July 16, 2015
Don’t be an octopussy. Eat the goddamn salad!
Don’t mess with Octopussy. That girl has Bond and every other man wrapped around her fingers, eight to be exact. But that was before she went through the Bond rotation. Octopussy never recovered once he cast her aside for the next tramp that could crush his spine with her thighs. That’s where I came in. She needed a rebound and I was generous to provide my body for that purpose. All I had to do was sneak into her floating palace past her army of trained female bodyguards with a bag full of groceries. You may assume that I am trained with the ability to scale walls and hold my breath underwater for over an hour. But all I have is my charisma and disarming sense of humor. So I subdued the Octopussy cult army with cooking anecdotes and they took me to their leader. It was tempting to just engage in a massive orgy with her trained killers, but my mission was to Cook To Bang Octopussy. Homegirl gave me 10 minutes to impress her or I would be fed to her bloodthirsty manatees. That was just enough time to fix up this salad and present it to Octopussy. One bite and she was hooked. We banged until her ego was restored. And like a good villainess, she kicked me out of bed right after and went back to work on her world domination plot. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
June 8, 2015
Summer rolling with the homies
Summertime calls for lighter fare so we can hone our buns, abs and groins of steel. Gone are the big coats that hide our blubbery bits. If you want to bang you gotta look bangable. So it’s time to put the dairy and beef products aside and get healthy. Vegan food can be boring if you let it. But how many obese vegans do you know? My advice is to embrace the Asian fusion hippie party time. Be sure your date notices how cultured and sensitive you are. Play it off like you’ve gone green, instead of just greedy for more banging. If you want to roll in the hay, you better start rolling. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, french, fusion, healthy, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian, vietnamese | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Asia, asian, bang, banging, delicious, DIY, East, easy, flavorful, food, fusion, game changer, get laid, ginger onion, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, mint, mushrooms, naked, orient, recipe, rice paper wraps, roll in the hay, seduce, sex, shredded coconut, spring rolls, summer rolls, tasty, tofu, tofu summer rolls recipe, vegan, vegetarian, Vietnam, vietnamese, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 1, 2015
Why spend another Friday night at home pissed off at yet another flake?
My number one frustration in the dating scene is flakes. Nothing pisses me off more than having a date lined up for the night and getting a call, or worse, a text message with some half-baked excuse about a forgotten lobotomy appointment. I erase their phone numbers on the spot and wipe their existence from my memory banks. This happens to all of us, especially with those you pick up without the benefit of an acquaintance’s introduction. Thems the breaks of being on the prowl. So what’s a player to do to avoid becoming a victim of the better offer? Wow the living shit out of them with a memorable meal. Granted these flaky whores and douches need to sample your cuisine first. But once they do, flaking will be the last thing on their mind. Their concern will be staying in your good graces so they never miss one of your epic meals. Crab cakes send a clear message that you are a keeper and deserve the utmost respect and courtesy. There are millions of sexy singles who would gladly take their place at your dinner table and boudoir. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, asian, Cajun, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, RECIPES, seafood, SEDUCTION, southern | Tagged: appetizer, bang, banging, better offer, boudoir, breadcrumbs, Chesapeake bay, cilantro, crab cake recipe, delicious, DIY, douches, dust, easy, egg, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fish sauce, flake, flaky, flour, food, fry, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, half-baked, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, lobotomy, lump crab meat, mango, Maryland, memorable, mix, naked, never flakes crab cakes, on the prowl, recipe, red bell pepper, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, singles, tasty, text message, vegetable oil, whores, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 30, 2015
This entree is dreamier than all the boy bands mixed together in a blender.
