December 26, 2014
It’s Silly Willy the love dish, Horny thru and thru, Your tongue’s on fire you’re date’s turn on, Awe ee ooh ooh!
That silly willy gets all over the place! Feed it spicy food and watch it zoom around the room like a monkey on a meth/Viagra cocktail. Shenanigans shall ensue and it will get messy! But isn’t that why you make ridiculous culinary creations? You best inspire a fever-pitch amount of naked naughtiness with your vittles or surrender your libido. Seriously. Welcome to advanced Cook To Bang! This recipe is not for the microwave dinner daters. My uncle’s Indonesian wife Frida taught me this chili crab recipe/love potion cooked by men the night they propose to their future wives. The thought behind this is only a crazy woman lacking taste buds and common decency could turn you down after consuming food this awe-inspiring. I’m not saying Cook To Propose (although this would be a worthy dish), but expect you will own the night. Read the rest of this entry »
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Indonesian, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: awe-inspiring, bang, banging, blue crab, candlenuts, chili crab recipe, chilies, cook to propose, delicious, DIY, Dungeness crab, easy, eggs, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, indochine, Indonesia, Indonesian, intercourse, jalapeños, king crab legs, kitchen, lemongrass, libido, lime leaves, love potion, meth, monkey, naked, olive oil, propose, recipe, salt, scallops, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shallots, shellfish, southeast asia, spicy, tasty, tomato, turmeric, vegetable oil, Viagra, white pepper, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
December 17, 2014
Sexy commies gone vegan! Don’t tell Stalin…
Hello, comrades! I speak of course to the Russian women I have had the pleasure of. There is something about that accent that brings up all my childhood Cold War fears and translates them into lust. No doubt, their Soviet bloc childhoods taught them how to survive so they are as tough as they are hot. Not a wilting flower in the bunch. Banging someone tougher than you are can challenge your ego. But I welcome the challenge since the payoff makes my babushka spin. What better way to lure them in than the classic Russian dish, borscht? This Commie red soup hits the spot and nourishes the people. Even if your culinary conquest isn’t Russian, make them your comrade for the night. I’m back in the USSR! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, russian, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, beets, carrots, cold war, commie, communism, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, HOT LIQUID LOVE, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, onion, parsley, potatoes, puree, recipe, red cabbage, rosemary, Russia, russian, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, sour cream, soviet, tasty, ussr, vegan, vegan borscht recipe, vegetable stock, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 19, 2014
Do I wanna? You damn skippy!
Do I wanna Havana? It’s been a dream of mine since I was a small child. Seriously, I picture myself in the long long ago era of Havana’s heyday drinking mojitos on the street and puffing on fat cigars. Cuban girls, a preferred pastime of mine, my version of baseball, bring out the happy happy in me. So yes, absolutely I wanna Havana. Too bad I’m an American with that 50 year-old embargo cock-blocking my Havana cabana-existence. So I must resort to other means. Namely serving Cuban style avocado salad to the Cuban girls and hoping to not piss off Castro brothers in the process. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cuban, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, black pepper, calivirgin, castro brothers, cherry tomatoes, cock-blocking, cuba, Cuban avocado salad recipe, Cuban cigars, delicious, DIY, easy, embargo, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, Havana, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, latin, lemon, libido, light, mojitos, naked, olive oil, pastime, quick, recipe, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, toss, vegan, vegetarian, wanna Havana salad, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 10, 2014
I'm fixin' for a vixen!
