January 11, 2016
Dream a little obscene dream
I dream a little dream every day. My dreams do not consist of me running in a field of daffodils holding hands with my pure-as-virgin-snow fiancé. There is no discussion of curtain rods and where to hang the menacing portrait of her father in our bedroom so he can watch us “make grandchildren”. That is another man’s dream that I find boringly obscene. My dreams are of the social derelict variety. They are filled with morally questionable fluids that get all over the bed, walls and playtime companions’ faces. The soundtrack consists of gasps, moans, and cracks from my flat hand connecting with firm backsides. You could hook my brain up to your DVR and I’d single-handedly put Skinemax out of business. My lawyers are already in discussion with Time Warner, but it comes down how many private islands I will receive stocked with island girls…coming soon to a living room near you. Perverted as I am, I’m also a glutton in my dreams. And this Chinese style scallop recipe came out of one such decadent dream. Enjoy these nocturnal emissions on your plate! Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, celery, china, Chinese, cinemax, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, fiancé, food, game changer, gasps, get laid, ginger, glutton, gourmet, grandchildren, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, island girls, kitchen, libido, lime, moans, naked, nocturnal emissions, obscene tangerine dream scallops recipe, oyster sauce, recipe, red bell pepper, scallops, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, Skinemax, social derelict, soy sauce, spicy, Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce, tangerine, tangerine scallops recipe, tasty, tivo, vegetable oil, virgin, vitamin c, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
January 1, 2016
Detox so you can always get your rocks off
Cooking to Bang can often lead to some nasty habits like drinking, fornicating and eating after midnight. Some scientists claim that indulging your every whim can be harmful to your health. Bully to that. But just in case you are seek a cleansing, Cook To Bang has something silky smooth for the sinner in all of us. Think of this soup as an elixir that can grant you eternal innocence. Every unspeakable carnal act you performed in the heat of the moment shall be absolved by the soup’s all-forgiving nutrients. Allow the garlic and cayenne pepper to clear your sinuses and conscience. The broccoli and cauliflower will mainline you with calcium and scoop out cancer-causing gunk holding your prowess back. Lastly the lemon will wash away the sins leaving your body and soul shiny like it went through the car wash. You’re good to go. Have fun abusing yourself and we’ll see you again soon. Next! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, spicy, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, broccoli, Broccoli soup recipe, cauliflower, cayenne pepper, chicken broth, cleanse, cleansing, decongestion, delicious, detox broccoli soup recipe, detox soup recipe, detoxification, easy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy soup, heart healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, intercourse, juice, kitchen, leek, master cleanse, naked, olive oil, puree, recipe, salt, sex, spicy, spicy broccoli soup recipe, tasty, wash away sins, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 18, 2015
There's room for one more, three's never a crowd.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have a hard time saying no to a three-way. Even if that just means three-sided tofu treats, I’m down. So many good things come in threes. Comedy gold is done in trifecta. My favorite nights of carnal connections involved a third party. Clearly three is company and never a crowd. And what better way to ignite such an evening of exploration and fornication than with some edible treats? These tofu triangles are classy, sassy and won’t leave you gassy. Plus you can appeal to the free loving hippie in all of us by serving tofu. A little curiosity never hurt no one no how! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, asian, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, hippie, Japanese, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, bi-curious, carnal connections, classy, delicious, DIY, easy, exploration, fish sauce, food, free-loving, fried tofu recipe, fry, game changer, gassy, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hippie, homemade, intercourse, jalapeño, kitchen, libido, lime, marinate, ménage à trois, naked, orgy, recipe, sassy, sauce, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame seeds, sex, soy sauce, tasty, three-way, threesome, tofu, trifecta, vegan, vegetable oil, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 14, 2015
Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows
You can almost hear the steel drums and kinky Reggae when you slurp this sexy take on a Caribbean classic. It takes a little work to harness the flavors, but trust me when I say it’s well worth the time (hint hint). Shrimp mango bisque is both nutritious and loaded with aphrodisiacs that will put you on the path to gratification. The sweet taste of mango compliments the spices; the shrimp are just begging to soak in the sweet and spicy flavor bursts. My first encounter with this dish was at Club Med in Turks and Caicos as a child rather clueless as to why the adults danced so closely together after a downing a bowl. Perversity and ingenuity have since led me to honing the recipe to what you see before you. SMACK MY BISQUE UP has become a reliable go to dish that brings that Caribbean sunshine to my kitchen and bedroom even in the dead of winter. Go on, make Bob Marley proud!
