CHICKEN OUT YOUR (BEER) CANS

June 26, 2015
Beer Can Chicken got a whole lot easier.

Beer Can Chicken got a whole lot easier.

Behold: simplified beer can chicken for 2.  Sure you could go the badass route of stuffing a whole chicken with a leaking beer can, but that is both labor intensive and way too much food.  This little ditty is perfect for a summer evening date outdoors.  The object is to stay outside for the course of the evening.  That means banging under the stars. Make like your primitive ancestors who never heard of the concept of shame or waiting until marriage.  For those hairy bastards it was all banging all the time.  Use the beer marinade as an excuse for your barbaric behavior.  “It was the booze flavored meat that made me strip down to a fur loincloth, club you and drag you by the hair into my cave!” Read the rest of this entry »


GRILLED SEXTARINES

June 12, 2015
Grilled Nectarines reign supreme in the BBQ scene.

Grilled Nectarines reign supreme in the BBQ scene.

This is as close as you can get to grilling up sex appeal. Most grilling consists of men cooking meat for the pleasure of other men. That’s not gay. Right? But this little side dish/DESSERT breaks all the machismo boundaries and labels associated with backyard barbecues. You have the fire for the cavemen, the fruity fun for the ladies, and the sweetness for the kid in all of us. Plus these nectarines are so simple to make that you could develop quantum physic formulas simultaneously. You are running out of excuses not to make these sweet satisfactions for someone your sweet on. Best get down to the produce aisle then. Read the rest of this entry »


SKEEZER SALAD

May 14, 2015

All hail Caesar Salad!

All hail Caesar Salad!

The classics deserve much props and little improvisation.  You can’t get much more perfect than the Caesar Salad.  Like a great lover, it is crisp, moist and creamy in all the right places.  No wonder this salad is so universal on plates across the world.  Now is your chance to wow even the most discriminate date with this simple DIY Caesar Salad from scratch.  Once you make this ridiculously easy salad once, sequels by the dozen are sure to follow.  This salad works perfectly as a starter before a blow-their-mind entrée, or can stand alone as a lunch.  It was the perfect follow up course to the sultry French Onion Soup I served.  Naturally, my date was satisfied to her core with such simplicity.  She pounced like a wildcat before I could even finish.  My only regret is that the lettuce wilted before I could eat the rest.  I can always make more and more and more. Read the rest of this entry »


HUMMUNNA HUMMUNNA HUMMUS

March 26, 2015
Hummus = Hummer, simple as that

Hummus = Hummer, simple as that

Bing bang boom!  When you hear that sound, you know it’s on.  It’s pretty much on as soon as your date sees you make homemade hummus.  They will be puzzled at the simplicity, your mastery of the food blender, and this uncanny ability to serve them exactly what they want.  Don’t question the logic.  Go with it giving your most defiant stare of FUCK YEAH!  There’s no need to say anything.  The creamy, flavor-packed Middle Eastern condom-ment will say it for you.  Your date will innately understand that they have a goddamn legend-in-the-making on their hands and acquiesce to your most perverted demands.  See you in the Elysian Fields! Read the rest of this entry »


JUST THE STUFFED MUSHROOM TIP

October 20, 2014
Let's play a little game called Just the Stuffed Mushroom Tip.

Let’s play a little game called Just the Stuffed Mushroom Tip.

That’s how it all starts.  An innocent maiden voyage evolves into an exploration deep into the unknown.  Justify it any way you want to.  We can pretend it’s a game.  Start with the tip and see how it feels.  If it’s no bueno, fair enough.  But then again, we’ve already gone this far.  What’s a few more steps into the abyss?  I mean the collateral damage has already been sustained.  So why not enjoy it for what it’s worth?  We can write it off as youthful indiscretion.  An official OOPSIE!  Let’s blame the extra bottle of wine.  We both should have known better.  But we’re all adults and mature enough to move on.  I’m glad we had this discussion. I feel better. Don’t you?  Oh by the way, have you tried these killer stuffed mushrooms? Read the rest of this entry »


DON’T MAKE ME BAGEL PIZZA

October 17, 2014
Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.

Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.

