December 17, 2014
Sexy commies gone vegan! Don’t tell Stalin…
Hello, comrades! I speak of course to the Russian women I have had the pleasure of. There is something about that accent that brings up all my childhood Cold War fears and translates them into lust. No doubt, their Soviet bloc childhoods taught them how to survive so they are as tough as they are hot. Not a wilting flower in the bunch. Banging someone tougher than you are can challenge your ego. But I welcome the challenge since the payoff makes my babushka spin. What better way to lure them in than the classic Russian dish, borscht? This Commie red soup hits the spot and nourishes the people. Even if your culinary conquest isn’t Russian, make them your comrade for the night. I’m back in the USSR!
Total time: approximately 1 hour
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Vodka drinks like CHASING GINGER TAIL or SLUTTY TEMPLE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 tbsp olive oil
3. 4-6 cups vegetable stock
4. 1 handful parsley chopped
5. ¼ red cabbage chopped coarsely
6. 4 carrots peeled and chopped
7. 1 bunch BEETS
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 4 potatoes chopped coarsely
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 small handful ROSEMARY sprigs
12. Sour cream (optional, not pictured)
Heat up olive oil in stockpot and sauté garlic, rosemary, onions, red cabbage, carrots, salt and potatoes (approx 10 min). Move on to Step 2 as it cooks.
Chop off the beet stems and tails, and peel the skin away. Use the peeler to shred small slivers of beets, which will make the soup cook faster. Toss them in the pot and sauté more (approx 5 min).
Dump in the vegetable stock, bring to a boil, turn heat low and simmer (approx 40 min). Puree half of the soup and throw in the parsley.
Serve up in bowls with sour cream if you want to keep your comrade warm.
December 15, 2014
This chicken curry will inspire you to bango like the tango.
This sexy dish was inspired by a mango chicken curry I had at an Indian restaurant in Sydney, Australia. I’m not sure if it was the food or the beautiful waitress who served it to me, but something changed in me that day. And I’m not just talking about the growth in my pants. Mango and curry together unlock something primal. Sweet, spicy and sensual. You really can’t go wrong serving a date this…unless you accidentally spill the contents in their lap. This happened to me. But my date was more hungry than outraged so all was forgiven the moment she took her first bite. I did have to dab up the mess on designer jeans. But you form an intimate bond once you’ve cleaned curry off someone’s crotch. Plus I removed my pants to make her feel more comfortable while her jeans were in the wash. I’m empathetic like that.
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Beer or SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA
Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 2 tablespoons of red curry paste
2. 1½ cups of dried basmati rice
3. 1 can of coconut milk
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. 1 onion cut into strips
6. 1 red bell pepper cut into strips
7. 2 chicken breasts cut in bite-sized pieces
8. 2 handfuls of chopped cilantro
9. 2 mangoes peeled and chopped
10. ½ a lime of juice
Wash the rice first in a colander. Then boil the rice with twice as much water. Turn the heat down low and simmer until the water is all absorbed (approx 15-20 min). Use a fork to fluff the rice after. Move on to Step 2 while it simmers.
Marinate the chicken in lime juice and ½ the cilantro. Heat up 1 tablespoon of oil in a large deep pan on high heat and brown the chicken (approx 4 min). Set the chicken aside.
Heat up the remaining oil in the same pan on medium-high heat. Saute the onion and red bell pepper (approx 3 min). Add the mango and curry paste and cook until they melt together into a killer sauce (approx 2 min). Finally mix in the chicken and coconut milk and cook until the sauce reduces and the flavor sets into all contents (approx 4 min). Mix in the remaining cilantro and serve the curry over the rice and prepare to be praised.
December 12, 2014
Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows
You can almost hear the steel drums and kinky Reggae when you slurp this sexy take on a Caribbean classic. It takes a little work to harness the flavors, but trust me when I say it’s well worth the time (hint hint). Shrimp mango bisque is both nutritious and loaded with aphrodisiacs that will put you on the path to gratification. The sweet taste of mango compliments the spices; the shrimp are just begging to soak in the sweet and spicy flavor bursts. My first encounter with this dish was at Club Med in Turks and Caicos as a child rather clueless as to why the adults danced so closely together after a downing a bowl. Perversity and ingenuity have since led me to honing the recipe to what you see before you. SMACK MY BISQUE UP has become a reliable go to dish that brings that Caribbean sunshine to my kitchen and bedroom even in the dead of winter. Go on, make Bob Marley proud!
