December 28, 2009
I'm always down for a little brown or black or yellow or white or whatever hottie comes my way
I’m pretty much down with every color of the rainbow. Call me an equal opportunity banger. If you photographed all my past play pals, you would have a perverse United Colors of Benetton ad. So long as she’s hot and wild, I will go there. My loins are open-minded and willing to give each and every heritage the opportunity to please and get pleased. What can I say? I have taken to heart what Martin Luther King, Jr. “Let them be judged not by the color of their skin, but the content of their character.” The only thing I would add is “the contents of their pantalones.” We’re all the same color when the bedroom lights are out. So with this inspiring call to tolerance in banging and life, I give you this sundae I made for a lady of a Latin heritage. She salsa-danced with her hips on my loins and made me scream “Ay dios mio!”
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Brandy or cognac
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 scoops vanilla ice cream
2. 2 tbsp butterscotch
3. 1 handful raspberries
4. 2 PINCH YOUR ASS-BERRY BROWNIES
5. 1 small handful chopped walnuts
Step 1
First heat up the butterscotch. Lay a brownie bed, scoop ice cream on top, surround with raspberries, pour over the hot butterscotch, and crown with walnuts and go nuts!
Leave a Comment » | 
RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: ay dios mio, bang, banging, brownie, brownie sundae recipe, butterscotch, cold, delicious, dessert, DIY, Down with brownie sundae, easy, equal opportunity banger, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hot, intercourse, kitchen, Latina, libi, martin luther king jr., naked, open-minded, pantalones, pinch your ass, raspberries, recipe, salsa-danced, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sweet, tasty, tolerance, united colors of Benetton, vanilla ice cream, walnuts, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
December 16, 2009
Date shakes make booties quake
After your hot date gets hotter and steamier, cool off with a refreshing date shake. There is nothing like the taste of ancient lands to flavor the already classic crowd-pleasing milkshake. The Mesoptamian and Egyptian culinary culture grew from dates, which flavored just about every meal. Considering the plethora of kinky among the originators of civilization, it’s a safe bet that using dates will help you evoke ancient sex gods. Just imagine the power of Ra pulsing through your body as you indulge in all manner of ethereal pleasures. Sip on that shake of yours, and get back to work!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Eating Buddy: HOT DUMB BLONDIES
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 cups milk
2. 3 scoop vanilla ice cream
3. 2 tbsp HONEY
4. 1 handful of dates
Step 1
Removed the pits from the dates and then thoroughly puree them with vanilla ice cream, honey, and milk until your ready to shake that booty. Garnish with an extra date on each glass if you want to look extra cool.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Middle Eastern, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: ancient history, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, culinary culture, date, date milkshake, date shake recipe, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, egypt, Egyptians, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, hot date shake, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, libido, mesopotamia, Mesopotamians, milk, naked, ra, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 7, 2009
It's important to catch up with old friends with benefits.
It’s always a trip banging someone you haven’t seen in a long while. The experience seems so foreign, yet so familiar. You remember their curves, their scent, and that thing they do with their tongue. There was definitely a reason that you once engaged in erotic research together. A three-course meal that will require half the day to prepare isn’t in the cards with that much catching up to do. In order to relive those misty watercolor memories of carnal connections, you should make something slamming that can be whipped up in a hurry. This is the concoction I threw together when such an occasion occurred. A long forgotten ex in town for business for a night was the lucky recipient of this accidental bang-de-force. I sent home-girl to her sales meeting with a bounce in her step from a pleasant evening catching up with ketchup.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Red vino always
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes salt
2. 1 dash BASIL flakes
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 3 tbsp ketchup
5. 2 handfuls kale
6. 8-OZ spaghetti
7. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
8. 1 handful goat cheese
9. 1 small eggplant chopped coarsely
10. ½ apple sliced thinly
Step 1
Create the sauce by sautéing the garlic with olive oil. Add the eggplant and a shot glass of water and cook until the water is absorbed (approx 3 min). Throw in the apples, smother them in olive oil, then toss in the kale, spice with salt and basil and cook down the ingredients (approx 4 min). Squeeze in the ketchup, mix around and slow simmer while you move onto Step 2.
Step 2
Salt the boiling water and cook the pasta al dente. Drain the pasta and add it to the pasta sauce and toss thoroughly. Plate up the pasta and crumble goat cheese over.
Serve this up quick and get back to the thick.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, italian, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple, bail, bang, bang-de-force, banging, calivirgin, carbohydrates, carboluscious, carbs, catch up sex, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, erotic research, ex, fast, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, goat cheese, gourmet, gourmet ketchup spaghetti recipe, guarantee, hearty, homemade, intercourse, italian, kale, ketchup, ketchup sex pasta, kitchen, libido, misty watercolor memories, naked, noodles, olive oil, pasta, recipe, salt, sauce, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spaghetti, tasty, vegetarian, veggies, white trash, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 11, 2009
Beet it because they need it!
