March 18, 2016
Layer upon layer of resistance-slayers.
This recipe goes out to all the March madness maniacs. According to my research, a girl from I was banging, 7 Layer Dip is the ultimate sports-viewing treat. Forgive me if I was misinformed. Rather than curse my inaccuracies with mob justice your time would be better served recreating this dish and serve it up to your football-viewing posse. People who like variety are well sorted with this All-American concoction. The 7 Layer Dip is sort of like a chameleon lover who will become whatever you want them to be. Whether you want white, black, Latin, Asian, or a magical mix, you will get your fill. Talk about a menagerie of flavor! Make this dip, bring it to the party, and go home with some impressed hottie for the win!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Beer, beer, and more beer!
Ingredients (Serves a whole party):
1. 1 bag tortilla chips
2. 1 can refried bean
3. 1 small container sour cream
4. SIMPLY SEXY SALSA
5. GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE
6. 2 handfuls jack cheese
7. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful black olives diced
Step 1
Warm up the refried beans on medium-low heat, mixing in the tomatoes (approx 5 min). Evenly pour the beans into your serving bowl.
Step 2
Pour in the contents of these evenly in this order: salsa, green onions, half the jack cheese, sour cream, guacamole, olives, and the remaining cheese.
Place the chips artfully around the edge of the dip right before serving. Hear those cheers? They aren’t for the latest sack. It’s for your sexy ass!
Leave a Comment » | 
FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, mexican, RECIPES, sports, Super bowl, vegetarian | Tagged: 7 layer dip recipe, 7 layers of awesome dip, all-american, bang, banging, black olives, chameleon, college basketball, colts, delicious, dip, DIY, easy, food, football, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guacamole, guarantee, homemade, Indiana, Indianapolis, intercourse, jack cheese, jocks, kitchen, libido, march madness, menagerie, naked, nfl, recipe, refried beans, salsa, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sour cream, sports, superbowl, superbowl recipes, tasty, tomatoes, tortilla chips, touchdown, usa, vegetarian, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
March 17, 2016
Get lucky like an Irishman in pub full of drunken tarts.
I felt sorry for Lucky the Leprechaun because those shithead kids wouldn’t share any Lucky Charms. How hard would it have been to hook the little guy up with a small bowl of that artificial flavored filth? Leave it up to us Americans to exploit and bastardize yet another cultural icon. You can hardly blame the half-pint of Guinness for turning to the sauce. At least we now have a symbol to blame all our mid-March misgivings on. We’ll give props to some forgotten Catholic Saint of Ireland, eat some processed potato product and indulge in whiskey and beer. Green is THE color and a perfect excuse to pinch the hot ass of that lass or lad not following the day’s chosen color palette. Green our drinks shall be whether you choose to pour food dye into your Guinness or try on this COOK TO BANG exclusive. It is sure to bring out the Lecherous Leprechaun in all of us. So how about it, you lovely lasses? Wanna set free the leprechaun in my pants? There’s a pot of gold at the base of my half rainbow.
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: approximately $15 (depending on price of the booze)
Eating Buddy: HO’S MAY BLOW-TATOES
Ingredients (per drink):
1. 1 shot of Sour Apple Pucker
2. 1 shot of vodka
3. Club soda
4. ¼ lime cut up and squeezed
5. 1 large handful of ice
Step 1
Squeeze ¼ of a lime into the glass, dropping the remains into the glass after. Throw in a large handful of ice, and then pour in 1 shot of vodka and 1 shot of Sour Apple Pucker. Top each glass off with club soda and mix it all together. Drink up before that leprechaun finishes your bevy for you.
2 Comments | irish, libation lubrication, RECIPES | Tagged: alcohol, alcoholic beverage, bang, booze, catholic, club soda, delicious, DIY, drink, drunk, easy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green, guarantee, Guinness, homemade, ice, intercourse, Ireland, irish, kitchen, Lecherous leprechaun drink recipe, leprechaun, libation lubrication, lime, liqueur, lucky charms, march, naked, pot of gold, potato, rainbow, recipe, seduce, sex, sour apple pucker, St. Patrick’s day, tasty, verde, vodka, wet, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 16, 2016
Lick lick lick its so sick sick sick (as in good)!
