April 16, 2014
The Chinese have given us so much: taoism, kung fu and food fusion.
This SALAD is so goddamn precocious. It thinks it can get away with anything because it is so nutritious and low fat. I turned my back for a second and it had already invited all its buddies over to my place for a salad tossing party. Don’t mistake me for some prude. I do a website called Cook To Bang after all. But these salads got buck wild under my roof. They drank all my booze, wore all my favorite clothes and one them took a joyride in my car. If you see a CHARRED OCTOPUSSY SALAD driving a Volvo be sure to tell it to return my wheels. But in spite of all the annoyance, I have such a soft spot for Chinese Chicken Salad that I’ll let it go. Not sure I could say the same for the COBB & BALLS SALAD.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE or Arnold Palmer…w/ vodka
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 1 tsp sesame seeds
3. 1 tbsp HONEY
4. 1 can water chestnuts
5. 1 can/jar mandarin oranges
6. 1 tsp minced GINGER
7. 1 carrot shredded
8. 1/3 red cabbage cut in strips
9. 1/3 green cabbage cut on strips
10. 1 chicken breast
Pan-steam the chicken in a thin layer of water, flipping once (approx 15 min). Cut the meat into cubes.
Create the dressing by whisking together the soy sauce, honey, sesame seeds and ginger.
Toss the green cabbage, red cabbage, carrot, drained water chestnuts drained mandarin oranges and chicken with the dressing.
Serve up on plates for a perfect lunchtime quickie.
April 14, 2014
These are lemon bar none the best way to make somone sweet into a tart
Lemon bars are a fairly innocuous sweet treat favored by WASPy church ladies and the uptight men that don’t get to bang them. Even I can appreciate the wholesome nature of these lovely lemon luxuries. But that doesn’t mean we must have undying reverence for the sacred lemon bar. Make them right and lemon bars can be a citrus-soaked ticket to Boom-Shaka-Laka-Land. Praise be to the dessert treat that can lure in the do-gooder with the do-great ass using sweetness, then convince them to get naked with sour tart. Think of these lemon bars as the bait on a trap, a decoy if you will. Plant a seed with that sexy new coworker, naughty neighbor, or coffee shop acquaintance. Hand them a bar, allow them to experience the orgasmic indulgence in private and wait. Compliments and praise for your culinary prowess will surely follow. This is the part where you invite them over to your place for more of the same, but in a more intimate setting. Game, set and match!
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Milk or something stronger like a cognac
Ingredients (makes roughly 32 bars):
1. 2 cups of flour, plus another ½ cup
2. 2 cups of granulated sugar
3. 2 cups of powdered sugar, plus another ¼ cup
4. 2 sticks of butter
5. 1 teaspoon of baking powder
6. 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
7. 4 eggs
8. 2 lemons for juice and zesting
9. 1 cup of shredded coconut
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Create the crust by creaming the butter, 2 cups of powdered sugar, and 2 cups of flour, ideally with a baking mixer, otherwise with a lot of elbow grease. Lay it all out in the base of a 15×10-inch baking pan, patting it all down with your hands. Throw in the pan and bake until the crust browns slightly (approx 15 minutes).
While the crust is baking, mix up the lovely lemon filling. First remove the zest from the lemons using a zester or the fine end of a cheese grater. Squeeze the juice from the lemons, being sure no to mix in the seeds. Beat the eggs in a separate bowl before adding to the bowl along with the granulated sugar, the remaining ¼ cup of flour, baking powder, vanilla extract and shredded coconut. Mix it all together thoroughly.
As soon as you pull the baking pan out of the oven with the browned crust, pour in the lemon filling evenly. Throw it back into the oven bake until the filling hardens (approx 25 minutes). Remove the baking pan from oven once more and immediately sprinkle the remaining powdered sugar over it evenly. Allow it all to cool while you work your sexy moves. Slice them up and serve to your chosen conquest.
