GET A ROOM! HEIRLOOM TOMATO SALAD

July 28, 2014
Get a room?  What’s wrong with a little exhibitionism?  You get a room!

Get a room? What’s wrong with a little exhibitionism? You get a room!

No doubt, some ninny has scolded you for PDA’ing the night away.  They are just jealous of your mojo and spontaneity.  It’s not your fault they aren’t inspired to engage in carnal acts in public, possibly in a suburban shopping mall or on a merry-go-round.  Chances are they haven’t banged properly since the Reagan administration.  Tough titties.  You on the other hand still have a pulse and should cry out, “To hell with you cock-blocking conservatives!”  Grab that special someone’s ass and pull them towards you.  Encourage them to open their mouth and feed them something refreshing and sensual…like this salad.  The fresh tomatoes will dance on your tongues like another tongue, preparing them for the inevitable closing move that will ruffle the feathers of every starched shirt in a 10-mile radius.  Know in your heart that you haven’t done your job until you get complaints from the morality morons.

heirloom-salad-prepTotal time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red or white wine

Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 3 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar
2. 1 tablespoon of HONEY
3. 2 handfuls of toasted sunflower seeds
4. 1 bunch of rainbow chard
5. 4 heirloom tomatoes
6. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 1 fist-sized ball of buffalo mozzarella

Step 1
Create the balsamic reduction by pouring the balsamic vinegar and honey in a small pot and bringing to a boil under low heat.  Allow ½ the liquid to evaporate and then remove from heat.  Pour the reduction in a small bowl and place in the refrigerator so it will cool while you prepare the salad.
heirloom-salad-balsamic-reduction
Step 2
Wash the chard, chop into bite-sized pieces, and then throw in a salad bowl.  Wash the tomatoes, cut thin round slices, and toss them in the bowl as well. Toss the avocado slices in too.  Cut the buffalo mozzarella into thin rounds and toss those in and crown it all with toasted sunflower seeds.
heirloom-salad-mix
Step 3
Scoop up the salad as is onto the each small plate.  Drizzle a teaspoon worth of balsamic reduction, throw some sunflowers seed on top and serve.  Make sure that room is ready!
heirloom-salad-assemble-dress

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FLIRTY TURKEY BRIE SINWICH

July 25, 2014
Flirty, dirty and wordy.  This sandwich offers all manners of sinful delights.

Flirty, dirty and wordy. This sandwich offers all manners of sinful delights.

This turkey sandwich is no ordinary sandwich.  It has sex appeal scientists are struggling to devise a method of measuring.  It can’t help flirting with everyone its path.  This sandwich has won over everyone it has met besides a few vegetarians who are questioning their own eating habits.  That is the power of said sandwich.  The tantalizing melted brie cheese, cranberry goodness, creamy aphrodisiac-laden avocado and crunchy bread dares to take you where no sandwich has gone before.  You almost forget your eating a sandwich at all.  It seems more like nosh meant for the gods who happen to be food snobs.  I made this sandwich and God said it was good. God said it was damn good and paused time so he could have second.  Amen!

turkey-brie-sandwich-prep-copyTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE or a SLUTTY TEMPLE

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Dijon mustard
2. Mayonnaise
3. 4 slices of sourdough bread
4. Sliced turkey
5. 4 long thin slices of brie cheese
6. 2 small handfuls of dried cranberries
7. 1 tomato sliced thinly
8. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly

Step 1

Spread mayonnaise on one slice of bread and Dijon mustard on the other.  Place half the turkey on the mayo side, topping it off with the Brie cheese, dried cranberries, tomato and avocado.  Repeat with second sandwich.turkey-brie-sandwich-assembleStep 2
Throw the sandwiches in the oven and toast until the bread browns.  Slice each sandwich in half and serve for some lazy pre or post-coital nosh.turkey-brie-sandwich-toast-cut

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SEXIER THAN DEAD ELVIS SINWICH

July 23, 2014
They serve this fried delight at the Heartbreak Hotel

They serve this fried delight at the Heartbreak Hotel

Elvis has left the building…in a body bag.  Too many fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches I suppose. I can’t explain it, but hipsters love them some Elvis.  Must be the irony associated with his gold lamé suit, mutual love of pills and consumption of odd foods sure to leave you bloated and possibly dead on the shitter.  Cook To Bang does not endorse this behavior nor the hipster lifestyle.  But this sandwich is a delicious lark to share with your hipster lover after an ironic banging session.  Just be sure to crank some Elvis tunes, you hunk a hunk of burning love.  (That burning is Chlamydia, by the way.)
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: Elvis style: A milkshake with a fistful of barbiturates

elvis-sinwich-prep1Ingredients (for two sinwiches):
1. 4 tablespoons of peanut butter
2. 2 tablespoons of honey
3. 1 tablespoon of butter
4. 4 slices of bread
5. 1 banana

