March 9, 2009
Now that I am armed with the Booty Bomb, nothing can stop me. Muahahaha!
Weapons of mass destruction are no doubt dangerous in the hands of terrorists. But what about weapons of mass satisfaction? They also pose a threat in the hands of the common man. I found this out the hard way when I adjusted a simple recipe for eggplant Parmesan. This already awesome dish took my game to DEFCON 5. Suddenly I could cause an orgasm in every woman in a 5 mile-radius as soon as I popped this dish into the oven. The power did in fact go to my head. I became a super-villain indiscriminately bringing beautiful women to their knees in abject pleasure. Lucky for mankind, a douchey superhero known as the Cock-Blocker managed to wipe my memory clean of the ingredients of this recipe. Too bad for that good two-shoes so-called hero, the Freedom of Information Act allows the rest of you access to this powerful dish. Cook with caution!
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients:
1. Salt to taste
2. ½ tablespoon of oregano
3. 3 tablespoons of olive oil
4. 1 28-ounce can of tomatoes
5. 1 large handful of shredded/chopped mozzarella
6. 2 eggs
7. 1 large eggplant cut into 1-inch thick rounds
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful of chopped parsley
10. 3 garlic cloves chopped coarsely
11. ½ cup of flour
12. ¼ cup of shredded Parmesan
13. ½ cup of breadcrumbs
Step 1
Create the sauce by heating up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium-high heat. Sauté the garlic until they whiten (approx 30 seconds). Sauté the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Add salt to taste and parsley and cook in the flavor (approx 1 minute). Add the tomatoes and crush them yourself. Turn the heat down low and allow the sauce to simmer as you move on to Step 2.
Step 2
Create the eggplant batter. First mix up the breading: flour, breadcrumbs, Parmesan and oregano in one bowl. Beat the eggs in a second bowl. Heat up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium-high heat. Dip each eggplant round in the eggs, and then the breading and fry them 4 or five at a time. Flip once after the bottoms brown (approx 2 minutes) and repeat. Set aside on a paper towel to soak up excess oil. Repeat as needed.
Step 3
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lay down a base of sauce in a small baking/casserole dish. Put down a layer of fried eggplants. Place another layer of sauce and eggplants until you have exhausted your supply, laying the last of the sauce on top. Scatter the mozzarella buckshot style over the top and throw in the oven. Bake until the cheese crusts and browns (approx 20 minutes). You are in for a treat! Serve it up solo or with some PASTA.
2 Comments | 
italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Mediterranean, RECIPES | Tagged: baked, baked eggplant parmesan, bang, breadcrumbs, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, Eggplant parmesan recipe, eggs, flour, fried eggplant, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hearty, homemade, intercourse, italian, kitchen, leftovers, Mediterranean, mozzarella, naked, olive oil, onion, oregano, parmesan, parsley, recipe, romantic, salt, sauce, sauté, seduce, sex, tasty, tomato, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
March 4, 2009
Send in the Hostess with the Most-Ass!
This dish most definitely boasts the most ass-paragus. Kim Kardashian ain’t got nothing on this dish. Plus this is way better for you than following the exploits of yet another celebutant. No question about it. It packs such a walloping APHRODISIAC punch that the world falls to its knees to service the asparagus’ needs. Behold, if you can handle it. You instantly class up even the most bland and healthy meals. The phytochemicals in this dish nourish even the filthiest minds, bodies and souls. So reignite the passion in your kitchen and go green!
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what you serve with it.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar
2. 1 pound of asparagus
3. Manchego cheese
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil (not pictured)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Wash off the asparagus and chop the stubby part of the stalks. Cover a bake sheet or pan with tinfoil. Lay out the asparagus neatly with no overlapping. Smother the asparagus with olive oil and roast them in the oven (approx 20 minutes).
Step 2
Once the asparagus is the right soft texture, place them on a serving tray and douse with the balsamic vinegar. Cut up as much manchego cheese as you like and scatter it on top, allowing it to melt a little before serving with a CHICKEN or FISH.
