September 8, 2010
Yakety Yakisoba, you sleep over, now bend over!
This sleepover is going to be so much fun! Pillow fights, girl talk, pranks calls. Wait! You mean YAKISOBA SLEEPOVER is just a sexy name for a noodle dish? Boy am I embarrassed. But I’m not too embarrassed to tell you about my take on this classic Japanese street food. Yakisoba is found all over Japan served at festivals and consumed en masse by the military. The ramen us poor folk know and love originated from this classic. Now is your chance to bring the gourmet back into this metropolitan street food. This dish is fast, easy and cheap. No wonder it’s served on noodle carts outside of subways. But your date doesn’t need to know that. Be sure to make a grand deal out of this classy culinary creation as if you learned the recipe from a monk on top of mount Fuji. Perhaps the knowledge on how to conjure up this ethereal edible rests only with you. You are the chosen one and your date will no doubt recognize this when they take their first bite. Sounds like the sleepover is back on thanks to the flavor explosion and ginger aphrodisiac. Domo arrigato! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | 
aphrodisiac, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, RECIPES | Tagged: asian, bang, cabbage, chicken, cilantro, classy, delicious, easy, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, hearty, intercourse, Japanese, kinky, kitchen, mushrooms, naked, noodles, onion, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful, soba, soy, stir fry, street food, Yakisoba | 
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Posted by cooktobang
February 15, 2010
Serve up ketchup to cure up relationship hiccups
Post Valentines Day blues? Did you forget to buy jewelry? Bring baby’s breath flowers instead of roses? OR were you the insensitive $@*&! that forgot the day altogether? Regardless of your trespasses, your significant other is mighty pissed. Odds are your ass is about to be bounced right out the door. You best be proactive to solve this little quandary before they are on the phone with that ex you hate or off to the bar to slut it up with the first sketchball that buys them a drink. Take it from a guy who has pissed off more girls than I have hairs on my head (no receding hairline here), drastic measures are called for if you want to keep them around. Since the CTB method is my ticket to everything from company for the night to free timeshare rentals in Costa Rica, food is the answer to most of my problems. Cook To Beg with a jar of homemade ketchup.
Total time: approximately 12 hours (1 hr cooking, 11 hrs refrigerated)
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what you slather it over
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 small can tomato paste
3. ½ cup white wine vinegar
4. 1 28 OZ can tomatoes
5. 1/2 cup brown sugar
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 dash salt
8. 1 small handful chopped BASIL
Step 1
Puree the tomatoes.
Step 2
Sauté the onion in olive oil on medium heat (approx 5 min). Add the pureed tomatoes, and mix in the brown sugar, basil, salt, white wine vinegar, and tomato paste. Bring to a roaring boil, and then simmer on low heat uncovered until the liquid reduces in half (approx 45 min).
Step 3
Puree everything in the stockpot. Dump the contents into a bowl, cover with saran wrap, and refrigerate overnight. Serve as the most epic condom-ment for fries, eggs, potatoes, or just about anything that would be loved up by the classic red sauce.
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, break up, brown sugar, calivirgin, Catsup, cook to beg, costa rica, delicious, DIY, dumped, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, homemade ketchup recipe, intercourse, ketchup, kitchen, libido, make up, naked, olive oil, onion, oops, post valentines day blues, quandary, recipe, romance, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sketchball, tasty, timeshare, tomato paste, tomatoes, valentines day, white wine vinegar, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 4, 2010
Why is not as important as when.
Quit with the questions already! I experiment with recipes sometimes to discover new and exciting methods to prepare banging food. Oftentimes I crash and burn with my noble attempts at cooking something groundbreaking. You have to stumble before you can walk; kiss before you bang. But there are times where I rock the living crap out of the ingredients I’m working for and then…BAM! It’s like being the first man to discover the clitoris. You always assumed there was something there, but it took some serious creative spelunking to get there. So that is what I offer you now. This is a little ditty made out of boredom for the standard breakfast fare. I knew there was some clever way to take the best parts of Middle Eastern and Western to create a fusion that all us infidels can enjoy. My date agreed after getting over her skepticism of the unfamiliar. She did not ask why I led her immediately back to bed after we were done eating. My perverted intent was implied.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: MIMOSUCK IT
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp vegetable oil
2. 3 dashes sea salt
3. 4 tomato slices
4. 1/2 onion sliced in strips
5. 2 eggs
6. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful queso fresco (Mexican cheese)
8. 1/2 large pita (one pictured infused with thyme)
Step 1
Heat up the oil in a skillet. Throw in the onions and fry until they caramelize (approx 3 min). Fry up the tomatoes next, salting them and flipping once (approx 2 min). Finally make room in pan to fry up pita.
