September 1, 2010
Summer rolling with the homies
Summertime calls for lighter fare so we can hone our buns, abs and groins of steel. Gone are the big coats that hide our blubbery bits. If you want to bang you gotta look bangable. So it’s time to put the dairy and beef products aside and get healthy. Vegan food can be boring if you let it. But how many obese vegans do you know? My advice is to embrace the Asian fusion hippie party time. Be sure your date notices how cultured and sensitive you are. Play it off like you’ve gone green, instead of just greedy for more banging. If you want to roll in the hay, you better start rolling. Read the rest of this entry »
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APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, aphrodisiac, asian, french, fusion, healthy, vegan, vegetarian, vietnamese | Tagged: bang, asian, vegan, delicious, lime, yummy, healthy, sex, recipe, easy, naked, kitchen, gourmet, aphrodisiac, food, homemade, tasty, get laid, game changer, intercourse, guarantee, mushrooms, vegetarian, DIY, flavorful, mint, fusion, tofu, seduce, spring rolls, banging, shredded coconut, libido, tofu summer rolls recipe, summer rolls, Vietnam, Asia, vietnamese, East, orient, roll in the hay, rice paper wraps, ginger onion | 
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Posted by cooktobang
August 30, 2010
That no good tart tastes too good
What a filthy, no good tart! Strutting itself around unpeeled and sweet to a fault. You’d think this tart would have more manners being of European stock. But clearly all it wants to do is lay about and put itself in any mouth it can find. No doubt, this apple has fallen very far from the tree. But I suppose you think I should just cut it some slack, right? Just let it go while it tarts around on any available plate, being passed around like a marijuana joint at some hippie love orgy? I say hell no! The only solution I have is to cool its jets. I’ll use the only thing I have in my arsenal. Ice cream! That’ll teach it to be so sweet, seductive and bad for me. Just to prove to you I am the bigger man, I’ll take one bite to show the rest of you how to be disciplined. See? One bite and I can say no…all right two bites. Three. Screw it! I’m taking the rest of the tart into my bedroom. But I’m not going to enjoy it! Seriously. I’m eating the rest for it’s own good. Let that be a lesson to the rest of you! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, french, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, delicious, dessert, sugar, a la mode, ice cream, yummy, sex, recipe, easy, naked, kitchen, gourmet, sweet, homemade, tasty, get laid, game changer, intercourse, France, butter, kinky, guarantee, DIY, flavor, french, sugary, seduce, Tart tartin recipe, tawdry tart tartin, apple pie, caramelized apples, European, yellow apples, pastry puff, slut, orgy, marijuana joint, tree, addictive | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 27, 2010
Mango popsicles = bango possibilities
Mango, ginger, frozen phallus: these are a few of my favorite things. Nothing is so suggestive as tasty-as-fuck frozen APHRODISIACS you can hand feed your date. Fear not, for you will be able to follow it up with a warmer addition to their mouth. But first you need to cool them down after a no doubt hot hot main meal. Your culinary and conversation skills keyed your company up for all sorts of nasty post-meal activities. But first take a moment to get them cool and relaxed before you bring the heat. Cool enough? Now bring it, bring it! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, aphrodisiac, fusion, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: SEDUCTION, bang, ginger, vegan, delicious, spicy, dessert, honey, yummy, sex, recipe, easy, naked, kitchen, gourmet, aphrodisiac, food, sweet, homemade, tasty, get laid, game changer, intercourse, guarantee, popsicle, vegetarian, DIY, cold, frozen, fresh, seduce, banging, mango chunks, libido, boil, mango ginger popsicle recipe, bango that ginger pornsicle, warmer, sweet tempation, light syrup, freeze | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 25, 2010
I challenge even the healthiest crackpot ninny out there to call this dish fattening. What you are looking at it is a plate turbo-charged with nutritional awesomeness. Do not let that sway you from indulging in this delightful treat. Eating this uber-healthy dish is similar to sex: it feels good, yet is actually great for you. The same can’t be said about crack cocaine or reality television. Those vices are fun until you find yourself living in an alley mimicking the Hiltons, Hogans or Kardashians. My advice is to stick to kale steaming and orgasm screaming. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, healthy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: SEDUCTION, bang, delicious, yummy, healthy, salad, sex, recipe, easy, naked, kitchen, gourmet, lemon, food, homemade, veggies, tasty, get laid, game changer, intercourse, guarantee, orgasm, DIY, sesame seeds, seduce, fiber, nutritious, banging, roughage, libido, steamed sesame kale recipe, steamed, inhale the kale recipe, Hilton, Hogan, kardashian, ninny, crackpot, reality television, crack cocaine, kale | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 23, 2010
You're a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!
