April 23, 2014

Gotta lotta burrata to fatha

Some things in life just belong together. Dog and bone; man and woman; anal sex and lube. The sum is way more awesome than the parts. Can you imagine the Olympics without the ski and snowboard events? The very notion makes me shudder. That’s how I feel about creamy, dreamy burrata mozzarella. This majestic dairy product was hand delivered by Jesus, Buddha, and Mohammed on a cloud made of chocolate and feathers. But as good as burrata is, without some sort of tasty wingman, it’s like eating caking frosting in the dark alone on a Saturday night (been there, it ain’t pretty). Tomatoes are the natural go to for most lovers of the CAPRESE SALAD and all things Italian. But clearly those well intentioned, but uninitiated have never enjoyed roasted red peppers with their burrata. I am willing to overlook this infraction, but now you have no excuse. Each bite is like a millions tiny angels tickling your balls or breasts. Heaven is calling your name, my friends!

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 ball burrata mozzarella
4. 12″ baguette
5. 2 red bell peppers
6. 1 bunch fresh BASIL

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C.  Roast the red peppers in the oven, ideally in an oven-safe bowl until the skin blackens (approx 45 min). Place the peppers in a plastic bag, seal it, and leave in the fridge to cool (approx 30 min). The skin will peel away easily. Remove the stalk and chop finely.

Step 2
Mix together the chopped roasted red peppers, finely chopped basil, olive oil, and salt.

Step 3
Scoop the red pepper mixture onto a plate, creating a neat roundabout. Place the burrata ball on top. Slice the bread thinly and arrange artfully around the goods.

Serve on the table with a knife. Scoop a little red pepper and a sliver of burrata onto each slice of bread. Brace yourself for a barrage of compliments and falling debris of undergarments.

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April 21, 2014
Slap a bunch of awesome things together and it's bound to be banging!

Slap a bunch of awesome things together and it's bound to be banging!

Sometimes I indulge myself in culinary experiments with various items that I know taste good on their own. Logic might dictate that combining random bits of awesome could rob each of them of what makes them great. I say bully to that! When in doubt, trust your instinct. This motto was reinforced when I threw together this conglomeration of goodies laying around my fridge into a mass of delicious decadence. Sure it wasn’t the prettiest concoction in my armory of awesome. But you know what? Each bite was a kaleidoscope of flavor that took me to the happy places I have enjoyed eating each of these sumptuous sundries. The lucky lady who observed with keen skepticism as I threw this all together ate her words after she ate this party in her mouth. What’s the lesson in all this? Nothing except that taste is in the tongue of the beholder. Now behold this, suckas!

fig avocado bacon prepTotal time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy:

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp Boursin cheese
2. 2 bacon strips (pig, turkey or veggie)
3. 1 AVOCADO sliced thinly
4. 8 FIGS sliced thinly

Step 1
Cut the bacon into niblets and fry them in a pan until crispy. While the bacon sizzles, combine the figs, avocado and Boursin. Finally add the crispy bacon strip and mix it all around like the hokey pokey. You have yourself one ridiculously flavorful side dish!
fig avocado bacon assemble

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April 18, 2014
Bangeroon, buckeroo!

Bangeroon, buckeroo!

Cookies are more than just a sweet distraction from life’s miseries.  The crumbs we discover months later embedded in our couch’s fibers are a reminder of the moments of elation they bring.  The Girl Scouts have come and gone, but we still want out cookies!  And coconut brings out thoughts of the tropics and sun-bathed bodies.  So get marooned on a desert island with a plate of bangaroons.  Use these cookies as a peace offering for the sexy island girls or boys.  Hopefully they aren’t headhunters.  If they are, use this magnificent confection to convince them you are a god that should be worshipped.  The secret ingredient (hint: rhymes with fineapple) will woo even the most skeptical savage.  These cookies are also are unleavened for any of you chosen Cook-To-Bangers attending a Seder.  Mazel Tov for being so goddamn sexy!

bangaroons-prepTotal time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a BANANA-RAM-YA MILKSHAKE

1. ¼ can of coconut milk
2. ½ cup of powdered sugar
3. 1 cup of sweetened shredded coconut
4. 2 egg whites
5. ½ a pineapple worth of chopped meat

Step 1
Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.  Mix up the pineapple, powdered sugar, shredded coconut, egg whites*, and coconut milk thoroughly.