Step 2
Scoop the fried onions and tomato onto the pita. Crack the eggs in the space now available, salt them, and fry sunny side up (approx 3 min). Split the eggs in two and serve over each half of the pita. Surround the egg yolk with avocado like a halo and crumble some queso fresco on top.
Split the pita in two and serve them up on separate plates with BED & BREAKFAST POTATOES.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, Middle Eastern, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, boredom, breakfast, caramelize, clitoris, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, fry, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, groundbreaking, guarantee, homemade, infidel, intercourse, kitchen, libido, Middle Eastern, morning, MORNING WOOD, naked, onion, pita, queso fresco, recipe, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, skepticism, spelunking, tasty, tomato, vegetable oil, Western, Why ask why fry breakfast, why asky why?, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 21, 2009
Run like a cheetah to tap that booty
There are some people out there too fine for their own good. You know the type I’m talking about. It’s as if they are cursed to roam the earth surrounded by an unsightly subspecies, the rest of us. That’s how I feel every time I’m around someone so stunning, I wonder if perhaps my sins were not too great to exclude me from a heaven membership. Fat chance of that. The beta person would not dare try to engage the near-mythical sexual creature for fear of abject humiliation. But I always take the “fake it ‘til you make it” approach, which sometimes pays back in decadent dividends. When you do step up to the plate, be ready to knock it out of the park by having a plan. I’m cocky about my cooking skills. So with swagger and spitfire I invite the sexier-than-thou and let them know not coming to my place for some grub will be their loss. No cheetah will deny the rarefied opportunity to sample your fajita sandwich.
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy:BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise to taste
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 4 dashes fajita seasoning
4. 2 sandwich rolls
5. 2 GREENSBURY MARKET organic chicken breasts
6. 1 onion sliced in long strips
7. 1 red bell pepper sliced in long strips
8. 1 lime wedge
9. 1 small handful cilantro chopped coarsely
10. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
11. 1 tomato sliced thinly.
Step 1
Slice the chicken breasts into long thin strips and marinate in limejuice and 1/2 the fajita
seasoning (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the onion, bell pepper and cilantro in olive oil until they soften (approx 4 min). Create room in the pan and sauté the chicken next to but separate from the veggies (approx 3 min).
Step 3
Assemble the sandwich. First split the rolls down the top, and then spread mayo as needed. Stuff each roll with veggies, chicken, tomato and avocado.
Serve this gringo twist on a Mexican classic with a some GARLICKABLE FRIES.
4 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, mexican, poultry, RECIPES, SINWICHES, spicy | Tagged: abject humiliation, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, calivirgin, chicken breasts, Chicken fajita sandwich recipe, cilantro, decadent dividends, delicious, DIY, easy, fajita seasoning, fake it ‘til you make it, food, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, greensbury market, guarantee, heaven, homemade, hot like a cheetah, hot like a cheetah fajita sinwich, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, marinate, mayo, mayonnaise, mexican, naked, olive oil, onion, organic, recipe, red bell pepper, sandwich, sandwich roll, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sexier-than-thou, tasty, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 3, 2009
Antioxidize your sexual frustration!
I am most inclined to bang in the morning. My attention is, shall we say, piqued? Not sure if has to do with the fact I’m well rested of that my dreams are so goddamn sexy that I turn myself on. Considering my dreams are essentially Red Shoe Diaries episodes minus David Duchovny, I’d go with the latter. When I have company come morning time, then the whirlwind of screams, moans and panting expressions of gratitude before and after breakfast are assured. But there are occasions when I wake up alone, hungry for something that is not there. Wondering what I do during those moments of frustration? I forego the desire to go postal and channel my energy into a badass breakfast that will get my brain charged and inspired to not repeat another sexless morning. This little treat was concocted and it satisfied most of my needs. This weekend I remade this breakfast delight for my late night Halloween guest before homegirl did the walk of shame dressed like a slutty ice cream cone. Could you blame me for going for the girl dressed like food? I do after all, Cook to Bang…or in this case, lick to bang.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 2 sausages cut in bite-sized pieces
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 3 eggs
6. ½ pomegranate worth of seeds
7. 1 handful shredded jack cheese
8. ½ onion chopped coarsely
Step 1
Beat the eggs with salt, pepper and half the pomegranate seeds. CLICK HERE if you want to know the trick to getting removing the seeds.
Step 2
Sauté the onions and sausage with the olive oil. Pour in the eggs mixture and scramble like a champ. Turn off the heat, throw the cheese over the top and cover until the cheese melts (approx 2 min). Scatter shot the remaining pomegranate seeds and serve.
Serve this classy, antioxidant breakfast with some SWEET ASS-BROWNS or FORBIDDEN FRUIT SALAD.
