August 31, 2015
You're just grillin', like Bob Dylan!

You're just grillin', like Bob Dylan!

This grilled chicken salad has all the fixings that will help you get that fix.  Been hard up for some attention of the leisurely kind?  Fret no more that you will die celibate and alone in a shack made of cow dung deep in the wilderness.  This salad should help you get back on your feet and banging once more.  Just step back and allow the grilled chicken to open up the flavor in this uber-healthy salad.  You can lure whichever conquest you have your heart set on with promised of a high protein, low calorie waltz on their tongue.  It’s an easy dish to play off like you threw it together without so much as a second thought.  You can leave the impression that this is how you always eat because you are that awesome and nonchalant.  Now you’ll have plenty of time to wow the shit out of your date with other impressive qualities like the ability to read palms, take out flies with a blowgun, and give someone an orgasm from across the room.  Go and get them…at your leisure.

grilled-chicken-salad-prepTotal time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: A beer or SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA

1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
3. 1 head of lettuce
4. 1 apple cored and sliced thinly
5. 1 tomato halved and sliced thinly
6. 1 pound of chicken (seasoned if you so desire with Mexican/fajita seasoning)
7. 1 AVOCADO de-pitted and sliced thinly
8. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
9. ½ a lime worth of juice
10. 1 small handful of cilantro chopped coarsely

Step 1
Wash the lettuce and then chop into bite-sized pieces and mix it up in a bowl with tomato, apple, and avocado.
Step 2
Mix up a simple dressing with cilantro, green onions, limejuice, soy sauce and olive oil.
Step 3
Preheat the grill, which means getting charcoal going way earlier.  Grill the chicken on the grill thoroughly until the meat browns, flipping once (approx 5 minutes per side).  Allow chicken to cool and then pull it apart in small pieces and set aside.
Step 4
Throw a large handful of mixed salad on a plate, follow it up with a small handful of pulled chicken and add a tablespoon of dressing to your healthy masterpiece.
grilled-chicken-salad-assembleNow turn off the heat and turn on the charm!


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August 28, 2015
Mo Mojo Mojitos gets you mo and mo and mo and...

Mo Mojo Mojitos gets you mo and mo and mo and...

Viva la Revolucion! I’m not talking about Fidel Castro’s cigar chomping communist regime. I’m talking about the cocktail revolution led by the magical mojito. This cocktail is straight liquid sex appeal. The tart of the lime gets your feet moving; the sweet sugar fuels your moves; the frosty mint refreshes you’re overheating arse; the rum makes you holler at the moon. It takes me back to wild nights in Miami drinking way too many mojitos and going home with somebody shaking their hips hypnotically to a meringue beat. Much love goes out to those people in Havana who created such a perfect drink. I long for my own Guantanamera babe to help me get through this cruel winter. Cuba here I come! But in the mean time I can serve these up for the senoritas in my life. Mojitos never fail to arm me with a little mo mojo. The extra effort pays off in dividends when it compliments a spicy ENTRÉE. That’s what I call caliente!

mo-mojo-mojitos-prepTotal time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $4 (excluding price of rum)
Drinking Buddy: You’re drinking the best buddy you can get

Ingredients (per drink):
1. 1-2 shots of light rum
2. 2/3 cups of white sugar
3. 2/3 cups of brown sugar
4. 1 fat splash of club soda
5. ½ lime quartered
6. 1 large handful of ice
7. 1 bunch of mint leaves
8. 1 cup of water

Step 1
Create a simple mint syrup. Boil the cup of water, then mix in the white and brown sugar, and stir until the sugar dissolves. Turn off the heat and throw in a large handful of mint leaves and allow them to steep in the fridge. (Approx 30 minutes)


Step 2
Crush the ice in a blender, ice pick or fancy refrigerator. Throw ½ a lime and 12 mint leaves into a glass. Muddle the shit out it with something blunt. I used an ice scream scoop because I’m

Step 3
Throw a handful of crushed ice and 2 shots worth of simple syrup and muddle like a madman once again. Next pour as much rum as simple syrup into the glass, fill the rest of the glass with club soda and garnish it off with a few more mint leaves. Serve it all with some Buena Vista Social Club playing in the

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August 26, 2015
We scream for sex dreams!

We scream for sex dreams!

Ever had post-banging munchies so severe you considered eating an entire package of edible panties?  It’s a goddamn epidemic!  Evasive action is necessary to replenish those calories you burned in the throes of unbridled lust.  Since few people have enough raspberry flavored underwear, might I point you in the way of the kitchen?  It’s that room that some people put food in.  The quickest way to return to the task at hand is speed and efficiency.  You want the most flavor per time allotted.  Nothing cools you down after steamy summer sex like an ice cream sandwich crowned with strawberries.  So get back to the screaming, dreaming and orgasm-gleaming!

ice cream sandwich prepTotal time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Milk (with Bailey’s Irish Cream)

Ingredients (serves 4):
2. 2 small scoops vanilla ice cream
3. 2 chocolate chip cookies

Step 1
Chop off the strawberry stems and slice thin strips.  Spread a scoop of ice cream on each cookies and artfully place the strawberries around.  You can get extra classy with a mint leaf, but don’t leave your bedroom buddy hanging too long.

We scream for sex dreams!

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August 24, 2015
sausage n peppers served 2

Big Ol’ Sausage Cumming your way!