Hear that high-pitched sound not unlike a champagne glass shattering against the wall? That’s a million hearts being broken by this ass-gettin’ APHRODISIAC appetizer. The hook is that it’s baked, not deep-fried, keeping those asses slimmer and more inclined to get down later. Don’t wallow in bloated oily malaise. Bake those hearts before you break more hearts. I figured this out when I brought a platter for a baseball playoff party. The diehard Dodger fans were crushed by the loss to the Phillies, but they took solace with my healthy-ish finger food. One particularly devastated, but delicious female fan got an extra dose of comforting by the chef. Soon her sorrow over her team’s seasonal demise was overshadowed by the fact I didn’t call her again. I still feel bad, but my calendar is jam-packed for the next month with more hearts to break. Next! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, artichoke, artichoke heartbreakers recipe, baked, baked artichoke hearts, bang, banging, baseball, breadcrumbs, breaded artichoke hearts, champagne, comfort, cooking spray, delicious, DIY, dodgers, easy, egg, fans, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, flour, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mayonnaise, mlb, naked, not fried, parmesan, phillies, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sun dried tomato, sun-dried tomato aioli, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 20, 2010
You won't need Fedex with this Russian Mail Order Bride
Olga came in a box, bubble-wrapped like a porcelain doll, holes punched into it so she could breathe. The shady website I bought her off of had to be translated by my sketchy coworker Sergei. I was $60 lighter, but now I had someone living in my house who did everything I pleased. And we’re not just talking washing dishes after one of my cooking frenzies! What made it all worth it, besides the commie sex of course, was that she had a white Russian prepared for me as soon as I came home from work. To this day, I have never found anyone who could make the drink half as well as my little Olga. What happened to her you ask? Turns out it was all a scam so she could steal my identity and my collection of baseball cards. I don’t even think Olga was her real name. Those rascally Russians! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | RECIPES, libation lubrication, russian | Tagged: alcohol, bang, banging, baseball cards, beverage, booze, commie, delicious, direct, DIY, drinks, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, ice, identity theft, intercourse, Kahlua, kitchen, libation lubrication, libido, mail order bride, milk, naked, Olga, online, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, Sergie, sex, soviet, tasty, vodka, White Russian recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 18, 2010
The Chinese have given us so much: taoism, kung fu and food fusion.
This SALAD is so goddamn precocious. It thinks it can get away with anything because it is so nutritious and low fat. I turned my back for a second and it had already invited all its buddies over to my place for a salad tossing party. Don’t mistake me for some prude. I do a website called Cook To Bang after all. But these salads got buck wild under my roof. They drank all my booze, wore all my favorite clothes and one them took a joyride in my car. If you see a CHARRED OCTOPUSSY SALAD driving a Volvo be sure to tell it to return my wheels. But in spite of all the annoyance, I have such a soft spot for Chinese Chicken Salad that I’ll let it go. Not sure I could say the same for the COBB & BALLS SALAD. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, aphrodisiac, asian, fusion, healthy, poultry | Tagged: SEDUCTION, bang, carrot, ginger, delicious, honey, yummy, salad, sex, recipe, easy, naked, kitchen, gourmet, aphrodisiac, food, homemade, tasty, soy sauce, get laid, game changer, intercourse, guarantee, DIY, sesame, Chinese, chicken breast, low fat, seduce, greens, nutritious, banging, roughage, libido, pan-steam, red cabbage, Cheeky Chinese chicken salad recipe, Asian chicken salad recipe, china, salad tossing, toss my salad, salad party, Volvo, water chestnuts, mandarin oranges, green cabbage | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 16, 2010
- Only sexy monkeys deserve to taste these bananas
The South will rise again…in your mouth. I do declare! This outstanding Southern Cuisine classic is a sure fire way of impressing even that skeptical date who sneered at the 4-course meal you’ve already served. Your caveman instinct will kick in like a racehorse back-kick to the cranium the moment you combine fire and food. Putting an amazing dessert on fire is like thunking a cave-babe over the head with a club and dragging her into the cave (works on cave-dudes too). The bananas sweet crispy outside gives way to a hot creamy center that is begging for some culinary cunnilingus. The extra Foster sauce works like a much-need lube that allows you to navigate the sweet and rummy flavors. And you can always cool it all down with dip in the melting ice cream pool. Prepare to have your mind and possibly something else blown.
