July 16, 2009
This wrap is both Sexy and environmentally friendly!
Calling all hippie hotties! They are few and far between. Most of these moonbeaming beauties’ looks have faded away like Jerry. Yoga and clean living have saved a few, not to mention the new recruits who haven’t become jaded by the man keeping them down. To those I merely say, “You hungry for some like totally dank organic yumminess?” Bring that free lovin’ attitude of yours and a bottle of something “heady”. I’ll crank some Dead bootlegs that I’ve been hording for just such trip down the hairy rabbit hole. Keep on keeping on down the road now. Take a wrap for the road you’ll be “Truckin’.”
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 handfuls lettuce chopped coarsely
2. 4 steamed BEETS chopped in rounds
3. 2 tbsp salad dressing (chef’s choice)
4. 2 burrito-sized tortillas
5. 2 veggie burgers
6. 1 small handful slivered almonds
7. 3 1 tomato chopped coarsely
8. 1 small handful or feta cheese.
Step 1
First grill or pan-fry the veggie burgers and cut them up with the spatula.
Step 2
Assemble the wrap in a long thin line across the tortilla laying out the lettuce, beets, tomato, almonds, feta cheese and veggie burger. Add any dressing or sauce.
Step 3
Wrap them up folding the tortilla a third of the way over, fold over the left and right ends, and roll it over the top. Cut the wraps in half.
Serve up the wraps solo or with some SOUP.
1 Comment | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, hippie, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vegetarian | Tagged: almonds, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, beets, bootlegs, burrito, dairy, dank, delicious, DIY, easy, feta cheese, food, game changer, garden burger, get laid, gourmet, Grateful Dead, guarantee, healthy, hippie burger, hippie hotties bohemians, homemade, intercourse, Jerry Garcia, kitchen, lettuce, libido, moonbeaming, naked, organic, recipe, salad dressing, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, to go, tomato, tortilla, truckin’, vegetarian, veggie burger, veggie burger wrap recipe, veggie wrap, wrap that hippie burger up tight recipe, yoga, yumminess, yummy | 
Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 23, 2009
Smelly fish in my belly.
I recognize that smell anywhere. Every time she walks by me my nose piques up. Yep, there she goes again. Tuna fish patrol on the prowl. Most guys are repulsed by pungent poonany. But they don’t have the culinary kink you develop being surrounded by food. People’s filthy minds wander to sex when they eat food with certain aromas. My mind wanders to food when I’m banging someone emanating various aromas. The fact the girl in question smells a bit fishy only made me hungrier for meat from the sea. While my friends dissed the funky-scented hottie, I invited her over for tuna burgers. My whole house smelled like tuna anyway so I couldn’t smell the difference when we went from Cook To Bang.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: MELLOW JELL-O MAKES’EM BELLOW
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can of TUNA
2. ½ tbsp olive oil
3. Mayonnaise to taste
4. 2 hamburger buns
5. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
6. 1 small handful of cilantro chopped coarsely
7. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
8. ½ lime
9. 1 egg
10. ½ a Serrano CHILI diced finely
Step 1
Drain the tuna and mix it thoroughly with the green onions, cilantro, chilies and egg.
Step 2
Form two burgers, pressing them together tightly. Pan-fry the burgers in olive oil on medium heat, flipping once so both sides brown (approx 3 min per side).
Step 3
Assemble the burgers by toasting the buns, slathering them with mayonnaise and avocado. Slide the tuna patties in, slap them together and slice in half.
Serve them up solo, with salad or some TOTALLY SWEET POTATO FRIES.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, SINWICHES, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, aromas, avocado, bang, banging, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, fishy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, grilled tuna patties, guarantee, hamburger buns, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, mayonnaise, naked, olive oil, pan-fry, pungent poonany, quick, recipe, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chil, sex, smells like tuna, spicy, tasty, tuna, tuna burger recipe, tuna sandwich, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 16, 2009
Tickle tickle, don't be fickle fickle.
Ooh, baby! You know how I like it! A gentle tickle while I my groove gets on and on and on. It’s the little things in life that give us the most pleasure. I don’t need no plasma screen, limousine, nor sports team. All I need is your soft touch on my most special of areas. Not too gentle, not too rough. That’s it. That’s exactly how we approach this simple chicken ENTRÉE. A few extra steps result make the classic baked chicken into a magnum opus of flavorful pleasure. Sure we could get our panties in a bunch making something uber-gourmet multi-step dish. But sometimes simple and succulent is sexy. So what are you waiting for? These walnuts aren’t going to tickle themselves!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: White wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 small handful of fresh BASIL
2. 1 handful of crushed walnuts
3. 1 tsp of paprika
4. 2 chicken breasts
5. ½ a lemon
6. 1 egg
Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Marinate the chicken breasts in lemon juice and paprika (approx 15 min). Whisk an egg in one bowl and combine chopped up basil and walnuts in another bowl.