Girdles are the absolute worst! I find clothing abhorrent. If nudist colonies weren’t of the fugly side of life, I might join them. So I settle with having a no-clothes policy in my house. My friends thinks it’s a little weird, but my late night companions don’t seem to spend an evening playing Nintendo Wii tennis naked. You ain’t seen nothing until you spy with your little eye naughty bits flying around hitting a video backhand. But clothes are a mandated part of polite society so I settle for accessorizing. One accessory I cannot abide by is the girdle. Do we really need more obstacles to get through? At least the bra and panty line of defense is a pleasure to view at while sneaking behind enemy lines. Luckily this salad is healthy and with repeat meals could reduce the reason for the same fuglies at the nudist colony to ever wear a girdle when they begrudgingly go to work dressed. Chock the flavor and cool red staining effect from the beets foreplay.
Total time: approximately 1 hour
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE, red and slutty is the theme
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 4 tbsp Greek yogurt
2. 1 dash salt
3. 3 2 large BEETS with stocks and leaves
4. Lemon juice to taste
Step 1
First chop away the stocks from the beets. Wash the stocks/leaves thoroughly. Chop away and seperate the stocks from the leaves, cutting them both smaller.
Step 2
Submerge the beets and stocks in boiling water and cook until you can easily penetrate the beets with a fork (approx 30 min). Drain the water and throw the beets and stock in ice water. Remove the boiled stocks and add them to the chopped beet leaves. Once the beets are cool, you can easily remove the skin before you slice them into thin rounds.
Step 3
Assemble your salad by laying a foundation of leaves/stocks, artfully place the beet rounds above, and smother the money shot of yogurt on top of each plate’s face. Squeeze a little lemon juice for some extra tang.
Serve this salad after a weekend of sexcess.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, greek, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, beet greek yogurt salad, Beet salad, beet yo-gurt-le salad served, beets, blood, bra, circulatory system, delicious, DIY, easy, food, foreplay, fugly, game changer, get laid, girdle, gourmet, greek yogurt, greens, greenss, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kidneys, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, Nintendo, obstacle, panties, recipe, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tennis, vegetarian, wii, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 9, 2009
Squash all resistance to your charms!
Some knucklehead who probably hasn’t seen a naked woman since his subscription to National Geographic ran out told me squash ain’t sexy. Granted it doesn’t pack the same luscious sex appeal as an oyster or fig, but damnit, squash has gotten me laid plenty of times. Squash is the perfect fall ingredient to prep you for the cold winter that lies ahead. They are inexpensive, tasty and versatile as a bisexual Cirque du Soleil performer. My problem is that I keep going back to my classic squash dishes. But you gotta break out of routine, no matter how awesome that routine might be, if you hope to attain glory. This little Frankenstein’s monster brought honor to my family; my reputation as a lady-slayer stands untarnished. It was spicy, sweet and comforting all at the same time. My one caution is that this side dish very well may outclass the rest of your meal. So cook with bravado!
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Hot Cider with a splash of bourbon
Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 apple
2. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
3. 1 dash salt
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
6. 3 petit pan squash
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2 large handfuls shredded mozzarella
9. 3 garlic cloves sliced thinly
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice the ends off the globe squash and cut into thin rounds. Do the same for the petit pan squash. Toss the squash with the garlic, olive oil, cayenne pepper and salt. Lay them out in a large flat baking pan.
Step 2
Core and slice up the apple into thin slices. Lay them evenly over the squash and season with cinnamon. Scatter the cheese across evenly and you’re ready to rumble.
Step 3
Throw the casserole in the oven and bake until the apples and squash soften, and the cheese melts (approx 30 min).
Serve as a kickass side to any number of outstanding ENTRÉES. You could eat it solo, it’s that good.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, southern, spicy, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple, bake, bang, banging, bisexual, bravado, calivirgin, casserole, cayenne pepper, cheese, cinnamon, cirque du soleil, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frankenstein’s monster, game changer, garlic, get laid, globe squash, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mozzarella, naked, naked woman, national geographic, olive oil, petit pan squash, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, spicy squash casserole, squash, squashtacular, tasty, toss, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 4, 2009
Your box of tasty wet dreams awaits!
