February 27, 2015

This dessert was NOT approved by the Girl Scouts of America.

Sometimes the way to lure in a hottie is to appeal to their inner fatty. Don’t make a habit out of it or the fatty will take over like the Dark Side took over Darth Vader. But indulging every once in a while, or more than that if you’re like me, is what life is all about. Balance those small doses of decadence with a few hours of calorie-burning screaming orgasms. Burn enough fat and you deserve another round of Thin Mint Fatties. They are delicious, refreshing, and quick to assemble so you’ll be back to the tainted task at hand in no time.

Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $5

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 small container vanilla ice cream
2. Caramel or butterscotch
3. 8 Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies

Step 1
Lay out the Thin Mints. Put a tbsp of vanilla ice cream on each cookie. Heat up the caramel/butterscotch in the microwave or on the stove, and then drizzle a little on half the cookies. Finally press the cookies together like two lovers. Serve them like you mean it!

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February 25, 2015
This waffle party is like the firework grand finale in your mouth.

This waffle party is like the firework grand finale in your mouth.

Celebrate American Independence from those tax-collecting limeys.  Those redcoats just took and took and never bothered to give their colonists a reach around.  King George shouldn’t have been surprised when they stopped sucking him off with a smile.  Perhaps if the British were more inclined to reciprocate with the oral gratification Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, and the rest of their posse wouldn’t object to being colonial fluffers.  But alas, history unfolded and now the yanks are free from British money shots splattering their bespectacled, wig-wearing faces.  If not the taxes and tariffs, chances are the Yankees would have rebelled against the piss poor British cuisine.  So celebrate Independence Day with a distinctly American dessert.  Oh say can you see?

waffle party usa prepTotal time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Champagne

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp powdered sugar
2. ¼ cup heavy whipping cream
3. ½ package STRAWBERRIES
4. 2 frozen waffles
5. ½ tsp vanilla extract
6. 6-OZ dark CHOCOLATE

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Slice the strawberries up, removing the stems.  Place the slices on top of each frozen waffle.  Chop the dark chocolate up into shards and place them on top of the strawberries
waffle party usa cut lay
Step 2
Whisk up some homemade vanilla whipped cream into frothy awesomeness. You can just use canned whipped dream if you are lazy and don’t enjoy it fresh.
waffle party usa whipped cream
Step 3
Throw the waffles into the oven and bake until the chocolate melts (approx 10 min).  Sprinkle powdered sugar over them and crown it all with whipped cream.waffle party usa bake sprinkle

Serve the waffles up like a proper patriot .

waffle party usa served 2

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February 25, 2015
Make sure they’re on their knees begging before serving them what they want.

Make sure they’re on their knees begging before serving them what they want.

They’ll beg and beg and beg.  Let them.  It’s only natural.  They want what you got.  Basic law of supply and demand.  Make like OPEC fixing the price of your commodities.  Make outrageous demands they have no choice but to meet.  It’s not like they can go elsewhere.  Right?  You’re wondering about alternative sources of sexual energy?  Ha!  There is no substitute for the man tested, woman approved real thing.  4 billion years of Earthlings banging can’t be wrong.  So embrace the goods granted to you by God, evolution or your preferred “Where did we come from?” dogma.  Now make them beg long and HARD.  Afterwards, serve them breakfast as a reward for the respect shown.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $8

eggs beg-a-dick prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 3 eggs
2. 1 tsp Dijon mustard
3. 1 dash of CAYENNE PEPPER
4. 1 tbsp butter
5. ½ lemon
6. 1 English muffin
7. 2 bacon strips (turkey & veggie OK)
8. 4 slices of AVOCADO
9. Fresh BASIL leaves

Step 1
Create Hollandaise sauce.  Melt the butter on the lowest heat.  Separate the yolk from one egg and mix it up with Dijon mustard, lemon juice, melted butter and cayenne pepper.  Whisk it up into frothy awesomeness.
eggs beg-a-dick hollandaise
Step 2
Poach the remaining eggs in a thin pan of boiling water, using a spatula to create 2 separate eggs.  Cook until the egg whites cook through, but the yolks remain gooey (approx 4 min).
eggs beg-a-dick poach
Step 3
Fry up the bacon until it’s crispy.
eggs beg-a-dick bacon
Step 4
Toast the English muffin and assemble the Eggs Beg-A-Dick: bacon, poached egg, avocado, hollandaise sauce and top each one off with chopped basil.
eggs beg-a-dick assemble
Serve one up per plate with some SWEET ASS-BROWNS.
eggs beg-a-dick served 2

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February 23, 2015

Grass, Ass, or Cash-ews

Cash money makes our world go around. It’s the international language of “fuck you, I’m rich!” Here at Cook To Bang we like commerce as much as the next perverted food blog. But the whole spirit of CTB comes from the desire to take money out of the dating equation. Food is the great equalizer. Everyone needs to eat. Almost everyone wants to bang. You don’t have to bang your lover on 1000 gold thread count sheets. A sleeping bag over a La-Z-Boy could be just as much fun and certainly more of an athletic feat. Everyone wins when you Cook To Bang. And this CTB take on a classic Chinese dish will win you much props and improper propositions.

