ATKINS FOR TROUBLE BURGER SALAD

March 10, 2015
If you're looking for trouble, you've come to the right site.

If you’re looking for trouble, you’ve come to the right site.

If you’re looking at this site, you are most certainly asking for trouble.  This is not a nice blog to share with your grandmother.  Perhaps your mom, if she’s open-minded or a hot MILF.  The Cook To Bang staff warns you that our content may cause increased heart rate and libido.  But can you blame us?  We are all hopped up on this Atkins-friendly low-carb protein-blast salad.  Every bite brings us closer to walking confidentially in thongs in South Beach. We employed the countless fad diets and a massive dose of steroids to make us beach ready.  You’re wondering if the risks to my health and mental state for bedlam rock-star food orgies were worth it.  You think this hot ass and glistening bedroom muscles are some accident? Read the rest of this entry »


GOING GREEK SALAD

September 5, 2014
Once you go Greek, you don't go back...unless you're squeamish

Once you go Greek, you don’t go back…unless you’re squeamish

The Greeks sure know how to live. They have amazing islands, beautiful tan people and ouzo that pours out of every faucet. Seriously. I actually took an ouzo shower in Mykonos. But the shower was in a club and my Greek friends were pouring it over my head. My first thought was I had pissed off one of the girls by telling her she looks like the homely older sister of the goddess Athena. Thankfully this goddess-like mortal didn’t lose my sarcasm in translation. The ouzo shower was her mating call. Naturally the boorish American read it wrong thinking I had offended her. Believe it or not, that happens a lot. It took a few more alcoholic hosings and a passionate kiss on the dance floor to finally get it. I was crystal clear as the Mediterranean Sea when she led me down to the beach like a Trojan horse. Now I fully comprehend what it means to go Greek. Interesting. What’s also interesting is the island nation’s produce. Super healthy, tasty Greek Salads will fuel many ouzo shower-filled evenings. Do Zeus proud and go Greek! Read the rest of this entry »


STIFFLY STUFFED AVOCADOS

June 4, 2014

Stuff those creamy green treats with some mad flavor!

Stuff those creamy green treats with some mad flavor!

Straight out of a fancy country club near you is this stuffed avocado recipe with a twist.  The catch is we are adding some much needed flavor, spice and additional aphrodisiacs of course.  The avocado already works wonders for your libido, but combine it with some spicy chili and shrimp you have the Guns of the Navarone firing in your mouth.  This dish is sweet, tangy, spicy and creamy in one fell swoop.  It’s like having a lover with split personality: from the crazy bisexual stripper to the meek librarian cum closet sexpot.  This salad is all good and rather enjoyable.  It should work like a champ in getting you the desired randy results.  No doubt, somewhere a prude country club member is exclaiming, “I never!” Read the rest of this entry »


A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS SALAD

April 21, 2014
Slap a bunch of awesome things together and it's bound to be banging!

Slap a bunch of awesome things together and it's bound to be banging!

Sometimes I indulge myself in culinary experiments with various items that I know taste good on their own. Logic might dictate that combining random bits of awesome could rob each of them of what makes them great. I say bully to that! When in doubt, trust your instinct. This motto was reinforced when I threw together this conglomeration of goodies laying around my fridge into a mass of delicious decadence. Sure it wasn’t the prettiest concoction in my armory of awesome. But you know what? Each bite was a kaleidoscope of flavor that took me to the happy places I have enjoyed eating each of these sumptuous sundries. The lucky lady who observed with keen skepticism as I threw this all together ate her words after she ate this party in her mouth. What’s the lesson in all this? Nothing except that taste is in the tongue of the beholder. Now behold this, suckas! Read the rest of this entry »


BANGERINE SALAD

February 7, 2014

Bangerine your date's reluctance to smithereens!

