October 29, 2014
Rock it all night long, til the break-a-break-a-dawn-let!
The butt crack of dawn will reveal its cruel self after you’ve been up all night dancing the horizontal mambo. But shame mixed with glee over the unspeakable acts of last night will subside when you take control in the kitchen. Sure you are short on sleep and long on orgasms. Your day may be shot being a productive worker bee turning society’s cogs. But don’t give up on today. Those bleary-eyes should see a world full of possibilities and reassessed plans. Get yourself the right nutrients and you can push right on through into the evening, banging all the way. Nothing says, “Good morning, now let’s get back to bed!” like an omelet. It’s got protein, veggies and the challenging flip that will fuel your body so you can break yet even more of God’s laws. Remember that in the name of banging, sometime you have to crack a few eggs.
Total time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (for two):
1. 4 eggs
2. ½ tbsp of olive oil
3. 2 tbsp of milk
4. 2 dashes of salt
5. 2 dashes of black pepper
6. 2 strips of bacon (turkey or veggie OK)
7. ½ a pear sliced thinly
8. 1 handful of chopped mushrooms
9. Thin slices of Brie cheese
Beat the eggs thoroughly in a bowl with the milk, pepper and salt.
Chop up the bacon in small slices and sauté in a pan with the pear and mushroom slices (approx 3 min).
Warm up ½ the olive oil in a small non-stick pan on medium heat. Pour in ½ the egg mixture and cook until it is mostly firmed (approx 2 min). Pour in ½ the sautéed contents and Brie and carefully flip over with a spatula.
Slide immediately onto a plate and move onto round 2…of omelets.
October 27, 2014
“I’m long, and I’m strong, and I’m down to get the friction on!” – Sir Mix-A-Lot
Chicken salad makes most people think of a backyard luncheon on a Sunday afternoon after church. The respectable ladies wear their hats, fan themselves with the hymnal handouts, and nibble on dull chicken salad made with chicken, mayo, and sliced celery. I don’t blame you for dismissing chicken salad as a big old snooze-fest. But what if you substituted Mrs. Anderson’s usual yawn-inducing specialty with the Cook To Bang version turbo-loaded with all things banging? You got yourself a Whitesnake video in the backyard. The ladies will rip holes in their Sunday best, crawl across the foldout tables, and shake their teased hair around as if there’s an oversized fan conveniently blowing. The men, the good reverend included, will headbang and mosh, Jell-O cubes flying everywhere. Careful where you serve this salad! Cook To Bang is no liable for the aftermath.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp mayonnaise
2. 1 tbsp grated Parmesan
3. 1/4 rotisserie chicken
4. 1 small handful sun-dried tomatoes
5. 1 large handful ARTICHOKE hearts
6. Fresh BASIL
First pull off the chicken from the bones and chopped pseudo-finely. Next chop up the artichoke hearts, sun-dried tomato, and basil.
Mix together the chopped chicken, artichoke hearts, sun-dried tomato, basil, grated Parmesan, and mayonnaise.
This salad will get the friction on by it’s lonesome, or will gladly love up a toasted slice of bread or two.
October 24, 2014
Mamacita Carnitas will make you bang like cheetahs
Hey hey Mamacita!
So glad to meet ya!
Come over, I’ll treat ya
So sit and down eat, yah?
Mexican food brings me much joy and comfort. Somehow I don’t feel unique for that. Pretty much every date I’ve served sumptuous South of the border nibbles responds in kind. The hot like a cheetah mamacita just comes out. It’s on at that point with no turning back. You can’t close Pandora’s box of bodacious body bumping. So heed my disclaimer: Unimaginable pleasure will result from whipping these carnitas up. Those with whack taste buds and distaste for debauchery should probably find a new recipe site.
Total time: 25 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking buddy: BANGARITA or a cerveza
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tbsp vegetable or canola oil
2. 2 tbsp brown sugar
3. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
4. 1/2 cup water
5. 2 chicken breasts/ pork butt
6. 1/2 onion chopped finely
7. Corn tortillas
8. 1 orange quartered
9. Cilantro for garnish
10. 1 Serrano CHILI diced
11. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
12. 1 lime quartered
13. Salsa (not pictured, see below)
On medium heat, pour oil into the pan and sautÈ the onion and chili until translucent (approx 2 min). Add the water, brown sugar, and cayenne pepper. Squeeze the orange and limejuice in, throwing the peels into the mix.
Add the chicken breast or pork butt; I used the chicken because it’s healthier, but traditionally you’d use pork. Life is all about choices so your call. Flip the chicken once the bottom cooks through (approx 3 min). Flip back and forth until all the liquid in the pan becomes a glaze (approx 7 min). Use two forks to shred the meat carnitas style!
