September 27, 2010
Go Big Pimpin' or go home alone.
Sometimes you gotta big time your salads. Sure you could serve your date up a simple green salad. But unless you’re following it up with some bodacious entrée, that date of yours will lose interest long before dessert. And that’s if they don’t fall asleep face-first in your uninspired salad. That is why I went all big pimpin’ with this salad. The hot Chiquita bonita I had over wanted something slamming that would not be expanding her sexy backside. Aye yi, la Capitan! The result: our expectations (her appetite; my libido) were surpassed. I might as well have been drinking Chardonnay out of a pimp chalice with the Cook To Bang logo written in diamonds. Read the rest of this entry »
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aphrodisiac, Cajun, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, seafood, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, barbecue, bbq sauce, bbq seasoning, bbq shrimp salad recipe, big pimpin’ bbq shrimp salad, big pimping, big time, bodacious, calivirgin, chardonnay, Chiquita bonita, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, greens, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, libido, naked, olive oil, pimp chalice, recipe, red wine vinegar, salad, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, tasty, tomato, toss your salad, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
April 14, 2010
Naughty nursery rhyme time!
This little figgy went to the market (to buy ingredients and condoms)
This little figgy stayed home (and Cooked to Bang)
This little figgy had roast beef (curtains)
This little figgy had none (because he was cooking for a vegan)
And this little figgy went “Wee! Wee! Wee!” all the way home (bragging about the latest CTB conquest).
Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: akins, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, beat, breakfast, calivirgin, cook, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, figs, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, morning, MORNING WOOD, naked, nursery rhyme, olive oil, recipe, sausage, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, this little figgy eggs, this little piggy, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 18, 2010
Bango my mango? Yes please!
This Caribbean nod to all things breakfasty brought a smile to my face and the lucky recipient who was awoken by the smell. It was like an old Tom & Jerry cartoons where the scent literally drags sleeping Jerry out of safe slumbering mouse-hole. But instead of a cartoon mouse, picture a hot young thing dressed in nothing but her pride. Breakfast was served, Cook To Bang style. I swear I could hear the faint sound of steel drums as morning became afternoon in the comfort of my own bed.
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: MIMOSUCK IT
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 dash paprika
4. 3 eggs
5. 1/4 lb chicken minced
6. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
7. 1/2 mango cubed
8. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
Step 1
Beat the eggs with green onions and salt.
Step 2
Season the chicken with paprika. Heat up the oil on medium heat and brown the chicken.
Step 3
Throw in the mango chunks and pour in the beaten eggs. Scramble to your liking.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Caribbean, MORNING WOOD, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, beat, breakfast, calivirgin, carribean, cartoons, chicken, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Jamaican, kitchen, libido, mango, mango chicken scramble recipe, minced, morning sex, mouse-hole, naked, paprika, recipe, salt, scramble, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, steel drums, tasty, tom & jerry, vintage cartoon, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 15, 2010
Get in, get out, get back to the task at hand.
Are you keen on getting your date to stare at you with slack-jawed
amazement? Time is a wasting if you¹re awaiting my answer. Sometimes the
slow deliberate seduction isn¹t right for the ones keen on the quickie. Sure
it¹s rushed, but you still want to rock that shit and leave them wanting
more. The same goes for a quick on-the-go delight. Here you have a treat so
tasty, so quick, it will seem like a wet dream. At least that is the
discovery I made on tour. There I was in some hot Chiquita bonita¹s bed
hungry as can be. Leaving her pad would mean dressing, which would mean
undressing again, something not necessarily guaranteed with the girl I only
met 48 hours prior. So I had to be quick on my feet. This is what I made
from the goods in her fridge. I¹m guessing it worked since we didn¹t leave
her place again until days later when my friends did a search and rescue
mission. At that point, she almost didn¹t let go. Perhaps it¹s best I got
out before she started naming our kids. At least she¹ll always have the
misty water-colored Cook To Bang memories.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: BANGARITA
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 taco-sized corn tortillas
2. 1Ž2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
3. 1 tbsp butter
4. 1 tomato sliced thinly
5. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
6. 2 fat handfuls Gouda cheese chunks
Step 1
First assemble the quesadillas by laying a small layer of cheese, tomatoes,
green onions, avocado, and another layer of cheese.
