January 19, 2016
Come along and munch on our fig-tastic...
The journey to the center of this aphrodisiac is about to begin. First we’ll shrink ourselves down using technology we reversed-engineered from the potion our corporate spy Alice swiped from Wonderland. Now that we are tiny as microbes, the real adventure begins. Our goal? To figure out what makes figs so goddamn sexy. Our field-tests have proven that the probability of premarital sex after consuming fresh figs rises exponentially. One might just say it becomes a foregone conclusion. Regardless, we need to understand the science so that we can duplicate it, shrink it into pill form and mass-market to college kids. Only then can the next fantastic voyage begin. All aboard! Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
January 16, 2016
KABOOM! goes the inhibitions.
Fast cars! Exploding building! Gratuitous sex! Sounds like my kind of movie. But this ain’t a movie. This is real life. One guzzle of a fresh-squeezed greyhound and your life may become a grindhouse movie. I know what you’re thinking: “How can my life turn into some Tarantino fantasy?” Simple. In the blink of an eye. After your first gulp, you will find that your hunch about your neighbor harvesting cyborg alien eggs is totally correct. By your second drink, that Toyota you drive will transform into a muscle car with machine gun turrets. By the time you finish your tasty beverage, you and the hottest piece of ass shall be scantily clad firing bazookas at zombie Jehovah’s Witnesses. The only comfort in all the chaos is to seek carnal comforts with one another as the world comes to an end. Another greyhound? Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | libation lubrication, RECIPES | Tagged: alcohol, bang, banging, bazookas, booze, carnal comfort, cocktail, cyborg alien, delicious, DIY, drink, easy, explosions, fantasy, food, fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice, fresh-squeezed greyhound, gourmet, gratuitous sex, grindhouse, grindhouse greyhound, homemade, Jehovah’s witnesses, kitchen, libido, machine gun turrets, muscle car, naked, Quentin tarantino, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tart, vitamin c, vodka, zombie | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 15, 2016
Come Mrs. Tallyman, fondle me banana
For the record, Cook To Bang isn’t telling you to bang your nana. That is illegal in most countries and frowned upon everywhere else with the possible exception of Sweden. Why do you think they call it a Swedish pancake? Yet I digress, a bad habit since my ADHD childhood. Bananas are among my favorite fruits. Taste and phallic suggestiveness aside, the magnesium, potassium, riboflavin and B Vitamins run through the love machine you call your body like premium oil used in sports cars driven by men substituting for what they lack. But that’s not your problem. Is it, fellas? Even if it is, fret no longer. Bananas also turbo-charge the male libido with the enzyme bromelain. The fact “bro” is in the enzyme’s scientific name should not be lost on you. Fire up the griddle and make pancakes…in bed. Then make breakfast.
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Posted by cooktobang
January 13, 2016
Pudding & Poontang: My comfort foods.
Rice pudding is comfort food. Comfort = connection. Connection= banging. You can’t argue with sound logic. Granted, rice pudding isn’t as sexy as a chocolate soufflé or crème brule. But it warms the heart and inspires the mind. That is the conclusion I came to when I served this dessert to a date I assumed was a total prude. She was a colder fish than the chilled cocktail shrimp I served as an appetizer. Not even the MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE could get her to flirt back. I was ready to admit defeat (something I rarely do) and show her to the door. But then I broke out the rice pudding I had chilling in the fridge. The ice in my frigid date’s heart and the block of ice between her legs thawed. She made the first move and the second and…let’s just say I felt a little violated after. Good thing I had more rice pudding to comfort me when she left after using me for sex. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
January 11, 2016
Dream a little obscene dream
I dream a little dream every day. My dreams do not consist of me running in a field of daffodils holding hands with my pure-as-virgin-snow fiancé. There is no discussion of curtain rods and where to hang the menacing portrait of her father in our bedroom so he can watch us “make grandchildren”. That is another man’s dream that I find boringly obscene. My dreams are of the social derelict variety. They are filled with morally questionable fluids that get all over the bed, walls and playtime companions’ faces. The soundtrack consists of gasps, moans, and cracks from my flat hand connecting with firm backsides. You could hook my brain up to your DVR and I’d single-handedly put Skinemax out of business. My lawyers are already in discussion with Time Warner, but it comes down how many private islands I will receive stocked with island girls…coming soon to a living room near you. Perverted as I am, I’m also a glutton in my dreams. And this Chinese style scallop recipe came out of one such decadent dream. Enjoy these nocturnal emissions on your plate! Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, celery, china, Chinese, cinemax, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, fiancé, food, game changer, gasps, get laid, ginger, glutton, gourmet, grandchildren, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, island girls, kitchen, libido, lime, moans, naked, nocturnal emissions, obscene tangerine dream scallops recipe, oyster sauce, recipe, red bell pepper, scallops, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, Skinemax, social derelict, soy sauce, spicy, Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce, tangerine, tangerine scallops recipe, tasty, tivo, vegetable oil, virgin, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 9, 2016
Grass, Ass, or Cash-ews
Cash money makes our world go around. It’s the international language of “fuck you, I’m rich!” Here at Cook To Bang we like commerce as much as the next perverted food blog. But the whole spirit of CTB comes from the desire to take money out of the dating equation. Food is the great equalizer. Everyone needs to eat. Almost everyone wants to bang. You don’t have to bang your lover on 1000 gold thread count sheets. A sleeping bag over a La-Z-Boy could be just as much fun and certainly more of an athletic feat. Everyone wins when you Cook To Bang. And this CTB take on a classic Chinese dish will win you much props and improper propositions.
