COCONUT COD-PIECE

February 5, 2016
Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!

Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!

I generally don’t recommend being bashful and covering up your naughty bits. But for some reason it has been deemed socially unacceptable to prance around naked in public. So when social decorum outweighs your exhibitionist tendencies, you need to figure out a classy way to cover up. Bring on the codpiece! Your most shocking parts will be hidden from view, yet you will leave everyone guessing what you could possibly be packing. And that’s just where you want to be. Apply this same hidden package of awesome theory to the meal you serve to your date. Nothing packs quite a flavor wallop like this black cod dish I made as an afterthought. The task at hand was preparing MISO HORNY COD that has been dropping panties since 2003. But I had leftover cod that required my swift attention lest these beautiful cuts of fish go the way of slap bracelets. So my date the following night was given a rarefied chance to try something new and totally untested. This dish is what follows and thank god for that! Lord knows she was thanking god in her own lascivious way.

coconut codpiece prepTotal time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $20, but worth every goddamn penny!
Drinking Buddy: White wine like a Sauvignon Blanc

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp soy sauce
2. ½ can coconut milk
3. 1 tbsp olive oil
4. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
5. 1 orange bell pepper cut in strips
6. 1 small handful cilantro chopped coarsely
7. ¼ lime
8. 2 BLACK COD fillets
9. 1 mango peeled and chopped in chunks
10. 4 green onions chopped coarsely
11. 1 handful macadamia nuts crushed (optional, not pictured, whoopsie!)

Step 1
Marinate the black cod fillets in the cilantro, lime and soy sauce (approx 15 min or longer).
coconut codpiece marinate
Step 2
Create the coconut sauce by sautéing the green onions, orange bell peppers and mango in the olive oil until they soften (approx 5 min). Add the coconut milk and macadamia nuts (if you are a superstar) and cook on low heat until the sauce reduces in half (approx 15 min).
coconut codpiece sauce
Step 3
Add the marinated fish to the sauce and continue to cook on low heat until the fish cooks through, but remains tender (approx 10 min). Lay out a carbohydrate of your choice (PONZU COUSCOUS used here), add a black cod fillet on top and pour the sauce over it. Finally crown it with avocado slices and you have a meal worthy of angels crying.
coconut codpiece fish plate

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BUST-A-NUT SQUASH SOUP

February 3, 2016
Bust a nut with some butternut

Bust a nut with some butternut

“I think I’m gonna bust a nut all over this squash! Can’t hold back any more.  Oh yeah, here it comes. Mmm mmm.  Damn this soup hits the spot every time.”  This is the typical reaction you get when you make this during wintertime.  The butternut is the sexiest, tastiest, most sultry member of the squash family.  It absorbs flavor like a champ and becomes velvety when cooked right. And when you roast it, good god does it drip with sex appeal.  There aren’t adjectives provocative enough to sum up cooking roasted butternut squash into a soup so I’ll leave that filthy fantasy to the individual chef.  This soup has gotten me through the leanest of times with some lovelies with countless requests for sequels.  One ex tried to get this recipe before we broke up, but I refused so she left in a huff never to be seen again.  Roxanne*, if you’re reading this, here’s the recipe finally available to any and all.  Enjoy, and give your cat my best.

*Name changed for publication (her real name is Catherine)

Total time: approximately 1 hour
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: A red wine, beer or whisky to warm your bones.

butternut-soup-prepIngredients:
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 1 teaspoon (more for taste)
3. 6 cups of vegetable stock
4. 1 teaspoon of coriander
5. 1 teaspoon of paprika
6. 1 teaspoon of pepper
7. 1 teaspoon of turmeric
8.  1 pound butternut split lengthwise
9. 1 onion chopped coarsely
10. 2 large carrots peeled and chopped
11. ½ a lime
12. 1 handful of cilantro chopped coarsely

Step 1
Get that butternut roasting by preheating the oven to 400 degrees F, splitting it, drizzling it in olive oil, salt, pepper and stuffing each half wrapped in tinfoil and roast in oven for 30-40 minutes when you can pierce the squash meat easily with a fork.
butternut-soup-roast
Step 2
Wait a few, and then cook the other veggies while you wait on the butternut squash to roast. Heat the rest of the oil in a stockpot and sauté the onions until they become translucent (approx 10 min).  Toss in the carrots, scoop in the roasted squash and add the spices (coriander, paprika and turmeric), stirring occasionally as you cook another 10 minutes until the veggies take on a yellowish-orange like curry.
butternut-soup-veggies
Step 3
Pour in the vegetable broth and bring it all to a roaring boil on high heat.  Turn the heat down low and simmer uncovered until the carrots easily break apart (approx 20 min).  Puree the ingredients.  Finally squeeze lime and cilantro over the soup, stir and serve up on a platter like the Mad Hatter.
butternut-soup-boil-blend

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LET THEM EAT SALMON CAKES

February 1, 2016

Patty cakes, salmon cakes, banger man! Bang me a salmon cake as fast as you can.

