May 1, 2015
Why spend another Friday night at home pissed off at yet another flake?
My number one frustration in the dating scene is flakes. Nothing pisses me off more than having a date lined up for the night and getting a call, or worse, a text message with some half-baked excuse about a forgotten lobotomy appointment. I erase their phone numbers on the spot and wipe their existence from my memory banks. This happens to all of us, especially with those you pick up without the benefit of an acquaintance’s introduction. Thems the breaks of being on the prowl. So what’s a player to do to avoid becoming a victim of the better offer? Wow the living shit out of them with a memorable meal. Granted these flaky whores and douches need to sample your cuisine first. But once they do, flaking will be the last thing on their mind. Their concern will be staying in your good graces so they never miss one of your epic meals. Crab cakes send a clear message that you are a keeper and deserve the utmost respect and courtesy. There are millions of sexy singles who would gladly take their place at your dinner table and boudoir. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | 
aphrodisiac, asian, Cajun, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, RECIPES, seafood, SEDUCTION, southern | Tagged: appetizer, bang, banging, better offer, boudoir, breadcrumbs, Chesapeake bay, cilantro, crab cake recipe, delicious, DIY, douches, dust, easy, egg, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fish sauce, flake, flaky, flour, food, fry, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, half-baked, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, lobotomy, lump crab meat, mango, Maryland, memorable, mix, naked, never flakes crab cakes, on the prowl, recipe, red bell pepper, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, singles, tasty, text message, vegetable oil, whores, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
April 15, 2015
I’m sure you’ll chase these bunnies down the rabbit hole
Celebrate like a proper American. Freedom, baby, yeah! Indulge in all your liberties, including those only legal in certain Nevada counties. While I personally don’t pay to bang (I cook, remember?), I certainly exchange goods (my awesome food) for sexual favors. Make your own backyard into your bunny ranch. If you are good enough, perhaps you can bang the local cougars for quick cash while they send their hubbies out for more hamburger buns. This simple drink is perfect for drinking all day in the sun with those you wish to bang. It’s especially enjoyable floating in a pool surrounded by hard bodies. So relax from all your labors and drink up. How else will we pull ourselves out of recession?
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Eating Buddy: Any GRILLED GOODIES
Ingredients (per drink):
1. 2 shots silver tequila
2. Club soda
3. Ice
4. ½ lime
5. 1 small handful mint leaves
6. 2 STRAWBERRIES
Step 1
Fill each glass halfway up with ice. Squeeze ½ a lime into each, dropping the rinds into cup. Crush the strawberries in your hands and drop into the class. Toss in a small handful of mint leaves. Pour in the tequila. Fill the rest of the glass with club soda and top each glass up with ice.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, libation lubrication, RECIPES | Tagged: alcohol, America, backyard, bang, banging, bbq, booze, bunny ranch water recipe, Carson city, club soda, cougars, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grilling, guarantee, hard bodies, homemade, ice, intercourse, kitchen, labor day, libation lubrication, libido, lime, mint, moonlite bunny ranch, naked, Nevada, pool, ranch water recipe, recipe, refreshing, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, strawberries, tasty, tequila, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 30, 2015
This entree is dreamier than all the boy bands mixed together in a blender.