2 Comments | RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asparagus, ass, bake, baking pan, balsamic vinegar, bang, delicious, DIY, douse, easy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kim kardashian, kitchen, leafy and lovely, manchego cheese, manchego cheese asparagus, naked, nourish, olive oil, oven, recipe, Roast asparagus recipe, seduce, sex, shred, side dish, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 3, 2009
Angel, devil, these are just words. We're all sinners. Embrace it!
I may seem like an angel by providing the world with my culinary creations. Despite my commitment to helping my fellow my man and loving my neighbor(‘s wife), I am not a holy roller with a halo floating above my head. Shocking, I know. But take heart. In spite of my lack of high morals and self-righteousness, I do have good intentions. Sure I am perverse and refuse to wait until marriage to indulge in carnal delight. Yet my reader’s happiness and health is of the utmost importance to me. In fact, the United States Surgeon General has appointed me to a task force to get people to eat better and exercise more. Hence, I encourage that all of you of appropriate age (children and elderly need not apply) to COOK TO BANG regularly. Sure some televangelist might condemn me to burn in eternal damnation, but ask yourself this: How cool will the eternal afterlife be with guys with glued on hairweaves telling you what a miserable sinner you are? I’ll take the hot tub in hell packed full of nymphomaniacs.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $6 (excluding wine)
Drinking Buddy: Red or white wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of white wine
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. 1 tablespoon of salt
4. 2 handfuls of cherry tomatoes
5. 3 garlic cloves chopped finely
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. ½ lemon worth of juice
8. Parmesan to your liking
9. 8 ounces of dried angel hair pasta
Step 1
Warm up the olive oil in a decent sized pan on medium-high heat. Sauté the garlic until they whiten (approx 30 seconds), sauté the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes), and then flavor it all with salt. Next cook the cherry tomatoes until they soften (approx 3 minutes), before adding the lemon juice and white wine and allow it to simmer while you move on to Step 2.
Step 2
Bring a large pot of water to a boil and break in the angel hair pasta. Follow the instructions and cook until the pasta becomes al dente. Drain, wash out the excess starch and pour the pasta into the sauce and cook together until heated through. Serve onto alone of with some kickass ENTRÉE. Grate as much Parmesan as you feel worthy.
1 Comment | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: angel hair, Angel hair pasta recipe, bang, carbohydrate, carboluscious, cherry tomatoes, delicious, devil, DIY, easy, fast, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, I ain’t no angel, intercourse, italian, kitchen, lemon, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, parmesan, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, side dish, simple, simple pasta, starch, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 18, 2009
Lay that cod on the bed and cook it's brains out
You’ve been rocking that cod all night. Your filet so cooked it’s crispy from all the heat. You’ve ridden it hard and put it away wet. It’s time to put it to bed…of veggies. Welcome to the CTB jungle, baby! You’re gonna die…from an orgasm overdose. This dish overflows with aphrodisiac-loaded potential for seducing even the most prude of Prudences. Sure the price of ingredients ain’t cheap, but you can’t build a rocket to the moon out of sardine cans from the 99cent store. I tried and crash-landed outside of Tijuana where I got a great FISH TACO. This recipe is quality over quantity for that quality someone you really really want. I warn you that it will be rather HARD to determine which orgasm you prefer. The sexual or culinary? Just consider it a multiple orgasm and be done with it.
*Special shout out to master chef Jane for this audaciously awesome recipe.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $20, but worth every goddamn penny!
Drinking Buddy: White wine; just drink the rest of the bottle (see below)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 Portobello mushroom
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. ½ cup of white wine
4. 1 leek
5. 1 tablespoon of salt
6. Pepper to taste
7. 2 strips of bacon (or turkey or veggie bacon)
8. 2 8-ounce filets of black cod
9. 1 large carrot peeled
10. 1 handful or dried porcini mushrooms
11. 2 garlic cloves minced
Step 1
First you must prep the leeks and Portobello mushrooms that are filthier than your mind. Cut the stem and most of the dark green off the leek, then spilt in half and wash them thoroughly, being sure to wash out the grit between the folds, then chopping thin slices. Peel, filet and dice the carrots. Finally, wash off the Portobello mushroom thoroughly, pull out the stalk gently, scrap out the black gills and chop them into 1-inch thick strips.