Apply your whole tongue. Don’t be shy now. You want to start from the base and work that saliva up and down and all around the nub. You’re doing something right when there’s twitching and squirming. How else are you supposed to suck every bit of flavor our of a pot sticker soup? I’m all ears if you have a better idea. For now, we’ll just have to settle for overzealous tongue action that renders your company slaphappy and craving a cigarette even when they don’t smoke. This Thai inspired soup guide your taste organ to its happy ending.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Thai beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can Tom Yum Soup*
2. ½ can coconut milk*
3.1 handful green onions chopped
4. 1 handful cilantro chopped
5. 2 handfuls of frozen gyoza/pot-stickers*
6. 1 wedge lime (not pictured)
*available at Asian markets
Step 1
Boil the pot-stickers in the Tom Yum soup until they soften (approx 5 min). Use a spatula to break them up in bite-sized pieces.
Step 2
Pour in the coconut milk along with the green onions, cilantro and limejuice and simmer, stirring occasionally (approx 3 min).
Serve soup up in bowls with solo or a kick ass ENTRÉE.
Leave a Comment » | asian, fusion, healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, poultry, spicy, thai | Tagged: asian, bang, banging, broth, cigarette, cilantro, coconut milk, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frozen pot sticker, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, gyoza, happy ending, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lick her pot sticker soup, lime, naked, nub, pot sticker soup recipe, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, spicy, tasty, thai, thai soup recipe, Thailand, tom yum soup, tongue, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 11, 2016
Abra Bang-dabra!
POOF! Hear that? It’s the sound of a bra disappearing. Straight into thin air. Never seen anything like it. There was this art chick I invited home for food after a gallery party comparing my sandwich to Green Eggs and Ham. But then the avant-garde skeptic stopped making deranged metaphors and took a big green bite…POOOF! Her entire top vanished by the time she finished the first half of the sandwich. The second half was powerful enough to finish the job on her, and then make my pantaloons implode in a supernova. The curse of unnecessary clothing that baffled nerdy scientists for centuries has now been eradicated with the enchanted aphrodisiac PESTO (basil, pine nuts).
MAGIC 1 – SCIENCE 0
Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: art, avant garde, avocado, bang, basil, bread, chicken, chicken sandwich, condiments, condom-ments, delicious, DIY, dr Seuss, easy, gallery, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green, green eggs and ham, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, mayonnaise, naked, no clothes, olive oil, pesto, Pesto chicken sandwich recipe, pine nuts, poof, recipe, rolls, seduce, sex, supernova, tasty, tomato, vanish, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 9, 2016
Bob Cobb would be proud…or he might be rolling in his grave.
You can’t argue with a classic. The Cobb Salad is a staple of any lunch spot. But who says it can’t kick start a date into hyper drive? It certainly passes the health stress test with the fiber, protein and low-fat content. You almost forget how nourishing it is because each bite tastes like a magical mystery tour in your mouth. The crunch of the lettuce, creaminess of the bleu cheese, aphrodisiac avocado explosion, & meaty monkey business in the chicken and bacon all lead you to one conclusion: God-fucking-damn!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 teaspoon of olive oil
3. 2 teaspoons of red wine vinegar
4. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
5. 1 teaspoon of Dijon mustard
6. 1 handful + 1 teaspoon of bleu cheese crumbled
7. 3 strips of cooked bacon
8. 1 cooked chicken breast, grilled or baked
9. 1 AVOCADO diced into bite-sized pieces
10. 1 hard-boiled egg
11. 1 tomato diced
Step 1
Mix up the dressing by combining the Dijon mustard, ed wine vinegar, olive oil, black pepper and 1 teaspoon of blue cheese. Set aside.
Step 2
Wash the romaine, cut off the stock, then cut bite-size pieces of lettuce, and line the bottom of a salad bowl. Throw the chopped tomato on top. Slice the egg thinly and spread them out evenly. Chop up the bacon into bits and spread it out too. Chop the chicken breast into bite-sized pieces and scatter those on top. Do the same with a handful of blue cheese and crown it all with avocado.
Step 3
Serve up the plates of salad, tonging up a plateful as is. DO NOT TOSS! You want the layers of Cobb glory to shine like a Tiffany diamond. Scoop in your desired amount of dressing and let the good times roll.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, black pepper, bleu cheese, chicken breast, cobb and balls, Cobb salad recipe, cock and balls, creamy, crunchy, delicious, dijon mustard, DIY, dressing, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, greens, guarantee, hardboiled egg, healthy, heart healthy, homemade, hyper drive, intercourse, kitchen, lunch, magical mystery tour, meaty, monkey business, naked, nourishing, olive oil, recipe, red wine vinegar, romaine lettuce, salad, seduce, sex, tasty, tomato, toss your salad, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 4, 2016
2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.
