January 28, 2015
I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say, “Well, Hello! Portobello Tacos.”
Well, hello there! Haven’t seen you around. I would have noticed someone as fine as you. What inspired you to come to my little part of the world? No shit! You came to see me? You want me to cook to bang you? Fair enough. It’s just that I’m usually the one pursuing dates. Nothing wrong with someone aggressive that knows what they want. If it’s me you want, so be it. Wait, you’re vegan? Why? Never mind. It won’t be a problem. So how about some Portobello mushroom tacos? Glad you enjoyed them. Shall we retire to the bedroom now? Thanks for stopping by.
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp tomato paste
2. SALSA to taste
3. ½ tbsp vegetable oil
4. ½ onion
5. 1 Portobello mushroom
6. 1 small handful of cilantro
7. 4 small tortillas
8. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
9. 1 CHILI PEPPER
10. 1 handful of shredded lettuce
11. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
Chop the onion and chili pepper coarsely and combine them with the cilantro and tomato paste and puree it all.
Cut the Portobello mushroom in long thin strips, marinate them with the puree (approx 15 min), and then stir-fry them with the vegetable oil (approx 5 min).
Wrap up the tortillas with foil and heat them up in the oven (approx 5 min). Fill each tortilla with the Portobello stir-fry, lettuce, tomato and avocado. Serve them up with SIMPLY SEXY SALSA.
January 26, 2015
Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!
There are a lot of slutty fish out there. The puffer fish for one has been known to service just about anything aquatic with a pulse. But no fish is quite so whorish as the mahi mahi. Known to some as the dolphin fish, mahi mahi takes after their sex-crazed mammal namesake. Dolphins are known to attempt banging humans, but dolphin fish manage to pull it off and usually on camera for a couple of fish. I can imagine the Animal Planet viewers reading this believe I am making this up. To these naysayers I warn, “Enter the water at your own peril…or pleasure.” Getting molested by a large fish isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. First, you risk drowning long before you reach orgasm. Second, you can be sure the dolphin fish will never call you again. Don’t buy that it’s because fish don’t own phones. The bastard could certainly borrow a phone from a fisherman or something. But in spite of the slut factor of mahi mahi, they taste mighty fine. Mahi mahi doesn’t require much prep time so there’s no need to wait like you would for some tease to put out until date 3. Throw in some sautéed veggies, PAPAYA SALSA and avocado and your date will take on the trampy qualities so beloved in the Naughty Mahi.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $14
Drinking Buddy: White wine or SANGRIA
1. 1 teaspoon of salt
2. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
3. 1 red bell pepper cut into long thin strips
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. ½ a lime worth of juice
6. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
7. 1 onion cut into long thin strips
8. 2 6-8 ounce MAHI MAHI filets
9. 1 small piece of GINGER
10. 2 garlic cloves minced
11. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly
12. 2 tablespoons of WHO’S PAPAYA SALSA? (not pictured)
Peel the ginger, dice it finely and then add it to a mixing bowl with the garlic. Place the mahi mahi filets in the bowl and pour in limejuice, 1 tablespoon of olive oil, salt and black pepper. Mix it up and allow the marinade to absorb into the fish.
Heat up the remaining tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium heat. Sauté the onions and bell peppers strips (approx 3 minutes). Throw in the tomato and cook them until they soften and stew (approx 4 minutes). Serve up the veggies on plates as a bed.
Use the same pan you used to sauté the veggies to sauté the fish filets. Cook each side until they become white and brown a little. Serve them up on the veggie bed, and then crown each with a tablespoon of PAPAYA SALSA and slices of avocado.
January 23, 2015
You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!
Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party? Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red? Bruschetta to the rescue! It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing. Did I mention how simple it is to prepare? You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing. Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet. Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point. Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants. Abra-bang-dabra!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings. Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice. Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
January 20, 2015
Lights, camera, hardcore action!