Step 2
Heat a large pan on medium-high. Throw in the bacon and cook out all the fat before tossing in the leeks, garlic and carrots and cook them down (approx 5 minutes). Slice the mushroom strips into bite-sized pieces, throw in the salt and cook down further (approx 3 minutes). Dump in the white wine, and turn down heat and allow to simmer while you do Step 3.
Step 3
Take the dried porcini mushrooms and pulverize them in a coffee grinder (if you don’t have grinder, use mortal & pestle, or chop with knife). Throw the shroom dust in a deep container and rub each side of the black cod in it. Heat the olive oil up in another pan on high heat and throw on the coated cod filets cooking each side until crispy before flipping (3 minutes each side). Serve each filet over a bed of veggies.
Who’s getting laid tonight? You are!
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bacon, bang, bed of veggies, black cod, black cod recipe, carrot, delicious, DIY, dried porcini mushrooms, easy, fiber, filet, fish, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leek, naked, olive oil, pepper, porcini mushroom coated fish, Porcini Mushroom coated grilled cod on bed of leeks carrots and Portobello mushrooms, Portobello mushroom, protein, recipe, romantic, salt, sauté, seafood, seduce, sex, shroom coated cod recipe, take to bed, tasty, turkey bacon, veggie bacon, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 25, 2009
Sweet simple satisfaction
COOK TO BANG generally advocates you kinky cooks out there to impress the hell out of your chosen conquest. And with good reason. The CTB method of seduction came out of much research I bravely endured for you, my dear reader. But sometimes, depending on your target, simplicity in seduction can be the key. Don’t overdo a first date with a five-course meal complete with champagne and a four-string quartet. You’ll look like a jackass, a jackass who ain’t getting laid. You can play it off casually like you’re throwing together a meal last minute. Invite your date over for a drink before going out to some fancy restaurant written up in your local paper. Then have a friend call your phone and pretend it’s the restaurant informing you they cannot seat you. Feign annoyance, apologize, pour them another drink and offer to cook instead. Your date can find out by “accident” that you happen to be a kickass cook who made something sensational with next to nothing. This spaghetti dish screams nonchalance. Plus it’s vegetarian and vegan friendly, and healthy as hell. It’s win win. READY FOR BEDDY SPAGHETTI makes a great starter, light entrée or can compliment a nice piece of meat. Heh heh… 
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or prosecco
Ingredients:
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. 1 teaspoon of salt
4. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
5. ½ a lemon worth of juice
6. 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
7. 3 garlic cloves diced finely
8. 2 handfuls of cherry tomatoes cut in half
9. ½ a red onion chopped coarsely
Step 1 Boil the spaghetti al dente. Rinse out the excess starch. While the pasta boils, move onto Step 2. 
Step 2 Heat up the olive oil in a deep pan or wok on medium-low heat. Sauté the garlic until the begin to brown (approx 30 seconds). Throw in the red onions and sauté until they soften and become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Squeeze in the lemon juice and allow the citrus to be absorbed (approx 2 minutes). Next sauté the cherry tomatoes with the salt until they soften (approx 3 minutes). Finally add the white wine and simmer covered on super low heat (approx 15 minutes). 
Step 3 Dump the cooked spaghetti into the sauce and mix it all together thoroughly allowing the pasta to heat up. Serve up the spaghetti on a plate with Parmesan if you like. Bravo! 
2 Comments | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: al dente, bang, cherry tomatoes, crushed red pepper, delicious, easy, fast, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, intercourse, italian, kitchen, lemon, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, quick, recipe, red onion, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, Simple spaghetti recipe, spaghetti, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, white wine, white wine pasta sauce recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 9, 2009
- This Spanish Rice is certifiably spankingly spectacular!
