July 9, 2012
Don’t commit hari kari! You got so much banging to do…
Dead sexy. That is how they describe those who got in my way. To my nemeses, you are on notice: don’t mess with my cooking or banging game! I trained in mountains of Japan not only to cook amazing Japanese dishes and bang geishas by the bushel, but to kill when necessary. Wielding a knife is already second nature to me. That’s merely in addition to my ability to climb walls with suction cups, assassinate foreign dignitaries in their sleep, and then bang their mistresses. It’s almost unfair to my rivals, but life is a series of injustices that I am slowly correcting. I have to make up for my yellow Walkman being smashed by a neighborhood bully when I was 8. If that means cooking, banging, and occasionally killing bad guys, so be it! These oysters are one of many tricks up my ninja sleeves. They render prudes powerless to control their unbridled lust. Hi-ya! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, Japanese, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, assassinate, broil, bully, deadly, figs, food, foreign dignitaries, game changer, geisha, get laid, ginger, green onion, guarantee, intercourse, japan, Japanese, Japanese baked oyster recipe, libido, mayonnaise, oysters, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, Sex ninja oyster recipe, spicy, sriracha chili sauce, walkman | 
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Posted by cooktobang
May 25, 2012
Blackened Catfish, blacker heart
I like my catfish to match the color of my heart: black. At least that’s what every girl I just banged has said. Apparently sleeping with someone with no emotion beyond “boy that was fun, but the fact she hasn’t left yet is starting to annoy me” is not nice guy behavior. Who knew? I try to make up for my morally bankrupt existence through my culinary endeavors. Who’s to say that cooking a meal worthy of Jesus, Moses, Mohammed or Yoda can’t redeem oneself? This blackened catfish should at least temporarily make up for my blackened heart. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, southern, spicy | Tagged: bad boy, bang, banging, black pepper, blacked catfish recipe, blackeded heart catfish, butter, Cajun catfish recipe, catfish, cayenne pepper, creole, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, grill, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jesus, kitchen, lemon aphrodisiac, libido, lousiana, marinate, mohammed, moses, naked, New Orleans, nice guy, pan-fry, paprika, recipe, red wine vinegar, salt, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, southern, spicy, star wars, tasty, yoda, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 9, 2012
Turn the key and turn them on!
Sometimes banging someone is a struggle to achieve from the get go. Whether they have morals, romantic notions, or are gold diggers that expect a signed contract allocating your internal organs, it can be a pain in the ass. Wouldn’t it be much easier if said piece of ass would open with a simple twist of the key? My thoughts exactly. So I locked myself in the CTB R&D lab for months trying to figure out the formula to turn any meal into a panty skeleton key, but alas I was foiled. But during the course of my CTB travels, I stayed at one such challenge’s home. While she was at work, I rummaged through her kitchen and shopped for a few extra goodies. When she came home on her lunch break, I had this sandwich waiting for her. Let’s just say she was a little late to work and had to explain a questionable stain on her pantsuit. These pics are the meal I made that cracked the code…and bed frame. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, MORNING WOOD, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, baguette, bang, banging, breakfast, cayenne pepper, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, gold diggers, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Italian parsley, kitchen, lab, libido, morning, naked, olive oil, pantsuit, panty skeleton key, r&d, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tomato, turkey breakfast sandwich recipe, turkey burger patty, Turkey turnkey sexfast sinwich, turnkey, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 1, 2010
That's the musty smell of a quickie, not the fishy scent of the sandwich.
Who says quickies can’t be romantic, satisfying and straight up sexy? Clearly these pantywaists have never gone home on a lunch break to bang like a jackhammer fast, furious and effective. Those who do know relish that all-too-familiar feeling of awesomeness when you get back to the office, grinning ear to ear. Your coworkers will assume that you ate a great sandwich, which is technically true. The fact that you made sandwiches between the sheets is beside the point. Between driving home, banging like a thoroughbred and then driving back to work, time to eat is limited. Lucky for you there are fast, simple, refreshing meals like this sandwich to recharge your battery for the long afternoon that lies ahead. Plus you are putting leftovers from last night to work. Pat yourself on the back for being so resourceful. You are an inspiration to us all! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, fusion, healthy, mexican, RECIPES, seafood, SINWICHES, southern, spicy | Tagged: afternoon quickie, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, blackened catfish, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, fish sandwich recipe, fish wrap, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, jackhammer, kitchen, leftover fish, lettuce, libido, lunch break, naked, on the go, pantywaist, papaya salsa, pita, quickie fishy sinwich recipe, recharge, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, thoroughbred, wrap, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 18, 2010
Is your meal Mexican or Mexican't?
