November 24, 2015
I cream, you cream, we all cream from my filthy food dreams!
I suggest bringing a change of underwear for this one. Decadent doesn’t begin to describe this supernova of creaminess found in this holiday side dish. Don’t feel too embarrassed by your “accident” while eating Cook To Bang style creamed spinach. Chances are everyone else you serve it to will also lose control of their sexual organs and cream in a symphony of sensuality. Expect a flavor orgy. The Thanksgiving may well be swept right off the table as your Friends Thanksgiving turns into a Friends With Benefits Thanksgiving. If you are looking for a more muted, PG-rated side dish you have come to the wrong place. This is the culinary pleasure dome and you are the guest of honor. Serve this dish to a pack of holiday hotties and you will always be the guest of honor.
Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 dash black pepper
2. 1 dash salt
3. 2 dashes ground nutmeg
4. ½ cup heavy cream
5. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
6. 1 large handful shallots finely chopped
7. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
8. 2 cloves garlic finely chopped
9. 1½ lb fresh spinach
Step 1
Wash your spinach thoroughly, chop off the thick stocks and boil for 2 minutes. Drain the spinach, straining out as much of the water as you can squeeze.
Step 2
Melt the butter in a pan and sauté the garlic and shallots until they become translucent (approx 3 min). Add the spinach, salt, black pepper, nutmeg and pine nuts heat through (approx 2 min). Finally add the heavy cream and cook until the cream reduces in half (approx 2 min).
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, holidays, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, southern, THANKSGIVING, vegetarian | Tagged: accident, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, bangsgiving, black pepper, cream in your pants, cream in your pants spinach recipe, creamed spinach recipe, dairy, decadent, delicious, DIY, easy, fattening, flavor orgy, food, friends thanksgiving, friends with benefits, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, gourmet creamed spinach recipe, guarantee, guest of honor, heavy cream, holiday hotties, holidays, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, nutmeg, orgasm, pg-rated, pine nuts, premature ejaculation, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sexual organs, shallots, side dish, spinach, symphony of sensuality, tasty, THANKSGIVING, turkey, unsalted butter, vegetarian, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
November 20, 2015
There's so much to be thankful for...give some banging in return.
Tonight is the night. Whether you came home to see the relatives or are treating your closest friends like the family you bang, shit is going off this evening. This one goes out to all the people traveling to their hometowns who will catch up with old friends the Thanksgiving Eve. Odds are you will catch up on old times, tell lies about what you’re doing with your life, and drink yourselves into oblivion. This is the perfect recipe for banging that hottie you always wanted in high school, but never had the game to pull it off. The new you lacks that doubt that kept you from consummating a crush you likely slapped your genitals around over. Should the nerve of someone with nothing to lose (at this point, who cares?) still not stand at attention, you got one hell of a festive drink to inspire some courage. Thanksgiving in a martini glass will just about do it. These go down smooth so be careful. You don’t want to do the walk of shame right into your family’s Thanksgiving dinner.
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Eating Buddy: Anything and everything Thanksgiving themed
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can pear nectar
2. 3 shots vanilla vodka
3. 1 tbsp pumpkin butter
4. Ice
5. 2 cinnamon sticks
Step 1
Combine the pumpkin butter, vanilla vodka, pear nectar, and ice in a martini shaker. Shake it vigorously like you did in high school when you couldn’t get banged if your dweeby life depended on it. Pour the contents into a martini glass and garnish with a cinnamon stick.
Drink ‘em up, drink ‘em down. Become that drunken clown!
1 Comment | fusion, holidays, libation lubrication, RECIPES, THANKSGIVING | Tagged: alcohol, bang, banging, bangsgiving, bangsgiving bevvy, booze, cinnamon sticks, delicious, DIY, drunk, easy, family, fantasizing, food, friends thanksgiving, game changer, genitals, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, high school crush, holiday thanksgiving, holidays, homecoming, homemade, ice, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, oblivion, old friends, parents, pear nectar, pumpkin butter, pumpkin martini recipe, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shaken not stirred, tasty, thanksgiving dinner, thanksgiving martini recipe, the new you, unsalted vegetarian, vanilla vodka, walk of shame, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 18, 2015
Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella’s, but with way more umph!
Halloween is upon us. Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined. Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite for destruction. Unspeakable acts of mayhem and perversion have occurred on my Halloween watch. The fact I don’t remember much of it seems beside the point. The pretentious side of me finds the whole transformation thing very Kafka, while the idiotic derelict in me just thinks it’s a great excuse become reckless. So I always apply this theory to my pumpkins each year. My Halloween tradition is to purchase two pumpkins, one to carve into sarcastic social commentary, and the other less pretty pumpkin I demand for free becomes something delicious. So I pimped my pumpkin into a soup with Thai-style flavor. The lucky lady who joined me for the jack-off-lantern carving party did agree and demonstrated her appreciation the old fashioned way…orally.
