August 19, 2015
Once you popsicle you can’t stop, sicko!
It was only a matter of time before COOK TO BANG invaded the popsicle world. Summer is here and we need a cool and refreshing way to rev up our libidos. Look no further than the CTB Pornsicle series. We’re talking frozen pops loaded with APHRODISIACS and attitude. This is the perfect post-coital treat to get your loins a much-needed recharge for Round 2 banging your divine date demands. Feel free to include these frozen phallic pops are perfect to include in your culinarylingus activities. With fewer calories and natural ingredients, why would you lick anything else?
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RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac popsicle, bang, banging, basil, brown sugar, cold, culinarylingus, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frozen aphrodisiac, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, heat, homemade, ice pop, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, phallic, recipe, refreshing, round 2, seduce, sex, summer, tasty, Viagra-melon pornsicle recipe, watermelon, watermelon basil popsicle, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
August 17, 2015
Mickey D’s ain’t got nuthin’ on this morning delight
So your date has slept over and has a ridiculous craving for some artery clogging McDonalds. How gross and inconvenient! You can indulge their desire, save time and money, plus you’ll blow their mind with this vast improvement over the fast food original. This fine breakfast dish is extremely simple to prepare, plus it can be relatively healthy, thus giving you some much-needed nutrients depleted by a morning in bed. I first made this dish on a whim using minimal ingredients when a one-night stand demanded I drive her 3 miles away to the nearest fast food purveyor. First, I despise haphazardly prepared food, but more importantly I was only interested in one thing, and the Egg McMuffin demand was cock-blocking me. Luckily my ingenuity worked out A-OK. We both got what we wanted and I never saw her again. Ha! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, breakfast sandwich, cream cheese, delicious, easy, egg, Egg mcbangin, egg mcmuffin, egg sandwich, fancy, fast, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, naked, over easy, recipe, romance, sandwich, SEDUCTION, sex, sinwich, toast, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 14, 2015
Too hot to handle, Too cold to hold. They call this an aphrodisiac, Now go and be bold!
I feel ya! Now feel me. Go on. Reach out and take hold. Wondering what that hot sensation is? It’s my caliente Latin vibe making your brow sweat, heart race, and loins go pitter-patter. Who says boozy drinks can only be sweet, sour, or bloody boring? A pox on thy lame house! How about a spicy alcoholic beverage that is sure to prime them for the night’s inevitable conclusion? That, my friends, is taking the initiative. Your date will never accuse you of having an apologetic palette. Now be sure to feel them as they feel ya tequila. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, libation lubrication, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: a pox on thy house, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, bartender, beverage, booze, caliente, cocktail, delicious, DIY, easy, food, funny, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hot, I feel ya tequila, intercourse, kitchen, latin, Latino, libido, lime, love, mixologist, naked, recipe, romance, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chilies, sex, simple syrup, spicy cocktail, spicy tequila cocktail, sugar, tasty, tequila, vibe, water, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 12, 2015
One good bang deserves another.
Sometimes the second round of banging can top the first. Sure it isn’t as fresh as the first kill (figuratively speaking, Rambo) during a conquest. But your sexy time date’s flavor sets in a little and becomes familiar and welcoming. Soon you will be reaching for them on a regular basis, happy for more of the same. While I’m enjoying my salad days where I’m sampling everything at the buffet before I get serious about one dish, I see the appeal. It’s like that perfect slice of fish that you can’t pass up in favor of the juicy chicken cordon bleu. The same rules apply with this salad. I grilled an outstanding slab of salmon for party of 20 (sorry I didn’t document) and ended up with a fridge full of leftovers. Adding the salmon to the salad was almost an afterthought, like banging the person sleeping next to you while you’re half asleep. Good thing for that. This salad satisfied the hungry girl from the party who stayed the night…and half the next day.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay or an Arnold Palmer (w/ vodka if you’re hardcore)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp of feta cheese
2. 1 cucumber sliced thinly
3. 1 tbsp vinegar (chef’s choice)
4. 1 tbsp lemon juice
5. 1 tbsp olive oil
6. 2 massive handfuls romaine lettuce chopped coarsely
7. ½ onion chopped finely
8. 1 carrot peeled, sliced thinly
9. 2 handfuls leftover SALMON
10. 1 handful kalamata olives
Step 1
Create the dressing by mixing up the onion, olive oil, vinegar and lemon juice.
Step 2
Toss the lettuce, cucumber, carrots, de-pitted olives and dressing.