Lay out the desired tortillas and fill with Mamacita Carnitas. Garnish with avocado and cilantro. Finally throw down some salsa. The ultimate salsa to serve with it is a TOMATILLO SALSA of Chicago chef Paul Kahan in DETAILS MAGAZINE. Words can’t describe how epic its is!
Serve the rest of the carnitas on a platter surrounded by the orange and lime peels. You are that classy!
October 22, 2014
Forgive the food slur and start to purr
Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is not a test of the emergency broadcast center. There will definitely be something wrong with your TV once I unleash the fury. The Chinese have responded to a white man’s attempt at a classic dish. UN resolutions were passed, harsh censures and condemnations issued, apologies accepted that rebuked. Who would have thought me taking a little creative license in the kitchen to try to impress a cute Chinese citizen would cause such international crisis? Granted, homegirl wasn’t impressed for authentic it was not. But tasty it was. Perhaps I can explain that to the lynch mob surrounding my house with pitchforks. Newsflash, douche bags: my head on a platter won’t smooth things over. Only the diplomacy in my pants will do. Now fly me to Beijing!
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer, no substitute
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tsp sugar
2. 2 tbsp sesame chili oil
3. 1 tbsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. ½ tsp cornstarch
6. 1 lb chicken breast cut bite-sized (can substitute beef, pork, shrimp, tofu, etc.)
7. ½ yellow bell pepper cut in strips
8. 1 large/2 small eggplants cut bite-sized
9. 1 small handful cilantro chopped coarsely
10. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
11. Red CHILI peppers for heat
12. 1 small handful GINGER finely chopped
Heat up 1 tbsp chili sesame oil and sauté the ginger (approx 30 sec). Add the chicken, brown it with the ginger (approx 2 min) and remove.
Heat the remaining oil up and sauté the green onion, cilantro, red chilies, bell pepper and eggplant until they soften (approx 3 min). Add the soy sauce, oyster sauce, sugar, and cornstarch. Finally add the chicken and cook it all together (approx 2 min).
Serve up solo or over RICE.
October 17, 2014
Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.
You should know better than to beg. There is clear a disconnect with your mastery of the CTB philosophy. When you serve that special someone amazing food than you won’t have to beg. It is your date who will beg you for more whether that is a second helping of bagel pizzas or another screaming orgasm. Groveling doesn’t suit you. That’s for the people who can’t close the deal in good faith. Be grateful there are chumps out there on their knees looking pathetic and sexually frustrated. They suffer so you don’t have to. Just do the voodoo that you do in the kitchen and the bedroom. This recipe is so fast and impressive that you can’t help but reap the rewards. Reap away, reaper.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 small handfuls of fresh BASIL leaves
2. 2 large handfuls of shredded mozzarella cheese
3. 1 bagel
4. 1 tomato sliced thinly
5. 2 large handfuls of spinach
6. 1 mushroom sliced thinly
7. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly
8. Butter to spread on bagel
Slice the bagel in half. On each side, spread a thin layer of butter, place tomatoes, spinach, avocado, layer of mozzarella, basil leaves, and mushrooms. Pat in all down with your hands so everything bakes in place.
Throw the bagel pizzas in the toaster of oven and toast on medium-dark setting. Remove pizza when the cheese browns. Serve up on a plate with your whole night ahead of you.
October 15, 2014
KA-BOOM! This dish will shake the room.
KA-BOOM! Don’t worry your pretty little head. It’s not North Korea or Russia dropping bombs. This bomb is going off in your mouth and then in your pants. The APHRODISIAC quantities have been quadrupled to ensure you get your based needs met. It’s sort of like napalming an entire jungle to take out one sniper. Overkill? Perhaps. But the job gets done and you get off. This overzealous approach happens to offer banging flavor blasts that should keep you popping, locking and dropping trow. Finally you have a reason to get up out of bed where you have someone slumbering peaceful and naked. Wake them up with a mouthful of eggs and a crotch full of you. KA-BLOOEY!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: A SMOOTHEE OPERATOR or a NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ can BLACK BEANS
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 handful ASPARAGUS spears chopped coarsely
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 1 small handful goat cheese
8. 3 eggs
9. 1 green CHILI chopped coarsely
10. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
Heat up the black beans with one pot. Sauté the asparagus and green chili with the olive oil.
Mix up the eggs up with green onions, salt, and black pepper.
Pour the eggs into the sautéed veggies and scramble. Crumble in the goat cheese so it melts into the eggs. Split the eggs up between 2 plates. Crown the eggs with the black beans and avocado.
Serve up solo or with a side of SALSA.