Step 2
Dip each marinated chicken breast in the whisked egg and then dip both sides into the walnut mixture. Place the chicken in a greased baking pan. Cover the chicken tops with the remaining walnuts. Pour the remaining egg over it and bake until the chicken cooks through and the walnuts form a crust (approx 30 min).
Serve up on a bed of spinach or your favorite CARBOLUSCIOUS side dish.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, atkins, bake, baked chicken with walnuts, bang, banging, basil, chicken breasts, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, entree, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, limousine, magnum opus, naked, nuts, paprika, plasma screen, recipe, seduce, sex, simple, sports team, tasty, tickle my nuts, tickle my walnuts recipe, walnut chicken recipe, Walnut crusted chicken recipe, walnuts, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 8, 2009
This fish dish offers thrills, grills, and hopefully no spills.
Some naysayers will claim that salmon is a boring fish to eat. So predictable, so typical, so uninspired. You have my permission to give them an atomic wedgie for believing they think outside of the box. These people haven’t left the box since slap bracelets were in. Salmon is only as boring as the chef cooking with it. Think of it salmon as a blank canvas for a painter or a mold of clay for a sculptor. You could just paint a still life or sculpt a symmetrical vase. But you could also create something groundbreaking that will shake the art world to its self-righteous core. Now translate that “fuck the norm” attitude to your culinary creations. Throw some flare into that fish and your night’s post-curricular activities will be rated for Mature audiences only due to nudity, sexual content and adult language. Violence will be notably absent.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $14
Drinking Buddy: White wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tsp of sea salt
2. 8-ounces of dry penne pasta
3. 3 tbsp of olive oil
4. 1 lb SALMON filet
5. 1 handful of sliced mushrooms
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful of fresh ROSEMARY
8. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. 1 lemon halved
Step 1
If you are grilling with charcoal, get the coals going. Marinate the salmon in 2 tbsp of olive oil, pluck the rosemary from the sprig and squeeze ½ the lemon over it.
Step 2
Boil the penne al dente, seasoning the water with olive oil and sea salt (approx 10 min). While you wait for the pasta to boil, move onto Step 3. When the pasta is ready, drain and mix it in with sautéed veggies in Step 3.
Step 3
Sauté the garlic and onion with the remaining olive oil on medium heat. Mix in the mushrooms and sauté it all with sea salt ½ tsp of salt until they are soft (approx 6 min).
Step 4
When the charcoal or gas grill is ready, throw the marinated fish on. Pour the excess marinade over the fish and put on the lid. Grill until the outside of the fish whitens and the inside is a pinkish white (approx 5 min). 
Serve pieces of salmon over plates of pasta and squeeze the remaining lemon.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: Alaskan salmon, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, bbq, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, fish, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, grilled, grilled salmon over pasta recipe, grilled salmon recipe, guarantee, healthy, herb, homemade, intercourse, italian, kitchen, lemon, libido, line caught, marinate, mushrooms, naked, ocean, olive oil, onion, pasta, penne, recipe, rosemary, rosemary salmon, salmon, sauté, sea, sea salt, seafood, seduce, sex, simple pasta, summer, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 4, 2009
Whatever, however, whoever. Just Cook To Bang.
Admittedly, this salad’s title kind of blows. Not even with the steroids I scored from Manny Ramirez can I always bat 1000. But this salad neither blew nor sucked. It was totally off the hook yet totally unplanned. I found out way too late that the young lady who came over for dinner was a militant vegetarian. Something about a misdemeanor for chaining herself to a fur coat store in college. Note to self: stop picking up girls at yoga class. The killer SALMON DISH that is a shoe-in CTB was well out. But the consolation prize was she loved feta cheese. So into the fridge I went and in a moment of panic grabbed everything that looked like feta-friendly. The salad before you is whatever was in the fridge and it was awesome. My hippie crusader chained herself to my bed to protest us running out.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE
Ingredients:
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 pinch of herbs de Provence
4. 1 handful of kalamata olives
5. ½ lemon
6. 2 endives
7. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
9. 1 steamed red BEET sliced thinly
10. Steamed ASPARAGUS
11. 1 small handful of feta cheese (leave out to make vegan)
Step 1
First you must prep the vegetables. Break the romaine lettuce apart every two inches and wash it all. Slice up the endives every inch or so. Also cut the asparagus every inch or so.
Step 2
Combine the sliced endives, romaine lettuce, tomatoes, beets, olives, crumbled feta cheese, Herbs de Provence, olive oil, and lemon juice in a large bowl. Toss that salad like a pro.