Community Supported Agriculture boxes make all my cooking and banging possible. More importantly, it makes it affordable. This is in no ways sponsored. Payola is not going on, although to tell you the truth, selling out so I can fill a hot tub full of vodka-infused Jell-O sounds pretty good right about now. I just want to get the word out to all you food lovers looking to avoid auctioning off your organs to afford shopping at Whole Foods. That place is a food strip club with a “don’t touch the girls” vibe. I’ve dropped more ducats in that store than I have on strippers, booze and other illicit contraband combined. As a food whore, it was totally worth it. But I’ve found an alternative:
http://www.localharvest.org/csa/
I pay online ahead of time for a magical box that gets delivered to my local market. When I pick it up and take it home, I act like a giddy 80’s schoolgirl who finally got her autographed New Kids on the Block poster. What’s in the box varies week to week and never disappoints. It’s all local organic, seasonal, top-shelf produce that challenges me to create new recipes I throw on the site. Creating up with 5 new recipes every week can be= challenging. Luckily the CSA box makes decisions for me. I dropped $15 on this box and here’s what I found in it:
1. 1 pumpkin
2. 1 spaghetti squash
3. 2 eggplants
4. 1 cilantro bunch
5. 1 BASIL bunch
6. 1 kale bunch
7. 1 chard bunch
8. 3 petit pan squash
9. 2 summer squash
10. 2 yellow squash
11. 4 globe squash
12. 2 zucchini
13. 1 BEET bunch
14. 1 sugar snap pea pile
Your kidney and half your liver would be allocated to a wealthy Swiss industrialist if you bought the same goods at Whole Foods. But now you have a heap of amazing produce to turn into magnificent meals to seduce any number of sexy prospects. You’re already saving cash not taking your dates to restaurants. Imagine how much more you could save and then spend on booze and lube!
Below are some COOK TO BANG recipes directly inspired by what I found in this Foodie’s Pandora Box:
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, hippie, holidays, LEAFY & LOVELY, SEDUCTION, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, beet, box, challenge, chard, cheap, cilantro, community supported agriculture, CSA, csa box, delicious, DIY, drug dealer, easy, eggplant, food, food whore, game changer, get laid, globe squash, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hot tub, industrialist, intercourse, Jell-O, kale, kidney, kitchen, libido, local, naked, organic, petit pan squash, produce, pumpkin, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spaghetti squash, strip club, sugar snap pea, summer squash, surprise, swiss, tasty, top-shelf, vodka, whole foods, yellow squash, yummy, zucchini | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 2, 2009
Unleash the fury, with some banging curry!
For me, banging comes in waves. Sometimes I’m banging everything sexy in a 10-mile radius. Other times I am sitting alone in the dark wondering why not even my D-List booty calls aren’t returning my texts. Peaks and valleys, strikes and gutters, dude. My advice for dealing with this is to capitalize on those moments when you can bang the hottest piece of ass even wearing filthy sweatpants and crocs. Savor these times as if they were your last and by god man, bang them good and proper so they don’t vanish and tarnish your reputation as a lousy lay. Winter can be a lonely mistress. The best solution is to warm yourself back up with the spice of life. Nothing gets that done quite like spicy food and a hot snuggle buddy or three. When the snow flurries keep you inside, be sure to have something warm and sexy to flurry on.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $20
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a mango lassi
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ½ cup plain yogurt
3. 1 tsp ground cumin
4. 1 tbsp curry powder
5. 1 handful chopped cilantro
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 large eggplant
8. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
9. 1 small handful GINGER finely chopped
10. 2 garlic cloves finely chopped
11. CHILI PEPPERS at your discretion
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C. Throw the eggplant in the oven and roast until the eggplant softens (approx 30 min). Remove from the oven, allow to cool, peel away the skin, and then cut the meat into bite-sized cubes.
Step 2
Sauté the onions with the cumin, garlic and ginger until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the tomatoes and cook until they stew (approx 2 min)
Step 3
Throw in the eggplant, spice with the curry powder and chili pepper and cook in the flavor (approx 3 min). Add the yogurt and cook until it all becomes creamy curry goodness (approx 2 min). Throw in the cilantro and you are good to go.
Serve this curry dish with your favorite RICE DISH or some delicious naan.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, indian, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, banging flurry eggplant curry recipe, boot call, capitalize, chili pepper, cilantro, cold, crocs, cumin, curry, curry powder, d-list, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, eggplant curry recipe, food, frigid, game changer, garlic, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, India, indian, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lonely mistress, naked, new delhi, olive oil, onion, recipe, roast, sauté, savor, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, snuggle buddy, spicy, sweatpants, tasty, tomato, vegan, vegetarian, winter, yogurt, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 27, 2009
Pesto will get the best-o the closet hos.
