BANGSGIVING: CREAM IN YOUR PANTS SPINACH

November 25, 2014

I cream, you cream, we all cream from my filthy food dreams!

I suggest bringing a change of underwear for this one.  Decadent doesn’t begin to describe this supernova of creaminess found in this holiday side dish.  Don’t feel too embarrassed by your “accident” while eating Cook To Bang style creamed spinach.  Chances are everyone else you serve it to will also lose control of their sexual organs and cream in a symphony of sensuality. Expect a flavor orgy.  The Thanksgiving may well be swept right off the table as your Friends Thanksgiving turns into a Friends With Benefits Thanksgiving.  If you are looking for a more muted, PG-rated side dish you have come to the wrong place.  This is the culinary pleasure dome and you are the guest of honor.  Serve this dish to a pack of holiday hotties and you will always be the guest of honor.

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 dash black pepper
2. 1 dash salt
3. 2 dashes ground nutmeg
4. ½ cup heavy cream
5. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
6. 1 large handful shallots finely chopped
7. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
8. 2 cloves garlic finely chopped
9. 1½ lb fresh spinach

Step 1
Wash your spinach thoroughly, chop off the thick stocks and boil for 2 minutes.  Drain the spinach, straining out as much of the water as you can squeeze.

Step 2
Melt the butter in a pan and sauté the garlic and shallots until they become translucent (approx 3 min).  Add the spinach, salt, black pepper, nutmeg and pine nuts heat through (approx 2 min). Finally add the heavy cream and cook until the cream reduces in half (approx 2 min).

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BANGSGIVING: RANDY CANDIED CARROTS

November 24, 2014

Getting randy with candied carrots is dandy.

Carrots are often overlooked as an unsexy, utilitarian vegetable. You might think the coolest thing to do with it is make a nose for Frosty the Snowman. Bully to that I say. Those suckers have never enjoyed the sweet, tender taste of a carrot candied to perfection. They have never used carrots as a side dish so sensational that the entrée looks like a chump.  Once they’ve felt their knees knock, toes curl, and eyes roll into the back of their head, they will never sully the good name of carrots again.  The beta-carotene alone helping you see your lover clearly in the dark should be reason enough.  It’s all about those sweet and savory flavors one-upping each other to give you the first of many oral orgasms.  Tongues spasming and dreamy eyes gazing are to be expected. This may not be the most appropriate Christmas dinner side dish considering these Randy Candied Carrots could inspire Grandma to discuss in detail her flings with jazzmen in 40’s nightclubs. But rest assured, you will be the much-lauded champ wherever you bring these.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on the entrée, but tis the season for vino

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 bunch carrots
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash cumin
6. 1/4 stick butter
7. 1 tbsp brown sugar
8. 1 cinnamon stick
9. 1 orange

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Cut the ends off the carrots, wash them and set them in a baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast until the carrots soften (approx 30 min).

Step 2
Halfway through the carrot roasting, melt the butter in a pan, adding the cinnamon stick. Peel or zest the orange so you have small slivers. Cut the orange in half. Throw the orange zest, brown sugar, cumin and orange juice in the pan and cook on low until reduce by half (approx 10 min).  Add the carrots and stir around in the candied glazy goodness (approx 10 min).

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WET DREAMYTINI

November 21, 2014

I’m dreaming of a wet martini.

Some dreams are memorable, others haunt you for weeks after, and the best kind leave your sheets sticky the next morning. That’s what we’re going for here. You want your dreams as naughty as you can get. This martini is here to turn those obscene dreams into reality. Why shouldn’t you indulge in all of your dreams, noble and sordid alike? You work hard; you do good throughout your life; you deserve to do a little bad. Next time you have a classy hottie over for something delicious and decadent, get dreamy with martini shaker. Bonus points that pomegranate juice is rich in cancer-fighting antioxidants so any perverted intentions get canceled out. Read the rest of this entry »


WANNA HAVANA? SALAD

November 19, 2014

Do I wanna? You damn skippy!

Do I wanna Havana? It’s been a dream of mine since I was a small child. Seriously, I picture myself in the long long ago era of Havana’s heyday drinking mojitos on the street and puffing on fat cigars. Cuban girls, a preferred pastime of mine, my version of baseball, bring out the happy happy in me. So yes, absolutely I wanna Havana. Too bad I’m an American with that 50 year-old embargo cock-blocking my Havana cabana-existence. So I must resort to other means. Namely serving Cuban style avocado salad to the Cuban girls and hoping to not piss off Castro brothers in the process. Read the rest of this entry »


CHIPPENDALE TUNA PASTA

November 17, 2014
Serve this dish up like the sexy Chipenndale you are!

Serve this dish up like the sexy Chippendale you are!

Nothing screams out sex appeal for the ladies like a buff dude in a bowtie with a fake collar and cuffs.  That’s the Chippendale way.  Keeping it classy but lust inspiring at the same time.  Make the married ladies scream.  Give them something to fantasize about while their husbands bang them with brief, disinterested strokes.  Win win.  That’s what this stupidly simple dish is about.  Tap into the unbridled lust that only bowtie-wearing dancers can inspire.  I hope you have your dance revue choreographed.  Remember…step forward, step back, spin around, clap and THRUST!  Just don’t spill the kick ass contents on the plate while making those moves. Read the rest of this entry »


PLANTAIN CHIP PARTY TRAIN

November 14, 2014
The plantain train is leaving the station with or without you!

The plantain train is leaving the station with or without you!

All aboard!  This party train is headed for your Caribbean culinary connection.  Expect steel drums, tropical breezes and dreadlocks.  When you aren’t shaking your booty to some live reggae, you can stuff your face with this CARBOLUSCIOUS treats.  The banana’s larger, oven-friendly cousin will capture the island spirit.  Baking it makes it a guilt-free snack or compliment to your ENTRÉE.  Plantains are inexpensive, robust and totally awesome.  Your date won’t expect such a delicious twist.  Now do as Bob Marley commands and get with the kinky reggae now! Read the rest of this entry »


EDAMAME’S BOY

November 12, 2014

Enjoy the tsunami of edamame!

 

I don’t mind admitting I am a mama’s boy. Sure some conservatives might call me morally bankrupt. But I scoff at them because I still have a good relationship with my mother. She’s the one who taught me how to cook after all. Sure I may have taken the foundations of her teachings and used it to get girls out of my league to sleep with me. But isn’t that what innovation is all about? Take something simple like the act of cooking and run wild in a field or devious dandelions. That’s what I have done with edamame. Sure they taste great on their own, like nature’s candy. But I wanted to sex it up a bit. What better way to do that than smother them in aphrodisiacal flavor and roast them to perfection? Take it from this edamame’s boy; you will be happy you took my cue. Read the rest of this entry »


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