This fish is as dreamy as a 1950’s teen hearthrob. All the girls in poodle skirts want a chance to go to the drive-in with this Indonesian delight. It’s so dreamy, so steamy, so extremey! There’s a do wop band already concocting a song about that “Steamy, dreamy fish…do wop tra la la la you got your wish!” It’s taking the world by storm. Don’t you want to fit in with the popular crowd? Then I suggest you invite the captain of the football team or cheerleading squad over for dinner pronto. This aphrodisiac triple-threat is a hell of a lot healthier than that microwave dinner. Classier too! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: 1950’s icon, aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, cilantro, delicious, DIY, do wop band, dreamy steamy fish recipe, drive-in, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, healthy, homemade, Indonesia, Indonesian, intercourse, kitchen, libido, microwave dinner, naked, poodle skirt, popular crowd, recipe, red snapper, salt, scallions, sea bass, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chilies, sex, soft fish, soft tofu, soy sauce, spicy, steam, tasty, white pepper, wok, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 26, 2015
Hummus = Hummer, simple as that
Bing bang boom! When you hear that sound, you know it’s on. It’s pretty much on as soon as your date sees you make homemade hummus. They will be puzzled at the simplicity, your mastery of the food blender, and this uncanny ability to serve them exactly what they want. Don’t question the logic. Go with it giving your most defiant stare of FUCK YEAH! There’s no need to say anything. The creamy, flavor-packed Middle Eastern condom-ment will say it for you. Your date will innately understand that they have a goddamn legend-in-the-making on their hands and acquiesce to your most perverted demands. See you in the Elysian Fields! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, Middle Eastern, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, Arabic, bang, banging, basil, delicious, DIY, easy, elysian fields, fast, finger food, food, game changer, garbanzo beans, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, hummunna hummunna hummus recipe, intercourse, Israeli, kitchen, lemon, libido, Middle Eastern, naked, olive oil, Palestinian, pita bread, puree, recipe, red pepper hummus recipe, roasted red peppers, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 23, 2015
Tequila = boozy floozies in a jacuzzis
Ever just start speaking in rhymes?
Happens at the most inconvenient times?
Dr. Seuss crawled down your throat?
Like someone’s always getting your goat?
Bust out some tangy lime and tequila
Your date is sure to touch and feel ya.
So rather than whine, bitch, and groan
Make pasta so good they will moan
I shall refrain from babbling all night
This rhyming even gives me a fright
Guys, don’t just play with your wang
Good forth, my friends, Cook To Bang!
Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, italian, Mediterranean, mexican, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: al dente, babbling, bang, banging, boil, boozy, calivirgin, chicken, coconut milk, delicious, DIY, dr Seuss, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, groan, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, moan, naked, olive oil, onion, recipe, red bell pepper, rhymes, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shots, sonnet, spaghetti, tangy, tasty, tequila, tequila lime pasta recipe, tequila lime rhyme time pasta, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 10, 2015
If you’re looking for trouble, you’ve come to the right site.
If you’re looking at this site, you are most certainly asking for trouble. This is not a nice blog to share with your grandmother. Perhaps your mom, if she’s open-minded or a hot MILF. The Cook To Bang staff warns you that our content may cause increased heart rate and libido. But can you blame us? We are all hopped up on this Atkins-friendly low-carb protein-blast salad. Every bite brings us closer to walking confidentially in thongs in South Beach. We employed the countless fad diets and a massive dose of steroids to make us beach ready. You’re wondering if the risks to my health and mental state for bedlam rock-star food orgies were worth it. You think this hot ass and glistening bedroom muscles are some accident? Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, fusion, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asking for trouble, atkins, atkins for trouble burger salad, avocado, bang, banging, barbecue sauce, bbq sauce, bedroom muscles, black pepper, burger salad recipe, carbs, carrots, cilantro, delicious, DIY, dr. atkins, easy, egg, fad diets, food, food orgies, food orgy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, greens, grill, ground beef, ground turkey, guarantee, hard-boiled, homemade, hot ass, intercourse, kitchen, libido, milf, naked, olive oil, raspberry vinaigrette, recipe, rock star, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, south beach, south beach diet, spinach, steroids, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 27, 2015
This dessert was NOT approved by the Girl Scouts of America.
