SQUASH KE-BANGS

September 11, 2015
She Bangs, He Bangs, Ke-Bangs!

She Bangs, He Bangs, Ke-Bangs!

Let’s be honest here.  You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t like banging.  Right?  If you thought this site was for carpentry where you learn how to bang hammer to nail…forgive me my trespassing.  I am nothing like Jesus the carpenter or Son of God, unless you count the ripped abs from all that stretching on the crucifix.  But I do offer you recipes reserved for the gods so in some ways you aren’t totally off.  Here we have classic middle-eastern nosh that Jesus may have sampled during one of his hangouts with his twelve adoring homies AKA apostles.  Kebabs are simple and perfect for those waning days of summer.  Grill, broil it, munch it.  Each bite brings you closer to God.  Amen to that! Read the rest of this entry »


DATEY CHICKEN CHA CHA

August 7, 2015

How about a hot date on your plate?

Don’t be shy. Do the cha cha across the kitchen, through the dining room, and on into the bedroom. Nice moves, slick! I had no idea two left feet just meant a whole lot of cha cha-ing around and around. Keep it up. Move with confidence. There is no clearer way to get what your lustful little heart desires. Serving up a Middle East feast will surely earn you some brownie points, especially if you’re eying some sexy little thing in a hijab. A better recipe there could not be for breaking down their religion’s ordained celibacy one bite at a time. That is when you will really need your cha cha A-game to pull off the implausible. To any jihadists reading, please understand this is tongue-in-cheek face and not meant to inspire martyrdom in my kitchen. Allah akbar, my friends!

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red vino or POMMELONTINI BIKINI

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil
2. 1 tbsp tahini
3. 1 lemon
4. 2 chicken breasts
5. 5 dates
6. 6 1 handful minced shallots
7. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
8. 1 dash sea salt (not pictured)

Step 1
Marinate the chicken in 1/2 lemon of juice and sea salt (approx 10 min). Chop the chicken into bite-sized pieces.

Step 2
Sauté the garlic and shallots in olive oil on medium heat (approx 1 min). Remove the date pits and chop finely. Throw the dates, tahini, and remaining lemon juice into the pan. Cook until the juice evaporates and it is the consistency of paste (approx 3 min). Add the chicken and cook thoroughly so the sauce coats the meat (approx 4 min).

Step 3
If you are rocking cous cous with your chicken, you are stoked! Lay the cous cous evenly over the plate. Create a hole in the middle and fill it with your chicken.

Wowzers! This is one bona fide feast fit for a player of your caliber.

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TURN YOU OUT TURKEY BURGER

July 4, 2015
Turkey turns me on, then turns me out.  Yeow!

Turkey turns ’em on, then turns ’em out. Yeow!

Hamburgers are not normally considered sexy, but they are a damn tasty staple of the American diet.  Turkey meat however is leaner, meaner and greener.   The protein does you right plus there’s less fat and twice the flavor when cooked right.  My thanks go out to the Native Americans for turning the Pilgrims onto this precious bird (sorry about taking your land and all).  The fire charring the meat empowers the caveman in every male chef.  The lady chef or date can enjoy this tasty piece of the American dream and not worry about the dish going straight to her thighs. When you bit into the center and find the goat cheese goodness, a choir of angels with trumpets shall inspire a tryst of the kinkiest order.  I tried a similar dish at a bourgeois New York restaurant priced somewhere upwards of $25.  The bill hurt my wallet, but my palette was well satisfied and my brain full of inspiration.  This summertime dish always leads to good times and enough erotic memories to last me through winter. Read the rest of this entry »


CHICKEN OUT YOUR (BEER) CANS

June 26, 2015
Beer Can Chicken got a whole lot easier.

Beer Can Chicken got a whole lot easier.

Behold: simplified beer can chicken for 2.  Sure you could go the badass route of stuffing a whole chicken with a leaking beer can, but that is both labor intensive and way too much food.  This little ditty is perfect for a summer evening date outdoors.  The object is to stay outside for the course of the evening.  That means banging under the stars. Make like your primitive ancestors who never heard of the concept of shame or waiting until marriage.  For those hairy bastards it was all banging all the time.  Use the beer marinade as an excuse for your barbaric behavior.  “It was the booze flavored meat that made me strip down to a fur loincloth, club you and drag you by the hair into my cave!” Read the rest of this entry »


BBW BBQ CHOP CHICKEN SALAD

June 17, 2015
BBW...Big Beautiful Women...Brash Bold Wicked

BBW…Big Beautiful Women…Brash Bold Wicked

This one goes out to all the Big Beautiful Ladies out there.  I’m not too proud to admit that in the course of banging like a champion, I’ve entertained a few BBW with “great personalities”.  So here’s a sexy salad with an amazing personality.  It’s delicious, nutritious, and calorie-vicious. While most salads are meant to help you lose weight, a few rather yummy ones work the opposite way.  The very nature of ranch dressing is an oxymoron: making lean salads fattening.  But the creamy liquid does taste dreamy.  Combine it with tangy BBQ sauce and the calorically-challenged will flock.  This salad is sure to satisfy both of your cravings. Read the rest of this entry »


FREAKY FRIED CHICKEN SALAD

June 1, 2015
Who da freak?  You da freak!  And I sure do like it!

