October 17, 2014
Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.
You should know better than to beg. There is clear a disconnect with your mastery of the CTB philosophy. When you serve that special someone amazing food than you won’t have to beg. It is your date who will beg you for more whether that is a second helping of bagel pizzas or another screaming orgasm. Groveling doesn’t suit you. That’s for the people who can’t close the deal in good faith. Be grateful there are chumps out there on their knees looking pathetic and sexually frustrated. They suffer so you don’t have to. Just do the voodoo that you do in the kitchen and the bedroom. This recipe is so fast and impressive that you can’t help but reap the rewards. Reap away, reaper.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 small handfuls of fresh BASIL leaves
2. 2 large handfuls of shredded mozzarella cheese
3. 1 bagel
4. 1 tomato sliced thinly
5. 2 large handfuls of spinach
6. 1 mushroom sliced thinly
7. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly
8. Butter to spread on bagel
Slice the bagel in half. On each side, spread a thin layer of butter, place tomatoes, spinach, avocado, layer of mozzarella, basil leaves, and mushrooms. Pat in all down with your hands so everything bakes in place.
Throw the bagel pizzas in the toaster of oven and toast on medium-dark setting. Remove pizza when the cheese browns. Serve up on a plate with your whole night ahead of you.
October 15, 2014
KA-BOOM! This dish will shake the room.
KA-BOOM! Don’t worry your pretty little head. It’s not North Korea or Russia dropping bombs. This bomb is going off in your mouth and then in your pants. The APHRODISIAC quantities have been quadrupled to ensure you get your based needs met. It’s sort of like napalming an entire jungle to take out one sniper. Overkill? Perhaps. But the job gets done and you get off. This overzealous approach happens to offer banging flavor blasts that should keep you popping, locking and dropping trow. Finally you have a reason to get up out of bed where you have someone slumbering peaceful and naked. Wake them up with a mouthful of eggs and a crotch full of you. KA-BLOOEY!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: A SMOOTHEE OPERATOR or a NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ can BLACK BEANS
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 handful ASPARAGUS spears chopped coarsely
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 1 small handful goat cheese
8. 3 eggs
9. 1 green CHILI chopped coarsely
10. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
Heat up the black beans with one pot. Sauté the asparagus and green chili with the olive oil.
Mix up the eggs up with green onions, salt, and black pepper.
Pour the eggs into the sautéed veggies and scramble. Crumble in the goat cheese so it melts into the eggs. Split the eggs up between 2 plates. Crown the eggs with the black beans and avocado.
Serve up solo or with a side of SALSA.
October 13, 2014
BBW…Big Beautiful Women…Brash Bold Wicked
This one goes out to all the Big Beautiful Ladies out there. I’m not too proud to admit that in the course of banging like a champion, I’ve entertained a few BBW with “great personalities”. So here’s a sexy salad with an amazing personality. It’s delicious, nutritious, and calorie-vicious. While most salads are meant to help you lose weight, a few rather yummy ones work the opposite way. The very nature of ranch dressing is an oxymoron: making lean salads fattening. But the creamy liquid does taste dreamy. Combine it with tangy BBQ sauce and the calorically-challenged will flock. This salad is sure to satisfy both of your cravings. Read the rest of this entry »
October 10, 2014
Bacon smoking, hash toking, breakfast choking
In honor of 4/20 tomorrow…you must be exhausted after the third round of morning sex. I doubt you could bang a forth time if you wanted to. You are running on an empty tank. Time to fill you up with super unleaded so your premium sex machine can run all afternoon and into the night. VROOM VROOOOOOOOM! Bring on some chicken hash. This has protein, carbohydrates and enough nutrients to keep you banging like a bunny into next week. The Nobel Prize winning astrophysicists COOK TO BANG keep on staff, i.e. chained up in my basement and fed leftovers, have been working around the clock to bring you this streamlined breakfast. Naturally, I am taking credit for their revolutionary findings. But don’t you think those guys have enough accolades and prize money already? I’m glad you see it my way. More hash? Read the rest of this entry »
October 8, 2014
Trap her with some red snapper
A red snapper walked into the social club wearing a three-piece suit, a pocket watch sticking out of his waistcoat. All the ladies heads turned, enthralled by this sexy piece of manfish. Who was he to deny the unwavering lust of the cougars that scratched and pulled each others’ hair to get a taste? When the dust settled, every lady was smoking a post-coital cigarette. The red snapper was nowhere to be seen, but would not soon be forgotten. ìWhat’s the lesson?î you ask. Make an impression, own the room, and you too will be devoured with the right amount of umph. Read the rest of this entry »
October 6, 2014
The tower of taters will tell you no lie, except “Of course I’m single.”
My first professional cooking gig was at a Moroccan restaurant. I ate there while in college and I asked the waiter if they were hiring. The owner met me at the end of the dinner and asked if I could start tomorrow. Suddenly employed, I was thrown into the fire sink or swim. Lucky for all parties involved (my readers included), I swam mightily against the current heavily spiced by turmeric. Beyond the lessons I learned prepping the same dish 200 times in an evening, there were the waitresses. These girls acrobatically poured sweet Moroccan tea into cups balanced on their heels. You can imagine the possibilities afforded by such flexibilities. The floor was there domain; but the kitchen was my domain. I was the gatekeeper to tantalizing scents emanating from the kitchen. Despite all the heavily spiced Cornish game hens or complicated dishes like bastella, the simple Moroccan-style potato salad I made sealed the deal. There was way mo rockin’ with customers gone and the “privacy please” sign on the supply room door. Read the rest of this entry »