VIA BANGRIA

August 17, 2012

Via Bangria via mi cama

This recipe comes from Mandy in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. We had to include a boozy recipe with summer finally here. Mandy writes:

Sangria in summer is necessary for me as the free clinic is to a hooker. I can’t live without some cold fruity wine as the sun beats down. The best way to enjoy it is with as little clothing as possible. No clothing is best. There’s no better way to cool you down after stick summer sex. Plus you can pick out the fruit and eat them off your play pal. The best part of this recipe is that it’s a portable party for backyard BBQs, pool parties, or orgies. Read the rest of this entry »


POLENTA THOSE CLOTHES OFF SALAD

July 24, 2012

Polenta it all off, the skivvies too.

Making those pesky clothes vanish is easier than you’d think. Despite the popular folklore that you first must pass a series of relationship tests in order to get there, au contraire. The scientists working around the clock in shifts down in the Cook To Bang lab have discovered a way to leapfrog that major time suck. Polenta draws people sharing it for reasons I could only explain via a Glenn Beck crazy chart. It has the effect even with polar opposites like a hipster honky in pants tighter than the sororitease he’s banging’s black fuck-me pants. Don’t question the science. It just works, like gravity. Or condoms*. Read the rest of this entry »


PICNIC TO BANG

June 8, 2012
Be sure no bear steals your picnic basket while you're banging in the woods.

Be sure no bear steals your picnic basket while you’re banging in the woods.

Food on the go doesn’t always mean artery-shattering fast food in greasy paper bags. Call it a picnic and suddenly you’re the classiest bastard alive.  Cooking at home certainly makes post-meal banging a foregone conclusion, but sometimes you need to mix it up.  Taking your homemade treats elsewhere can be an adventure that allows your date to get comfortable with you.  The clear advantage to a picnic date is not blowing your paycheck at a restaurant.  Plus it’s romantic in spite of it being a tad cliché.  My retort to that is women always flock to recycled cliché romantic comedies ad nausea.  Many a picnic date have yielded me randy rewards. One went so well that I was cited in a park for public indecency when my date and I were caught in the backseat of her Prius, which was surprisingly roomy. Apparently all the parents of impressionable youngsters didn’t appreciate our tomfoolery. Read the rest of this entry »


BLACKENED HEART CATFISH

May 25, 2012
Blackened Catfish, blacker heart

Blackened Catfish, blacker heart

I like my catfish to match the color of my heart: black.  At least that’s what every girl I just banged has said.  Apparently sleeping with someone with no emotion beyond “boy that was fun, but the fact she hasn’t left yet is starting to annoy me” is not nice guy behavior.  Who knew?  I try to make up for my morally bankrupt existence through my culinary endeavors.  Who’s to say that cooking a meal worthy of Jesus, Moses, Mohammed or Yoda can’t redeem oneself?  This blackened catfish should at least temporarily make up for my blackened heart. Read the rest of this entry »


RAINBOW CHARD ON LINGUINE

January 27, 2012

Somewhere over the rainbow, something's turning me on. Must be my Wizard of Oz fantasy.

Nothing gives me a chubby like an aesthetically pleasing plate of food. Not only does it satisfy the hunger pangs, but the emotionally pangs as well. Mark my words, nothing inspires sexy time dessert quite like a beautifully presented meal. How it tastes is almost secondary to how it looks on the plate. Shallow? Perhaps. But don’t question the rules of culinary seduction unless you want that chard on to go to waste. Read the rest of this entry »


TURKEY TURNKEY SEXFAST SINWICH

January 9, 2012
Turn the key and turn them on!

Turn the key and turn them on!

Sometimes banging someone is a struggle to achieve from the get go. Whether they have morals, romantic notions, or are gold diggers that expect a signed contract allocating your internal organs, it can be a pain in the ass. Wouldn’t it be much easier if said piece of ass would open with a simple twist of the key? My thoughts exactly. So I locked myself in the CTB R&D lab for months trying to figure out the formula to turn any meal into a panty skeleton key, but alas I was foiled. But during the course of my CTB travels, I stayed at one such challenge’s home. While she was at work, I rummaged through her kitchen and shopped for a few extra goodies. When she came home on her lunch break, I had this sandwich waiting for her. Let’s just say she was a little late to work and had to explain a questionable stain on her pantsuit. These pics are the meal I made that cracked the code…and bed frame. Read the rest of this entry »


FINE AS HELL BELL PEPPER SOUP

January 2, 2012
With this soup, you'll always say, "Check mate!"

