November 11, 2009
Beet it because they need it!
Girdles are the absolute worst! I find clothing abhorrent. If nudist colonies weren’t of the fugly side of life, I might join them. So I settle with having a no-clothes policy in my house. My friends thinks it’s a little weird, but my late night companions don’t seem to spend an evening playing Nintendo Wii tennis naked. You ain’t seen nothing until you spy with your little eye naughty bits flying around hitting a video backhand. But clothes are a mandated part of polite society so I settle for accessorizing. One accessory I cannot abide by is the girdle. Do we really need more obstacles to get through? At least the bra and panty line of defense is a pleasure to view at while sneaking behind enemy lines. Luckily this salad is healthy and with repeat meals could reduce the reason for the same fuglies at the nudist colony to ever wear a girdle when they begrudgingly go to work dressed. Chock the flavor and cool red staining effect from the beets foreplay.
Total time: approximately 1 hour
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE, red and slutty is the theme
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 4 tbsp Greek yogurt
2. 1 dash salt
3. 3 2 large BEETS with stocks and leaves
4. Lemon juice to taste
Step 1
First chop away the stocks from the beets. Wash the stocks/leaves thoroughly. Chop away and seperate the stocks from the leaves, cutting them both smaller.
Step 2
Submerge the beets and stocks in boiling water and cook until you can easily penetrate the beets with a fork (approx 30 min). Drain the water and throw the beets and stock in ice water. Remove the boiled stocks and add them to the chopped beet leaves. Once the beets are cool, you can easily remove the skin before you slice them into thin rounds.
Step 3
Assemble your salad by laying a foundation of leaves/stocks, artfully place the beet rounds above, and smother the money shot of yogurt on top of each plate’s face. Squeeze a little lemon juice for some extra tang.
Serve this salad after a weekend of sexcess.
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, greek, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, beet greek yogurt salad, Beet salad, beet yo-gurt-le salad served, beets, blood, bra, circulatory system, delicious, DIY, easy, food, foreplay, fugly, game changer, get laid, girdle, gourmet, greek yogurt, greens, greenss, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kidneys, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, Nintendo, obstacle, panties, recipe, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tennis, vegetarian, wii, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
November 2, 2009
Unleash the fury, with some banging curry!
For me, banging comes in waves. Sometimes I’m banging everything sexy in a 10-mile radius. Other times I am sitting alone in the dark wondering why not even my D-List booty calls aren’t returning my texts. Peaks and valleys, strikes and gutters, dude. My advice for dealing with this is to capitalize on those moments when you can bang the hottest piece of ass even wearing filthy sweatpants and crocs. Savor these times as if they were your last and by god man, bang them good and proper so they don’t vanish and tarnish your reputation as a lousy lay. Winter can be a lonely mistress. The best solution is to warm yourself back up with the spice of life. Nothing gets that done quite like spicy food and a hot snuggle buddy or three. When the snow flurries keep you inside, be sure to have something warm and sexy to flurry on.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $20
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a mango lassi
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ½ cup plain yogurt
3. 1 tsp ground cumin
4. 1 tbsp curry powder
5. 1 handful chopped cilantro
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 large eggplant
8. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
9. 1 small handful GINGER finely chopped
10. 2 garlic cloves finely chopped
11. CHILI PEPPERS at your discretion
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C. Throw the eggplant in the oven and roast until the eggplant softens (approx 30 min). Remove from the oven, allow to cool, peel away the skin, and then cut the meat into bite-sized cubes.
Step 2
Sauté the onions with the cumin, garlic and ginger until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the tomatoes and cook until they stew (approx 2 min)
Step 3
Throw in the eggplant, spice with the curry powder and chili pepper and cook in the flavor (approx 3 min). Add the yogurt and cook until it all becomes creamy curry goodness (approx 2 min). Throw in the cilantro and you are good to go.
Serve this curry dish with your favorite RICE DISH or some delicious naan.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, indian, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, banging flurry eggplant curry recipe, boot call, capitalize, chili pepper, cilantro, cold, crocs, cumin, curry, curry powder, d-list, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, eggplant curry recipe, food, frigid, game changer, garlic, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, India, indian, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lonely mistress, naked, new delhi, olive oil, onion, recipe, roast, sauté, savor, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, snuggle buddy, spicy, sweatpants, tasty, tomato, vegan, vegetarian, winter, yogurt, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 23, 2009
Double trouble looking for a piece of that bubble!
