SCHMANCY QUESA-DIDDLE-YA

June 14, 2010

Just a dab will diddle-ya!

Quesadillas are an endless parade of potential. You can’t help but get creative with that classic cheese and tortilla combo. What cheese with what extra goodness is about as varied as positions in the Kama Sutra. Read the rest of this entry »


SQUASHTACULAR

November 9, 2009
spicy squash casserole served 3

Squash all resistance to your charms!

Some knucklehead who probably hasn’t seen a naked woman since his subscription to National Geographic ran out told me squash ain’t sexy.  Granted it doesn’t pack the same luscious sex appeal as an oyster or fig, but damnit, squash has gotten me laid plenty of times.  Squash is the perfect fall ingredient to prep you for the cold winter that lies ahead.  They are inexpensive, tasty and versatile as a bisexual Cirque du Soleil performer.  My problem is that I keep going back to my classic squash dishes.  But you gotta break out of routine, no matter how awesome that routine might be, if you hope to attain glory.  This little Frankenstein’s monster brought honor to my family; my reputation as a lady-slayer stands untarnished.  It was spicy, sweet and comforting all at the same time.  My one caution is that this side dish very well may outclass the rest of your meal.  So cook with bravado!

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Hot Cider with a splash of bourbon

spicy squash casserole prepIngredients (serves 4):
1. 1 apple
2. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
3. 1 dash salt
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
6. 3 petit pan squash
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2 large handfuls shredded mozzarella
9. 3 garlic cloves sliced thinly

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C.  Slice the ends off the globe squash and cut into thin rounds.  Do the same for the petit pan squash.  Toss the squash with the garlic, olive oil, cayenne pepper and salt.  Lay them out in a large flat baking pan.
spicy squash casserole squashes
Step 2
Core and slice up the apple into thin slices.  Lay them evenly over the squash and season with cinnamon.  Scatter the cheese across evenly and you’re ready to rumble.
spicy squash casserole apple cheese
Step 3
Throw the casserole in the oven and bake until the apples and squash soften, and the cheese melts (approx 30 min).
spicy squash casserole bake
Serve as a kickass side to any number of outstanding ENTRÉES. You could eat it solo, it’s that good.
spicy squash casserole served 2

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DON’T BRIE RAMBLIN’ WHILE SHROOM SCRAMBLIN’

October 6, 2009
Stuffing your talkative guest's mouth is a Brie-liant move!

Stuffing your talkative guest's mouth is a Brie-liant move!

Are they still talking? Sheesh! You haven’t said a word in the last five minutes. Don’t they need to breathe at some point? I’ve spent long periods of time with ramblers who keep blabbering about topics I stopped commenting on hours ago. Being crazy passionate about something is sexy, but at a certain point you should hand the conch off to someone else to talk. This rambling generally occurs after a night of unscrupulous dalliances when you are ready to sleep soundly. You banged someone physically hot enough, but mentally a little on the dim side. Don’t worry for they will eventually get the hint when the sound of your snoring pierces their conversation bubble. But sure as the sun rises, the ramble train will keep rolling come morning. You’re best stuff something into that mouth stat. You can go many different routes, many of which are perverted, kinky or slightly illegal. But in this case, try filling those unwavering noise boxes with some delicious food. At least the conversation will move towards the topic of food, your food. At that point you can steer the conversation from your food to your bed.

musrhoom bacon brie eggs prepTotal time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil*
2. 2 bacon strips (*if using turkey or veggie bacon)
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 dash salt
6, 4 eggs
7. 2 handfuls sliced mushrooms
8. I small handful of Brie chunks

Step 1
Crack the eggs, salt and pepper them, and then beat vigorously.
musrhoom bacon brie eggs beat
Step 2
Cut the bacon up into small slices and fry them until they brown. Add olive oil if you need and then sauté the mushrooms until they soften (approx 3 min)
musrhoom bacon brie eggs saute
Step 3
Add the egg mixture and scramble them dry (approx 3 min). Turn off the heat, toss the Brie pieces on top of the eggs, and then cover with a lid, letting the trapped heat melt the cheese.
musrhoom bacon brie eggs scramble brie
Serve up with some BED & BREAKFAST POTATOES or SWEET ASS-BROWNS.

musrhoom bacon brie eggs served

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PARTYCHOKE CHICKEN CHA CHA

March 13, 2009
Let me see you cha cha chicken!

Let me see you cha cha chicken!