This fish is as dreamy as a 1950’s teen hearthrob. All the girls in poodle skirts want a chance to go to the drive-in with this Indonesian delight. It’s so dreamy, so steamy, so extremey! There’s a do wop band already concocting a song about that “Steamy, dreamy fish…do wop tra la la la you got your wish!” It’s taking the world by storm. Don’t you want to fit in with the popular crowd? Then I suggest you invite the captain of the football team or cheerleading squad over for dinner pronto. This aphrodisiac triple-threat is a hell of a lot healthier than that microwave dinner. Classier too! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: 1950’s icon, aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, cilantro, delicious, DIY, do wop band, dreamy steamy fish recipe, drive-in, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, healthy, homemade, Indonesia, Indonesian, intercourse, kitchen, libido, microwave dinner, naked, poodle skirt, popular crowd, recipe, red snapper, salt, scallions, sea bass, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chilies, sex, soft fish, soft tofu, soy sauce, spicy, steam, tasty, white pepper, wok, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 26, 2014
It’s Silly Willy the love dish, Horny thru and thru, Your tongue’s on fire you’re date’s turn on, Awe ee ooh ooh!
That silly willy gets all over the place! Feed it spicy food and watch it zoom around the room like a monkey on a meth/Viagra cocktail. Shenanigans shall ensue and it will get messy! But isn’t that why you make ridiculous culinary creations? You best inspire a fever-pitch amount of naked naughtiness with your vittles or surrender your libido. Seriously. Welcome to advanced Cook To Bang! This recipe is not for the microwave dinner daters. My uncle’s Indonesian wife Frida taught me this chili crab recipe/love potion cooked by men the night they propose to their future wives. The thought behind this is only a crazy woman lacking taste buds and common decency could turn you down after consuming food this awe-inspiring. I’m not saying Cook To Propose (although this would be a worthy dish), but expect you will own the night. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Indonesian, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: awe-inspiring, bang, banging, blue crab, candlenuts, chili crab recipe, chilies, cook to propose, delicious, DIY, Dungeness crab, easy, eggs, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, indochine, Indonesia, Indonesian, intercourse, jalapeños, king crab legs, kitchen, lemongrass, libido, lime leaves, love potion, meth, monkey, naked, olive oil, propose, recipe, salt, scallops, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shallots, shellfish, southeast asia, spicy, tasty, tomato, turmeric, vegetable oil, Viagra, white pepper, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 15, 2014
This chicken curry will inspire you to bango like the tango.
This sexy dish was inspired by a mango chicken curry I had at an Indian restaurant in Sydney, Australia. I’m not sure if it was the food or the beautiful waitress who served it to me, but something changed in me that day. And I’m not just talking about the growth in my pants. Mango and curry together unlock something primal. Sweet, spicy and sensual. You really can’t go wrong serving a date this…unless you accidentally spill the contents in their lap. This happened to me. But my date was more hungry than outraged so all was forgiven the moment she took her first bite. I did have to dab up the mess on designer jeans. But you form an intimate bond once you’ve cleaned curry off someone’s crotch. Plus I removed my pants to make her feel more comfortable while her jeans were in the wash. I’m empathetic like that. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | asian, fusion, indian, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: Australia, bang, banging, bango your mango chicken curry, basmati rice, chicken, cilantro, coconut milk, curry, delicious, designer jeans, DIY, easy, flavorful, food, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, India, indian, intercourse, kitchen, libido, limejuice, mango, Mango chicken curry recipe, marinate, naked, olive oil, onion, primal, recipe, red bell pepper, red curry paste, seduce, sensual, sex, spicy, subcontinent, Sydney, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 22, 2014
Forgive the food slur and start to purr
Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is not a test of the emergency broadcast center. There will definitely be something wrong with your TV once I unleash the fury. The Chinese have responded to a white man’s attempt at a classic dish. UN resolutions were passed, harsh censures and condemnations issued, apologies accepted that rebuked. Who would have thought me taking a little creative license in the kitchen to try to impress a cute Chinese citizen would cause such international crisis? Granted, homegirl wasn’t impressed for authentic it was not. But tasty it was. Perhaps I can explain that to the lynch mob surrounding my house with pitchforks. Newsflash, douche bags: my head on a platter won’t smooth things over. Only the diplomacy in my pants will do. Now fly me to Beijing! Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: bang, banging, Beijing, chicken breast, china, Chinese, cilantro, cornstarch, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, it’s on! Szechuan eggplant, kitchen, libido, lynch mob, ms. Chinatown, naked, oyster sauce, proc, recipe, red chili peppers, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame chili oil, sex, soy sauce, stir fry, sugar, Szechuan eggplant recipe, Szechuan province, tasty, UN, united nations, yellow bell pepper, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 29, 2014
If this can’t breathe some heat into your fall…you best get used to a cold empty bed.