Mexican food brings a smile to all but the most bitter, tasteless, and/or racist. It’s comfort food, like a big hug when you’re lazy, depressed, or plain happy. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, breaded, canola oil, chile relleno recipe, chile relleno resistance, cilantro, comfort food, condom-ments, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, entree, food, four, fried, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green chiles, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, latin, libido, mexican, Mexican cheese, mexico, naked, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 12, 2010
Stuff with care
This main dish is meant for your main squeeze. Don’t prepare this outstanding entrée for one of your breezies on the side. The effort and effect are not worth it unless you want them to get hooked on you. It goes back to the essence of the Cook To Bang philosophy. Eat amazing food; have amazing sex. This hearty dish is perfect for a winter evening in. Why would you go out when you have the two essentials for a perfect night of carnal lust and consumption? At least that’s what I discovered when I laid this culinary mack down on a girl I’m seeing. She hasn’t stopped calling, texting, sexting, and facebooking since. Homegirl is officially addicted…to me. Ever since, I’ve been getting stuffed and busting nuts all over the place. Use this dish cautiously, unless you are eager to build your own harem.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 3 tbsp olive oil
2. 1 dash CAYENNE PEPPER
3. 1 butternut squash
4. 2 dashes black pepper
5. 3 dashes sea salt
6. 2 GREENSBURY MARKET organic chicken breasts
7. 1 pear
8. 2 large carrots
9. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
10. 1 lime wedge
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Slice the squash lengthwise and scoop out the guts, leaving a nice cavity. Rub olive oil into each half, and then salt and pepper them and roast until the squash meat is soft (approx 30 min).
Step 2
While the squash roasts, cube the chicken and marinate in limejuice, cayenne pepper, and sea salt (approx 10 min).
Step 3
Peel the carrots and chop into bite-sized pieces. Slice the pears thinly. SautÈ the carrots and pears until they soften (approx 5 min). Add the chicken and sautÈ thoroughly.
Step 4
Finally scoop the sautÈed chicken and veggies into the cavities of the squash (once soft) and throw back in the oven and roast until it’s all heated through (approx 5 min). Crown each with green onions and serve.
This ENTRÉE kills it on it’s own, but a simple SALAD could shoot your date’s lust into the stratosphere.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, spicy, winter | Tagged: addicted, bang, banging, black pepper, breezies, bust a nut, butternut squash, carnal lust, carrot, cayenne pepper, chicken breasts, consumption, delicious, DIY, easy, entree, food, game changer, get hooked, get laid, get stuffed, gourmet, green onions, greensbury market, guarantee, harem, healthy, hearty, homemade, hooked, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, main dish, main squeeze, marinate, naked, olive oil, organic, pear, recipe, roast, sauté, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 29, 2009
I am the Cook To Bang Chef, and I am an aphrodisaddict.
Any alcoholic or drug addict will tell you that the first step in battling an addiction is to admit you have a problem. So let’s start there. I am addicted to aphrodisiacs. No judgments, right? The problem has become severe enough that I cannot function like a normal human being. Everything I cook seems to have one of these mood-altering, loin-enticing ingredients. The other day I made boring old scrambled eggs and I still had to smother it all in hot sauce and avocados. The girl I made it for who insisted I didn’t “sex it up as usual” was disappointed that I couldn’t just make something simple. She left shortly after explaining things weren’t going to work out. Good riddance to her. Granted she was trying to help me see my flaws, but damn it, it’s going to be on my terms. There has to be a happy medium where my every meal isn’t loaded with flavorful and healthy ingredients that cause chemical reactions leading to bigger libidos and more explosive orgasms. This breakfast is yet another example of me not being able to make a meal simple and earnest like something you would consume on an Amish farm. It’s a work in progress people so please tolerate the aphrodisiac overload in the meantime.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil
2. 1 can BLACK BEANS
3. 2 dashes sea salt
4. 3 eggs
5. 1 can TUNA
6. 1 dash CAYENNE PEPPER
7. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 1 sprig ROSEMARY
Step 1
Drain the black beans and tuna cans. Sauté the beans and fish in olive oil, adding rosemary, cayenne pepper, and sea salt.
