December 7, 2015
It's the happiest ending on Earth!
You want happy ending? You got happy ending. No ending will be quite so happy as the one that follows this meal. If you can’t get laid with mussels and wine, you will never get laid…with this date. Move on. Your pheromones must be reeking of something close to a hippo’s ass if this dish fails to land you in bed. Steamed APHRODISIACS incarnate swimming in a broth of spicy awesomeness will unleash the alpha instinct left dormant by society’s deprogramming. Embrace the power endowed in you and take what is yours. The secret to steamed mussels success is that they are simple to make. But your date doesn’t need to know that. All they should be aware of is that this dish looks, smells and tastes impressive. Think of this dish like some Eurasian rock star that defies classification unless you are classifying something as ethereal. Now get out there and pretend cooking these mussels is worthy of a Nobel Prize! I already received my prize…in the bottom of a box of cereal. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
December 2, 2015
Poking around in the dark never tasted so good.
Aloha, hula girls! Kamana wanna laya. That is Hawaiian for, “Come over and I’ll make you dinner.” At least that’s what the tour guide tart said to me on a tropical rainforest walk. Being the unusual tourist with caustic wit is at least good for something. My lack of fanny-pack, Pearl Harbor commemorative t-shirt, and golf hat gave me away. Eager to get away from the family, and, do I really need a reason to jump into the car of an attractive stranger? This lickable local showed me the real Hawaii, including a real Hawaiian bar where my weak sauce knowledge of surfing lingo was mocked. Lucky for my fragile ego, she took me home after for the promised homemade meal. This babe had a badass blade and sliced up sashimi grade ahi tuna her friend caught that morning. I honestly can’t tell you what was better, the poke or the poking. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, Hawaiian, Japanese, RECIPES | Tagged: ahi tuna, ahi tuna poke recipe, aphrodisiac, appetizer, bang, banging, commemorative t-shirt, crushed red pepper, delicious, DIY, easy, fanny-pack, fingerfood foreplay, food, fragile ego, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, Hawaii, Hawaiian, healthy, honey, intercourse, Japanese, kamana wanna laya, kitchen, libido, lickable, local, marinate, naked, oahu, pearl harbor, poking some poke, raw, recipe, refrigerate, sashimi grade, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sesame seeds, sex, soy sauce, sushi homemade, sushi-grade, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 12, 2015
Lox them up and throw away the key!
Parents, you have been warned. Now that this ridonkulously easy recipe is public knowledge, the world of culinary seduction just got a little easier. All those innocent girls yearning to spread their wings shall descend upon the bait laid out for them. Once they’ve had a taste of this forbidden fruit, all bets are off. I know that the Religious Right are gritting their teeth and preparing a contingency plan. Sorry, suckers. There’s nothing you can do now but pray really HARD. The rest of us will be cooking and BANGING really HARD. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, french, healthy, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, avocado, awesome, bait, bang, boursin, cheese, classy, daughters, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, finger food, fish, french, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, Lox spread, naked, perfect, recipe, seafood, seduce, sex, smoked salmon, spread, tasty, trap, water cracker, wings, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 30, 2015
Of course I'll quese-do-ya!!!
Diddle me this. Diddle me that. Who’s afraid of getting fat? Not I, says the COOK TO BANG chefs who cook healthy, badass food, and then subsequently burn off those calories banging like chimpanzees on meth. So we can afford to indulge in a little turbocharged bar food every once in a while. You deserve to make something ridiculously easy that earns you props from the prissy crowd who “don’t usually indulge in such low brow foods.” So long as they put out after they are put in their place I am down to put up with them. Aren’t the whiners the most satisfying to bang senseless? It’s like wearing out their motor mouths by stuffing they with the tastiest of treats. Ain’t no stopping you from getting some peace…of ass. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, bang, bar food, Chicken mango quesadilla recipe, chicken quesadilla recipe, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, finger food, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hands off, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, mango, mango chicken recipe, mexican, mexico, naked, olive oil, quick, recipe, roast chicken, salt, sampler, seduce, sex, sports bar, tasty, tortilla, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 2, 2015
Lazy days, lazy ways, lazy lays
Sometimes you just want to gloss over the cooking and get right to the banging. Understandably so. But know this, my impatient pupil. You could very well jeopardize your whole skeezy agenda by rushing through. You need to at least appear to make the effort and show something for your trouble. So it better be damn impressive if you are going to throw something edible together in less than 10 minutes. Lucky COOK TO BANG has your back with an excessively simplistic finger food that is also reasonably good for you since you are toasting rather than frying in a pan. Behold the Lazadilla, a quesadilla so tasty, easy, and unmessy, that NASA has hired me to make crate-loads of these for the manned Mission to Mars. Hopefully these can at least convince your date to fly you to the moon. Houston, we have no problem! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, mexican, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, avocado, bang, cilantro, delicious, easy, easy to clean, finger food, first coarse, fresh, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, intercourse, jack cheese, jalapeño, kitchen, lazadilla recipe, mango, mexican, mexico, naked, quesadilla, Quesadilla recipe, recipe, salsa, sex, smoked gouda cheese, spicy, tasty, toast, toasted quesadilla recipe, toaster oven, tomato, tortilla, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 3, 2015
Brie-lieve in yourself, and your date will believe any BS you tell them.