I was baffled when I received numerous queries from readers who’ve never used or even tasted pesto. First I shed a tear for them, heartbroken they’ve gone through life without the green APHRODISIAC potion. But after my bleeding heart was drained of all liquid and empathy, I resolved to lead those lost souls to the promise land. There is no substitute for homemade pesto…maybe homemade pesto brought into the bedroom for Culinarylingus. This will take your culinary seduction game to a new level. I hope you’re ready to leap onto the highway to the endangered zone. “Why endangered?” you ask. Because ecstatic feelings brought on by a combo of the bliss on your tongue inspiring your date’s tongue to give you even more bliss. Call the World Wildlife Federation because we have solved this crisis. Now go forth and multiply multiple orgasms!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what amazing feasts you rock with it
Ingredients:
1. 3 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 large BASIL bunch
3. 4 garlic cloves sliced thinly
4. 1 large handful raw PINE NUTS
5. 1 large handful parmesan cheese
Step 1
First pluck all the basil leaves, discarding any that have wilted. Wash them off and chop them coarsely.
Step 2
Using a blender, hand-blender or food processor (pictured), combine the garlic, pine nuts, parmesan and olive oil and puree them. Make sure it all blended together and add the basil, pureeing once more so you have some radioactive green pesto to go to town with.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, bleeding heart, calivirgin, condom-ment, crisis, culinarylingus, delicious, DIY, easy, empathy, endangered zone, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, homemade pesto recipe, intercourse, kitchen, libido, multiple orgasms, naked, olive oil, parmesan cheese, pine nuts, puree, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, undress yo pesto recipe, world wildlife federation, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 23, 2009
Double trouble looking for a piece of that bubble!
You know the deal. Society tells us to behave, to color within the lines, to speak when spoken to. That’s all well and good if you’re a eunuch. But what about those of us with a spine flowing with spunk? We’re not just going to lie down and endure our master’s cruel, but fair beatings for stepping out of line. No bloody way! We are our own masters and being as such, we color way outside the lines and even off the page. That’s why we Cook to Bang and not Cook to Cuddle. So whose to say a tofu stir-fry has to marinate in apologetic afterthought? Why not be bold with that palette so it grabs your date’s collar and shake them, screaming, “I’m an interesting person!” Glad you see it my way. Now stir up some trouble with that healthy meal of yours.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Kombucha or some dank, heady beer, bra
Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 tbsp peanut butter
3. 1 tbsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
5. ½ onion chopped coarsely
6. 1 handful parsley chopped coarsely
7. 1 tofu block
8. ½ lime quartered
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
Step 1
Cut the tofu block into bite-sized pieces. Toss with soy sauce, Sriracha and limejuice and marinate (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the garlic and onions in olive oil until they become translucent (approx 3 min). Add the peanut butter and stir until in melts into the onion. Throw in the tofu with the marinade and sauté along with the parsley until the tofu softens (approx 5 min).
Squeeze limejuice over it and serve solo or with some RICE.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, fusion, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bloody, calivirgin, chili sauce, cook to cuddle, cruel, delicious, DIY, easy, eunuch, fast, flavor, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hippie, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, marinate, naked, olive oil, onion, parsley, peanut butter, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, spicy, sriracha, stir fry, tasty, tofu, tofu stir-fry recipe, vegan, vegetarian, veggie, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 21, 2009
Get stuffed? Don't mind if I do!
Be ready to feel overshadowed unless you are packing serious heat (in your oven). That ain’t necessarily a bad thing. This banana oozes with chocolate gooeyness. You’re golden so long as you regard this APHRODISIAC overdose as a friend and not foe. You will be hard-pressed not to sing cult-like praises once you take your first bite, or second or third where you stuff it all into your mouth and wish you had made a few extra. There’s a high probability you may forget your date is even there once the gorging begins. But fear not for they will be reacting in a similarly compromising manner so you will be in good company. You will both be locked into an alternate chocolaty universe where you frolic among the folds of strawberry and banana. Unless you ascend to the heavens, you can then ravage each other until the euphoria wears off. Win-win, if you ask me.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a SMOKING HOT PEPPERMINT FATTY
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 2 bananas
2. 5 STRAWBERRIES
3. 1 handful dark CHOCOLATE chips or shards
4. Powdered sugar (optional and not pictured)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice open the top of the banana all the way through to split the meat. Slice the strawberries thinly and stuff into the banana. Stuff the chocolate evenly with the strawberries.
Step 2
Throw the stuffed bananas into the oven and bake until the chocolate melts (approx 40 min). Remove from the oven and sprinkle some powdered sugar if you’re feeling it. Serve up with a spoon. Vanilla ice cream might go nicely with it.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alternate universe, aphrodisiac, bake, baked chocolate banana recipe, banana, bang, banging, chocolate, cocoa, cult, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, euphoria, foe, food, friend, game changer, get laid, gooeyness, gorging, gourmet, guarantee, heavens, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, overdose, powdered sugar, ravage, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, split, sprinkle, strawberry, stuff, stuff that chocolate banana recipe, sweet, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, win-win, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 