December 4, 2009
Go ahead. Cop a feel.
Ever woken up next to someone WAY out of your league? Last night is a blur, you’re unsure of this hottie’s name, and you’re wondering if your benefactor is Make A Wish Foundation. However you got here is irrelevant should you wish to see this stone-cold sexpot after they walk out your door. Sure if it was another skank you assured your friends, “I know. It’s been a while. But seriously, dude, I know!” you wouldn’t bother with an Eggo waffle. But on rare occasions where your lucky ass hits the hookup jackpot, you need to bring your morning A-game. This is one such meal memorable enough to get a repeat or three-peat or possibly a repeat with a three-peat of conquests. Just ask the ballerina I’m told I picked up at a black tie Art Gala I crashed. Pictures of the two of us in the BG behind celebrities smiling like douches confirms the story, but you could have told me I saved her from a crazy Sheik’s harem and I’d take your word for it. This girl was in a hurry, presumably to pirouette across some stage, so I had to hook her up on the quick. The cabbage cups made one hell of a carb-light wrap for my tiny dancer to chow on the go. Later on it was she who called me and texted me and facebooked me and…Chill, homegirl! This dish may just be too effective.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Fresh OJ or BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 intact cabbage cups
2. 1 dash paprika
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 dash salt
5. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
6. 1 handful fresh spinach
7. SIMPLY SEXY SALSA
8. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
9. 2 sausages (pork/chicken/veggie) sliced thinly
10. 3 eggs
Step 1
Crack the eggs and whisk them together with the salt, black pepper and paprika.
Step 2
Sauté the sausage with olive oil until they brown on both sides (approx 3 min). Mix in the spinach and sauté until it wilts (approx 2 min). Pour in the egg mixture and scramble like a champ (approx 2 min).
Step 3
Scoop half of the eggs in each cabbage cup. Crown with avocado and salsa.
The odds of stopping this BREAKFAST from sealing the seduction package deal are not good.
Leave a Comment » | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, fusion, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: a-game, aphrodisiac, art gala, atkins, avocado, ballerina, bang, banging, black pepper, breakfast, breakfast burrito, cabbage cups, calivirgin, celebrities, delicious, DIY, double e-cup mornings, douches, easy, egg lettuce cups recipe, eggo waffle, eggs, facebook, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, harem, healthy, homegirl, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, make a wish foundation, morning, naked, olive oil, paprika, pirouette, recipe, repeat, salsa, salt, sausage, sauté, scramble, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sexpot, sheik, spinach, tasty, threepeat, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
December 3, 2009
Each noodle is a thread of attraction sliding down their throat into their hearts.
Pasta was my love long before I appreciated the finer foods. From the get-go, I slarped down cans of Chef Boyardee pasta letters, crazy for carbs. You can imagine my frustration over the Atkins zombies ruining food for the rest of us. They don’t understand the rudimentary equation for health: balance of diet and exercise. Therefore their unhealthy dismissal of carbohydrates, the item most essential to early civilization development, makes the pasta pimp in me prep my hand for a bitch-slap. Pasta gets me off. It’s that simple. I need hearty fuel to keep me charging ahead when it’s cold and miserable outside. How else am I going to keep myself charging through the day and make it through to another exhausting evening of cooking to bang? There are too many hearts to break to get weak and mopey due to lack of premium gas pasta power. Your date will be equally stoked for the hearty comfort…unless they are an Atkins freak. Those folks are more likely to smothers their bun-free burger in cow’s blood and howl at the full moon. FYI- Werewolves are hot in the sack, but my doctor says the claw marks dug into my back will probably scar. Let this be a warning to Cook To Bang’s Team Jacob readers.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka! Lots of it.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 28-OZ can of crushed tomatoes
3. 1 kale bunch
4. 1 radish bunch with stalks/leaves
5. 1 tsp parsley flakes
6. 2 dashes salt
7. 2 sausages chopped into bite-sized pieces
8. Parmesan to taste
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. ½ lb whole wheat spaghetti
Step 1
While the spaghetti boils, complete steps 2 & 3. Once al dente, drain and mix in the complete sauce and crown with Parmesan, as you like.
Step 2
Wash the radishes, chopping the stocks and leaves into smaller pieces. Cut off the ends of the radish and slice into bite-sized rounds. Wash the kale too and cut into smaller pieces.
