January 21, 2016
Stuff Me? Stuff You!
I’m sure someone has told you at some point in your life to “Get Stuffed” or something like that in one language or another. In essence they are telling you to get banged, which in some ways is a rather considerate suggestion. We all could do with a little more stuffing. Everyone would be a whole lot nicer without sexual frustration inspiring dickishness to the masses. It very well could be the solution to terrorism, the recession and what really happened to the dinosaurs. Attention Nobel Foundation: Please send the peace prize directly to my underground lab. In celebration, let’s stuffed some eggplant with our favorite meat and recognize that even in turbulent times, we still need to enjoy life. Cook To Bang, making the world a better-fed and sexier place. Read the rest of this entry »
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bake stirfry, bang, beef, bell pepper, cashew nuts, chicken, Chinese stirfry eggplant recipe, delicious, dinosaurs, easy, eggplant, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, get stuffed, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, naked, nobel prize, oyster sauce, peace, pork, recession, recipe, sex, sexual frustration, soy sauce, Stuffed eggplant recipe, tasty, terrorism, tofu, wok, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
January 20, 2016
X marks the G-spot
Arrr! Ahoy, maties! I spot a hard body off the starboard bow! Land ho (or was that hos?)! We shall not rest until we collect all the doubloons in their pantaloons. Plunder everything you can before we make off into the night. We shall woo them with our finest spices traded from the far East. The healthier, shinier, and tastier the treasure, the better! If you don’t like your captain’s skullduggery, walk the plank!
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Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, healthy, Japanese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: ahoy, aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, black pepper, cilantro, crushed red pepper, cucumber, cucumber salad recipe, delicious, DIY, doubloons, easy, food, g spot, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, Japanese, kitchen, libido, maties, naked, pantaloons, panty plunder cucumber salad, pirates, plunder, quick, recipe, rice vinegar, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, skullduggery, starboard bow, tasty, treasure, vegan, vegetarian, walk the plant, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 19, 2016
Come along and munch on our fig-tastic...
The journey to the center of this aphrodisiac is about to begin. First we’ll shrink ourselves down using technology we reversed-engineered from the potion our corporate spy Alice swiped from Wonderland. Now that we are tiny as microbes, the real adventure begins. Our goal? To figure out what makes figs so goddamn sexy. Our field-tests have proven that the probability of premarital sex after consuming fresh figs rises exponentially. One might just say it becomes a foregone conclusion. Regardless, we need to understand the science so that we can duplicate it, shrink it into pill form and mass-market to college kids. Only then can the next fantastic voyage begin. All aboard! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bang, banging, Boursin cheese, delicious, DIY, easy, fantastic voyage, fig brie crackers recipe, fig jam, fig-tastic voyage, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, multi-grain crackers, naked, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 18, 2016
Flirty, dirty and wordy. This sandwich offers all manners of sinful delights.
This turkey sandwich is no ordinary sandwich. It has sex appeal scientists are struggling to devise a method of measuring. It can’t help flirting with everyone its path. This sandwich has won over everyone it has met besides a few vegetarians who are questioning their own eating habits. That is the power of said sandwich. The tantalizing melted brie cheese, cranberry goodness, creamy aphrodisiac-laden avocado and crunchy bread dares to take you where no sandwich has gone before. You almost forget your eating a sandwich at all. It seems more like nosh meant for the gods who happen to be food snobs. I made this sandwich and God said it was good. God said it was damn good and paused time so he could have second. Amen! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, fusion, healthy, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, brie cheese, cranberries, dairy, deli meat, delicious, dijon mustard, DIY, easy, flirt, Flirty turkey brie sinwich, food, food snobs, game changer, get laid, god, gourmet, gourmet toasted turkey sandwich recipe, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jesus, kitchen, lunch, mayonnaise, naked, poultry, recipe, seduce, sex, sliced turkey, sourdough bread, tantalizing, tasty, toast, tomato, turkey, vegetarians, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 16, 2016
KABOOM! goes the inhibitions.
Fast cars! Exploding building! Gratuitous sex! Sounds like my kind of movie. But this ain’t a movie. This is real life. One guzzle of a fresh-squeezed greyhound and your life may become a grindhouse movie. I know what you’re thinking: “How can my life turn into some Tarantino fantasy?” Simple. In the blink of an eye. After your first gulp, you will find that your hunch about your neighbor harvesting cyborg alien eggs is totally correct. By your second drink, that Toyota you drive will transform into a muscle car with machine gun turrets. By the time you finish your tasty beverage, you and the hottest piece of ass shall be scantily clad firing bazookas at zombie Jehovah’s Witnesses. The only comfort in all the chaos is to seek carnal comforts with one another as the world comes to an end. Another greyhound? Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | libation lubrication, RECIPES | Tagged: alcohol, bang, banging, bazookas, booze, carnal comfort, cocktail, cyborg alien, delicious, DIY, drink, easy, explosions, fantasy, food, fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice, fresh-squeezed greyhound, gourmet, gratuitous sex, grindhouse, grindhouse greyhound, homemade, Jehovah’s witnesses, kitchen, libido, machine gun turrets, muscle car, naked, Quentin tarantino, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tart, vitamin c, vodka, zombie | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 15, 2016
Come Mrs. Tallyman, fondle me banana
For the record, Cook To Bang isn’t telling you to bang your nana. That is illegal in most countries and frowned upon everywhere else with the possible exception of Sweden. Why do you think they call it a Swedish pancake? Yet I digress, a bad habit since my ADHD childhood. Bananas are among my favorite fruits. Taste and phallic suggestiveness aside, the magnesium, potassium, riboflavin and B Vitamins run through the love machine you call your body like premium oil used in sports cars driven by men substituting for what they lack. But that’s not your problem. Is it, fellas? Even if it is, fret no longer. Bananas also turbo-charge the male libido with the enzyme bromelain. The fact “bro” is in the enzyme’s scientific name should not be lost on you. Fire up the griddle and make pancakes…in bed. Then make breakfast.
