November 16, 2015
On the ninth day of Hanukkah, give your date your body as the final gift.
Happy Hanukkah! I have banged enough ladies of the Jewish faith to make me an honorary Jew. So I understand the importance of latkes or potato pancakes to the uninitiated. They are ridiculously simple to make, delicious beyond compare, and give a sense of comfort. Those qualities are important when it comes to seducing the Chosen People. You need to put your best foot forward to impress this lot with discerning tastes and banging booties. Getting lucky requires a certain amount of gumption taking destiny in your own hands. Making perfect potato pancakes will position you nicely. Spin the dreidel like you spun the bottle pre-Bar Mitzvah. That’s two minutes in the closet, right after you finish your latkes!
Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Wine, wine and more wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. Applesauce
3. Sour Cream
4. 2 dashes paprika
5. 2 dashes black pepper
6. 2 dashes salt
7. 2 potatoes
8. ½ JALEPENO diced finely
9. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
10. 1 egg
11. 1 lime wedge
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Peel the potatoes and shred them (either use a food processor, cheese grater or peeler if you must). Combine the taters with jalapeños, 2/3 of the green onions, salt, pepper, paprika, limejuice and eggs. Mix thoroughly.
Step 2
Grease a baking pan with olive oil and then lay out 6 separate pancakes, leaving room in between them. Bake until the top end is brown (approx 30 min) and flip cooking until that side browns (approx 15 min).
Step 3
Plate up the latkes and garnish them with the traditional applesauce, sour cream and remaining sour cream.
I wish you a preemptive “Mazel Tov!” for when you get laid serving up these latkes.
Leave a Comment » | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, holidays, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple sauce, bake, baked latke recipe, bang, banging, banging booties, black pepper, calivirgin, chosen people, delicious, DIY, dreidel, easy, egg, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, hanukkah, homemade, intercourse, jalapeño, jew, jewish, kitchen, latke recipe, libido, lime, mazel tov, naked, olive oil, paprika, potatoes, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sour cream, spicy latke recipe, spin the bottle, tasty, two minutes in the closet, vegetarian, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
November 11, 2015
Lickable leeks + penetrated potatoes = sensual soup
Nothing can top a good leeking. Pull your mind out of the gutter because I speak only of soup and soup-related matters. And on the subject of soup, you can’t really beat hot liquid love. No, siree! This soup almost makes you wish the winter would drag on. To those snowed in with cabin fever, I said ALMOST. After hauling your ass in from the brutal bitch slap of old man winter you want something hearty to bro-hug you back to life. Lucky for you, potatoes and leeks keep quite well until the bitter end of frost. So do us all a favor and put the gun down and pick up a knife…to cut some veggies. We have abstained from using heavy, fattening cream in the hope that you don’t abstain from banging afterwards. As comforting and gratifying as this healthy, homemade soup is, there is no substitute for a warm body to touch inappropriately. So let one lead into the other. This recipe was brought to you by the International Association of Soup Groups. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, winter | Tagged: bacon, bang, brown sugar, butter, comfort food, delicious, easy, flavorful, fresh, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, healthy potato leek soup, hearty, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leek, leeking, low fat, naked, old man winter, olive oil, Potato leek soup recipe, potatoes, recipe, romance, salt, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, soup group, stew, tasty, therapeutic, turkey bacon, vegetable stock, vegetarian, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 2, 2015
-
- Rub and rub, inspire the love
This one goes out to all the carnivores out there with apologies to my vegan readers. After countless e-mails demanding carnage and threats to my life from the Beef lobbying arm, I have snapped to like a scared little lamb. Or was that calf? Rubbing hunks of meat up and down with tender care is a delicate art like origami or sword swallowing. So I caution you to take it ever so slowly, never rushing the process until it’s go time. When it’s finally time to put your meat to the heat, then you better be quick on your toes. Pan searing to perfection is no joke, blokes. Be quick on your feet and never miss a beat if you intend for your eats to end the night sweet. Somewhere in the distance a single tear rolls down a delicious cow’s cheek. Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | beef, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: apologies, bang, banging, beef, beef lobby, black pepper, calivirgin, carnage, carnivore, cow, delicious, DIY, easy, flip, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, greensbury market, guarantee, homemade, hunk of meat, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, origami, pan-sear, pan-seared rib eye recipe, paprika, recipe, rib eye steak, rub, rub my rib eye steak recipe, sea salt, season, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, skillet, steak, sword swallowing, tasty, vegan, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 1, 2015
Poonchiladas = Poonany – Math To Bang