Can you cha cha?  It’s only the simplest dance in the known universe.  I saw syphilitic lab monkeys doing it by accident and that was after an experiment with excess wine consumption.  If a drunken monkey can do it, you should be able to pull it off blindfolded.  This dish is on same page as the cha cha.  It’s almost impossible to screw the pooch on this one.  You could try pouring turpentine into the mix (CTB discourages this wholeheartedly), but then it would have a cool, briny taste.  Just follow the protocol below and spend your extra time kicking game. That will leave you with plenty of time to kick game while you dance the half-naked cha cha. Read the rest of this entry »


5 ORGASM ALARM VEGGIE CHILI

January 31, 2009
Red Pepper 42, Black Bean 42, Hut Hut Hike!

Red Pepper 42, Black Bean 42, Hut Hut Hike!

I’m gasping for air as I write this post.  Good god is this veggie chili sexy, healthy and satisfying.  Trust me when I say this is going to be a challenge to not eat it all before I bring it to the Super Bowl party this weekend.  It’s like waiting for marriage to engage in sexual relations.  It’s a nice idea in theory.  But seriously, why?  Sure it might feel great to finally experience pure ecstasy with the person you will spend the rest of your life.  But then again it might be a huge let down when you finally claim what’s yours.  Luckily you don’t have to worry about that with this chili dish.  It actually tastes better the next day once the flavors have wrapped their legs around the veggies and grinded until they make culinary cunnilingus.  If you do manage to keep this ridiculously healthy chili around for the Super Bowl or other party, you will certainly be busy taking down phone numbers from eager foodies with an appetite for you.  Take a number.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: A beer, margarita or other football-watching beverage

veggie-chili-prepIngredients (serves a party or 2 hungry people for days):
1. ½ cup of vegetable oil
2. 1 tablespoon of dried oregano
3. 1 8-ounce can of corn
4. Sour cream for garnish
5. 1 teaspoon of salt
6. Shredded cheddar cheese for garnish
7. 2 tablespoons of ground cumin
8. 1 28-ounce can of whole tomatoes
9. 1 can of garbanzo beans
10. 1 can of black beans
11. 2 stalks of celery chopped coarsely
12. 1 green pepper chopped coarsely
13. 1 red pepper chopped coarsely
14. 4 cloves of garlic chopped finely
15. 2 dried New Mexico chilies
16. 1 large carrot peeled and chopped coarsely
17. 1 yellow pepper coarsely
18. 1 onion chopped coarsely.
19. 2 handfuls of mushrooms chopped coarsely

Step 1
Heat up the vegetable oil in a stockpot on medium-high.  Sautee the garlic solo until they brown (approx 30 seconds). Cook the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes).  Throw in all the carrots, celery, yellow, red and green peppers and cook until they soften, stirring occasionally. (approx 15 minutes)
veggie-chili-veggies
Step 2
It’s time to spice things up.  Cup up the New Mexico chilies, then toss them into the pot with the mushrooms let it simmer (approx 2 minutes).  Now smack it all up with ground cumin, oregano and salt and cook in the flavor (approx 10 minutes).
veggie-chili-chile-spice-shrooms
Step 3
Open up the can of tomatoes and drain the juice into a bowl before chopping the tomatoes up coarsely.  Add the tomatoes and juice onto the pot and cook until the tomatoes dissolve and become part of the sauce (approx 10 minutes).

veggie-chili-tomatoes

Step 4
Drain the liquid from the cans of corn, garbanzo beans and black beans, then dump them all into the pot and cook them with all the other goodies until they become united in their chili power (approx 10 minutes).  Serve up with a sexy selection of toppings like shredded cheddar, sour cream and diced red onions.

veggie-chili-corn-beansveggie-chili-served

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BREAK THE BEDFRAME SINWICH

December 10, 2008
Slam that bed frame like you'll Grand Slam your post-coital breakfast
Slam that bed frame like you’ll Grand Slam your post-coital breakfast

Good god was last night off the chain.  And this morning hasn’t exactly been a solemn day of Sunday school or the Sabbath either.  Atonement is not an option, but chowing down is.  Naturally after a long and fruitful roll in the hay you have both developed quite the appetite.  You require the sustenance of protein and carbohydrates to keep you popping and locking into the afternoon.  All hail eggs and their natural brain and libido boost!  Scramble some of these bad boys up with some choice aphrodisi-tastic ingredients and you have yourself a full recharge.  You may having a hard time choosing between this sandwich and your date’s naked body, but know in your heart of hearts that a patient chef can have both.  Now hurry up and finish this dish!  Your bed frame has an appointment with the wall and you have neighbors to disturb.