Step 3
Sauté the garlic and radishes in a stockpot until they soften (approx 5 min). Add the radish leaves and kale and cook until they wilt like spinach (approx 3 min). Push the sautéed veggies to one side and sauté the sausages until they brown (approx 3 min). Pour in the tomato can, using a blunt object to pulverize them even further. Spice the sauce with salt and parsley flakes, slow simmer until the pasta is ready, and then go back to Step 1.
This heartiest of hearty pastas goes great with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD. More carbs, yay!
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES | Tagged: al dente, atkins, balance, bang, banging, bitch-slap, break your hearty pasta, calivirgin, carbohydrates, carbs, chef Boyardee, claw marks, crushed tomatoes, delicious, diet, DIY, early civilization, easy, exercise, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hearty, hearty pasta recipe, homemade, intercourse, italian, kale, kitchen, libido, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, parmesan, parsley, pasta pimp, premium gas, radishes, recipe, salt, sausage, sauté, scar, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, team Edward, team Jacob, twilight, werewolves, whole wheat spaghetti, yummy, zombies | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 18, 2009
Breakfast totally gets me hard
Breakfast just gets my juices flowing if you catch my drift. And it’s not just because of morning wood. Eating something delicious and nourishing in the cold, dark hours of a new day puts in a good place. It’s not unlike morning sex. The combination of the two sends me to work with a bounce in my step that no micromanaging boss could take away. So when captain douche bag stops by your cubicle to ask how that report is coming along, you can look them in the eye, smile and say, “I’m right on top of that.” What you’re really thinking is, “I spent my morning humping, pumping and then munching, so suck it, boss man.” Now get on with your day because you have a night of cooking and banging to look forward to while your boss will go home to cry into a bowl of soggy Cheerios.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Free squeezed OJ or NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash paprika
2. 1 dash garlic salt
3. 2 massive handfuls chard
4. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
5. 4 eggs
6. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 2 bacon strips
Step 1
Chop the bacon into nibbles. Wash the chard and chop.
Step 2
Beat the eggs with garlic salt and paprika.
Step 3
Fry the bacon in the olive oil until crispy. Throw in the chard and cook down (approx 2 min). pour in the eggs and ever so slowly scramble so they form in slabs of eggy goodness. Top it off avocado slices and prepare for liftoff.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bacon, bang, banging, boss, breakfast, calivirgin, chard, chard on eggs recipe, chard scrambled eggs, cheerios, cubicle, delicious, DIY, douche bag, easy, eggs, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, low fat, micromanaging, morning sex, MORNING WOOD, naked, nourishing, olive oil, paprika, recipe, scramble, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 9, 2009
Squash all resistance to your charms!
Some knucklehead who probably hasn’t seen a naked woman since his subscription to National Geographic ran out told me squash ain’t sexy. Granted it doesn’t pack the same luscious sex appeal as an oyster or fig, but damnit, squash has gotten me laid plenty of times. Squash is the perfect fall ingredient to prep you for the cold winter that lies ahead. They are inexpensive, tasty and versatile as a bisexual Cirque du Soleil performer. My problem is that I keep going back to my classic squash dishes. But you gotta break out of routine, no matter how awesome that routine might be, if you hope to attain glory. This little Frankenstein’s monster brought honor to my family; my reputation as a lady-slayer stands untarnished. It was spicy, sweet and comforting all at the same time. My one caution is that this side dish very well may outclass the rest of your meal. So cook with bravado!
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Hot Cider with a splash of bourbon
Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 apple
2. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
3. 1 dash salt
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
6. 3 petit pan squash
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2 large handfuls shredded mozzarella
9. 3 garlic cloves sliced thinly
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice the ends off the globe squash and cut into thin rounds. Do the same for the petit pan squash. Toss the squash with the garlic, olive oil, cayenne pepper and salt. Lay them out in a large flat baking pan.
Step 2
Core and slice up the apple into thin slices. Lay them evenly over the squash and season with cinnamon. Scatter the cheese across evenly and you’re ready to rumble.
Step 3
Throw the casserole in the oven and bake until the apples and squash soften, and the cheese melts (approx 30 min).
Serve as a kickass side to any number of outstanding ENTRÉES. You could eat it solo, it’s that good.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, southern, spicy, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple, bake, bang, banging, bisexual, bravado, calivirgin, casserole, cayenne pepper, cheese, cinnamon, cirque du soleil, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frankenstein’s monster, game changer, garlic, get laid, globe squash, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mozzarella, naked, naked woman, national geographic, olive oil, petit pan squash, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, spicy squash casserole, squash, squashtacular, tasty, toss, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 3, 2009
Antioxidize your sexual frustration!
