April 9, 2009
Who lived in a pineapple inside my gut?
This pineapple before you was the last know residence of one Spongebob Squarepants. The market ran out of pineapple I needed for this ridiculous rice dish and impressing my hot date called for desperate measures. So I improvised. You know Spongebob wouldn’t mind helping Patrick Star get laid if he wanted to bang a whorish whale or hammerhead hottie. So I figured that the courtesy would be extended to me since I’ve watched enough episodes to render me with the maturity of a 12-year-old. The only problem is I then used the spongy little bastard to scrub the wok. Spongebob’s usual giggle was replaced by a gurgle. But I know in his heart he was happy to aid my Cook to Bang quest. But don’t worry. I replaced his pineapple house with an empty vodka bottle. The sponge is soaking up liquor fumes as we speak.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: A beer or a SLUTTY TEMPLE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of basmati rice
2. 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil
3. 1 tablespoon of curry paste
4. 1 pineapple
5. ½ can of coconut milk
6. 1 LEEK chopped
7. ½ pound of chicken cut into bite-sized pieces
8. 1 egg
9. 2 tablespoons of freshly chopped GINGER
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Wash the rice in the sink. Fill up a pot with the 1 cup of rice and 2 cups of water. Bring water to a boil on high heat, and then turn the heat down and simmer covered until the rice absorbs the water (approx 15 minutes).
Step 2
Split the pineapple length-wise. Use a pairing knife to cut out the meat from the middle, but leave enough around the edges so it holds it’s form. Chop the meat up into bite-sized pieces. Set aside.
Step 3
Heat the oil in a large deep pan or wok on high heat. Toss the garlic, ginger and leeks and cook down (approx 2 minutes). Add the curry paste and pineapple and stir in the flavor (approx 1 minute). Mix in the rice thoroughly, stir in the coconut milk and finally crack the egg over and mix it in.
Step 4
Scoop the rice into the hollow pineapple halves until the overflow like a mound above the fruit’s lip. Cover the stuffed pineapples with tinfoil and bake through in the oven (approx 20 minutes). Serve up on a plate with your favorite ENTRÉE.
1 Comment | 
aphrodisiac, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, RECIPES, spicy, thai | Tagged: aphrodisiac, baked pineapple rice, bang, basmati rice, bikini bottom, citrus, curry paste, delicious, easy, fried pineapple rice, fried rice, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hammerhead, intercourse, kitchen, naked, nickelodeon, Patrick star, Pineapple rice recipe, recipe, seduce, sex, spicy, spongebob squarepants, tasty, thai, tropical, vegetable oil, vodka, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
March 26, 2009
Wake and Bake!
My honey’s got it going on. She knows just how to handle my fruit. Ooh, baby! You know just how to peel ‘em naked, rub ‘em down with your sticky icky, and then heat ‘em up. Dessert will never be the same. Every bite is crazy healthy and bursting with flavor G spots. Hot damn! We can indulge all our flavor fantasies guilt-free. No one can judge us because we are technically playing by the rules. The calorie police don’t have to know how much pleasure we’re soaking up. It’s none of their taste-hating business what we bake behind closed doors. So enjoy with reckless abandon just because you can. It will be our little secret.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: HOT COCOA or a HOT TODDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 3 tablespoons of HONEY
2. ½ a lemon of juice
3. 4 Fuji apples
4. 1 cinnamon stick
5. 1 pinch of cloves
6. Plain yogurt to pour on top of apples (not pictured)*
*Optional
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Peel the apples and cut halves off each side, leaving the cores intact. Cut the smaller slivers off each core. Add all the apple meat to a small baking pan with the cut sides up.
Step 2
Warm up a pan on medium heat. Squeeze in the lemon, and then add the cinnamon stick, cloves and honey. Mix it together and allow the spices to soak into the liquid. Once the mixture bubbles up, remove it from the heat and pour the honey evenly over the apples in the baking pan.
Step 3
Throw the apples in the oven and cook until they soften (approx 20 minutes), and then flip them and bake the other side through (approx 10 minutes), pouring sauce scooped from the baking sheet over the topside. Serve up on plate with a little yogurt if you are so inclined.