April 11, 2014
Come Mrs. Tallyman, fondle me banana
For the record, Cook To Bang isn’t telling you to bang your nana. That is illegal in most countries and frowned upon everywhere else with the possible exception of Sweden. Why do you think they call it a Swedish pancake? Yet I digress, a bad habit since my ADHD childhood. Bananas are among my favorite fruits. Taste and phallic suggestiveness aside, the magnesium, potassium, riboflavin and B Vitamins run through the love machine you call your body like premium oil used in sports cars driven by men substituting for what they lack. But that’s not your problem. Is it, fellas? Even if it is, fret no longer. Bananas also turbo-charge the male libido with the enzyme bromelain. The fact “bro” is in the enzyme’s scientific name should not be lost on you. Fire up the griddle and make pancakes…in bed. Then make breakfast.
Total time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: MIMOSUCK IT
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. Maple syrup
2. 1 cup flour
3. 2 tbsp peanut butter
4. 2 tbsp brown sugar
5. 1/2 cup milk
6. 1 egg
7. 1/2 stick butter
8. 1 banana sliced thinly
9. 1 handful pecans chopped finely
10. 1 tsp baking powder
11. 2 tbsp HONEY
Create the peanut butter banana pancake batter. First sift together the flour, brown sugar, and baking powder. Melt half the butter. Create a hole in the center of the powder and fill it with the egg, milk, and melted butter. Mix it into a batter, and then add the peanut butter, half the banana, and honey. Mix it all and hot damn!
Heat up a pan, skillet or griddle. Throw a sliver of butter down before ladling the pancakes one at a time. Cook each side until they brown (approx 2 min) flipping once. Repeat until you have four glorious pancakes. Lay out the banana slices and scatter shot the pecan pieces. Add butter and syrup, as you deem necessary.
If you are especially ravenous after banging all night and again in the morning, serve some HARDCORE SOFT-BOILED EGGS on the side.
April 9, 2014
Avoid getting into scuffles when you truffle shuffe.
While CTB has already done the GRATUITOUS GRILLED CHEESE SINWICH to great fanfare, one gourmet grilled cheese sandwich just isn’t enough. Anyone whose been to a grilled cheese contest can tell you there’ more than one way to melt congealed milk. At the GRILLED CHEESE INVITATIONAL, I learned that there are as many variations on the grilled cheese as positions in the Kama Sutra. Since CTB is not about to make grilled cheese the exclusive format, allow me to present this grilled piece of awesome for your dining pleasure. In the interest of full disclosure, I just got truffle oil and am totally and positively gay for it. A little dab works like a super lube, revving up the sexy time explosions in your mouth. Alas, I applied the glorious oil to a grilled cheese lunch. I took my first bite while standing and nearly lost my footing. Luckily the girl I was cooking for was able to break my fall or I would have knocked over the precious truffle elixir and likely licked it straight off the floor. By the time we gobbled down our sinwiches, we danced a shuffle from the kitchen into the bedroom without bothering to wash our hands first.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 4 slices of wheat bread
2. 2 mini-drizzles truffle oil
3. 1 mozzarella burrata ball
4. 1 handful fresh chopped BASIL
6. 2 small pinches finely chopped sun-dried tomatoes
Spread butter on one side of each bread slice. Slice the burrata ball and distribute evenly between two slices. Next add the basil, sun-dried tomato, and truffle oil. Slap the bread together.
Get the pan nice and hot on medium heat first and then throw the sandwiches down. Brown one side of the sandwich, flip, and cover with a top. Cook until the cheese melts and the other side browns (approx 4 min). Slice in half and serve.
April 7, 2014
Polenta them down, all the way to the ground.
Sometimes you have to take decisive action to get your freak on. That means going all in like in a high stakes game of poker and laying it all on the line. Well, perhaps that analogy is wrong. In fact, this recipe makes the art of culinary seduction seem easy. Polenta screams out classy and sophisticated. Just accept the compliment and go with it. Let the aphrodisiac double threat (black beans & avocado) and rich collection of textures speak for you. Don’t fret. The pants will come off like some freaky scientific mystery. I’ll give you a hint about the science: good food = great sex. And critics say this site is not educational!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $11
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tomato diced
2. 2 green onions diced
3. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
4. ½ can of BLACK BEANS
5. MANGO SALSA
6. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 1 log of pre-made polenta
8. ½ a lime of juice
Heat up 1 tablespoon of oil on medium heat and cook the green onions and tomatoes (approx 2 minutes). Dump in the black beans, squeeze in the lime and cook on low heat.