Serve it up to even the crunchiest of guests.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, fusion, greek, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, Mediterranean, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: Antoine salad, bang, banging, baseball, college, crusader, dairy, delicious, DIY, dodgers, easy, endives, feta cheese, food, fur, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, healthy, healthy salad recipe, heart healthy, herbs de Provence, hippie, homemade, intercourse, kalamata olives, kitchen, lemon, libido, los angeles, Manny Ramirez, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, random salad, recipe, romaine lettuce, seduce, sex, steamed asparagus, steamed red beet, tasty, tomatoes, vegetarian, whatever was in the fridge salad recipe, yoga class, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 11, 2009
The stuffed pepper party train has left the station!
It’s time to throw down! The week ain’t over yet, but you’re leady to let the dogs out. Woof to the M-F’ing woof! I suggest you get funky in the kitchen rather than unleash potentially rabid beasts onto the populace. Sure it may not be as thrilling as sending cooped up canines out into your neighborhood to attack mailmen and Xanaxed housewives alike. You will however avoid a lawsuit and a stern warning from animal control. Why not invite someone sexy over for a little party for two instead? What better way to do that than with bell peppers, chicken and apples? I do declare you are both in for a treat! Once you guys stuff yourselves with these aphrodisiac-stuffed peppers, it’s time for someone to get stuffed. Don’t be surprised if those same dogs howl along with as you both scream pleasurable expletives into the night. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, SEDUCTION | Tagged: animal control, aphrodisiac, apple, bake, bang, banging, basil, calivirgin, canine, chicken apples stuffed bell peppers, chicken breast, delicious, DIY, dogs, easy, food, game changer, get laid, get stuffed, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, housewives, howl, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, lawsuit, libido, mailmen, naked, olive oil, pine nuts, recipe, red bell pepper, red wine vinegar, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, Stuffed bell pepper recipe, stuffed pepper party, tasty, who let the dogs out?, woof, xanax, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 21, 2009
Fondle by candle light
Some prudes blanch at the idea of being touched, let alone being fondled. That is their beast of repressive burden to carry. Personally, I enjoy being fondled with regularity. What can I say? I’m a giver. I am always ready to offer up something phallic to the ladies on my CTB wish list. While this dish doesn’t look quite so fresh and so clean as a SALAD, it does tastes like it came out of an Italian mother’s kitchen. Every bite makes me want to sing an operatic falsetto because the taste is just too much of a good thing. Take advantage of this dish’s power and make me proud, old sport.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. ½ teaspoon of salt
4. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
5. 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
6. 2 diced tomatoes
7. 1 green pepper cut into long strips
8. 1 onion cut into long strips
9. 5 sausage links (chicken or veggie sausage OK)
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely.
Step 1
Warm the olive oil up in a large pan or wok. Toss in the garlic and allow to cook (approx 2 minutes). In the mean time, slice the sausages in half and set them skin side down in the oil. Flip once so the other has of sausage cooks (approx 2 minutes per side).
Step 2
Next toss in the onions, peppers and tomato, then stir in some pepper, salt and crushed red pepper. Pour the wine in and cook everything on low until the wine evaporates (approx 20 minutes).
Step 3
Toast some bread if you like. Split the toast and scatter them neatly on the plate. Serve up some Sausage and Pepper and sing Ave Maria!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Mediterranean, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, black pepper, crushed red pepper flakes, delicious, DIY, easy, entree, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green peppers, guarantee, healthy, hearty, homemade, intercourse, Italy, kitchen, Mediterranean, naked, olve oil, onion, recipe, salt, Sausage & peppers recipe, sausage links, seduce, sex, tasty, tomatoes, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 1, 2009
Don’t forget to mushroom tip your waitress!
Can you feel the rhythm? It starts with your hips going back and forth like a metronome. Feel it flow out to every point in your body. You and your date are under the spell of the mushroom. There is nothing either of you can do but let go. Dance, fool, dance! Your bodies will pulsate and writhe together. The warm embrace of the soup will inspire you two to become as one…for a half hour or so. It is for your benefit that you carry on. This mystical culinary potion has no fat to speak of. The natural flavor will cause your brain’s synapse to snap, crackle, and pop in a pleasure-filled frenzy. My advice: Take advantage of this recipe while it remains 100% legal. No doubt there is some buzz killer on the mission to make this soup contraband because it’s too sexy for their conservative closed minds.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can of chicken broth
2. ½ cup of sherry
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 teaspoon of salt
5. 1 leek
6. ½ pound of fresh shitake mushrooms
7. ½ pound of white mushrooms
8. 2 small handfuls of raw walnuts
9. 3 garlic cloves minced
Step 1
Wash off the leek, trim the edges off, spit it down the middle and chop coarsely. Wash the mushrooms thoroughly and chop them coarsely.
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil in a stockpot on medium-high heat. Sauté the garlic and leeks until the shrink down and become translucent (approx 3 minutes). Add in the mushrooms, salt and sherry and cook the mushrooms down until they soften (approx 5 minutes).