Leave a Comment » | british, fusion, greek, healthy, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: apples, baked, bang, calorie police, cinnamon, clove, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, flavor fantasies, g spot, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, healthy baked apples, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lemon juice, low fat, naked, plain yogurt, recipe, rub down, secret, seduce, sex, Spice baked apples recipe, spicy, sweet, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 31, 2009
Red Pepper 42, Black Bean 42, Hut Hut Hike!
I’m gasping for air as I write this post. Good god is this veggie chili sexy, healthy and satisfying. Trust me when I say this is going to be a challenge to not eat it all before I bring it to the Super Bowl party this weekend. It’s like waiting for marriage to engage in sexual relations. It’s a nice idea in theory. But seriously, why? Sure it might feel great to finally experience pure ecstasy with the person you will spend the rest of your life. But then again it might be a huge let down when you finally claim what’s yours. Luckily you don’t have to worry about that with this chili dish. It actually tastes better the next day once the flavors have wrapped their legs around the veggies and grinded until they make culinary cunnilingus. If you do manage to keep this ridiculously healthy chili around for the Super Bowl or other party, you will certainly be busy taking down phone numbers from eager foodies with an appetite for you. Take a number.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: A beer, margarita or other football-watching beverage
Ingredients (serves a party or 2 hungry people for days):
1. ½ cup of vegetable oil
2. 1 tablespoon of dried oregano
3. 1 8-ounce can of corn
4. Sour cream for garnish
5. 1 teaspoon of salt
6. Shredded cheddar cheese for garnish
7. 2 tablespoons of ground cumin
8. 1 28-ounce can of whole tomatoes
9. 1 can of garbanzo beans
10. 1 can of black beans
11. 2 stalks of celery chopped coarsely
12. 1 green pepper chopped coarsely
13. 1 red pepper chopped coarsely
14. 4 cloves of garlic chopped finely
15. 2 dried New Mexico chilies
16. 1 large carrot peeled and chopped coarsely
17. 1 yellow pepper coarsely
18. 1 onion chopped coarsely.
19. 2 handfuls of mushrooms chopped coarsely
Step 1
Heat up the vegetable oil in a stockpot on medium-high. Sautee the garlic solo until they brown (approx 30 seconds). Cook the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Throw in all the carrots, celery, yellow, red and green peppers and cook until they soften, stirring occasionally. (approx 15 minutes)
Step 2
It’s time to spice things up. Cup up the New Mexico chilies, then toss them into the pot with the mushrooms let it simmer (approx 2 minutes). Now smack it all up with ground cumin, oregano and salt and cook in the flavor (approx 10 minutes).
Step 3
Open up the can of tomatoes and drain the juice into a bowl before chopping the tomatoes up coarsely. Add the tomatoes and juice onto the pot and cook until the tomatoes dissolve and become part of the sauce (approx 10 minutes).
Step 4
Drain the liquid from the cans of corn, garbanzo beans and black beans, then dump them all into the pot and cook them with all the other goodies until they become united in their chili power (approx 10 minutes). Serve up with a sexy selection of toppings like shredded cheddar, sour cream and diced red onions.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, HOT LIQUID LOVE, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, bell pepper, black beans, carrot, celery, cheddar, cheese, chili, corn, cumin, delicious, easy, game changer, garbanzo beans, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green pepper, guarantee, healthy, intercourse, kitchen, mexican, mushroom, naked, new Mexico chilies, onion, oregano, party, recipe, red pepper, romance, salt, Santa fe, SEDUCTION, sex, sour cream, south beach diet, spicy, Super bowl, tailgate, tasty, tomato, vegetable oil, vegetarian, Vegetarian chili recipe, veggie chili recipe, winter, yellow pepper, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 8, 2009
This fish taco is your amigo con benefits!