I should have known better. Vegan girls are always trouble. And it’s not just because they are a pain in the ass to feed. There’s something kooky in anyone who limits their culinary possibilities so severely. Maybe they need to take a few classes at an online cooking school to learn that food is not the enemy. But the upside is the rarity of obese vegans. Harmony was certainly no exception. She’s yoga master flex, hence me taking an interest. Picking up one’s yoga instructor is a delicate dance. The last thing you want to do is crash and burn, too humiliated to return to a class you enjoyed. I overheard Harmony gab on about her vegan diet and the explosive orgasms she enjoyed as a result, so I rocked the vegan angle. Post-yoga vegan soup on a cold Sunday evening? Harmony was on it, and on me after she sucked down my soup. Home girl demonstrated yoga possibilities I had never even wet-dreamed of. Now we have a regular Sunday Cirque du Vegan: I cook; she defies and gratifies gravity. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, hippie, HOT LIQUID LOVE, irish, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: bang, banging, black pepper, calivirgin, cirque du soleil, delicious, DIY, easy, explosive orgasms, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gravity, guarantee, harmony, homemade, intercourse, jalapeño, kitchen, kooky, libido, naked, obese, olive oil, onion, possibilities, potato, puree, radish, recipe, saffron, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, tasty, vegan, vegan soup, vegan vixen soup recipe, vegetable stock, vegetarian, vixen, white wine vinegar, winter, yoga instructor, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 22, 2014
Forgive the food slur and start to purr
Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is not a test of the emergency broadcast center. There will definitely be something wrong with your TV once I unleash the fury. The Chinese have responded to a white man’s attempt at a classic dish. UN resolutions were passed, harsh censures and condemnations issued, apologies accepted that rebuked. Who would have thought me taking a little creative license in the kitchen to try to impress a cute Chinese citizen would cause such international crisis? Granted, homegirl wasn’t impressed for authentic it was not. But tasty it was. Perhaps I can explain that to the lynch mob surrounding my house with pitchforks. Newsflash, douche bags: my head on a platter won’t smooth things over. Only the diplomacy in my pants will do. Now fly me to Beijing! Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: bang, banging, Beijing, chicken breast, china, Chinese, cilantro, cornstarch, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, it’s on! Szechuan eggplant, kitchen, libido, lynch mob, ms. Chinatown, naked, oyster sauce, proc, recipe, red chili peppers, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame chili oil, sex, soy sauce, stir fry, sugar, Szechuan eggplant recipe, Szechuan province, tasty, UN, united nations, yellow bell pepper, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 20, 2014
Let’s play a little game called Just the Stuffed Mushroom Tip.
That’s how it all starts. An innocent maiden voyage evolves into an exploration deep into the unknown. Justify it any way you want to. We can pretend it’s a game. Start with the tip and see how it feels. If it’s no bueno, fair enough. But then again, we’ve already gone this far. What’s a few more steps into the abyss? I mean the collateral damage has already been sustained. So why not enjoy it for what it’s worth? We can write it off as youthful indiscretion. An official OOPSIE! Let’s blame the extra bottle of wine. We both should have known better. But we’re all adults and mature enough to move on. I’m glad we had this discussion. I feel better. Don’t you? Oh by the way, have you tried these killer stuffed mushrooms? Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, french, RECIPES, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bacon, baked, bang, breadcrumbs, brie cheese, collateral damage, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, finger food, food, fungus, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, honey, hors d'oeuvres, intercourse, just the tip in, kitchen, maiden voyage, mushroom, naked, oopsie, passed appetizer, quick, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, simple, spinach, Spinach bacon stuffed mushroom caps recipe, stuffed mushrooms, tasty, youthful indiscretion, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 17, 2014
Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.