You know the deal. Society tells us to behave, to color within the lines, to speak when spoken to. That’s all well and good if you’re a eunuch. But what about those of us with a spine flowing with spunk? We’re not just going to lie down and endure our master’s cruel, but fair beatings for stepping out of line. No bloody way! We are our own masters and being as such, we color way outside the lines and even off the page. That’s why we Cook to Bang and not Cook to Cuddle. So whose to say a tofu stir-fry has to marinate in apologetic afterthought? Why not be bold with that palette so it grabs your date’s collar and shake them, screaming, “I’m an interesting person!” Glad you see it my way. Now stir up some trouble with that healthy meal of yours.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Kombucha or some dank, heady beer, bra
Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 tbsp peanut butter
3. 1 tbsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
5. ½ onion chopped coarsely
6. 1 handful parsley chopped coarsely
7. 1 tofu block
8. ½ lime quartered
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
Step 1
Cut the tofu block into bite-sized pieces. Toss with soy sauce, Sriracha and limejuice and marinate (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the garlic and onions in olive oil until they become translucent (approx 3 min). Add the peanut butter and stir until in melts into the onion. Throw in the tofu with the marinade and sauté along with the parsley until the tofu softens (approx 5 min).
Squeeze limejuice over it and serve solo or with some RICE.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, fusion, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bloody, calivirgin, chili sauce, cook to cuddle, cruel, delicious, DIY, easy, eunuch, fast, flavor, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hippie, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, marinate, naked, olive oil, onion, parsley, peanut butter, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, spicy, sriracha, stir fry, tasty, tofu, tofu stir-fry recipe, vegan, vegetarian, veggie, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 21, 2009
Get stuffed? Don't mind if I do!
Be ready to feel overshadowed unless you are packing serious heat (in your oven). That ain’t necessarily a bad thing. This banana oozes with chocolate gooeyness. You’re golden so long as you regard this APHRODISIAC overdose as a friend and not foe. You will be hard-pressed not to sing cult-like praises once you take your first bite, or second or third where you stuff it all into your mouth and wish you had made a few extra. There’s a high probability you may forget your date is even there once the gorging begins. But fear not for they will be reacting in a similarly compromising manner so you will be in good company. You will both be locked into an alternate chocolaty universe where you frolic among the folds of strawberry and banana. Unless you ascend to the heavens, you can then ravage each other until the euphoria wears off. Win-win, if you ask me.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a SMOKING HOT PEPPERMINT FATTY
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 2 bananas
2. 5 STRAWBERRIES
3. 1 handful dark CHOCOLATE chips or shards
4. Powdered sugar (optional and not pictured)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice open the top of the banana all the way through to split the meat. Slice the strawberries thinly and stuff into the banana. Stuff the chocolate evenly with the strawberries.
Step 2
Throw the stuffed bananas into the oven and bake until the chocolate melts (approx 40 min). Remove from the oven and sprinkle some powdered sugar if you’re feeling it. Serve up with a spoon. Vanilla ice cream might go nicely with it.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alternate universe, aphrodisiac, bake, baked chocolate banana recipe, banana, bang, banging, chocolate, cocoa, cult, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, euphoria, foe, food, friend, game changer, get laid, gooeyness, gorging, gourmet, guarantee, heavens, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, overdose, powdered sugar, ravage, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, split, sprinkle, strawberry, stuff, stuff that chocolate banana recipe, sweet, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, win-win, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 22, 2009
Oh boy, steamed bok choy!
In an effort to make up for my excess of blaspheming in yesterday’s post, please accept this most healthy atonement. I never run out of praise for the Japanese culture for the joy they bring to my life from ninjas to bukake. Above all other things, I worship their healthy, yet delicious food. To make things taste that good without turning you into a sumo wrestler takes millenniums of practice. I have bedded my share of geishas using their dishes. Most of my recipes are at least influenced by Japanese low-fat cooking methods. One could say I have a Japanese fetish. But if loving a culture that create sushi, ninjas and hentai porn is wrong, than I will join the majority of the male population in screaming: Thank you oh so very very much! Now heat up some water because it’s about to get steamy up in here!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer, sake or Sake Bombs!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 3 baby bok choy
3. ½ lemon
Step 1
Steam the baby bok choy until the leaves wilt and become bright green (approx 25-30 min). Remove from the steam, squeeze lemon over them add the soy sauce. You now have one of the most sexy, simple side dishes ever conceived by man…or samurai!