Leave a Comment » | fusion, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: badass, bang, banging, black pepper, breakfast, calivirgin, dairy, david duchovny, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, going postal, gourmet, guarantee, Halloween, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, libido, morning, naked, olive oil, onion, pomegranate, pomegranate scramble recipe, pomegratify your morning desires recipe, recipe, red shoe diaries, salt, sausage, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sexless, slutty ice cream cone, tasty, walk of shame, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 2, 2009
Unleash the fury, with some banging curry!
For me, banging comes in waves. Sometimes I’m banging everything sexy in a 10-mile radius. Other times I am sitting alone in the dark wondering why not even my D-List booty calls aren’t returning my texts. Peaks and valleys, strikes and gutters, dude. My advice for dealing with this is to capitalize on those moments when you can bang the hottest piece of ass even wearing filthy sweatpants and crocs. Savor these times as if they were your last and by god man, bang them good and proper so they don’t vanish and tarnish your reputation as a lousy lay. Winter can be a lonely mistress. The best solution is to warm yourself back up with the spice of life. Nothing gets that done quite like spicy food and a hot snuggle buddy or three. When the snow flurries keep you inside, be sure to have something warm and sexy to flurry on.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $20
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a mango lassi
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ½ cup plain yogurt
3. 1 tsp ground cumin
4. 1 tbsp curry powder
5. 1 handful chopped cilantro
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 large eggplant
8. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
9. 1 small handful GINGER finely chopped
10. 2 garlic cloves finely chopped
11. CHILI PEPPERS at your discretion
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C. Throw the eggplant in the oven and roast until the eggplant softens (approx 30 min). Remove from the oven, allow to cool, peel away the skin, and then cut the meat into bite-sized cubes.
Step 2
Sauté the onions with the cumin, garlic and ginger until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the tomatoes and cook until they stew (approx 2 min)
Step 3
Throw in the eggplant, spice with the curry powder and chili pepper and cook in the flavor (approx 3 min). Add the yogurt and cook until it all becomes creamy curry goodness (approx 2 min). Throw in the cilantro and you are good to go.
Serve this curry dish with your favorite RICE DISH or some delicious naan.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, indian, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, banging flurry eggplant curry recipe, boot call, capitalize, chili pepper, cilantro, cold, crocs, cumin, curry, curry powder, d-list, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, eggplant curry recipe, food, frigid, game changer, garlic, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, India, indian, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lonely mistress, naked, new delhi, olive oil, onion, recipe, roast, sauté, savor, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, snuggle buddy, spicy, sweatpants, tasty, tomato, vegan, vegetarian, winter, yogurt, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 23, 2009
Double trouble looking for a piece of that bubble!
You know the deal. Society tells us to behave, to color within the lines, to speak when spoken to. That’s all well and good if you’re a eunuch. But what about those of us with a spine flowing with spunk? We’re not just going to lie down and endure our master’s cruel, but fair beatings for stepping out of line. No bloody way! We are our own masters and being as such, we color way outside the lines and even off the page. That’s why we Cook to Bang and not Cook to Cuddle. So whose to say a tofu stir-fry has to marinate in apologetic afterthought? Why not be bold with that palette so it grabs your date’s collar and shake them, screaming, “I’m an interesting person!” Glad you see it my way. Now stir up some trouble with that healthy meal of yours.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Kombucha or some dank, heady beer, bra
Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 tbsp peanut butter
3. 1 tbsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
5. ½ onion chopped coarsely
6. 1 handful parsley chopped coarsely
7. 1 tofu block
8. ½ lime quartered
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
Step 1
Cut the tofu block into bite-sized pieces. Toss with soy sauce, Sriracha and limejuice and marinate (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the garlic and onions in olive oil until they become translucent (approx 3 min). Add the peanut butter and stir until in melts into the onion. Throw in the tofu with the marinade and sauté along with the parsley until the tofu softens (approx 5 min).
Squeeze limejuice over it and serve solo or with some RICE.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, fusion, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bloody, calivirgin, chili sauce, cook to cuddle, cruel, delicious, DIY, easy, eunuch, fast, flavor, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hippie, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, marinate, naked, olive oil, onion, parsley, peanut butter, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, spicy, sriracha, stir fry, tasty, tofu, tofu stir-fry recipe, vegan, vegetarian, veggie, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 23, 2009
Raw and raunchy is was better than being blah and paunchy!
It has indeed been an oyster filled wonderland here at COOK TO BANG these last few weeks. I would apologize and offer some sort of assurance that something like this will never happen again. But I’m not some sucker embarrassed by the fact that I have a strong passion for sexy foods and sexier times. Oyster are among my favorite ingredients not only for that unique taste and texture, but because you rarely see aphrodisiacs effects demonstrated quite so obviously. You know that when you serve a plate of raw oysters, raunchy things are sure to follow. It’s almost like an unspoken contract two people enter into when the plate of raw goodness arrives at the table. You both accept that any frolicking that follows is not only appropriate, but expected. A word to the unwilling: refuse to eat or order them if you are going to be a prude buzzkill. For the rest of you lovelies, shuck and jive all the way to bed!