You should know better than to beg. There is clear a disconnect with your mastery of the CTB philosophy. When you serve that special someone amazing food than you won’t have to beg. It is your date who will beg you for more whether that is a second helping of bagel pizzas or another screaming orgasm. Groveling doesn’t suit you. That’s for the people who can’t close the deal in good faith. Be grateful there are chumps out there on their knees looking pathetic and sexually frustrated. They suffer so you don’t have to. Just do the voodoo that you do in the kitchen and the bedroom. This recipe is so fast and impressive that you can’t help but reap the rewards. Reap away, reaper. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, italian, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bagel, bagel melt, Bagel pizza recipe, bagel sandwich, bang, basil, butter, cheap. Easy, chump, delicious, dinner, DIY, don’t make me bagel pizza recipe, don’t make me beg, easy, fast, finger food, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, groveling, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, italian, kitchen, mozzarella cheese, mushroom, naked, recipe, screaming orgasms, seduce, sex, sexually frustrated, snack, spinach, tasty, toasted, toaster, tomato, yummy | Permalink
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October 8, 2014
Trap her with some red snapper
A red snapper walked into the social club wearing a three-piece suit, a pocket watch sticking out of his waistcoat. All the ladies heads turned, enthralled by this sexy piece of manfish. Who was he to deny the unwavering lust of the cougars that scratched and pulled each others’ hair to get a taste? When the dust settled, every lady was smoking a post-coital cigarette. The red snapper was nowhere to be seen, but would not soon be forgotten. ìWhat’s the lesson?î you ask. Make an impression, own the room, and you too will be devoured with the right amount of umph. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, calivirgin, cougar, crushed red chili flakes, dapper, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, lemon red snapper recipe, libido, manfish, naked, olive oil, pan-fry, pocket watch, post-coital, recipe, red snapper, salt, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, so dapper red snapper, tasty, three-piece suit, umph, waistcoat, yummy, zest | Permalink
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October 3, 2014
Butterball butternut bust-a-nut
Cook To Bang is nothing without its readership. If a recipe helps someone bang in the woods and no one is there to film it, does it make a moaning sound? I’ll leave that to the philosophers far wiser than me to answer. A massive shout out is due to my man DJ JD of Ottawa, Canada for this recipe. Homeboy came through with a unique and outstanding recipe when I needed it most. I make a point of not dating vegans since they severely limit my palette. But this particular vegan’s beauty is outclassed only by her cheeky personality. Naturally, a classy specimen of humanity deserves a little leeway. So after racking my sex-addled brain for a vegan recipe, I found JD’s email and took it for a test drive. Hot damn! This butternut squash soup made both our heads spin with glee. The vegan vixen was more than pleased. If Cooking To Bang was an Olympic event, JD just won the gold. CUE “Oh, Canada!” Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, black pepper, butter-my-nuts squash soup, butternut squash, butternut squash soup recipe, calivirgin, Canada, classy, coconut milk, curry powder, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, ginger, gold medal, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hearty, homeboy, homemade, HOT LIQUID LOVE, humanity, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, oh Canada, olive oil, Olympics, onion, Ottawa, palette, personality, philosophers, readership, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sex-addled, soup, specimen, tasty, Vancouver, vegan, vegetable stock, vegetarian, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 25, 2014
It will melt in your mouth, your date will melt in your hands.
You know you’re in for a wild ride as soon as this melty concoction hits the tip of your tongue. The first bite should make it clear that you ain’t eating your grandmother’s sandwich. No siree! We’re talking about the next step in culinary evolution. Combining fruit, meat and cheese on bread was the inevitable next step in tasty temptations. Sure you could just make a tuna melt that would put your date to sleep long before you can lay the mack down. But why not just stick your genitals in the freezer? You won’t be needing those anyway. Our world of convenience and innovation demands that you take a few extra steps to get what you REALLY want. This sandwich will only take you a few extra minutes, which will be paid for in dividends when you are reclined, sweaty and gasping for air. This kiwi melt should melt resistance and clothes right off. What are you waiting for? Make New Zealand proud! Read the rest of this entry »
7 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, fusion, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: bacon, bang, banging, brie, cheese, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, English muffin, evolution, fast, fig jam, food, freezer, fruit, game changer, genitals, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, kiwi, kiwi melt in your mouth recipe, kiwi melt recipe, libido, mack, melty, naked, new zealand, recipe, sandwich, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sinwich, tasty, tasty temptation, yummy | Permalink
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Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 