Winter vegetables are way kinkier than anyone credits them for. It’s sort of like the meek librarian who sluts it up in Vegas or the mild-mannered accountant that spends his lunch hour at a dominatrix dungeon. There’s always something sinful underneath the surface. Sometimes you just gotta dig a little. You dig? That is what I learned when I threw a little get together for my winter veggie friends. We all had a few drinks, noshed on some shrooms, and then played some Al Green. What happened next was straight out of a bad 70’s porno. The radish made cad remarks to the broccoli about her fine looking stalk and then broke out some aphrodisiacs they used as sex toys. Once things got saucy there was nothing I could do but grab the camera like a good porn director would. Fingers crossed that my little veggie porn wins at the 2010 AVN Awards for best Group Sex and/or Midget Felatio Film.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Cabernet
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 tbsp OYSTER sauce (substitute w/ soy sauce to make vegan)
3. 2 tbsp sesame oil
4. 1 white radish
5. 1 head broccoli
6. 2 tbsp GINGER finely chopped
7. 1 tbsp BASIL finely chopped
8. 1/2 package mushrooms sliced thinly
First rinse the white radishes, chop up the stems, and slice radish rounds thinly. Wash the broccoli, chop the ends of the stock away so the trees break apart, and chop up the broccoli leaves if you have them.
Heat up the sesame oil in the pan on medium heat. Saute the ginger (approx 1 min). Lay the radish evenly around the pan, adding the basil and salt, cooking until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the broccoli, broccoli leaves, radish stems, and mushrooms. Stir-fry away once you add the oyster sauce until the leaves wilt and broccoli softens (approx 4 min).
This stir-fry is a perfect solo act, but would do nicely with something CARBOLUSCIOUS.
January 19, 2015
A great man had a dream of equality for all. His dream of race relations improving and opportunities open to all was noble and superhuman. The fact Martin Luther King, Jr. helped usher in a better world is beyond question. But don’t worry; here at Cook To Bang we aren’t kidding ourselves comparing the culinary seduction movement to the civil rights era. It is however a civil right to cook and bang freely. So I thank all those who came before that made this hedonism possible. See I had a dream too. My dream did not consist of me speaking to a crowd 100,000 deep at the Washington Memorial. I dreamt that my younger self and those similarly clueless would figure out that they did not have to go home alone while D-bags that look like extras from the Jersey Shore bang the beautiful. In this unfathomable dream, average guys and girls like me could use their charm and skills in the kitchen to enable us to show off our skills in the bedroom. Would MLK be proud with his love of collard greens? I’d like to think yes he would be. History will be the ultimate decider.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: All depends on what you serve with it
Ingredients (Serves 4):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 can chicken stock
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. ½ red onion chopped finely
6. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
7. 1 tbsp crushed red CHILI flakes
8. 1 bunch collard greens
First wash the collard greens, chop off the stocks, and then stack the greens and chop every inch.
On medium heat, sautÈ the garlic and red onions with olive oil, spicing it with the chili flakes, salt and black pepper (approx 5 min). Add the collard greens and cook in the flavor (approx 3 min).
Turn the heat up high, add the chicken broth, and bring to a boil while covered (approx 5 min). Remove the top, put the heat down low and slowly cook out the broth so you have moist veggies (approx 20 min).
Serve it with your favorite Southern style ENTREE.
January 9, 2015
He will massage your mornings and satiate your soul.
Your mornings will never be the same once Mr. Morning Magic Hour takes control. He is sure to wow and might even sing opera classics if you ask nicely. The date you hosted is catching up on asleep after an exhausting night of physical activity. You wore ‘em out being incendiary in the sack. Your plan is to keep it going all afternoon and into the evening, but you both need fuel for that triumph. So bring the delectable lunatic lothario out of retirement and serve him up on a plate. Sure you could serve the same ingredients on a plate without the face, but why? You might as well become a eunuch and expire watching CSPAN. Bring some flare back to breakfast and let Mr. Magic out of his cage. AVE MARIA!!! Read the rest of this entry »