February 13, 2013
Sugar mamas are also welcomed to slang cookies a la Cook To Bang
Calling all dudes! Here’s your chance to be a sugar daddy without tapping out your bank account. There’s no need to drop mortgage payments at clubs on bottle service, 10-course French dinners, or the shoe store. Instead steal their hearts and undergarments with your creativity and resourcefulness. Isn’t that why we Cook To Bang? I’m a sugar daddy that slangs sweet treats. Pass these out to one or all twelve of your sweetums. Each will be touched by your thoughtfulness and darling gesture. Who’s your daddy now, ladies? Read the rest of this entry »
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RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, baking powder, baking soda, bang, banging, bottle service, butter, cookies, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, egg, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gift, gourmet, grease, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, recipe, resourcefulness, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slanging, strawberries, sugar cookie recipe, sugar daddy, sugar daddy cookies, sweets, tasty, thoughtfulness, vanilla extract, vegetable oil, white sugar, who’s your daddy, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
November 13, 2012
The resourceful bird gets the worm and makes their lovers squirm with glee.
One good spaghetti squash recipe deserves another. The first round was ITALIAN PASTA STYLE; this is an Asian spicy noodle version that maximizes the low-carb way of life. Truth be told, these spaghetti squash strands were leftovers I had no clue how to make. But I was hung over one morning with some random piece of strange from the night before whose name I couldn’t remember for the life of me sleeping in my bed. I thought perhaps some sustenance would jar my brain into remembering who the hell this naked hottie was still snoring. Carbs help soak up alcohol, but to my chagrin, my roommate finished up my rice noodles. My head was pounding too hard to act anything but resourceful. Many thanks to the leftover spaghetti squash strands that were a champion noodle substitute. My mystery date dug them too. And my roommate redeemed herself for her early offense by introducing herself to the beautiful stranger, hence arming me with a name. It made things easier when I asked the less-mysterious girl to leave before my lunch date arrived. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, atkins, Chinese, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, spicy, thai, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, Chinese, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, fast, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, hung over, intercourse, italian, kitchen, leftovers, libido, low-carb, mystery girl, naked, recipe, red cabbage, resourceful, roommate, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, spaghetti squash, Spaghetti squash asian noodles recipe, spaghetti squash nudey noodles, spicy, spicy spaghetti squash recipe, sriracha chili sauce, stir fry, strange, tasty, thai, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 24, 2012
Polenta it all off, the skivvies too.
Making those pesky clothes vanish is easier than you’d think. Despite the popular folklore that you first must pass a series of relationship tests in order to get there, au contraire. The scientists working around the clock in shifts down in the Cook To Bang lab have discovered a way to leapfrog that major time suck. Polenta draws people sharing it for reasons I could only explain via a Glenn Beck crazy chart. It has the effect even with polar opposites like a hipster honky in pants tighter than the sororitease he’s banging’s black fuck-me pants. Don’t question the science. It just works, like gravity. Or condoms*. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, hippie, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, baking powder, baking soda, bang, banging, bottle service, butter, cookies, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, egg, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gift, gourmet, grease, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, recipe, resourcefulness, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slanging, strawberries, sugar cookie recipe, sugar daddy, sugar daddy cookies, sweets, tasty, thoughtfulness, vanilla extract, vegetable oil, white sugar, who’s your daddy, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 28, 2011
One good dip deserves another!
Few desserts guarantee fornication like chocolate-dipped strawberries. You have the chocolate/strawberry APHRODISIAC element right off the bat. But there is so much more to this seductively simple dessert. These berries take champagne to places you usually experience behind closed doors. All the better for setting the stage for seduction. Be sure to follow the unwritten rule that you never stuff a chocolate-dipped strawberry in your own mouth. Let your date feed you and return the favor. Play your cards right and the berries will be the first of many things you put in your date’s moth. My first dance with chocolate-dipped strawberries took place in a hotel room with my college girlfriend at the time. I found it odd that her sorority sister was there too. But when the girls started feeding each other I knew this was my anniversary gift. I savored every last morsel of sweet satisfaction. The strawberries were also quite good. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, berries, champagne, chocolate dipped strawberries, Chocolate dipped strawberry recipe, classy, delicious, dessert, easy, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, intercourse, kitchen, naked, recipe, romance, romantic, SEDUCTION, semi-sweet chocolate, sex, sexy, strawberries, tasty, tuxedo strawberry recipe, vegetable oil, white chocolate, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 14, 2010
Just a dab will diddle-ya!
