November 16, 2011
Because banging once is never enough!
Why bang once when you can bang twice or thrice and on and on? The first banging session is a warm up, a mulligan if you will. Sure it’s like the first ascent of a famed mountain peak, but sometimes you are too exhausted to really take in the view. Now that you’re onto round two you can savor it. You’ve been here before, so you are appreciating new aspects like the pubic foliage. I hope that the arduous journey (cooking) was worth the destination (banging). It would have to be if you are coming back for a sequel. If Godfather II, Empire Strikes Back and Evil Dead 2 taught us anything, it’s that the second time can be sweeter than the first. So warm that shit back up for late night spooning. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
December 29, 2010
You will become possessed by the deviled eggs!
The devil sometimes gets a bad rap. Granted the guy is a total dick with his evil powers of manipulation and intentions to enslave mankind. But all those insipid qualities aside, the guy is a smooth operator. One thing I can tell you is the great evil one can cook like the devil. I saw it first hand in a Devil Gone Down to Georgia showdown. Apparently my cooking and banging has gotten his attention. He challenged me after one of my successful evenings cooking up a feast for a delectable date and the inevitable banging that followed. It was Iron Chef in hell. The judges gave us one hour to create a 4-course meal out of this gelatinous food staple of the Underworld called Gorvax. Gorvax is from the potato family, except it is 600 degrees F straight out of volcanic ash and contains barbs sharp enough to cut steel. Naturally the competition was a massive stress ball thanks to the crazy undead camera crew sticking their lenses in my face and cooking station. But I kept faith in myself and cooked my heart out not worrying about the horned one. That devil was so shocked I beat him with my Gorvax 4 four ways, including the Gorvax a la mode with caramelized sugar. I was surprised as you are that the devil did not welsh on our bet. He handed over this recipe for Deviled Eggs that is all the rage among homemakers in hell. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, southern | Tagged: appetizer, bang, crab meat, crab stuffed deviled eggs, delicious, Deviled eggs recipe, dijon mustard, easy, egg whites, eggs, finger food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, mayonnaise, naked, paprika, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, southern, starter, tasty, yolk, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 17, 2010
Behold the tower of porn...flakes.
Cue the 70’s porn funk as you stroll into the room. You got that sexy someone in one arm, an armful of cornflake magic in the other. The only thing holding you back is your fragile sense of morals. Toss them aside onto the shag carpeting and become the porn star you always wanted to be. Remember on career day in middle school when everyone announced plans to be doctors, firemen and an account like my dad? Not you. You announced to your aghast teacher and clueless classmates that you would be delivering money shots on cue from 5 different angles while stroking your mustache. So what if that didn’t technically work out? No harm in pretending so long as you have a willing partner. But that’s why you have the Porn-Flake Friskees, to lure in your co-star. Lights, camera, BANG! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, RECIPES, southern, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: 70’s porn, amateur, bang, butter, career day, cookie, cornflake, cornflake krispie recipe, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, fruit, fruity cornflake krispie, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, marshmallow, money shot, morals, mustache, naked, porn, Porn-flake friskees recipe, porno, pornography, pornstar, recipe, seduce, sex, shag carpeting, strawberries, sugary, sweets, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 1, 2010
That's the musty smell of a quickie, not the fishy scent of the sandwich.
Who says quickies can’t be romantic, satisfying and straight up sexy? Clearly these pantywaists have never gone home on a lunch break to bang like a jackhammer fast, furious and effective. Those who do know relish that all-too-familiar feeling of awesomeness when you get back to the office, grinning ear to ear. Your coworkers will assume that you ate a great sandwich, which is technically true. The fact that you made sandwiches between the sheets is beside the point. Between driving home, banging like a thoroughbred and then driving back to work, time to eat is limited. Lucky for you there are fast, simple, refreshing meals like this sandwich to recharge your battery for the long afternoon that lies ahead. Plus you are putting leftovers from last night to work. Pat yourself on the back for being so resourceful. You are an inspiration to us all! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, fusion, healthy, mexican, RECIPES, seafood, SINWICHES, southern, spicy | Tagged: afternoon quickie, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, blackened catfish, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, fish sandwich recipe, fish wrap, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, jackhammer, kitchen, leftover fish, lettuce, libido, lunch break, naked, on the go, pantywaist, papaya salsa, pita, quickie fishy sinwich recipe, recharge, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, thoroughbred, wrap, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 27, 2010
Go Big Pimpin' or go home alone.
