February 25, 2015
This waffle party is like the firework grand finale in your mouth.
Celebrate American Independence from those tax-collecting limeys. Those redcoats just took and took and never bothered to give their colonists a reach around. King George shouldn’t have been surprised when they stopped sucking him off with a smile. Perhaps if the British were more inclined to reciprocate with the oral gratification Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, and the rest of their posse wouldn’t object to being colonial fluffers. But alas, history unfolded and now the yanks are free from British money shots splattering their bespectacled, wig-wearing faces. If not the taxes and tariffs, chances are the Yankees would have rebelled against the piss poor British cuisine. So celebrate Independence Day with a distinctly American dessert. Oh say can you see?
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Champagne
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp powdered sugar
2. ¼ cup heavy whipping cream
3. ½ package STRAWBERRIES
4. 2 frozen waffles
5. ½ tsp vanilla extract
6. 6-OZ dark CHOCOLATE
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Slice the strawberries up, removing the stems. Place the slices on top of each frozen waffle. Chop the dark chocolate up into shards and place them on top of the strawberries
Whisk up some homemade vanilla whipped cream into frothy awesomeness. You can just use canned whipped dream if you are lazy and don’t enjoy it fresh.
Throw the waffles into the oven and bake until the chocolate melts (approx 10 min). Sprinkle powdered sugar over them and crown it all with whipped cream.
Serve the waffles up like a proper patriot .
February 25, 2015
Make sure they’re on their knees begging before serving them what they want.
They’ll beg and beg and beg. Let them. It’s only natural. They want what you got. Basic law of supply and demand. Make like OPEC fixing the price of your commodities. Make outrageous demands they have no choice but to meet. It’s not like they can go elsewhere. Right? You’re wondering about alternative sources of sexual energy? Ha! There is no substitute for the man tested, woman approved real thing. 4 billion years of Earthlings banging can’t be wrong. So embrace the goods granted to you by God, evolution or your preferred “Where did we come from?” dogma. Now make them beg long and HARD. Afterwards, serve them breakfast as a reward for the respect shown.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 3 eggs
2. 1 tsp Dijon mustard
3. 1 dash of CAYENNE PEPPER
4. 1 tbsp butter
5. ½ lemon
6. 1 English muffin
7. 2 bacon strips (turkey & veggie OK)
8. 4 slices of AVOCADO
9. Fresh BASIL leaves
Create Hollandaise sauce. Melt the butter on the lowest heat. Separate the yolk from one egg and mix it up with Dijon mustard, lemon juice, melted butter and cayenne pepper. Whisk it up into frothy awesomeness.
Poach the remaining eggs in a thin pan of boiling water, using a spatula to create 2 separate eggs. Cook until the egg whites cook through, but the yolks remain gooey (approx 4 min).
Fry up the bacon until it’s crispy.
Toast the English muffin and assemble the Eggs Beg-A-Dick: bacon, poached egg, avocado, hollandaise sauce and top each one off with chopped basil.
Serve one up per plate with some SWEET ASS-BROWNS.
February 23, 2015
Grass, Ass, or Cash-ews
Cash money makes our world go around. It’s the international language of “fuck you, I’m rich!” Here at Cook To Bang we like commerce as much as the next perverted food blog. But the whole spirit of CTB comes from the desire to take money out of the dating equation. Food is the great equalizer. Everyone needs to eat. Almost everyone wants to bang. You don’t have to bang your lover on 1000 gold thread count sheets. A sleeping bag over a La-Z-Boy could be just as much fun and certainly more of an athletic feat. Everyone wins when you Cook To Bang. And this CTB take on a classic Chinese dish will win you much props and improper propositions.
Total time: Approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking buddy: Chinese beer like Tsingtao
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tsp sesame oil
2. 1 tbsp oyster sauce
3. 1 tbsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp HONEY
5. 1 tbsp vegetable oil
6. 1/2 tsp cornstarch
7. 1 handful mushrooms sliced thinly
8. 1/2 onion chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful cashews
10. 1 tbsp GINGER finely diced
11. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
12. 2 chicken breasts
Mix up the ginger, soy sauce, sesame oil, oyster sauce, and cornstarch in a bowl. Cut the chicken into cubes, smother in the marinade, and allow the flavor to kick in (approx 15-30 min).
While the chicken marinates, bring a small pot of water to a boil. Throw in the cashews and boil until they are soft (approx 5 min). Drain and set aside.
On medium heat pour vegetable oil in a pan and add the chicken. Cook through (approx 4 min), flipping as necessary and set meat aside.
Use the remaining marinade in pan and mixing bowl. Throw the onions and mushrooms in. Cook until the onions get translucent and mushrooms go soft as a Eunuch at a strip club (approx 3 min). Add the cooked chicken, cashews, and 2/3 of the green onions. Heat through (approx 1 min).
Serve up with some tasty RICE, garnishing the remaining green onions.
February 18, 2015
Your D-cups fill out nicely!
This dish is stacked! I mean the cups are full and voluptuous. Ain’t no flat-chested FINGER FOOD here. No need for implants to help these fill out. The chicken breasts are supple and pouting, not to mention double-D-licious! I have enjoyed this dish many times in the company of dates at fine Chinese restaurant and not so fine ones that rhyme with PF WANGS. But only when I made it at home did I realize how simple, tasty, and awesome this dish can be. Blow you date away with some familiar, but so much better since you made it with your own two hands. Take a hold of those lettuce D-Cups, caress, fondle and then let your mouth get to work. Read the rest of this entry »
February 16, 2015
This recipe will self-destruct in 10 seconds…after you bang like a champ!
These potatoes are not unlike Inspector Gadget’s self-destructing mission assignments. But instead of them blowing up and you get saliva across your face instead of soot. These bad boys pack a walloping 1-2-3 punch of tasty, decadent flavor. They are not for the pantywaists concerned about too much flavor overwhelming the subtlety of the evening. Not on my watch! Like Inspector Gadget, and really his dog Brain who did everything, I am working with a shadowy government organization seeking to rid the world of flavor. That is where these potatoes come in. It’s our secret weapon against those who would remove any remnants of toe-curling pleasure you could eke out of dining. If we let them win now, who’s to say what they could next. Soon enough they’ll be taking away our love of banging! Glenn Beck should be all up in their tits. Who’s the real American hero now, crybaby? Read the rest of this entry »