November 27, 2015
Be thankful for your bountiful bevvy of beauties

Be thankful for your bountiful bevvy of beauties

The Thanksgiving is hangover on  now.  You’re probably stumbling through your family’s home plastered on eggnog and convincing only the dog that your life is on track.  At least the turkey was good, right?   Turkey can keep the Thanksgiving spirit alive with that sexy someone.  Hopefully you’ll be able to convince them that you are in fact close with your family and show signs of taming.  If all goes to plan, your hedonistic instincts should be masked until after its too late for them to turn back. This is comfort food at its sexiest.  The goat cheese cranberry sauce becomes a sexy time explosion in your mouth, while the crisp lettuce, tart tomato, buttery avocado, and crunchy bread gets your knees knocking boots.  Your family will be happy to know that the food they made with such love and care is now getting you laid.  Who says COOK TO BANG doesn’t encourage family values?

thanksgiving-sandwich-prepIngredients (for 2 sinwiches):
1. 4 slices of hearty bread like wheat, grain or sourdough
2. leftover, fresh or canned cranberry sauce
3. ½ tablespoon of mayonnaise
4. ½ pound of sliced turkey
5. 2 handfuls of chopped lettuce
6. ½ an avocado
7. 1 tomato sliced into ¼ thick slices
8. 2 tablespoons of goat cheese

Step 1
Sprinkle chunks of goat cheese on one of the slices.  Spread the leftover cranberry sauce made by your favorite relative over the bread.  Throw it all in the toaster and cook to medium-brown.  You’re rock steady when the bread browns and the goat has melted into the cranberry sauce.
Step 2
Spread a thin layer of mayonnaise on the dry slice of bread.  Place the lettuce, tomato and avocado on it.  Turn the cold turkey out onto the cran-cheese side of the bread.  Then press the holiday side with the everyday life sandwich side and you have lift off.  Drink it down with some naughty eggnog or some wicked hot chocolate.



November 26, 2015

Bang that turkey until it's goes gobble gobble gobble!

It’s time for the orphan round up!  Many young professional go-getters moved far away from home to chase down a dream…and then bang it senseless. For us, going “home”, that place we grew up where our families and oldest friends are, is an impossibility.  For most, it’s a matter of cash, or lack there of (too much cash spent drinking and chasing tail).  It could be a matter of time (I’d rather drink), distance (That far for 4 days?!), or annoyance (If I hear dad ask me to explain my job one more time…).  Whatever the case may be, you are sticking around for a stay-cation and will be attending a Friends Thanksgiving.  What a perfect time to get banged by Little Orphan Annie or Andy!

Now’s the time to pounce on that someone you’ve had your eye on, or one your eye spots this evening.  Lonely and single people eating and drinking together is a recipe for magical mistakes. Everyone there including you will be missing your families and seeking comfort. Who are you to deny a holiday hottie the warmth of your bed?  You have so much to be thankful for.  Show some gratitude by cooking to bang this holiday season. Read the rest of this entry »


November 25, 2015

I’ll be humping and pumpkin out pies all night long!

Bangsgiving is upon us!  It’s time to prepare yourself for a night of indulgence.  While the family-values singles makes their way home to justify to their families why they aren’t married with kids yet, there is a large sect of the dating population that ain’t going nowhere. Friends Thanksgivings are a time for those of us “orphans” too poor, lazy or unwilling to make the trek to see our disapproving families.  These are perfect times for the savvy and horny people to eat, drink and make merry mistakes.  There are usually a few hotties missing their folks back home who will need some comforting.  That’s where you come in! Blow their mind with a pumpkin pie bolder and sexier (aphrodisiac triple-threat) than even Aunt Sue-Ellen’s prized pie of ‘07.  Once they’ve tasted a sweet piece of heaven, they will go for seconds…of you.

