vegetarian | Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid

INHALE MY KALE

January 4, 2016

I challenge even the healthiest crackpot ninny out there to call this dish fattening. What you are looking at it is a plate turbo-charged with nutritional awesomeness. Do not let that sway you from indulging in this delightful treat. Eating this uber-healthy dish is similar to sex: it feels good, yet is actually great for you. The same can’t be said about crack cocaine or reality television. Those vices are fun until you find yourself living in an alley mimicking the Hiltons, Hogans or Kardashians. My advice is to stick to kale steaming and orgasm screaming. Read the rest of this entry »

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ROCKS OFF DETOX BROCCOLI SOUP

January 1, 2016

Detox so you can always get your rocks off

Cooking to Bang can often lead to some nasty habits like drinking, fornicating and eating after midnight. Some scientists claim that indulging your every whim can be harmful to your health. Bully to that. But just in case you are seek a cleansing, Cook To Bang has something silky smooth for the sinner in all of us. Think of this soup as an elixir that can grant you eternal innocence. Every unspeakable carnal act you performed in the heat of the moment shall be absolved by the soup’s all-forgiving nutrients. Allow the garlic and cayenne pepper to clear your sinuses and conscience. The broccoli and cauliflower will mainline you with calcium and scoop out cancer-causing gunk holding your prowess back. Lastly the lemon will wash away the sins leaving your body and soul shiny like it went through the car wash. You’re good to go. Have fun abusing yourself and we’ll see you again soon. Next! Read the rest of this entry »

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SANTA’S REVENGE FRENCH TOAST

December 24, 2015

"Where the ho ho ho's at?" - Santa Clause, December 25, 2009

Santa has been a dirty dog. Getting all up in people’s chimneys, drinking their eggnog and kissing mommy. That fat bastard has quite the racket going on. He pretends to be a jolly fat man spreading toys and joys around. But that’s just a cover so he can bang every MILF he can get his sick sausage fingers on. Homeboy gets right into your house, chimney or no, throws some chintzy toys his worker elves made in the North Pole AKA a Chinese sweatshop, and is banging your momma underneath the Christmas tree your family so innocently decorated. And what does he leave behind as a calling card? Cookie crumbs and a half-drank glass of eggnog. But now’s your chance to show the holly jolly sex-fiend who’s boss. Sure he banged your mom in your own house. But that doesn’t mean you can’t use the leftover eggnog to make French toast on Christmas morning. Think of it as a way for your family to bounce back and avoid becoming yet another home broken by Santa Clause. And if Santa just banged your girlfriend or wife instead, take heart that she was probably star-struck, like banging a Backstreet Boy in their hey day. Read the rest of this entry »

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GIFT TO BANG #1 – RADICALLY ROASTED PEPPERS

December 22, 2015

I roasted these peppers just for you, baby!

The economy has had a swift kick in the nuts for every consumer rich and poor. The holidays are here and gifts need to be exchanged. Your lovers are no exception. The holidays are a great time to clean house of the more shameful members of your roster. Give them nothing but a booty text with a holiday reference like “How’s my ho ho ho?” But you may have one or two (or three or thirty) that you’d like to see more of in the New Year. You gotta pony up sometimes, which doesn’t necessarily have to cost money. Purchasing jewelry, lingerie or a personalized bowling ball can easily land you in trouble, especially if your give Tina the panties meant for Rochelle. That’s why a culinary DIY project can bring a nice personal touch that reminds them once again what a phenomenal cook and lover you are. Making some transportable food sends just the right message. You won’t set up grand expectations or be considered stingy, just a matter of fact, “I think you are terrific and hope to bang you in the new year.”

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GIFT TO BANG – HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE

December 21, 2015

: Put down the crackberry. Try the Chipotle Blackberry.

So now you’re down to the wire now. You blew all your cash on gifts for the family and forgot about that certain someone who’s been keeping your bed warm at night. Whoops! Soon you will be going your separate ways giving each of you time to think and reflect. This could be a very bad thing if you leave on a inconsiderate cheapskate note. Giving them nothing likely will result in not getting some for a while if not ever. Considering the holiday rush at the stores for anything worth a damn, why not skip all that noise? Save time and money by getting DIY with some jarring, player. HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE offers an aphrodisiac double threat with the chipotle chili kick and blackberry antioxidant money shot. It’s spicy, it’s sweet, it’s versatile. Spread it on a sandwich, marinate meat and fish and grill, turn it into a sexy salad dressing with some vinegar. Hand all your special someones a jar to remember you by, with luck a part of you will be in their mouth even months later (if you pressure seal the jars). Let jarring begin!

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MÉNAGE À TOFU TRIANGLES

December 18, 2015

There's room for one more, three's never a crowd.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have a hard time saying no to a three-way. Even if that just means three-sided tofu treats, I’m down. So many good things come in threes. Comedy gold is done in trifecta. My favorite nights of carnal connections involved a third party. Clearly three is company and never a crowd. And what better way to ignite such an evening of exploration and fornication than with some edible treats? These tofu triangles are classy, sassy and won’t leave you gassy. Plus you can appeal to the free loving hippie in all of us by serving tofu. A little curiosity never hurt no one no how! Read the rest of this entry »

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GRAB ASS GRAPEFRUIT SALAD

December 9, 2015

Grab ass graciously.

