MAMACITA CARNITAS

October 9, 2015

Mamacita Carnitas will make you bang like cheetahs

Hey hey Mamacita!
So glad to meet ya!
Come over, I’ll treat ya
So sit and down eat, yah?

Mexican food brings me much joy and comfort. Somehow I don’t feel unique for that. Pretty much every date I’ve served sumptuous South of the border nibbles responds in kind. The hot like a cheetah mamacita just comes out. It’s on at that point with no turning back. You can’t close Pandora’s box of bodacious body bumping. So heed my disclaimer: Unimaginable pleasure will result from whipping these carnitas up. Those with whack taste buds and distaste for debauchery should probably find a new recipe site. Read the rest of this entry »


JAMBALAYA DOWN WITH ME

September 25, 2015

Blue 42, blue 42, hut hut bang!

Welcome to Part II of the 2010 CTB Super Bowl recipe throw down. For the uninitiated or those lacking cognitive reasoning, jambalaya is a dish native to Louisiana, New Orleans in particular. Therefore this dish is dedicated to the New Orleans Saints. My life is too consumed with cooking and banging to pay much attention to football stats. The Saints or the Colts could triumph and it wouldn’t make any difference so long as I have someone warm and cuddly in my bed that night. But in terms of the Food Bowl, New Orleans crushes Indianapolis hands down. The cuisine down South is like a wet dream jumping right off my plate and down my pantaloons. It might be the French influence, it might be the innovations of American ancestors, it might be that I am totally gay for spicy food. I wager all three. But you will turn a few heads with this dish that feeds the hungry, unwashed masses. So whomever you’re cheering for, you will leave a winner with phone numbers and possibly a football-loving hottie on your arm. Read the rest of this entry »


WHORE-TILLA SOUP

September 23, 2015
You are the pimp and your date is your whore-tilla

You are the pimp and your date is your whore-tilla

Are you cursed with dating prudes who just don’t put out?  This is not unlike slamming your finger in a car door, but it’s your self-esteem that cries out in pain.  Your first problem is that you shouldn’t try to pick up prospective dates at a Jonas Brothers concert.  And even if you are a sucker who thinks meeting a nice girl or boy is the way to go, Cook To Bang like a champ and you will make that purity rings land perfectly in the trash with nothing but net.  I have faith that you can turn the rosy-cheeked innocent into your sex slave with the right approach.  That’s why I developed this hearty tortilla soup for you.  It’s quite healthy, has an APHRODISIAC double threat, and seems wholesome at first glance.  That is exactly how you should operate.  Get in under the radar and then turn your date out.  Turn that nun or choirboy into your own personal whore.  Now hear yourself ROAR! Read the rest of this entry »


SQUASH KE-BANGS

September 11, 2015
She Bangs, He Bangs, Ke-Bangs!

She Bangs, He Bangs, Ke-Bangs!

Let’s be honest here.  You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t like banging.  Right?  If you thought this site was for carpentry where you learn how to bang hammer to nail…forgive me my trespassing.  I am nothing like Jesus the carpenter or Son of God, unless you count the ripped abs from all that stretching on the crucifix.  But I do offer you recipes reserved for the gods so in some ways you aren’t totally off.  Here we have classic middle-eastern nosh that Jesus may have sampled during one of his hangouts with his twelve adoring homies AKA apostles.  Kebabs are simple and perfect for those waning days of summer.  Grill, broil it, munch it.  Each bite brings you closer to God.  Amen to that! Read the rest of this entry »


NEVER HURRY THEIR CURRY

September 9, 2015

Get their curry in a flurry 'til their eyes go blurry.

Rule #1 of gaming is to never be too eager. Desperation is herpes to your prospects. Why rush the inevitable by being a needy little bitch? The best seductions simmer to the point you can’t resist taking a nibble. Serve it up too soon and you will barely enjoy the undercooked, underwhelming sensations to follow. Don’t repeat my tragic blunders by rushing the vibe when it ain’t solid. The only thing you’ll have is a shiny new pair of blue balls. Granted there are certain opportunities to pounce on post haste. These are fun, but fleeting. When it comes creating something exceptional, a little restraint never hurt nobody no how. I’m not suggesting pussing out entirely like some chump. Just know when to hold ‘em; know when to fold ‘em; and know when to bang ‘em. Now savor every last morsel of their curry, champ! Read the rest of this entry »


SAUSAGE PARTY SINWICH

August 24, 2015
sausage n peppers served 2

Big Ol’ Sausage Cumming your way!

Make room! Make room!  A massive sausage is coming straight for your open mouth.  There’s not a whole lot you can do but smile like a donut.  But don’t fear it.  Taste it.  Enjoy it.  Love it.  There’s nothing wrong with phallic food so long as you are comfortable with yourself and enjoy good food.  Just to make you feel better, you can Price Albert the sausage to make it less threatening.  Throw in all the veggies and aphrodisiac avocado and you have an innocuous, yet delicious open-faced sandwich to enjoy with your date.  Need I mention that you can whip these up in 10 minutes flat while you wax poetic with your game?  Now drop your inhibitions and pick up that big ol’ massive meaty sausage. Read the rest of this entry »


ROUND 2 SALMON SALAD

August 12, 2015
One good bang deserves another.

One good bang deserves another.

Sometimes the second round of banging can top the first. Sure it isn’t as fresh as the first kill (figuratively speaking, Rambo) during a conquest. But your sexy time date’s flavor sets in a little and becomes familiar and welcoming. Soon you will be reaching for them on a regular basis, happy for more of the same. While I’m enjoying my salad days where I’m sampling everything at the buffet before I get serious about one dish, I see the appeal. It’s like that perfect slice of fish that you can’t pass up in favor of the juicy chicken cordon bleu. The same rules apply with this salad. I grilled an outstanding slab of salmon for party of 20 (sorry I didn’t document) and ended up with a fridge full of leftovers. Adding the salmon to the salad was almost an afterthought, like banging the person sleeping next to you while you’re half asleep. Good thing for that. This salad satisfied the hungry girl from the party who stayed the night…and half the next day.

simple salmon salad prepTotal time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay or an Arnold Palmer (w/ vodka if you’re hardcore)

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp of feta cheese
2. 1 cucumber sliced thinly
3. 1 tbsp vinegar (chef’s choice)
4. 1 tbsp lemon juice
5. 1 tbsp olive oil
6. 2 massive handfuls romaine lettuce chopped coarsely
7. ½ onion chopped finely
8. 1 carrot peeled, sliced thinly
9. 2 handfuls leftover SALMON
10. 1 handful kalamata olives

Step 1
Create the dressing by mixing up the onion, olive oil, vinegar and lemon juice.
simple salmon salad dressing copy
Step 2
Toss the lettuce, cucumber, carrots, de-pitted olives and dressing.
simple salmon salad toss
Step 3
Spoon plates of salad and crown with the salmon and feta cheese
simple salmon salad toppings
Serve up the salad solo, or with a SINWICH or SOUP or both!
simple salmon salad served 2

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