Step 3
Dump in the chicken stock, bring it to a boil, and then simmer the goodies covered with a lid on low until the mushrooms absorb the liquid (approx 15 minutes). Gently puree the mushrooms, leaving some chunks intact. Serve it up with a small handful of walnuts over each bowl.
Leave a Comment » | healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, boom shalaklak boom, chicken broth, crackle, delicious, DIY, easy, flavorful, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hearty, homemade, HOT LIQUID LOVE, house of pain, intercourse, kitchen, leek, legal, low fat, metronome, mushroom soup, naked, olive oil, pop, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, sex, sherry, shitake, Shroom shalaklak boom soup recipe, shrooms, snap, soup, tasty, walnuts, warm, white mushrooms, wild mushroom soup recipe, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 26, 2009
Wake and Bake!
My honey’s got it going on. She knows just how to handle my fruit. Ooh, baby! You know just how to peel ‘em naked, rub ‘em down with your sticky icky, and then heat ‘em up. Dessert will never be the same. Every bite is crazy healthy and bursting with flavor G spots. Hot damn! We can indulge all our flavor fantasies guilt-free. No one can judge us because we are technically playing by the rules. The calorie police don’t have to know how much pleasure we’re soaking up. It’s none of their taste-hating business what we bake behind closed doors. So enjoy with reckless abandon just because you can. It will be our little secret.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: HOT COCOA or a HOT TODDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 3 tablespoons of HONEY
2. ½ a lemon of juice
3. 4 Fuji apples
4. 1 cinnamon stick
5. 1 pinch of cloves
6. Plain yogurt to pour on top of apples (not pictured)*
*Optional
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Peel the apples and cut halves off each side, leaving the cores intact. Cut the smaller slivers off each core. Add all the apple meat to a small baking pan with the cut sides up.
Step 2
Warm up a pan on medium heat. Squeeze in the lemon, and then add the cinnamon stick, cloves and honey. Mix it together and allow the spices to soak into the liquid. Once the mixture bubbles up, remove it from the heat and pour the honey evenly over the apples in the baking pan.
Step 3
Throw the apples in the oven and cook until they soften (approx 20 minutes), and then flip them and bake the other side through (approx 10 minutes), pouring sauce scooped from the baking sheet over the topside. Serve up on plate with a little yogurt if you are so inclined.
Leave a Comment » | british, fusion, greek, healthy, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: apples, baked, bang, calorie police, cinnamon, clove, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, flavor fantasies, g spot, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, healthy baked apples, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lemon juice, low fat, naked, plain yogurt, recipe, rub down, secret, seduce, sex, Spice baked apples recipe, spicy, sweet, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 24, 2009
Put down the chicken breast and no one gets hurt!
Yeah, you heard me! Take your hands off my chicken breasts and amscray! You don’t see me walking around all cavalier and fondling other people’s breasts. What? Well that was consensual! Very very consensual! Oh, and that other time. You got me there. But that was just to draw a laugh. No, I’m not messing with you. You can’t blame me for that! It was a double dog dare! And if I’m not mistaken, she did give me her number. I cooked for her too. We had a great evening and, yes, I did fondle. But she insisted. I was perfectly happy to just play Scrabble and discuss current events. So once again, I’m not in the wrong. You are! Now are you going to put my breasts down so I can grill them or will I have to resort to fisticuffs? I will defend my chicken breasts’ honor and then eat them if it’s the last thing I do!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 1 teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
4. ½ teaspoon of dried basil
5. 2 teaspoons of black pepper
6. ¼ pound of dried Rotelle pasta
7. 3 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 2 handfuls of sliced mushrooms
9. ½ a lemon of juice
10. ½ pound of chicken breast sliced into bite-sized pieces
11. 2 handfuls of bite-sized broccoli pieces
Step 1
Mix up the chicken with the lemon juice and black pepper and allow it to marinate (approx 10 minutes). Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium heat. Then cook the chicken through in it’s own juices until it goes white (approx 6 minutes). Set aside.
Step 2
Heat up the rest of the olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the broccoli and mushrooms with more lemon juice until they soften (approx 4 minutes). Finally add the tomatoes along with a liberal dashing of salt, crushed red pepper and basil, and stew and stir it all down into a sauce (approx 5 minutes).
Step 3
Boil water, cook and drain the pasta al dente. Pour in the pasta in with sauce and stir it up. Crown it all with the lemon pepper chicken, and serve.
1 Comment | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: bang, basil, black pepper, breasts, broccoli, cavalier, chicken, chicken breasts, consensual, crushed red pepper, defend, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, fisticuffs, fondle, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hearty, homemade, honor, intercourse, italian, kitchen, lemon juice, Lemon pepper chicken pasta recipe, lemon pepper chicken recipe, let my people go, mediteraenan, mushrooms, naked, olive oil, pasta, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, tasty, tomatoes, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 