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITOS
Ingredients (for six):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 4 cups chicken stock (use vegetable stock to make vegan)
3. 2 cups coconut milk
4. 2-3 lb pumpkin
5. Salt at your discretion
6. 1 teaspoon dried lemongrass
7. 1 onion chopped coarsely
8. 1 small handful of freshly sliced GINGER
9. Lime wedges to squeeze into soup
Step 1
Cut the ends off the pumpkin, skin it, slice in half, scoop out the seeds and gunk, and slice into chunks.
Step 2
Sauté the ginger and onions with 1 tbsp of olive oil, spicing it with lemongrass (approx 5 min). Add the pumpkin, throw in the remaining olive oil and sauté until the pumpkins soften (approx 7 min).
Step 3
Add the stock and bring to a boil. Turn the heat down low and simmer (approx 35 min). Puree the soup, add the coconut milk, and heat through. Squeeze some lime into each bowl you ladle up.
Serve up this with some Thai NOODLES and you’re sure to have a happy ending.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, spicy, thai, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetite for destruction, bang, banging, calivirgin, chicken stock, coconut milk, delicious, DIY, easy, fall, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, Halloween, harvest, homemade, intercourse, jack-o-lantern, jack-off-lantern, kafka, kitchen, lemongrass, libido, limejuice, mayhem, naked, olive oil, onion, perversion, pimpin’ pumpkin soup recipe, puree, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, spicy, tasty, thai, thai style pumpkin soup recipe, Thailand, transformation, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 26, 2015
Wango Tango Bango!
The tango is an Argentinean dance unparalleled in its complexity. Yet it is oh so much more than an awesome way to sweep someone off their feet in Buenos Aires. The seductive essence of tango runs deep in all things done with panache. You can tango on the tennis court, in the kitchen, and most decisively in the bedroom. Tango requires skill, passion and attitude unparalleled. But you are clearly clever enough since you are reading this. Pulling off a culinary seduction tango should be no more difficult than unsnapping a bra. So invite over the vivacious vegetarian, or vegan if you have the patience, or just someone sexy who likes fabulous food. Keep that rose in your teeth as you serenade them from the dining room to the bedroom. Bravo! Bravo! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, greek, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Argentina, argentine, Argentinean, avocado, baked, bang, bra, bravo, Buenos Aires, cayenne pepper, cheddar cheese, cilantro, corn tortillas, dance, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, panache, paprika, pepper, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, sex, spicy, tango, tasty, tofu, tofu taco recipe, Tofu taco tango, tomato onion, tomato paste, vegan, vegetable oil, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 16, 2015
If you don’t like succulent food, you can suck it.
Can you slice a watermelon with a katana blade? Do you use nunchucks to pound out pizza dough? Can you catch a fly with chopsticks? Then you are a kitchen ninja. Clearly your rigorous training has paid off because your culinary concoctions are deadly delicious. You make the knuckleheads competing on Top Chef look like low-level samurai sous chefs. Now it’s time to drop a sake bomb in your home kitchen in the ultimate mission: sexual culinary conquest. There’s an unattainable geisha whose lotus flower has not been plucked in many rice harvests. It’s time to mix your Japanese fighting style with some Western flavor to make funky fusion food. Assemble your fiercest weapon: APHRODISIACS and make your sensei proud. Should you fail, you must perform hari-kari. Now go get ‘em, you nasty ninjas! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, french, fusion, Japanese, RECIPES, seafood, SINWICHES | Tagged: ahi, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, burger, delicious, easy, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, hamburger buns, intercourse, Japanese, kitchen, lime, mayonnaise, naked, recipe, romance, sandwich, seared ahi sandwich recipe, seared ahi tuna, SEDUCTION, sesame seeds, sex, sprouts, succulent, sushi, Sushi sandwich recipe, sushi-grade, tasty, tomato, tuna, tuna burger recipe, wasabi, wasabi mayonnaise recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 9, 2015
Mamacita Carnitas will make you bang like cheetahs
Hey hey Mamacita!
So glad to meet ya!
Come over, I’ll treat ya
So sit and down eat, yah?
Mexican food brings me much joy and comfort. Somehow I don’t feel unique for that. Pretty much every date I’ve served sumptuous South of the border nibbles responds in kind. The hot like a cheetah mamacita just comes out. It’s on at that point with no turning back. You can’t close Pandora’s box of bodacious body bumping. So heed my disclaimer: Unimaginable pleasure will result from whipping these carnitas up. Those with whack taste buds and distaste for debauchery should probably find a new recipe site. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, brown sugar, carnitas recipe, cayenne pepper, chicken breast, chicken carnitas recipe, cilantro, corn tortillas, debauchery, delicious, details magazine, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, mamacita carnitas, mexican, mexico, naked, onion, orange, Pandora’s box, paul kahan, pork, pork butt, poultry, recipe, salsa, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chili, sex, south of the border, spicy, tasty, tomatillo salsa, vegetable oil, water, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 5, 2015
Dont be a prick-ly pear.