Step 2
Use half the butter to grease a small pan cooking on medium heat. Add the
first quesadilla, cover it with the pot top, and cook until the cheese melts
(approx 3 min). Repeat with the second quesadilla and serve Œem up, champ!
This appetizer goes great with a little SIMPLY SEXY SALSA or GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE.
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: 48 hours, amazement, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, bonita, butter, Chiquita, corn tortillas, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, food, game changer, get laid, gouda cheese, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, open-faced, open-mouthed quesadilla, quesadilla, quickie, recipe, search and rescue, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tomato, tour, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 12, 2009
Peep perfect pineapples preferably perpetually!
That’s right. I’m peeping your pineapples. Is that a problem? Am I offending you by leering? I can’t help it if them apples are all that and bag of lettuce…that happens to be in my hand. I come correct when it comes to lunchtime fare. This is the perfect lunch you finally make Saturday afternoon after spending the whole morning nursing a hangover and an extended orgasm. Then again, it makes a pretty bodaciously badass dinner salad to serve with a light ENTRÉE. With greens, meats and fruit this good together, I’m sure you can let my lecherous ways slide just this once. And while we’re on the subject of sliding, slide on over this way so we can slip slide the night away. As a delicious side note: pineapple makes certain male fluids taste better. Just looking for the ladies (and a the fab fellas) with oral fixations.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: PANTY DROPPING SHANDY
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 tsp red wine vinegar
2. 3 tbsp BBQ sauce
3. ½ tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 2 handfuls lettuce coarsely chopped
5. 2 handfuls pineapple cubed
6. 1 handful mozzarella shredded
7. 2 chicken breasts
8. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
Step 1
Create the dressing by pureeing 1 small handful of pineapple, red wine vinegar, olive oil, and BBQ sauce.
Step 2
Marinate the chicken with half the green onions and the BBQ sauce. Grill the chicken through with all of the BBQ marinade, flipping once (approx 2 min per side). Chop the chicken into bite-sized pieces.
Step 3
Assemble the lettuce, pineapple, green onions, chopped chicken and toss your salad with the dressing.
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: bang, banging, bbq chicken salad, bbq sauce, bodacious, calivirgin, chicken, chicken out your pineapples salad, citrus, cum, delicious, dinner salad, DIY, easy, fab, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, hangover, Hawaii, Hawaiian, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leering, lettuce, libido, lunch, male fluids, mozzarella, naked, olive oil, oral fixation, orgasm, peeping, pineapple, pineapple chicken salad recipe, recipe, red wine vinegar, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slide, tasty, white meat, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 21, 2009
Can you fig it? Yes you can! Can we fig it? Yes we will!
As long as you can fig it, we can dig it! At least that’s what Eve told me when I crashed a party at the Garden of Eden. It was a pretty epic throw down with animals of paradise serving up all manner of hors d’oeuvres from the bountiful fruit found in the garden. God was DJ’ing, digging in his crate of music not-yet-invented to keep the party hopping. The best part was that everyone was naked, unaware that their hot bodies were meant to cause them shame. Adam was too busy discussing his odd mass of body hair around his pubic region with my wingman the snake to notice that I had led Eve away to fix her up some food of biblical awesomeness. I gathered all the goods throughout the garden and slapped it together. Did you know English muffins grew on trees before Original Sin? Eve was all about it and more than down to commit sins not yet documented. Post-coital, totally out of breath, Eve was hungry once more. I was on my way out, but my man the snake that just whooped Adam’s ass in a nectar-drinking contest, tossed her an apple as we vanished into history once more.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA or holy water (just add vodka)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise (or your favorite condom-ment)
2. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
3. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
4. 1 English muffin
5. 1 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
Step 1
Split the English muffin in half and toast it. Spread a little mayo or the condom-ment that gets you the wettest. Add green onion, tomato, avocado and crown it all with some kick ass figs.
