May 21, 2015
Get the best Dank Organic Veggie Burrito on Phish tour!
Holy shit, bra! Did you catch Phish at Bonaroo? I mean like wow, man! Maybe I can articulate it without than bohemian euphemisms once the acid wears off. At least I was able to pick up some hard-body hippie harlots in the lot selling Dank Organic Veggie Burritos out of my mom’s Prius. They thought my vegan wraps were heady, yo. I played them some old bootlegs from like WAY back in the day. They were mad impressed, especially when they started rubbing the Phish tat across my heart. Good thing they didn’t realize it was just henna until after I get my dirty hippie orgy on. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
May 18, 2015
This egg dish brings out the whore in anyone.
Who said breakfast can’t be quick, cheap and gourmet? These purveyors of untruths are likely terrorists or, at the very least, buzz kills. Ignore these fools for they know not what they say. Prepare to class up the morning after tainting it with unmentionable activities that would make the church ladies blush. Eggs Whorentine to the rescue! It’s got all the sexiness of Eggs Benedict, but with the spinach power of Popeye. Let your breakfast speak for itself when you have a sleeping beauty in your bed. Sure she/he is eager for you to report for duty, but damnit, you just gave them good loving and need a recharge. That’s where the protein in the eggs, carbohydrates of the English muffin and the famed Popeye power of spinach keep you going long and strong. Your first bite will send steam out of your ears and you’ll both be off for the next round and round. Toot toot! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, breakfast, delicious, easy, eggs, eggs Florentine, Eggs Florentine recipe, English muffin, fancy, Florentine, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hollandaise, hollandaise sauce recipe, intercourse, kitchen, morning, naked, poached, recipe, romance, sauté, SEDUCTION, sex, spinach, toast | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 14, 2015
All hail Caesar Salad!
The classics deserve much props and little improvisation. You can’t get much more perfect than the Caesar Salad. Like a great lover, it is crisp, moist and creamy in all the right places. No wonder this salad is so universal on plates across the world. Now is your chance to wow even the most discriminate date with this simple DIY Caesar Salad from scratch. Once you make this ridiculously easy salad once, sequels by the dozen are sure to follow. This salad works perfectly as a starter before a blow-their-mind entrée, or can stand alone as a lunch. It was the perfect follow up course to the sultry French Onion Soup I served. Naturally, my date was satisfied to her core with such simplicity. She pounced like a wildcat before I could even finish. My only regret is that the lettuce wilted before I could eat the rest. I can always make more and more and more. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: anchovy, appetizer, bake, bang, Caesar salad, Caesar salad from scratch, chicken, chicken Caesar salad, country club, delicious, Dijon, easy, fancy, fast, from scratch, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grill, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leafy and lovely, lunch, naked, parmesan, recipe, romaine, romance, salad, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, toss your salad, Worcestershire, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 5, 2015
“It takes 2 to make a thing go right. It takes 2 to make it out of sight.” – Rob Base
You gotta love appetizer and wine dates. Combine these perfect companions and the two of you will be combined soon enough. If one of you brings the wine and the other the appetizer, you’ll need to figure out who’s bringing the condoms. These miniature caprese salads on a stick are easy to make, easy to take on the go, plus you can hand feed each other. It doesn’t get more sensual and primitive than that. Who loves you? Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, summer, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bang, banging, basil, buffalo mozzarella, caprese salad recipe, cherry tomatoes, condoms, delicious, DIY, easy, finger food, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hand feed, homemade, hor d’oeuvres, intercourse, it takes two, kitchen, libido, mini-capreses, naked, olive oil, primitive, recipe, rob base, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sensual, sex, starter, tasty, toothpicks, undress me, vegetarian, wine, wine appetizer date, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 1, 2015
Why spend another Friday night at home pissed off at yet another flake?