Step 2
Crack the eggs over the mixture and cover with a pot top so they will cook from steam rising (approx 3 min). Add extra salt if you desire and crown with the green onions.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: alcoholic, amish, aphrodisiacs, Aphrodisiaddicts breakfast, atkins, bang, banging, black beans, breakfast, cayenne pepper, chemical reactions, delicious, DIY, drug addict, easy, eggs, explosive orgasm, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, judgment, kitchen, libido, loin-enticing, mood-altering, morning, naked, olive oil, overload, recipe, rosemary, sauté, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spicy, tasty, tuna, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 21, 2009
Run like a cheetah to tap that booty
There are some people out there too fine for their own good. You know the type I’m talking about. It’s as if they are cursed to roam the earth surrounded by an unsightly subspecies, the rest of us. That’s how I feel every time I’m around someone so stunning, I wonder if perhaps my sins were not too great to exclude me from a heaven membership. Fat chance of that. The beta person would not dare try to engage the near-mythical sexual creature for fear of abject humiliation. But I always take the “fake it ‘til you make it” approach, which sometimes pays back in decadent dividends. When you do step up to the plate, be ready to knock it out of the park by having a plan. I’m cocky about my cooking skills. So with swagger and spitfire I invite the sexier-than-thou and let them know not coming to my place for some grub will be their loss. No cheetah will deny the rarefied opportunity to sample your fajita sandwich.
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy:BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise to taste
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 4 dashes fajita seasoning
4. 2 sandwich rolls
5. 2 GREENSBURY MARKET organic chicken breasts
6. 1 onion sliced in long strips
7. 1 red bell pepper sliced in long strips
8. 1 lime wedge
9. 1 small handful cilantro chopped coarsely
10. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
11. 1 tomato sliced thinly.
Step 1
Slice the chicken breasts into long thin strips and marinate in limejuice and 1/2 the fajita
seasoning (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the onion, bell pepper and cilantro in olive oil until they soften (approx 4 min). Create room in the pan and sauté the chicken next to but separate from the veggies (approx 3 min).
Step 3
Assemble the sandwich. First split the rolls down the top, and then spread mayo as needed. Stuff each roll with veggies, chicken, tomato and avocado.
Serve this gringo twist on a Mexican classic with a some GARLICKABLE FRIES.
4 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, mexican, poultry, RECIPES, SINWICHES, spicy | Tagged: abject humiliation, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, calivirgin, chicken breasts, Chicken fajita sandwich recipe, cilantro, decadent dividends, delicious, DIY, easy, fajita seasoning, fake it ‘til you make it, food, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, greensbury market, guarantee, heaven, homemade, hot like a cheetah, hot like a cheetah fajita sinwich, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, marinate, mayo, mayonnaise, mexican, naked, olive oil, onion, organic, recipe, red bell pepper, sandwich, sandwich roll, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sexier-than-thou, tasty, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 9, 2009
Squash all resistance to your charms!
Some knucklehead who probably hasn’t seen a naked woman since his subscription to National Geographic ran out told me squash ain’t sexy. Granted it doesn’t pack the same luscious sex appeal as an oyster or fig, but damnit, squash has gotten me laid plenty of times. Squash is the perfect fall ingredient to prep you for the cold winter that lies ahead. They are inexpensive, tasty and versatile as a bisexual Cirque du Soleil performer. My problem is that I keep going back to my classic squash dishes. But you gotta break out of routine, no matter how awesome that routine might be, if you hope to attain glory. This little Frankenstein’s monster brought honor to my family; my reputation as a lady-slayer stands untarnished. It was spicy, sweet and comforting all at the same time. My one caution is that this side dish very well may outclass the rest of your meal. So cook with bravado!
