SQUASH KE-BANGS

September 11, 2015
She Bangs, He Bangs, Ke-Bangs!

She Bangs, He Bangs, Ke-Bangs!

Let’s be honest here.  You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t like banging.  Right?  If you thought this site was for carpentry where you learn how to bang hammer to nail…forgive me my trespassing.  I am nothing like Jesus the carpenter or Son of God, unless you count the ripped abs from all that stretching on the crucifix.  But I do offer you recipes reserved for the gods so in some ways you aren’t totally off.  Here we have classic middle-eastern nosh that Jesus may have sampled during one of his hangouts with his twelve adoring homies AKA apostles.  Kebabs are simple and perfect for those waning days of summer.  Grill, broil it, munch it.  Each bite brings you closer to God.  Amen to that! Read the rest of this entry »


NEVER HURRY THEIR CURRY

September 9, 2015

Get their curry in a flurry 'til their eyes go blurry.

Rule #1 of gaming is to never be too eager. Desperation is herpes to your prospects. Why rush the inevitable by being a needy little bitch? The best seductions simmer to the point you can’t resist taking a nibble. Serve it up too soon and you will barely enjoy the undercooked, underwhelming sensations to follow. Don’t repeat my tragic blunders by rushing the vibe when it ain’t solid. The only thing you’ll have is a shiny new pair of blue balls. Granted there are certain opportunities to pounce on post haste. These are fun, but fleeting. When it comes creating something exceptional, a little restraint never hurt nobody no how. I’m not suggesting pussing out entirely like some chump. Just know when to hold ‘em; know when to fold ‘em; and know when to bang ‘em. Now savor every last morsel of their curry, champ! Read the rest of this entry »


SAUSAGE PARTY SINWICH

August 24, 2015
sausage n peppers served 2

Big Ol’ Sausage Cumming your way!

Make room! Make room!  A massive sausage is coming straight for your open mouth.  There’s not a whole lot you can do but smile like a donut.  But don’t fear it.  Taste it.  Enjoy it.  Love it.  There’s nothing wrong with phallic food so long as you are comfortable with yourself and enjoy good food.  Just to make you feel better, you can Price Albert the sausage to make it less threatening.  Throw in all the veggies and aphrodisiac avocado and you have an innocuous, yet delicious open-faced sandwich to enjoy with your date.  Need I mention that you can whip these up in 10 minutes flat while you wax poetic with your game?  Now drop your inhibitions and pick up that big ol’ massive meaty sausage. Read the rest of this entry »


ROUND 2 SALMON SALAD

August 12, 2015
One good bang deserves another.

One good bang deserves another.

Sometimes the second round of banging can top the first. Sure it isn’t as fresh as the first kill (figuratively speaking, Rambo) during a conquest. But your sexy time date’s flavor sets in a little and becomes familiar and welcoming. Soon you will be reaching for them on a regular basis, happy for more of the same. While I’m enjoying my salad days where I’m sampling everything at the buffet before I get serious about one dish, I see the appeal. It’s like that perfect slice of fish that you can’t pass up in favor of the juicy chicken cordon bleu. The same rules apply with this salad. I grilled an outstanding slab of salmon for party of 20 (sorry I didn’t document) and ended up with a fridge full of leftovers. Adding the salmon to the salad was almost an afterthought, like banging the person sleeping next to you while you’re half asleep. Good thing for that. This salad satisfied the hungry girl from the party who stayed the night…and half the next day.

simple salmon salad prepTotal time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay or an Arnold Palmer (w/ vodka if you’re hardcore)

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp of feta cheese
2. 1 cucumber sliced thinly
3. 1 tbsp vinegar (chef’s choice)
4. 1 tbsp lemon juice
5. 1 tbsp olive oil
6. 2 massive handfuls romaine lettuce chopped coarsely
7. ½ onion chopped finely
8. 1 carrot peeled, sliced thinly
9. 2 handfuls leftover SALMON
10. 1 handful kalamata olives

Step 1
Create the dressing by mixing up the onion, olive oil, vinegar and lemon juice.
simple salmon salad dressing copy
Step 2
Toss the lettuce, cucumber, carrots, de-pitted olives and dressing.
simple salmon salad toss
Step 3
Spoon plates of salad and crown with the salmon and feta cheese
simple salmon salad toppings
Serve up the salad solo, or with a SINWICH or SOUP or both!
simple salmon salad served 2

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TURN YOU OUT TURKEY BURGER

July 4, 2015
Turkey turns me on, then turns me out.  Yeow!

Turkey turns ’em on, then turns ’em out. Yeow!