* Separate by cracking egg in half and pouring the yolk back and forth between the shells until the whites drain into bowl, discard yolk.
Step 2
Grease baking pans and then use an ice cream scoop or large spoon to scoop out cookies into balls.  Leave plenty of room between cookies.  Bake until the tops brown (approx 35 minutes), allow to cool and harden (approx 10 minutes), and then gently pry the cookies off with a spatula and serve.

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April 16, 2014
The Chinese have given us so much: taoism, kung fu and food fusion.

The Chinese have given us so much: taoism, kung fu and food fusion.

This SALAD is so goddamn precocious.  It thinks it can get away with anything because it is so nutritious and low fat.  I turned my back for a second and it had already invited all its buddies over to my place for a salad tossing party.  Don’t mistake me for some prude.  I do a website called Cook To Bang after all.  But these salads got buck wild under my roof.  They drank all my booze, wore all my favorite clothes and one them took a joyride in my car.  If you see a CHARRED OCTOPUSSY SALAD driving a Volvo be sure to tell it to return my wheels.  But in spite of all the annoyance, I have such a soft spot for Chinese Chicken Salad that I’ll let it go.  Not sure I could say the same for the COBB & BALLS SALAD.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE or Arnold Palmer…w/ vodka

chinese chicken salad prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 1 tsp sesame seeds
3. 1 tbsp HONEY
4. 1 can water chestnuts
5. 1 can/jar mandarin oranges
6. 1 tsp minced GINGER
7. 1 carrot shredded
8. 1/3 red cabbage cut in strips
9. 1/3 green cabbage cut on strips
10. 1 chicken breast

Step 1
Pan-steam the chicken in a thin layer of water, flipping once (approx 15 min).  Cut the meat into cubes.
chinese chicken salad pan steam
Step 2
Create the dressing by whisking together the soy sauce, honey, sesame seeds and ginger.
chinese chicken salad dressing
Step 3
Toss the green cabbage, red cabbage, carrot, drained water chestnuts drained mandarin oranges and chicken with the dressing.
chinese chicken salad toss
Serve up on plates for a perfect lunchtime quickie.
chinese chicken salad served 2

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April 14, 2014
These are lemon bar none the best way to make somone sweet into a tart

These are lemon bar none the best way to make somone sweet into a tart

Lemon bars are a fairly innocuous sweet treat favored by WASPy church ladies and the uptight men that don’t get to bang them.  Even I can appreciate the wholesome nature of these lovely lemon luxuries.  But that doesn’t mean we must have undying reverence for the sacred lemon bar.  Make them right and lemon bars can be a citrus-soaked ticket to Boom-Shaka-Laka-Land.  Praise be to the dessert treat that can lure in the do-gooder with the do-great ass using sweetness, then convince them to get naked with sour tart.  Think of these lemon bars as the bait on a trap, a decoy if you will.  Plant a seed with that sexy new coworker, naughty neighbor, or coffee shop acquaintance.  Hand them a bar, allow them to experience the orgasmic indulgence in private and wait. Compliments and praise for your culinary prowess will surely follow.  This is the part where you invite them over to your place for more of the same, but in a more intimate setting.  Game, set and match!

lemon-bars-prepTotal time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Milk or something stronger like a cognac

Ingredients (makes roughly 32 bars):
1. 2 cups of flour, plus another ½ cup
2. 2 cups of granulated sugar
3. 2 cups of powdered sugar, plus another ¼ cup
4. 2 sticks of butter
5. 1 teaspoon of baking powder
6. 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
7. 4 eggs
8. 2 lemons for juice and zesting
9. 1 cup of shredded coconut

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Create the crust by creaming the butter, 2 cups of powdered sugar, and 2 cups of flour, ideally with a baking mixer, otherwise with a lot of elbow grease.  Lay it all out in the base of a 15×10-inch baking pan, patting it all down with your hands.  Throw in the pan and bake until the crust browns slightly (approx 15 minutes).
Step 2
While the crust is baking, mix up the lovely lemon filling.  First remove the zest from the lemons using a zester or the fine end of a cheese grater.  Squeeze the juice from the lemons, being sure no to mix in the seeds.  Beat the eggs in a separate bowl before adding to the bowl along with the granulated sugar, the remaining ¼ cup of flour, baking powder, vanilla extract and shredded coconut.  Mix it all together thoroughly.
Step 3
As soon as you pull the baking pan out of the oven with the browned crust, pour in the lemon filling evenly.  Throw it back into the oven bake until the filling hardens (approx 25 minutes).  Remove the baking pan from oven once more and immediately sprinkle the remaining powdered sugar over it evenly.  Allow it all to cool while you work your sexy moves.  Slice them up and serve to your chosen conquest.