Heat up a second tablespoon of olive oil in a separate pan. Slice the polenta into 1-inch thick rounds. Cook them in oil until they brown slightly, flipping once (approx 2 minutes per side).
Serve up the black bean mixture as a bed. Place the polenta on top, then crown it with mango salsa and avocado and serve up like only you can.
April 3, 2014
Lead your enchanted hordes with the glorious tune of your Potato Skin Flute.
The flute is an enchanting instrument that when played right can control the minds of the captivated audience. Pan rocked his pipes and outplayed Mt. Olympus’s residents. The Pied Piper inspired people to follow him like sheep, dancing like fools through meadows and forests. Even Saint Patrick the heartthrob priest used a wind instrument to drive the snakes out of Ireland. You too can enjoy such greatness if you embrace and master your own flute (or your man’s). Play that flute beautifully with precision and attention to detail and they will follow you anywhere you want to go. Just imagine the possibilities once you have someone under your flute’s spell and yearning for your next note. Audiences can be fickle so keep them fed so the flute party keeps going. Savory Potato Skin Flutes will do the trick. Cheeky, cheap and cheesy! You’ll be back playing the final crescendo in no time. ♪
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a MO MOJO MOJITO
Ingredients (for two):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. Sour cream for dipping
6. ½ cup of shredded jack (or cheddar) cheese
7. 1/3 cup of shredded Parmesan
8. 1 JALAPEÑO chopped into thin round slices
9. 3 potatoes
10. 2 coarsely chopped green onions (optional, not pictured)
Preheat the oven to 475 degrees F. Create the potato skin glaze by mixing the olive oil, paprika, salt, pepper, and Parmesan in a bowl.
Wash the potatoes thoroughly, and then cut them in half and scoop out the centers with a spoon, leaving the skins in tact. Place the 6 potato skins in a greased baking pan, apply the glaze evenly over all and toss them in the oven to bake (approx 7 minutes). Pull the pan out of the oven and flip the skins over and bake until they brown (approx 7 minutes). Flip the skins back over and throw in the jalapeños (and green onions if you wish) and cover them with cheese. Toss the skins back in the oven until the cheese melts (approx 2 minutes). Serve those bad boys up on a plate with sour cream and if you are feeling bold, GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE.
April 1, 2014
Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.
Soup’s sex appeal is often underestimated because it’s generally associated with cans of Campbell’s. Yes it’s functional and generally quite good for you, but ingredients make the difference. Enter asparagus, an aphrodisiac and natural Viagra. 17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper hailed asparagus for “stir(ring) up lust in man and woman.” The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm. So if history, health and sex aren’t motivating factors, consider that it tastes bloody amazing. Throw in some seafood and you are ready to rock ‘til the break of dawn. I made this dish the other night for a lady I’m fond of and neither of us was left with blue balls, culinary or otherwise. Round 1 was shortly followed by Round 2, 3 and on and on.
1. ½ tablespoon of salt
2. 2 cups of chicken broth
3. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
4. ½ cup of plain yogurt
5. 6 ounces of lump crab meat (fresh or from can)
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. ½ a lemon
8. 1 pound of asparagus (fresh or frozen)
9. Black pepper to taste
On medium heat, sauté the chopped onions until they are soft like the heart of your date. Chop the asparagus into 1inch pieces and then throw into them into the stockpot. Cook for 3 minutes until the asparagus softens.
Squeeze the entire lemon half and follow it up with the chicken stock. Bring it all to a roaring boil. Turn the heat down low and simmer while covered with a lid for 20 minutes. While you wait you I suggest you make a subtle move, perhaps a warm embrace, or nibble on the ear. You got plenty of time still.
Remove the lid. The asparagus should have bled green into the stock and the vegetables quite soft. Fully puree the concoction.
Blend in the yoghurt into the puree so it is mixed evenly. Throw in all the crab, but mix it with a spoon, do not puree. You want your date to taste the crab, thus realizing just how classy you are. Now serve into a bowl and let the night unfold naturally.