How about a little game of grab ass? With an ass that fine I imagine you’ll be doing a shit ton of grabbing. But how do you grab a handful of cheek without coming off like a perv? First off, you shouldn’t care if they assume you’re perv. The Cook To Bang readership is all pervs and I love you all for your debauchery. But in the effort to maintain a non-creepy mystique, here’s my suggestion: serve this salad. Then blame the grapefruit. All that vitamin C is going straight to your head and making you perform irrationally. Taking a firm hold of their bum is the only natural reaction one could expect with all those healthy ingredients. Chances are that your date will be just as randy since they too indulged. So go with it and grab ass! Read the rest of this entry »

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TRUFFLE SHUFFLE GRILLED CHEESE

December 4, 2015

Avoid getting into scuffles when you truffle shuffe.

While CTB has already done the GRATUITOUS GRILLED CHEESE SINWICH to great fanfare, one gourmet grilled cheese sandwich just isn’t enough. Anyone whose been to a grilled cheese contest can tell you there’ more than one way to melt congealed milk. At the GRILLED CHEESE INVITATIONAL, I learned that there are as many variations on the grilled cheese as positions in the Kama Sutra. Since CTB is not about to make grilled cheese the exclusive format, allow me to present this grilled piece of awesome for your dining pleasure. In the interest of full disclosure, I just got truffle oil and am totally and positively gay for it. A little dab works like a super lube, revving up the sexy time explosions in your mouth. Alas, I applied the glorious oil to a grilled cheese lunch. I took my first bite while standing and nearly lost my footing. Luckily the girl I was cooking for was able to break my fall or I would have knocked over the precious truffle elixir and likely licked it straight off the floor. By the time we gobbled down our sinwiches, we danced a shuffle from the kitchen into the bedroom without bothering to wash our hands first. Read the rest of this entry »

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PLANTAIN CHIP PARTY TRAIN

November 30, 2015

The plantain train is leaving the station with or without you!

All aboard! This party train is headed for your Caribbean culinary connection. Expect steel drums, tropical breezes and dreadlocks. When you aren’t shaking your booty to some live reggae, you can stuff your face with this CARBOLUSCIOUS treats. The banana’s larger, oven-friendly cousin will capture the island spirit. Baking it makes it a guilt-free snack or compliment to your ENTRÉE. Plantains are inexpensive, robust and totally awesome. Your date won’t expect such a delicious twist. Now do as Bob Marley commands and get with the kinky reggae now! Read the rest of this entry »

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BANGSGIVING: HUMPIN’ & PUMPKIN PIE

November 25, 2015

I’ll be humping and pumpkin out pies all night long!

Bangsgiving is upon us! It’s time to prepare yourself for a night of indulgence. While the family-values singles makes their way home to justify to their families why they aren’t married with kids yet, there is a large sect of the dating population that ain’t going nowhere. Friends Thanksgivings are a time for those of us “orphans” too poor, lazy or unwilling to make the trek to see our disapproving families. These are perfect times for the savvy and horny people to eat, drink and make merry mistakes. There are usually a few hotties missing their folks back home who will need some comforting. That’s where you come in! Blow their mind with a pumpkin pie bolder and sexier (aphrodisiac triple-threat) than even Aunt Sue-Ellen’s prized pie of ‘07. Once they’ve tasted a sweet piece of heaven, they will go for seconds…of you.

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Fermented turkey gravy or NAUGHTY EGGNOG

Ingredients (creates 2 pies):
1. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
2. 20-OZ condensed milk
3. ½ tsp salt
4. 1/3 cup HONEY
5. 1 cinnamon stick
6. 1 tsp vanilla extract
7. 1 tsp ground nutmeg
8. 4 eggs
9. 1 pie pumpkin
10. ½ cup brown sugar
11. 2 pie crusts (room temperature)
12. 1 tbsp fresh GINGER finely chopped
13. 1 tbsp unsalted butter

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 425°F/220°C. Slice the pumpkin in half, scoop out the innards, steam until the pumpkin meat can easily be pierced (approx 15 min), and then scoop the gunk out of the shell.

Step 2
Add the ginger to the pumpkin gunk and puree. Add the brown sugar, butter, honey, vanilla extract, nutmeg, condensed milk, salt and eggs and puree like a champ.

Step 3
Form the pie crust to your pie pan. Ladle in the pie filling, leaving room at the top. Stick the cinnamon stick in the middle of the pie in the dough so it stands at attention as if being aroused.

Step 4
Bake for 10 minutes, remove from the oven and scatter the pine nuts over the top. Turn the heat down to 350°F/175°C and throw the pie back into oven, baking until the top browns and you can push a bread knife into the pie and it comes out clean (approx 45-55 min).