TURN YOU OUT TURKEY BURGER

July 4, 2015
Turkey turns me on, then turns me out.  Yeow!

Turkey turns ’em on, then turns ’em out. Yeow!

Hamburgers are not normally considered sexy, but they are a damn tasty staple of the American diet.  Turkey meat however is leaner, meaner and greener.   The protein does you right plus there’s less fat and twice the flavor when cooked right.  My thanks go out to the Native Americans for turning the Pilgrims onto this precious bird (sorry about taking your land and all).  The fire charring the meat empowers the caveman in every male chef.  The lady chef or date can enjoy this tasty piece of the American dream and not worry about the dish going straight to her thighs. When you bit into the center and find the goat cheese goodness, a choir of angels with trumpets shall inspire a tryst of the kinkiest order.  I tried a similar dish at a bourgeois New York restaurant priced somewhere upwards of $25.  The bill hurt my wallet, but my palette was well satisfied and my brain full of inspiration.  This summertime dish always leads to good times and enough erotic memories to last me through winter.

turket-burger-prepIngredients (for 2):
1. ½ pound of ground turkey
2. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
3. ¼ onion minced
4. 2 tablespoons of goat cheese
5. 4 mushrooms cut in slivers
6. 2 hamburger buns
7. ½ a tomato chopped into ½ inch rounds
8. ½ and avocado cut in strips

Step 1
First combine the chopped green onions into the turkey meat and separate into thick patties. Hollow out the center and stuff with minced onions and a tablespoon of goat cheese per patty.  Cover the stuffed center with meat and season as you wish.  Salt and pepper should suffice.turket-burger-stuff

Step 2
Throw the prepped turkey patties on the grill (or in a frying pan) and cook thoroughly, flipping once to heat both sides through.  The meat should appear grey with charred black lines.turket-burger-grill

Step 3
While the meat is cooking, sauté the mushrooms with butter or olive oil and salt until they are soft and have absorbed all the moisture.   Toast the hamburger buns if you like.turket-burger-mushrooms

Step 4
Remove the turkey patties from the grill and throw into the hamburger buns, topping them with the grilled mushrooms, tomato and avocado.  Add your preferred condiments: ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, BBQ sauce, etc. and serve on a plate with homemade French fries, a tasty salad from the CTB Leafy and Lovely section, or just complimented by your conversation skills.


RED WHITE AND BEETS

July 3, 2015

American produce, love it or grill it!

America, fuck yeah! Can you feel the patriotism emanating off the computer screen and making your heart beet to the Star Spangled Banner. Even if you aren’t a tea-partying real patriot, you gotta love your country right about now. And if you don’t, God shall smite thee with ten billion pounds of fireworks. In all seriousness folks, I’m not denigrating diversity. But I will be drinking heavily, grilling gleefully, and fornicating under a gun-powdered scented sky. Here’s to a healthy holiday full of American excess. Another beet from the grill?

Total time: Approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking buddy: American made liquor

Ingredients (serves 6)
1. 1 bunch BEETS
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 2 dashes sea salt
4. 1 tbsp goat cheese
5. 1/2 lemon

Step 1
Preheat the grill. Chop off the stems and tips of the beets, then peel away the skin. Chop the beets into 1/2 inch slices. Drizzle the beet slices in olive oil and season with salt.

Step 2
Lay out the beet slices on the grill. Cook one side (approx 10 min) and flip it and cook the other side (approx 5 min). Toss the grilled beets with goat cheese and lemon juice and serve.

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O-FACED OATMEAL

July 1, 2015

When your date says “Oh!” you say “Yeah!”

Oh boy! Oh man! Oh god! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh (to NKTOB groove)! These are just some of the many reactions I have heard to making oatmeal CTB style. We’ve all eaten instant oatmeal, mostly during childhood, although some of us (my friends know who I speak of) still gobble that shit up. But what about the rest of whose taste buds haven’t matured beyond a 6-year-old, their fingers stained with Kool-Aid? Oatmeal can be something other than a bland exercise in self-restraint. But why not have the best of both worlds? Nutrition and flavor can still give each other lap dances with the right amount of TLC. And that’s what this recipe is all about. Here’s to the one sleeping in your bed who’s waking up to a big surprise. Expect them to be smiling like a donut.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: HOTTIE TODDY or SMOKING HOT PEPPERMINT FATTY

Ingredients (Serves 4):
1. 1 cup regular/soy/almond/rice milk
2. 4 tbsp brown sugar
3. 1 cup oats
4. 2 tbsp HONEY
5. 2 bananas sliced thinly
6. 1 handful raisins
7. 1 tbsp butter
8. 1 cinnamon stick
9. 1 cup water (not pictured, you know what water looks like, right?)

