January 28, 2016
Who’s your papa? Some guy I hope to never meet.
I have never quite gotten the expression, “Who’s your daddy?” This phrase is usually uttered by some machismo douche-asaurus banging some bar skank with a tramp stamp tattoo and daddy issues. I supposed that is appropriate considering she is looking for a father figure and he is fulfilling a stereotype. But think about it for a moment. Who wants to fantasize about banging a family member? Last I checked incest is lower on the evolutionary scale than bestiality. Sure I fantasize about banging someone else’s family members, but that is above the board and legal. I’m more likely to grunt in the throes of wanton lust, “Who’s your daddy’s favorite employee?” Bob, if you’re reading this, this is purely hypothetical and I did not engage in illicit fornication in your boathouse while wearing your prized captain’s hat. I also have no idea where those stains on the wall came from. But I do know where that papaya salsa that you and your delightfully innocent daughter are enjoying. Handcrafted by the same hands that help run your empire. You’re welcome. Do you mind if I borrow Rochelle for sec? I need her help tossing this salad. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
January 27, 2016
You’re a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!
Hear that high-pitched sound not unlike a champagne glass shattering against the wall? That’s a million hearts being broken by this ass-gettin’ APHRODISIAC appetizer. The hook is that it’s baked, not deep-fried, keeping those asses slimmer and more inclined to get down later. Don’t wallow in bloated oily malaise. Bake those hearts before you break more hearts. I figured this out when I brought a platter for a playoff party. The diehard fans were crushed by the loss, but they took solace with my healthy-ish finger food. One particularly devastated, but delicious female fan got an extra dose of comforting by the chef. Soon her sorrow over her team’s seasonal demise was overshadowed by the fact I didn’t call her again. I still feel bad, but my calendar is jam-packed for the next month with more hearts to break. Next! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, artichoke, artichoke heartbreakers recipe, baked, baked artichoke hearts, bang, banging, baseball, breadcrumbs, breaded artichoke hearts, champagne, comfort, cooking spray, delicious, DIY, dodgers, easy, egg, fans, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, flour, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mayonnaise, mlb, naked, not fried, parmesan, phillies, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sun dried tomato, sun-dried tomato aioli, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 26, 2016
- Thai me up, Thai me down, Thai one on!
That’s right! You know how to do what you do so do it. Ooh ooh, baby, do it one more time. I can’t get enough of your tasty taste. It’s so exotic, so flavorful, so foreign to my white bread existence. Suddenly all the TV Dinner memories are evaporating into adventures in Thailand. I’m on a beach getting my hair braided. I’m in the jungle communing with shaman living in a tree house. I’m in Bangkok breaking all 10 Commandments. It’s all because you spice up my life. Keep it up. Now that I’ve tasted the East, these noodles will keep the memories alive at the very least. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, poultry, RECIPES, spicy, thai | Tagged: 10 commandments, asian, bang, Bangkok, Bangkok dangerous, beach, braided, broccoli, carbohydrates, carbs, chicken, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, happy ending, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, kwong hung seng sauce, mushroom, naked, noodles, oh baby!, oyster sauce, Pad see ew recipe, pad see ooh baby, recipe, rice noodles, seduce, sex, shaman, siam, simple pad see ew, spicy, stir fry, sweet, tasty, thai, Thailand, tree house, tv dinner, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 25, 2016
Enjoy the tsunami of edamame!
I don’t mind admitting I am a mama’s boy. Sure some conservatives might call me morally bankrupt. But I scoff at them because I still have a good relationship with my mother. She’s the one who taught me how to cook after all. Sure I may have taken the foundations of her teachings and used it to get girls out of my league to sleep with me. But isn’t that what innovation is all about? Take something simple like the act of cooking and run wild in a field or devious dandelions. That’s what I have done with edamame. Sure they taste great on their own, like nature’s candy. But I wanted to sex it up a bit. What better way to do that than smother them in aphrodisiacal flavor and roast them to perfection? Take it from this edamame’s boy; you will be happy you took my cue. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, Japanese, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, delicious, DIY, easy, edamame, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, Japanese, kitchen, libido, mama’s boy, naked, nature’s candy, recipe, roast, roast edamame recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame chili oil, sex, soy beans, soy sauce, spicy, tasty, toss, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 21, 2016
Stuff Me? Stuff You!
I’m sure someone has told you at some point in your life to “Get Stuffed” or something like that in one language or another. In essence they are telling you to get banged, which in some ways is a rather considerate suggestion. We all could do with a little more stuffing. Everyone would be a whole lot nicer without sexual frustration inspiring dickishness to the masses. It very well could be the solution to terrorism, the recession and what really happened to the dinosaurs. Attention Nobel Foundation: Please send the peace prize directly to my underground lab. In celebration, let’s stuffed some eggplant with our favorite meat and recognize that even in turbulent times, we still need to enjoy life. Cook To Bang, making the world a better-fed and sexier place. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bake stirfry, bang, beef, bell pepper, cashew nuts, chicken, Chinese stirfry eggplant recipe, delicious, dinosaurs, easy, eggplant, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, get stuffed, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, naked, nobel prize, oyster sauce, peace, pork, recession, recipe, sex, sexual frustration, soy sauce, Stuffed eggplant recipe, tasty, terrorism, tofu, wok, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 20, 2016
X marks the G-spot
Arrr! Ahoy, maties! I spot a hard body off the starboard bow! Land ho (or was that hos?)! We shall not rest until we collect all the doubloons in their pantaloons. Plunder everything you can before we make off into the night. We shall woo them with our finest spices traded from the far East. The healthier, shinier, and tastier the treasure, the better! If you don’t like your captain’s skullduggery, walk the plank!
