October 19, 2015
“I’m long, and I’m strong, and I’m down to get the friction on!” – Sir Mix-A-Lot
Chicken salad makes most people think of a backyard luncheon on a Sunday afternoon after church. The respectable ladies wear their hats, fan themselves with the hymnal handouts, and nibble on dull chicken salad made with chicken, mayo, and sliced celery. I don’t blame you for dismissing chicken salad as a big old snooze-fest. But what if you substituted Mrs. Anderson’s usual yawn-inducing specialty with the Cook To Bang version turbo-loaded with all things banging? You got yourself a Whitesnake video in the backyard. The ladies will rip holes in their Sunday best, crawl across the foldout tables, and shake their teased hair around as if there’s an oversized fan conveniently blowing. The men, the good reverend included, will headbang and mosh, Jell-O cubes flying everywhere. Careful where you serve this salad! Cook To Bang is no liable for the aftermath.
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Posted by cooktobang
October 16, 2015
If you don’t like succulent food, you can suck it.
Can you slice a watermelon with a katana blade? Do you use nunchucks to pound out pizza dough? Can you catch a fly with chopsticks? Then you are a kitchen ninja. Clearly your rigorous training has paid off because your culinary concoctions are deadly delicious. You make the knuckleheads competing on Top Chef look like low-level samurai sous chefs. Now it’s time to drop a sake bomb in your home kitchen in the ultimate mission: sexual culinary conquest. There’s an unattainable geisha whose lotus flower has not been plucked in many rice harvests. It’s time to mix your Japanese fighting style with some Western flavor to make funky fusion food. Assemble your fiercest weapon: APHRODISIACS and make your sensei proud. Should you fail, you must perform hari-kari. Now go get ‘em, you nasty ninjas! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, french, fusion, Japanese, RECIPES, seafood, SINWICHES | Tagged: ahi, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, burger, delicious, easy, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, hamburger buns, intercourse, Japanese, kitchen, lime, mayonnaise, naked, recipe, romance, sandwich, seared ahi sandwich recipe, seared ahi tuna, SEDUCTION, sesame seeds, sex, sprouts, succulent, sushi, Sushi sandwich recipe, sushi-grade, tasty, tomato, tuna, tuna burger recipe, wasabi, wasabi mayonnaise recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 14, 2015
This breakfast is like so spiritual and full of heady karma, man.
The dirty longhairs have taken over breakfast! At least one that I picked up at a summer concert did. Mind you, she was a hot young not-yet-jaded hippie, but a hippie all the same. The previous night she proved herself to be a carnivore repeatedly stuffing a certain meat into her mouth. But come morning when the alcohol and whatever mind-alerting bohemian substance she may have been on wore off, the self-righteous hippie returned. There I was casually frying up bacon when she started lecturing me all about how the poor little piggies suffered. But this hippie-crite hottie was more than happy to eat eggs, neglecting to bemoan the miserable conditions of egg-laying hens. So I assembled the veggies in my fridge and did my best to improvise. This aphrodisiac triple-threat turned out pretty damn good for a meal on the fly. Good enough for me to bang her again before I inadvertently pissed her off when she saw the sign in my bathroom that reads: HIPPIES USE SIDE DOOR (no exceptions!). That saved me the trouble of announcing I was going seal clubbing that afternoon so she would leave. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
October 12, 2015
Lox them up and throw away the key!
Parents, you have been warned. Now that this ridonkulously easy recipe is public knowledge, the world of culinary seduction just got a little easier. All those innocent girls yearning to spread their wings shall descend upon the bait laid out for them. Once they’ve had a taste of this forbidden fruit, all bets are off. I know that the Religious Right are gritting their teeth and preparing a contingency plan. Sorry, suckers. There’s nothing you can do now but pray really HARD. The rest of us will be cooking and BANGING really HARD. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, french, healthy, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, avocado, awesome, bait, bang, boursin, cheese, classy, daughters, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, finger food, fish, french, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, Lox spread, naked, perfect, recipe, seafood, seduce, sex, smoked salmon, spread, tasty, trap, water cracker, wings, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 9, 2015
Mamacita Carnitas will make you bang like cheetahs
Hey hey Mamacita!
So glad to meet ya!
Come over, I’ll treat ya
So sit and down eat, yah?
Mexican food brings me much joy and comfort. Somehow I don’t feel unique for that. Pretty much every date I’ve served sumptuous South of the border nibbles responds in kind. The hot like a cheetah mamacita just comes out. It’s on at that point with no turning back. You can’t close Pandora’s box of bodacious body bumping. So heed my disclaimer: Unimaginable pleasure will result from whipping these carnitas up. Those with whack taste buds and distaste for debauchery should probably find a new recipe site. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
October 5, 2015
Dont be a prick-ly pear.