Total time: approximately 5 minutes

Projected cost for ingredients: $6

Drinking Buddy: Orange juice or mimosas if you’re feeling saucy

egg-sandwich-prepIngredients (per sandwich):
1. 1 teaspoon of salt (if desired)
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. ½ tablespoon of mayonnaise
4. 1 small baguette
5. ½ an avocado
6. 1 slice of cheddar cheese
7. 3 pieces of bacon (turkey or veggie bacon cool)
8. 2 eggs
9. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
10. ½ handful of mushrooms
11. 1 handful of lettuce
12. ½ a tomato sliced

Step 1
Fry the bacon and set aside.  Throw in the olive oil and grill up the mushrooms.
egg-sandwich-bacon-shrooms
Step 2
Mix the eggs and green onions in a bowl, adding salt if desired.  Pour the mixture over the mushroom and scramble as if your lover’s husband or wife just walked into the house.  Crown the eggs with cheddar cheese and allow it to melt like the hearts of the opposite sex.
egg-sandwich-eggs
Step 3
Spread the mayonnaise on the top side of the split baguette.  Place the bacon, lettuce, tomato and avocado into the bread’s open mouth.  Finally stuff the eggs in, cut the sandwich in half and serve it to your date in bed before round 3.  Hot sauce can throw a tasty curveball your way.
egg-sandwich-assemble

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GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD

December 8, 2008
You garlic going on, you sexy thing, you!
You garlic going on, you sexy thing, you!

No pasta dish is truly complete without garlic bread.  It’s like getting down without your lover going down on you.  Sure the job gets done, but there’s always a part of you longing for a little oral objectification.  Half-assing your meal is like half-assing foreplay, which could lead to dire consequences like a cold shower and possible rumors of small-endowment.  Plus there’s no need to be unsatisfied by your meal when garlic bread is so simple and inexpensive to create.  A few slices, spreads and baking later and you are in business.  Use the bread to mop up that tasty sexy sauce you whipped up.  Lick the plate clean in preparation for the thorough licking you will enjoy later.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes

Projected cost for ingredients: $3

garlic-bread-prepIngredients:
1. 1 small baguette
2. ¼ stick of butter
3. 3 cloves of garlic minced
4. ½ a tomato sliced thinly
5. Parmesan cheese

Step 1
Melt the butter in a saucepan and cook in the garlic until it goes white (approx. 1 minute).  Pour the garlic butter into a container and put in the fridge to cool and harden slightly (approx 15-20 minutes).garlic-bread-butter

Step 2
Cut slices into the baguette leaving some of the bottom crust attached. Spread a small amount of garlic butter between each slice.  Place a slice of tomato between the bread slits.  Grate parmesan a top the baguette.garlic-bread-spread-stuff-sprinkle

Step 3
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  Wrap the bread up in tinfoil and throw in the oven for 15-20 minutes.  The top of the bread will be brown, the tomatoes soft and the cheese melty on top.  Serve with pasta of your choice and accept you are probably getting laid tonight.garlic-bread-bake

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SCREW YOUR BRAINS OUT SCRAMBLE

November 26, 2008
Rambling, gambling and scrambling for a little sexy time.

Rambling, gambling and scrambling for a little sexy time.

Did the date go better than expected?  Has it already been a long morning already with the third round of coed naked Wrestle Mania?  You both must be famished and deserve a worthy recharge.  Protein and veggies should get you back on track for the afternoon of blowing of errands to go for gold in the one-hour orgasm.  Scrambles combine the flavor of the omelet with the simplicity of a boring side of scrambled eggs.  It’s chef’s choice in what to toss in the pan with the eggs.  There are as many possible combinations of veggies, meats, cheeses and flavor as sexual positions in that perverted mind of yours.  Below is essentially a killer combo available in my fridge at the time of creation.  My ravenous breakfast companion would have settled for a Pop Tart.  But why would I allow such a beautiful beggar to settle for anything less than an edible orgasm?

scramble-prepIngredients (for two):
1. 1 teaspoon of salt
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 chicken sausage chopped in bite-size pieces
4. 3 eggs
5. 2 handfuls of spinach
6. 6 ½ a red bell pepper diced
7. 1 handful of shredded mozzarella cheese
8. 2 green onions diced
9. ½ a handful of cilantro chopped finely