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Hot Cider with a splash of bourbon
Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 apple
2. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
3. 1 dash salt
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
6. 3 petit pan squash
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2 large handfuls shredded mozzarella
9. 3 garlic cloves sliced thinly
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice the ends off the globe squash and cut into thin rounds. Do the same for the petit pan squash. Toss the squash with the garlic, olive oil, cayenne pepper and salt. Lay them out in a large flat baking pan.
Step 2
Core and slice up the apple into thin slices. Lay them evenly over the squash and season with cinnamon. Scatter the cheese across evenly and you’re ready to rumble.
Step 3
Throw the casserole in the oven and bake until the apples and squash soften, and the cheese melts (approx 30 min).
Serve as a kickass side to any number of outstanding ENTRÉES. You could eat it solo, it’s that good.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, southern, spicy, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple, bake, bang, banging, bisexual, bravado, calivirgin, casserole, cayenne pepper, cheese, cinnamon, cirque du soleil, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frankenstein’s monster, game changer, garlic, get laid, globe squash, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mozzarella, naked, naked woman, national geographic, olive oil, petit pan squash, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, spicy squash casserole, squash, squashtacular, tasty, toss, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 6, 2009
Yes, mistress. Please, mistress. Thank you, mistress.
Kinky is my middle name. Actually it’s Patrick, but I’m considering changing it. I wouldn’t call myself an S&M guy, but I do enjoy pushing the envelope behind closed doors with consenting adults. What’s the point of boring sex? Why half-ass your goal after you put all this effort into convincing someone to get naked? I don’t personally own handcuffs, but I’ve been cuffed to a bed with leopard print bonds. My mistress/lover for the night was rough at times, and then sweet, then rough and so on. It was pretty hot. Melting candle wax on my nipples was just painful, but it was still an experience I remember fondly. The best part is after we were done, we had takeout Pad Thai that she fed me since my hands were still attached to her headboard. That was one of my favorite Thai food memories, which I have since relived in subtle, less painful ways. So here’s my own take on this classic recipe with a little extra sexy thrown into the mix. Just be sure to have a safety word when engaging in Thai-style COOK TO BANG.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Thai iced tea or beer
Ingredients (serves 2, with post-coital leftovers):
1. 2 tbsp vegetable oil
2. 1-package rice noodles
3. 1 tbsp fish sauce
4. 1 tbsp soy sauce
5. 2 OZ Pad Thai sauce
6. Limejuice to taste
7. 2 eggs
8. 6 green onions chopped coarsely
9. FRIED TOFU
10. 1 red CHILI chopped finely
11. 2 handful chopped peanuts
12. ½ lb SHRIMP
13. ½ lb chicken cut in bite-sized pieces
Step 1
Marinate the raw chicken with the soy sauce, fish sauce and limejuice (approx 15 min). Cook the chicken in a pan until they brown (approx 3 min). Add the shrimp and cook it all together (approx 2).
Step 2
Bring a pot of water to a boil, turn the heat low and cook the rice noodles al dente (approx 4 min) and drain. Heat up the oil in deep pan or wok. Add the noodles and mix in the pad Thai sauce thoroughly. Cook in the chicken, shrimp, fried tofu and green onions.
Step 3
Beat the two eggs and cook flat in a pan like a pancake. Jimmy the eggs off the pan an crown the noodles with it. When serving, throw a handful of peanuts and squeeze some lime over it.
These kinky noodles go great with a BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, poultry, RECIPES, seafood, spicy, thai | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, candle wax, carbohydrates, carbs, chicken, chili, delicious, DIY, dominatrix, easy, eggs, fish sauce, food, fried tofu, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, libido, limejuice, mistress, naked, nipples, noodles, pad thai me up recipe, pad thai recipe, pad thai sauce, peanuts, recipe, rice noodes, s&m, sado-masochism, safety word, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, soy sauce, takeout, tasty, thai, Thailand, tie me up, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 