Few things are more satisfying than diving tongue first into a fishy pink taco. At least that is what I learned while on an unforgettable first date. It started with a lousy Mexican meal we both refused to eat. We drank tequila instead. Some of the details are hazy, but somehow us joking about driving down to Mexico to find the perfect taco turned into reality. I remember rubbing her knee as she gunned her banged up Jetta straight through the border crossing and into chaos that involved me wearing a balloon hat sombrero at a otherwise gringo-free night club with a rodeo in the back. What I do recall with vivid clarity was the next day. I was hung-over and a tad confused about why I was standing on an Ensenada beach haggling with a tiny grandmother over the price of a luchadore wrestling mask. Luckily a boat crashed up on shore with a fisherman holding out his catch of the day put it in perspective. “Tacos?” “Si, senor!” My man lit a fire right there on the sand, gutted the fish, smothered the fillet with some mystery marinade and grilled that on a tiny pan. Our simple goal was achieved. To this day, the perfect taco. But that doesn’t mean you can’t try it at home for your hot date. Did I mention the APHRODISIAC triple threat of seafood, chili, and avocado?
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Cerveza (beer) or tequila, or both, like they do in Baja California!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes of black pepper
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. ½ teaspoon of paprika
4. ½ tablespoon of mayonnaise
5. Hot sauce or SALSA
6. 1 6 ounce tilapia fillet or red snapper
7. 2 lime wedges for recipe, extra for flavor
8. 1 handful of chopped cabbage
9. 4 corn tortillas or two larger flour tortillas (pictured)
10. 2 cloves of garlic
11. ½ a Serrano chili chopped finely, a whole chili if you want a kick in the head
12. ½ an avocado sliced thinly
13. ¼ of a red onion chopped finely
Step 1
To create the fish marinade, mix the garlic, Serrano chili, paprika, black pepper and olive oil in a bowl. Smother the fish fillet in the marinade and leave in the bowl to marinate. (Approx 15 minutes)
Step 2
Why not mix up some coleslaw while the fish marinates? Mix up the red onion, cabbage, mayonnaise, black pepper, paprika and limejuice in a bowl.
Step 3
It’s time to grill that sexed up fish fillet. Grill it for 2-3 minutes on each side. Squeeze lime once you flip it and cook through. Remove the fish and break up into taco size chunks.
Step 4
Spread each tortilla out and mix equal parts fish and coleslaw, crowning it all with avocado slices. Kick it up with some hot sauce, or better yet, MANGO SALSA. Ole mi amigos!
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, Baja California, bang, coleslaw, coleslaw recipe, cook on the beach, delicious, easy, ensenada, fancy, fast, fish, fisherman, fishy pink tacos, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grilled, Grilled fish taco recipe, guarantee, healthy, hot sauce, intercourse, kitchen, mexican, mexico, naked, pink taco, recipe, red snapper, road trip, rodeo, romance, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, sombrero, spicy, tasty, tilapia | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 15, 2008
- Hola, amigos. Breakfast burritos makes your game grow.
The breakfast burrito is amazingly versatile in its ease to make and ability to please. The only ingredients you absolutely need are eggs, tortilla and hot sauce. But the more sexy ingredients you can add, the greater the meal. Be bold, be imaginative, be victorious! Below is a recipe based on what was in my fridge at the moment. My date had no complaints since she downed the burrito in three large bites then dragged me by the hand back to bed. Much praise for the people of Mexico and their culinary masterpiece. Mornings have never been so easy. Ole!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Orange juice or beer if it’s one of those mornings
Ingredients (for two burrito):
1. 2 tortillas
2. 1 teaspoon of salt
3. 1 tablespoon olive oil
4. Hot sauce (chef’s choice)
5. 1 sausage link cut into thin strips
6. ½ a jalapeño diced
7. 3 eggs
8. 1 handful chopped cilantro
9. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
10. 1 handful jack or mozzarella cheese
11. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
12. 2 handfuls of fresh, washed spinach
Step 1
Cook the sausage strips in a pan on medium heat without oil until they brown, set aside. Beat the eggs with cilantro and salt. Turn your oven to the lowest setting (about 150 degrees F) and warm up your tortillas.
Step 2
On medium heat, heat the olive oil into a pan and cook the green onions for 1 minute. Throw in the spinach and cook until it wilts. Pour in the egg mixture and scramble it until it is still moist but not runny. Turn off the heat, throw the cheese over the eggs and cover with a lid so the cheese melts.