I am most inclined to bang in the morning. My attention is, shall we say, piqued? Not sure if has to do with the fact I’m well rested of that my dreams are so goddamn sexy that I turn myself on. Considering my dreams are essentially Red Shoe Diaries episodes minus David Duchovny, I’d go with the latter. When I have company come morning time, then the whirlwind of screams, moans and panting expressions of gratitude before and after breakfast are assured. But there are occasions when I wake up alone, hungry for something that is not there. Wondering what I do during those moments of frustration? I forego the desire to go postal and channel my energy into a badass breakfast that will get my brain charged and inspired to not repeat another sexless morning. This little treat was concocted and it satisfied most of my needs. This weekend I remade this breakfast delight for my late night Halloween guest before homegirl did the walk of shame dressed like a slutty ice cream cone. Could you blame me for going for the girl dressed like food? I do after all, Cook to Bang…or in this case, lick to bang.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 2 sausages cut in bite-sized pieces
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 3 eggs
6. ½ pomegranate worth of seeds
7. 1 handful shredded jack cheese
8. ½ onion chopped coarsely
Step 1
Beat the eggs with salt, pepper and half the pomegranate seeds. CLICK HERE if you want to know the trick to getting removing the seeds.
Step 2
Sauté the onions and sausage with the olive oil. Pour in the eggs mixture and scramble like a champ. Turn off the heat, throw the cheese over the top and cover until the cheese melts (approx 2 min). Scatter shot the remaining pomegranate seeds and serve.
Serve this classy, antioxidant breakfast with some SWEET ASS-BROWNS or FORBIDDEN FRUIT SALAD.
Leave a Comment » | fusion, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: badass, bang, banging, black pepper, breakfast, calivirgin, dairy, david duchovny, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, going postal, gourmet, guarantee, Halloween, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, libido, morning, naked, olive oil, onion, pomegranate, pomegranate scramble recipe, pomegratify your morning desires recipe, recipe, red shoe diaries, salt, sausage, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sexless, slutty ice cream cone, tasty, walk of shame, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 27, 2009
Pesto will get the best-o the closet hos.
I was baffled when I received numerous queries from readers who’ve never used or even tasted pesto. First I shed a tear for them, heartbroken they’ve gone through life without the green APHRODISIAC potion. But after my bleeding heart was drained of all liquid and empathy, I resolved to lead those lost souls to the promise land. There is no substitute for homemade pesto…maybe homemade pesto brought into the bedroom for Culinarylingus. This will take your culinary seduction game to a new level. I hope you’re ready to leap onto the highway to the endangered zone. “Why endangered?” you ask. Because ecstatic feelings brought on by a combo of the bliss on your tongue inspiring your date’s tongue to give you even more bliss. Call the World Wildlife Federation because we have solved this crisis. Now go forth and multiply multiple orgasms!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what amazing feasts you rock with it
Ingredients:
1. 3 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 large BASIL bunch
3. 4 garlic cloves sliced thinly
4. 1 large handful raw PINE NUTS
5. 1 large handful parmesan cheese
Step 1
First pluck all the basil leaves, discarding any that have wilted. Wash them off and chop them coarsely.
Step 2
Using a blender, hand-blender or food processor (pictured), combine the garlic, pine nuts, parmesan and olive oil and puree them. Make sure it all blended together and add the basil, pureeing once more so you have some radioactive green pesto to go to town with.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, bleeding heart, calivirgin, condom-ment, crisis, culinarylingus, delicious, DIY, easy, empathy, endangered zone, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, homemade pesto recipe, intercourse, kitchen, libido, multiple orgasms, naked, olive oil, parmesan cheese, pine nuts, puree, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, undress yo pesto recipe, world wildlife federation, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 23, 2009
Double trouble looking for a piece of that bubble!
