July 24, 2015
The ancient fable spoke of a golden era of cooking and banging.
Read through the footnotes of the Kama Sutra and you will learn about a mysterious dish with incomparable sexual power. This dish had not been created then, but was predicted by a great Indian psychic. I took the liberty of deciphering the ancient Sanskrit because I am a power hungry sociopath. My goal was to control the opposite sex’s minds. So far so good. I can get my stable to sit, fetch and bend over. Good girls! The simplicity of grilled fish and a salad makes this one of the easiest methods of keeping someone you want to bang under your spell. Now I pass along this fabled recipe to you. Grill with God! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, summer | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, coals, delicious, dill, DIY, easy, fable, fables maple salmon recipe, fast, fish, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, grill with god, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kama sutra, kitchen, libido, naked, recipe, Sanskrit, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sociopath, summer, tasty, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
July 22, 2015
Foux da fafa all the way to the bedroom!
You gotta hand it to the French. No one pulls off being a bunch of fancy bitches quite like them. You’ll look like a goddamn pansy if you try to replicate without the accent. But for some reason they can act ass all sissy la la and it’s totally acceptable. So when it comes to cooking French-style cuisine, I always speak in a ridiculous accent, wear a beret, and engage in all things French: French fries, French kisses, French ticklers. Ca va? Tres bonne. Ca va et toi? Breakfast will never be the same once Frenchy McFrenchface comes to play. Read the rest of this entry »
8 Comments | dairy, french, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: accent, bacon, bang, banging, beret, breakfast, brie cheese, ca va, calivirgin, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, fancy bitches, food, France, french, French kisses, French style eggs, French ticklers, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, morning, naked, olive oil, ooh le le breakfast, pansy, recipe, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spinach, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 20, 2015
Celebrate Cinco de Mayo with cinco sessions de bango!
The time has come my friends to celebrate the Mexican army’s triumph over France in 1852! Those of you who think today is Mexican Independence Day need to drop the Corona and sober up. You see, nothing says raw sex appeal like Mexican military history. No doubt we will all focus on the strategic importance of this victory rather than get piss drunk on tequila and stuff our mouths with all manner of FINGER FOODS. But if you must indulge in the tomfoolery of celebrating Mexican culture, drink with style. The sexy senoritas and senors will respond more favorably to a beverage of this caliber than to a margarita made from that acidic pre-mix and bad tequila. Now make like a Mexican jumping bean and dance around that sombrero. Ole! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | fusion, libation lubrication, mexican, RECIPES | Tagged: 1852, alcohol, alcoholic, bang, Bangarita, beer, beverage, booze, boozy, cinco de mayo, corona, delicious, DIY, drink, drunk, easy, foo, France, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, history, homemade, ice, intercourse, kitchen, libation librication, lime, liquor, mango margarita recipe, mango nectar, mangorita recipe, margarita, mexican, Mexican independence day, mexico, military, mint leaves, naked, raw cane sugar, recipe, sauced, seduce, senoritas, senors, sex, sex appeal, silver tequila, tasty, triple sec, vodka, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 17, 2015
The broc shall defrock!
This recipe comes courtesy of James in Portland, OR. Here’s to starting off the summer right with a unique summer grill recipe! James writes:
Something about those summer thrills gives me the chills. Sure you’re sweating your balls off and stuffing your face with something hot. But this recipe is so damn cool it makes you feel all refreshed because it’s still healthy and damn tasty! My mama always told me broccoli would make me live forever. Who know if that is true? One thing I can say with certainty, I’m gonna Cook To Bang forever! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, contests, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, bbq, bbq broccoli, broccoli head, chills, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grill, grilled thrills broccoli, grillin' like a villain, ground pepper, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lemon vegan, libido, naked, olive oil, Oregon, pine nuts, Portland, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, summer, tasty, tinfoil, vegetarian, yum, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 16, 2015
Don’t be an octopussy. Eat the goddamn salad!
Don’t mess with Octopussy. That girl has Bond and every other man wrapped around her fingers, eight to be exact. But that was before she went through the Bond rotation. Octopussy never recovered once he cast her aside for the next tramp that could crush his spine with her thighs. That’s where I came in. She needed a rebound and I was generous to provide my body for that purpose. All I had to do was sneak into her floating palace past her army of trained female bodyguards with a bag full of groceries. You may assume that I am trained with the ability to scale walls and hold my breath underwater for over an hour. But all I have is my charisma and disarming sense of humor. So I subdued the Octopussy cult army with cooking anecdotes and they took me to their leader. It was tempting to just engage in a massive orgy with her trained killers, but my mission was to Cook To Bang Octopussy. Homegirl gave me 10 minutes to impress her or I would be fed to her bloodthirsty manatees. That was just enough time to fix up this salad and present it to Octopussy. One bite and she was hooked. We banged until her ego was restored. And like a good villainess, she kicked me out of bed right after and went back to work on her world domination plot. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: assassins, bang, basil, bloodthirsty, bond girl, brown sugar, charred octopus recipe, Charred octopus salad recipe, cherry tomatoes, crushed red pepper, delicious, DIY, easy, female army, fish sauce, floating palace, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green, guarantee, healthy, homemade, Ian Fleming, intercourse, james bond, kitchen, lemon juice, lettuce, manatee, mango, naked, octopus, octopus salad, octopussy, olive oil, recipe, salad, seduce, sex, tasty, villainess, world domination, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 14, 2015
I see you poking around my business. You could at least buy me dinner first. Or better yet, cook for me! Make me some Italian comfort food and I might just put out. No promises though. You still have to woo me. But just want to put it out there that poking my piccata is a possibility. Just play it cool and don’t act a fool. Behold this simplified and slightly healthier version of the chicken piccata that takes all of 20 minutes to whip up for who ever is down. This recipe was born after a particularly exhausting round of bedroom acrobatics that left my tantric trapeze partner and I famished. I recreated my favorite piccata dish from my childhood using repressed memories and innovation. Thank god for those frozen chicken breasts stuck to the bottom of my freezer. That protein boosted me back into top form for another round of aerial maneuvering around the bedroom. To this day, I have no idea why there are clowns and a lion tamer in my bedroom. I’m not THAT kinky! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, breadcrumbs, capers, chicken, chicken breast, chicken piccata, Chicken piccata recipe, chicken stock, delicious, dijon mustard, DIY, easy, flavor, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthier version, homemade, intercourse, italian, Italy, kitchen, lemon, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, paprika, parmesan cheese, parsley, pollo, poultry, quick, recipe, romantic, salt, seduce, sex, take to bed, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 10, 2015
Careful, for this is one sharp swordsman of the sea.