Step 3
Remove the tortillas from the oven and place on separate plates. Drop half the sausage into each, and then place eggs into each pocket. Crown each burrito with tomatoes and hot sauce before rolling it up tight. Serve with orange juice or beer if you’re nursing a hangover.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, breakfast, breakfast burrito, burrito, delicious, easy, eggs, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, jack cheese, jalapeño, kinky, kitchen, mexican, morning, mozzarella, naked, post-coital, romance, sausage, SEDUCTION, sex, spicy, spinach, tortilla | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 10, 2008
Curry some favor with these spicy flavors
This Thai curry dish is like a hot night of indiscretion in the steamy city of Bangkok. That’s where I first had a dish at a small restaurant right off of PatPong 2 before witnessing the seedier side of Southeast Asia. So delicious and decadent. Curry can be a little dangerous and on the edge, like watching a tiger cage fight while telling the lady boys that you are not interested in boom boom tonight. Welcome to the spicy side of COOK TO BANG. You will instantly become the bad boy or girl that your date’s parents warned them about. They will sweat before you even touch them. If you have that kind of effect with your food, your date can only assume that the night will only get steamier. Yes, indeedy. So relax and enjoy the happy ending.
Total time: approximately 35-45 minutes
Projected cost for ingredients: $10
Drinking buddy: Beer, Thai or Indian
Ingredients:
1. 1 tablespoon of flour
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. 1 cup of coconut milk
4. 2 teaspoons of curry paste (1 teaspoon of curry powder)
5. 1 teaspoon of oyster sauce
6. 1 tablespoon of rice vinegar
7. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
8. 1 large eggplant cut into bite-sized pieces
9. 1 handful of mushrooms cut
10. 1 pound of chicken cut in bite-sized pieces
11. ½ a lemon
12. Meat of 1 mango sliced and diced
13. 1 yellow bell pepper cut into bite-sized pieces
14. 1 handful of cilantro
15. 4 green onion chopped coarsely
16. 3 garlic cloves minced
Step 1
Mix the cilantro, oyster sauce, curry paste, coconut milk and flour in a bowl. Stir vigorously like you’re still in Jr. High until the curry sauce becomes a pinkish-orange. Set aside.
Step 2 (Skip this step if you want to make it vegetarian)
Marinate the chicken in the rice vinegar, soy sauce and lemon. After 15 minutes, use 1 tablespoon of olive oil and cook the chicken until the meat turns white. Set aside.
Step 3
On high heat, use the remaining and sauté the garlic and green onions. After a minute add the mango and cook it down. Throw in all the remaining vegetables except the eggplant and cook for another two minutes until the veggies soften. Now add the eggplant and cook until they soften and absorb the mango/garlic.
Step 4
Pour the curry sauce over the veggies and stir thoroughly, making sure the eggplant has softened considerably. Toss in the chicken and mix it all together with the veggies and curry sauce. Cook another minute to ensure the flavors all absorb before serving over rice with some beer.
Leave a Comment » | asian, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, thai | Tagged: asian food, bang, chicken, cilantro, cilantro thai food, classy, Coconut curry, coconut milk, curry paste, delicious, dinner, easy, eggplant, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, lemon, mango, mushrooms, naked, rice, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful, soy sauce, spicy, thai curry, Thailand | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 8, 2008
- This hearty Italian classic will make anyone sing falsetto. Ave Maria, baby!
“Ave Maria!” you sing from the plaza of the Italian village. Your intended conquest comes out onto the balcony to gaze down at the lust in your eyes. You continue with your falsetto, beckoning your lovely to join you for a magnificent meal that will knock their socks and knickers off. They will smell the slow cooked perfection of this hearty, meaty dish from the “old country” and naturally follow you like a lemming on its way to an orgy. This is the power of great Italian food. The Italians pay such keen attention to the details whether it’s their fine tailored clothes or renowned culinary creations. Why should you treat the food any differently? You may or may not be Italian, but that doesn’t mean you should boil spaghetti and cover it with sauce from a jar. Cooking without passion is like banging without an orgasm. There is really no point. Don’t waste your date’s time or your charm on forgettable food. This dish is guaranteed to spice up your night. COOK TO BANG is not responsible should your lover scream aloud, “Mama Mia!”