Leave a Comment » | asian, healthy, Japanese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: Asia, asian, atonement, baby bok choy, bang, banging, blaspheme, bukake, delicious, DIY, Don’t be coy book choy, easy, fetish, food, game changer, geisha, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hentai, homemade, intercourse, japan, Japanese, kitchen, lemon, libido, millenniums, naked, ninja, porn, recipe, sake bombs, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, steamed bok choy recipe, steamy, sumo wrestler, sushi, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 15, 2009
2 sexy, satisfied customers
So upon special request, I am posting these antics from Friday night at a bar in New York. The setting: my birthday in NY with lots of near and dear friends. We were seated next to a fireplace and someone suggested we roast s’mores. Naturally I was challenged to make it happen. So a little tipsy and rather determined, I stepped out into the rainy night at midnight in search of ingredients. The chocolate and cookies (no bodega in NY carries graham crackers) were easy to find. The marshmallows not so much. But resourceful was my middle name and I found a restaurant that serves hot chocolate with marshmallows. They handed me a tub of marshmallows free of charge partly because I am so goddamn charming, but also since it was my birthday and they probably didn’t want a drunk fool scaring the customers. Next I went up to my hotel room, broke a wooden coat hanger for the metal wiring and was back to my friends in 15 minutes. After clearing it with the establishment, we were roasted marshmallows in the fireplace. Women flocked like hipsters to mustache wax. I have discovered the greatest pickup line EVER: “S’mores?” You’re welcome!
Total time: approximately 2 minutes per S’more
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Whatever is in your hand
Ingredients (for 10 happy customers, or 5 greedy ones):
1. 10 marshmallows
2. 1 CHOCOLATE bar
3. Round cookies (graham crackers unavailable)
Step 1
First you need a fireplace in a bar. Next you need track down your ingredients (or come prepared). Find a metal wire or wooden stick and place your marshmallow on the end of it. Roast it to your preferred level of gooeyness (I like mine a little charred). Slap the marshmallow on the cookie, add a sliver of chocolate and VOILA!
If you can’t at least pull a phone number you are a sucka!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SEDUCTION, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bar, bodega, chocolate, cookies, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, graham crackers, guarantee, homemade, hotel, intercourse, kitchen, libido, marshmallows, naked, new york, nyc, pickup, pua, recipe, roast, S’mores recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, tasty, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 4, 2009
Squish squash, let's get sauced!
This side dish is soft to the touch, yet crunchy in all the right places. As described, this does not sound like the hard-body of summer vegetable concoctions. But this dish could help you get that hard beach body all the cool kids seem to be having these days. This casserole is light, full of flavor and pack a wallop of flavor-filled fungasms. This particular dish was an experiment in how to cook summer squash besides on the grill. A tough act to follow. It provided great company for the grilled chicken I served to this annoying date. The date was a bust, but luckily I got my jollies from this casserole. The silver lining never tasted so good.
Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Nice cold beer or white wine
Ingredients:
1. 1 tbsp breadcrumbs
2. 2 tbsp olive oil
3. 1 dash paprika
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 onion chopped coarsely
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2-ounces goat cheese
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Grease a baking pan or deep wide pie-pan with olive oil. Chop the squash into ½ inch rounds. Line the pan with a layer of squash rounds, throw the onions over and crown with half of the goat cheese. Set down another layer, use the rest of the goat cheese and crown with green onions. Pour the remaining olive oil, season with paprika and salt, and evenly distribute the breadcrumbs over the top.
Step 2
Throw the squash in the oven and bake until the veggies soften and the top browns (approx 45 min). Serve up on plates as a lunch or to compliment an ENTRÉE.
2 Comments | healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, summer, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, baked squash, bang, banging, breadcrumbs, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fungasm, game changer, get laid, globe squash, globe squash casserole recipe, goat cheese, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, onion, paprika, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, squishy squashy casserole recipe, summer, tasty, vegetables, vegetarian, veggies, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 16, 2009
This wrap is both Sexy and environmentally friendly!
Calling all hippie hotties! They are few and far between. Most of these moonbeaming beauties’ looks have faded away like Jerry. Yoga and clean living have saved a few, not to mention the new recruits who haven’t become jaded by the man keeping them down. To those I merely say, “You hungry for some like totally dank organic yumminess?” Bring that free lovin’ attitude of yours and a bottle of something “heady”. I’ll crank some Dead bootlegs that I’ve been hording for just such trip down the hairy rabbit hole. Keep on keeping on down the road now. Take a wrap for the road you’ll be “Truckin’.”
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 handfuls lettuce chopped coarsely
2. 4 steamed BEETS chopped in rounds
3. 2 tbsp salad dressing (chef’s choice)
4. 2 burrito-sized tortillas
5. 2 veggie burgers
6. 1 small handful slivered almonds
7. 3 1 tomato chopped coarsely
8. 1 small handful or feta cheese.
Step 1
First grill or pan-fry the veggie burgers and cut them up with the spatula.
Step 2
Assemble the wrap in a long thin line across the tortilla laying out the lettuce, beets, tomato, almonds, feta cheese and veggie burger. Add any dressing or sauce.
Step 3
Wrap them up folding the tortilla a third of the way over, fold over the left and right ends, and roll it over the top. Cut the wraps in half.