My number one frustration in the dating scene is flakes. Nothing pisses me off more than having a date lined up for the night and getting a call, or worse, a text message with some half-baked excuse about a forgotten lobotomy appointment. I erase their phone numbers on the spot and wipe their existence from my memory banks. This happens to all of us, especially with those you pick up without the benefit of an acquaintance’s introduction. Thems the breaks of being on the prowl. So what’s a player to do to avoid becoming a victim of the better offer? Wow the living shit out of them with a memorable meal. Granted these flaky whores and douches need to sample your cuisine first. But once they do, flaking will be the last thing on their mind. Their concern will be staying in your good graces so they never miss one of your epic meals. Crab cakes send a clear message that you are a keeper and deserve the utmost respect and courtesy. There are millions of sexy singles who would gladly take their place at your dinner table and boudoir. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, asian, Cajun, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, RECIPES, seafood, SEDUCTION, southern | Tagged: appetizer, bang, banging, better offer, boudoir, breadcrumbs, Chesapeake bay, cilantro, crab cake recipe, delicious, DIY, douches, dust, easy, egg, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fish sauce, flake, flaky, flour, food, fry, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, half-baked, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, lobotomy, lump crab meat, mango, Maryland, memorable, mix, naked, never flakes crab cakes, on the prowl, recipe, red bell pepper, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, singles, tasty, text message, vegetable oil, whores, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 19, 2015
Bacon smoking, hash toking, breakfast choking
In honor of 4/20 tomorrow1…you must be exhausted after the third round of morning sex. I doubt you could bang a forth time if you wanted to. You are running on an empty tank. Time to fill you up with super unleaded so your premium sex machine can run all afternoon and into the night. VROOM VROOOOOOOOM! Bring on some chicken hash. This has protein, carbohydrates and enough nutrients to keep you banging like a bunny into next week. The Nobel Prize winning astrophysicists COOK TO BANG keep on staff, i.e. chained up in my basement and fed leftovers, have been working around the clock to bring you this streamlined breakfast. Naturally, I am taking credit for their revolutionary findings. But don’t you think those guys have enough accolades and prize money already? I’m glad you see it my way. More hash? Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, southern | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 16, 2015
Bear fruit before you bare all
You should know better. This salad is reserved for the harvest Gods. But you eat it anyway. Sinner. Man should not have access to a salad this powerful. The discovery of this recipe is akin to Prometheus giving man fire. Sure I’ll have to wash a mountain of dishes for all eternity, but knowing you might serve this to a hot date makes it all worth it. Ye shall reap the glory from this culinary gem heretofore unattainable. It’s the only ammunition you’ll need for a successful conquest. The Forbidden Fruit Salad has delivered for me on more than on occasion, sexing up a few dull BREAKFASTS and lunches. This represents one of my favorite fruit combinations, but I encourage you to try your favorite. Did I mention this ultra-healthy salad will make certain bodily secretions taste way better? Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: banana, bang, cinnamon, cloves, delicious, easy, fancy, Forbidden fruit salad recipe, fructose, fruit, fruit salad, fruit salad recipe, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, honey, honey dressing, intercourse, kitchen, kiwi, lemon juice, lemon zest, mango, naked, recipe, romance, salad, SEDUCTION, sex, summer, tangerine, vegan, vegetarian | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 15, 2015
I’m sure you’ll chase these bunnies down the rabbit hole
Celebrate like a proper American. Freedom, baby, yeah! Indulge in all your liberties, including those only legal in certain Nevada counties. While I personally don’t pay to bang (I cook, remember?), I certainly exchange goods (my awesome food) for sexual favors. Make your own backyard into your bunny ranch. If you are good enough, perhaps you can bang the local cougars for quick cash while they send their hubbies out for more hamburger buns. This simple drink is perfect for drinking all day in the sun with those you wish to bang. It’s especially enjoyable floating in a pool surrounded by hard bodies. So relax from all your labors and drink up. How else will we pull ourselves out of recession?
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Eating Buddy: Any GRILLED GOODIES
Ingredients (per drink):
1. 2 shots silver tequila
2. Club soda
3. Ice
4. ½ lime
5. 1 small handful mint leaves
6. 2 STRAWBERRIES
Step 1
Fill each glass halfway up with ice. Squeeze ½ a lime into each, dropping the rinds into cup. Crush the strawberries in your hands and drop into the class. Toss in a small handful of mint leaves. Pour in the tequila. Fill the rest of the glass with club soda and top each glass up with ice.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, libation lubrication, RECIPES | Tagged: alcohol, America, backyard, bang, banging, bbq, booze, bunny ranch water recipe, Carson city, club soda, cougars, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grilling, guarantee, hard bodies, homemade, ice, intercourse, kitchen, labor day, libation lubrication, libido, lime, mint, moonlite bunny ranch, naked, Nevada, pool, ranch water recipe, recipe, refreshing, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, strawberries, tasty, tequila, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 30, 2015
This entree is dreamier than all the boy bands mixed together in a blender.
This fish is as dreamy as a 1950’s teen hearthrob. All the girls in poodle skirts want a chance to go to the drive-in with this Indonesian delight. It’s so dreamy, so steamy, so extremey! There’s a do wop band already concocting a song about that “Steamy, dreamy fish…do wop tra la la la you got your wish!” It’s taking the world by storm. Don’t you want to fit in with the popular crowd? Then I suggest you invite the captain of the football team or cheerleading squad over for dinner pronto. This aphrodisiac triple-threat is a hell of a lot healthier than that microwave dinner. Classier too! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: 1950’s icon, aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, cilantro, delicious, DIY, do wop band, dreamy steamy fish recipe, drive-in, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, healthy, homemade, Indonesia, Indonesian, intercourse, kitchen, libido, microwave dinner, naked, poodle skirt, popular crowd, recipe, red snapper, salt, scallions, sea bass, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chilies, sex, soft fish, soft tofu, soy sauce, spicy, steam, tasty, white pepper, wok, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 26, 2015
Hummus = Hummer, simple as that
Bing bang boom! When you hear that sound, you know it’s on. It’s pretty much on as soon as your date sees you make homemade hummus. They will be puzzled at the simplicity, your mastery of the food blender, and this uncanny ability to serve them exactly what they want. Don’t question the logic. Go with it giving your most defiant stare of FUCK YEAH! There’s no need to say anything. The creamy, flavor-packed Middle Eastern condom-ment will say it for you. Your date will innately understand that they have a goddamn legend-in-the-making on their hands and acquiesce to your most perverted demands. See you in the Elysian Fields! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, Middle Eastern, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, Arabic, bang, banging, basil, delicious, DIY, easy, elysian fields, fast, finger food, food, game changer, garbanzo beans, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, hummunna hummunna hummus recipe, intercourse, Israeli, kitchen, lemon, libido, Middle Eastern, naked, olive oil, Palestinian, pita bread, puree, recipe, red pepper hummus recipe, roasted red peppers, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 