WET DREAMYTINI

November 21, 2014

I’m dreaming of a wet martini.

Some dreams are memorable, others haunt you for weeks after, and the best kind leave your sheets sticky the next morning. That’s what we’re going for here. You want your dreams as naughty as you can get. This martini is here to turn those obscene dreams into reality. Why shouldn’t you indulge in all of your dreams, noble and sordid alike? You work hard; you do good throughout your life; you deserve to do a little bad. Next time you have a classy hottie over for something delicious and decadent, get dreamy with martini shaker. Bonus points that pomegranate juice is rich in cancer-fighting antioxidants so any perverted intentions get canceled out.

Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Eating Buddy: FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY

Ingredients (per drink)
1. 1 part vodka
2. 2 parts champagne
3. 1 part pomegranate juice
4. Ice
5. Lemon peel slices

Step 1
Load the martini shaker with ice, vodka, and pomegranate juice. Shake like the champion you are and pour into the martini glasses. Fill each glass to the brim with champagne and throw in a lemon peel slice for extra taste and appearance.

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WANNA HAVANA? SALAD

November 19, 2014

Do I wanna? You damn skippy!

Do I wanna Havana? It’s been a dream of mine since I was a small child. Seriously, I picture myself in the long long ago era of Havana’s heyday drinking mojitos on the street and puffing on fat cigars. Cuban girls, a preferred pastime of mine, my version of baseball, bring out the happy happy in me. So yes, absolutely I wanna Havana. Too bad I’m an American with that 50 year-old embargo cock-blocking my Havana cabana-existence. So I must resort to other means. Namely serving Cuban style avocado salad to the Cuban girls and hoping to not piss off Castro brothers in the process.

Total time: Approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking buddy: MO MOJO MOJITO

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 dash sea salt
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 2 handfuls cherry tomatoes
5. 1 AVOCADO
6. 1 lemon wedge

Step 1
Slice the cherry tomatoes in half and chop up the avocado in small bites. Toss with olive oil, lemon juice, sea salt, and black pepper.

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CHIPPENDALE TUNA PASTA

November 17, 2014
Serve this dish up like the sexy Chipenndale you are!

Serve this dish up like the sexy Chippendale you are!

Nothing screams out sex appeal for the ladies like a buff dude in a bowtie with a fake collar and cuffs.  That’s the Chippendale way.  Keeping it classy but lust inspiring at the same time.  Make the married ladies scream.  Give them something to fantasize about while their husbands bang them with brief, disinterested strokes.  Win win.  That’s what this stupidly simple dish is about.  Tap into the unbridled lust that only bowtie-wearing dancers can inspire.  I hope you have your dance revue choreographed.  Remember…step forward, step back, spin around, clap and THRUST!  Just don’t spill the kick ass contents on the plate while making those moves.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

tuna bowtie pasta prepIngredients (Serves 2):
1. 6 ounces of dried bowtie pasta
2. 1 8-ounce can of tomato sauce
3. 1 can of TUNA
4. ½ cup of milk
5. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
6. ½ an onion diced finely
7. 2 garlic cloves diced finely

Step 1
Boil the pasta al dente (follow instructions, approx 12 min) and drain.  While the pasta boils move onto Step 2. When pasta is done, toss it into the sauce and mix.
tuna bowtie pasta noodles
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil on medium heat.  Sauté the garlic and onions (approx 3 min), adding salt if you so desire.  Drain the tuna cans and toss in the pan and cook (approx 2 min) into it.  Pour in the tomato sauce cook until it all goes red (approx 2 min).  Finally pour in the milk and reduce by simmering on low heat as the sauce pinkens.
tuna bowtie pasta saucetuna bowtie pasta served

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PLANTAIN CHIP PARTY TRAIN

November 14, 2014
The plantain train is leaving the station with or without you!

The plantain train is leaving the station with or without you!

All aboard!  This party train is headed for your Caribbean culinary connection.  Expect steel drums, tropical breezes and dreadlocks.  When you aren’t shaking your booty to some live reggae, you can stuff your face with this CARBOLUSCIOUS treats.  The banana’s larger, oven-friendly cousin will capture the island spirit.  Baking it makes it a guilt-free snack or compliment to your ENTRÉE.  Plantains are inexpensive, robust and totally awesome.  Your date won’t expect such a delicious twist.  Now do as Bob Marley commands and get with the kinky reggae now!

plantain chips prepTotal time: approximately 20 minutes

Projected cost: $9

Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE or Arnold Palmer…w/ vodka

Ingredients (serves 2):

1. 1 dash salt

2. 1 tbsp olive oil

3. 2 dashes Cajun seasoning

4. 2 plantains

Step 1

Preheat oven to 350°F. Peel the plantain and cut into thin slices.  Lay them out on the baking sheet.  Sprinkle with salt and Cajun seasoning.

plantain chips slice spice

Step 2

Bake the plantains in the oven until they dehydrate and brown.  Use a spatula to pry them all off the baking sheets.

plantain chips bake

Serve on a plate with HORIZONTAL MAMBO MANGO SALSA.

plantain chips served

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EDAMAME’S BOY

November 12, 2014

Enjoy the tsunami of edamame!