Barcelona in the later summer is a guaranteed whirlwind for the weary traveler with a backpack. Flamenco guitars serenade beauties in the balconies above and capture the heart of even the biggest hater. I remember one thing with absolute clarity: the quality of the food and women are top notch. Black designer mini dresses flapping behind Vespas. Plates piled high with raw shellfish and overflowing bowls of the best rice I had ever tasted. One night after a sangria or three and a plate full of OYSTERS, I found myself being led to a discotequa by a Nigerian Dr. Dre wannabe I befriended at a coffee shop. My evening soundtrack became hip hop beats to Catalan** lyrics. I don’t speak a word. My 3rd grade level Spanish was all I had to flirt with a Barcelona pure-bred hottie. She awarded me an A for effort and danced with me out in a plaza off Las Ramblas. We were good to go back to my place until she found out I was at a hostel sharing a room with three strangers. She vanished into the nearest cab leaving me bummed out with blue balls. So I cheered myself up with a perfect consolation prize: a plate of Spanish rice. I suppose that it was almost as good as spanking a Spaniard.
**In Barcelona, they speak Catalan, a derivation of Spanish that is a bitch to learn.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends what you serve with it. Tequila, beer or sangria if you are feeling especially Spanish
Ingredients:
1. 1 cup of white rice
2. 2 cups of chicken broth
3. 1 dash of salt
4. ¼ cup of olive oil
5. 1 handful of chopped cilantro
6. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
7. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 1 red bell pepper chopped coarsely
10. 1 small carrot chopped or grated coarsely
Step 1
Toast the rice first by heating up the oil in a pan on medium heat and cook until they brown, stirring occasionally (approx 5 minutes). Throw in the garlic and cook another minute. Throw in the rest of the veggies: cilantro, tomato, onion, bell pepper and carrot and cook them down with the toasty rice (approx 5 minutes).
Step 2
Pour in the chicken stock and salt it up a bit. Crank the heat up until the stalk begins to boil, then turn the heat down super low and simmer until the rice absorbs the stock (approx 20 minutes). You officially have some spectacular spanking Spanish rice to serve with something equally outstanding like ORANGASMIC CATFISH, FISHY PINK TACOS or MOLE. Go get those chicas and hombres!
Leave a Comment » | CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, mexican, RECIPES, spanish | Tagged: bang, Barcelona, carbohydrate, carboluscious, carrot, chicken stock, cilantro, dance, delicious, easy, fancy, flamenco, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, mexican, naked, olive oil, onion, recipe, red bell pepper, rice, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, simmer, spain, spaniard, spanish, Spanish Rice recipe, spanking, starch, toast, tomato, white rice | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 5, 2009
- Sesame equals sex-to-me
So you’re game for a healthy aphrodisiac that is fast, easy and aesthetically pleasing? Look no further than this fine sesame asparagus recipe. Not only do you have the natural Viagra benefits of the asparagus, but the sweet, sticky honey will ramp up your date’s libido. You might score extra points for the dish being vegetarian and amazingly nutritional, as all aphrodisiacs are. Duh! This side dish will legitimize even the most pathetic attempts at an entrée because it is so damn pretty. Did I mention it was tasty too? The Chinese know what they were doing. My first dance with sesame asparagus happened during a trip to Hong Kong. I was eating at an upscale eatery in Kowloon overlooking the Hong Kong cityscape exploding in choreographed colors. The real lightshow was going on in my mouth, which eventually set my feet dancing like the white devil maniac that I am. Luckily I found a kind local girl to correct my foolish ways and show me around the city, including the magnificent view from her bedroom.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what entrée you serve with it, CTB recommends a smooth red wine
Ingredients:
1. 2 tablespoons of dried sesame seeds
2. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 tablespoon of honey
5. 1 pound of fresh asparagus
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice
Step 1
Mix the soy sauce, olive oil, honey and lemon into a sticky sauce that would glisten in the noonday sun.
Step 2
Steam the asparagus until you can easily pierce them with a fork (approx 5 minutes). Toss the steamed asparagus with the sauce. Place the drenched asparagus in a baking pan with room between each stalk. Sprinkle the sesame seeds evenly over the asparagus.
