BALLS-ON-IT BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES

August 27, 2014
Slap some sugar, lemon, balsamic, then put them balls on it!

Slap some sugar, lemon, balsamic, then put them balls on it!

DESSERT is the time when a Cook usually turns into Bang.  Many final courses like cheesecake that take over a day to make, like a slow, patient seduction.  There is nothing wrong with taking your time to holler at the moon so long as you do in fact holler.  But we live in a culture that wants everything yesterday. In fairness to the instant gratification crowd, here’s an instant dessert that is healthy, tasty, and quick on the go.  Do not fear the balsamic vinegar for it is your friend.  The fusion of the powdered sugar, fructose from the berries and the vinegar is like some mystical alchemy that preps your tongue ready for more adventuresome travels.  Be sure to hand-feed these to your date, thus fostering the intimacy you will no doubt exploit for your own perverted gains.  I have made this outstanding standout for more dates than I can remember and not once have I been refused. Won’t you join our merry band of culinary pranksters?

balsamic-strawberries-prepTotal time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Champagne of course

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of powdered sugar
2. 2 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar
3. 1 package of fresh strawberries
4. ½ a lemon worth of juice

Step 1
Cut the strawberries into thin slices, removing the stems.  Squeeze the lemon juice over the strawberries followed by the balsamic vinegar and the powdered sugar.  Serve this simple satisfaction on a platter and feed them to your lover(s).

balsamic-strawberries-cut-soaked-powdered

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EGG MCBANGIN’

August 25, 2014
egg-mcbangin-served

Mickey D’s ain’t got nuthin’ on this morning delight

So your date has slept over and has a ridiculous craving for some artery clogging McDonalds.  How gross and inconvenient!  You can indulge their desire, save time and money, plus you’ll blow their mind with this vast improvement over the fast food original.  This fine breakfast dish is extremely simple to prepare, plus it can be relatively healthy, thus giving you some much-needed nutrients depleted by a morning in bed.  I first made this dish on a whim using minimal ingredients when a one-night stand demanded I drive her 3 miles away to the nearest fast food purveyor.  First, I despise haphazardly prepared food, but more importantly I was only interested in one thing, and the Egg McMuffin demand was cock-blocking me.  Luckily my ingenuity worked out A-OK.  We both got what we wanted and I never saw her again.  Ha!

egg-mcbangin-prepTotal time: approximately 4 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: coffee or fresh orange juice, spiked with champagne or vodka

Ingredients (for two sinwiches):
1. ½ a tablespoon of olive oil
2. two dashes of salt
3. 2 eggs
4. 1 tomato sliced
5. ½ an avocado sliced
6. 2 English muffins
7. 2 pieces of lettuce
8. 4 sausage links or 2 sausage rounds (pork, veggie, turkey, etc.)
9. 1 tablespoon of cream cheese

Step 1
Split the English muffins and toast them.  If you are using sausage links, split them lengthwise and cook in a pan.
egg-mcbangin-toast-sausage
Step 2
Crack each egg in some sort of vessel and sprinkle a dash of salt on each.  Pour in some olive oil and then drop the eggs.  Keep the egg from spreading out too far using a spatula. Flip the egg when the bottom is solid white and cook over easy.  You want the yolk to be full of gooey goodness.
egg-mcbangin-eggs
Step 3
Spread cream cheese on each side of the toasted English muffins.  On the bottom half, place the tomato, avocado and lettuce.  Then place the cooked egg, sausage and crown it with the top half of the English muffin.  Prepare to dine like a rarefied deity!
egg-mcbangin-assembleegg-mcbangin-served-2

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SEXUAL PRACTICE CACTUS SALSA

August 20, 2014

Dont be a prick-ly pear.

All earthly creatures do it in their own way. Giraffes do it standing up, their long necks intertwined. Male spider monkeys will grab their female partner mid-air, hump them, and release before they even hit the ground. Humans have all kinds of mating rituals from courting over food, to bringing in toys to “bring the spark back”, to discussing the relationship ad nausea post-coital. And within the human genus, we have countless subsets of this behavior. We are an odd species to be sure. Aliens who enslave us two decades from now will be hard-pressed to figure out how to get us to toil away on the Vectarion reactors. I’ll make it simple for them: give us food and let us bang. We’ll take it from there, Remulox.