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3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: 1000 thread count, aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, cash money, cashew chicken recipe, cashew money chicken, cashews, chicken breasts, Chinese, commerce, cornstarch, dating equation, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, international language, kitchen, la-z-boy, libido, msg, mushrooms, naked, nuts ginger, onion, oyster sauce, propositions, recipe, scallions, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, soy sauce, tasty, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 6, 2016
Gotta lotta burrata to fatha
Some things in life just belong together. Dog and bone; man and woman; anal sex and lube. The sum is way more awesome than the parts. Can you imagine the Olympics without the ski and snowboard events? The very notion makes me shudder. That’s how I feel about creamy, dreamy burrata mozzarella. This majestic dairy product was hand delivered by Jesus, Buddha, and Mohammed on a cloud made of chocolate and feathers. But as good as burrata is, without some sort of tasty wingman, it’s like eating caking frosting in the dark alone on a Saturday night (been there, it ain’t pretty). Tomatoes are the natural go to for most lovers of the CAPRESE SALAD and all things Italian. But clearly those well intentioned, but uninitiated have never enjoyed roasted red peppers with their burrata. I am willing to overlook this infraction, but now you have no excuse. Each bite is like a millions tiny angels tickling your balls or breasts. Heaven is calling your name, my friends! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, italian, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: amazing, angels, aphrodisiac, appetizer, baguette, bang, banging, basil, Buddha, burrata, burrata and roasted red pepper recipe, burrata gotta lotta peppers, cake frosting, calivirgin, caprese salad, cheese, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, finger food, food, foreplay, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, italian, jesus, kitchen, libido, Mediterranean, mohammed, mozzarella, naked, olive oil, Olympics, recipe, red bell peppers, roast, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, skiing, snowboarding, tasty, uninitiated, vegetarian, wingman, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 4, 2016
I challenge even the healthiest crackpot ninny out there to call this dish fattening. What you are looking at it is a plate turbo-charged with nutritional awesomeness. Do not let that sway you from indulging in this delightful treat. Eating this uber-healthy dish is similar to sex: it feels good, yet is actually great for you. The same can’t be said about crack cocaine or reality television. Those vices are fun until you find yourself living in an alley mimicking the Hiltons, Hogans or Kardashians. My advice is to stick to kale steaming and orgasm screaming. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, crack cocaine, crackpot, delicious, DIY, easy, fiber, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, Hilton, Hogan, homemade, inhale the kale recipe, intercourse, kale, kardashian, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, ninny, nutritious, orgasm, reality television, recipe, roughage, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame seeds, sex, steamed, steamed sesame kale recipe, tasty, veggies, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 24, 2015
"Where the ho ho ho's at?" - Santa Clause, December 25, 2009
Santa has been a dirty dog. Getting all up in people’s chimneys, drinking their eggnog and kissing mommy. That fat bastard has quite the racket going on. He pretends to be a jolly fat man spreading toys and joys around. But that’s just a cover so he can bang every MILF he can get his sick sausage fingers on. Homeboy gets right into your house, chimney or no, throws some chintzy toys his worker elves made in the North Pole AKA a Chinese sweatshop, and is banging your momma underneath the Christmas tree your family so innocently decorated. And what does he leave behind as a calling card? Cookie crumbs and a half-drank glass of eggnog. But now’s your chance to show the holly jolly sex-fiend who’s boss. Sure he banged your mom in your own house. But that doesn’t mean you can’t use the leftover eggnog to make French toast on Christmas morning. Think of it as a way for your family to bounce back and avoid becoming yet another home broken by Santa Clause. And if Santa just banged your girlfriend or wife instead, take heart that she was probably star-struck, like banging a Backstreet Boy in their hey day. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, holidays, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: backstreet boys, bang, banging, batter, bread, butter, chimney, Chinese sweatshop, chintzy, Christmas tree, delicious, DIY, easy, fat bastard, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, ho ho ho, holly jolly, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, maple syrup, milf, momma, mommy, mother, naked, Naughty eggnog, north pole, nutmeg, raisins, recipe, santa clause, santa’s revenge French toast, sausage fingers, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sex-fiend, tasty, xmas, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 23, 2015
So it’s Christmas time. You may need to bring something to your (or your significant other’s) family holiday party or perhaps you and a sexy someone have decided to do your own Christmas thang. It’s about that time to bust something homemade out to leave an outstanding impression. Make this homemade eggnog recipe you will just do that. If all goes to plan everyone will be too tanked to think of you as anything but a champ. Encourage the lot of them to drink up, be merry. Not merry yet? Have another glass of this naughty nog. After enough glasses of this creamy cocktail and they’d forgive you for banging the dog (do us all a favor and abstain from this). My first experiment with this drink happened during a frightening visit to the ex-Navy colonel father of a girl I was dating after college. She told me about his medals of valor, not to mention his collection of antique guns. This was a delicate situation that was easily defused by strong eggnog I threw together on a whim. By the end of the night Colonel Kill You In Your Sleep was crooning along to Bing Crosby Christmas carols and calling me “son.” The eggnog was like Kevlar and I was the drunken Baby Jesus. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, holidays, libation lubrication, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, winter | Tagged: Alcoholic eggnog, bang, banging, beverage, brandy, Christmas, cold, cream, creamy, decadent, delicious, DIY, drink, drunk, easy, eggnog recipe, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, holidays, homemade, homemade eggnog, intercourse, kitchen, libido, milk, naked, recipe, romance, rum, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soothing, tasty, wet, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 