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Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, healthy, Japanese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: ahoy, aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, black pepper, cilantro, crushed red pepper, cucumber, cucumber salad recipe, delicious, DIY, doubloons, easy, food, g spot, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, Japanese, kitchen, libido, maties, naked, pantaloons, panty plunder cucumber salad, pirates, plunder, quick, recipe, rice vinegar, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, skullduggery, starboard bow, tasty, treasure, vegan, vegetarian, walk the plant, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 19, 2016
Come along and munch on our fig-tastic...
The journey to the center of this aphrodisiac is about to begin. First we’ll shrink ourselves down using technology we reversed-engineered from the potion our corporate spy Alice swiped from Wonderland. Now that we are tiny as microbes, the real adventure begins. Our goal? To figure out what makes figs so goddamn sexy. Our field-tests have proven that the probability of premarital sex after consuming fresh figs rises exponentially. One might just say it becomes a foregone conclusion. Regardless, we need to understand the science so that we can duplicate it, shrink it into pill form and mass-market to college kids. Only then can the next fantastic voyage begin. All aboard! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bang, banging, Boursin cheese, delicious, DIY, easy, fantastic voyage, fig brie crackers recipe, fig jam, fig-tastic voyage, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, multi-grain crackers, naked, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 18, 2016
Flirty, dirty and wordy. This sandwich offers all manners of sinful delights.
This turkey sandwich is no ordinary sandwich. It has sex appeal scientists are struggling to devise a method of measuring. It can’t help flirting with everyone its path. This sandwich has won over everyone it has met besides a few vegetarians who are questioning their own eating habits. That is the power of said sandwich. The tantalizing melted brie cheese, cranberry goodness, creamy aphrodisiac-laden avocado and crunchy bread dares to take you where no sandwich has gone before. You almost forget your eating a sandwich at all. It seems more like nosh meant for the gods who happen to be food snobs. I made this sandwich and God said it was good. God said it was damn good and paused time so he could have second. Amen! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, fusion, healthy, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, brie cheese, cranberries, dairy, deli meat, delicious, dijon mustard, DIY, easy, flirt, Flirty turkey brie sinwich, food, food snobs, game changer, get laid, god, gourmet, gourmet toasted turkey sandwich recipe, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jesus, kitchen, lunch, mayonnaise, naked, poultry, recipe, seduce, sex, sliced turkey, sourdough bread, tantalizing, tasty, toast, tomato, turkey, vegetarians, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 15, 2016
Come Mrs. Tallyman, fondle me banana
For the record, Cook To Bang isn’t telling you to bang your nana. That is illegal in most countries and frowned upon everywhere else with the possible exception of Sweden. Why do you think they call it a Swedish pancake? Yet I digress, a bad habit since my ADHD childhood. Bananas are among my favorite fruits. Taste and phallic suggestiveness aside, the magnesium, potassium, riboflavin and B Vitamins run through the love machine you call your body like premium oil used in sports cars driven by men substituting for what they lack. But that’s not your problem. Is it, fellas? Even if it is, fret no longer. Bananas also turbo-charge the male libido with the enzyme bromelain. The fact “bro” is in the enzyme’s scientific name should not be lost on you. Fire up the griddle and make pancakes…in bed. Then make breakfast.
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Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: adhd, aphrodisiac, baking powder, banana, banana peanut butter pancake recipe, bang, banging, bangnana pancakes, batter, boudoir, breakfast, bro, bromelain, brown sugar, brunch, butter, carbohydrates, carbs, classic, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, enzyme, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, griddle, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, love machine, magnesium, maple syrup, milk, morning, naked, nana, peanut butter, pecans, phallic, potassium, premium oil, recipe, riboflavin, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sports car, Swedish pancakes, tasty, vegetarian, vitamin b, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 13, 2016
Pudding & Poontang: My comfort foods.
Rice pudding is comfort food. Comfort = connection. Connection= banging. You can’t argue with sound logic. Granted, rice pudding isn’t as sexy as a chocolate soufflé or crème brule. But it warms the heart and inspires the mind. That is the conclusion I came to when I served this dessert to a date I assumed was a total prude. She was a colder fish than the chilled cocktail shrimp I served as an appetizer. Not even the MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE could get her to flirt back. I was ready to admit defeat (something I rarely do) and show her to the door. But then I broke out the rice pudding I had chilling in the fridge. The ice in my frigid date’s heart and the block of ice between her legs thawed. She made the first move and the second and…let’s just say I felt a little violated after. Good thing I had more rice pudding to comfort me when she left after using me for sex. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, indian, mexican, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, brown sugar, cinnamon, cold fish, comfort food, dairy, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, frigid, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, milk, naked, nutmeg, poon, prude, raisins, recipe, rice, rice pudding poontang, rice pudding recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sweet, tasty, vanilla extract, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 