All earthly creatures do it in their own way. Giraffes do it standing up, their long necks intertwined. Male spider monkeys will grab their female partner mid-air, hump them, and release before they even hit the ground. Humans have all kinds of mating rituals from courting over food, to bringing in toys to “bring the spark back”, to discussing the relationship ad nausea post-coital. And within the human genus, we have countless subsets of this behavior. We are an odd species to be sure. Aliens who enslave us two decades from now will be hard-pressed to figure out how to get us to toil away on the Vectarion reactors. I’ll make it simple for them: give us food and let us bang. We’ll take it from there, Remulox. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, fusion, healthy, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alien conquerors, aliens, bang, banging, blend, cactus, cilantro, condiment, condom-ments, delicious, discussing the relationship, DIY, easy, food, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, giraffe, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, human genus, intercourse, jalapeños, kitchen, libido, lime, mating rituals, mexican, mexico, naked, nopales, post-coital, prickly pear, recipe, remulox, salsa, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sex toys, sexual practice, sexual practice cactus salsa, spicy, spider monkeys, tasty, vectarion reactor, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 21, 2015
Shrimping and pimping and bed sheet crimping
It’s time to apply the philosophy of MTV’s Pimp My Ride to your dinner. Say you have a taco recipe that is so-so. Your tacos will feed hungry people, but chances are no one you’ve served them to have torn off their clothes to show their appreciation. That is a damn shame Cook To Bang will rectify. We’re taking a simple taco recipe, supping it up with aphrodisiac-laden flavor, and letting that shit ride across your plates then down your gullets faster than you can say, “I’ll get some protection.” I learned a similar recipe while acting a fool in Baja California chasing senoritas while downing margaritas. These tacos sure made my beach side dalliances more enjoyable. I smuggled the recipe across the border along with some fireworks and KABOOM! Pleasant pimpin’. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, Baja California, bang, banging, bbq, beachside, black pepper, cabbage, corn tortillas, cumin, delicious, DIY, easy, fireworks, food, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, grill, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, kaboom, kitchen, libido, margarita, mexican, mexico, mtv, naked, oregano, pimp my ride, pimp my shrimp taco recipe, protection, recipe, salsa, salt, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, senoritas, sex, shrimp, shrimp taco recipe, smuggle, taco, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 9, 2015
Get their curry in a flurry 'til their eyes go blurry.
Rule #1 of gaming is to never be too eager. Desperation is herpes to your prospects. Why rush the inevitable by being a needy little bitch? The best seductions simmer to the point you can’t resist taking a nibble. Serve it up too soon and you will barely enjoy the undercooked, underwhelming sensations to follow. Don’t repeat my tragic blunders by rushing the vibe when it ain’t solid. The only thing you’ll have is a shiny new pair of blue balls. Granted there are certain opportunities to pounce on post haste. These are fun, but fleeting. When it comes creating something exceptional, a little restraint never hurt nobody no how. I’m not suggesting pussing out entirely like some chump. Just know when to hold ‘em; know when to fold ‘em; and know when to bang ‘em. Now savor every last morsel of their curry, champ! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, spicy, thai, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, blue balls, blunder, cilantro, coconut milk, delicious, desperation, DIY, eager, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, naked, never hurry their curry recipe, olive oil, onion, post haste, pussing, recipe, red curry, rushing the vibe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simmer, tasty, thai, Thailand, vegan, vegetarian, vegetarian red curry recipe, yummy, zucchini | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 4, 2015
Order in the court! Allow me to retort...
That Ben Dover better bend over for what he’s done. Corporal punishment is the only fitting penance for the food slurs he committed. He tarnished his soul with this Dover sole. The bastard though that he could make a fish marinade out of blueberries, New Mexico chilies and coconut milk. Ha! How could a strange commingling of flavors like that taste anything but weird? Clearly he must know the consequences of his reckless cooking. Granted, I haven’t tasted his culinary cancer, but it has to be awful. Right? Fine, if you insist I don’t try him in the kangaroo court I call my garage, I will try a bite. <takes bite, chews> You see! It’s guilt…glorious! <touching self> The delicate blueberry taste dances with the New Mexico chili wolves and cools down with a river of soothing coconut milk. <does cartwheel> I hereby dismiss this case. Ben Dover deserves a commendation for his culinary bravery. Ladies of the court, please try a bite of this food pioneer’s masterpiece and meet me in the judge’s chambers! Read the rest of this entry »
8 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, atkins, fusion, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, mexican, RECIPES, seafood, spicy, summer | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, bbq, blueberries, blueberry chili marinade, coconut milk, corporal punishment, court, delicious, DIY, Dover sole, easy, food, food slur, game changer, garage, get laid, gourmet, grill, grilled Dover sole recipe, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, judge, jury, kangaroo court, kitchen, libido, marinade, masterpiece, naked, new Mexico chilies, recipe, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame seeds olive oil, sex, spicy, sweet spicy Dover sole, tasty, trial, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 