October 14, 2015
This breakfast is like so spiritual and full of heady karma, man.
The dirty longhairs have taken over breakfast! At least one that I picked up at a summer concert did. Mind you, she was a hot young not-yet-jaded hippie, but a hippie all the same. The previous night she proved herself to be a carnivore repeatedly stuffing a certain meat into her mouth. But come morning when the alcohol and whatever mind-alerting bohemian substance she may have been on wore off, the self-righteous hippie returned. There I was casually frying up bacon when she started lecturing me all about how the poor little piggies suffered. But this hippie-crite hottie was more than happy to eat eggs, neglecting to bemoan the miserable conditions of egg-laying hens. So I assembled the veggies in my fridge and did my best to improvise. This aphrodisiac triple-threat turned out pretty damn good for a meal on the fly. Good enough for me to bang her again before I inadvertently pissed her off when she saw the sign in my bathroom that reads: HIPPIES USE SIDE DOOR (no exceptions!). That saved me the trouble of announcing I was going seal clubbing that afternoon so she would leave. Read the rest of this entry »
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RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asparagus, avocado, bacon, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, bohemian, breakfast, carnivore, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, egg mchippie, egg-laying hens, English muffin, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, hippies use side door, homemade, intercourse, jaded, kitchen, libido, long hair, morning, naked, piggies, poach, recipe, salt, seal clubbing, seduce, SEDUCTION, self-righteous, sex, summer concert, tasty, toast, tomato, vegetarian, veggie egg sandwich, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
September 23, 2015
You are the pimp and your date is your whore-tilla
Are you cursed with dating prudes who just don’t put out? This is not unlike slamming your finger in a car door, but it’s your self-esteem that cries out in pain. Your first problem is that you shouldn’t try to pick up prospective dates at a Jonas Brothers concert. And even if you are a sucker who thinks meeting a nice girl or boy is the way to go, Cook To Bang like a champ and you will make that purity rings land perfectly in the trash with nothing but net. I have faith that you can turn the rosy-cheeked innocent into your sex slave with the right approach. That’s why I developed this hearty tortilla soup for you. It’s quite healthy, has an APHRODISIAC double threat, and seems wholesome at first glance. That is exactly how you should operate. Get in under the radar and then turn your date out. Turn that nun or choirboy into your own personal whore. Now hear yourself ROAR! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, mexican, RECIPES, spanish, spicy | Tagged: Anaheim chili, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, cheese, chicken, chicken broth, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hearty, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lime, mexican, mexico, naked, olive oil, onion, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, soup, spicy, tasty, tomato, Tortilla soup recipe, tortilla strip recipe, tortillas, warm, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 2, 2015
Lazy days, lazy ways, lazy lays
Sometimes you just want to gloss over the cooking and get right to the banging. Understandably so. But know this, my impatient pupil. You could very well jeopardize your whole skeezy agenda by rushing through. You need to at least appear to make the effort and show something for your trouble. So it better be damn impressive if you are going to throw something edible together in less than 10 minutes. Lucky COOK TO BANG has your back with an excessively simplistic finger food that is also reasonably good for you since you are toasting rather than frying in a pan. Behold the Lazadilla, a quesadilla so tasty, easy, and unmessy, that NASA has hired me to make crate-loads of these for the manned Mission to Mars. Hopefully these can at least convince your date to fly you to the moon. Houston, we have no problem! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, mexican, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, avocado, bang, cilantro, delicious, easy, easy to clean, finger food, first coarse, fresh, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, intercourse, jack cheese, jalapeño, kitchen, lazadilla recipe, mango, mexican, mexico, naked, quesadilla, Quesadilla recipe, recipe, salsa, sex, smoked gouda cheese, spicy, tasty, toast, toasted quesadilla recipe, toaster oven, tomato, tortilla, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 31, 2015
You're just grillin', like Bob Dylan!