Sometimes you gotta big time your salads. Sure you could serve your date up a simple green salad. But unless you’re following it up with some bodacious entrée, that date of yours will lose interest long before dessert. And that’s if they don’t fall asleep face-first in your uninspired salad. That is why I went all big pimpin’ with this salad. The hot Chiquita bonita I had over wanted something slamming that would not be expanding her sexy backside. Aye yi, la Capitan! The result: our expectations (her appetite; my libido) were surpassed. I might as well have been drinking Chardonnay out of a pimp chalice with the Cook To Bang logo written in diamonds. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, Cajun, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, seafood, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, barbecue, bbq sauce, bbq seasoning, bbq shrimp salad recipe, big pimpin’ bbq shrimp salad, big pimping, big time, bodacious, calivirgin, chardonnay, Chiquita bonita, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, greens, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, libido, naked, olive oil, pimp chalice, recipe, red wine vinegar, salad, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, tasty, tomato, toss your salad, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 9, 2009
Squash all resistance to your charms!
Some knucklehead who probably hasn’t seen a naked woman since his subscription to National Geographic ran out told me squash ain’t sexy. Granted it doesn’t pack the same luscious sex appeal as an oyster or fig, but damnit, squash has gotten me laid plenty of times. Squash is the perfect fall ingredient to prep you for the cold winter that lies ahead. They are inexpensive, tasty and versatile as a bisexual Cirque du Soleil performer. My problem is that I keep going back to my classic squash dishes. But you gotta break out of routine, no matter how awesome that routine might be, if you hope to attain glory. This little Frankenstein’s monster brought honor to my family; my reputation as a lady-slayer stands untarnished. It was spicy, sweet and comforting all at the same time. My one caution is that this side dish very well may outclass the rest of your meal. So cook with bravado!
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Hot Cider with a splash of bourbon
Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 apple
2. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
3. 1 dash salt
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
6. 3 petit pan squash
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2 large handfuls shredded mozzarella
9. 3 garlic cloves sliced thinly
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice the ends off the globe squash and cut into thin rounds. Do the same for the petit pan squash. Toss the squash with the garlic, olive oil, cayenne pepper and salt. Lay them out in a large flat baking pan.
Step 2
Core and slice up the apple into thin slices. Lay them evenly over the squash and season with cinnamon. Scatter the cheese across evenly and you’re ready to rumble.
Step 3
Throw the casserole in the oven and bake until the apples and squash soften, and the cheese melts (approx 30 min).
Serve as a kickass side to any number of outstanding ENTRÉES. You could eat it solo, it’s that good.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, southern, spicy, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple, bake, bang, banging, bisexual, bravado, calivirgin, casserole, cayenne pepper, cheese, cinnamon, cirque du soleil, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frankenstein’s monster, game changer, garlic, get laid, globe squash, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mozzarella, naked, naked woman, national geographic, olive oil, petit pan squash, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, spicy squash casserole, squash, squashtacular, tasty, toss, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 23, 2009
Raw and raunchy is was better than being blah and paunchy!
It has indeed been an oyster filled wonderland here at COOK TO BANG these last few weeks. I would apologize and offer some sort of assurance that something like this will never happen again. But I’m not some sucker embarrassed by the fact that I have a strong passion for sexy foods and sexier times. Oyster are among my favorite ingredients not only for that unique taste and texture, but because you rarely see aphrodisiacs effects demonstrated quite so obviously. You know that when you serve a plate of raw oysters, raunchy things are sure to follow. It’s almost like an unspoken contract two people enter into when the plate of raw goodness arrives at the table. You both accept that any frolicking that follows is not only appropriate, but expected. A word to the unwilling: refuse to eat or order them if you are going to be a prude buzzkill. For the rest of you lovelies, shuck and jive all the way to bed!
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: White wine or just about any LIBATION LUBRICATION
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ dozen raw OYSTERS
2. 2 tbsp red wine vinegar
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. ¼ lemon
5. 1 pinch BASIL finely chopped
6. 1 pinch onion finely chopped
7. 1 pinch GINGER finely chopped
8. 1 micro pinch CHILI finely chopped
Step 1
Create the oyster dip by mixing the red wine vinegar, onion, ginger, basil, lemon juice, black pepper and chili. Serve up with the raw oysters and let the naughty games begin!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, buzzkill, chili, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frolicking, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, New Orleans, onion, oyster sauce recipe, Raw & raunchy oysters recipe, recipe, red wine vinegar, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, southern, tart, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 26, 2009
Unleash the banging beast from your Cajun soul!
There’s a ragin’ Cajun in each of us eager to get out and start bangin’. Even those who’ve never been down south around Louisiana parts have one. It’s in the fine print of your body’s owners’ manual. He or she comes out every once in a while after you’ve fed yourself enough spicy food. It tingles at first, and before you know it, your body has been possessed like in some voodoo incantation ceremony. Your body dances, shakes, drinks and bangs to some mysterious West Indian drum beat. Those who know you best won’t recognize the crazy person speaking in barely coherent tongues. The words you say will fall somewhere between English, French, and marbles in your mouth. But don’t you worry. As soon as your ragin’ Cajun is done bangin’, they’ll become dormant and leave you to clean up the aftermath. Should you wake up next to some sexy, you’re welcome. If you wake up in jail, I ain’t paying your bail.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $11
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a BANGARITA
Ingredients:
1. 1 lb of SHRIMP
2. ½ tsp of Cajun seasoning
3. 1 tbsp of vegetable oil
4. 1 small handful of chopped celery
5. 1 tbsp of fresh chopped ginger
6. 2 cloves of chopped garlic
Step 1
Sauté the garlic, ginger and celery with vegetable oil on medium-high heat (approx 2 min).