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Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: adhd, aphrodisiac, baking powder, banana, banana peanut butter pancake recipe, bang, banging, bangnana pancakes, batter, boudoir, breakfast, bro, bromelain, brown sugar, brunch, butter, carbohydrates, carbs, classic, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, enzyme, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, griddle, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, love machine, magnesium, maple syrup, milk, morning, naked, nana, peanut butter, pecans, phallic, potassium, premium oil, recipe, riboflavin, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sports car, Swedish pancakes, tasty, vegetarian, vitamin b, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 13, 2016
Pudding & Poontang: My comfort foods.
Rice pudding is comfort food. Comfort = connection. Connection= banging. You can’t argue with sound logic. Granted, rice pudding isn’t as sexy as a chocolate soufflé or crème brule. But it warms the heart and inspires the mind. That is the conclusion I came to when I served this dessert to a date I assumed was a total prude. She was a colder fish than the chilled cocktail shrimp I served as an appetizer. Not even the MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE could get her to flirt back. I was ready to admit defeat (something I rarely do) and show her to the door. But then I broke out the rice pudding I had chilling in the fridge. The ice in my frigid date’s heart and the block of ice between her legs thawed. She made the first move and the second and…let’s just say I felt a little violated after. Good thing I had more rice pudding to comfort me when she left after using me for sex. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, indian, mexican, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, brown sugar, cinnamon, cold fish, comfort food, dairy, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, frigid, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, milk, naked, nutmeg, poon, prude, raisins, recipe, rice, rice pudding poontang, rice pudding recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sweet, tasty, vanilla extract, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 11, 2016
Dream a little obscene dream
I dream a little dream every day. My dreams do not consist of me running in a field of daffodils holding hands with my pure-as-virgin-snow fiancé. There is no discussion of curtain rods and where to hang the menacing portrait of her father in our bedroom so he can watch us “make grandchildren”. That is another man’s dream that I find boringly obscene. My dreams are of the social derelict variety. They are filled with morally questionable fluids that get all over the bed, walls and playtime companions’ faces. The soundtrack consists of gasps, moans, and cracks from my flat hand connecting with firm backsides. You could hook my brain up to your DVR and I’d single-handedly put Skinemax out of business. My lawyers are already in discussion with Time Warner, but it comes down how many private islands I will receive stocked with island girls…coming soon to a living room near you. Perverted as I am, I’m also a glutton in my dreams. And this Chinese style scallop recipe came out of one such decadent dream. Enjoy these nocturnal emissions on your plate! Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, celery, china, Chinese, cinemax, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, fiancé, food, game changer, gasps, get laid, ginger, glutton, gourmet, grandchildren, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, island girls, kitchen, libido, lime, moans, naked, nocturnal emissions, obscene tangerine dream scallops recipe, oyster sauce, recipe, red bell pepper, scallops, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, Skinemax, social derelict, soy sauce, spicy, Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce, tangerine, tangerine scallops recipe, tasty, tivo, vegetable oil, virgin, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 9, 2016
Grass, Ass, or Cash-ews
Cash money makes our world go around. It’s the international language of “fuck you, I’m rich!” Here at Cook To Bang we like commerce as much as the next perverted food blog. But the whole spirit of CTB comes from the desire to take money out of the dating equation. Food is the great equalizer. Everyone needs to eat. Almost everyone wants to bang. You don’t have to bang your lover on 1000 gold thread count sheets. A sleeping bag over a La-Z-Boy could be just as much fun and certainly more of an athletic feat. Everyone wins when you Cook To Bang. And this CTB take on a classic Chinese dish will win you much props and improper propositions.
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3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: 1000 thread count, aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, cash money, cashew chicken recipe, cashew money chicken, cashews, chicken breasts, Chinese, commerce, cornstarch, dating equation, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, international language, kitchen, la-z-boy, libido, msg, mushrooms, naked, nuts ginger, onion, oyster sauce, propositions, recipe, scallions, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, soy sauce, tasty, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 8, 2016
Roasted Chicken Rub Down Served
Roasting a chicken is a lot like a slow, deliberate seduction: if you rush it you end up with cold meat and ecoli. But done right it should get you laid plus provide you with some kick ass leftovers for sandwiches, salads or right off the bone, in the fridge, drunk. This dish is hearty, proves you made the effort, and did I mention delicious? It’s mostly prep work, then you can slide in the oven, bump the Barry White and boom-chicken-wa-wa! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: chicken, entree, garlic, hearty, potatoes, roasted, rosemary, rub down, SEDUCTION | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 