My apologies to any of my fair-headed readers who take offense to this post. I don’t assume all blondes are morons with difficulty pushing open doors that are clearly marked PULL. Just the majority I meet. On the flip side, these golden-haired vixens and vicks enjoy a demi-gods status. Their behavior is excused because of their hair follicle pigment. To each his own. Just I have indulged in every flavor in the rainbow from ginger to Mohawk, I have tasted a few blondies in my day. There’s a certain comfort indulging in a lighter fare that lacks the punch of a brownie, but makes up for it with the ooey gooey. What makes these blondies especially fun is that they lure in the blondes like cheese on a mousetrap. Dish them out like drug dealers passing out samples at the playground. Soon you’ll have a sea of hot dumb blondes eager for a Hot Dumb Blondie fix.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a BANANA RAM-YA MILKSHAKE
Ingredients:
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 cups brown sugar
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 tsp vanilla extract
5. ½ tsp salt
6. 1 baking powder
7. 2 tbsp HONEY
8. 1½ cups crushed walnuts
9. 4 sticks/2cups unsalted butter
10. 1 handful fresh mint leaves
Step 1
Preheat oven to350°F/175°C. Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt.
Step 2
Melt the butter down and mix in the brown sugar, vanilla extract, honey, mint leaves and eggs. Combine this mixture with the sifted flour mixtures. Add the walnuts and whisk it all together.
Step 3
Line the baking pan with foil. Pour in the blondie batter and bake in the oven until the batter firms (approx 25-30 min). Allow it to cool, and then pull the foil away from the pan and spread it flat. Slice up the blondies, as you will.
Serve a la mode, on the go, or lure in potential dates with these tasty bites.
4 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, baking powder, bang, banging, blondie recipe, brown sugar, brownie, butter, crushed walnuts, delicious, DIY, drug dealer, easy, eggs, fair-headed, fix, flour, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, golden-haired, gourmet, guarantee, hair follicle, homemade, honey, hot dumb blondies, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mint, Mohawk, naked, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, vanilla extract, vixens, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 29, 2016
French your breakfast and your date will be Frenching you
Holy shit, it’s a leap year! That means paradox like the English and French getting along. Some say the English need to loosen up. They walk around with their quiet desperation eager to break out of their shells and become the wild men and women that would make their ancestors gasp. This tends to happen whenever limeys leave the UK and travel to exotic locales. Ibiza…nuff said. Perhaps a little French Laissez-faire is just the ticket. So alas, I have employed a little French to make the sexiest English muffin you ever did eat. It was pure accident and the girl I made it for wasn’t even English or French for that matter. But with no bread in sight and my sweet tooth demanding tribute be paid, I made do. I’m sure glad I didn’t have bread because I was down to French these English muffins all morning. My date from the previous night was confused, thinking it a tad early in our affair for me to make proclamations of love. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was speaking to my breakfast. But then she took a bite and the love fest continued well into the afternoon.
Total time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ¼ cup milk
2. ½ cup maple syrup
3. ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 eggs
6. 2 English muffins
7. 1 banana
8. 1 tbsp butter
9. 1 handful raisins
Step 1
Create the batter by whipping up the eggs, cinnamon, vanilla extract and milk.
Step 2
Split the English muffins in half and submerge them in the batter. Heat up a pan or griddle on medium heat and grease it with the butter. Throw the soaked English muffins on the pan all together and pour the excess batter over. Cook each side until it browns and flip (approx 3 min per side).
Step 3
While you are Frenching the toast, create the extra awesome syrup. Heat up the syrup in a small bowl, chop the banana into bite-sized pieces and toss them in with the raisins. Cook until the syrup boils and the bananas brown slightly (approx 2 min). Serve over your sexed up English muffins and hold on for dear life.
Serve this breakfast knowing full well that you could swim across the English channel, bridging that cultural gap.
Leave a Comment » | french, fusion, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: ancestors, banana, bang, banging, breakfast, british, butter, cinnamon, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, England, English muffin, food, France, french, French toast English muffin recipe, frenching your English muffin recipe, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, improvise, intercourse, kitchen, Laissez-faire, libido, maple syrup, milk, morning, naked, proclamation, raisins, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, straight-laced, sweet, tasty, UK, vanilla extract, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 26, 2016
Epic fail? Hardly!
There are few sure things in this world. You can count on the sun rising, taxman finding you and herpes to come back with a vengeance. But most promises of satisfaction guaranteed have so many disclaimers that it’s impossible to get your money back. Even banging isn’t always guaranteed to wow when you sleep with a prude without the interest or skills to get your rocks off. My advice is to move on quickly from these cold fish in search of the flippier floppier variety. One rare exception to the litany of disappointments is this healthy, tasty, morning-wood inducing dish. You got your greens, protein and carbs working together to make you the sex machine of the hour. If you do fail to inspire sexy time with this, you might just be a libido-less zombie. You might want to get that checked out.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes of black pepper
2. 2 dashes of salt
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 slices of bread
5. ¼ AVOCADO sliced thinly
6. 4 handfuls of fresh kale
Step 1
Remove the stems from the kale and chop coarsely. Throw in boiling water, cook until the kale turns bright green and softens (approx 5 min).