Step 2
Peel the tails and shells from the shrimp. Sauté the shrimp in the oil until they pinken (approx 2 min per side). Sprinkle Cajun seasoning other the shrimp and cook in the flavor (approx 1 min).
Serve it up on a plate solo or with some SPANKING SPANISH RICE.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, IT’S ON!-TREES, seafood, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, bangin’ Cajun shrimp recipe, banging, Cajun, Cajun shrimp recipe, ceremony, crazy person, delicious, DIY, easy, English, food, french, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, incantation, intercourse, jail, kitchen, libido, Louisiana, naked, New Orleans, owner’s manual, raging Cajun shrimp recipe, recipe, seduce, sex, spicy, tasty, true blood, vampires, voodoo, west Indian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 30, 2009
Who get's freaky? Who do? You do! Now freaky fry your way to shangri la!
Ain’t nothing wrong with getting a little freaky in the kitchen. I get freaky every time I walk across the linoleum. Sometimes I’ll grind against my oven, do the old in-out with my cupboards, or just stick my hand all up in my freezer just because. Sure I could act my age and treat the kitchen with reverence usually saved for a church. But to me, my kitchen is my church and I am a goddamn pagan. Getting freaky with two chicken breasts is my way of giving thanks for all the bounty and booty that comes my way. So ladies, won’t you join me in this freaky heathen worship of the sweet and the savory? This chicken is baked, so it is far less fatty. That means we can get way more chatty, before I drive you batty with desire. So don’t be bratty or catty about getting freaky. It’s natural and oh so delicioso!
Total time: approximately 70 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a margarita
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of Cornflakes
2. 1 tablespoon of milk
3. 1 egg
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of pepper
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 1 green onion chopped finely
8. 1 handful of shredded Parmesan
9. 2 tablespoons of butter
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Dump the cornflakes into a bowl and punch them into submission. Mix in the Parmesan, green onions, pepper, and salt. In a separate bowl, mix together the egg and milk.
Step 2
Pat dry the chicken breasts. Dip them in the egg/milk mixture and then stick the meat in the cornflake breading mixture, making sure both sides are coated. Place in a baking pan. Melt the butter in a pan and pour it over the breaded chicken. Throw it all into the oven and bake until the chicken is crispy on the outside and cooked through on the inside (approx 1 hour).
Serve with GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.
Leave a Comment » | IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, southern | Tagged: baked, Baked cornflake fried chicken recipe, baked fried chicken, bang, batty, bird, bratty, butter, catty, chatty, church, cornflake fried chicken, cornflakes, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, fatty, food, game changer, get laid, getting freaky, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthier, heathen, homemade, intercourse, Kellogg’s, kitchen, linoleum, low fat, milk, naked, pagan, parmesan, pepper, poultry, protein, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 27, 2009
Become the Lord of the Onion Rings
It’s hard to say no to someone who is fun and young (and legal, obviously). The same goes for a delicious side order liked baked onion rings. These finger foods are lower in fat so it doesn’t feel like a brick floating in your rotting guts. That’s one less reason to not get laid. These will keep you satisfied, but limber enough to make your move. Your date won’t complain about these rings being too oily and ruining their favorite outfit when you put your ungreasy paws all over them. So grope away like Frodo, the Lord of the Onion Rings.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or soda
Ingredients:
1. 1 cup of cornflakes
2. 1 teaspoon of Cajun seasoning
3. 1 tablespoon of sugar
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. 1 egg
6. 1 onion cut into ½ rounds, then rings separated
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. First crush the cornflakes without pulverizing them. Combine together with Cajun seasoning, salt and sugar. In a separate bowl, beat an egg thoroughly. Dip the separated onion rings in the egg and then the cornflake breading.
Step 2
Lay each dipped onion ring on a greased baking sheet. Throw into the oven and cook until the breading is crispy and clings to the onions (approx 20-25 min). Use a spatula to pry each onion ring off. Serve them up on a plate with your favorite condom-ment or with a SINWICH.
2 Comments | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, southern, vegetarian | Tagged: baked, Baked onion rings recipe, bang, barely legal, Cajun seasoning, carboluscious, cornflake onion rings, cornflakes, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, food, Frodo, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lord of the rings, lotr, low fat, naked, onion, onion rings recipe, oven, recipe, rotting guts, rounds, run young onion rings, salt, seduce, sex, side order, sugar, tasty, ungreasy, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 