Step 3
Spoon plates of salad and crown with the salmon and feta cheese
Serve up the salad solo, or with a SINWICH or SOUP or both!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, fusion, greek, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: bang, banging, carrot, cucumber, delicious, DIY, dressing, easy, feta cheese, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grilled salmon salad recipe, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kalamata olives, kitchen, lemon juice, lettuce, libido, naked, olive oil, onion, recipe, romaine, Round 2 salmon salad recipe, salmon, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sleepover, tasty, toss your salad, vinegar, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 7, 2015
How about a hot date on your plate?
Don’t be shy. Do the cha cha across the kitchen, through the dining room, and on into the bedroom. Nice moves, slick! I had no idea two left feet just meant a whole lot of cha cha-ing around and around. Keep it up. Move with confidence. There is no clearer way to get what your lustful little heart desires. Serving up a Middle East feast will surely earn you some brownie points, especially if you’re eying some sexy little thing in a hijab. A better recipe there could not be for breaking down their religion’s ordained celibacy one bite at a time. That is when you will really need your cha cha A-game to pull off the implausible. To any jihadists reading, please understand this is tongue-in-cheek face and not meant to inspire martyrdom in my kitchen. Allah akbar, my friends!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red vino or POMMELONTINI BIKINI
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil
2. 1 tbsp tahini
3. 1 lemon
4. 2 chicken breasts
5. 5 dates
6. 6 1 handful minced shallots
7. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
8. 1 dash sea salt (not pictured)
Step 1
Marinate the chicken in 1/2 lemon of juice and sea salt (approx 10 min). Chop the chicken into bite-sized pieces.
Step 2
Sauté the garlic and shallots in olive oil on medium heat (approx 1 min). Remove the date pits and chop finely. Throw the dates, tahini, and remaining lemon juice into the pan. Cook until the juice evaporates and it is the consistency of paste (approx 3 min). Add the chicken and cook thoroughly so the sauce coats the meat (approx 4 min).
Step 3
If you are rocking cous cous with your chicken, you are stoked! Lay the cous cous evenly over the plate. Create a hole in the middle and fill it with your chicken.
Wowzers! This is one bona fide feast fit for a player of your caliber.
Leave a Comment » | IT’S ON!-TREES, Middle Eastern, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: a-game, allah akbar, bang, banging, carbohydrates, cha cha, chicken, confidence, cook, cous cous, dance, dates, datey chicken cha cha recipe, delicious, DIY, easy, entree, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hijab, homemade, intercourse, Israeli, jihadist, kitchen, lemon, libido, lustful, martyrdom, Middle east, naked, olive oil, Palestinian, recipe, sauté, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shallots, tahini, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 3, 2015
Brie-lieve in yourself, and your date will believe any BS you tell them.
Your idea of fine wine and cheese may be a box of Franzia and cheese whiz on a Ritz. But that road will lead you down a date with your own reflection, or possibly your mom’s bridge club treasurer. You would be much better served taking a few minutes to razzle dazzle your sexy someone with some tricks of the oven. Serving Brie cheese screams out, “I am indeed sophisticated and quite possibly speak French…when I’m not freelancing as an art appraiser for the Royal Family that is.” I concocted this delight after seeing something similar dish at a dinner party. The chef responsible was forced to endure pointed questions about how and what from the cutest girl at the table. Naturally, I took note of both the chef in question’s game and his rock star recipe. Some tweaks were in order to turn it into kryptonite for the most frigid of lust interests. Walnuts make everything better, particularly when brown sugar caramelizes them into a dish heretofore unstoppable. If baked Brie served with bread and a bottle of cabernet won’t get the job done, I suggest a trip to the vet to get neutered.
Ingredients:
1. 1/8 stick of butter
2. 1 handful of crushed walnuts
3. 2 tablespoons of brown sugar
4. 5 thin slices of a pear
5. 1 pie piece of Brie cheese
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 300 degrees. Grease a baking pan with a little butter. Use the pear slices as a bed for the brie to sit on top of. Use the rest of the butter and spread over the brie. Spread the brown sugar evenly over the brie/butter. Finally crown it all with the walnuts like the royalty that it is.
Step 2
Throw your culinary creation into the oven and bake for 30 minutes. The brown sugar will be caramelized and the cheese supple as a Vestal Virgin. Serve on plate with slices of French bread or crackers and let the wanton lust take control of the mighty impressed object of your affection.
