TAP THAT ASS-PARAGUS SOUP

April 30, 2015
Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Soup’s sex appeal is often underestimated because it’s generally associated with cans of Campbell’s.  Yes it’s functional and generally quite good for you, but ingredients make the difference.  Enter asparagus, an aphrodisiac and natural Viagra.  17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper hailed asparagus for “stir(ring) up lust in man and woman.”  The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm.  So if history, health and sex aren’t motivating factors, consider that it tastes bloody amazing.  Throw in some seafood and you are ready to rock ‘til the break of dawn.  I made this dish the other night for a lady I’m fond of and neither of us was left with blue balls, culinary or otherwise.  Round 1 was shortly followed by Round 2, 3 and on and on.

asparagus-soup-prepIngredients:
1. ½ tablespoon of salt
2. 2 cups of chicken broth
3. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
4. ½ cup of plain yogurt
5. 6 ounces of lump crab meat (fresh or from can)
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. ½ a lemon
8. 1 pound of asparagus (fresh or frozen)
9. Black pepper to taste

Step 1
On medium heat, sauté the chopped onions until they are soft like the heart of your date.  Chop the asparagus into 1inch pieces and then throw into them into the stockpot.  Cook for 3 minutes until the asparagus softens.
asparagus-soup-saute
Step 2
Squeeze the entire lemon half and follow it up with the chicken stock.  Bring it all to a roaring boil. Turn the heat down low and simmer while covered with a lid for 20 minutes.  While you wait you I suggest you make a subtle move, perhaps a warm embrace, or nibble on the ear.  You got plenty of time still.
asparagus-soup-juice-broth
Step 3
Remove the lid.  The asparagus should have bled green into the stock and the vegetables quite soft.  Fully puree the concoction.
asparagus-soup-puree
Step 4
Blend in the yoghurt into the puree so it is mixed evenly.  Throw in all the crab, but mix it with a spoon, do not puree.  You want your date to taste the crab, thus realizing just how classy you are.  Now serve into a bowl and let the night unfold naturally.
asparagus-soup-yoghurt-crab


TRUFFLE SHUFFLE GRILLED CHEESE

April 27, 2015

Avoid getting into scuffles when you truffle shuffe.

While CTB has already done the GRATUITOUS GRILLED CHEESE SINWICH to great fanfare, one gourmet grilled cheese sandwich just isn’t enough. Anyone whose been to a grilled cheese contest can tell you there’ more than one way to melt congealed milk. At the GRILLED CHEESE INVITATIONAL, I learned that there are as many variations on the grilled cheese as positions in the Kama Sutra. Since CTB is not about to make grilled cheese the exclusive format, allow me to present this grilled piece of awesome for your dining pleasure. In the interest of full disclosure, I just got truffle oil and am totally and positively gay for it. A little dab works like a super lube, revving up the sexy time explosions in your mouth. Alas, I applied the glorious oil to a grilled cheese lunch. I took my first bite while standing and nearly lost my footing. Luckily the girl I was cooking for was able to break my fall or I would have knocked over the precious truffle elixir and likely licked it straight off the floor. By the time we gobbled down our sinwiches, we danced a shuffle from the kitchen into the bedroom without bothering to wash our hands first. Read the rest of this entry »


PANTYLESS POACHED PEARS

April 23, 2015

Poof go the panties!

Some desserts inspire you to moan with pleasure. Others make you close your eyes and take in all the flavors. But there are some desserts so damn tasty that your underwear disappears. Meet these Frenchy French poached pears sure to set back the Celebrities Keep Your Panties On Organization a decade. As soon as the herpes harpies like Lindsay, Britney, and Paris take a bite, the upskirt paparazzi patrol will be out in force. My apologies for exposing the world to such villainy. But alas, you can use this dessert as a powerful Hail Mary in your arsenal when your date is resisting your bang campaign. Warning: Side effects will include your underwear vanishing too. Read the rest of this entry »


SMOKE SOME CHICKEN HASH

April 19, 2015
Bacon smoking, hash toking, breakfast choking

Bacon smoking, hash toking, breakfast choking

In honor of 4/20 tomorrow1…you must be exhausted after the third round of morning sex.  I doubt you could bang a forth time if you wanted to.  You are running on an empty tank.  Time to fill you up with super unleaded so your premium sex machine can run all afternoon and into the night.  VROOM VROOOOOOOOM!  Bring on some chicken hash.  This has protein, carbohydrates and enough nutrients to keep you banging like a bunny into next week.  The Nobel Prize winning astrophysicists COOK TO BANG keep on staff, i.e. chained up in my basement and fed leftovers, have been working around the clock to bring you this streamlined breakfast.  Naturally, I am taking credit for their revolutionary findings.  But don’t you think those guys have enough accolades and prize money already?  I’m glad you see it my way.  More hash? Read the rest of this entry »


FORBIDDEN FRUIT SALAD

April 16, 2015
Bear fruit before you bare all

Bear fruit before you bare all

You should know better. This salad is reserved for the harvest Gods.  But you eat it anyway.  Sinner.  Man should not have access to a salad this powerful. The discovery of this recipe is akin to Prometheus giving man fire.  Sure I’ll have to wash a mountain of dishes for all eternity, but knowing you might serve this to a hot date makes it all worth it.  Ye shall reap the glory from this culinary gem heretofore unattainable.  It’s the only ammunition you’ll need for a successful conquest.  The Forbidden Fruit Salad has delivered for me on more than on occasion, sexing up a few dull BREAKFASTS and lunches.  This represents one of my favorite fruit combinations, but I encourage you to try your favorite.  Did I mention this ultra-healthy salad will make certain bodily secretions taste way better? Read the rest of this entry »


MÉNAGE À TOFU TRIANGLES

April 13, 2015
There's room for one more, three's never a crowd.

There's room for one more, three's never a crowd.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have a hard time saying no to a three-way.  Even if that just means three-sided tofu treats, I’m down.  So many good things come in threes.  Comedy gold is done in trifecta.  My favorite nights of carnal connections involved a third party.  Clearly three is company and never a crowd.  And what better way to ignite such an evening of exploration and fornication than with some edible treats?  These tofu triangles are classy, sassy and won’t leave you gassy. Plus you can appeal to the free loving hippie in all of us by serving tofu.  A little curiosity never hurt no one no how! Read the rest of this entry »


SMACK MY BISQUE UP

April 10, 2015
Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows

Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows

You can almost hear the steel drums and kinky Reggae when you slurp this sexy take on a Caribbean classic.  It takes a little work to harness the flavors, but trust me when I say it’s well worth the time (hint hint).  Shrimp mango bisque is both nutritious and loaded with aphrodisiacs that will put you on the path to gratification.  The sweet taste of mango compliments the spices; the shrimp are just begging to soak in the sweet and spicy flavor bursts.  My first encounter with this dish was at Club Med in Turks and Caicos as a child rather clueless as to why the adults danced so closely together after a downing a bowl.  Perversity and ingenuity have since led me to honing the recipe to what you see before you. SMACK MY BISQUE UP has become a reliable go to dish that brings that Caribbean sunshine to my kitchen and bedroom even in the dead of winter.  Go on, make Bob Marley proud! Read the rest of this entry »


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