Step 3
Set the oven to a high broil. Throw the baking sheet with asparagus on the highest rack. Allow the sesame seeds to toast and stick firmly to the asparagus stalks. (Approx 6 minutes) Serve each stalk carefully by grabbing them with tongs to avoid messing up the sesame seeds. Presentation is important.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, asparagus, bang, broil, Chinese, delicious, easy, fancy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lemon juice, naked, olive oil, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sesame, sesame asparagus, Sesame asparagus recipe, sex, side dish, soy sauce, steam, tasty, toss, vegetarian | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 24, 2008
The caprese salad has more disguises than a Scooby Doo villain
Caprese salad is the simplest Italian salad, but punches you in the nose with the complex flavors it yields. The buttery mozzarella, crisp tomato, and basil’s hint of the Italian countryside can put you a pimping pedestal. But sometimes delicious and light aren’t going to cut it when you are hungry enough to eat a Buick. Not to worry. This versatile salad leads a double life as a sandwich. So it’s easy to take this dish on afternoon picnics in areas secluded enough for you to make sweet love in the great outdoors. Should your date lack taste buds entirely and not like this sensational sandwich, the more for you to savor. “Sorry, sucka! But I still think your cute…wanna get busy in this grassy meadow?”
Ingredients (for 2 sandwiches):
1. 2 fresh baked sandwich rolls
2. Olive oil for drizzling
3. Balsamic vinegar for drizzling
4. ½ an avocado sliced
5. 1 tomato sliced
6. 8 ounces of fresh buffalo mozzarella sliced
7. 2 handfuls of fresh whole basil leaves
Step 1
Slice open the bread rolls and lay out the basil leaves, tomato slices, buffalo mozzarella, and avocado. Drizzle olive oil and balsamic vinegar to your liking. You want the sandwich to be moist, but not soggy. Cut the sandwich in half and serve up on a plate with a green salad or wrap up to enjoy in the park with your head in your dream girl/guy’s lap.
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: avocado, balsamic vinegar, bang, basil, caprese salad, Caprese sandwich, cheese, classy, delicious, easy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, healthy, intercourse, italian, kinky, kitchen, lunch, mozzarella, naked, olive oil, refreshing, romance, sandwich, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful, SINWICHES, tomato | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 17, 2008
Grab me, grill me, kill me...with grilled veggies
Long before humans had microwave ovens and George Forman grills, we had fire: beautiful, enchanting, burning fire. Vegetables grilled on an open flame make them fun again. Why boil these bounties of the earth when you can bring the flavor out with fire and chutzpah? And your date will no doubt be impressed by your mastery of the elements. Short of a picky vegan, anybody can eat this fine dish and only a cold-hearted monster could say it sucks. Your bland backyard barbecue has suddenly been legitimized, thus making you the savior, sort of like Jesus, but tastier. Be sure to mention that to your conservative date who hasn’t removed their chastity belt yet. Blaspheme and grilled veggies are sure to win them over. If that doesn’t work, just use reverse psychology asking What Would Jesus Not Do? Amen.
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 2 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar
3. 1 red bell pepper sliced into long thin strips
4. 1 small eggplant cut into large bite size chunks
5. 1 large portabella mushrooms sliced into long thin strips
6. 1 onion sliced into long thin strips
7. 2 tablespoons of goat cheese
Step 1
Place all the chopped veggies into tin foil and pour olive oil over them. Cover the oil-doused veggies with a top tinfoil layer and place in the grill on medium heat. Cook in foil until the veggies soften, then put them directly on the fire until they char slightly.
Step 2
Remove the veggies from the grill. Place them in a pan and drop the goat cheese on top. Pour the balsamic vinegar over the veggies/goat cheese and mix up thoroughly. Serve on a plate with your main course, a grilled halibut or turkey burger perhaps. Just know in your heart that you are a culinary super star and the evening should progress nicely.
1 Comment | GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, RECIPES | Tagged: balsamic vinegar, bang, barbecue, bbq, bell pepper, cheap, delicious, easy, eggplant, goat cheese, gourmet, grilled vegetables, grillin' like a villain, kitchen, naked, olive oil, onion, portabella mushroom, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, veggies | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients:
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 