October 24, 2014

Mamacita Carnitas will make you bang like cheetahs

Hey hey Mamacita!
So glad to meet ya!
Come over, I’ll treat ya
So sit and down eat, yah?

Mexican food brings me much joy and comfort. Somehow I don’t feel unique for that. Pretty much every date I’ve served sumptuous South of the border nibbles responds in kind. The hot like a cheetah mamacita just comes out. It’s on at that point with no turning back. You can’t close Pandora’s box of bodacious body bumping. So heed my disclaimer: Unimaginable pleasure will result from whipping these carnitas up. Those with whack taste buds and distaste for debauchery should probably find a new recipe site.

Total time: 25 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking buddy: BANGARITA or a cerveza

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tbsp vegetable or canola oil
2. 2 tbsp brown sugar
3. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
4. 1/2 cup water
5. 2 chicken breasts/ pork butt
6. 1/2 onion chopped finely
7. Corn tortillas
8. 1 orange quartered
9. Cilantro for garnish
10. 1 Serrano CHILI diced
11. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
12. 1 lime quartered
13. Salsa (not pictured, see below)

Step 1
On medium heat, pour oil into the pan and sautÈ the onion and chili until translucent (approx 2 min). Add the water, brown sugar, and cayenne pepper. Squeeze the orange and limejuice in, throwing the peels into the mix.

Step 2
Add the chicken breast or pork butt; I used the chicken because it’s healthier, but traditionally you’d use pork. Life is all about choices so your call. Flip the chicken once the bottom cooks through (approx 3 min). Flip back and forth until all the liquid in the pan becomes a glaze (approx 7 min). Use two forks to shred the meat carnitas style!

Step 3
Lay out the desired tortillas and fill with Mamacita Carnitas. Garnish with avocado and cilantro. Finally throw down some salsa. The ultimate salsa to serve with it is a TOMATILLO SALSA of Chicago chef Paul Kahan in DETAILS MAGAZINE. Words can’t describe how epic its is!

Serve the rest of the carnitas on a platter surrounded by the orange and lime peels. You are that classy!

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October 22, 2014
Forgive the food slur and start to purr

Forgive the food slur and start to purr

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  This is not a test of the emergency broadcast center.  There will definitely be something wrong with your TV once I unleash the fury.  The Chinese have responded to a white man’s attempt at a classic dish.  UN resolutions were passed, harsh censures and condemnations issued, apologies accepted that rebuked.  Who would have thought me taking a little creative license in the kitchen to try to impress a cute Chinese citizen would cause such international crisis?  Granted, homegirl wasn’t impressed for authentic it was not.  But tasty it was.  Perhaps I can explain that to the lynch mob surrounding my house with pitchforks.  Newsflash, douche bags: my head on a platter won’t smooth things over.  Only the diplomacy in my pants will do.  Now fly me to Beijing!

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer, no substitute

szechwan eggplant prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tsp sugar
2. 2 tbsp sesame chili oil
3. 1 tbsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. ½ tsp cornstarch
6. 1 lb chicken breast cut bite-sized (can substitute beef, pork, shrimp, tofu, etc.)
7. ½ yellow bell pepper cut in strips
8. 1 large/2 small eggplants cut bite-sized
9. 1 small handful cilantro chopped coarsely
10. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
11. Red CHILI peppers for heat
12. 1 small handful GINGER finely chopped

Step 1
Heat up 1 tbsp chili sesame oil and sauté the ginger (approx 30 sec).  Add the chicken, brown it with the ginger (approx 2 min) and remove.

szechwan eggplant chicken

Step 2
Heat the remaining oil up and sauté the green onion, cilantro, red chilies, bell pepper and eggplant until they soften (approx 3 min).  Add the soy sauce, oyster sauce, sugar, and cornstarch.  Finally add the chicken and cook it all together (approx 2 min).

szechwan eggplant stirfry

Serve up solo or over RICE.

szechwan eggplant served 2

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October 20, 2014
Let's play a little game called Just the Stuffed Mushroom Tip.

Let’s play a little game called Just the Stuffed Mushroom Tip.

That’s how it all starts.  An innocent maiden voyage evolves into an exploration deep into the unknown.  Justify it any way you want to.  We can pretend it’s a game.  Start with the tip and see how it feels.  If it’s no bueno, fair enough.  But then again, we’ve already gone this far.  What’s a few more steps into the abyss?  I mean the collateral damage has already been sustained.  So why not enjoy it for what it’s worth?  We can write it off as youthful indiscretion.  An official OOPSIE!  Let’s blame the extra bottle of wine.  We both should have known better.  But we’re all adults and mature enough to move on.  I’m glad we had this discussion. I feel better. Don’t you?  Oh by the way, have you tried these killer stuffed mushrooms?