Read the rest of this entry »
6 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Caribbean, fusion, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, bisque, bob Marley, Caribbean, chili, cilantro, delicious, easy, flavor, from scratch, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, island, kinky, kitchen, mango, naked, onion, paprika, peppers, plantain, post-coital, romance, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, Shrimp mango bisque, soup, spicy, turmeric, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 7, 2015
It's the happiest ending on Earth!
You want happy ending? You got happy ending. No ending will be quite so happy as the one that follows this meal. If you can’t get laid with mussels and wine, you will never get laid…with this date. Move on. Your pheromones must be reeking of something close to a hippo’s ass if this dish fails to land you in bed. Steamed APHRODISIACS incarnate swimming in a broth of spicy awesomeness will unleash the alpha instinct left dormant by society’s deprogramming. Embrace the power endowed in you and take what is yours. The secret to steamed mussels success is that they are simple to make. But your date doesn’t need to know that. All they should be aware of is that this dish looks, smells and tastes impressive. Think of this dish like some Eurasian rock star that defies classification unless you are classifying something as ethereal. Now get out there and pretend cooking these mussels is worthy of a Nobel Prize! I already received my prize…in the bottom of a box of cereal. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bang, Belgium, brown sugar, cilantro, coconut milk, curry paste, delicious, DIY, easy, entree, Eurasian, finger food, fish sauce, french, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, happy ending, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leek, limejuice, moules frites, naked, nobel prize, olive oil, protein, recipe, rock star, seafood, seduce, sex, shellfish, spicy mussels, steamed mussels recipe, tasty, thai, thai mussels, Thai spiced steamed mussels recipe, Thailand, tomato, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 30, 2015
The plantain train is leaving the station with or without you!
All aboard! This party train is headed for your Caribbean culinary connection. Expect steel drums, tropical breezes and dreadlocks. When you aren’t shaking your booty to some live reggae, you can stuff your face with this CARBOLUSCIOUS treats. The banana’s larger, oven-friendly cousin will capture the island spirit. Baking it makes it a guilt-free snack or compliment to your ENTRÉE. Plantains are inexpensive, robust and totally awesome. Your date won’t expect such a delicious twist. Now do as Bob Marley commands and get with the kinky reggae now! Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
November 18, 2015
Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella’s, but with way more umph!
Halloween is upon us. Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined. Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite for destruction. Unspeakable acts of mayhem and perversion have occurred on my Halloween watch. The fact I don’t remember much of it seems beside the point. The pretentious side of me finds the whole transformation thing very Kafka, while the idiotic derelict in me just thinks it’s a great excuse become reckless. So I always apply this theory to my pumpkins each year. My Halloween tradition is to purchase two pumpkins, one to carve into sarcastic social commentary, and the other less pretty pumpkin I demand for free becomes something delicious. So I pimped my pumpkin into a soup with Thai-style flavor. The lucky lady who joined me for the jack-off-lantern carving party did agree and demonstrated her appreciation the old fashioned way…orally.
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITOS
Ingredients (for six):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 4 cups chicken stock (use vegetable stock to make vegan)
3. 2 cups coconut milk
4. 2-3 lb pumpkin
5. Salt at your discretion
6. 1 teaspoon dried lemongrass
7. 1 onion chopped coarsely
8. 1 small handful of freshly sliced GINGER
9. Lime wedges to squeeze into soup
Step 1
Cut the ends off the pumpkin, skin it, slice in half, scoop out the seeds and gunk, and slice into chunks.
Step 2
Sauté the ginger and onions with 1 tbsp of olive oil, spicing it with lemongrass (approx 5 min). Add the pumpkin, throw in the remaining olive oil and sauté until the pumpkins soften (approx 7 min).
Step 3
Add the stock and bring to a boil. Turn the heat down low and simmer (approx 35 min). Puree the soup, add the coconut milk, and heat through. Squeeze some lime into each bowl you ladle up.
