SEXUAL PRACTICE CACTUS SALSA

October 5, 2015

Dont be a prick-ly pear.

All earthly creatures do it in their own way. Giraffes do it standing up, their long necks intertwined. Male spider monkeys will grab their female partner mid-air, hump them, and release before they even hit the ground. Humans have all kinds of mating rituals from courting over food, to bringing in toys to “bring the spark back”, to discussing the relationship ad nausea post-coital. And within the human genus, we have countless subsets of this behavior. We are an odd species to be sure. Aliens who enslave us two decades from now will be hard-pressed to figure out how to get us to toil away on the Vectarion reactors. I’ll make it simple for them: give us food and let us bang. We’ll take it from there, Remulox. Read the rest of this entry »


PANTYLESS POACHED PEARS

October 4, 2015

Poof go the panties!

Some desserts inspire you to moan with pleasure. Others make you close your eyes and take in all the flavors. But there are some desserts so damn tasty that your underwear disappears. Meet these Frenchy French poached pears sure to set back the Celebrities Keep Your Panties On Organization a decade. As soon as the herpes harpies like Lindsay, Britney, and Paris take a bite, the upskirt paparazzi patrol will be out in force. My apologies for exposing the world to such villainy. But alas, you can use this dessert as a powerful Hail Mary in your arsenal when your date is resisting your bang campaign. Warning: Side effects will include your underwear vanishing too.

Total time: Approximately 25 minutes (or longer if you refrigerate overnight)
Projected cost: $7
Drinking buddy: Champagne

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 cup cheap red wine
2. 1/2 cup white sugar
3. 2 pears
4. 1 lemon
5. 4 cloves

Step 1
Peel, halve, and core the pears.

Step 2
On med-low heat, pour in the wine and sugar. Zest the lemon and squeeze in the juice. Toss in the cloves. Bring to a boil, and then lower heat to a simmer.

Step 3
Put the pear halves, flat end down, and poach for 10 minutes. Flip the pear halves over and poach the rounded halves for another 10 minutes. Remove the pears and reduce the wine sauce by half. Pour the sauce over the pears. You can either serve immediately with ice cream or refrigerate overnight and enjoy cold.

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NEVER HURRY THEIR CURRY

September 9, 2015

Get their curry in a flurry 'til their eyes go blurry.

Rule #1 of gaming is to never be too eager. Desperation is herpes to your prospects. Why rush the inevitable by being a needy little bitch? The best seductions simmer to the point you can’t resist taking a nibble. Serve it up too soon and you will barely enjoy the undercooked, underwhelming sensations to follow. Don’t repeat my tragic blunders by rushing the vibe when it ain’t solid. The only thing you’ll have is a shiny new pair of blue balls. Granted there are certain opportunities to pounce on post haste. These are fun, but fleeting. When it comes creating something exceptional, a little restraint never hurt nobody no how. I’m not suggesting pussing out entirely like some chump. Just know when to hold ‘em; know when to fold ‘em; and know when to bang ‘em. Now savor every last morsel of their curry, champ! Read the rest of this entry »


MUY MACHO PAPAYA GAZPACHO

July 7, 2015

Sweet, spicy, totally macho.

I know what you’re thinking. How could a cold fruity summer soup be so macho? I’m glad you asked. The flavors don’t dance delicately like a ballerina upon your tongue. Fuck no! They river-dance to speed metal all over that tongue of yours with more flavors than you can shake your genitals at. Walls will bust open like the Kool-Aid Man’s back for revenge. Your date won’t wait for permission to ravish you. Mediterranean nymphs shan’t flutter, but grind into your ears with rubber mini-skirts. Does that answer your question? Read the rest of this entry »


LOX BREAKFAST BRAIN SCRAMBLE

June 22, 2015

Lox me up, because otherwide, I'd break these chains and ravage anything in my sight.