Sometimes the way to lure in a hottie is to appeal to their inner fatty. Don’t make a habit out of it or the fatty will take over like the Dark Side took over Darth Vader. But indulging every once in a while, or more than that if you’re like me, is what life is all about. Balance those small doses of decadence with a few hours of calorie-burning screaming orgasms. Burn enough fat and you deserve another round of Thin Mint Fatties. They are delicious, refreshing, and quick to assemble so you’ll be back to the tainted task at hand in no time. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | dairy, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: balance, bang, banging, butterscotch, calorie-burning, caramel, cookies, darth vader, decadence, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, fattie, food, game changer, get laid, girl scout cookies, gourmet, guarantee, haagen daz, homemade, hottie, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, quick, recipe, refreshing, screaming orgasms, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, star wars, sweets, tasty, thin mint fatties, thin mints, vanilla ice crea, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 25, 2015
This waffle party is like the firework grand finale in your mouth.
Celebrate American Independence from those tax-collecting limeys. Those redcoats just took and took and never bothered to give their colonists a reach around. King George shouldn’t have been surprised when they stopped sucking him off with a smile. Perhaps if the British were more inclined to reciprocate with the oral gratification Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, and the rest of their posse wouldn’t object to being colonial fluffers. But alas, history unfolded and now the yanks are free from British money shots splattering their bespectacled, wig-wearing faces. If not the taxes and tariffs, chances are the Yankees would have rebelled against the piss poor British cuisine. So celebrate Independence Day with a distinctly American dessert. Oh say can you see? Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: America, American, aphrodisiac, bake, baked chocolate strawberry waffle, bang, banging, bespectacled, british, colonial, colony, cuisine, dark chocolate, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, eggo, fluffer, food, fourth of july, franklin, frozen waffles, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, heavy whipping cream, history, homemade, independence day, intercourse, Jefferson, july 4th, king george, kitchen, libido, limeys, money shot, naked, oral gratification, powdered sugar, reach around, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, strawberries, sweet, tariffs, tasty, taxes, vanilla, waffle party usa recipe, Washington, Whipped cream, Yankees, yanks, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 25, 2015
Make sure they’re on their knees begging before serving them what they want.
They’ll beg and beg and beg. Let them. It’s only natural. They want what you got. Basic law of supply and demand. Make like OPEC fixing the price of your commodities. Make outrageous demands they have no choice but to meet. It’s not like they can go elsewhere. Right? You’re wondering about alternative sources of sexual energy? Ha! There is no substitute for the man tested, woman approved real thing. 4 billion years of Earthlings banging can’t be wrong. So embrace the goods granted to you by God, evolution or your preferred “Where did we come from?” dogma. Now make them beg long and HARD. Afterwards, serve them breakfast as a reward for the respect shown. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bacon, bang, banging, basil, beg a dick, breakfast, butter, cayenne pepper, dairy, delicious, dijon mustard, DIY, dogma, early, earthlings, easy, eggs, eggs beg-a-dick, eggs benedict recipe, English muffin, evolution, food, game changer, get laid, god, gourmet, gourmet eggs benedict, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, morning, MORNING WOOD, naked, oil, opec, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sunrise, supply and demand, tasty, turkey bacon, veggie bacon, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 20, 2015
Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn. Say what? Cook To Bang at your pad would be WAY easier.
Some food makes you go “Yum!” Other food inspires “Yuk!” Every once in a while you’ll do a “Say what?” double take. This is the reaction you want when you Cook to Bang. Otherwise you’re wasting everybody’s time, especially your own. Make an impression or make love to yourself at the end of the date. The only way to inspire (nakedness) is to be inspired yourself. I approach each date with giddiness reserved for teenage girls who spot a vampire heartthrob brooding in his own special emo way. That way “Say what?” reaction to banging cuisine is quickly followed by, “The bedroom is this way.” Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Caribbean, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bang, banging, beer, bread crumbs, coconut shrimp recipe, deep-fried, delicious, DIY, easy, finger food, food, foreplay, game changer, get laid, giddiness, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, inspire, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, panko, recipe, say what?, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shredded coconut, shrimp, sweet chili sauce, tasty, teenage girls, vampire heartthrob, vegetable oil, yuk, yum, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 