Step 1
Spread butter on each slice of bread.  Spread peanut butter on the other side of each slice of bread. Cut the banana lengthwise in thin strips (should cut into 4 slices) and lay across one side of each sandwich.  Smother the bananas in honey.
elvis-sinwich-spread
Step 2
Push each sandwich together.  Heat a pan up on medium heat.  Place each sandwich in the pan and cook each side until it is golden brown, flipping once.  Remove from the pan and cut in half and serve up, preferably with some Elvis line.  Thank you, thank you very much!
elvis-sinwich-cookelvis-sinwich-served-2

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PANTY DROPPING SHANDY

July 21, 2014
Let your date guess what they’re tasting.  They will be surprised and aroused.

Let your date guess what they’re tasting. They will be surprised and aroused.

Shandy, you dandy randy non-brandy.  This is a classic British drink that runs the gamut of concoctions from the mundane: beer mixed with 7-Up to the insane: beer mixed lighter fluid and sharks blood.   Let’s just call this one a compromise that is Forest Gump stupid easy to make.  The garnishes make all the difference.  The mint, lime and lemons are like the tuxedo that covers up a pair of tighty whiteys.  Shandy’s are refreshingly intoxicating and are perfect to cool your hot steamy ass off.  After all, Shandy’s were the drink of choice for the British imperialists occupying nation a whole muggier than their cooler limey homes.  So make like an imperialist swine and occupy some territory in your date’s pantalones.

panty dropping shandy prepTotal time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Eating Buddy: Goes great with seafood & FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY

Ingredients (makes a party for 2):
1. 1 6-pack of your favorite inexpensive beer
2. 1 tube of frozen lemonade concentrate
3. 1 lime cut into small pieces
4. 1 lemon cut into small pieces
5. 1 handful of fresh mint leaves

Step 1
Mix together the frozen lemonade concentrate, beer, mint leaves, lemons and limes. Serve them up in clear glasses so your glorious drink can be admired.
panty dropping shandy mix

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BANGING SAFARI CALAMARI TACOS

July 18, 2014
Come on a banging safari with me!

Come on a banging safari with me!

The Beach Boys sang about surfing safaris.  They’d travel the world surfing and singing their little hearts out.  Not a bad idea, except substitute banging for surfing, and singing for grilling.  Now we’re talking about a trip to remember.  We can squeeze in some waves and singing while in the final throes of banging.  But it’s all about beach time fun time all the time.  You don’t have time to waste in the water when you have hot tanning bodies waiting for you to invite them to chill out while you grill out.  Use the surfboard as a prop and hint that you just won a lifetime supply of sunscreen.  Offer to rub some of your grand prize onto their shoulders and lure them over to your beach shack.  Demonstrate your skills out of the water and grill them up some crazy easy, low-calorie tacos that won’t harm their swimsuit bod.  Now comes the easy part of the safari.

calamari-tacos-prepTotal time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: Margarita or beer

Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
2. 1 teaspoon of black pepper
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 8 small corn tortillas
5. ½ a lemon of juice
6. 1 onion cut into large strips
7. 1 lb. of CALAMARI steak
8. 3 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly
10. 1 tomato chopped coarsely

Step 1
Wrap the tortillas in tinfoil and heat them in the oven at 200 degrees F. Create the taco marinade by combining the garlic, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and black pepper in a bowl.  Throw in the calamari steaks and onions and allow the flavor to set in (approx 15 minutes).
calamari-tacos-marinate
Step 2
Heat up the grill: if you are using charcoal, allow the coals to become embers; if you are rocking the gas grill, cook on medium-high heat.  Throw on the calamari steaks and onions and cook through, flipping halfway so the calamari steaks brown and the onions become soft and translucent (approx 3 minutes per side).  Chop the grilled calamari into bite-sized pieces.
calamari-tacos-grill-cut
Step 3
Assemble the tacos by throwing a small handful of calamari and onions, two slices of avocado and a tiny handful of chopped tomatoes into each open tortilla.  Serve up with some MANGO SALSA or your favorite hot sauce.

calamari-tacos-assemble

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COSTA RICA CHICA CHICKEN

July 16, 2014
Which Costa Boasta the Mosta Rica Chicas?

