LICK MY ZUCCHINI STICK

March 28, 2016
zucchini sticks served

You gotta lick it before you zucchini stick it!

I’m not trying to be crass.  It’s just an open invitation for your tongue.  Do what you gotta, but the door is always open.  This is for your benefit after all. Much like Christmas or Hanukkah, I get way more pleasure giving than receiving.  I assure you this arrangement will be mutually beneficial and your tongue will likely be writing me a thank you note or, at the very least, a Facebook poke.  When your tongue is done licking, you’ll be good to go for any number of sporting events or tailgating parties. Then you’ll be the one whose stick all the cool kids want to lick. Monday football never tasted so naughty!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or BANGARITA

zucchini sticks prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ¼ cup breadcrumbs
3. Ranch dressing to dip
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash garlic salt
6. 2 dashes dry BASIL flakes
7. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
8. 1 zucchini
9. 2 eggs

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C.  Cut the ends off the zucchini and then cut into bite-sized sticks.
zucchini sticks chop
Step 2
Create the breading by combining the breadcrumbs, black pepper, garlic salt, basil and cayenne pepper.  In a separate bowl, beat the eggs.
zucchini sticks breading
Step 3
Grease a pan with olive oil.  Dip each zucchini stick in eggs and then roll in the breading.  Place each stick in the pan, leaving room between them.  Throw them in the oven and bake until the breading browns (approx 7-10 min).
zucchini sticks dip bake
Serve this lower-fat FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY up with the ranch and score a touchdown.

zucchini sticks served 2

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


OH GOD, DON’T STOP! JALAPEÑO POPPERS

March 27, 2016
Once you popper, you can’t stop her

Once you popper, you can’t stop her

Most North American sports bar patrons have consumed twice their weight in deep fried jalapeños poppers. Sure they are goddamn satisfying as the cheese stains your shirt, your team scores, and you toast with your third beer. Jalapeño poppers just aren’t sexy fried, period. Don’t even think about getting kinky with an order of twelve poppers with ranch on the side.  But when you got ‘em baking, you can start shaking.  Suddenly the crowd-pleasing appetizer is both edible and credible. The poppers are perfectly portable treat for tailgating, potlucks and the occasional swingers party.  But if you want to CTB, serve your basketball fuck-buddy finger food.  You are sure to score a touch down.

Total time: approximately 15 minutes

Projected cost: $4

Drinking Buddy: Beer, this is bar food

jalepeno-poppers-prepIngredients:

1. 1/3 cup of flour

2. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs

3. 1 tablespoon of honey

4. 2 tablespoons of milk

5. ½ teaspoon of paprika

6. 3 ounces of cream cheese

7. 2 handfuls of shredded jack/mozzarella cheese

8. 1 egg

9. 5 jalapeños spilt lengthwise, stalks cut, seeds and veins removed

Step 1

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Mix the cheeses with the honey and paprika.  Spread enough of the cheese mixture to just fill the hollow jalapeños.

jalepeno-poppers-cheese

Step 2

Mix up the egg with the milk and paprika.  Separate the flour, egg mixture, and breadcrumbs in separate bowls.  Dip each cheesy jalapeño first in flour, then egg mixture, and finally breadcrumbs.  Set out on a foil covered baking pan.

jalepeno-poppers-dipped

Step 3**

Shove the baking pan full of prepped jalapeños in the oven.  Bake until the breading browns and the cheese begins to ooze out the side.  (Approx 30 min)  Now you’re good to serve it up on a platter with ranch or ketchup.  Who’s the player now?

jalepeno-poppers-baked

**This is the baking method. You could skip this step and deep fry it in oil. But frying isn’t sexy.  Trust me!

jalepeno-poppers-served-2

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


CHICKEN WING FLING

March 25, 2016
Who's up for a fling with some chicken wings?

Who’s up for a fling with some chicken wings?

These chicken wings were made in a rush for a party watching the NBA Finals. It is the only time even non-basketball geeks hop aboard the fan-wagon. That was certainly the case with my buddy’s girlfriend and her sorority sisters. Uninformed, screaming girls and high stakes sports don’t mix. But one of them had a cute smile that screamed “bad girl on board”. So I ignored the game and made sure she tried my latest and greatest recipe. The spicy, APHRODISIAC triple-threat in the wings did the trick. We both blew off the party to have our own NBA: National Banging Association. I just found out who won the game because I have been her sexual captive.

chicken wing fling prepTotal time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a BANGARITA

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp of HONEY
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of brown sugar
4. 4 green onions chopped coarsely
5. 1 lb of defrosted chicken wings
6. ½ a lemon
7. 1 handful of chopped BASIL

Step 1
Marinate the chicken in the lemon, cilantro, green onions, brown sugar, honey and Sriracha sauce.  Mix it together and allow it to marinate in the fridge (at least 15mins).
chicken wing fling marinate
Step 2
Cook the wings in a large deep pan on medium-high heat.  Cover the chicken and cook until meat browns (approx 15 min).  Flip the chicken, recover and cook until all the sauce cooks into the meat (approx 10 min).
chicken wing fling cook
Serve up the wings up solo or with your favorite condom-ment.
chicken wing fling served 2

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


FIGGY PIGGY PIZZA

March 23, 2016
A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.

A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.

I ain’t too proud to admit I’ve porked some sows in my day.  Who of you can claim you never once compromising your standards in the pursuit of ass?  That lone ranger stoically standing all alone on the hill can pat his/herself on the back.  The rest of you know what I’m talking about.  Like I said, these are not my proudest moments.  But I believe in living life free of regret. So what if my friends taunted me mercilessly? There are photos floating somewhere out there of me in college dressed like Hugh Hefner sucking face with what was described to me as “an oompa loompa in a cheerleader costume”.  It was Halloween, damnit!  Jack Daniels was the bastard responsible.  Thank goodness there are compromises like this pizza.  It packs a wallop of flavor from the prosciutto and figs, but minimal carbs.  Now you can have your pig, eat it too, and not be embarrassed to admit it your friends.

fig brie prosciutto pizza prepTotal time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka!

