Cook To Bang – Recipes To Get You Laid

February 2010
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MAKE HEADS SPINACH SALAD

Posted on February 9, 2010 by cooktobang

Eat enough of this salad and you'll be like Popeye, banging Olive Oil until Wimpy hits you up for more burger money.

The object to any CTB meal is to wow your date into submitting to your carnal cravings. Their heads’ gotta spin like a GI Joe helicoptering after you twist him around until the rubber band almost snaps. Serve something forgettable, and you can forget any extracurricular activities. I don’t even waste my time with anything that might as well have been nuked from a Hungry Man Dinner. You shouldn’t either unless you prefer servicing yourself rather than have a smoking hot bombshell do it for you. Take this spinach salad. Sure I could have assembled a pre-made package in the time it would take to prematurely ejaculate (at least you’d get off). But a spinach salad that tastes like an angel floated down, fed you, and then gave you a reach around is more my speed. I wager those of you who enjoy similar celestial satisfaction will agree.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Dry white wine

Ingredients (Serves 4):
1. 2 handfuls feta cheese
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. Champagne vinaigrette at your discretion
5. 4 massive handfuls fresh spinach
6. 7 bacon strips (piggy, turkey, or veggie)
7. 4 eggs
8. 1 container mushrooms sliced thinly

Step 1
Fry the bacon, dab away the grease, and chop into nibbles.

Step 2
Hard boil the eggs, cool down in cold water, remove shells, and slice thinly.

Step 3
Combine the spinach, bacon, eggs, and feta cheese. Toss with the champagne vinaigrette, salt and pepper as you like, and serve immediately.

Filed under: LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, healthy | Tagged: angelic, angels, bacon, bang, banging, black pepper, bombshell, carnal cravings, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, feta cheese, food, game changer, get laid, gi joe, gourmet, greens, guarantee, healthy, helicopter, homemade, hungry man dinner, intercourse, kitchen, libido, makes head spinach salad, memorable, microwave, mushrooms, naked, premature ejaculation, recipe, rogerings, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spinach salad recipe, tasty, toss your salad, yummy | Leave a Comment »

LOX IT DOWN BAGEL

Posted on February 8, 2010 by cooktobang

Lox to do, lox-a-million

There comes a time in your life where you need to stake your claim. Lox it down! Usually we do it on top of mountains or when you buy a new house. But what about staking a claim in someone’s heart (or pants)? You have to flip their script to make that happen. That’s where the CTB method becomes in essential. Whipping up a gourmet classic will win the hearts and loins. Create the right dish for the right person at right time and you have a devotee on your hand. Be careful because they might get hooked on you. Then you might have a Stage-5 clinger who would rob a armored car for you. This slice of Yiddish awesome is one such dish. Your luck with Israelis in particular will go up 1000% when you bring this classic Jewish dish into the mix. With that many beautiful nationals, you’d be well served to whip some up stat!

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI or MIMOSUCK IT

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 bagel
2. Cream cheese at your discretion
3. 1 tiny handful capers
4. red onion chopped into strips
5. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
6. 2 OZ smoked SALMON lox thinly sliced

Step 1
Split the bagel and toast until golden brown. Spread a reasonable amount of cream cheese onto the bagel. Assemble by placing lox, avocado, red onions, and capers.

Filed under: RECIPES | Tagged: avocado, bagel, bang, banging, capers, cream cheese, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Israeli, jewish, kitchen, libido, lox, lox it down, naked, recipe, red onion, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, smoked salmon, stage-5 clinger, stake claim, tasty, Yiddish, yummy | Leave a Comment »

JAMBALAYA DOWN WITH ME

Posted on February 5, 2010 by cooktobang

Blue 42, blue 42, hut hut bang!

Welcome to Part II of the 2010 CTB Super Bowl recipe throw down. For the uninitiated or those lacking cognitive reasoning, jambalaya is a dish native to Louisiana, New Orleans in particular. Therefore this dish is dedicated to the New Orleans Saints. My life is too consumed with cooking and banging to pay much attention to football stats. The Saints or the Colts could triumph and it wouldn’t make any difference so long as I have someone warm and cuddly in my bed that night. But in terms of the Food Bowl, New Orleans crushes Indianapolis hands down. The cuisine down South is like a wet dream jumping right off my plate and down my pantaloons. It might be the French influence, it might be the innovations of American ancestors, it might be that I am totally gay for spicy food. I wager all three. But you will turn a few heads with this dish that feeds the hungry, unwashed masses. So whomever you’re cheering for, you will leave a winner with phone numbers and possibly a football-loving hottie on your arm.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Beer, beer, and more beer!

