink Lady since she is after all genteel and demure. But the demure soon fizzled away by our fourth round. That’s when she showed me true hospitality in her boudoir. It was only after, while I sipped a lukewarm pink lady as she slumbered next to me that I understood the saying: “Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez.” Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | libation lubrication, RECIPES, southern | Tagged: absinthe, bang, banging, beverage, booze, boudoir, bourbon, challenge, champagne, cuties, date, delicious, demure, DIY, drink, drunk, easy, food, game changer, genteel, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, ice, intercourse, kitchen, Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez, libido, lime, Louisiana, naked, New Orleans, peach juice, pink lady cocktail recipe, recipe, riding dirty, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, southern belles, stinky pinky lady cocktail, tasty, vampire bar, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 8, 2013
The steaks are high. If we don’t bang, the world could exxxplode.
Upping the ante is the best way to take things from zero to banging. Like when the odds are against you in a hand of POKER, a little bluster counts for a lot. My process is to continually top my previous culinary efforts. Not only do my dates appreciate it, my skills improve more by the day. Go all in with your meal. They will swoon and you will collect that POKER BONUS. Meeting the expectation of cooking something nice isn’t enough for me. If it’s not exceptional enough to be remembered when they’re old and gray, I am doing something wrong. The Cook To Bang legacy must be etched into their sub-conscious and passed down through the generations like alcoholism. All food they taste after, even in Michelin 3 Star restaurants, should taste like sand flavored with sewage. Only then can I relax, a job well done. Sure I could have just made a salad, or drunkenly eat the leftover steak cold out of the fridge. But then I’d have to look at myself in the mirror knowing I was a disappointment to my family, friends, and even my pets. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, beef, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: 3 star restaurant, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, calivirgin, chop, delicious, disappointment, DIY, drunkenly, easy, expectation, field greens, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gray, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, leftover, libido, lime, Michelin, naked, old, olive oil, recipe, red onion, relax, rib eye steak, sand, seduce, SEDUCTION, sewage, sex, steak, steak salad recipe, tasty, tomatoes, toss, up the stakes, up the steaks salad, white wine vinegar, yummy, zero to banging | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 13, 2013
Give ’em a good talker before giving ’em a shocker!
You could almost call this the “shocker” of salads. There you are serving your date up some salad and they’ll assume it’s some sort of noodle salad. Ha! You will laugh uproariously when you inform them this gluten and low-carb salad ain’t got none of that noise. We’re talking healthy to the point of being almost impossible to fathom. How could a salad taste so freakishly awesome with a texture akin to licking an angel’s naught bits? Unfortunately for you, my lawyers have informed me that these are trade secrets. But I fought back and insisted in at least giving out the recipe to my readers. So COOK TO BANG in good health knowing that somewhere out there you have a digital chef wingman looking out for your baser needs. Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, atkins, fusion, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, atkins, avocado, bang, banging, cilantro, delicious, digital chef, DIY, easy, fathom, food, game changer, get laid, gluten-free, gourmet, green onion, greens, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, libido, lime, low-carb, naked, naughty bits, noodle salad, recipe, roast, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, soy sauce, spaghetti squash salad, spaghetti squash shocker salad recipe, tasty, the shocker, tomato, vegan, vegetarian, wingman, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 23, 2011
Forget the little blue pill. Try the big green melon!
Are you feeling weak-willed, pathetic and flaccid? You no longer have an excuse with this outstanding summer soup recipe. Studies have proven that the citrulline in WATERMELON triggers arginine, the chemical in Viagra that gets male pistons pumping. This soup will turbo charge your libido so you can take plenty of prisoners in the bedroom who won’t want to be released. Stockholm Syndrome will be in effect with the amount of good loving you will be dishing out in a soup bowl. Did I mention how refreshing chilled watermelon soup tastes, especially when you go for seconds after a particularly exhausting banging session? Now get yourself to the market and then blow your dates mind, body and soul. Boom-chicka-wah-wah! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, libation lubrication, RECIPES, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alcohol, aphrodisiac, arginine, bang, beta-carotene, butter, cancer-fighting, chilled, cialis, citrulline, club soda, delicious, DIY, easy, erectile dysfunction, flaccid, food, fruit, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, hot, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, limejuice, lycopene, melon, mint, naked, recipe, refreshing, sauté, seduce, seedless, sex, Stockholm syndrome, sugar, summer soup, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, Viagra, vodka, Watermelon soup recipe, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 15, 2011
Ginger ale never tasted so damn innapproprate!
I’m the first to admit that I’ve had relations with a fire crotch. Actually more than one. More than…uh, never mind! I may have a problem. All I see is red. I probably should see a shrink about this. The red menace of the Cold War ain’t got nothing on my compulsion for banging red heads. Maybe it’s something primal like I was a bull killed by a matador in a past life. Ole my ass! At least now I get that red instead of being teased and tormented before being slaughtered for the crowd’s delight. This refreshing and APHRODISIAC bombshell hits the spot and lures those gingers right in. Be warned that it’s a bitch cleaning up all the red hairs gingers leave behind. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, libation lubrication, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alcohol, alcoholic, aphrodisiac, bang, bombshell, booze, chasing ginger tail, club soda, delicious, DIY, drink, drunk, easy, fire crotch, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gingers, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, Homemade ginger ale recipe, homemade new york cream soda recipe, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, limejuice, mint leaves, naked, ny cream soda, raw cane sugar, recipe, red head, red-headed stepchild, seduce, sex, tasty, vanilla-infused vodka, vodka, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 