With this soup, you’ll always say, “Check mate!”

You are looking oh so fine!
I’ll warm you up and make you mine,
Ignore these less than stellar rhymes,
Just say yes to a little wine and dine!

Your creamy texture makes me yell,
I get all bent for your spicy smell,
Orgasms peak at the dinner bell,
Making the pious say, “What the hell?”

You make a player from a leper
A cocky bastard from a half-stepper
I collect coin with every endeavor
Cause you’re my little bell pepper.

rep pepper soup prepTotal time: approximately 80 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: LECHEROUS LEPRECHAUN

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ tsp of CAYENNE PEPPER
2. ½ tsp of cumin
3. 1 can of chicken stock (veg for vegan)
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. ½ can of coconut milk
6. Black pepper to taste
7. ½ tsp of garlic salt
8. 3 red bell peppers
9. 1 onion chopped coarsely

Step 1
Roast the bell peppers in the oven at 400 degrees F until the skin blackens (approx 45 min).  Remove from oven and throw them in a sealed bag.  Refrigerate until they cool (approx 15 min), remove the skin and chop coarsely.rep pepper soup roast

Step 2
While awaiting the peppers to cool, sauté the onions with the olive oil on medium heat.  Add the garlic salt, cayenne pepper and cumin and cook in the flavor (approx 5 min).  Add the red bell peppers and the black pepper and let them soak up some taste (approx 2 min).rep pepper soup saute

Step 3
Pour in the stock, bring to a roaring boil, and then simmer closed until the veggies soften (approx 15 min).  Puree the madness and then add the coconut milk and stir thoroughly.rep pepper soup simmer pureerep pepper soup served 2

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TWICE BANGED POTATOES

November 16, 2011
Because banging once is never enough!

Because banging once is never enough!

Why bang once when you can bang twice or thrice and on and on?  The first banging session is a warm up, a mulligan if you will.  Sure it’s like the first ascent of a famed mountain peak, but sometimes you are too exhausted to really take in the view.  Now that you’re onto round two you can savor it.  You’ve been here before, so you are appreciating new aspects like the pubic foliage.  I hope that the arduous journey (cooking) was worth the destination (banging).  It would have to be if you are coming back for a sequel.  If Godfather II, Empire Strikes Back and Evil Dead 2 taught us anything, it’s that the second time can be sweeter than the first.  So warm that shit back up for late night spooning. Read the rest of this entry »


SUN-DRIED SEX APPEAL PASTA

September 26, 2011
Enjoy this pasta responsibly by wearing at least SPF 15 when you bang outdoors.

Enjoy this pasta responsibly by wearing at least SPF 15 when you bang outdoors.

All that time in the sun will do one of two things: in youth, it makes you look hotter and more desirable; but as the years wear on, all that sunlight can reduce your body to a leather handbag.  I have witnessed many sun-worshipping hotties wither away in a matter of years.  What a waste of a perfectly hard body.  Anyway…this digression was brought to you by Coppertone suntan lotion.  The point to all this warbling is that drying yourself out in the sun is not sexy, but doing the same to a tomato makes my engines revs.  See I’m totally gay for tomatoes as is.  But when you concentrate the lycopene-laced flavor and it becomes like Spanish Fly.  Sex appeal oozes at your pores the moment you throw the sun-dried love into the mix.  This simple pasta dish went from a subdued “Yay…” to a scream-from-the-highest-rooftop “How you like me now?!”  Enjoy this pasta responsibly by wearing at least SPF 15 when you bang outdoors. Read the rest of this entry »


VIAGRA-MELON SOUP

August 23, 2011
Forget the little blue pill.  Try the big green melon!

Forget the little blue pill. Try the big green melon!

Are you feeling weak-willed, pathetic and flaccid?  You no longer have an excuse with this outstanding summer soup recipe.  Studies have proven that the citrulline in WATERMELON triggers arginine, the chemical in Viagra that gets male pistons pumping.  This soup will turbo charge your libido so you can take plenty of prisoners in the bedroom who won’t want to be released.  Stockholm Syndrome will be in effect with the amount of good loving you will be dishing out in a soup bowl.  Did I mention how refreshing chilled watermelon soup tastes, especially when you go for seconds after a particularly exhausting banging session?  Now get yourself to the market and then blow your dates mind, body and soul.  Boom-chicka-wah-wah! Read the rest of this entry »