Total time: Approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking buddy: Chinese beer like Tsingtao

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tsp sesame oil
2. 1 tbsp oyster sauce
3. 1 tbsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp HONEY
5. 1 tbsp vegetable oil
6. 1/2 tsp cornstarch
7. 1 handful mushrooms sliced thinly
8. 1/2 onion chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful cashews
10. 1 tbsp GINGER finely diced
11. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
12. 2 chicken breasts

Step 1
Mix up the ginger, soy sauce, sesame oil, oyster sauce, and cornstarch in a bowl. Cut the chicken into cubes, smother in the marinade, and allow the flavor to kick in (approx 15-30 min).

Step 2
While the chicken marinates, bring a small pot of water to a boil. Throw in the cashews and boil until they are soft (approx 5 min). Drain and set aside.

Step 3
On medium heat pour vegetable oil in a pan and add the chicken. Cook through (approx 4 min), flipping as necessary and set meat aside.

Step 4
Use the remaining marinade in pan and mixing bowl. Throw the onions and mushrooms in. Cook until the onions get translucent and mushrooms go soft as a Eunuch at a strip club (approx 3 min). Add the cooked chicken, cashews, and 2/3 of the green onions. Heat through (approx 1 min).

Serve up with some tasty RICE, garnishing the remaining green onions.

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February 20, 2015

Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn. Say what? Cook To Bang at your pad would be WAY easier.

Some food makes you go “Yum!” Other food inspires “Yuk!” Every once in a while you’ll do a “Say what?” double take. This is the reaction you want when you Cook to Bang. Otherwise you’re wasting everybody’s time, especially your own. Make an impression or make love to yourself at the end of the date. The only way to inspire (nakedness) is to be inspired yourself. I approach each date with giddiness reserved for teenage girls who spot a vampire heartthrob brooding in his own special emo way. That way “Say what?” reaction to banging cuisine is quickly followed by, “The bedroom is this way.”

Total time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: The beer you didn’t use in batter

Ingredients (serves 6)
1. Vegetable oil
2. Sweet chili sauce
3. 1 cup beer
4. 1/2 cup panko bread crumbs
5. 3/4 cup flour
6. 8 jumbo SHRIMP
7. 1 handful shredded coconut

Step 1
Create the coconut batter by mixing together the flour, panko bread crumbs, shredded coconut, and beer.

Step 2
Fill up a small pot with oil and bring to a boil. Remove the shells from the massive shrimp. Dip the peeled shrimp in the coconut batter, drop the battered shrimp in the oil two at a time, and cook until brown. Use paper towels to dab away the excess oil.

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February 18, 2015
Your D-cups fill out nicely!

Your D-cups fill out nicely!

This dish is stacked!  I mean the cups are full and voluptuous.  Ain’t no flat-chested FINGER FOOD here. No need for implants to help these fill out. The chicken breasts are supple and pouting, not to mention double-D-licious!  I have enjoyed this dish many times in the company of dates at fine Chinese restaurant and not so fine ones that rhyme with PF WANGS.  But only when I made it at home did I realize how simple, tasty, and awesome this dish can be.  Blow you date away with some familiar, but so much better since you made it with your own two hands.  Take a hold of those lettuce D-Cups, caress, fondle and then let your mouth get to work. Read the rest of this entry »


February 16, 2015
oral tatersplosions served

This recipe will self-destruct in 10 seconds…after you bang like a champ!

These potatoes are not unlike Inspector Gadget’s self-destructing mission assignments.  But instead of them blowing up and you get saliva across your face instead of soot.  These bad boys pack a walloping 1-2-3 punch of tasty, decadent flavor.  They are not for the pantywaists concerned about too much flavor overwhelming the subtlety of the evening.  Not on my watch!  Like Inspector Gadget, and really his dog Brain who did everything, I am working with a shadowy government organization seeking to rid the world of flavor.  That is where these potatoes come in.  It’s our secret weapon against those who would remove any remnants of toe-curling pleasure you could eke out of dining.  If we let them win now, who’s to say what they could next. Soon enough they’ll be taking away our love of banging! Glenn Beck should be all up in their tits.  Who’s the real American hero now, crybaby? Read the rest of this entry »


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