Total time: Approximately 1 hour (mostly fridge time)
Projected cost: $12
Drinking buddy: Depends on what you serve it with, BANGARITAS are nice

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 2 dashes sea salt
2. 1/2 lime
3. 2 JALEPEñOS
4. 1 cactus pad (nopales)
5. 1 handful cilantro chopped coarsely
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 2 garlic cloves

Step 1
Cut the stems off the jalapeños, cut out the seeds and veins, and chop coarsely. Shave off the cactus barbs and chop coarsely.

Step 2
Bring a small pot of water to a boil. Throw in the garlic, jalapeños, and cactus and blanche (approx 5-10 min).

Step 3
Remove the blanched veggies from the water and throw into a food processor or blender. Combine with green onions, cilantro, limejuice, and sea salt. Blend it all up, throw into a bowl, and refrigerate (approx 1 hr).

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TOFU SUMMER ROLLS IN THE HAY

August 18, 2014
Summer rolling with the homies

Summer rolling with the homies

Summertime calls for lighter fare so we can hone our buns, abs and groins of steel.  Gone are the big coats that hide our blubbery bits.  If you want to bang you gotta look bangable.  So it’s time to put the dairy and beef products aside and get healthy.  Vegan food can be boring if you let it.  But how many obese vegans do you know?  My advice is to embrace the Asian fusion hippie party time.  Be sure your date notices how cultured and sensitive you are.  Play it off like you’ve gone green, instead of just greedy for more banging. If you want to roll in the hay, you better start rolling. Read the rest of this entry »


SHROOM SHAKE THE ROOM BURGER

August 13, 2014
Shroom Shroom Ka'Boom!

Shroom Shroom Ka’Boom!

Feel that rumbling?  That’s not your stomach growling for something homemade and delicious.  It’s the sound of a dance party emanating from a sandwich, reverberating across the room and making everything turn raver-licious.  Close your eyes and you will see strobe lights.  Suddenly we are all wearing baggy pants again and dancing with glow sticks, blissfully unaware how ridiculous we look to anyone sober. Like we care, right?  It’s 1999 all over again and I know the DJ.  Think of this shroom burger as the ultimate disco biscuit.  It is so damn good, you feel like you are high on god knows what.  You will certainly appear more attractive to whomever you serve it to.  Now the two of you can shadow dance with your hands like epileptic classical music conductors.  Rave on ‘til the break of dawn! Read the rest of this entry »


OYSTERS BANG-A-FELLER

August 11, 2014
Act like a Rockefeller with Oysters Bang-a-Feller.

Act like a Rockefeller with Oysters Bang-a-Feller.

Ladies, there’s nothing wrong with banging a feller.  Speaking from the POV of a feller, banging is the only thing that makes us feel special.  All the fancy cars and diamond encrusted Rolexes are just means to get banged.  So make like a goddamn Rockefeller and indulge in the rich oyster power.  The aphrodisiac supernovas of the sea will get your loins revving like a golf cart run on plutonium.  Slurping them down will make you feel momentarily like the richest feller on the planet. Read the rest of this entry »


ME-NUDE-OH! SHRIMP

August 8, 2014
You say Menudo, I say Backstreet Boys, Serve them up at 98 Degrees

You say Menudo, I say Backstreet Boys, Serve them up at 98 Degrees

What’s the first thing you think of when I say MENUDO?  You probably are thinking about a crappy Latin boy band from the 80’s.  This is truly unfortunate.  You are letting outdated pop culture byproducts cloud your judgment.  Let me educate you unfortunate souls on menudo mix.  This simple Mexican blend of herbs and spices (oregano, crushed red pepper flakes, onion powder, cumin, and onion powder) can take some dishes from bueno to AY CARUMBA! Like Ricky Martin’s career, this is certainly the case with this dish.  Shrimp have the glorious ability to absorb almost any flavor into its awesome texture.  Keep them in their shells and you will have flavor to spare.  You just have to bring the same amount of flare into the bedroom as Menudo brought on stage for the millions of 80’s teenage girls in their neon leggings and jelly shoes.  I have faith in you.  So next time you think about Menudo, eat without prejudice. Read the rest of this entry »


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