Step 1
Crack the eggs in a bowl, thrown in the salt and the cilantro and beat together.scramble-eggs
Step 2
Throw the olive oil in a pan and sauté the green onions and sausage on medium heat until they brown.  Add the spinach and red peppers, cooking until the spinach wilts and peppers soften.scramble-veggies
Step 3
Pour in the eggs mixture over the sausage and veggies evenly so it creates a circular pancake.  Once the eggs harden, mix it all around until cook thoroughly.scramble-eggs1

Step 4
Turn off the heat, toss the mozzarella over the eggs, and cover with a lid.  Give the cheese a minute or so to melt and serve it up with some breakfast potatoes, fruit salad, or the warm embrace of a tortilla.scramble-cheese

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CAPRESE ‘EM AGAINST THE MATTRESS SINWICH

November 24, 2008
The caprese salad has more disguises than a Scooby Doo villain

The caprese salad has more disguises than a Scooby Doo villain

Caprese salad is the simplest Italian salad, but punches you in the nose with the complex flavors it yields.  The buttery mozzarella, crisp tomato, and basil’s hint of the Italian countryside can put you a pimping pedestal.  But sometimes delicious and light aren’t going to cut it when you are hungry enough to eat a Buick.  Not to worry.  This versatile salad leads a double life as a sandwich.  So it’s easy to take this dish on afternoon picnics in areas secluded enough for you to make sweet love in the great outdoors.  Should your date lack taste buds entirely and not like this sensational sandwich, the more for you to savor. “Sorry, sucka!  But I still think your cute…wanna get busy in this grassy meadow?”

caprese-sandwich-prepIngredients (for 2 sandwiches):
1. 2 fresh baked sandwich rolls
2. Olive oil for drizzling
3. Balsamic vinegar for drizzling
4. ½ an avocado sliced
5. 1 tomato sliced
6. 8 ounces of fresh buffalo mozzarella sliced
7. 2 handfuls of fresh whole basil leaves

Step 1
Slice open the bread rolls and lay out the basil leaves, tomato slices, buffalo mozzarella, and avocado.  Drizzle olive oil and balsamic vinegar to your liking.  You want the sandwich to be moist, but not soggy. Cut the sandwich in half and serve up on a plate with a green salad or wrap up to enjoy in the park with your head in your dream girl/guy’s lap.

caprese-sandwich-assemble

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GOT IT GOIN’ ON, CHICKEN PARMESAN

November 7, 2008

Parmigiana wanna banga

Parmigiana wanna banga

Sometimes a remake of an old classic is exactly what a franchise needs.  Like Oceans Eleven, the chicken parmesan model is in dire need of a makeover.  You don’t want your date passing out head first into tired deep-fried cheesy malaise.  It’s time to tell your new squeeze to get ready for the next generation of comfort food.  You get all the same flavors, but half the fat and a hundred times the sex appeal. This recipe was born out of a blunder cooking dinner for my new college girlfriend.  I overcooked the eggplant wedges and had to scramble to salvage my game. Cooking the burnt eggplant with tomato sauce, broccoli, grilled chicken breasts and cheese turned the night from “Oh shit!” to “Oh my God!”  The recipe has since become a permanent fixture in my arsenal and not a single complaint yet.

casa-doro-prep Ingredients:
1. 2 skinless chicken breasts
2. ½ lb of broccoli chopped into bite-size pieces
3. 1-2 eggs beaten.
4. 1/2 inch thick round slices of eggplant
5. Enough breadcrumbs to coat each side of the eggplant
6. Olive oil
7. 1 cup of vodka or marinara sauce
8. 3 handful of mozzarella

Step 1
Crack and beat the eggs in a bowl wide and deep enough to dip the eggplant rounds.  Once both sides of the round are covered in egg, cover it in a second bowl with breadcrumbs.  Finally throw the rounds in a nonstick pan with little to no oil on med-high heat.  Cook until both sides are golden brown and set aside.
casa-doro-eggplant1
Step 2
Cook the chicken breasts and broccoli together in a pan on medium heat.  Cook the chicken all the way through and the broccoli is soft.  Pour in the sauce and any spices you are partial to.  Might I suggest some oregano and chili flakes for a spicy kick of lust?
casa-doro-chix-broc-sauce
Step 3
Once the sauce has fully cooked through the broccoli and chicken and has congealed, crown the chicken breast with a breaded eggplant round.  Throw a handful of mozzarella on each chicken/eggplant stack.  Turn off the heat, cover the pan with a lid and cheese do its thing.  Pull the lid and serve solo, with a side of pasta, or on top of your naked body.
casa-doro-finishing-off