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

just-the-stuffed-mushroom-tip-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of breadcrumbs
2. 1 pinch of salt
3. 1 tablespoon of HONEY
4. 2 handfuls of fresh spinach
5. 3 slices of bacon cut into small pieces (turkey and veggie ok)
6. 10 white mushrooms
7. 1 green onion diced
8. 10 small slivers of Brie cheese

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Wash the mushrooms thoroughly before removing the stem leaving the cap intact and deep.  Cut up the stems into tiny pieces.  Place the caps in a small bacon pan.
Step 2
Warm up a pan on medium-high heat. Fry up the bacon slices with the green onions, chopped mushroom stems, spinach, salt and bread crumbs.  Cook it all down into edible goodness.just-the-stuffed-mushroom-tip-stuffing

Step 3
Scoop a teaspoon of the stuffing into each mushoom cap, place a sliver of brie on top of each stuffed cap, and then drizzle the honey over each cap.  Bake the stuffed caps until they are warmed through and the cheese melts (approx 5-7 minutes).  Serve it up classy on a plate.just-the-stuffed-mushroom-tip-stuf-cheese-honey-bakejust-the-stuffed-mushroom-tip-served-2

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October 17, 2014
Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.

Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.

You should know better than to beg.  There is clear a disconnect with your mastery of the CTB philosophy.  When you serve that special someone amazing food than you won’t have to beg.  It is your date who will beg you for more whether that is a second helping of bagel pizzas or another screaming orgasm.  Groveling doesn’t suit you.  That’s for the people who can’t close the deal in good faith.  Be grateful there are chumps out there on their knees looking pathetic and sexually frustrated.  They suffer so you don’t have to.  Just do the voodoo that you do in the kitchen and the bedroom.  This recipe is so fast and impressive that you can’t help but reap the rewards.  Reap away, reaper.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or beer

bagel-pizza-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 2 small handfuls of fresh BASIL leaves
2. 2 large handfuls of shredded mozzarella cheese
3. 1 bagel
4. 1 tomato sliced thinly
5. 2 large handfuls of spinach
6. 1 mushroom sliced thinly
7. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly
8. Butter to spread on bagel

Step 1
Slice the bagel in half.  On each side, spread a thin layer of butter, place tomatoes, spinach, avocado, layer of mozzarella, basil leaves, and mushrooms.  Pat in all down with your hands so everything bakes in place.
Step 2
Throw the bagel pizzas in the toaster of oven and toast on medium-dark setting.  Remove pizza when the cheese browns.  Serve up on a plate with your whole night ahead of you.


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October 15, 2014
KA-BOOM!  This dish will shake the room.

KA-BOOM! This dish will shake the room.

KA-BOOM!  Don’t worry your pretty little head.  It’s not North Korea or Russia dropping bombs.  This bomb is going off in your mouth and then in your pants. The APHRODISIAC quantities have been quadrupled to ensure you get your based needs met. It’s sort of like napalming an entire jungle to take out one sniper.  Overkill?  Perhaps.  But the job gets done and you get off.  This overzealous approach happens to offer banging flavor blasts that should keep you popping, locking and dropping trow.  Finally you have a reason to get up out of bed where you have someone slumbering peaceful and naked.  Wake them up with a mouthful of eggs and a crotch full of you.  KA-BLOOEY!

aprhodisiac booty bomb scramble prepTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $8

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ can BLACK BEANS
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 handful ASPARAGUS spears chopped coarsely
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 1 small handful goat cheese
8. 3 eggs
9. 1 green CHILI chopped coarsely
10. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly

Step 1
Heat up the black beans with one pot.  Sauté the asparagus and green chili with the olive oil.

aprhodisiac booty bomb scramble saute

Step 2
Mix up the eggs up with green onions, salt, and black pepper.

aprhodisiac booty bomb scramble mix

Step 3
Pour the eggs into the sautéed veggies and scramble.  Crumble in the goat cheese so it melts into the eggs.  Split the eggs up between 2 plates.  Crown the eggs with the black beans and avocado.

aprhodisiac booty bomb scramble cook assemble

Serve up solo or with a side of SALSA.

aprhodisiac booty bomb scramble served

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October 13, 2014
BBW...Big Beautiful Women...Brash Bold Wicked

BBW…Big Beautiful Women…Brash Bold Wicked

This one goes out to all the Big Beautiful Ladies out there.  I’m not too proud to admit that in the course of banging like a champion, I’ve entertained a few BBW with “great personalities”.  So here’s a sexy salad with an amazing personality.  It’s delicious, nutritious, and calorie-vicious. While most salads are meant to help you lose weight, a few rather yummy ones work the opposite way.  The very nature of ranch dressing is an oxymoron: making lean salads fattening.  But the creamy liquid does taste dreamy.  Combine it with tangy BBQ sauce and the calorically-challenged will flock.  This salad is sure to satisfy both of your cravings. Read the rest of this entry »


October 10, 2014
Bacon smoking, hash toking, breakfast choking

Bacon smoking, hash toking, breakfast choking

In honor of 4/20 tomorrow…you must be exhausted after the third round of morning sex.  I doubt you could bang a forth time if you wanted to.  You are running on an empty tank.  Time to fill you up with super unleaded so your premium sex machine can run all afternoon and into the night.  VROOM VROOOOOOOOM!  Bring on some chicken hash.  This has protein, carbohydrates and enough nutrients to keep you banging like a bunny into next week.  The Nobel Prize winning astrophysicists COOK TO BANG keep on staff, i.e. chained up in my basement and fed leftovers, have been working around the clock to bring you this streamlined breakfast.  Naturally, I am taking credit for their revolutionary findings.  But don’t you think those guys have enough accolades and prize money already?  I’m glad you see it my way.  More hash? Read the rest of this entry »


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