Step 2
Toast the bread and poach the eggs while the kale boils.
Step 3
Place boiled kale evenly between the two slices of bread. Throw the poached egg on top and crown them with slices of avocado. Add a dash of salt and pepper and voila!
Serve up this healthy breakfast to your date in bed, before you get back to the business of banging.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, black pepper, boil, boiled kale breakfast recipe, bread, breakfast, carbs, dawn, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, fiber, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green, guarantee, guaranteed, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kale, kitchen, libido, morning, morning sex, MORNING WOOD, naked, never fail boiled kale breakfast recipe, poach, protein, prude, recipe, roughage, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sure thing, tasty, toast, yummy, zombie | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 24, 2016
Serve this dish up like the sexy Chippendale you are!
Nothing screams out sex appeal for the ladies like a buff dude in a bowtie with a fake collar and cuffs. That’s the Chippendale way. Keeping it classy but lust inspiring at the same time. Make the married ladies scream. Give them something to fantasize about while their husbands bang them with brief, disinterested strokes. Win win. That’s what this stupidly simple dish is about. Tap into the unbridled lust that only bowtie-wearing dancers can inspire. I hope you have your dance revue choreographed. Remember…step forward, step back, spin around, clap and THRUST! Just don’t spill the kick ass contents on the plate while making those moves.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 6 ounces of dried bowtie pasta
2. 1 8-ounce can of tomato sauce
3. 1 can of TUNA
4. ½ cup of milk
5. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
6. ½ an onion diced finely
7. 2 garlic cloves diced finely
Step 1
Boil the pasta al dente (follow instructions, approx 12 min) and drain. While the pasta boils move onto Step 2. When pasta is done, toss it into the sauce and mix.
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil on medium heat. Sauté the garlic and onions (approx 3 min), adding salt if you so desire. Drain the tuna cans and toss in the pan and cook (approx 2 min) into it. Pour in the tomato sauce cook until it all goes red (approx 2 min). Finally pour in the milk and reduce by simmering on low heat as the sauce pinkens.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, italian, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, bowtie pasta, carbohydrates, carbs, Chippendale, Chippendale tuna past recipe, dancers, delicious, DIY, easy, fish, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lust, male dancers, married ladies, milk, naked, olive oil, onion, pink sauce, recipe, seafood, seduce, sex, tasty, thrust, tomato sauce, tuna fish pink sauce with pasta, tuna pasta sauce, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 22, 2016
Ali Babaganoush and his forty thieving whores
Yowch! Sorry about that. I thought I was pinching someone else’s ass. But it felt so right to have my thumb and index finger sampling your goods. Not bad at all. Now that we’ve gotten past the whole digital sexual harassment woes, you hungry? Figured the drooling, stomach growling and eye fucking my food had to mean something. This spoiling eggplant came through in a pinch. While I recommend cooking with fresh ingredients, we gotta make do in this flaccid economy. Hence, we cook your meals at home and reap the randy rewards. Once roasted, this reborn eggplant brought joy to two very hungry, horny people. Both of our tushes were pinched, spanked and a few things you don’t want to know about.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Crisp white wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash cumin
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 2 tbsp tahini (sesame paste)
6. 1 large eggplant
7. 2-3 pitas
8. ½ lemon juice
9. 1 handful parsley chopped
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 handful de-pitted kalamata olives
Step 1
Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Poke eggplant with a fork like a prison-shivving. Throw the abused eggplant into the oven and cook until it softens (approx 30 min). Let the eggplant cool down, then split and scoop out the meat.
Step 2
Puree the cooked eggplant with lemon juice, tahini, parsley, olives, garlic, olive oil, salt, cumin and black pepper.
Step 3
Cut the pita into little pie pieces and arrange around a plate. Slap the babaganoush right in the middle and serve it up with some foreplay.
Leave a Comment » | healthy, Middle Eastern, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: Armenian, baba ganoush, babaganoush recipe, bang, banging, black pepper, condo, condom-ments, cumin, delicious, DIY, easy, finger, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, flaccid economy, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, horny, intercourse, kalamata olives, kitchen, large eggplant, lemon, libido, Middle Eastern, naked, olive oil, parsley, pinch your tush, pita, puree, reborn, recipe, roasted, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sexual harassment, spoiling, tahini, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 