TRAMPY SCAMPI

August 21, 2015
The Lady and the Trampy Scampi

The Lady and the Trampy Scampi

I used to stamp my little feet as a child when someone called me a shrimp.  It drove me batty that I wasn’t a “big kid”.  Time changes everything.  Call me a shrimp as an adult and I’ll thank you, and then fantasize about buttery, garlicky goodness.  I am the first to admit that I’ll get trampy for shrimp scampi.  A note to the ladies: you too can put a man like myself under your spell with this dish. There’s something amazing about cooking shellfish in this velvet sauce that grants the chef the power of mind control.  It’s been that way ever since I stole the recipe from a heavily guarded underground vault in Switzerland.  Sure I am wanted by Interpol, but I did it all for you, dear reader.  Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »


EGG MCBANGIN’

August 17, 2015
egg-mcbangin-served

Mickey D’s ain’t got nuthin’ on this morning delight

So your date has slept over and has a ridiculous craving for some artery clogging McDonalds.  How gross and inconvenient!  You can indulge their desire, save time and money, plus you’ll blow their mind with this vast improvement over the fast food original.  This fine breakfast dish is extremely simple to prepare, plus it can be relatively healthy, thus giving you some much-needed nutrients depleted by a morning in bed.  I first made this dish on a whim using minimal ingredients when a one-night stand demanded I drive her 3 miles away to the nearest fast food purveyor.  First, I despise haphazardly prepared food, but more importantly I was only interested in one thing, and the Egg McMuffin demand was cock-blocking me.  Luckily my ingenuity worked out A-OK.  We both got what we wanted and I never saw her again.  Ha! Read the rest of this entry »


FABLED MAPLE SALMON

July 24, 2015
The ancient fable spoke of a golden era of cooking and banging.

The ancient fable spoke of a golden era of cooking and banging.

Read through the footnotes of the Kama Sutra and you will learn about a mysterious dish with incomparable sexual power.  This dish had not been created then, but was predicted by a great Indian psychic.  I took the liberty of deciphering the ancient Sanskrit because I am a power hungry sociopath.  My goal was to control the opposite sex’s minds.  So far so good.  I can get my stable to sit, fetch and bend over.  Good girls!  The simplicity of grilled fish and a salad makes this one of the easiest methods of keeping someone you want to bang under your spell.  Now I pass along this fabled recipe to you.  Grill with God! Read the rest of this entry »


CHICKEN OUT YOUR (BEER) CANS

June 26, 2015
Beer Can Chicken got a whole lot easier.

Beer Can Chicken got a whole lot easier.

Behold: simplified beer can chicken for 2.  Sure you could go the badass route of stuffing a whole chicken with a leaking beer can, but that is both labor intensive and way too much food.  This little ditty is perfect for a summer evening date outdoors.  The object is to stay outside for the course of the evening.  That means banging under the stars. Make like your primitive ancestors who never heard of the concept of shame or waiting until marriage.  For those hairy bastards it was all banging all the time.  Use the beer marinade as an excuse for your barbaric behavior.  “It was the booze flavored meat that made me strip down to a fur loincloth, club you and drag you by the hair into my cave!” Read the rest of this entry »


GRILLED SEXTARINES

June 12, 2015
Grilled Nectarines reign supreme in the BBQ scene.

Grilled Nectarines reign supreme in the BBQ scene.

This is as close as you can get to grilling up sex appeal. Most grilling consists of men cooking meat for the pleasure of other men. That’s not gay. Right? But this little side dish/DESSERT breaks all the machismo boundaries and labels associated with backyard barbecues. You have the fire for the cavemen, the fruity fun for the ladies, and the sweetness for the kid in all of us. Plus these nectarines are so simple to make that you could develop quantum physic formulas simultaneously. You are running out of excuses not to make these sweet satisfactions for someone your sweet on. Best get down to the produce aisle then. Read the rest of this entry »


SKEEZER SALAD

May 14, 2015

All hail Caesar Salad!

All hail Caesar Salad!

The classics deserve much props and little improvisation.  You can’t get much more perfect than the Caesar Salad.  Like a great lover, it is crisp, moist and creamy in all the right places.  No wonder this salad is so universal on plates across the world.  Now is your chance to wow even the most discriminate date with this simple DIY Caesar Salad from scratch.  Once you make this ridiculously easy salad once, sequels by the dozen are sure to follow.  This salad works perfectly as a starter before a blow-their-mind entrée, or can stand alone as a lunch.  It was the perfect follow up course to the sultry French Onion Soup I served.  Naturally, my date was satisfied to her core with such simplicity.  She pounced like a wildcat before I could even finish.  My only regret is that the lettuce wilted before I could eat the rest.  I can always make more and more and more. Read the rest of this entry »


HUMMUNNA HUMMUNNA HUMMUS

March 26, 2015
Hummus = Hummer, simple as that

Hummus = Hummer, simple as that

Bing bang boom!  When you hear that sound, you know it’s on.  It’s pretty much on as soon as your date sees you make homemade hummus.  They will be puzzled at the simplicity, your mastery of the food blender, and this uncanny ability to serve them exactly what they want.  Don’t question the logic.  Go with it giving your most defiant stare of FUCK YEAH!  There’s no need to say anything.  The creamy, flavor-packed Middle Eastern condom-ment will say it for you.  Your date will innately understand that they have a goddamn legend-in-the-making on their hands and acquiesce to your most perverted demands.  See you in the Elysian Fields! Read the rest of this entry »