Alas, there is no escaping your fate. We shall duel at dawn’s first light. You wrote your destiny when you insulted my honor. By not partaking in the fine FINGER FOOD I prepared, nor acquiescing to my subtle seductions, I am forced to take things a might bit further. So I have upped the ante of our rendezvous with an unstoppable thrust of nature. This wicked weapon will pierce thy heart and expose thy loins. There is nothing thou can do to hold me back from my urge for triumphant trolloping. And to think my foes presume this dish to be anything but simple sensational seduction. En garde, I say! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, summer | Tagged: aprhodisiac, bang, bbq, chives, cracked pepper, delicious, DIY, duel, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, Grilled swordfish recipe, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, herbs, homemade, impale, intercourse, kitchen, lemon juice, lemon swordfish, libido, loins, marinate, naked, ocean, olive oil, recipe, salt, sea, seafood, seduce, sex, sword, swordfish, tasty, weapon, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 7, 2015
Sweet, spicy, totally macho.
I know what you’re thinking. How could a cold fruity summer soup be so macho? I’m glad you asked. The flavors don’t dance delicately like a ballerina upon your tongue. Fuck no! They river-dance to speed metal all over that tongue of yours with more flavors than you can shake your genitals at. Walls will bust open like the Kool-Aid Man’s back for revenge. Your date won’t wait for permission to ravish you. Mediterranean nymphs shan’t flutter, but grind into your ears with rubber mini-skirts. Does that answer your question? Read the rest of this entry »
4 Comments | fusion, healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, spicy, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, black pepper, cold soup, cucumber, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, italian, kitchen, kool-aid man, latin, libido, Mediterranean, mini-skirts, muy macho papaya gazpacho, naked, nymphs, olive oil, papaya, papaya gazpacho recipe, parsley, recipe, red onion, red wine vinegar, refreshing, river-dance, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, sourdough bread, speed metal, summer, tasty, tomato juice, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 3, 2015
American produce, love it or grill it!
America, fuck yeah! Can you feel the patriotism emanating off the computer screen and making your heart beet to the Star Spangled Banner. Even if you aren’t a tea-partying real patriot, you gotta love your country right about now. And if you don’t, God shall smite thee with ten billion pounds of fireworks. In all seriousness folks, I’m not denigrating diversity. But I will be drinking heavily, grilling gleefully, and fornicating under a gun-powdered scented sky. Here’s to a healthy holiday full of American excess. Another beet from the grill? Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, holidays, RECIPES, summer, vegetarian | Tagged: 4th of july, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, bbq, bbq beets recipe, beets, calivirgin, delicious, DIY, easy, fireworks, food, game changer, get laid, glenn beck, goat cheese, gourmet, grill, grilled beets recipe, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, olive oil, patriotism, recipe, red white and beets recipe, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, star spangled banner, summer, tasty, tea partying, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 1, 2015
When your date says “Oh!” you say “Yeah!”
Oh boy! Oh man! Oh god! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh (to NKTOB groove)! These are just some of the many reactions I have heard to making oatmeal CTB style. We’ve all eaten instant oatmeal, mostly during childhood, although some of us (my friends know who I speak of) still gobble that shit up. But what about the rest of whose taste buds haven’t matured beyond a 6-year-old, their fingers stained with Kool-Aid? Oatmeal can be something other than a bland exercise in self-restraint. But why not have the best of both worlds? Nutrition and flavor can still give each other lap dances with the right amount of TLC. And that’s what this recipe is all about. Here’s to the one sleeping in your bed who’s waking up to a big surprise. Expect them to be smiling like a donut. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bananas, bang, banging, boil, brown sugar, butter, cinnamon, delicious, DIY, easy, flavor, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gourmet oatmeal, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, instant oatmeal, intercourse, kitchen, kool-aid, lap dances, libido, melt, milk, mix, naked, new kids on the block, nktob, nutrition, o-face, o-faced oatmeal recipe, oats, oh-faced, raisins, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, smile like a donut, syrup, tasty, tlc, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 