Double trouble looking for a piece of that bubble!
You know the deal. Society tells us to behave, to color within the lines, to speak when spoken to. That’s all well and good if you’re a eunuch. But what about those of us with a spine flowing with spunk? We’re not just going to lie down and endure our master’s cruel, but fair beatings for stepping out of line. No bloody way! We are our own masters and being as such, we color way outside the lines and even off the page. That’s why we Cook to Bang and not Cook to Cuddle. So whose to say a tofu stir-fry has to marinate in apologetic afterthought? Why not be bold with that palette so it grabs your date’s collar and shake them, screaming, “I’m an interesting person!” Glad you see it my way. Now stir up some trouble with that healthy meal of yours.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Kombucha or some dank, heady beer, bra
Step 1
Cut the tofu block into bite-sized pieces. Toss with soy sauce, Sriracha and limejuice and marinate (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the garlic and onions in olive oil until they become translucent (approx 3 min). Add the peanut butter and stir until in melts into the onion. Throw in the tofu with the marinade and sauté along with the parsley until the tofu softens (approx 5 min).
Squeeze limejuice over it and serve solo or with some RICE.
Be ready to feel overshadowed unless you are packing serious heat (in your oven). That ain’t necessarily a bad thing. This banana oozes with chocolate gooeyness. You’re golden so long as you regard this APHRODISIAC overdose as a friend and not foe. You will be hard-pressed not to sing cult-like praises once you take your first bite, or second or third where you stuff it all into your mouth and wish you had made a few extra. There’s a high probability you may forget your date is even there once the gorging begins. But fear not for they will be reacting in a similarly compromising manner so you will be in good company. You will both be locked into an alternate chocolaty universe where you frolic among the folds of strawberry and banana. Unless you ascend to the heavens, you can then ravage each other until the euphoria wears off. Win-win, if you ask me.
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 2 bananas
2. 5 STRAWBERRIES
3. 1 handful dark CHOCOLATE chips or shards
4. Powdered sugar (optional and not pictured)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice open the top of the banana all the way through to split the meat. Slice the strawberries thinly and stuff into the banana. Stuff the chocolate evenly with the strawberries.
Step 2
Throw the stuffed bananas into the oven and bake until the chocolate melts (approx 40 min). Remove from the oven and sprinkle some powdered sugar if you’re feeling it. Serve up with a spoon. Vanilla ice cream might go nicely with it.
If they ask "Should I stay or should I go?", just shrug.
Sometimes the f@$%-it-all attitude is the best approach to life. Whether we’re talking dating, cooking or anything that involves sheer pleasure, take a backseat and let it be whatever it will be. I know that may sound difficult when you want something badly. Trust me, I’ve been there and learned late in life the importance of not sweating the details. Heed my advice and settle down, tiger. The eager beaver gnaws on wood and not much else. This breakfast is a perfect metaphor. The previous night I grilled my best SPANK MY HALIBUT yet along with some BOAST THE MOST ASS-PARAGUS for a date in who enjoyed it enough to let me sleep over. Come morning time after my second round of banging the cobwebs out of my eyes, I stumbled casually into the kitchen and made this dish in a matter of minutes. We dined, we banged and I slipped out the door, all at a leisurely pace, yet made it to work…only 15 minutes late!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $3 (plus whatever it cost to make leftovers)
Sauté the chopped leftover asparagus and fish with the olive oil (approx 2 min). Pour in the eggs, but don’t scramble, just let the egg form around the leftovers like a pancake. When the eggs cook through (approx 3 min), chop up the cheddar cheese and toss them on top, turn off the heat and cover, and allow it to melt. Split eggs in half, serve up on plates and throw down some salsa.
That’s right. I’m peeping your pineapples. Is that a problem? Am I offending you by leering? I can’t help it if them apples are all that and bag of lettuce…that happens to be in my hand. I come correct when it comes to lunchtime fare. This is the perfect lunch you finally make Saturday afternoon after spending the whole morning nursing a hangover and an extended orgasm. Then again, it makes a pretty bodaciously badass dinner salad to serve with a light ENTRÉE. With greens, meats and fruit this good together, I’m sure you can let my lecherous ways slide just this once. And while we’re on the subject of sliding, slide on over this way so we can slip slide the night away. As a delicious side note: pineapple makes certain male fluids taste better. Just looking for the ladies (and a the fab fellas) with oral fixations.