Make room! Make room!  A massive sausage is coming straight for your open mouth.  There’s not a whole lot you can do but smile like a donut.  But don’t fear it.  Taste it.  Enjoy it.  Love it.  There’s nothing wrong with phallic food so long as you are comfortable with yourself and enjoy good food.  Just to make you feel better, you can Price Albert the sausage to make it less threatening.  Throw in all the veggies and aphrodisiac avocado and you have an innocuous, yet delicious open-faced sandwich to enjoy with your date.  Need I mention that you can whip these up in 10 minutes flat while you wax poetic with your game?  Now drop your inhibitions and pick up that big ol’ massive meaty sausage.
sausage n peppers prep
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $7

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp of vegetable oil
2. 2 small slathers of mayonnaise
3. 2 large sausages (chicken, turkey or veggie OK)
4. 1 small onion chopped into strips
5. 2 slices of sourdough bread
6. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 1 bell pepper chopped into strips
8. 1 handful of cherry tomatoes

Step 1
Sauté the onion, bell pepper and cherry tomatoes in oil on medium heat (approx 4 min).  Split the sausages down the middle, throw them into the pan and cook down (approx 3 min).  Burst the cherry tomatoes so they stew, drawing out the cancer-fighting lycopene.
sausage n peppers saute
Step 2
Toast the bread and slather mayonnaise on each piece.  First place the peppers and then dump the sautéed pepper, onion and tomato mixture.  Crown them with avocado slices and cut the open-faced sandwiches in half.
sausage n peppers assemble
Serve these bad boys up solo or with some SOUP.
sausage n peppers served

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August 21, 2015
The Lady and the Trampy Scampi

The Lady and the Trampy Scampi

I used to stamp my little feet as a child when someone called me a shrimp.  It drove me batty that I wasn’t a “big kid”.  Time changes everything.  Call me a shrimp as an adult and I’ll thank you, and then fantasize about buttery, garlicky goodness.  I am the first to admit that I’ll get trampy for shrimp scampi.  A note to the ladies: you too can put a man like myself under your spell with this dish. There’s something amazing about cooking shellfish in this velvet sauce that grants the chef the power of mind control.  It’s been that way ever since I stole the recipe from a heavily guarded underground vault in Switzerland.  Sure I am wanted by Interpol, but I did it all for you, dear reader.  Who loves ya?

trampy-scampi-prepTotal time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: White wine or beer

1. ½ cup of white wine
2. 1 teaspoon of salt
3. 2 tablespoons of butter
4. 1 pound of shrimp
5. 1 handful of chopped parsley
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice
7. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 3 cloves of garlic chopped finely.

Step 1
Melt the butter in a skillet on medium.  Sauté the garlic (approx 2 minutes) then add the green onions, parsley and salt and cook it all down (approx 3 minutes)
Step 2
Butterfly the shrimp and remove the shells (if necessary).  Throw in the shrimp and cook until they pinken (approx 2 minutes).  Squeeze in the lemon juice and white wine and cook until the liquid reduces (approx 3 minutes).  Serve up on a plate plain or over some PASTA or RICE.

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August 21, 2015

Hola, mi amigo!  Nothing says, “Girl (or boy), you’re worth the extra $2 an avocado,” like guacamole.  Sometimes salsa just isn’t enough.  Serve these with tortilla chips or with some magical Mexican feast.  Ole!

1. 2 Haas avocados depitted and roughly chopped
2. 2 green onions roughly chopped
3. 1 jalepeno, deveined and deseeded, and roughly chopped
4. 1 tomato roughly chopped
5. ½ a lime
6. salt to taste

Step 1
Throw the chunks of avocado, green onion, jalapeno and tomato into a bowl and mix like a champ. Squeeze the lime and salt as desired (not much more than a teaspoon).

Step 2
Take a fork, egg beater or cooking wand and mash together.  Be sure to leave some chunks so they can tell you made it yourself.  Go team!
•    Add chunks of mango to the guacamole for a sweet sensation
•    Cilantro also makes a nice addition if you want it more salsa-like


August 19, 2015
Once you popsicle you can't stop, sicko!

Once you popsicle you can’t stop, sicko!

It was only a matter of time before COOK TO BANG invaded the popsicle world.  Summer is here and we need a cool and refreshing way to rev up our libidos.  Look no further than the CTB Pornsicle series.  We’re talking frozen pops loaded with APHRODISIACS and attitude.  This is the perfect post-coital treat to get your loins a much-needed recharge for Round 2 banging your divine date demands.  Feel free to include these frozen phallic pops are perfect to include in your culinarylingus activities.  With fewer calories and natural ingredients, why would you lick anything else?

viagra-melon pornsicle prepTotal time: approximately 30 minutes + freezing time
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: Vodka to dip it in

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 small WATERMELON
2. 1 handful of BASIL
3. 2 tbsp of brown sugar

Step 1
Split the watermelon in half and scoop out all the meat and juice.  Puree it all in a blender.
viagra-melon pornsicle chop puree
Step 2
Pour the pureed watermelon in bowl and toss in chopped basil.  Bring to a boil and then simmer until the volume reduces (approx 15 min).  Allow it to cool (approx 15 min)
viagra-melon pornsicle cook
Step 3
Use a ladle to fill the popsicle trays, throw the caps on, wipe around the top and throw them in the freezer overnight until they are solid.
viagra-melon pornsicle pops

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