You know the deal. Society tells us to behave, to color within the lines, to speak when spoken to. That’s all well and good if you’re a eunuch. But what about those of us with a spine flowing with spunk? We’re not just going to lie down and endure our master’s cruel, but fair beatings for stepping out of line. No bloody way! We are our own masters and being as such, we color way outside the lines and even off the page. That’s why we Cook to Bang and not Cook to Cuddle. So whose to say a tofu stir-fry has to marinate in apologetic afterthought? Why not be bold with that palette so it grabs your date’s collar and shake them, screaming, “I’m an interesting person!” Glad you see it my way. Now stir up some trouble with that healthy meal of yours.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Kombucha or some dank, heady beer, bra
Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 tbsp peanut butter
3. 1 tbsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
5. ½ onion chopped coarsely
6. 1 handful parsley chopped coarsely
7. 1 tofu block
8. ½ lime quartered
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
Step 1
Cut the tofu block into bite-sized pieces. Toss with soy sauce, Sriracha and limejuice and marinate (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the garlic and onions in olive oil until they become translucent (approx 3 min). Add the peanut butter and stir until in melts into the onion. Throw in the tofu with the marinade and sauté along with the parsley until the tofu softens (approx 5 min).
Squeeze limejuice over it and serve solo or with some RICE.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, fusion, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bloody, calivirgin, chili sauce, cook to cuddle, cruel, delicious, DIY, easy, eunuch, fast, flavor, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hippie, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, marinate, naked, olive oil, onion, parsley, peanut butter, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, spicy, sriracha, stir fry, tasty, tofu, tofu stir-fry recipe, vegan, vegetarian, veggie, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 12, 2009
Peep perfect pineapples preferably perpetually!
That’s right. I’m peeping your pineapples. Is that a problem? Am I offending you by leering? I can’t help it if them apples are all that and bag of lettuce…that happens to be in my hand. I come correct when it comes to lunchtime fare. This is the perfect lunch you finally make Saturday afternoon after spending the whole morning nursing a hangover and an extended orgasm. Then again, it makes a pretty bodaciously badass dinner salad to serve with a light ENTRÉE. With greens, meats and fruit this good together, I’m sure you can let my lecherous ways slide just this once. And while we’re on the subject of sliding, slide on over this way so we can slip slide the night away. As a delicious side note: pineapple makes certain male fluids taste better. Just looking for the ladies (and a the fab fellas) with oral fixations.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: PANTY DROPPING SHANDY
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 tsp red wine vinegar
2. 3 tbsp BBQ sauce
3. ½ tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 2 handfuls lettuce coarsely chopped
5. 2 handfuls pineapple cubed
6. 1 handful mozzarella shredded
7. 2 chicken breasts
8. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
Step 1
Create the dressing by pureeing 1 small handful of pineapple, red wine vinegar, olive oil, and BBQ sauce.
Step 2
Marinate the chicken with half the green onions and the BBQ sauce. Grill the chicken through with all of the BBQ marinade, flipping once (approx 2 min per side). Chop the chicken into bite-sized pieces.
Step 3
Assemble the lettuce, pineapple, green onions, chopped chicken and toss your salad with the dressing.
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: bang, banging, bbq chicken salad, bbq sauce, bodacious, calivirgin, chicken, chicken out your pineapples salad, citrus, cum, delicious, dinner salad, DIY, easy, fab, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, hangover, Hawaii, Hawaiian, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leering, lettuce, libido, lunch, male fluids, mozzarella, naked, olive oil, oral fixation, orgasm, peeping, pineapple, pineapple chicken salad recipe, recipe, red wine vinegar, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slide, tasty, white meat, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 11, 2009
The stuffed pepper party train has left the station!
It’s time to throw down! The week ain’t over yet, but you’re leady to let the dogs out. Woof to the M-F’ing woof! I suggest you get funky in the kitchen rather than unleash potentially rabid beasts onto the populace. Sure it may not be as thrilling as sending cooped up canines out into your neighborhood to attack mailmen and Xanaxed housewives alike. You will however avoid a lawsuit and a stern warning from animal control. Why not invite someone sexy over for a little party for two instead? What better way to do that than with bell peppers, chicken and apples? I do declare you are both in for a treat! Once you guys stuff yourselves with these aphrodisiac-stuffed peppers, it’s time for someone to get stuffed. Don’t be surprised if those same dogs howl along with as you both scream pleasurable expletives into the night. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, SEDUCTION | Tagged: animal control, aphrodisiac, apple, bake, bang, banging, basil, calivirgin, canine, chicken apples stuffed bell peppers, chicken breast, delicious, DIY, dogs, easy, food, game changer, get laid, get stuffed, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, housewives, howl, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, lawsuit, libido, mailmen, naked, olive oil, pine nuts, recipe, red bell pepper, red wine vinegar, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, Stuffed bell pepper recipe, stuffed pepper party, tasty, who let the dogs out?, woof, xanax, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (serves 2):
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 