Create the dressing by pureeing 1 small handful of pineapple, red wine vinegar, olive oil, and BBQ sauce.
Step 2
Marinate the chicken with half the green onions and the BBQ sauce. Grill the chicken through with all of the BBQ marinade, flipping once (approx 2 min per side). Chop the chicken into bite-sized pieces.
Step 3
Assemble the lettuce, pineapple, green onions, chopped chicken and toss your salad with the dressing.
My dear friends Andy and Leah, collectively known as LEANDY, wrote this song for me as a birthday present. Flattered doesn’t quite cover how awesome it was to have a jam composed for and about me. Naturally, a music video with big bootied hos dancing with spatulas is sure to follow. They did all this on an iPhone using the T-Pain Autotune app. Smooth jams at your fingertips. If my voice didn’t cause even deaf people to beg me to stop, I might compose a song dedicated to my hand blender that gives more pleasure than a plutonium-powered dildo. Anyhow, without further tomfoolery, take a listen:
This is for all you hungry lovers out there
Looking to have a gourmet affair
@&*$!^ will show you what you need
To have her down on her knees
It’s a little thing he likes to call Cook to Bang
Giving you sexy new ways to entertain
His recipes drive the ladies insane
And you may have to clean up a stain
If you wanna get her in the sack
And make her lips smack
All you have to do is pull out your spice rack
And whip her up a tasty snack
You too can be the boom king
You’ll make her taste buds sing
They’ll say foo de fa fa
As they show you their fritatas
You can Cook to Bang
Aww Yeah
Everybody Cook to Bang
Even You
It’s the latest sensation
Cook to Bang is sweeping the nation
Take a sip of his libation lubrication
Get ready for a culinary home invasion
He’s a lecherous leprechaun
Trying to help you get your groove on
So don’t be afraid of your stove and oven
They’ll help you get some good good lovin
So slip on your apron and put on your mits
And go grab your pots and pans
And give her something to put in her mouth
It’ll make you feel like a man
Stuffing your talkative guest's mouth is a Brie-liant move!
Are they still talking? Sheesh! You haven’t said a word in the last five minutes. Don’t they need to breathe at some point? I’ve spent long periods of time with ramblers who keep blabbering about topics I stopped commenting on hours ago. Being crazy passionate about something is sexy, but at a certain point you should hand the conch off to someone else to talk. This rambling generally occurs after a night of unscrupulous dalliances when you are ready to sleep soundly. You banged someone physically hot enough, but mentally a little on the dim side. Don’t worry for they will eventually get the hint when the sound of your snoring pierces their conversation bubble. But sure as the sun rises, the ramble train will keep rolling come morning. You’re best stuff something into that mouth stat. You can go many different routes, many of which are perverted, kinky or slightly illegal. But in this case, try filling those unwavering noise boxes with some delicious food. At least the conversation will move towards the topic of food, your food. At that point you can steer the conversation from your food to your bed.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil*
2. 2 bacon strips (*if using turkey or veggie bacon)
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 dash salt
6, 4 eggs
7. 2 handfuls sliced mushrooms
8. I small handful of Brie chunks
Step 1
Crack the eggs, salt and pepper them, and then beat vigorously.
Step 2
Cut the bacon up into small slices and fry them until they brown. Add olive oil if you need and then sauté the mushrooms until they soften (approx 3 min)
Step 3
Add the egg mixture and scramble them dry (approx 3 min). Turn off the heat, toss the Brie pieces on top of the eggs, and then cover with a lid, letting the trapped heat melt the cheese.
Serve up with some BED & BREAKFAST POTATOES or SWEET ASS-BROWNS.
Raw and raunchy is was better than being blah and paunchy!
It has indeed been an oyster filled wonderland here at COOK TO BANG these last few weeks. I would apologize and offer some sort of assurance that something like this will never happen again. But I’m not some sucker embarrassed by the fact that I have a strong passion for sexy foods and sexier times. Oyster are among my favorite ingredients not only for that unique taste and texture, but because you rarely see aphrodisiacs effects demonstrated quite so obviously. You know that when you serve a plate of raw oysters, raunchy things are sure to follow. It’s almost like an unspoken contract two people enter into when the plate of raw goodness arrives at the table. You both accept that any frolicking that follows is not only appropriate, but expected. A word to the unwilling: refuse to eat or order them if you are going to be a prude buzzkill. For the rest of you lovelies, shuck and jive all the way to bed!