I can’t go a week without banging out a new perverse recipe for Mexican food. There is something so comforting and snuggly about the ability of food South of the border (US, obv) to put an ear-to-ear grin on my face. It’s an instant crowd pleasure from a party full of dudes obsessively watching the playoffs to the sexy number you share a quiet Thursday evening with the lights down low. The best part is Mexican grub like these Poonchiladas are so easy to make that a jellyfish with a blindfold pull it off. True story. My arm is still throbbing from being stung, but the jellyfish’s was out of sight. No matter what nature show hosts might tell you, jellyfish sex is not that kinky. So what are you waiting for? If a invertebrate with only tentacles can pull off Poonchiladas, then certain you can CTB with this dish. Right? Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, bar food, black olives, blindfold, cheddar cheese, Chicano, chicken enchiladas recipe, comfort food, corn tortillas, crowd pleaser, delicious, DIY, easy, enchilada, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, invertebrate, jack cheese, jellyfish, kinky sex, kitchen, lemon, libido, mexican, mexico, naked, nature show host, NBA playoffs, NHL playoffs, olive oil, playoffs, poonchiladas recipe, recipe, red enchilada sauce, salt, seduce, sex, shredded Mexican cheese, simple chicken enchiladas recipe, skinless chicken breast, tailgate, tailgating, tasty, turn the light down low, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 30, 2015
Of course I'll quese-do-ya!!!
Diddle me this. Diddle me that. Who’s afraid of getting fat? Not I, says the COOK TO BANG chefs who cook healthy, badass food, and then subsequently burn off those calories banging like chimpanzees on meth. So we can afford to indulge in a little turbocharged bar food every once in a while. You deserve to make something ridiculously easy that earns you props from the prissy crowd who “don’t usually indulge in such low brow foods.” So long as they put out after they are put in their place I am down to put up with them. Aren’t the whiners the most satisfying to bang senseless? It’s like wearing out their motor mouths by stuffing they with the tastiest of treats. Ain’t no stopping you from getting some peace…of ass. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, bang, bar food, Chicken mango quesadilla recipe, chicken quesadilla recipe, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, finger food, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hands off, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, mango, mango chicken recipe, mexican, mexico, naked, olive oil, quick, recipe, roast chicken, salt, sampler, seduce, sex, sports bar, tasty, tortilla, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 25, 2015
Blue 42, blue 42, hut hut bang!
Welcome to Part II of the 2010 CTB Super Bowl recipe throw down. For the uninitiated or those lacking cognitive reasoning, jambalaya is a dish native to Louisiana, New Orleans in particular. Therefore this dish is dedicated to the New Orleans Saints. My life is too consumed with cooking and banging to pay much attention to football stats. The Saints or the Colts could triumph and it wouldn’t make any difference so long as I have someone warm and cuddly in my bed that night. But in terms of the Food Bowl, New Orleans crushes Indianapolis hands down. The cuisine down South is like a wet dream jumping right off my plate and down my pantaloons. It might be the French influence, it might be the innovations of American ancestors, it might be that I am totally gay for spicy food. I wager all three. But you will turn a few heads with this dish that feeds the hungry, unwashed masses. So whomever you’re cheering for, you will leave a winner with phone numbers and possibly a football-loving hottie on your arm. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | Cajun, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, poultry, RECIPES, southern, spicy, sports, Super bowl | Tagged: ancestors, andouille sausage, bang, banging, bell peppers, black pepper, Cajun, Cajun seasoning, chicken, chicken stock, creole, cuisine, delicious, dip, DIY, easy, food, football, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, Indianapolis colts, intercourse, jamabalaya recipe, kitchen, lemon, libido, Louisiana, naked, New Orleans, new Orleans saints, nfl, olive oil, onion, pantaloons, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slow cook, south, southern, spicy, Super bowl, tasty, tomato paste, tomatoes, unwashed masses, white rice, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 23, 2015
You are the pimp and your date is your whore-tilla
Are you cursed with dating prudes who just don’t put out? This is not unlike slamming your finger in a car door, but it’s your self-esteem that cries out in pain. Your first problem is that you shouldn’t try to pick up prospective dates at a Jonas Brothers concert. And even if you are a sucker who thinks meeting a nice girl or boy is the way to go, Cook To Bang like a champ and you will make that purity rings land perfectly in the trash with nothing but net. I have faith that you can turn the rosy-cheeked innocent into your sex slave with the right approach. That’s why I developed this hearty tortilla soup for you. It’s quite healthy, has an APHRODISIAC double threat, and seems wholesome at first glance. That is exactly how you should operate. Get in under the radar and then turn your date out. Turn that nun or choirboy into your own personal whore. Now hear yourself ROAR! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, mexican, RECIPES, spanish, spicy | Tagged: Anaheim chili, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, cheese, chicken, chicken broth, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hearty, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lime, mexican, mexico, naked, olive oil, onion, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, soup, spicy, tasty, tomato, Tortilla soup recipe, tortilla strip recipe, tortillas, warm, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 16, 2015
KA-BOOM! This dish will shake the room.
