March 7, 2014
Open your mouth and take it all in...
Happy 2010 to my beloved readers! Here’s to another year full of dirty dishes and used condoms. You deserve to pour yourself a cocktail to celebrate. Go ahead. Don’t be shy. Take it all in. Suck it all the way down and then ask for more. Taste it? That’s the flavor of a mimosa supped up with all kinds of sexy. Sure you could have poured orange juice from concentrate, but we both know you are your date deserve better. Nothing but the goods for you, superstar. Get right up in it and take ownership over this non-cock-blocking cocktail. You are starting the day off with a bang. Hopefully more than one bang considering you are the embodiment of hot sex on a platter. Gulp-to-gulp, kitchen-to-bed, enjoy some fine morning head.
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $5 (excluding booze cost)
Eating Buddy: All manners or FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY
Ingredients (per drink):
1. 1/2 glass champagne (any sparkling wine will do)
2. 1/2 orange
3. Pomegranate juice
Fill each glass halfway with champagne. Cut the oranges in half and squeeze the juice into the glass. Top off each glass with pomegranate juice and you are ready to rock.
March 3, 2014
Poking around in the dark never tasted so good.
Aloha, hula girls! Kamana wanna laya. That is Hawaiian for, “Come over and I’ll make you dinner.” At least that’s what the tour guide tart said to me on a tropical rainforest walk. Being the unusual tourist with caustic wit is at least good for something. My lack of fanny-pack, Pearl Harbor commemorative t-shirt, and golf hat gave me away. Eager to get away from the family, and, do I really need a reason to jump into the car of an attractive stranger? This lickable local showed me the real Hawaii, including a real Hawaiian bar where my weak sauce knowledge of surfing lingo was mocked. Lucky for my fragile ego, she took me home after for the promised homemade meal. This babe had a badass blade and sliced up sashimi grade ahi tuna her friend caught that morning. I honestly can’t tell you what was better, the poke or the poking.
Total time: Approximately 1-2 hours (mostly fridge time)
Projected cost: $12
Drinking buddy: Sake
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1/2 tbsp sesame seeds
2. 1 tsp sesame oil
3. 1 tbsp soy sauce
4. 1 tbsp HONEY
5. 1 dash crushed red pepper
6. 1/2 lb sushi grade ahi TUNA
7. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
Cut the ahi into bite-sized cubes.
Throw the ahi into a bowl and combine with the green onions, soy sauce, sesame oil, honey, sesame seeds, and crushed red pepper. Mix together and refrigerate until cool (approx 1-2 hrs).
Serve the poking poke on a plate or in martini glasses to make Poketinis, the classiest way to indulge.
February 28, 2014
Where the party at? In your pants of course!
Wondering where the party’s at? It’s wherever the hell you are at any given moment. You could walk into a nursing home and suddenly the geriatrics would be break-dancing and popping wheelies in their wheelchairs. Sound good? In order to make that shit happen, you better bring your A-game. That means throwing down something delicious, even it’s simple enough to assemble in total darkness underwater (not an ideal setting to cook, btw). So what is your lazy ass waiting for? Forget all the effort required to make pizza dough. Grab a big ass pita and make a big ass, booty-shaking pizza party for two…or more.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Beer or PANTY DROPPING SHANDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 large pita (spiced optional)
2. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 yellow bell pepper sliced in strips
4. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
5. 2 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. 1 handful shredded mozzarella
7. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Pour the olive oil over the pita and rub it in. Place the tomatoes evenly throughout the pita. Scatter the mozzarella evenly over the tomoatoes. Finally scatter the green onions, yellow bell peppers and basil over it all.
Throw the pizza in oven and bake until the pita crust hardens and cheese melts (approx 10 min). Cut it like pizza slices and serve up like
February 26, 2014
Inhale my kale
This simple as sin noodle dish’s got everything. Want healthy green kale? You got it, bub, Feel like the tart of lime, a hint of Vietnamese with the fish sauce, maybe the tang of sun-dried tomato? Indoubely-deed. How about an aphrodisiac triple threat? Bim bam boom. That mean old Dr. Atkins will shake his immortal head in shame over the carbs, but in their defense, they are pretty light and airy. And that will come in handy when all the colors swirling around this healthy noodle dish spin you and your date off your feet and into bed. Feel free to watch the kaleidoscope in the air when you’re both lying panting, post-coital, feeling it. Read the rest of this entry »
February 24, 2014
Miso ready to get randy with these radishes!
Not to sound like a braggart, but I am so rad and shit. At least that’s what my neighbors’ teenage son told me when I explained the Cook To Bang method. This poor misguided kid figured wearing moppy hair and hipster pants that cut off circulation to his free will would get him chicks. ‘Fraid not, Fredo! The only thing that will make girls notice you is indifference and brash confidence. Once you have that, allow them to come over to your house, and wow the shit out of them with some food you happened to throw together. This kid has grown up watching my dinner guests leave the next the morning in the same clothes figured I might know what I’m talking about. So my young protégé has been putting my methods to the test. Now I’m starting to notice a series of girls coming in and out of his place after school while his parents are working. I might have created a monster. Hopefully his parents won’t blame me if he knocks one of these princesses up. One thing’s for sure, these radishes went from meh to rad and shit. Read the rest of this entry »
February 20, 2014
There’s no shame in going second so long as it’s sloppy
No one likes to admit to having taken sloppy seconds, but we’ve all done it. We all slip up and go there whether it’s hitting it after your best friend, sibling or in my case boss. As long as you keep it under wraps and don’t allow this booty call to evolve into a five-year relationship then it’s no harm no foul. Just move on knowing you got your forbidden rocks off and got away with it. Well done, MacGuyver! Now you just need to figure out an exit using only dental floss and a used condom. Remember that your relationship with your homie is way more important than a piece of strange they already discarded anyway. But sloppy isn’t always bad. Sloppy can be damn good when stuffed into a bread roll and smothered with avocado. So embrace the tangy terrific taste of a Sloppy Seconds Joe without shame or fear of retribution. Read the rest of this entry »