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: White wine or just about any LIBATION LUBRICATION
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ dozen raw OYSTERS
2. 2 tbsp red wine vinegar
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. ¼ lemon
5. 1 pinch BASIL finely chopped
6. 1 pinch onion finely chopped
7. 1 pinch GINGER finely chopped
8. 1 micro pinch CHILI finely chopped
Step 1
Create the oyster dip by mixing the red wine vinegar, onion, ginger, basil, lemon juice, black pepper and chili. Serve up with the raw oysters and let the naughty games begin!
In an effort to make up for my excess of blaspheming in yesterday’s post, please accept this most healthy atonement. I never run out of praise for the Japanese culture for the joy they bring to my life from ninjas to bukake. Above all other things, I worship their healthy, yet delicious food. To make things taste that good without turning you into a sumo wrestler takes millenniums of practice. I have bedded my share of geishas using their dishes. Most of my recipes are at least influenced by Japanese low-fat cooking methods. One could say I have a Japanese fetish. But if loving a culture that create sushi, ninjas and hentai porn is wrong, than I will join the majority of the male population in screaming: Thank you oh so very very much! Now heat up some water because it’s about to get steamy up in here!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer, sake or Sake Bombs!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 3 baby bok choy
3. ½ lemon
Step 1
Steam the baby bok choy until the leaves wilt and become bright green (approx 25-30 min). Remove from the steam, squeeze lemon over them add the soy sauce. You now have one of the most sexy, simple side dishes ever conceived by man…or samurai!
Can you fig it? Yes you can! Can we fig it? Yes we will!
As long as you can fig it, we can dig it! At least that’s what Eve told me when I crashed a party at the Garden of Eden. It was a pretty epic throw down with animals of paradise serving up all manner of hors d’oeuvres from the bountiful fruit found in the garden. God was DJ’ing, digging in his crate of music not-yet-invented to keep the party hopping. The best part was that everyone was naked, unaware that their hot bodies were meant to cause them shame. Adam was too busy discussing his odd mass of body hair around his pubic region with my wingman the snake to notice that I had led Eve away to fix her up some food of biblical awesomeness. I gathered all the goods throughout the garden and slapped it together. Did you know English muffins grew on trees before Original Sin? Eve was all about it and more than down to commit sins not yet documented. Post-coital, totally out of breath, Eve was hungry once more. I was on my way out, but my man the snake that just whooped Adam’s ass in a nectar-drinking contest, tossed her an apple as we vanished into history once more.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA or holy water (just add vodka)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise (or your favorite condom-ment)
2. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
3. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
4. 1 English muffin
5. 1 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
Step 1
Split the English muffin in half and toast it. Spread a little mayo or the condom-ment that gets you the wettest. Add green onion, tomato, avocado and crown it all with some kick ass figs.
Serve it up to your date and commence with some original sin!
Ready, aim, fire! KERPLOW! That’s the sound of resistance to your sexy ass being obliterated. Oysters as you well know rev up the engine in your pantalones like filling up a Prius with rocket fuel or feeding a gerbil meth. And combine it with the sweet warm embrace of vodka and you are ready to fucking rumble, I first fell in love with oyster shooters in the Big Easy, New Orleans for you uninitiated. I downed three of them before charging out onto Bourbon Street where Mardi gras madness was on like a very horny Donkey Kong. The seething mass of frat boys and sorostitutes were no match for me. I was suited and booted with oyster power that made me stand out from the crowd of fools. I led one such sorority tramp away from the rest of the Greeks, pounded oyster shots with her and then vanished to my nearby hotel room where we banged each other’s brains out. Things got a little weird after when I forgot her name (Courtney perhaps?), but my libido made up for my apparent disrespect of this Southern Belle, I do declare!
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Eating Buddy: This is best of both worlds: food & booze!
Step 1
Remove the raw oysters from the shells and scoop them into the shot glasses. Add the cilantro and lemon, fill up the glasses with vodka, and add a few dashes of Tabasco sauce. Bottoms up…literally!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Posted by cooktobang 
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 