Serve up this with some Thai NOODLES and you’re sure to have a happy ending.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, spicy, thai, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetite for destruction, bang, banging, calivirgin, chicken stock, coconut milk, delicious, DIY, easy, fall, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, Halloween, harvest, homemade, intercourse, jack-o-lantern, jack-off-lantern, kafka, kitchen, lemongrass, libido, limejuice, mayhem, naked, olive oil, onion, perversion, pimpin’ pumpkin soup recipe, puree, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, spicy, tasty, thai, thai style pumpkin soup recipe, Thailand, transformation, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 1, 2015
Poonchiladas = Poonany – Math To Bang
I can’t go a week without banging out a new perverse recipe for Mexican food. There is something so comforting and snuggly about the ability of food South of the border (US, obv) to put an ear-to-ear grin on my face. It’s an instant crowd pleasure from a party full of dudes obsessively watching the playoffs to the sexy number you share a quiet Thursday evening with the lights down low. The best part is Mexican grub like these Poonchiladas are so easy to make that a jellyfish with a blindfold pull it off. True story. My arm is still throbbing from being stung, but the jellyfish’s was out of sight. No matter what nature show hosts might tell you, jellyfish sex is not that kinky. So what are you waiting for? If a invertebrate with only tentacles can pull off Poonchiladas, then certain you can CTB with this dish. Right? Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, bar food, black olives, blindfold, cheddar cheese, Chicano, chicken enchiladas recipe, comfort food, corn tortillas, crowd pleaser, delicious, DIY, easy, enchilada, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, invertebrate, jack cheese, jellyfish, kinky sex, kitchen, lemon, libido, mexican, mexico, naked, nature show host, NBA playoffs, NHL playoffs, olive oil, playoffs, poonchiladas recipe, recipe, red enchilada sauce, salt, seduce, sex, shredded Mexican cheese, simple chicken enchiladas recipe, skinless chicken breast, tailgate, tailgating, tasty, turn the light down low, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 9, 2015
Mamacita Carnitas will make you bang like cheetahs
Hey hey Mamacita!
So glad to meet ya!
Come over, I’ll treat ya
So sit and down eat, yah?
Mexican food brings me much joy and comfort. Somehow I don’t feel unique for that. Pretty much every date I’ve served sumptuous South of the border nibbles responds in kind. The hot like a cheetah mamacita just comes out. It’s on at that point with no turning back. You can’t close Pandora’s box of bodacious body bumping. So heed my disclaimer: Unimaginable pleasure will result from whipping these carnitas up. Those with whack taste buds and distaste for debauchery should probably find a new recipe site. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, brown sugar, carnitas recipe, cayenne pepper, chicken breast, chicken carnitas recipe, cilantro, corn tortillas, debauchery, delicious, details magazine, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, mamacita carnitas, mexican, mexico, naked, onion, orange, Pandora’s box, paul kahan, pork, pork butt, poultry, recipe, salsa, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chili, sex, south of the border, spicy, tasty, tomatillo salsa, vegetable oil, water, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 5, 2015
Dont be a prick-ly pear.
All earthly creatures do it in their own way. Giraffes do it standing up, their long necks intertwined. Male spider monkeys will grab their female partner mid-air, hump them, and release before they even hit the ground. Humans have all kinds of mating rituals from courting over food, to bringing in toys to “bring the spark back”, to discussing the relationship ad nausea post-coital. And within the human genus, we have countless subsets of this behavior. We are an odd species to be sure. Aliens who enslave us two decades from now will be hard-pressed to figure out how to get us to toil away on the Vectarion reactors. I’ll make it simple for them: give us food and let us bang. We’ll take it from there, Remulox. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, fusion, healthy, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alien conquerors, aliens, bang, banging, blend, cactus, cilantro, condiment, condom-ments, delicious, discussing the relationship, DIY, easy, food, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, giraffe, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, human genus, intercourse, jalapeños, kitchen, libido, lime, mating rituals, mexican, mexico, naked, nopales, post-coital, prickly pear, recipe, remulox, salsa, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sex toys, sexual practice, sexual practice cactus salsa, spicy, spider monkeys, tasty, vectarion reactor, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 