Serve it up to your date and commence with some original sin!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vegetarian | Tagged: adam & eve, avocado, awesomeness, bang, banging, basil, bible, biblical, can you dig it?, delicious, DIY, dj, drinking contest, easy, English muffin, fig, Fig sandwich recipe, food, forbidden fruit, fruit, game changer, garden of Eden, get laid, god, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, hors d'oeuvres, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mayonnaise, naked, nectar, original sin, pubic hair, recipe, sandwich, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sinwich, snake, tasty, toast, tomato, veggies, wingman, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 4, 2009
Squish squash, let's get sauced!
This side dish is soft to the touch, yet crunchy in all the right places. As described, this does not sound like the hard-body of summer vegetable concoctions. But this dish could help you get that hard beach body all the cool kids seem to be having these days. This casserole is light, full of flavor and pack a wallop of flavor-filled fungasms. This particular dish was an experiment in how to cook summer squash besides on the grill. A tough act to follow. It provided great company for the grilled chicken I served to this annoying date. The date was a bust, but luckily I got my jollies from this casserole. The silver lining never tasted so good.
Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Nice cold beer or white wine
Ingredients:
1. 1 tbsp breadcrumbs
2. 2 tbsp olive oil
3. 1 dash paprika
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 onion chopped coarsely
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2-ounces goat cheese
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Grease a baking pan or deep wide pie-pan with olive oil. Chop the squash into ½ inch rounds. Line the pan with a layer of squash rounds, throw the onions over and crown with half of the goat cheese. Set down another layer, use the rest of the goat cheese and crown with green onions. Pour the remaining olive oil, season with paprika and salt, and evenly distribute the breadcrumbs over the top.
Step 2
Throw the squash in the oven and bake until the veggies soften and the top browns (approx 45 min). Serve up on plates as a lunch or to compliment an ENTRÉE.
2 Comments | healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, summer, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, baked squash, bang, banging, breadcrumbs, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fungasm, game changer, get laid, globe squash, globe squash casserole recipe, goat cheese, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, onion, paprika, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, squishy squashy casserole recipe, summer, tasty, vegetables, vegetarian, veggies, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 23, 2009
Smelly fish in my belly.
I recognize that smell anywhere. Every time she walks by me my nose piques up. Yep, there she goes again. Tuna fish patrol on the prowl. Most guys are repulsed by pungent poonany. But they don’t have the culinary kink you develop being surrounded by food. People’s filthy minds wander to sex when they eat food with certain aromas. My mind wanders to food when I’m banging someone emanating various aromas. The fact the girl in question smells a bit fishy only made me hungrier for meat from the sea. While my friends dissed the funky-scented hottie, I invited her over for tuna burgers. My whole house smelled like tuna anyway so I couldn’t smell the difference when we went from Cook To Bang.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: MELLOW JELL-O MAKES’EM BELLOW
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can of TUNA
2. ½ tbsp olive oil
3. Mayonnaise to taste
4. 2 hamburger buns
5. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
6. 1 small handful of cilantro chopped coarsely
7. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
8. ½ lime
9. 1 egg
10. ½ a Serrano CHILI diced finely
Step 1
Drain the tuna and mix it thoroughly with the green onions, cilantro, chilies and egg.
Step 2
Form two burgers, pressing them together tightly. Pan-fry the burgers in olive oil on medium heat, flipping once so both sides brown (approx 3 min per side).
Step 3
Assemble the burgers by toasting the buns, slathering them with mayonnaise and avocado. Slide the tuna patties in, slap them together and slice in half.
Serve them up solo, with salad or some TOTALLY SWEET POTATO FRIES.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, SINWICHES, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, aromas, avocado, bang, banging, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, fishy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, grilled tuna patties, guarantee, hamburger buns, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, mayonnaise, naked, olive oil, pan-fry, pungent poonany, quick, recipe, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chil, sex, smells like tuna, spicy, tasty, tuna, tuna burger recipe, tuna sandwich, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 30, 2009
Who get's freaky? Who do? You do! Now freaky fry your way to shangri la!