Quesadillas are an endless parade of potential. You can’t help but get creative with that classic cheese and tortilla combo. What cheese with what extra goodness is about as varied as positions in the Kama Sutra. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, french, fusion, mexican, RECIPES | Tagged: 19th century, apple, bang, banging, brie, brie lox apple quesadillas, cheese, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, English manor, fancy quesadilla recipe, flour tortilla, food, french, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gravity defying, guarantee, homemade, indian, intercourse, kama sutra, kitchen, lady Mortimer, libido, lox, madam, mexican, miss, naked, recipe, schmancy quesa-diddle-ya, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, smoked salmon, tasty, trousers, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 4, 2010
Why is not as important as when.
Quit with the questions already! I experiment with recipes sometimes to discover new and exciting methods to prepare banging food. Oftentimes I crash and burn with my noble attempts at cooking something groundbreaking. You have to stumble before you can walk; kiss before you bang. But there are times where I rock the living crap out of the ingredients I’m working for and then…BAM! It’s like being the first man to discover the clitoris. You always assumed there was something there, but it took some serious creative spelunking to get there. So that is what I offer you now. This is a little ditty made out of boredom for the standard breakfast fare. I knew there was some clever way to take the best parts of Middle Eastern and Western to create a fusion that all us infidels can enjoy. My date agreed after getting over her skepticism of the unfamiliar. She did not ask why I led her immediately back to bed after we were done eating. My perverted intent was implied.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: MIMOSUCK IT
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp vegetable oil
2. 3 dashes sea salt
3. 4 tomato slices
4. 1/2 onion sliced in strips
5. 2 eggs
6. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful queso fresco (Mexican cheese)
8. 1/2 large pita (one pictured infused with thyme)
Step 1
Heat up the oil in a skillet. Throw in the onions and fry until they caramelize (approx 3 min). Fry up the tomatoes next, salting them and flipping once (approx 2 min). Finally make room in pan to fry up pita.
Step 2
Scoop the fried onions and tomato onto the pita. Crack the eggs in the space now available, salt them, and fry sunny side up (approx 3 min). Split the eggs in two and serve over each half of the pita. Surround the egg yolk with avocado like a halo and crumble some queso fresco on top.
Split the pita in two and serve them up on separate plates with BED & BREAKFAST POTATOES.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, Middle Eastern, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, boredom, breakfast, caramelize, clitoris, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, fry, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, groundbreaking, guarantee, homemade, infidel, intercourse, kitchen, libido, Middle Eastern, morning, MORNING WOOD, naked, onion, pita, queso fresco, recipe, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, skepticism, spelunking, tasty, tomato, vegetable oil, Western, Why ask why fry breakfast, why asky why?, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 6, 2009
Yes, mistress. Please, mistress. Thank you, mistress.
Kinky is my middle name. Actually it’s Patrick, but I’m considering changing it. I wouldn’t call myself an S&M guy, but I do enjoy pushing the envelope behind closed doors with consenting adults. What’s the point of boring sex? Why half-ass your goal after you put all this effort into convincing someone to get naked? I don’t personally own handcuffs, but I’ve been cuffed to a bed with leopard print bonds. My mistress/lover for the night was rough at times, and then sweet, then rough and so on. It was pretty hot. Melting candle wax on my nipples was just painful, but it was still an experience I remember fondly. The best part is after we were done, we had takeout Pad Thai that she fed me since my hands were still attached to her headboard. That was one of my favorite Thai food memories, which I have since relived in subtle, less painful ways. So here’s my own take on this classic recipe with a little extra sexy thrown into the mix. Just be sure to have a safety word when engaging in Thai-style COOK TO BANG.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Thai iced tea or beer
Ingredients (serves 2, with post-coital leftovers):
1. 2 tbsp vegetable oil
2. 1-package rice noodles
3. 1 tbsp fish sauce
4. 1 tbsp soy sauce
5. 2 OZ Pad Thai sauce
6. Limejuice to taste
7. 2 eggs
8. 6 green onions chopped coarsely
9. FRIED TOFU
10. 1 red CHILI chopped finely
11. 2 handful chopped peanuts
12. ½ lb SHRIMP
13. ½ lb chicken cut in bite-sized pieces
Step 1
Marinate the raw chicken with the soy sauce, fish sauce and limejuice (approx 15 min). Cook the chicken in a pan until they brown (approx 3 min). Add the shrimp and cook it all together (approx 2).