Total time: approximately 1 hour
Projected cost: $10-20 (depending on your location and season)
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or a Caribbean beer like a Red Stripe
1. 1 teaspoon of paprika
2. 2 tablespoons of salt (more to taste)
3. 1 cup of flour
4. ¼ cup of vegetable oil
5. 1 teaspoon of turmeric
6. 1 plantain peeled and diced
7. 1 red bell pepper
8. 1 pound of shrimp (with shells and tails)
9. 1 red onion diced
10. 2 Poblano chilies deseeded and diced (jalapeños can substitute)
11. 2 mangos pureed (use frozen if need be)
12. 3 gloves of garlic minced
13. 1 handful of cilantro chopped coarsely
Peel all the shrimp, separating the meat from the shells. Create a shrimp stock by boiling the shells in 6 cups of water. Keep this process going on a slow boil as you follow the rest of the steps.
Combine the onions, bell pepper, chilies and cilantro into a bowl, and separate into two equal bowls. Place one of these bowls right by the stove. Create a roux by turning the stove up to high heat and throw in the vegetable oil, heat it up, then pour in the flour, mixing thoroughly without stopping (it will burn if you do) until it browns. Next toss in half the veggies and stir until they cook into a rich brown mixture.
Stir in the plantains and cook them until they become mushy. Drain the shrimp stock of the shells and dump it all into the stockpot. Bring it all to a boil, mix thoroughly until it becomes a thick consistency, and then toss in the remaining veggies. Let it all simmer for 20-30 minutes so all the flavors cook in nicely.
Allow the veggies to cook in the stockpot while you peel and puree the mango meat. Pour it into the stockpot, mix it around and cook for 5 minutes. Finally toss in the shrimp and cook them until they turn pink (approx 2 minutes). Serve up the bisque with a few sprigs of cilantro with a sexy salad or fresh slab of fish or chicken like you’re serving up backhanded compliments.
December 9, 2014
Who’s up for a fling with some chicken wings?
These chicken wings were made in a rush for a party watching the NBA Finals. It is the only time even non-basketball geeks hop aboard the fan-wagon. That was certainly the case with my buddy’s girlfriend and her sorority sisters. Uninformed, screaming girls and high stakes sports don’t mix. But one of them had a cute smile that screamed “bad girl on board”. So I ignored the game and made sure she tried my latest and greatest recipe. The spicy, APHRODISIAC triple-threat in the wings did the trick. We both blew off the party to have our own NBA: National Banging Association. I just found out who won the game because I have been her sexual captive. Read the rest of this entry »
December 5, 2014
Reap the harvest you sow in your date’s loins!
Or was that destruction? These toasted pumpkin seeds will no doubt help get your seduction going; any resistance to your charms will be obliterated. Crunchy, spicy, and totally thrilling. What a perfect use for ingredients most folks toss away with less concern than for a used condom. Tis unfortunate because pumpkin seeds can provide a great nibble while you whip up the rest of your feast. That way you won’t leave your culinary conquest chomping at the bit. They will be satisfied from the get go with your amazing kitchen feats. So long as you follow them up with a little razzle-dazzle on a plate, you will have succeeded at planting the seeds of seduction that will sprout from their mouth all the way down to their loins. Read the rest of this entry »
November 28, 2014
Be thankful for your bountiful bevvy of beauties
The Thanksgiving is hangover on now. You’re probably stumbling through your family’s home plastered on eggnog and convincing only the dog that your life is on track. At least the turkey was good, right? Turkey can keep the Thanksgiving spirit alive with that sexy someone. Hopefully you’ll be able to convince them that you are in fact close with your family and show signs of taming. If all goes to plan, your hedonistic instincts should be masked until after its too late for them to turn back. This is comfort food at its sexiest. The goat cheese cranberry sauce becomes a sexy time explosion in your mouth, while the crisp lettuce, tart tomato, buttery avocado, and crunchy bread gets your knees knocking boots. Your family will be happy to know that the food they made with such love and care is now getting you laid. Who says COOK TO BANG doesn’t encourage family values? Read the rest of this entry »
November 27, 2014
Bang that turkey until it's goes gobble gobble gobble!
It’s time for the orphan round up! Many young professional go-getters moved far away from home to chase down a dream…and then bang it senseless. For us, going “home”, that place we grew up where our families and oldest friends are, is an impossibility. For most, it’s a matter of cash, or lack there of (too much cash spent drinking and chasing tail). It could be a matter of time (I’d rather drink), distance (That far for 4 days?!), or annoyance (If I hear dad ask me to explain my job one more time…). Whatever the case may be, you are sticking around for a stay-cation and will be attending a Friends Thanksgiving. What a perfect time to get banged by Little Orphan Annie or Andy! Read the rest of this entry »