Ain’t nothing wrong with getting a little freaky in the kitchen. I get freaky every time I walk across the linoleum. Sometimes I’ll grind against my oven, do the old in-out with my cupboards, or just stick my hand all up in my freezer just because. Sure I could act my age and treat the kitchen with reverence usually saved for a church. But to me, my kitchen is my church and I am a goddamn pagan. Getting freaky with two chicken breasts is my way of giving thanks for all the bounty and booty that comes my way. So ladies, won’t you join me in this freaky heathen worship of the sweet and the savory? This chicken is baked, so it is far less fatty. That means we can get way more chatty, before I drive you batty with desire. So don’t be bratty or catty about getting freaky. It’s natural and oh so delicioso!
Total time: approximately 70 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a margarita
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of Cornflakes
2. 1 tablespoon of milk
3. 1 egg
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of pepper
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 1 green onion chopped finely
8. 1 handful of shredded Parmesan
9. 2 tablespoons of butter
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Dump the cornflakes into a bowl and punch them into submission. Mix in the Parmesan, green onions, pepper, and salt. In a separate bowl, mix together the egg and milk.
Step 2
Pat dry the chicken breasts. Dip them in the egg/milk mixture and then stick the meat in the cornflake breading mixture, making sure both sides are coated. Place in a baking pan. Melt the butter in a pan and pour it over the breaded chicken. Throw it all into the oven and bake until the chicken is crispy on the outside and cooked through on the inside (approx 1 hour).
Serve with GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.
Leave a Comment » | IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, southern | Tagged: baked, Baked cornflake fried chicken recipe, baked fried chicken, bang, batty, bird, bratty, butter, catty, chatty, church, cornflake fried chicken, cornflakes, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, fatty, food, game changer, get laid, getting freaky, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthier, heathen, homemade, intercourse, Kellogg’s, kitchen, linoleum, low fat, milk, naked, pagan, parmesan, pepper, poultry, protein, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 11, 2009
Lunch never tasted so egg-cellent!
A few years back I was in the UK for work, but treated it like a vacation. I promised my mother I would look up an old friend of hers, Lady something or other. We met for teatime in her manor outside of London with her daughter in tow. The daughter was in her early twenties and looked like Keira Knightley with a silver spoon shoved way up her bum. The girl was gorgeous, but a far cry from the good time Britons I befriended at a London techno club the previous evening. Little lady spoon-up-her-ass ignored the boorish American eating egg salad sandwiches and charming her mother. After our spot of tea, my mother’s friend instructed her daughter to show me around the grounds of their estate. She reluctantly showed me the horses, emus and llamas, her mother’s prized rose garden and finally the neatly manicured maze. You can tell how rich British person is by the size of their maze. This maze was HUGE. I insisted we venture in and allowed her to lead me through. To this day, I don’t know whether she got us lost on purpose. What I am sure of is that this lady became a tramp away from prying eyes. This girl who had earlier regarded me as less appealing than dogshit on her shoe suddenly pounced on me like a lioness in heat. We returned to the manor tousled with grass stains all over her frilly white dress. She returned to her icy cold robot mode, never mentioning our unmentionable act. I consumed more tea and egg salad sandwiches, which tasted way better post-coitus.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: This is lunch time fare so an iced tea or lemonade, unless you are a three martini lunch kind of guy
Ingredients (for two):
1. 3 eggs
2. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
3. ½ a teaspoon of cayenne pepper
4. Salt to taste
5. ¼ lime of juice
6. ½ an avocado (had to throw APHRODISIAC in the mix)
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. 4 slices of bread
Step 1
Get a pot of water boiling and toss the eggs until they are hard-boiled (approx 5 minutes). Place the eggs in a bowl of water and ice to cool them down before you remove the shells.
Step 2
Combine the eggs, green onions, cayenne pepper, salt and limejuice in a bowl. Mix it all up with a fork to smash the eggs into tiny chunks. Your egg salad should have a yellow tinge from the yolks and cayenne.
Step 3
Toast the bread, preferably not too dark. Split up the egg salad between the two slices of toasted bread. Set avocado on top of each, close the sandwiches, split them in half and serve.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, british, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: avocado, bang, bread, cayenne pepper, delicious, easy, egg salad, egg salad recipe, Egg salad sandwich recipe, English, fancy, fast, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, lime juice, lunch, mayonnaise, naked, protein, recipe, romance, sandwich, SEDUCTION, sex, teatime | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 