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April 11, 2014

Come Mrs. Tallyman, fondle me banana

For the record, Cook To Bang isn’t telling you to bang your nana. That is illegal in most countries and frowned upon everywhere else with the possible exception of Sweden. Why do you think they call it a Swedish pancake? Yet I digress, a bad habit since my ADHD childhood. Bananas are among my favorite fruits. Taste and phallic suggestiveness aside, the magnesium, potassium, riboflavin and B Vitamins run through the love machine you call your body like premium oil used in sports cars driven by men substituting for what they lack. But that’s not your problem. Is it, fellas? Even if it is, fret no longer. Bananas also turbo-charge the male libido with the enzyme bromelain. The fact “bro” is in the enzyme’s scientific name should not be lost on you. Fire up the griddle and make pancakes…in bed. Then make breakfast.

Total time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: MIMOSUCK IT

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. Maple syrup
2. 1 cup flour
3. 2 tbsp peanut butter
4. 2 tbsp brown sugar
5. 1/2 cup milk
6. 1 egg
7. 1/2 stick butter
8. 1 banana sliced thinly
9. 1 handful pecans chopped finely
10. 1 tsp baking powder
11. 2 tbsp HONEY

Step 1
Create the peanut butter banana pancake batter. First sift together the flour, brown sugar, and baking powder. Melt half the butter. Create a hole in the center of the powder and fill it with the egg, milk, and melted butter. Mix it into a batter, and then add the peanut butter, half the banana, and honey. Mix it all and hot damn!

Step 2
Heat up a pan, skillet or griddle. Throw a sliver of butter down before ladling the pancakes one at a time. Cook each side until they brown (approx 2 min) flipping once. Repeat until you have four glorious pancakes. Lay out the banana slices and scatter shot the pecan pieces. Add butter and syrup, as you deem necessary.

If you are especially ravenous after banging all night and again in the morning, serve some HARDCORE SOFT-BOILED EGGS on the side.

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April 9, 2014

Avoid getting into scuffles when you truffle shuffe.

While CTB has already done the GRATUITOUS GRILLED CHEESE SINWICH to great fanfare, one gourmet grilled cheese sandwich just isn’t enough. Anyone whose been to a grilled cheese contest can tell you there’ more than one way to melt congealed milk. At the GRILLED CHEESE INVITATIONAL, I learned that there are as many variations on the grilled cheese as positions in the Kama Sutra. Since CTB is not about to make grilled cheese the exclusive format, allow me to present this grilled piece of awesome for your dining pleasure. In the interest of full disclosure, I just got truffle oil and am totally and positively gay for it. A little dab works like a super lube, revving up the sexy time explosions in your mouth. Alas, I applied the glorious oil to a grilled cheese lunch. I took my first bite while standing and nearly lost my footing. Luckily the girl I was cooking for was able to break my fall or I would have knocked over the precious truffle elixir and likely licked it straight off the floor. By the time we gobbled down our sinwiches, we danced a shuffle from the kitchen into the bedroom without bothering to wash our hands first.

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 4 slices of wheat bread
2. 2 mini-drizzles truffle oil
3. 1 mozzarella burrata ball
4. 1 handful fresh chopped BASIL
5. Butter
6. 2 small pinches finely chopped sun-dried tomatoes

Step 1
Spread butter on one side of each bread slice. Slice the burrata ball and distribute evenly between two slices. Next add the basil, sun-dried tomato, and truffle oil. Slap the bread together.

Step 2
Get the pan nice and hot on medium heat first and then throw the sandwiches down. Brown one side of the sandwich, flip, and cover with a top. Cook until the cheese melts and the other side browns (approx 4 min). Slice in half and serve.

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