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Fermented turkey gravy or NAUGHTY EGGNOG

Ingredients (creates 2 pies):
1. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
2. 20-OZ condensed milk
3. ½ tsp salt
4. 1/3 cup HONEY
5. 1 cinnamon stick
6. 1 tsp vanilla extract
7. 1 tsp ground nutmeg
8. 4 eggs
9. 1 pie pumpkin
10. ½ cup brown sugar
11. 2 pie crusts (room temperature)
12. 1 tbsp fresh GINGER finely chopped
13. 1 tbsp unsalted butter

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 425°F/220°C.  Slice the pumpkin in half, scoop out the innards, steam until the pumpkin meat can easily be pierced (approx 15 min), and then scoop the gunk out of the shell.

Step 2
Add the ginger to the pumpkin gunk and puree.  Add the brown sugar, butter, honey, vanilla extract, nutmeg, condensed milk, salt and eggs and puree like a champ.

Step 3
Form the pie crust to your pie pan. Ladle in the pie filling, leaving room at the top.  Stick the cinnamon stick in the middle of the pie in the dough so it stands at attention as if being aroused.

Step 4
Bake for 10 minutes, remove from the oven and scatter the pine nuts over the top.  Turn the heat down to 350°F/175°C and throw the pie back into oven, baking until the top browns and you can push a bread knife into the pie and it comes out clean (approx 45-55 min).

Serve the pie up with whipped cream, ice cream or solo.  You’re that good!

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November 24, 2015

I cream, you cream, we all cream from my filthy food dreams!

I suggest bringing a change of underwear for this one.  Decadent doesn’t begin to describe this supernova of creaminess found in this holiday side dish.  Don’t feel too embarrassed by your “accident” while eating Cook To Bang style creamed spinach.  Chances are everyone else you serve it to will also lose control of their sexual organs and cream in a symphony of sensuality. Expect a flavor orgy.  The Thanksgiving may well be swept right off the table as your Friends Thanksgiving turns into a Friends With Benefits Thanksgiving.  If you are looking for a more muted, PG-rated side dish you have come to the wrong place.  This is the culinary pleasure dome and you are the guest of honor.  Serve this dish to a pack of holiday hotties and you will always be the guest of honor.

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 dash black pepper
2. 1 dash salt
3. 2 dashes ground nutmeg
4. ½ cup heavy cream
5. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
6. 1 large handful shallots finely chopped
7. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
8. 2 cloves garlic finely chopped
9. 1½ lb fresh spinach

Step 1
Wash your spinach thoroughly, chop off the thick stocks and boil for 2 minutes.  Drain the spinach, straining out as much of the water as you can squeeze.

Step 2
Melt the butter in a pan and sauté the garlic and shallots until they become translucent (approx 3 min).  Add the spinach, salt, black pepper, nutmeg and pine nuts heat through (approx 2 min). Finally add the heavy cream and cook until the cream reduces in half (approx 2 min).

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November 23, 2015

Getting randy with candied carrots is dandy.

Carrots are often overlooked as an unsexy, utilitarian vegetable. You might think the coolest thing to do with it is make a nose for Frosty the Snowman. Bully to that I say. Those suckers have never enjoyed the sweet, tender taste of a carrot candied to perfection. They have never used carrots as a side dish so sensational that the entrée looks like a chump.  Once they’ve felt their knees knock, toes curl, and eyes roll into the back of their head, they will never sully the good name of carrots again.  The beta-carotene alone helping you see your lover clearly in the dark should be reason enough.  It’s all about those sweet and savory flavors one-upping each other to give you the first of many oral orgasms.  Tongues spasming and dreamy eyes gazing are to be expected. This may not be the most appropriate Christmas dinner side dish considering these Randy Candied Carrots could inspire Grandma to discuss in detail her flings with jazzmen in 40’s nightclubs. But rest assured, you will be the much-lauded champ wherever you bring these.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on the entrée, but tis the season for vino

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 bunch carrots
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash cumin
6. 1/4 stick butter
7. 1 tbsp brown sugar
8. 1 cinnamon stick
9. 1 orange

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Cut the ends off the carrots, wash them and set them in a baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast until the carrots soften (approx 30 min).