Hamburgers are not normally considered sexy, but they are a damn tasty staple of the American diet.  Turkey meat however is leaner, meaner and greener.   The protein does you right plus there’s less fat and twice the flavor when cooked right.  My thanks go out to the Native Americans for turning the Pilgrims onto this precious bird (sorry about taking your land and all).  The fire charring the meat empowers the caveman in every male chef.  The lady chef or date can enjoy this tasty piece of the American dream and not worry about the dish going straight to her thighs. When you bit into the center and find the goat cheese goodness, a choir of angels with trumpets shall inspire a tryst of the kinkiest order.  I tried a similar dish at a bourgeois New York restaurant priced somewhere upwards of $25.  The bill hurt my wallet, but my palette was well satisfied and my brain full of inspiration.  This summertime dish always leads to good times and enough erotic memories to last me through winter. Read the rest of this entry »


DANK ORGANIC VEGGIE BURRITOS

May 21, 2015
Get the best Dank Organic Veggie Burrito on Phish tour!

Get the best Dank Organic Veggie Burrito on Phish tour!

Holy shit, bra!  Did you catch Phish at Bonaroo?  I mean like wow, man!  Maybe I can articulate it without than bohemian euphemisms once the acid wears off.  At least I was able to pick up some hard-body hippie harlots in the lot selling Dank Organic Veggie Burritos out of my mom’s Prius.  They thought my vegan wraps were heady, yo.  I played them some old bootlegs from like WAY back in the day.  They were mad impressed, especially when they started rubbing the Phish tat across my heart.  Good thing they didn’t realize it was just henna until after I get my dirty hippie orgy on. Read the rest of this entry »


TEQUILA LIME RHYME TIME PASTA

March 23, 2015

Tequila = boozy floozies in a jacuzzis

Ever just start speaking in rhymes?
Happens at the most inconvenient times?
Dr. Seuss crawled down your throat?
Like someone’s always getting your goat?

Bust out some tangy lime and tequila
Your date is sure to touch and feel ya.
So rather than whine, bitch, and groan
Make pasta so good they will moan

I shall refrain from babbling all night
This rhyming even gives me a fright
Guys, don’t just play with your wang
Good forth, my friends, Cook To Bang!

Read the rest of this entry »


WELL, HELLO! PORTOBELLO TACOS

January 28, 2015
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say, "Well, Hello! Portobello Tacos."

I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say, “Well, Hello! Portobello Tacos.”

Well, hello there!  Haven’t seen you around.  I would have noticed someone as fine as you.   What inspired you to come to my little part of the world?  No shit!  You came to see me?  You want me to cook to bang you?  Fair enough.  It’s just that I’m usually the one pursuing dates.  Nothing wrong with someone aggressive that knows what they want.  If it’s me you want, so be it. Wait, you’re vegan? Why?  Never mind. It won’t be a problem. So how about some Portobello mushroom tacos?  Glad you enjoyed them.  Shall we retire to the bedroom now?  Thanks for stopping by. Read the rest of this entry »


NAUGHTY MAHI

January 26, 2015
Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!

Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!

There are a lot of slutty fish out there.  The puffer fish for one has been known to service just about anything aquatic with a pulse.  But no fish is quite so whorish as the mahi mahi.  Known to some as the dolphin fish, mahi mahi takes after their sex-crazed mammal namesake.  Dolphins are known to attempt banging humans, but dolphin fish manage to pull it off and usually on camera for a couple of fish.  I can imagine the Animal Planet viewers reading this believe I am making this up.  To these naysayers I warn, “Enter the water at your own peril…or pleasure.”  Getting molested by a large fish isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  First, you risk drowning long before you reach orgasm.  Second, you can be sure the dolphin fish will never call you again.  Don’t buy that it’s because fish don’t own phones.  The bastard could certainly borrow a phone from a fisherman or something.  But in spite of the slut factor of mahi mahi, they taste mighty fine.  Mahi mahi doesn’t require much prep time so there’s no need to wait like you would for some tease to put out until date 3.  Throw in some sautéed veggies, PAPAYA SALSA and avocado and your date will take on the trampy qualities so beloved in the Naughty Mahi. Read the rest of this entry »


NEVER A BORSCHT IN THE SACK

December 17, 2014
Sexy commies gone vegan! Don't tell Stalin...

Sexy commies gone vegan! Don’t tell Stalin…

Hello, comrades!  I speak of course to the Russian women I have had the pleasure of.  There is something about that accent that brings up all my childhood Cold War fears and translates them into lust.  No doubt, their Soviet bloc childhoods taught them how to survive so they are as tough as they are hot.  Not a wilting flower in the bunch.  Banging someone tougher than you are can challenge your ego.  But I welcome the challenge since the payoff makes my babushka spin.  What better way to lure them in than the classic Russian dish, borscht?  This Commie red soup hits the spot and nourishes the people.  Even if your culinary conquest isn’t Russian, make them your comrade for the night.  I’m back in the USSR! Read the rest of this entry »