FRENCHING YOUR ENGLISH MUFFIN

February 29, 2016
frenching your english muffin served 2

French your breakfast and your date will be Frenching you

Holy shit, it’s a leap year! That means paradox like the English and French getting along. Some say the English need to loosen up.  They walk around with their quiet desperation eager to break out of their shells and become the wild men and women that would make their ancestors gasp.  This tends to happen whenever limeys leave the UK and travel to exotic locales.  Ibiza…nuff said.  Perhaps a little French Laissez-faire is just the ticket.  So alas, I have employed a little French to make the sexiest English muffin you ever did eat.  It was pure accident and the girl I made it for wasn’t even English or French for that matter.  But with no bread in sight and my sweet tooth demanding tribute be paid, I made do.  I’m sure glad I didn’t have bread because I was down to French these English muffins all morning.  My date from the previous night was confused, thinking it a tad early in our affair for me to make proclamations of love.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was speaking to my breakfast.  But then she took a bite and the love fest continued well into the afternoon.

frenching your english muffin prepTotal time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ¼ cup milk
2. ½ cup maple syrup
3. ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 eggs
6. 2 English muffins
7. 1 banana
8. 1 tbsp butter
9. 1 handful raisins

Step 1
Create the batter by whipping up the eggs, cinnamon, vanilla extract and milk.
frenching your english muffin batter
Step 2
Split the English muffins in half and submerge them in the batter.  Heat up a pan or griddle on medium heat and grease it with the butter.  Throw the soaked English muffins on the pan all together and pour the excess batter over.  Cook each side until it browns and flip (approx 3 min per side).
frenching your english muffin pan
Step 3
While you are Frenching the toast, create the extra awesome syrup.  Heat up the syrup in a small bowl, chop the banana into bite-sized pieces and toss them in with the raisins.  Cook until the syrup boils and the bananas brown slightly (approx 2 min).  Serve over your sexed up English muffins and hold on for dear life.
frenching your english muffin syrup
Serve this breakfast knowing full well that you could swim across the English channel, bridging that cultural gap.
frenching your english muffin served

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NEVER FAIL KALE BREAKFAST

February 26, 2016
Epic fail?  Hardly!

Epic fail? Hardly!

There are few sure things in this world.  You can count on the sun rising, taxman finding you and herpes to come back with a vengeance.  But most promises of satisfaction guaranteed have so many disclaimers that it’s impossible to get your money back.  Even banging isn’t always guaranteed to wow when you sleep with a prude without the interest or skills to get your rocks off. My advice is to move on quickly from these cold fish in search of the flippier floppier variety.  One rare exception to the litany of disappointments is this healthy, tasty, morning-wood inducing dish.  You got your greens, protein and carbs working together to make you the sex machine of the hour.  If you do fail to inspire sexy time with this, you might just be a libido-less zombie.  You might want to get that checked out.

boiled kale breakfast prepTotal time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes of black pepper
2. 2 dashes of salt
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 slices of bread
5. ¼ AVOCADO sliced thinly
6. 4 handfuls of fresh kale

Step 1
Remove the stems from the kale and chop coarsely.  Throw in boiling water, cook until the kale turns bright green and softens (approx 5 min).
boiled kale breakfast chop boil
Step 2
Toast the bread and poach the eggs while the kale boils.
boiled kale breakfast toast poach
Step 3
Place boiled kale evenly between the two slices of bread.  Throw the poached egg on top and crown them with slices of avocado.  Add a dash of salt and pepper and voila!
boiled kale breakfast assemble
Serve up this healthy breakfast to your date in bed, before you get back to the business of banging.

boiled kale breakfast served 2

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CHIPPENDALE TUNA PASTA

February 24, 2016
Serve this dish up like the sexy Chipenndale you are!

Serve this dish up like the sexy Chippendale you are!

Nothing screams out sex appeal for the ladies like a buff dude in a bowtie with a fake collar and cuffs.  That’s the Chippendale way.  Keeping it classy but lust inspiring at the same time.  Make the married ladies scream.  Give them something to fantasize about while their husbands bang them with brief, disinterested strokes.  Win win.  That’s what this stupidly simple dish is about.  Tap into the unbridled lust that only bowtie-wearing dancers can inspire.  I hope you have your dance revue choreographed.  Remember…step forward, step back, spin around, clap and THRUST!  Just don’t spill the kick ass contents on the plate while making those moves.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

tuna bowtie pasta prepIngredients (Serves 2):
1. 6 ounces of dried bowtie pasta
2. 1 8-ounce can of tomato sauce
3. 1 can of TUNA
4. ½ cup of milk
5. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
6. ½ an onion diced finely
7. 2 garlic cloves diced finely