Step 2
Halfway through the carrot roasting, melt the butter in a pan, adding the cinnamon stick. Peel or zest the orange so you have small slivers. Cut the orange in half. Throw the orange zest, brown sugar, cumin and orange juice in the pan and cook on low until reduce by half (approx 10 min).  Add the carrots and stir around in the candied glazy goodness (approx 10 min).

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November 20, 2015

There's so much to be thankful for...give some banging in return.

Tonight is the night.  Whether you came home to see the relatives or are treating your closest friends like the family you bang, shit is going off this evening.  This one goes out to all the people traveling to their hometowns who will catch up with old friends the Thanksgiving Eve. Odds are you will catch up on old times, tell lies about what you’re doing with your life, and drink yourselves into oblivion.  This is the perfect recipe for banging that hottie you always wanted in high school, but never had the game to pull it off.  The new you lacks that doubt that kept you from consummating a crush you likely slapped your genitals around over.  Should the nerve of someone with nothing to lose (at this point, who cares?) still not stand at attention, you got one hell of a festive drink to inspire some courage.  Thanksgiving in a martini glass will just about do it.  These go down smooth so be careful.  You don’t want to do the walk of shame right into your family’s Thanksgiving dinner.

Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Eating Buddy: Anything and everything Thanksgiving themed

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can pear nectar
2. 3 shots vanilla vodka
3. 1 tbsp pumpkin butter
4. Ice
5. 2 cinnamon sticks

Step 1
Combine the pumpkin butter, vanilla vodka, pear nectar, and ice in a martini shaker. Shake it vigorously like you did in high school when you couldn’t get banged if your dweeby life depended on it.  Pour the contents into a martini glass and garnish with a cinnamon stick.

Drink ‘em up, drink ‘em down.  Become that drunken clown!

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November 18, 2015
Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella's, but with way more umph!

Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella’s, but with way more umph!

Halloween is upon us.  Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined.  Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite for destruction.  Unspeakable acts of mayhem and perversion have occurred on my Halloween watch.  The fact I don’t remember much of it seems beside the point.  The pretentious side of me finds the whole transformation thing very Kafka, while the idiotic derelict in me just thinks it’s a great excuse become reckless.  So I always apply this theory to my pumpkins each year.  My Halloween tradition is to purchase two pumpkins, one to carve into sarcastic social commentary, and the other less pretty pumpkin I demand for free becomes something delicious. So I pimped my pumpkin into a soup with Thai-style flavor. The lucky lady who joined me for the jack-off-lantern carving party did agree and demonstrated her appreciation the old fashioned way…orally.

pimpin pumkin soup prepTotal time: approximately 50 minutes

Projected cost: $9

Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITOS

Ingredients (for six):

1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil

2. 4 cups chicken stock (use vegetable stock to make vegan)

3. 2 cups coconut milk

4. 2-3 lb pumpkin

5. Salt at your discretion

6. 1 teaspoon dried lemongrass

7. 1 onion chopped coarsely

8. 1 small handful of freshly sliced GINGER

9. Lime wedges to squeeze into soup

Step 1

Cut the ends off the pumpkin, skin it, slice in half, scoop out the seeds and gunk, and slice into chunks.

pimpin pumkin soup pumpkin

Step 2

Sauté the ginger and onions with 1 tbsp of olive oil, spicing it with lemongrass (approx 5 min).  Add the pumpkin, throw in the remaining olive oil and sauté until the pumpkins soften (approx 7 min).

pimpin pumkin soup saute

Step 3

Add the stock and bring to a boil.  Turn the heat down low and simmer (approx 35 min).  Puree the soup, add the coconut milk, and heat through.  Squeeze some lime into each bowl you ladle up.

pimpin pumkin soup stock coconut lime

Serve up this with some Thai NOODLES and you’re sure to have a happy ending.

pimpin pumkin soup served

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