This grilled chicken salad has all the fixings that will help you get that fix. Been hard up for some attention of the leisurely kind? Fret no more that you will die celibate and alone in a shack made of cow dung deep in the wilderness. This salad should help you get back on your feet and banging once more. Just step back and allow the grilled chicken to open up the flavor in this uber-healthy salad. You can lure whichever conquest you have your heart set on with promised of a high protein, low calorie waltz on their tongue. It’s an easy dish to play off like you threw it together without so much as a second thought. You can leave the impression that this is how you always eat because you are that awesome and nonchalant. Now you’ll have plenty of time to wow the shit out of your date with other impressive qualities like the ability to read palms, take out flies with a blowgun, and give someone an orgasm from across the room. Go and get them…at your leisure. Read the rest of this entry »
5 Comments | aphrodisiac, fusion, healthy, mexican, RECIPES | Tagged: apple, avocado, bang, barbecue, bbq, chicken, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, fiber, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, greens, grill, grilled chicken, Grilled chicken salad recipe, guarantee, healthy salad, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, limejuice, low calorie, mexican, mexico, mix, naked, olive oil, recipe, roughage, salsa, seduce, sex, simple, soy sauce, tasty, tomato, toss, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 17, 2015
Mickey D’s ain’t got nuthin’ on this morning delight
So your date has slept over and has a ridiculous craving for some artery clogging McDonalds. How gross and inconvenient! You can indulge their desire, save time and money, plus you’ll blow their mind with this vast improvement over the fast food original. This fine breakfast dish is extremely simple to prepare, plus it can be relatively healthy, thus giving you some much-needed nutrients depleted by a morning in bed. I first made this dish on a whim using minimal ingredients when a one-night stand demanded I drive her 3 miles away to the nearest fast food purveyor. First, I despise haphazardly prepared food, but more importantly I was only interested in one thing, and the Egg McMuffin demand was cock-blocking me. Luckily my ingenuity worked out A-OK. We both got what we wanted and I never saw her again. Ha! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, breakfast sandwich, cream cheese, delicious, easy, egg, Egg mcbangin, egg mcmuffin, egg sandwich, fancy, fast, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, naked, over easy, recipe, romance, sandwich, SEDUCTION, sex, sinwich, toast, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 4, 2015
Turkey turns ’em on, then turns ’em out. Yeow!
Hamburgers are not normally considered sexy, but they are a damn tasty staple of the American diet. Turkey meat however is leaner, meaner and greener. The protein does you right plus there’s less fat and twice the flavor when cooked right. My thanks go out to the Native Americans for turning the Pilgrims onto this precious bird (sorry about taking your land and all). The fire charring the meat empowers the caveman in every male chef. The lady chef or date can enjoy this tasty piece of the American dream and not worry about the dish going straight to her thighs. When you bit into the center and find the goat cheese goodness, a choir of angels with trumpets shall inspire a tryst of the kinkiest order. I tried a similar dish at a bourgeois New York restaurant priced somewhere upwards of $25. The bill hurt my wallet, but my palette was well satisfied and my brain full of inspiration. This summertime dish always leads to good times and enough erotic memories to last me through winter. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, dairy, fusion, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, poultry, RECIPES, summer | Tagged: avocado, bang, bbq, burger, delicious, fire, food, goat cheese, gourmet, gourmet turkey burger, grill, grillin' like a villain, hamburger buns, healthy, hot, love, lust, manly, masculine, onion, recipe, romance, sandwich, scallion, SEDUCTION, sex, sexy, simple, tomato, turkey | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 29, 2015
THis childhood classic never tasted so inappropriately scrumptious