1 Comment | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, baked, baked brie, brown sugar, caramelized, cheese, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, pear, simple, sliced French bread, walnuts | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 31, 2015
Groovy booty, fresh and fruity
You’ve done good tonight. A for effort! All the effort you put into the meal should have earned you enough street cred by now to make the move. But should you choose the road of sweet temptation, try this ridiculously easy dessert. It’s great solo or with ice cream, but also compliments many meals like Orangasmic Catfish. You will appear to be a kitchen god who cooks like a champ so probably bangs like a champ too. Be sure to allow time to roast while your date enjoys the magnificent maestro’s meal.
Ingredients:
1. 2 mangoes
2. 1 tablespoon of brown sugar
3. 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
4. 1 dollup of honey
Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cut the mango in half, remove the pit, leave the skin and cut bite size piece into the mango meat.
Step 2
Add the brown sugar, cinnamon and honey into the holes where the mango pits were.
Step 3
Cook in the oven for 35-45 minutes until the honey, brown sugar and cinnamon becomes a gooey syrup.
Step 4
By now your kitchen should smell great, which should impress the hell out of your lucky date. Serve it up with other food or ice cream and before you know it…BANG!
Variations:
• This recipe can also be made with peaches, nectarines or apples where you hollow out the core so the gooeyness can take it off the chain!
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: a la mode, cinnamon, dessert, fruit, gooey, honey, ice cream, mango, roasted, side dish, sugar, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 29, 2015
Let your date guess what they’re tasting. They will be surprised and aroused.
Shandy, you dandy randy non-brandy. This is a classic British drink that runs the gamut of concoctions from the mundane: beer mixed with 7-Up to the insane: beer mixed lighter fluid and sharks blood. Let’s just call this one a compromise that is Forest Gump stupid easy to make. The garnishes make all the difference. The mint, lime and lemons are like the tuxedo that covers up a pair of tighty whiteys. Shandy’s are refreshingly intoxicating and are perfect to cool your hot steamy ass off. After all, Shandy’s were the drink of choice for the British imperialists occupying nation a whole muggier than their cooler limey homes. So make like an imperialist swine and occupy some territory in your date’s pantalones. Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | british, libation lubrication, RECIPES | Tagged: alcohol, alcoholic beverage, bang, banging, booze, british, british empire, colonies, delicious, DIY, drink, easy, food, forest gump, frozen lemonade concentrate, game changer, garnishes, get laid, gourmet, gourmet shandy recipe, guarantee, homemade, imperialist, inexpensive beer, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, lemonade beer cocktail recipe, lemonane shandy, libido, lime, mint leaves, naked, occupy territory, pantalones, panty dropping shandy recipe, recipe, refreshing, seduce, sex, shandy recipe, suds, summer, tasty, tighty whiteys, tuxedo, UK, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 24, 2015
The ancient fable spoke of a golden era of cooking and banging.
Read through the footnotes of the Kama Sutra and you will learn about a mysterious dish with incomparable sexual power. This dish had not been created then, but was predicted by a great Indian psychic. I took the liberty of deciphering the ancient Sanskrit because I am a power hungry sociopath. My goal was to control the opposite sex’s minds. So far so good. I can get my stable to sit, fetch and bend over. Good girls! The simplicity of grilled fish and a salad makes this one of the easiest methods of keeping someone you want to bang under your spell. Now I pass along this fabled recipe to you. Grill with God! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, summer | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, coals, delicious, dill, DIY, easy, fable, fables maple salmon recipe, fast, fish, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, grill with god, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kama sutra, kitchen, libido, naked, recipe, Sanskrit, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sociopath, summer, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 22, 2015
Foux da fafa all the way to the bedroom!
You gotta hand it to the French. No one pulls off being a bunch of fancy bitches quite like them. You’ll look like a goddamn pansy if you try to replicate without the accent. But for some reason they can act ass all sissy la la and it’s totally acceptable. So when it comes to cooking French-style cuisine, I always speak in a ridiculous accent, wear a beret, and engage in all things French: French fries, French kisses, French ticklers. Ca va? Tres bonne. Ca va et toi? Breakfast will never be the same once Frenchy McFrenchface comes to play. Read the rest of this entry »
8 Comments | dairy, french, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: accent, bacon, bang, banging, beret, breakfast, brie cheese, ca va, calivirgin, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, fancy bitches, food, France, french, French kisses, French style eggs, French ticklers, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, morning, naked, olive oil, ooh le le breakfast, pansy, recipe, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spinach, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 