That Marie Antoinette was quite the strumpet of her day. This Versailles Vixen raised her bloomers for everyone in the court, men and women alike, except her pantywaist husband Louis XVI. What a scandal it must have been for the French queen to be a whore and the king likely gay. Every would-be suitor need only present an edible treat to Mademoiselle Antoinette and into her boudoir they would go. This was a precursor to COOK TO BANG. A little known historical fact: When Marie Antoinette said, ìLet them eat cake!î she meant salmon cakes. These are cheap and easy to create, but major crowd pleasers. If only Marie’s messenger hadn’t flubbed the message. Off with his head!

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or champagne

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp vegetable oil
2. 1 tbsp breadcrumbs
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 tsp RED PEPPER FLAKES
5. 1 can salmon
6. 1 egg
7. 1/2 bell pepper diced

Step 1
Open and drain the salmon of water or oil, scooping the meat into a bowl. Throw in the bell pepper, salt, rep pepper flakes, egg, and breadcrumbs. Mix it together like freaky food orgy.

Step 2
Warm the oil up in a pan on medium heat. Shape 4 small salmon patties in the palms of your hand. Fry the salmon cakes in the pan until they brown (approx 3 min), and flip browning the other side (approx 2 min).

Serve up artfully with some CONDOM-MENTS like the sun dried tomato aioli pictured.

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WHO’S YOUR PAPAYA SALSA?

January 28, 2016
Who's your papa?  Some guy I hope to never meet.

Who’s your papa? Some guy I hope to never meet.

I have never quite gotten the expression, “Who’s your daddy?”  This phrase is usually uttered by some machismo douche-asaurus banging some bar skank with a tramp stamp tattoo and daddy issues.  I supposed that is appropriate considering she is looking for a father figure and he is fulfilling a stereotype.  But think about it for a moment.  Who wants to fantasize about banging a family member?  Last I checked incest is lower on the evolutionary scale than bestiality.  Sure I fantasize about banging someone else’s family members, but that is above the board and legal.  I’m more likely to grunt in the throes of wanton lust, “Who’s your daddy’s favorite employee?”  Bob, if you’re reading this, this is purely hypothetical and I did not engage in illicit fornication in your boathouse while wearing your prized captain’s hat.  I also have no idea where those stains on the wall came from.  But I do know where that papaya salsa that you and your delightfully innocent daughter are enjoying. Handcrafted by the same hands that help run your empire.  You’re welcome.  Do you mind if I borrow Rochelle for sec?  I need her help tossing this salad. Read the rest of this entry »


ARTICHOKE HEARTBREAKERS

January 27, 2016
You're a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!

You’re a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!

Hear that high-pitched sound not unlike a champagne glass shattering against the wall? That’s a million hearts being broken by this ass-gettin’ APHRODISIAC appetizer. The hook is that it’s baked, not deep-fried, keeping those asses slimmer and more inclined to get down later. Don’t wallow in bloated oily malaise. Bake those hearts before you break more hearts. I figured this out when I brought a platter for a playoff party. The diehard fans were crushed by the loss, but they took solace with my healthy-ish finger food. One particularly devastated, but delicious female fan got an extra dose of comforting by the chef. Soon her sorrow over her team’s seasonal demise was overshadowed by the fact I didn’t call her again. I still feel bad, but my calendar is jam-packed for the next month with more hearts to break. Next! Read the rest of this entry »


PAD SEE OOH BABY!

January 26, 2016

Thai me up, Thai me down, Thai one on!

Thai me up, Thai me down, Thai one on!

That’s right!  You know how to do what you do so do it.  Ooh ooh, baby, do it one more time.  I can’t get enough of your tasty taste.  It’s so exotic, so flavorful, so foreign to my white bread existence.  Suddenly all the TV Dinner memories are evaporating into adventures in Thailand.  I’m on a beach getting my hair braided.  I’m in the jungle communing with shaman living in a tree house.  I’m in Bangkok breaking all 10 Commandments.  It’s all because you spice up my life.  Keep it up.  Now that I’ve tasted the East, these noodles will keep the memories alive at the very least. Read the rest of this entry »


EDAMAME’S BOY

January 25, 2016

Enjoy the tsunami of edamame!

 

I don’t mind admitting I am a mama’s boy. Sure some conservatives might call me morally bankrupt. But I scoff at them because I still have a good relationship with my mother. She’s the one who taught me how to cook after all. Sure I may have taken the foundations of her teachings and used it to get girls out of my league to sleep with me. But isn’t that what innovation is all about? Take something simple like the act of cooking and run wild in a field or devious dandelions. That’s what I have done with edamame. Sure they taste great on their own, like nature’s candy. But I wanted to sex it up a bit. What better way to do that than smother them in aphrodisiacal flavor and roast them to perfection? Take it from this edamame’s boy; you will be happy you took my cue. Read the rest of this entry »


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