Step 2
Bring a pot of water to a boil, turn the heat low and cook the rice noodles al dente (approx 4 min) and drain. Heat up the oil in deep pan or wok. Add the noodles and mix in the pad Thai sauce thoroughly. Cook in the chicken, shrimp, fried tofu and green onions.
Step 3
Beat the two eggs and cook flat in a pan like a pancake. Jimmy the eggs off the pan an crown the noodles with it. When serving, throw a handful of peanuts and squeeze some lime over it.
These kinky noodles go great with a BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, poultry, RECIPES, seafood, spicy, thai | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, candle wax, carbohydrates, carbs, chicken, chili, delicious, DIY, dominatrix, easy, eggs, fish sauce, food, fried tofu, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, libido, limejuice, mistress, naked, nipples, noodles, pad thai me up recipe, pad thai recipe, pad thai sauce, peanuts, recipe, rice noodes, s&m, sado-masochism, safety word, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, soy sauce, takeout, tasty, thai, Thailand, tie me up, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 28, 2009
The man in the black pajamas makes a mean sandwich. Don't flavor with napalm!
“You want boom boom?” asked two Vietnamese hookers on a moped. I was in Hanoi, trekking around in search of mayhem and kick ass pho (Vietnamese noodle soup). I don’t pay for sex. No offense to those who hire whore now and again. My charm and cooking skills are enough to get girls naked. But these two young trollops were hot and the mathematical possibilities enticing it. So I asked them, “Will you love me long time?” They nodded and beckoned me to get on the back of their motorbike. So I countered, “Are you so horny?” Damn straight they were. The cherry on top was when I asked them to call me “Soldier boy.” One said, “We give you boom boom, soldier boy.” The other added, “Me so horny. We love you long time.” I had a Full Metal Jacket growth in my pants, but contracting GI Joe Kung Fu grip wasn’t recommended in my Lonely Planet guide. So I declined their offer for boom boom. Instead I got this chicken sandwich from a street vendor that was amazing, although not quite as interesting as the international incident I passed up. To all the girls I have banged since…You’re Welcome!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 sandwich rolls
2. 1 tsp lemon juice
3. 1 tsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 tsp fish sauce
6. ½ onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 carrot sliced thinly
8. 1 tomato sliced thinly
9. 2 chicken breasts
10. 1 handful shredded coconut
11. 1 handful cilantro chopped finely
12. 1 CHILI diced finely
13. 1 tbsp vegetable oil (not pictured, St. Peter has already taken note)
Step 1
Mince the chicken and then marinate with cilantro, chili, onion, coconut, soy sauce, fish sauce, oyster sauce and lemon juice (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Cook the chicken thoroughly with vegetable oil (approx 5 min). Slice open the bread rolls and stuff the chicken into them. Add the tomato and carrot slices and shut the sandwich, soldier boy.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, asian, french, fusion, poultry, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vietnamese | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Asia, bang, banging, carrot, chicken, chili, cilantro, coconut, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, gi joe, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hooker, intercourse, kitchen, kung fu grip, lemon juice, libido, lonely planet, love you long time, me so horny, moped, motorbike, naked, nam, onion, oyster sauce, prostitute, recipe, sandwich roll, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, Soldier boy sinwich, southeast asia, soy sauce, tasty, tomato, vegetable oil, viet cong, Vietnam, Vietnamese chicken sandwich recipe, whore, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 15, 2009
Noodles = Nudity
That’s it. Take it all off. Every last article must be removed. You know the deal. No naked, no nosh! There you go. Don’t you feel so much better without all those pesky clothes? I know I feel liberated. See? I’m nude too. Watch me do this cartwheel. Whee! Now it’s your turn. I want to see your naughty bits fly in all directions. Again! Again! All this exercise made me hungry. Let’s break. The only proper way to dine on noodles is in the nude. Sure they are spicy, but I know how randy you get when your mouth is on fire. Let the papaya cool you down before things heat back up after the meal.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 8-ounces of dried rice noodle flakes
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of soy sauce
4. ½ tbsp of vegetable oil
5. 1 onion cut in strips
6. 1 handful of crushed pecans
7. ½ a lime
8. ½ of a papaya
9. 2 handfuls of cilantro
10. 1 egg
11. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a boil. Scoop the seeds out of the papaya, and then cut the fruit meat out. Discard the shell and chop up the papaya coarsely.