Serve up the wraps solo or with some SOUP.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, hippie, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vegetarian | Tagged: almonds, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, beets, bootlegs, burrito, dairy, dank, delicious, DIY, easy, feta cheese, food, game changer, garden burger, get laid, gourmet, Grateful Dead, guarantee, healthy, hippie burger, hippie hotties bohemians, homemade, intercourse, Jerry Garcia, kitchen, lettuce, libido, moonbeaming, naked, organic, recipe, salad dressing, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, to go, tomato, tortilla, truckin’, vegetarian, veggie burger, veggie burger wrap recipe, veggie wrap, wrap that hippie burger up tight recipe, yoga, yumminess, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 15, 2009
Noodles = Nudity
That’s it. Take it all off. Every last article must be removed. You know the deal. No naked, no nosh! There you go. Don’t you feel so much better without all those pesky clothes? I know I feel liberated. See? I’m nude too. Watch me do this cartwheel. Whee! Now it’s your turn. I want to see your naughty bits fly in all directions. Again! Again! All this exercise made me hungry. Let’s break. The only proper way to dine on noodles is in the nude. Sure they are spicy, but I know how randy you get when your mouth is on fire. Let the papaya cool you down before things heat back up after the meal.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 8-ounces of dried rice noodle flakes
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of soy sauce
4. ½ tbsp of vegetable oil
5. 1 onion cut in strips
6. 1 handful of crushed pecans
7. ½ a lime
8. ½ of a papaya
9. 2 handfuls of cilantro
10. 1 egg
11. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a boil. Scoop the seeds out of the papaya, and then cut the fruit meat out. Discard the shell and chop up the papaya coarsely.
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, onion and ½ the cilantro with vegetable oil on medium-high heat (approx 3 min). Throw in the papaya and cook it with the soy sauce and Sriracha sauce (approx 2 min).
Step 3
Boil the rice noodle flakes (approx 4 min), drain, toss them into the magic pot of flavor, and then mix it all together.
Step 4
Crack an egg into the pan, and then mix the contents together. Crown the noodles with the crushed pecans and cilantro, and finally squeeze the limejuice over your creation.
Serve up the nude-les solo or with some BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, RECIPES, spicy, thai, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Asia, asian, bang, banging, boil, carbohydrates, carboluscious, carbs, cilantro, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, food, fruit, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hot, improvised, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, naked, naked cartwheels, naught bits, nude, nuts, onion, papaya, pecans, recipe, rice noodle flakes, sauté, scoop, seduce, sex, soy sauce, spicy aphrodisiac, spicy papaya noodles recipe, Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce, tasty, thai, thai noodles, thai papaya noodles recipe, Thailand, totally nude-les for papaya, vegetable oil, vegetarian, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 4, 2009
Whatever, however, whoever. Just Cook To Bang.
Admittedly, this salad’s title kind of blows. Not even with the steroids I scored from Manny Ramirez can I always bat 1000. But this salad neither blew nor sucked. It was totally off the hook yet totally unplanned. I found out way too late that the young lady who came over for dinner was a militant vegetarian. Something about a misdemeanor for chaining herself to a fur coat store in college. Note to self: stop picking up girls at yoga class. The killer SALMON DISH that is a shoe-in CTB was well out. But the consolation prize was she loved feta cheese. So into the fridge I went and in a moment of panic grabbed everything that looked like feta-friendly. The salad before you is whatever was in the fridge and it was awesome. My hippie crusader chained herself to my bed to protest us running out.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE
Ingredients:
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 pinch of herbs de Provence
4. 1 handful of kalamata olives
5. ½ lemon
6. 2 endives
7. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
9. 1 steamed red BEET sliced thinly
10. Steamed ASPARAGUS
11. 1 small handful of feta cheese (leave out to make vegan)
Step 1
First you must prep the vegetables. Break the romaine lettuce apart every two inches and wash it all. Slice up the endives every inch or so. Also cut the asparagus every inch or so.
Step 2
Combine the sliced endives, romaine lettuce, tomatoes, beets, olives, crumbled feta cheese, Herbs de Provence, olive oil, and lemon juice in a large bowl. Toss that salad like a pro.
Serve it up to even the crunchiest of guests.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, fusion, greek, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, Mediterranean, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: Antoine salad, bang, banging, baseball, college, crusader, dairy, delicious, DIY, dodgers, easy, endives, feta cheese, food, fur, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, healthy, healthy salad recipe, heart healthy, herbs de Provence, hippie, homemade, intercourse, kalamata olives, kitchen, lemon, libido, los angeles, Manny Ramirez, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, random salad, recipe, romaine lettuce, seduce, sex, steamed asparagus, steamed red beet, tasty, tomatoes, vegetarian, whatever was in the fridge salad recipe, yoga class, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 1 hour
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 