 

I don’t mind admitting I am a mama’s boy. Sure some conservatives might call me morally bankrupt. But I scoff at them because I still have a good relationship with my mother. She’s the one who taught me how to cook after all. Sure I may have taken the foundations of her teachings and used it to get girls out of my league to sleep with me. But isn’t that what innovation is all about? Take something simple like the act of cooking and run wild in a field or devious dandelions. That’s what I have done with edamame. Sure they taste great on their own, like nature’s candy. But I wanted to sex it up a bit. What better way to do that than smother them in aphrodisiacal flavor and roast them to perfection? Take it from this edamame’s boy; you will be happy you took my cue.

Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Sake or Japanese beer

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 lb bag frozen edamame (soy beans)
2. 1 tsp sesame CHILI oil
3. 1 tbsp HONEY
4. 1 tbsp soy sauce (1 restaurant packet works)
5. 2 dashes salt

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Boil the edamame for 5 minutes and then drain.

Step 2
Create the sauce by mixing the soy sauce, honey, sesame chili oil, and salt.

Step 3
Toss the boiled edamame in the sauce and then lay them out on a baking pan. Roast until the sauce dries out and the edamame starts to brown (approx 15 min).

Serve immediately as a perfect FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY with drinks or before dinner.

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VEGAN VIXEN SOUP

November 10, 2014

I'm fixin' for a vixen!

I should have known better. Vegan girls are always trouble. And it’s not just because they are a pain in the ass to feed. There’s something kooky in anyone who limits their culinary possibilities so severely. Maybe they need to take a few classes at an online cooking school to learn that food is not the enemy. But the upside is the rarity of obese vegans. Harmony was certainly no exception. She’s yoga master flex, hence me taking an interest. Picking up one’s yoga instructor is a delicate dance. The last thing you want to do is crash and burn, too humiliated to return to a class you enjoyed. I overheard Harmony gab on about her vegan diet and the explosive orgasms she enjoyed as a result, so I rocked the vegan angle. Post-yoga vegan soup on a cold Sunday evening? Harmony was on it, and on me after she sucked down my soup. Home girl demonstrated yoga possibilities I had never even wet-dreamed of.  Now we have a regular Sunday Cirque du Vegan: I cook; she defies and gratifies gravity.

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 can vegetable stock
2. 1/4 cup white wine vinegar
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 dash black pepper
6. 1/2 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 potato
8. 1 bunch radishes
9. 1 JALEPENO sliced
10. 3 saffron strands

Step 1
First rinse the potato thoroughly and chopped coarsely. Wash the radish, cut away and discard the stalks, but keep the leafy tops, coarsely chopped.

Step 2
Heat up the olive oil in the pan on medium heat. Sauté the onions until they soften (approx 2 min). Add the jalapeño slices, spicing with salt and pepper (approx 1 min). Thrown in the radish slices, chopped leaves, and potatoes. Pour in the white wine vinegar, bring to a boil, and then simmer (approx 5 min).

Step 3
Pour the stock in, add the saffron strands, and bring to a roaring boil. Turn the heat down low and simmer, covered until the veggies are super duper soft (approx 20 min). Puree the soup until it’s all a unified, banging blend.

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PORTOBELLO BORDELLO

November 7, 2014

Turn any date into filthy hooker

Some food has the power to transform a good day into a great day. We’ve all experienced a meal so freaking amazing that we talk about it years, sometimes decades later. Don’t get me started on this penne eggplant bowl I enjoyed on Italy’s Amalfi Coast. Let’s just say I had to smoke cigarette after…and I don’t even smoke! But there are certain dishes that are not only memorable, but cause clothes to melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West. Whore. The Portobello Bordello is one of those dishes. It is not only loaded with APHRODISIACS, but an edible orgasm of flavor, texture and attitude. Be warned: those with heart problems may not be able to handle this mushroom dish’s pure unadulterated awesomeness. The rest of you should not fear stuffing the mushroom. Odds are there will be some serious stuffing to follow.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $16
Drinking Buddy: White wine or champagne

stuffed-portobello-prepIngredients:
1. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
2. ½ tablespoon of honey
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of paprika
6. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ red bell pepper chopped coarsely
9. 6 ounces of lump crab meat
10. ½ a jalapeño chopped finely
11. 1 small handful of shredded Parmesan
12. ½ a lemon worth of juice
13. 2 large Portobello mushroom caps
14. 4 avocado slices (not pictured)

Step 1
Create the stuffing by mixing up the green onions, red bell pepper, lemon juice, jalapeño, crab meat, parmesan, bread crumbs, mayonnaise, honey, salt and paprika in a large mixing bowl.

stuffed-portobello-stuffing

Step 2
Wash the Portobello mushrooms then scrape away the black gills with a spoon and cut out the stem. This will allow more room for stuffing. Pour olive oil over the mushroom tops, then flip them over and place them in a small baking pan. Pour in half the stuffing into each cap and spread out evenly.

stuffed-portobello-prebake

Step 3
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Throw in the baking pan full of stuffed mushrooms into the oven and bake until the stuffing browns (approx 35-40 minutes). Serve it up on top of a large leaf of lettuce. Garnish each cap with 2 avocado slices and serve it up knowing full well IT’S ON!

stuffed-portobello-bakestuffed-portobello-served-2

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