Who da freak? You da freak! And I sure do like it!

It’s about that time. What time you ask? It’s certainly not the time to get dull and apologetic. No sir. Put away the penny loafers and break out the rubber gimp suit. Time to act out your freakiest, kinkiest, most debauch fantasies EVER! Feel like covering yourself in honey and letting grizzly bears lick you clean? Go for it! Ever wonder what it would be like to eat a sandwich while banging someone’s brains out? No time like the present? Have you ever fantasized about combining watermelon into a salad? You are one sicko. But I love it! There are no rules here. We’ll designate a safe word in case we go too far into our depravity. That word is “MORE!” Read the rest of this entry »


GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN

May 25, 2015
“Man love fire.  Man love meat. Man love Cook to Bang.”

“Man love fire. Man love meat. Man love Cook to Bang.”

The summer is upon us.  The snow and ice has melted. So has the clothing of your tempting targets.  Quit your bellyaching about cold streaks and grill up some hot steaks.  No more hibernating!  Put away the parkas and pull out your favorite fur loincloth. Dust off the BBQ and start grilling.  Calling all caveman!

Tap into your primitive side. You don’t need to bother with three-course meals. The smell of fire charring meat should suffice.  Grrrrrr!  Make like you’re strangling a Velociraptor and make some dino-kebabs.  Effort should be minimal so long as you pull it off with panache. Cooking to Bang in the summertime has never been more basic.

So visit the butcher, your fish monger, your hippie veggie/weed dealer.  Grab the goods and get with the grillin’.  A little charcoal, some lighter fluid and you got fire.  Try some of this fuego-fueled fare on for size, you caveman you! Read the rest of this entry »


TEQUILA LIME RHYME TIME PASTA

March 23, 2015

Tequila = boozy floozies in a jacuzzis

Ever just start speaking in rhymes?
Happens at the most inconvenient times?
Dr. Seuss crawled down your throat?
Like someone’s always getting your goat?

Bust out some tangy lime and tequila
Your date is sure to touch and feel ya.
So rather than whine, bitch, and groan
Make pasta so good they will moan

I shall refrain from babbling all night
This rhyming even gives me a fright
Guys, don’t just play with your wang
Good forth, my friends, Cook To Bang!

Read the rest of this entry »


ATKINS FOR TROUBLE BURGER SALAD

March 10, 2015
If you're looking for trouble, you've come to the right site.

If you’re looking for trouble, you’ve come to the right site.

If you’re looking at this site, you are most certainly asking for trouble.  This is not a nice blog to share with your grandmother.  Perhaps your mom, if she’s open-minded or a hot MILF.  The Cook To Bang staff warns you that our content may cause increased heart rate and libido.  But can you blame us?  We are all hopped up on this Atkins-friendly low-carb protein-blast salad.  Every bite brings us closer to walking confidentially in thongs in South Beach. We employed the countless fad diets and a massive dose of steroids to make us beach ready.  You’re wondering if the risks to my health and mental state for bedlam rock-star food orgies were worth it.  You think this hot ass and glistening bedroom muscles are some accident? Read the rest of this entry »


BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY

December 15, 2014
This chicken curry will inspire you to bango like the tango.

This chicken curry will inspire you to bango like the tango.

This sexy dish was inspired by a mango chicken curry I had at an Indian restaurant in Sydney, Australia.  I’m not sure if it was the food or the beautiful waitress who served it to me, but something changed in me that day.  And I’m not just talking about the growth in my pants.  Mango and curry together unlock something primal.  Sweet, spicy and sensual.  You really can’t go wrong serving a date this…unless you accidentally spill the contents in their lap.  This happened to me.  But my date was more hungry than outraged so all was forgiven the moment she took her first bite.  I did have to dab up the mess on designer jeans.  But you form an intimate bond once you’ve cleaned curry off someone’s crotch.  Plus I removed my pants to make her feel more comfortable while her jeans were in the wash.  I’m empathetic like that. Read the rest of this entry »