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 lavash flatbread
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 slice prosciutto
4. 4 long slices Brie cheese
5. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Rub olive oil into the flatbread and scatter the green onion, figs, prosciutto, and Brie slices.

fig brie prosciutto pizza assemble

Step 2
Bake the pizza in the oven until the edges brown (approx 10 min).  Remove from the oven and cut into 6-8 slices.

fig brie prosciutto pizza bake

Serve up as FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY or as a warm up to some stunning ENTRÉE.

fig brie prosciutto pizza served 2

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


CHICKEN LETTUCE D-CUPS

March 21, 2016
Your D-cups fill out nicely!

Your D-cups fill out nicely!

This dish is stacked!  I mean the cups are full and voluptuous.  Ain’t no flat-chested FINGER FOOD here. No need for implants to help these fill out. The chicken breasts are supple and pouting, not to mention double-D-licious!  I have enjoyed this dish many times in the company of dates at fine Chinese restaurant and not so fine ones that rhyme with PF WANGS.  But only when I made it at home did I realize how simple, tasty, and awesome this dish can be.  Blow you date away with some familiar, but so much better since you made it with your own two hands.  Take a hold of those lettuce D-Cups, caress, fondle and then let your mouth get to work.

chicken lettuce d-cups prepTotal time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Beer or CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (for 2):
1. Plum or hoisin sauce (at your discretion)
2. 1 tbsp soy sauce
3. 1 tbsp vegetable oil
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 small lettuce head
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 3 mushrooms sliced thinly
8. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. 1 handful chopped peanuts

Step 1
Mince the chicken finely with your sharpest knife.  Marinate it in the soy sauce and oyster sauce (approx 15 min).
chicken lettuce d-cups marinate
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, green onions and mushrooms with vegetable oil until they soften (approx 3 min).  Throw in the chicken and the nuts and cook through (approx 4 min).
chicken lettuce d-cups saute
Step 3
Fill up the lettuce cups with the goods.  Add a teaspoon or so of the plum or hoisin sauce to each cup and then add a healthy scoop of the minced chicken filling.
chicken lettuce d-cups fill
Serve them up on a platter to share with the spirit of camaraderie and banging on your mind.
chicken lettuce d-cups served

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


7 LAYERS OF AWESOME DIP

March 18, 2016

Layer upon layer of resistance-slayers.

This recipe goes out to all the March madness maniacs. According to my research, a girl from I was banging, 7 Layer Dip is the ultimate sports-viewing treat. Forgive me if I was misinformed. Rather than curse my inaccuracies with mob justice your time would be better served recreating this dish and serve it up to your football-viewing posse. People who like variety are well sorted with this All-American concoction. The 7 Layer Dip is sort of like a chameleon lover who will become whatever you want them to be. Whether you want white, black, Latin, Asian, or a magical mix, you will get your fill. Talk about a menagerie of flavor! Make this dip, bring it to the party, and go home with some impressed hottie for the win!

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Beer, beer, and more beer!

Ingredients (Serves a whole party):
1. 1 bag tortilla chips
2. 1 can refried bean
3. 1 small container sour cream
4. SIMPLY SEXY SALSA
5. GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE
6. 2 handfuls jack cheese
7. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful black olives diced

Step 1
Warm up the refried beans on medium-low heat, mixing in the tomatoes (approx 5 min). Evenly pour the beans into your serving bowl.

Step 2
Pour in the contents of these evenly in this order: salsa, green onions, half the jack cheese, sour cream, guacamole, olives, and the remaining cheese.

Place the chips artfully around the edge of the dip right before serving. Hear those cheers? They aren’t for the latest sack. It’s for your sexy ass!

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


LECHEROUS LEPRECHAUN

March 17, 2016
Get lucky like an Irishman in pub full of drunken tarts.

Get lucky like an Irishman in pub full of drunken tarts.

I felt sorry for Lucky the Leprechaun because those shithead kids wouldn’t share any Lucky Charms.  How hard would it have been to hook the little guy up with a small bowl of that artificial flavored filth?  Leave it up to us Americans to exploit and bastardize yet another cultural icon.  You can hardly blame the half-pint of Guinness for turning to the sauce.  At least we now have a symbol to blame all our mid-March misgivings on.  We’ll give props to some forgotten Catholic Saint of Ireland, eat some processed potato product and indulge in whiskey and beer.  Green is THE color and a perfect excuse to pinch the hot ass of that lass or lad not following the day’s chosen color palette.  Green our drinks shall be whether you choose to pour food dye into your Guinness or try on this COOK TO BANG exclusive.  It is sure to bring out the Lecherous Leprechaun in all of us.  So how about it, you lovely lasses?  Wanna set free the leprechaun in my pants?   There’s a pot of gold at the base of my half rainbow.

lecherous-leprechaun-prep1Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: approximately $15 (depending on price of the booze)
Eating Buddy: HO’S MAY BLOW-TATOES

Ingredients (per drink):
1. 1 shot of Sour Apple Pucker
2. 1 shot of vodka
3. Club soda
4. ¼ lime cut up and squeezed
5. 1 large handful of ice

Step 1
Squeeze ¼ of a lime into the glass, dropping the remains into the glass after.  Throw in a large handful of ice, and then pour in 1 shot of vodka and 1 shot of Sour Apple Pucker.  Top each glass off with club soda and mix it all together.  Drink up before that leprechaun finishes your bevy for you.
lecherous-leprechaun-mix

AddThis Social Bookmark Button