Your idea of fine wine and cheese may be a box of Franzia and cheese whiz on a Ritz. But that road will lead you down a date with your own reflection, or possibly your mom’s bridge club treasurer. You would be much better served taking a few minutes to razzle dazzle your sexy someone with some tricks of the oven. Serving Brie cheese screams out, “I am indeed sophisticated and quite possibly speak French…when I’m not freelancing as an art appraiser for the Royal Family that is.” I concocted this delight after seeing something similar dish at a dinner party. The chef responsible was forced to endure pointed questions about how and what from the cutest girl at the table. Naturally, I took note of both the chef in question’s game and his rock star recipe. Some tweaks were in order to turn it into kryptonite for the most frigid of lust interests. Walnuts make everything better, particularly when brown sugar caramelizes them into a dish heretofore unstoppable. If baked Brie served with bread and a bottle of cabernet won’t get the job done, I suggest a trip to the vet to get neutered.
Ingredients:
1. 1/8 stick of butter
2. 1 handful of crushed walnuts
3. 2 tablespoons of brown sugar
4. 5 thin slices of a pear
5. 1 pie piece of Brie cheese
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 300 degrees. Grease a baking pan with a little butter. Use the pear slices as a bed for the brie to sit on top of. Use the rest of the butter and spread over the brie. Spread the brown sugar evenly over the brie/butter. Finally crown it all with the walnuts like the royalty that it is.
Step 2
Throw your culinary creation into the oven and bake for 30 minutes. The brown sugar will be caramelized and the cheese supple as a Vestal Virgin. Serve on plate with slices of French bread or crackers and let the wanton lust take control of the mighty impressed object of your affection.
1 Comment | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, baked, baked brie, brown sugar, caramelized, cheese, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, pear, simple, sliced French bread, walnuts | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 14, 2015
All hail Caesar Salad!
The classics deserve much props and little improvisation. You can’t get much more perfect than the Caesar Salad. Like a great lover, it is crisp, moist and creamy in all the right places. No wonder this salad is so universal on plates across the world. Now is your chance to wow even the most discriminate date with this simple DIY Caesar Salad from scratch. Once you make this ridiculously easy salad once, sequels by the dozen are sure to follow. This salad works perfectly as a starter before a blow-their-mind entrée, or can stand alone as a lunch. It was the perfect follow up course to the sultry French Onion Soup I served. Naturally, my date was satisfied to her core with such simplicity. She pounced like a wildcat before I could even finish. My only regret is that the lettuce wilted before I could eat the rest. I can always make more and more and more. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: anchovy, appetizer, bake, bang, Caesar salad, Caesar salad from scratch, chicken, chicken Caesar salad, country club, delicious, Dijon, easy, fancy, fast, from scratch, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grill, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leafy and lovely, lunch, naked, parmesan, recipe, romaine, romance, salad, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, toss your salad, Worcestershire, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 5, 2015
“It takes 2 to make a thing go right. It takes 2 to make it out of sight.” – Rob Base
You gotta love appetizer and wine dates. Combine these perfect companions and the two of you will be combined soon enough. If one of you brings the wine and the other the appetizer, you’ll need to figure out who’s bringing the condoms. These miniature caprese salads on a stick are easy to make, easy to take on the go, plus you can hand feed each other. It doesn’t get more sensual and primitive than that. Who loves you? Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, summer, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bang, banging, basil, buffalo mozzarella, caprese salad recipe, cherry tomatoes, condoms, delicious, DIY, easy, finger food, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hand feed, homemade, hor d’oeuvres, intercourse, it takes two, kitchen, libido, mini-capreses, naked, olive oil, primitive, recipe, rob base, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sensual, sex, starter, tasty, toothpicks, undress me, vegetarian, wine, wine appetizer date, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 1, 2015
Why spend another Friday night at home pissed off at yet another flake?
My number one frustration in the dating scene is flakes. Nothing pisses me off more than having a date lined up for the night and getting a call, or worse, a text message with some half-baked excuse about a forgotten lobotomy appointment. I erase their phone numbers on the spot and wipe their existence from my memory banks. This happens to all of us, especially with those you pick up without the benefit of an acquaintance’s introduction. Thems the breaks of being on the prowl. So what’s a player to do to avoid becoming a victim of the better offer? Wow the living shit out of them with a memorable meal. Granted these flaky whores and douches need to sample your cuisine first. But once they do, flaking will be the last thing on their mind. Their concern will be staying in your good graces so they never miss one of your epic meals. Crab cakes send a clear message that you are a keeper and deserve the utmost respect and courtesy. There are millions of sexy singles who would gladly take their place at your dinner table and boudoir. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, asian, Cajun, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, RECIPES, seafood, SEDUCTION, southern | Tagged: appetizer, bang, banging, better offer, boudoir, breadcrumbs, Chesapeake bay, cilantro, crab cake recipe, delicious, DIY, douches, dust, easy, egg, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fish sauce, flake, flaky, flour, food, fry, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, half-baked, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, lobotomy, lump crab meat, mango, Maryland, memorable, mix, naked, never flakes crab cakes, on the prowl, recipe, red bell pepper, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, singles, tasty, text message, vegetable oil, whores, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 26, 2015
Hummus = Hummer, simple as that
Bing bang boom! When you hear that sound, you know it’s on. It’s pretty much on as soon as your date sees you make homemade hummus. They will be puzzled at the simplicity, your mastery of the food blender, and this uncanny ability to serve them exactly what they want. Don’t question the logic. Go with it giving your most defiant stare of FUCK YEAH! There’s no need to say anything. The creamy, flavor-packed Middle Eastern condom-ment will say it for you. Your date will innately understand that they have a goddamn legend-in-the-making on their hands and acquiesce to your most perverted demands. See you in the Elysian Fields! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, Middle Eastern, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, Arabic, bang, banging, basil, delicious, DIY, easy, elysian fields, fast, finger food, food, game changer, garbanzo beans, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, hummunna hummunna hummus recipe, intercourse, Israeli, kitchen, lemon, libido, Middle Eastern, naked, olive oil, Palestinian, pita bread, puree, recipe, red pepper hummus recipe, roasted red peppers, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 