With Valentines Day creeping in like a ninja assassin, you better be ready with you’re A-game if you are seeing someone you like. It’s make or break time that will define where this relationship of yours will progress towards. If you don’t like them all that much, might I suggest a vacation far far away. You don’t want to be anywhere near town with a clinger you’re about to retire. But those of you lucky enough to have that one person you would gladly Cook To Bang every night, you need to start Valentine’s Day off right. There are few better approaches than breakfast in bed. Cliche it may be, but effective at not only dropping panties, but also keeping them off for long gaps of time it is. This fancy scramble from the future us perfect for sending the message that, ìNot only do I enjoy banging you, but also listening to you talk while we eat breakfast together.î If that is not true love, I weep for the future. Read the rest of this entry »


TOFU SUMMER ROLLS IN THE HAY

June 8, 2015
Summer rolling with the homies

Summer rolling with the homies

Summertime calls for lighter fare so we can hone our buns, abs and groins of steel.  Gone are the big coats that hide our blubbery bits.  If you want to bang you gotta look bangable.  So it’s time to put the dairy and beef products aside and get healthy.  Vegan food can be boring if you let it.  But how many obese vegans do you know?  My advice is to embrace the Asian fusion hippie party time.  Be sure your date notices how cultured and sensitive you are.  Play it off like you’ve gone green, instead of just greedy for more banging. If you want to roll in the hay, you better start rolling. Read the rest of this entry »


DANK ORGANIC VEGGIE BURRITOS

May 21, 2015
Get the best Dank Organic Veggie Burrito on Phish tour!

Get the best Dank Organic Veggie Burrito on Phish tour!

Holy shit, bra!  Did you catch Phish at Bonaroo?  I mean like wow, man!  Maybe I can articulate it without than bohemian euphemisms once the acid wears off.  At least I was able to pick up some hard-body hippie harlots in the lot selling Dank Organic Veggie Burritos out of my mom’s Prius.  They thought my vegan wraps were heady, yo.  I played them some old bootlegs from like WAY back in the day.  They were mad impressed, especially when they started rubbing the Phish tat across my heart.  Good thing they didn’t realize it was just henna until after I get my dirty hippie orgy on. Read the rest of this entry »


FORBIDDEN FRUIT SALAD

April 16, 2015
Bear fruit before you bare all

Bear fruit before you bare all

You should know better. This salad is reserved for the harvest Gods.  But you eat it anyway.  Sinner.  Man should not have access to a salad this powerful. The discovery of this recipe is akin to Prometheus giving man fire.  Sure I’ll have to wash a mountain of dishes for all eternity, but knowing you might serve this to a hot date makes it all worth it.  Ye shall reap the glory from this culinary gem heretofore unattainable.  It’s the only ammunition you’ll need for a successful conquest.  The Forbidden Fruit Salad has delivered for me on more than on occasion, sexing up a few dull BREAKFASTS and lunches.  This represents one of my favorite fruit combinations, but I encourage you to try your favorite.  Did I mention this ultra-healthy salad will make certain bodily secretions taste way better? Read the rest of this entry »


HUMMUNNA HUMMUNNA HUMMUS

March 26, 2015
Hummus = Hummer, simple as that

Hummus = Hummer, simple as that

Bing bang boom!  When you hear that sound, you know it’s on.  It’s pretty much on as soon as your date sees you make homemade hummus.  They will be puzzled at the simplicity, your mastery of the food blender, and this uncanny ability to serve them exactly what they want.  Don’t question the logic.  Go with it giving your most defiant stare of FUCK YEAH!  There’s no need to say anything.  The creamy, flavor-packed Middle Eastern condom-ment will say it for you.  Your date will innately understand that they have a goddamn legend-in-the-making on their hands and acquiesce to your most perverted demands.  See you in the Elysian Fields! Read the rest of this entry »


WELL, HELLO! PORTOBELLO TACOS

January 28, 2015
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say, "Well, Hello! Portobello Tacos."

I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say, “Well, Hello! Portobello Tacos.”

Well, hello there!  Haven’t seen you around.  I would have noticed someone as fine as you.   What inspired you to come to my little part of the world?  No shit!  You came to see me?  You want me to cook to bang you?  Fair enough.  It’s just that I’m usually the one pursuing dates.  Nothing wrong with someone aggressive that knows what they want.  If it’s me you want, so be it. Wait, you’re vegan? Why?  Never mind. It won’t be a problem. So how about some Portobello mushroom tacos?  Glad you enjoyed them.  Shall we retire to the bedroom now?  Thanks for stopping by. Read the rest of this entry »