Ingredients (Serves a pack of party people):
1. 2 cups long grain white rice
2. 4 cups chicken stock
3. 2 tbsp olive oil
4. 1 tsp Cajun seasoning
5. 3 OZ can tomato paste
6. 2 dashes black pepper
7. 2 dashes salt
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 2 bell peppers chopped in strips
10. 4 tomatoes chopped coarsely
11. 1 lb chicken cut in bite-sized pieces
12. 3 Andouille sausages (poultry sausage works)
13. 1/2 lemon
14. 4 garlic cloves chopped finely

Step 1
Marinate the chicken with lemon, salt, and black pepper (approx 10 min). Warm up 1 tbsp of olive oil on medium heat and brown the chicken, cooking it through and set it aside. Brown the sausages on both sides and set aside.

Step 2
Heat up the remaining olive oil in a stockpot to sauté the garlic until it goes white (approx 30 sec). Toss in the onions and bell peppers, salt and pepper them, and cook until they’re as translucent as a gold-digging skeeze-bag (approx 5 min).

Step 3
Mix the tomato paste in and cook until it browns and starts to cake to the pot (approx 3 min). Pour in 1 can of chicken stock, using the liquid to scrape the caked tomato paste off the side of the stockpot, and bring to a boil (approx 4 min). Add the tomatoes, Cajun seasoning, pre-browned chicken and sausage, and the chicken stock. Bring it to a roaring boil on high heat.

Step 4
Add the rice to the boiling stockpot of goodness. Turn the heat down low, cover with a lid, and simmer, stirring occasionally until the rice absorbs all the liquid (approx 25 min).

Jambalaya is the perfect side for most Southern ENTREES. But if I had to choose my favorite, serve with BANGIN’ SOME CAJUNS SHRIMP and a LECHEROUS LEMON BAR.

Filed under: CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, Cajun, RECIPES, Super bowl, carboluscious, poultry, southern, spicy, sports | Tagged: ancestors, andouille sausage, bang, banging, bell peppers, black pepper, Cajun, Cajun seasoning, chicken, chicken stock, creole, cuisine, delicious, dip, DIY, easy, food, football, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, Indianapolis colts, intercourse, jamabalaya recipe, kitchen, lemon, libido, Louisiana, naked, New Orleans, new Orleans saints, nfl, olive oil, onion, pantaloons, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slow cook, south, southern, spicy, Super bowl, tasty, tomato paste, tomatoes, unwashed masses, white rice, yummy | Leave a Comment »

7 LAYERS OF AWESOME DIP

Posted on February 3, 2010 by cooktobang

Layer upon layer of resistance-slayers.

This recipe goes out to all the Indianapolis Colts’ fans. According to my research, a girl from Indiana I’m banging, 7 Layer Dip is their ultimate sports-viewing treat. Forgive me if I was misinformed. Rather than curse my inaccuracies with mob justice your time would be better served recreating this dish and serve it up to your football-viewing posse. People who like variety are well sorted with this All-American concoction. The 7 Layer Dip is sort of like a chameleon lover who will become whatever you want them to be. Whether you want white, black, Latin, Asian, or a magical mix, you will get your fill. Talk about a menagerie of flavor! Make this dip, bring it to the party, and go home with some impressed hottie for the TOUCHDOWN!

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Beer, beer, and more beer!

Ingredients (Serves a whole party):
1. 1 bag tortilla chips
2. 1 can refried bean
3. 1 small container sour cream
4. SIMPLY SEXY SALSA
5. GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE
6. 2 handfuls jack cheese
7. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful black olives diced

Step 1
Warm up the refried beans on medium-low heat, mixing in the tomatoes (approx 5 min). Evenly pour the beans into your serving bowl.

Step 2
Pour in the contents of these evenly in this order: salsa, green onions, half the jack cheese, sour cream, guacamole, olives, and the remaining cheese.

Place the chips artfully around the edge of the dip right before serving. Hear those cheers? They aren’t for the latest sack. It’s for your sexy ass!