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Leave a Comment » | RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: banana, bananas, Bananas Foster, bang, bicardi mount gay, brown sugar, Cajun, captain morgans, dark rum, delicious, dessert, easy, fire, flambé, foster, fuego, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, ice cream, intercourse, Kahlua, kitchen, naked, New Orleans, romance, rum, SEDUCTION, sex, southern, sweet, vanilla, vanilla ice cream | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 12, 2010
You say Menudo, I say Backstreet Boys, Serve them up at 98 Degrees
What’s the first thing you think of when I say MENUDO? You probably are thinking about a crappy Latin boy band from the 80’s. This is truly unfortunate. You are letting outdated pop culture byproducts cloud your judgment. Let me educate you unfortunate souls on menudo mix. This simple Mexican blend of herbs and spices (oregano, crushed red pepper flakes, onion powder, cumin, and onion powder) can take some dishes from bueno to AY CARUMBA! Like Ricky Martin’s career, this is certainly the case with this dish. Shrimp have the glorious ability to absorb almost any flavor into its awesome texture. Keep them in their shells and you will have flavor to spare. You just have to bring the same amount of flare into the bedroom as Menudo brought on stage for the millions of 80’s teenage girls in their neon leggings and jelly shoes. I have faith in you. So next time you think about Menudo, eat without prejudice. Read the rest of this entry »
7 Comments | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, RECIPES, aphrodisiac, healthy, mexican, seafood, spicy | Tagged: 80’s, Antoine, aphrodisiac, atkins, bang, boy band, cumin, delicious, DIY, easy, flavor, game changer, get laid, gourmet, Grilled shrimp recipe, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jelly shoes, kitchen, leggings, lemon, menudo mix, menudo shrimp recipe, mexican, mexico, naked, neon, olive oil, onion powder, oregano, recipe, red pepper, Ricky martin, salt, seafood, seduce, sex, shrimp, south beach diet, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 10, 2010
Let's play a little game called Just the Stuffed Mushroom Tip.
That’s how it all starts. An innocent maiden voyage evolves into an exploration deep into the unknown. Justify it any way you want to. We can pretend it’s a game. Start with the tip and see how it feels. If it’s no bueno, fair enough. But then again, we’ve already gone this far. What’s a few more steps into the abyss? I mean the collateral damage has already been sustained. So why not enjoy it for what it’s worth? We can write it off as youthful indiscretion. An official OOPSIE! Let’s blame the extra bottle of wine. We both should have known better. But we’re all adults and mature enough to move on. I’m glad we had this discussion. I feel better. Don’t you? Oh by the way, have you tried these killer stuffed mushrooms? Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, aphrodisiac, french, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bacon, baked, bang, breadcrumbs, brie cheese, collateral damage, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, finger food, food, fungus, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, honey, hors d'oeuvres, intercourse, just the tip in, kitchen, maiden voyage, mushroom, naked, oopsie, passed appetizer, quick, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, simple, spinach, Spinach bacon stuffed mushroom caps recipe, stuffed mushrooms, tasty, youthful indiscretion, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