Do you still think of grilled cheese sandwiches as a slice of American cheese thrown between two slices of Wonder Bread? The grilled cheese has come a long way and wants it’s day in court to appeal. Be an honorable judge and listen to the cheese plead its case as it melts on your tongue, accompanied by evidence in the form of tomato, avocado and cilantro. Only a cruel monster lacking in taste bud ethics could throw the book at a sandwich so deviously divine. I found this extreme makeover on a childhood classic to be an effective weekend lunch date meal. Grill these babies up, pop in a movie, pretend to yawn and throw your arm around your date. If your game is strong, the vibe is on, than you should be knocking boots ‘til the break of dawn. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: avocado, bang, cheddar, childhood, cilantro, classic, delicious, easy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, Grilled cheese sandwich, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, lunch, mozzarella, naked, romance, sandwich, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful, tomato | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 17, 2015
BBW…Big Beautiful Women…Brash Bold Wicked
This one goes out to all the Big Beautiful Ladies out there. I’m not too proud to admit that in the course of banging like a champion, I’ve entertained a few BBW with “great personalities”. So here’s a sexy salad with an amazing personality. It’s delicious, nutritious, and calorie-vicious. While most salads are meant to help you lose weight, a few rather yummy ones work the opposite way. The very nature of ranch dressing is an oxymoron: making lean salads fattening. But the creamy liquid does taste dreamy. Combine it with tangy BBQ sauce and the calorically-challenged will flock. This salad is sure to satisfy both of your cravings. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, LEAFY & LOVELY, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, barbecue chop chicken salad, bbq chop chicken salad recipe, bbq sauce, bbw, BBW BBQ Chop Chicken Salad recipe, big beautiful women, black beans, breast, calorically-challenged, chicken, cilantro, corn, creamy, delicious, DIY, dreamy, dressing, easy, fiber, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, great personality, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, lettuce, libido, naked, olive oil, ranch dressing, recipe, romaine, roughage, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tomato, tortilla chips, toss my salad, tossed salad, veggies, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 1, 2015
Who da freak? You da freak! And I sure do like it!
It’s about that time. What time you ask? It’s certainly not the time to get dull and apologetic. No sir. Put away the penny loafers and break out the rubber gimp suit. Time to act out your freakiest, kinkiest, most debauch fantasies EVER! Feel like covering yourself in honey and letting grizzly bears lick you clean? Go for it! Ever wonder what it would be like to eat a sandwich while banging someone’s brains out? No time like the present? Have you ever fantasized about combining watermelon into a salad? You are one sicko. But I love it! There are no rules here. We’ll designate a safe word in case we go too far into our depravity. That word is “MORE!” Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, LEAFY & LOVELY, poultry, RECIPES, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, debauch, delicious, DIY, easy, fantasy, food, freakiest, fried chicken, fried chicken salad recipe, game changer, get laid, getting freaky, gimp, gourmet, greens, grizzly bear, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kinkiest, kitchen, libido, mozzarella, naked, ranch dressing, recipe, romaine lettuce, rubber suit, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sicko, southern, tasty, tomato, watermelon, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 21, 2015
Get the best Dank Organic Veggie Burrito on Phish tour!
Holy shit, bra! Did you catch Phish at Bonaroo? I mean like wow, man! Maybe I can articulate it without than bohemian euphemisms once the acid wears off. At least I was able to pick up some hard-body hippie harlots in the lot selling Dank Organic Veggie Burritos out of my mom’s Prius. They thought my vegan wraps were heady, yo. I played them some old bootlegs from like WAY back in the day. They were mad impressed, especially when they started rubbing the Phish tat across my heart. Good thing they didn’t realize it was just henna until after I get my dirty hippie orgy on. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, hippie, mexican, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: acid, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, black beans, bohemian, Bonaroo, burrito-sized tortillas, concert parking lot, dank organic veggie burritos recipe, degenerate, delicious, DIY, easy, fajita seasoning, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, Grateful Dead, green bell pepper, guarantee, healthy, henna tattoo, hippie, hippies, homemade, intercourse, jam bands, kitchen, lettuce, libido, long hair, naked, olive oil, onion, organic, orgy, Phish, prius, recipe, red bell pepper, rice, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, smelly, tasty, tomato, Toyota, vegan, vegetarian, veggie burrito recipe, veggie wrap recipe, Widespread Panic, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 