Tangerines are a whorish fruit. While oranges, kiwis, and grapes are off to church to pray they won’t be eaten, tangerines rub their citrus all over everybody.  I’ve never met a fruit so eager for you to eat them out.  They are like that hot girl who realizes her true nature is to be a slut, regardless of what their family, friends and community think.  Fair enough I say.  Who am I to deny something so tasty the privilege of my mouth’s company?  Since tangerines are in season now and cheap (insert hooker reference here), I’m throwing them into the mix just about everywhere. In my salad? Obviously!  In my cereal? Why not!  In my eggs? My mornings have never been so skank-er-licious!  So inspire the whore in your date by serving up a salad with the sweet tangy flavor of bangerines! Read the rest of this entry »


MAKE HEADS SPINACH SALAD

May 31, 2011

Eat enough of this salad and you'll be like Popeye, banging Olive Oil until Wimpy hits you up for more burger money.

The object to any CTB meal is to wow your date into submitting to your carnal cravings. Their heads’ gotta spin like a GI Joe helicoptering after you twist him around until the rubber band almost snaps. Serve something forgettable, and you can forget any extracurricular activities. I don’t even waste my time with anything that might as well have been nuked from a Hungry Man Dinner. You shouldn’t either unless you prefer servicing yourself rather than have a smoking hot bombshell do it for you. Take this spinach salad. Sure I could have assembled a pre-made package in the time it would take to prematurely ejaculate (at least you’d get off). But a spinach salad that tastes like an angel floated down, fed you, and then gave you a reach around is more my speed. I wager those of you who enjoy similar celestial satisfaction will agree. Read the rest of this entry »


TIT AND CABOODLE NOODLE SALAD

April 25, 2011

Oodles of naughty noodles

This salad’s got everything you need for simple satisfaction. I’m talking the whole tit and caboodle. Sure it looks simple, but the flavor shall dance on your tongue and tickle your balls/girly parts. This is a new member of my salad repertoire, but goddamn does it bring out the smiles! Refreshing, light, and totally tasty. Come summertime, you will be glad you have this in your arsenal. Few dishes will refuel as cleanly after sweaty summer sex. You’re welcome! Read the rest of this entry »


A HA! AHI SALAD

March 7, 2011
A ha!  The Ahi Salad has granted me powers heretofore unattainable!

A ha! The Ahi Salad has granted me powers heretofore unattainable!

Congratulations!  You have graduated to a higher plane of salad making.  Now you refuse to settle for iceberg lettuce smothered in ranch dressing.  There is nothing nutritious nor sexy about that blasphemous culinary combination.  No, you are a sophisticated salad eater that wants great taste with enough nutrients to allow you to survive a nuclear famine in style.  Hopefully the date you have chosen to share this with is on the same page because this salad requires 110% commitment.  I have faith that as a reader of COOK TO BANG you are in fact ready to blow them away and get blown in the process.  So get down to business and take this radical new approach to salad making.  When you become a superhero that can hear a mosquito fart in another state you won’t have to question how this came to be.  Just go with it.  I’m so <wipes away tear> proud of you! Read the rest of this entry »


SALADACIOUSLY SALIVATING SALAD

November 17, 2010
Salivate or Salvation?

Salivate or Salvation?

Just looking at pictures of this salad makes me salivate.  Good god was this an orgasmic freaking salad.  Everything in here screams healthy, happy and horny.  You could run a goddamn marathon or at least have some killer marathon sex after eating a plate of this bad boy.  My date didn’t know what to say when I served her this masterpiece.  I’m pretty sure she said YUM!  But it was hard to tell since her mouth was full of salad, shortly followed by my tongue.  It’s pretty safe to say that anyone who throws together something this awesome will surely get laid, if not inducted into the COOK TO BANG hall of fame.  Swing for the fences, my friends! Read the rest of this entry »


BIG PIMPIN’ BBQ SHRIMP SALAD

September 27, 2010

Go Big Pimpin' or go home alone.

Sometimes you gotta big time your salads.  Sure you could serve your date up a simple green salad. But unless you’re following it up with some bodacious entrée, that date of yours will lose interest long before dessert. And that’s if they don’t fall asleep face-first in your uninspired salad.  That is why I went all big pimpin’ with this salad. The hot Chiquita bonita I had over wanted something slamming that would not be expanding her sexy backside.  Aye yi, la Capitan!  The result: our expectations (her appetite; my libido) were surpassed.  I might as well have been drinking Chardonnay out of a pimp chalice with the Cook To Bang logo written in diamonds. Read the rest of this entry »