Step 1
Combine the water, milk, and cinnamon stick and bring to a boil (approx 2 min). Lower to medium heat, mix in the oats, and cook through until the liquid all absorbs (approx 10 min).

Step 2
While the oatmeal cooks, make the mixture that will take your breakfast from 0-to-banging in nothing flat. Melt the butter in a saucepan on medium-low heat. Mix in the honey and brown sugar to make syrup. Add the raisins and bananas and cook slowly until oatmeal is ready. Pour in the magic and off you go!

These spoonfuls of heaven are pretty filling, but if you must eat something else, fresh fruit and a TANGY BANGY SHRIMP SCRAMBLE.

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GRATUITOUS GRILLED CHEESE SINWICH

June 29, 2015

Childhood classic never tasted so innapropriately scrumptious

THis childhood classic never tasted so inappropriately scrumptious

Do you still think of grilled cheese sandwiches as a slice of American cheese thrown between two slices of Wonder Bread?  The grilled cheese has come a long way and wants it’s day in court to appeal.  Be an honorable judge and listen to the cheese plead its case as it melts on your tongue, accompanied by evidence in the form of tomato, avocado and cilantro.  Only a cruel monster lacking in taste bud ethics could throw the book at a sandwich so deviously divine.  I found this extreme makeover on a childhood classic to be an effective weekend lunch date meal.  Grill these babies up, pop in a movie, pretend to yawn and throw your arm around your date.  If your game is strong, the vibe is on, than you should be knocking boots ‘til the break of dawn. Read the rest of this entry »


CHICKEN OUT YOUR (BEER) CANS

June 26, 2015
Beer Can Chicken got a whole lot easier.

Beer Can Chicken got a whole lot easier.

Behold: simplified beer can chicken for 2.  Sure you could go the badass route of stuffing a whole chicken with a leaking beer can, but that is both labor intensive and way too much food.  This little ditty is perfect for a summer evening date outdoors.  The object is to stay outside for the course of the evening.  That means banging under the stars. Make like your primitive ancestors who never heard of the concept of shame or waiting until marriage.  For those hairy bastards it was all banging all the time.  Use the beer marinade as an excuse for your barbaric behavior.  “It was the booze flavored meat that made me strip down to a fur loincloth, club you and drag you by the hair into my cave!” Read the rest of this entry »


ELVIS LIVES (TO BANG) SMOOTHEE

June 24, 2015

Elvis has left the building…with your girl

The King is back. Elvis had the right idea with his clever combination of peanut butter, honey, and bananas. A little gold lame and you will be styling even posthumously. You can be the King of your kitchen when you start your morning out with a glass of burning love. Be the hound dog who gets all shook up in the sack, while avoiding singing in some jail with backup dancers in striped prison suits. This smoothee was made on a whim when I had fuck all for ingredients and was ravenous and parched from exhausting morning sex. Simple, fast, effective. The only thing lacking was a throng of screaming girls. Technically there was only one girl screaming my name. But Elvis wasn’t the King overnight so give me time. Read the rest of this entry »


LOX BREAKFAST BRAIN SCRAMBLE

June 22, 2015

Lox me up, because otherwide, I'd break these chains and ravage anything in my sight.

With Valentines Day creeping in like a ninja assassin, you better be ready with you’re A-game if you are seeing someone you like. It’s make or break time that will define where this relationship of yours will progress towards. If you don’t like them all that much, might I suggest a vacation far far away. You don’t want to be anywhere near town with a clinger you’re about to retire. But those of you lucky enough to have that one person you would gladly Cook To Bang every night, you need to start Valentine’s Day off right. There are few better approaches than breakfast in bed. Cliche it may be, but effective at not only dropping panties, but also keeping them off for long gaps of time it is. This fancy scramble from the future us perfect for sending the message that, ìNot only do I enjoy banging you, but also listening to you talk while we eat breakfast together.î If that is not true love, I weep for the future. Read the rest of this entry »


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