Filed under: FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, Super bowl, mexican, sports, vegetarian | Tagged: 7 layer dip recipe, 7 layers of awesome dip, all-american, bang, banging, black olives, chameleon, colts, delicious, dip, DIY, easy, food, football, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guacamole, guarantee, homemade, Indiana, Indianapolis, intercourse, jack cheese, jocks, kitchen, libido, menagerie, naked, nfl, recipe, refried beans, salsa, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sour cream, sports, superbowl, superbowl recipes, tasty, tomatoes, tortilla chips, touchdown, usa, vegetarian, yummy | Leave a Comment »

RAM THAT GRAHAM

Posted on February 3, 2010 by cooktobang

Ram that graham and until your lover say, "Dammmmn!"

Much props goes out to PRISCILLA in Charlotte, NC for this confection concoction. I first made this dessert while I was doing a CTB Home Invasion at her pad. Homegirl had so much great food to work with it was embarrassment of riches. The ladies atteneding all did agree that it was pretty damn delicious. Whodathunk such a random commingling of goods would kick such ass? The graham rammed itself down everybody’s throats with not a complaint in the mix. It’s as if it came to life, wooed each and every one of us individually, and then banged us sweetly. I want to say I was taken advantage of, perhaps violated. But that would be a lie. All witnesses can attest that I was flirting with my dessert all night. Every few minutes I’d be checking it out in the oven, fondling it, cooing sweet nothings about how banging it looked. I woke up in an empty bed with nothing but graham and coconut crumbs and a note that read: Thanks for the memories!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: Milk mixed with Baileys

Ingredients (Serves a whole party):
1. 1 lb Golden Grahams
2. 1 lb marshmallows
3. 1/2 stick butter
4. 2 handfuls shredded coconut

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Melt the butter in a deep pan on low heat. Add the marshmallows and melt down into a goop, stirring occasionally (approx 5 min). Turn off the heat and thoroughly mix in the Golden Grahams.

Step 2
Scoop the gooey grahams into a large baking pan, pressing it down with a spatula. Evenly scatter the shredded coconut on top and toss in the oven. Bake until the coconut toasts slightly (approx 25 min).

With great precision and some elbow grease, cut out squares of this totally awesome sweet treat. Goes great with vanilla ice cream

Filed under: RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, dairy, southern | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, butter, charlotte, crumbs, ctb, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, golden grahams, gourmet, graham krispies, guarantee, home invasion, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, marshmallows, naked, north Carolina, Priscilla, ram that graham, random, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shredded coconut, sweet nothings, sweet temptation, tasty, yummy | Leave a Comment »

VEGAN VIXEN SOUP

Posted on February 2, 2010 by cooktobang

I'm fixin' for a vixen!

I should have known better. Vegan girls are always trouble. And it’s not just because they are a pain in the ass to feed. There’s something kooky in anyone who limits their culinary possibilities so severely. But the upside is the rarity of obese vegans. Harmony was certainly no exception. She’s yoga master flex, hence me taking an interest. Picking up one’s yoga instructor is a delicate dance. The last thing you want to do is crash and burn, too humiliated to return to a class you enjoyed. I overheard Harmony gab on about her vegan diet and the explosive orgasms she enjoyed as a result, so I rocked the vegan angle. Post-yoga vegan soup on a cold Sunday evening? Harmony was on it, and on me after she sucked down my soup. Home girl demonstrated yoga possibilities I had never even wet-dreamed of. Now we have a regular Sunday Cirque du Vegan: I cook; she defies and gratifies gravity.

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 can vegetable stock
2. 1/4 cup white wine vinegar
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 dash black pepper
6. 1/2 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 potato
8. 1 bunch radishes
9. 1 JALEPENO sliced
10. 3 saffron strands

Step 1
First rinse the potato thoroughly and chopped coarsely. Wash the radish, cut away and discard the stalks, but keep the leafy tops, coarsely chopped.

Step 2
Heat up the olive oil in the pan on medium heat. Sauté the onions until they soften (approx 2 min). Add the jalapeño slices, spicing with salt and pepper (approx 1 min). Thrown in the radish slices, chopped leaves, and potatoes. Pour in the white wine vinegar, bring to a boil, and then simmer (approx 5 min).

