August 31, 2015
You're just grillin', like Bob Dylan!
This grilled chicken salad has all the fixings that will help you get that fix. Been hard up for some attention of the leisurely kind? Fret no more that you will die celibate and alone in a shack made of cow dung deep in the wilderness. This salad should help you get back on your feet and banging once more. Just step back and allow the grilled chicken to open up the flavor in this uber-healthy salad. You can lure whichever conquest you have your heart set on with promised of a high protein, low calorie waltz on their tongue. It’s an easy dish to play off like you threw it together without so much as a second thought. You can leave the impression that this is how you always eat because you are that awesome and nonchalant. Now you’ll have plenty of time to wow the shit out of your date with other impressive qualities like the ability to read palms, take out flies with a blowgun, and give someone an orgasm from across the room. Go and get them…at your leisure.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: A beer or SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
3. 1 head of lettuce
4. 1 apple cored and sliced thinly
5. 1 tomato halved and sliced thinly
6. 1 pound of chicken (seasoned if you so desire with Mexican/fajita seasoning)
7. 1 AVOCADO de-pitted and sliced thinly
8. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
9. ½ a lime worth of juice
10. 1 small handful of cilantro chopped coarsely
Wash the lettuce and then chop into bite-sized pieces and mix it up in a bowl with tomato, apple, and avocado.
Mix up a simple dressing with cilantro, green onions, limejuice, soy sauce and olive oil.
Preheat the grill, which means getting charcoal going way earlier. Grill the chicken on the grill thoroughly until the meat browns, flipping once (approx 5 minutes per side). Allow chicken to cool and then pull it apart in small pieces and set aside.
Throw a large handful of mixed salad on a plate, follow it up with a small handful of pulled chicken and add a tablespoon of dressing to your healthy masterpiece.
Now turn off the heat and turn on the charm!
August 24, 2015
Big Ol’ Sausage Cumming your way!
Make room! Make room! A massive sausage is coming straight for your open mouth. There’s not a whole lot you can do but smile like a donut. But don’t fear it. Taste it. Enjoy it. Love it. There’s nothing wrong with phallic food so long as you are comfortable with yourself and enjoy good food. Just to make you feel better, you can Price Albert the sausage to make it less threatening. Throw in all the veggies and aphrodisiac avocado and you have an innocuous, yet delicious open-faced sandwich to enjoy with your date. Need I mention that you can whip these up in 10 minutes flat while you wax poetic with your game? Now drop your inhibitions and pick up that big ol’ massive meaty sausage.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: LICK YOU LIPS MINT JULEP
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp of vegetable oil
2. 2 small slathers of mayonnaise
3. 2 large sausages (chicken, turkey or veggie OK)
4. 1 small onion chopped into strips
5. 2 slices of sourdough bread
6. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 1 bell pepper chopped into strips
8. 1 handful of cherry tomatoes
Sauté the onion, bell pepper and cherry tomatoes in oil on medium heat (approx 4 min). Split the sausages down the middle, throw them into the pan and cook down (approx 3 min). Burst the cherry tomatoes so they stew, drawing out the cancer-fighting lycopene.
Toast the bread and slather mayonnaise on each piece. First place the peppers and then dump the sautéed pepper, onion and tomato mixture. Crown them with avocado slices and cut the open-faced sandwiches in half.
Serve these bad boys up solo or with some SOUP.
August 21, 2015
The Lady and the Trampy Scampi
I used to stamp my little feet as a child when someone called me a shrimp. It drove me batty that I wasn’t a “big kid”. Time changes everything. Call me a shrimp as an adult and I’ll thank you, and then fantasize about buttery, garlicky goodness. I am the first to admit that I’ll get trampy for shrimp scampi. A note to the ladies: you too can put a man like myself under your spell with this dish. There’s something amazing about cooking shellfish in this velvet sauce that grants the chef the power of mind control. It’s been that way ever since I stole the recipe from a heavily guarded underground vault in Switzerland. Sure I am wanted by Interpol, but I did it all for you, dear reader. Who loves ya?
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: White wine or beer
1. ½ cup of white wine
2. 1 teaspoon of salt
3. 2 tablespoons of butter
4. 1 pound of shrimp
5. 1 handful of chopped parsley
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice
7. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 3 cloves of garlic chopped finely.
Melt the butter in a skillet on medium. Sauté the garlic (approx 2 minutes) then add the green onions, parsley and salt and cook it all down (approx 3 minutes)
Butterfly the shrimp and remove the shells (if necessary). Throw in the shrimp and cook until they pinken (approx 2 minutes). Squeeze in the lemon juice and white wine and cook until the liquid reduces (approx 3 minutes). Serve up on a plate plain or over some PASTA or RICE.
August 21, 2015
Hola, mi amigo! Nothing says, “Girl (or boy), you’re worth the extra $2 an avocado,” like guacamole. Sometimes salsa just isn’t enough. Serve these with tortilla chips or with some magical Mexican feast. Ole!
1. 2 Haas avocados depitted and roughly chopped
2. 2 green onions roughly chopped
3. 1 jalepeno, deveined and deseeded, and roughly chopped
4. 1 tomato roughly chopped
5. ½ a lime
6. salt to taste
Throw the chunks of avocado, green onion, jalapeno and tomato into a bowl and mix like a champ. Squeeze the lime and salt as desired (not much more than a teaspoon).
Take a fork, egg beater or cooking wand and mash together. Be sure to leave some chunks so they can tell you made it yourself. Go team!
• Add chunks of mango to the guacamole for a sweet sensation
• Cilantro also makes a nice addition if you want it more salsa-like
August 19, 2015
Once you popsicle you can’t stop, sicko!
It was only a matter of time before COOK TO BANG invaded the popsicle world. Summer is here and we need a cool and refreshing way to rev up our libidos. Look no further than the CTB Pornsicle series. We’re talking frozen pops loaded with APHRODISIACS and attitude. This is the perfect post-coital treat to get your loins a much-needed recharge for Round 2 banging your divine date demands. Feel free to include these frozen phallic pops are perfect to include in your culinarylingus activities. With fewer calories and natural ingredients, why would you lick anything else?
Total time: approximately 30 minutes + freezing time
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: Vodka to dip it in
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 small WATERMELON
2. 1 handful of BASIL
3. 2 tbsp of brown sugar
Split the watermelon in half and scoop out all the meat and juice. Puree it all in a blender.
Pour the pureed watermelon in bowl and toss in chopped basil. Bring to a boil and then simmer until the volume reduces (approx 15 min). Allow it to cool (approx 15 min)
Use a ladle to fill the popsicle trays, throw the caps on, wipe around the top and throw them in the freezer overnight until they are solid.