Step 1
Boil the pasta al dente (follow instructions, approx 12 min) and drain.  While the pasta boils move onto Step 2. When pasta is done, toss it into the sauce and mix.
tuna bowtie pasta noodles
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil on medium heat.  Sauté the garlic and onions (approx 3 min), adding salt if you so desire.  Drain the tuna cans and toss in the pan and cook (approx 2 min) into it.  Pour in the tomato sauce cook until it all goes red (approx 2 min).  Finally pour in the milk and reduce by simmering on low heat as the sauce pinkens.
tuna bowtie pasta saucetuna bowtie pasta served

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PINCH-YOUR-TUSH BABAGANOUSH

February 22, 2016
Ali Babaganoush and his forty thieving whores

Ali Babaganoush and his forty thieving whores

Yowch!  Sorry about that.  I thought I was pinching someone else’s ass.  But it felt so right to have my thumb and index finger sampling your goods.  Not bad at all.  Now that we’ve gotten past the whole digital sexual harassment woes, you hungry?  Figured the drooling, stomach growling and eye fucking my food had to mean something.  This spoiling eggplant came through in a pinch.  While I recommend cooking with fresh ingredients, we gotta make do in this flaccid economy.  Hence, we cook your meals at home and reap the randy rewards. Once roasted, this reborn eggplant brought joy to two very hungry, horny people.  Both of our tushes were pinched, spanked and a few things you don’t want to know about.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes

Projected cost: $5

Drinking Buddy: Crisp white wine

babaganoush prepIngredients (serves 2):

1. 1 dash cumin

2. 1 dash salt

3. 1 dash black pepper

4. 1 tbsp olive oil

5. 2 tbsp tahini (sesame paste)

6. 1 large eggplant

7. 2-3 pitas

8. ½ lemon juice

9. 1 handful parsley chopped

10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely

11. 1 handful de-pitted kalamata olives

Step 1

Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Poke eggplant with a fork like a prison-shivving.  Throw the abused eggplant into the oven and cook until it softens (approx 30 min). Let the eggplant cool down, then split and scoop out the meat.

babaganoush eggplant

Step 2

Puree the cooked eggplant with lemon juice, tahini, parsley, olives, garlic, olive oil, salt, cumin and black pepper.

babaganoush assemble

Step 3

Cut the pita into little pie pieces and arrange around a plate.  Slap the babaganoush right in the middle and serve it up with some foreplay.

babaganoush pita

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WINTER VEGGIE STIR-FRY ORGY

February 10, 2016

Lights, camera, hardcore action!

Winter vegetables are way kinkier than anyone credits them for.  It’s sort of like the meek librarian who sluts it up in Vegas or the mild-mannered accountant that spends his lunch hour at a dominatrix dungeon. There’s always something sinful underneath the surface. Sometimes you just gotta dig a little. You dig? That is what I learned when I threw a little get together for my winter veggie friends. We all had a few drinks, noshed on some shrooms, and then played some Al Green. What happened next was straight out of a bad 70’s porno. The radish made cad remarks to the broccoli about her fine looking stalk and then broke out some aphrodisiacs they used as sex toys. Once things got saucy there was nothing I could do but grab the camera like a good porn director would. Fingers crossed that my little veggie porn wins at the 2010 AVN Awards for best Group Sex and/or Midget Felatio Film.

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Cabernet

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 tbsp OYSTER sauce (substitute w/ soy sauce to make vegan)
3. 2 tbsp sesame oil
4. 1 white radish
5. 1 head broccoli
6. 2 tbsp GINGER finely chopped
7. 1 tbsp BASIL finely chopped
8. 1/2 package mushrooms sliced thinly

Step 1
First rinse the white radishes, chop up the stems, and slice radish rounds thinly. Wash the broccoli, chop the ends of the stock away so the trees break apart, and chop up the broccoli leaves if you have them.

Step 2
Heat up the sesame oil in the pan on medium heat. Saute the ginger (approx 1 min). Lay the radish evenly around the pan, adding the basil and salt, cooking until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the broccoli, broccoli leaves, radish stems, and mushrooms. Stir-fry away once you add the oyster sauce until the leaves wilt and broccoli softens (approx 4 min).

This stir-fry is a perfect solo act, but would do nicely with something CARBOLUSCIOUS.

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CHEEKY CHINESE CHICKEN SALAD

February 8, 2016
The Chinese have given us so much: taoism, kung fu and food fusion.

The Chinese have given us so much: taoism, kung fu and food fusion.