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: White wine or just about any LIBATION LUBRICATION
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ dozen raw OYSTERS
2. 2 tbsp red wine vinegar
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. ¼ lemon
5. 1 pinch BASIL finely chopped
6. 1 pinch onion finely chopped
7. 1 pinch GINGER finely chopped
8. 1 micro pinch CHILI finely chopped
Step 1
Create the oyster dip by mixing the red wine vinegar, onion, ginger, basil, lemon juice, black pepper and chili. Serve up with the raw oysters and let the naughty games begin!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, buzzkill, chili, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frolicking, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, New Orleans, onion, oyster sauce recipe, Raw & raunchy oysters recipe, recipe, red wine vinegar, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, southern, tart, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 1, 2009
These shrimp are tres tres baba cool. No?
If this recipe title isn’t obvious enough, I was up in French Canada. Just call me the ambassador of morally bankrupt American diplomacy. In other words, I’m your typical ambassador. The fact I wasn’t given a motorcade and a villa with a masseuse and sushi chef is beyond me. So I did what I always, make do in style. I befriended a pair of Salopes at an art gallery who invited me over for a barbecue the next day. A bag of shrimp and I was in the door, rifling through their fridge to make something work. The ingredients below are what they had, and thank god for that! My new friends were impressed. One insisted I stay with her for a few days. Canadian-American relations have never been better.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay or beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 onion chopper coarsely
2. 2 tbsp olive oil
3. 1 dash red CHILI flakes
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1 dash salt
6. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
7. 1 handful parsley chopped
8. 1 lb large SHRIMP in shells
9. ¼ lemon
Step 1
Marinate the shrimp with garlic, lemon juice, salt, paprika, red chili flakes, and 1 tbsp olive oil (approx 10 min).
Step 2
Saute the onions in the remaining olive oil until translucent (approx 3 min). Add the shrimp, spreading them out. Flip the shrimp when they pinken (approx 2 min per side). Throw in the parsley and cook another minute.
Serve these shrimp solo or with a SALAD.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: ambassador, American, bang, banging, barbecue, Canada, delicious, diplomacy, DIY, easy, food, French Canadian, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, masseuse, montreal, motorcade, naked, olive oil, onion, paprika, parsley, quebec, recipe, red chili flakes, salope, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, Shrimp scampi recipe, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 28, 2009
The man in the black pajamas makes a mean sandwich. Don't flavor with napalm!
“You want boom boom?” asked two Vietnamese hookers on a moped. I was in Hanoi, trekking around in search of mayhem and kick ass pho (Vietnamese noodle soup). I don’t pay for sex. No offense to those who hire whore now and again. My charm and cooking skills are enough to get girls naked. But these two young trollops were hot and the mathematical possibilities enticing it. So I asked them, “Will you love me long time?” They nodded and beckoned me to get on the back of their motorbike. So I countered, “Are you so horny?” Damn straight they were. The cherry on top was when I asked them to call me “Soldier boy.” One said, “We give you boom boom, soldier boy.” The other added, “Me so horny. We love you long time.” I had a Full Metal Jacket growth in my pants, but contracting GI Joe Kung Fu grip wasn’t recommended in my Lonely Planet guide. So I declined their offer for boom boom. Instead I got this chicken sandwich from a street vendor that was amazing, although not quite as interesting as the international incident I passed up. To all the girls I have banged since…You’re Welcome!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 sandwich rolls
2. 1 tsp lemon juice
3. 1 tsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 tsp fish sauce
6. ½ onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 carrot sliced thinly
8. 1 tomato sliced thinly
9. 2 chicken breasts
10. 1 handful shredded coconut
11. 1 handful cilantro chopped finely
12. 1 CHILI diced finely
13. 1 tbsp vegetable oil (not pictured, St. Peter has already taken note)
Step 1
Mince the chicken and then marinate with cilantro, chili, onion, coconut, soy sauce, fish sauce, oyster sauce and lemon juice (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Cook the chicken thoroughly with vegetable oil (approx 5 min). Slice open the bread rolls and stuff the chicken into them. Add the tomato and carrot slices and shut the sandwich, soldier boy.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, asian, french, fusion, poultry, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vietnamese | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Asia, bang, banging, carrot, chicken, chili, cilantro, coconut, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, gi joe, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hooker, intercourse, kitchen, kung fu grip, lemon juice, libido, lonely planet, love you long time, me so horny, moped, motorbike, naked, nam, onion, oyster sauce, prostitute, recipe, sandwich roll, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, Soldier boy sinwich, southeast asia, soy sauce, tasty, tomato, vegetable oil, viet cong, Vietnam, Vietnamese chicken sandwich recipe, whore, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 