Total time: approximately 1-3 hours depending on level of perfection desired
Projected cost for ingredients: $15 (still cheaper than a restaurant, many ingredients will last many more meals, and there will be leftovers)
Ingredients:
1. ½ cup of red wine
2. 1 tablespoon of salt
3. 1 28oz. can of crushed tomatoes
4. 1 tablespoon of crushed red pepper flakes
5. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
6. ½ cup of heavy cream (optional)
7. 1 pound of ground beef or turkey
8. 2 pork or chicken sausage links chopped into bite-sized pieces
9. Parmesan cheese
10. 2 handfuls of thinly sliced mushrooms
11. 2 carrots peels and shredded
12. 5 celery stalks chopped
13. 1 red onion minced
14. 1 pound pack of spaghetti
15. 5 garlic cloves minced
Step 1
Turn the stove on to medium heat. Heat the olive oil in a large stockpot and throw in the garlic and onions and cook until they are translucent. Throw in the mushrooms, carrots and celery and cook the veggies down, adding the crushed red pepper flakes for spice (adjust to your preference: ½ tablespoon = snore, 2 tablespoons = hot damn!).
Step 2
Add the ground meat and sausage to the stockpot, mix it up with the veggies and cook until the meat turns grey. Pour in the red wine and cook until the liquid dissolves.
Step 3
Boil water in a separate pot and cook the spaghetti al dente.
Step 4
Pour the crushed tomatoes into the stockpot with the veggies and meat and mix together thoroughly. Bring it all to a boil, then turn the heat down to its lowest setting and cook for 1-2 hours, occasionally stirring or adding water when sauce becomes too thick. If desired, stir in the heavy cream a few minutes before you are ready to eat and allow the sauce to thicken. Now serve the sauce over spaghetti with garlic bread and a bottle or red wine. Sing falsetto as you present the food if possible.
Leave a Comment » | asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, italian, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, carrot, celery, classic, classy, delicious, dinner, easy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, ground beef, guarantee, hearty, intercourse, italian, kinky, kitchen, meat sauce, meaty, naked, onion, pasta, red pepper flakes, romance, sausage, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful, spaghetti bolognese, spicy, tomato, turkey | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 24, 2008
- Mambo mango cook to bango
Regular salsa shouts out “yum!” but mango salsa says you’re both, “classy and well-endowed (with ability to cook).” This little condiments can take the mundane like a healthy (boring) baked chicken and make it magical. You can assure that anorexic supermodel that the calories are minimal. Besides, you’ll burn through those calories soon enough, you sex machine.
Ingredients:
1. 1 mango roughly chopped and depitted
2. 1 tomato roughly chopped
3. 1 handful of cilantro roughly chopped, stems removed
4. 1 green onion roughly chopped
5. ½ a lime
6. 1 jalapeño, deveined and deseeded, and roughly chopped
Step 1
Throw the chunks of mango, tomato, cilantro, green onion and jalapeno into a bowl and mix like a champ. Squeeze the lime.
Step 2
Mix vigorously so the ingredients are battered around like a 50’s housewife. Serve with chips, Mexican food, salad, or over fish/chicken.
4 Comments | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, chips, cilantro, healthy, jalepeno, lime, mango, mexican, salsa, SEDUCTION, spicy, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 24, 2008
Simple enough so you can figure out how to get that damn bra off.
If only seduction was as simple as making salsa. But simplicity is the root of innovation so go with it. Salsa with chips can be a nice light meal or compliments countless dishes. Over fish, tacos, eggs, you name it. Be sure to tell your date you made it from only the finest ingredients, even if you bought them off a truck.
Ingredients:
1. 2 tomatoes roughly chopped
2. 1 green onion roughly chopped
3. 1 handful of cilantro roughly chopped, stems removed
4. 1 jalapeño, deveined and deseeded, and roughly chopped
5. ½ a lime
6. Salt to taste
Step 1
Throw the chunks of tomato, green onion, cilantro and jalapeno into a bowl, squeeze the lime and throw in salt to taste.
Step 2
Mix like an 80’s hip-hop DJ until the salsa break-dances on your date’s tongue via a tortilla chip or your finest taco sampler.
1 Comment | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, cilantro, condiment, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, jalepeno, lime, mexican, onions, salsa, spicy, tacos, tomato, tortilla chips | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (serves 2):
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 