This SALAD is so goddamn precocious.  It thinks it can get away with anything because it is so nutritious and low fat.  I turned my back for a second and it had already invited all its buddies over to my place for a salad tossing party.  Don’t mistake me for some prude.  I do a website called Cook To Bang after all.  But these salads got buck wild under my roof.  They drank all my booze, wore all my favorite clothes and one them took a joyride in my car.  If you see a CHARRED OCTOPUSSY SALAD driving a Volvo be sure to tell it to return my wheels.  But in spite of all the annoyance, I have such a soft spot for Chinese Chicken Salad that I’ll let it go.  Not sure I could say the same for the COBB & BALLS SALAD.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE or Arnold Palmer…w/ vodka

chinese chicken salad prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 1 tsp sesame seeds
3. 1 tbsp HONEY
4. 1 can water chestnuts
5. 1 can/jar mandarin oranges
6. 1 tsp minced GINGER
7. 1 carrot shredded
8. 1/3 red cabbage cut in strips
9. 1/3 green cabbage cut on strips
10. 1 chicken breast

Step 1
Pan-steam the chicken in a thin layer of water, flipping once (approx 15 min).  Cut the meat into cubes.
chinese chicken salad pan steam
Step 2
Create the dressing by whisking together the soy sauce, honey, sesame seeds and ginger.
chinese chicken salad dressing
Step 3
Toss the green cabbage, red cabbage, carrot, drained water chestnuts drained mandarin oranges and chicken with the dressing.
chinese chicken salad toss
Serve up on plates for a perfect lunchtime quickie.
chinese chicken salad served 2

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COCONUT COD-PIECE

February 5, 2016
Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!

Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!

I generally don’t recommend being bashful and covering up your naughty bits. But for some reason it has been deemed socially unacceptable to prance around naked in public. So when social decorum outweighs your exhibitionist tendencies, you need to figure out a classy way to cover up. Bring on the codpiece! Your most shocking parts will be hidden from view, yet you will leave everyone guessing what you could possibly be packing. And that’s just where you want to be. Apply this same hidden package of awesome theory to the meal you serve to your date. Nothing packs quite a flavor wallop like this black cod dish I made as an afterthought. The task at hand was preparing MISO HORNY COD that has been dropping panties since 2003. But I had leftover cod that required my swift attention lest these beautiful cuts of fish go the way of slap bracelets. So my date the following night was given a rarefied chance to try something new and totally untested. This dish is what follows and thank god for that! Lord knows she was thanking god in her own lascivious way. Read the rest of this entry »


LET THEM EAT SALMON CAKES

February 1, 2016

Patty cakes, salmon cakes, banger man! Bang me a salmon cake as fast as you can.

That Marie Antoinette was quite the strumpet of her day. This Versailles Vixen raised her bloomers for everyone in the court, men and women alike, except her pantywaist husband Louis XVI. What a scandal it must have been for the French queen to be a whore and the king likely gay. Every would-be suitor need only present an edible treat to Mademoiselle Antoinette and into her boudoir they would go. This was a precursor to COOK TO BANG. A little known historical fact: When Marie Antoinette said, ìLet them eat cake!î she meant salmon cakes. These are cheap and easy to create, but major crowd pleasers. If only Marie’s messenger hadn’t flubbed the message. Off with his head! Read the rest of this entry »


ARTICHOKE HEARTBREAKERS

January 27, 2016
You're a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!

You’re a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!

Hear that high-pitched sound not unlike a champagne glass shattering against the wall? That’s a million hearts being broken by this ass-gettin’ APHRODISIAC appetizer. The hook is that it’s baked, not deep-fried, keeping those asses slimmer and more inclined to get down later. Don’t wallow in bloated oily malaise. Bake those hearts before you break more hearts. I figured this out when I brought a platter for a playoff party. The diehard fans were crushed by the loss, but they took solace with my healthy-ish finger food. One particularly devastated, but delicious female fan got an extra dose of comforting by the chef. Soon her sorrow over her team’s seasonal demise was overshadowed by the fact I didn’t call her again. I still feel bad, but my calendar is jam-packed for the next month with more hearts to break. Next! Read the rest of this entry »


EDAMAME’S BOY

January 25, 2016

Enjoy the tsunami of edamame!

 

I don’t mind admitting I am a mama’s boy. Sure some conservatives might call me morally bankrupt. But I scoff at them because I still have a good relationship with my mother. She’s the one who taught me how to cook after all. Sure I may have taken the foundations of her teachings and used it to get girls out of my league to sleep with me. But isn’t that what innovation is all about? Take something simple like the act of cooking and run wild in a field or devious dandelions. That’s what I have done with edamame. Sure they taste great on their own, like nature’s candy. But I wanted to sex it up a bit. What better way to do that than smother them in aphrodisiacal flavor and roast them to perfection? Take it from this edamame’s boy; you will be happy you took my cue. Read the rest of this entry »