Hold on tight to the memories. The warmth of the air made it unnecessary for people to wear layer upon layer of clothing. Summer flings are winding down, or in some cased winding up…for the long winter that lies ahead. Bikinis and mankinis are being put away in boxes to collect dust, dry as a bone. Can you blame us for being a tad wistful over the season we left behind? Fall’s great with the accessories (I’m partial to sweaters), but just for now, with this pineapple in my hand, I’m keeping things warm and shimmery. The succulent pineapple meat charred over fire sends me right back to that moment on the beach, laying post-coital on a hammock with a local lovely feeding me freshly grilled pineapple. So yeah, bring your own special memory of summer back with a vengeance. Chances are the lucky someone you grill this pineapple for has their own wicked summer senses to reignite. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | asian, Caribbean, fusion, healthy, RECIPES, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, barbecue sauce, bbq, Bbq pineapple recipe, bbq sauce, bikini, char, charcoal, coleman, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, grill, grilled pineapple recipes, guarantee, hammock, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, last gasp, libido, local, mankini, marinade, memories, naked, pineapple, post-coital, propane, recipe, savory, seduce, SEDUCTION, sense, sex, side dish, succulent, summer, sweet, tasty, wicked, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 13, 2014
You got to lick it before you potstick it!
Innovation generally is born out of desperation, or so I learned creating this appetizer. I returned home briefly after an extended absence and didn’t even bother to take my luggage out of the car. Off to a birthday party I went, eager to connect with old friends, and make a few new ones. My reputation at the party for being a great cook preceded me. One of the guests was especially keen to find out just how much I know about food. We spent most of the night discussing food, our bodies inching closer and closer as we spoke with passion and lust for fine cuisine. I’m not sure exactly how it went down, but we bailed on the party before the cake was served (the food was uninspiring anyway) to whip something up at my house. Only problem was my fridge was empty except for some frozen potstickers, condiments galore and the three strawberries my roommate had leftover. With my cooking game’s reputation on the line, I threw down the gauntlet and made this random piece of awesomeness. My new friend was impressed and gave me props for efforts once that night and twice in the morning. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, challenge, delicious, DIY, easy, empty fridge, food, fusion, game changer, gauntlet, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, Potstick your spicy strawberries, potstickers, random, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame seeds, sex, soy sauce, spicy, spicy sweet, Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce, strawberries, tasty, traveling, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 9, 2014
Jane says, “I’m gonna kick tomorrow.” Yeah right! These summertime rolls are too damn good!
With much respect to Jane’s Addiction. Better music to bang to there could not be. Nothing beats a summertime roll in the hay. Summer sex is sweaty, sticky, and sumptuous. When all have been said and done properly, some light fare is in order. The summer appetite is for something light and refreshing. Heavy, saucy things just don’t do a body warmed by the sun good. That was my conclusion after hiking through the Angkor Wat and Thom ruins all day in the blazing Cambodian heat. The Canadian backpacking aspiring anthropologist/stone cold hottie I met by the tree growing out of the cracks of a crumbled temple and I collapsed into a booth at an empty restaurant when we got back to Siem Riep. Ms. Canada held up two fingers up and we were brought two Angkor beers and two shrimp spring rolls. The nibbles recharged my aching body and overwhelmed sense of wonder. It also got the ball rolling on a beautiful evening performing a clothing optional duet of “Oh, Canada!” Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, cambodian, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, spicy, summer | Tagged: Angkor, Angkor thom, Angkor wat, anthropologist, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, beer, Canada, Canadian, cold stone hottie, delicious, DIY, duet, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jalapeño, jane's addiction, kitchen, libido, mint, naked, oh Canada, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, shrimp summer rolls, siem riep, southeast asia, summer, summer rolls, summertime rolls, sweet chili sauce, tasty, vietnamese, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 