Step 3
Pour the stock in, add the saffron strands, and bring to a roaring boil. Turn the heat down low and simmer, covered until the veggies are super duper soft (approx 20 min). Puree the soup until it’s all a unified, banging blend.

Filed under: APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, aphrodisiac, healthy, hippie, irish, spicy, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: bang, banging, black pepper, calivirgin, cirque du soleil, delicious, DIY, easy, explosive orgasms, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gravity, guarantee, harmony, homemade, intercourse, jalapeño, kitchen, kooky, libido, naked, obese, olive oil, onion, possibilities, potato, puree, radish, recipe, saffron, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, tasty, vegan, vegan soup, vegan vixen soup recipe, vegetable stock, vegetarian, vixen, white wine vinegar, winter, yoga instructor, yummy | 1 Comment »

WINTER VEGGIE STIR-FRY ORGY

Posted on February 1, 2010 by cooktobang

Lights, camera, hardcore action!

Winter vegetables are way kinkier than anyone credits them for. It’s sort of like the meek librarian who sluts it up in Vegas or the mild-mannered accountant that spends his lunch hour at a dominatrix dungeon. There’s always something sinful underneath the surface. Sometimes you just gotta dig a little. You dig? That is what I learned when I threw a little get together for my winter veggie friends. We all had a few drinks, noshed on some shrooms, and then played some Al Green. What happened next was straight out of a bad 70’s porno. The radish made cad remarks to the broccoli about her fine looking stalk and then broke out some aphrodisiacs they used as sex toys. Once things got saucy there was nothing I could do but grab the camera like a good porn director would. Fingers crossed that my little veggie porn wins at the 2010 AVN Awards for best Group Sex and/or Midget Felatio Film.

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Cabernet

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 tbsp OYSTER sauce (substitute w/ soy sauce to make vegan)
3. 2 tbsp sesame oil
4. 1 white radish
5. 1 head broccoli
6. 2 tbsp GINGER finely chopped
7. 1 tbsp BASIL finely chopped
8. 1/2 package mushrooms sliced thinly

Step 1
First rinse the white radishes, chop up the stems, and slice radish rounds thinly. Wash the broccoli, chop the ends of the stock away so the trees break apart, and chop up the broccoli leaves if you have them.

Step 2
Heat up the sesame oil in the pan on medium heat. Saute the ginger (approx 1 min). Lay the radish evenly around the pan, adding the basil and salt, cooking until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the broccoli, broccoli leaves, radish stems, and mushrooms. Stir-fry away once you add the oyster sauce until the leaves wilt and broccoli softens (approx 4 min).

This stir-fry is a perfect solo act, but would do nicely with something CARBOLUSCIOUS.

Filed under: APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Chinese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, aphrodisiac, asian, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: 1970’s porn, 2010, 70’s porno, adult video news, al green, aphrodisiac, asian, avn awards, bang, banging, basil, broccoli, cad, china, Chinese, delicious, DIY, dominatrix, dungeon, easy, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, group sex, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, las vegas, libido, midget felatio, mushrooms, naked, oyster sauce, porn director, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, sex toys, shrooms, stir fry, tasty, vegas, white radish, winter vegetables, winter veggie stir-fry orgy, winter veggie stir-fry recipe, yummy | Leave a Comment »

NEVER HURRY THEIR CURRY

Posted on January 29, 2010 by cooktobang

Get their curry in a flurry 'til their eyes go blurry.

Rule #1 of gaming is to never be too eager. Desperation is herpes to your prospects. Why rush the inevitable by being a needy little bitch? The best seductions simmer to the point you can’t resist taking a nibble. Serve it up too soon and you will barely enjoy the undercooked, underwhelming sensations to follow. Don’t repeat my tragic blunders by rushing the vibe when it ain’t solid. The only thing you’ll have is a shiny new pair of blue balls. Granted there are certain opportunities to pounce on post haste. These are fun, but fleeting. When it comes creating something exceptional, a little restraint never hurt nobody no how. I’m not suggesting pussing out entirely like some chump. Just know when to hold ‘em; know when to fold ‘em; and know when to bang ‘em. Now savor every last morsel of their curry, champ!