Which Costa Boasta the Mosta Rica Chicas?

I have traveled the world sampling the finest food and women. Each has its own unique taste, smell and overall experience. Some are memorable like this simple chicken sandwich in a baguette I ate in Paris, while the same thing I ate in Des Moines, Iowa was as forgettable as that Matt LeBlanc show after Friends. The same can be said about certain late night rendezvous where I’ll never forget the first girl to show up at my house with strawberries and cream, but am trying to forget about the one who brought BBQ sauce and coleslaw. This research is done in the name of Cooking and Banging. I do not take it lightly! But one particularly memorable CTB story took place in Costa Rica. I met a senorita that laughed at me from the beach as I attempted to surf. My Spanglish worked well enough to charm her into inviting me over for a post-surf lunch. This chica’s abuela was making this chicken dish in her tiny kitchen. I ignored her granddaughter and assister her in making this dish. The ploy to choose the chica’s grandmother’s company over hers became a double checkmate. Not only did I learn and document an awesome new recipe, but the semi-jealous chica also made sure that I was completely satisfied after lunch in the hammock.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: A margarita or beer

pollo-en-salsa-prepIngredients (serves 4):
1. 1 whole chicken cut up into pieces: breasts, drumsticks, wings, and thighs
2. 2 packets of chicken consome/bouillon
3. 1 can of green peppers in salsa *
4. 1 can of mushrooms in salsa *
5. 1 tablespoon of butter
6. 4 garlic cloves chopped finely
7. 1 red bell pepper chopped into bite-sized strips
8. 1 onion chopped into cut into bite-sized strips
9. 1 large handful of cilantro chopped coarsely
10. 2 tablespoons of achiote paste (not pictured…may god have mercy on my soul)
*Optional

Step 1

Melt the butter in a large pot on medium-high heat. Throw in the bell pepper, onion, garlic and cilantro and cook until they soften (approx 4 minutes). Add the achiote paste and cook until the veggies go red (approx 2 minutes). Throw in the chicken and cook with the veggies until the skin browns on each side (approx 5 minutes).
pollo-en-salsa-veggies-achiot-chickenStep 2
Add the consome/bouillon packets and a cereal bowl full of water. Dump in the salsa cans of mushrooms and green peppers if you so desire and bring it to a roaring boil.
pollo-en-salsa-consomme-salsa
Step 3
Once you have the mixture boiling, turn down to low heat and simmer with the pot covered until the chicken softens and cooks thoroughly (approx 50 minutes). Serve it up with some RICE, black beans and tortillas.

pollo-en-salsa-boil-simmer

I’m impressed with your tenacity!
pollo-en-salsa-served-2

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FREAKY FRIED CHICKEN SALAD

July 14, 2014
Who da freak?  You da freak!  And I sure do like it!

Who da freak? You da freak! And I sure do like it!

It’s about that time. What time you ask? It’s certainly not the time to get dull and apologetic. No sir. Put away the penny loafers and break out the rubber gimp suit. Time to act out your freakiest, kinkiest, most debauch fantasies EVER! Feel like covering yourself in honey and letting grizzly bears lick you clean? Go for it! Ever wonder what it would be like to eat a sandwich while banging someone’s brains out? No time like the present? Have you ever fantasized about combining watermelon into a salad? You are one sicko. But I love it! There are no rules here. We’ll designate a safe word in case we go too far into our depravity. That word is “MORE!”

fried chicken salad prepTotal time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: LICK YOUR LIPS MINT JULEP

Ingredients (for 2):
1. 4 handfuls romaine lettuce chopped
2. Ranch dressing (amount is your call)
3. ½ small seedless WATERMELON
4. 1 handful shredded mozzarella
5. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
6. 2 strips or 1 breast FRIED CHICKEN (store bought OK)

Step 1
Slice the fried chicken up. Cut the watermelon meat from the rind and cut into bite-sized pieces.

fried chicken salad chop

Step 2
Toss the lettuce, tomato, watermelon, fried chicken and mozzarella cheese. Throw on a plate and add as much ranch dressing as your heart desires.

fried chicken salad toss

Serve the SALAD up solo or as a compliment to some equally trashy ENTRÉE.

fried chicken salad served 2

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