KA-BOOM! Don’t worry your pretty little head. It’s not North Korea or Russia dropping bombs. This bomb is going off in your mouth and then in your pants. The APHRODISIAC quantities have been quadrupled to ensure you get your based needs met. It’s sort of like napalming an entire jungle to take out one sniper. Overkill? Perhaps. But the job gets done and you get off. This overzealous approach happens to offer banging flavor blasts that should keep you popping, locking and dropping trow. Finally you have a reason to get up out of bed where you have someone slumbering peaceful and naked. Wake them up with a mouthful of eggs and a crotch full of you. KA-BLOOEY! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, aphrodisiac booty bomb scramble, aphrodisiac scramble recipe, asparagus, avocado, bang, banging, black beans, black pepper, bomb, calivirgin, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, explosion, food, game changer, get laid, goat cheese, gourmet, green chili, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, iran, ka-boom, kitchen, libido, naked, napalm, north korea, olive oil, overkill, recipe, salt, sauté, scramble, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sniper, tasty, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 11, 2015
She Bangs, He Bangs, Ke-Bangs!
Let’s be honest here. You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t like banging. Right? If you thought this site was for carpentry where you learn how to bang hammer to nail…forgive me my trespassing. I am nothing like Jesus the carpenter or Son of God, unless you count the ripped abs from all that stretching on the crucifix. But I do offer you recipes reserved for the gods so in some ways you aren’t totally off. Here we have classic middle-eastern nosh that Jesus may have sampled during one of his hangouts with his twelve adoring homies AKA apostles. Kebabs are simple and perfect for those waning days of summer. Grill, broil it, munch it. Each bite brings you closer to God. Amen to that! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, Middle Eastern, poultry, RECIPES, summer | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apostle, bang, banging, blacken, broil, calivirgin, carpenter, chicken, crucifix, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, god, gourmet, grill, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, jesus, kitchen, lance, lemon juice, libido, naked, olive oil, onion, paprika, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, silk squash, squash ke-bangs, squash kebab recipe, summer, tasty, trespassing, turmeric, yellow squash, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 9, 2015
Get their curry in a flurry 'til their eyes go blurry.
Rule #1 of gaming is to never be too eager. Desperation is herpes to your prospects. Why rush the inevitable by being a needy little bitch? The best seductions simmer to the point you can’t resist taking a nibble. Serve it up too soon and you will barely enjoy the undercooked, underwhelming sensations to follow. Don’t repeat my tragic blunders by rushing the vibe when it ain’t solid. The only thing you’ll have is a shiny new pair of blue balls. Granted there are certain opportunities to pounce on post haste. These are fun, but fleeting. When it comes creating something exceptional, a little restraint never hurt nobody no how. I’m not suggesting pussing out entirely like some chump. Just know when to hold ‘em; know when to fold ‘em; and know when to bang ‘em. Now savor every last morsel of their curry, champ! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, spicy, thai, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, blue balls, blunder, cilantro, coconut milk, delicious, desperation, DIY, eager, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, naked, never hurry their curry recipe, olive oil, onion, post haste, pussing, recipe, red curry, rushing the vibe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simmer, tasty, thai, Thailand, vegan, vegetarian, vegetarian red curry recipe, yummy, zucchini | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 