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, onion and ½ the cilantro with vegetable oil on medium-high heat (approx 3 min). Throw in the papaya and cook it with the soy sauce and Sriracha sauce (approx 2 min).
Step 3
Boil the rice noodle flakes (approx 4 min), drain, toss them into the magic pot of flavor, and then mix it all together.
Step 4
Crack an egg into the pan, and then mix the contents together. Crown the noodles with the crushed pecans and cilantro, and finally squeeze the limejuice over your creation.
Serve up the nude-les solo or with some BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, RECIPES, spicy, thai, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Asia, asian, bang, banging, boil, carbohydrates, carboluscious, carbs, cilantro, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, food, fruit, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hot, improvised, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, naked, naked cartwheels, naught bits, nude, nuts, onion, papaya, pecans, recipe, rice noodle flakes, sauté, scoop, seduce, sex, soy sauce, spicy aphrodisiac, spicy papaya noodles recipe, Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce, tasty, thai, thai noodles, thai papaya noodles recipe, Thailand, totally nude-les for papaya, vegetable oil, vegetarian, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 1, 2009
Salmon? C'mon and on and on!
You want me to stop this COOK TO BANG madness? Never! Why would I when it makes the world a better-fed and less sexually frustrated place? The mayor of Bangor, Maine just gave me the key to the city. I handed him a secret recipe to bring some sexual healing back into his marriage. Apparently banging has returned to Bangor. I don’t like to think of myself as a hero, more of a civil servant. CTB is a community service that is no way court ordered from a conviction for public indecency when I broke into Martha Stewart’s kitchen while she was in the slammer and broadcast my own cooking and banging demonstrations. All three of those girls were legal, consensual and it was their idea! Anyway…it’s good to be commended instead of condemned. And with that, I give you this epically delicious salmon recipe that will keep you banging on and on and…you get the picture.
Recipe courtesy of publishing scion STEVE TOBIA.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $21
Drinking Buddy: White wine
Ingredients (for two, w/ leftovers for lunch):
1. 1 tbsp of vegetable oil
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. 1 heavy dashes of CHILI powder
4. 2 dashes of black pepper
5. 1 dash of garlic powder
6. 1 dash of Cajun seasoning
7. 1 small jar of capers
8. 2 dashes of Old Bay seasoning
9. 1 container full of chopped mushrooms
10. 1 container of cherry tomatoes
11. 1 red onion chopped finely
12. 1 pound slab of SALMON
Step 1
Preheat the oven to broil. Season up the salmon slab on an baking sheet with garlic powder, black pepper, Cajun seasoning and chili powder. Throw the fish in the oven.
Step 2
Create the sauce by sautéing the onions and mushrooms on high heat with 1 tbsp of oil with some black pepper (approx 4 min). Add in the tomatoes and sauté them with the white wine until they get soft (approx 4 min). Use the back of a spoon to pop each cherry…tomato. Turn the heat down low and simmer the tomatoes with the capers until the fish is ready.
Step 3
Keep the fish in the oven until the pan is searing hot and the seasoning has blackened on top (approx 20 min). Remove the pan from oven and smother it with the sauce, which will sizzle like crazy. Turn off the heat and throw the fish back into the oven, doors closed and let the sauce settle in (approx 15 min).
Serve up on a plate with some GROIN GRABBING GRILLED VEGGIES or GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Mediterranean, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: Alaskan wild salmon, bang, banging, black pepper, Cajun seasoning, capers, cherry tomatoes, chili powder, delicious, DIY, easy, essential fatty acids, fish, food, fungi, game changer, garlic powder, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Italian salmon recipe, kitchen, libido, mushrooms, naked, ocean, old bay seasoning, pop her cherry, recipe, red onion, salmon, salmon and on and on recipe, sea, seafood, seduce, sex, spicy, spicy broiled salmon recipe, tasty, vegetable oil, vitamin e, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 