You should know better than to beg.  There is clear a disconnect with your mastery of the CTB philosophy.  When you serve that special someone amazing food than you won’t have to beg.  It is your date who will beg you for more whether that is a second helping of bagel pizzas or another screaming orgasm.  Groveling doesn’t suit you.  That’s for the people who can’t close the deal in good faith.  Be grateful there are chumps out there on their knees looking pathetic and sexually frustrated.  They suffer so you don’t have to.  Just do the voodoo that you do in the kitchen and the bedroom.  This recipe is so fast and impressive that you can’t help but reap the rewards.  Reap away, reaper. Read the rest of this entry »


KIWI MELT IN YOUR MOUTH

September 25, 2014
kiwi melt served

It will melt in your mouth, your date will melt in your hands.

You know you’re in for a wild ride as soon as this melty concoction hits the tip of your tongue.  The first bite should make it clear that you ain’t eating your grandmother’s sandwich.  No siree!  We’re talking about the next step in culinary evolution.  Combining fruit, meat and cheese on bread was the inevitable next step in tasty temptations.  Sure you could just make a tuna melt that would put your date to sleep long before you can lay the mack down.  But why not just stick your genitals in the freezer? You won’t be needing those anyway.  Our world of convenience and innovation demands that you take a few extra steps to get what you REALLY want.  This sandwich will only take you a few extra minutes, which will be paid for in dividends when you are reclined, sweaty and gasping for air.  This kiwi melt should melt resistance and clothes right off.  What are you waiting for?  Make New Zealand proud! Read the rest of this entry »


GOING GREEK SALAD

September 5, 2014
Once you go Greek, you don't go back...unless you're squeamish

Once you go Greek, you don’t go back…unless you’re squeamish

The Greeks sure know how to live. They have amazing islands, beautiful tan people and ouzo that pours out of every faucet. Seriously. I actually took an ouzo shower in Mykonos. But the shower was in a club and my Greek friends were pouring it over my head. My first thought was I had pissed off one of the girls by telling her she looks like the homely older sister of the goddess Athena. Thankfully this goddess-like mortal didn’t lose my sarcasm in translation. The ouzo shower was her mating call. Naturally the boorish American read it wrong thinking I had offended her. Believe it or not, that happens a lot. It took a few more alcoholic hosings and a passionate kiss on the dance floor to finally get it. I was crystal clear as the Mediterranean Sea when she led me down to the beach like a Trojan horse. Now I fully comprehend what it means to go Greek. Interesting. What’s also interesting is the island nation’s produce. Super healthy, tasty Greek Salads will fuel many ouzo shower-filled evenings. Do Zeus proud and go Greek! Read the rest of this entry »


BALLS-ON-IT BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES

August 27, 2014
Slap some sugar, lemon, balsamic, then put them balls on it!

Slap some sugar, lemon, balsamic, then put them balls on it!

DESSERT is the time when a Cook usually turns into Bang.  Many final courses like cheesecake that take over a day to make, like a slow, patient seduction.  There is nothing wrong with taking your time to holler at the moon so long as you do in fact holler.  But we live in a culture that wants everything yesterday. In fairness to the instant gratification crowd, here’s an instant dessert that is healthy, tasty, and quick on the go.  Do not fear the balsamic vinegar for it is your friend.  The fusion of the powdered sugar, fructose from the berries and the vinegar is like some mystical alchemy that preps your tongue ready for more adventuresome travels.  Be sure to hand-feed these to your date, thus fostering the intimacy you will no doubt exploit for your own perverted gains.  I have made this outstanding standout for more dates than I can remember and not once have I been refused. Won’t you join our merry band of culinary pranksters? Read the rest of this entry »


SEXIER THAN DEAD ELVIS SINWICH

July 23, 2014
They serve this fried delight at the Heartbreak Hotel

They serve this fried delight at the Heartbreak Hotel

Elvis has left the building…in a body bag.  Too many fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches I suppose. I can’t explain it, but hipsters love them some Elvis.  Must be the irony associated with his gold lamé suit, mutual love of pills and consumption of odd foods sure to leave you bloated and possibly dead on the shitter.  Cook To Bang does not endorse this behavior nor the hipster lifestyle.  But this sandwich is a delicious lark to share with your hipster lover after an ironic banging session.  Just be sure to crank some Elvis tunes, you hunk a hunk of burning love.  (That burning is Chlamydia, by the way.) Read the rest of this entry »