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Beer, beer, and more beer

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 can red curry
4. 1 onion chopped coarsely
5. 1 tbsp GINGER chopped finely
6. 1 zucchini sliced thinly
7. 2 handfuls cilantro chopped coarsely
8. 1 lime wedge
9. 2 tbsp fish sauce (skip to make vegan)
10. 1/2 can coconut milk (optional, not pictured, sue me)

Step 1
Sauté the ginger on medium heat until they white slightly (approx 1 min). Throw in the onions and saute until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in 1 handful of cilantro, along with the zucchini slices and fish sauce and sauté until they soften (approx 3 min).

Step 2
Pour in the red curry into cook until the liquid reduces in half (approx 5 min), stirring occasionally. Pour in a half can of coconut milk, again cooking until the liquid reduces by 1/3 (approx 3 min). Turn the heat down low, throw in the remaining cilantro, and squeeze in the limejuice

Step 3
You can eat it with a spoon, but I suggest steaming rice, creating a circle of rice on each plate, and ladle curry in the middle.

Throw in a little leafy greens (cilantro pictured) for aesthetics and extra flava.

Filed under: APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, aphrodisiac, asian, fusion, spicy, thai, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, blue balls, blunder, cilantro, coconut milk, delicious, desperation, DIY, eager, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, naked, never hurry their curry recipe, olive oil, onion, post haste, pussing, recipe, red curry, rushing the vibe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simmer, tasty, thai, Thailand, vegan, vegetarian, vegetarian red curry recipe, yummy, zucchini | Leave a Comment »

SO DAPPER RED SNAPPER

Posted on January 28, 2010 by cooktobang

Trap her with some red snapper

A red snapper walked into the social club wearing a three-piece suit, a pocket watch sticking out of his waistcoat. All the ladies heads turned, enthralled by this sexy piece of manfish. Who was he to deny the unwavering lust of the cougars that scratched and pulled each others’ hair to get a taste? When the dust settled, every lady was smoking a post-coital cigarette. The red snapper was nowhere to be seen, but would not soon be forgotten. ìWhat’s the lesson?î you ask. Make an impression, own the room, and you too will be devoured with the right amount of umph.

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: A bottle of Sauvignon blanc

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 dashes salt
2. 2 dashes crushed red CHILI flakes
3. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 2 RED SNAPPER filets (only 1 pictured, sorry)
5. Zest of 1/2 lemon
6. 1/2 lemon

Step 1
Rub a dash of salt and half the lemon zest into the top of each filet. Warm up the olive oil in pan on medium heat. Lay the filets in, zesty side down, sprinkling the chili flakes and squeeze in the lemon juice. Cook until the fish meat goes white and the lemon zest is absorbed (approx 3 min), then flip and cook the other side through (approx 2 min). Serve up with ROASTED TITS & ASS-PARAGUS.

Filed under: APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, aphrodisiac, healthy, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, calivirgin, cougar, crushed red chili flakes, dapper, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, lemon red snapper recipe, libido, manfish, naked, olive oil, pan-fry, pocket watch, post-coital, recipe, red snapper, salt, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, so dapper red snapper, tasty, three-piece suit, umph, waistcoat, yummy, zest | Leave a Comment »

ROASTED TITS & ASS-PARAGUS

Posted on January 27, 2010 by cooktobang

T&A is easy as pushing play on your CTB Music Mix

T&A is what every straight dude seeks when they CTB. Pull it off right and all will be revealed. The important thing is not to rush it or appear too eager. Naturally, in an era where we want what we want now and quit wasting my goddamn time, it’s hard to exercise restraint. But a smooth seduction is like roasting asparagus. Let it happen. The last thing you want is to crank the heat up so you can get the green aphrodisiac out of the oven faster in order to get on with the show. That will only lead to overcooked, underappreciated slop. Did I mention your kinky campaign will be totally FUBAR? Ease into it, sucka. If you add the right amount of flavor with the right amount of heat and the right amount of time, you will be more than all right. And to my female and gay male readership, the same rules apply minus the whole T&A thing.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: All depends on ENTREE, but dry white wine is asparagus’ friend

Ingredients (Serves 4):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 dash black pepper
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
5. 1/2 lb ASPARAGUS

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Wash the asparagus and chop off the tips, and discard. Spread out the asparagus flat in a baking pan. Sprinkle evenly with garlic, salt and pepper, and then drizzle with olive oil.

Step 2
Throw the asparagus in the oven and roast until they brown slightly (approx 30 min). Serve that delicious goodness up with something equally healthy and banging.