All earthly creatures do it in their own way. Giraffes do it standing up, their long necks intertwined. Male spider monkeys will grab their female partner mid-air, hump them, and release before they even hit the ground. Humans have all kinds of mating rituals from courting over food, to bringing in toys to “bring the spark back”, to discussing the relationship ad nausea post-coital. And within the human genus, we have countless subsets of this behavior. We are an odd species to be sure. Aliens who enslave us two decades from now will be hard-pressed to figure out how to get us to toil away on the Vectarion reactors. I’ll make it simple for them: give us food and let us bang. We’ll take it from there, Remulox. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, fusion, healthy, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alien conquerors, aliens, bang, banging, blend, cactus, cilantro, condiment, condom-ments, delicious, discussing the relationship, DIY, easy, food, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, giraffe, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, human genus, intercourse, jalapeños, kitchen, libido, lime, mating rituals, mexican, mexico, naked, nopales, post-coital, prickly pear, recipe, remulox, salsa, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sex toys, sexual practice, sexual practice cactus salsa, spicy, spider monkeys, tasty, vectarion reactor, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 4, 2015
Poof go the panties!
Some desserts inspire you to moan with pleasure. Others make you close your eyes and take in all the flavors. But there are some desserts so damn tasty that your underwear disappears. Meet these Frenchy French poached pears sure to set back the Celebrities Keep Your Panties On Organization a decade. As soon as the herpes harpies like Lindsay, Britney, and Paris take a bite, the upskirt paparazzi patrol will be out in force. My apologies for exposing the world to such villainy. But alas, you can use this dessert as a powerful Hail Mary in your arsenal when your date is resisting your bang campaign. Warning: Side effects will include your underwear vanishing too.
Total time: Approximately 25 minutes (or longer if you refrigerate overnight)
Projected cost: $7
Drinking buddy: Champagne
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 cup cheap red wine
2. 1/2 cup white sugar
3. 2 pears
4. 1 lemon
5. 4 cloves
Step 1
Peel, halve, and core the pears.
Step 2
On med-low heat, pour in the wine and sugar. Zest the lemon and squeeze in the juice. Toss in the cloves. Bring to a boil, and then lower heat to a simmer.
Step 3
Put the pear halves, flat end down, and poach for 10 minutes. Flip the pear halves over and poach the rounded halves for another 10 minutes. Remove the pears and reduce the wine sauce by half. Pour the sauce over the pears. You can either serve immediately with ice cream or refrigerate overnight and enjoy cold.
5 Comments | french, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, Britney spears, Celebrities Keep Your Panties On Organization, cloves, cook, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, french, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hail mary, herpes harpies, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, Lindsay lohan, naked, pantyless, pantyless poached pears, paparazzi, paris Hilton, pears, poach, recipe, red wine, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side effects, sweet, tasty, underwear, upskirt, vegan, vegetarian, white sugar, wine poached pears recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 2, 2015
This lemonade is SOOO HARD right now!
Ever have a lemonade stand with a janky misspelled cardboard sign offering: LEMMONAID 4 SAIL. Sure your mother did all the work and you only earned 35 cents, but you showed entrepreneurial spunk! What a difference a little vodka could have made. Read the rest of this entry »
4 Comments | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, libation lubrication, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholic lemonade recipe, bang, beverage, delicious, drink, drinkable, drinking, drunk, easy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, Hard lemonade recipe, hard on, hardcore, homemade lemonade, intercourse, kitchen, lemons, libation lubrication, mint, moist, naked, party, raging, recipe, refreshing, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple syrup recipe, social lubricant, strawberries, strawberry lemonade recipe, sugar, tasty, vegetarian, vodka, wet, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 30, 2015
Of course I'll quese-do-ya!!!
Diddle me this. Diddle me that. Who’s afraid of getting fat? Not I, says the COOK TO BANG chefs who cook healthy, badass food, and then subsequently burn off those calories banging like chimpanzees on meth. So we can afford to indulge in a little turbocharged bar food every once in a while. You deserve to make something ridiculously easy that earns you props from the prissy crowd who “don’t usually indulge in such low brow foods.” So long as they put out after they are put in their place I am down to put up with them. Aren’t the whiners the most satisfying to bang senseless? It’s like wearing out their motor mouths by stuffing they with the tastiest of treats. Ain’t no stopping you from getting some peace…of ass. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, bang, bar food, Chicken mango quesadilla recipe, chicken quesadilla recipe, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, finger food, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hands off, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, mango, mango chicken recipe, mexican, mexico, naked, olive oil, quick, recipe, roast chicken, salt, sampler, seduce, sex, sports bar, tasty, tortilla, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 28, 2015
Embrace the vodka on your plate and in your glass
This Italian mafia recipe will never sleep with the fishes. This vodka penne is “a friend of mine” because it’s tasty and easy to prepare. The only thing getting whacked is the pig used to make the prosciutto. Lucky you. Be sure to remind your date knows how lucky they are to enjoy this fine dish from the old country. The vodka flatters the tomatoes and garlic with compliments, plus you can challenge your date to take shots while you cook. Think you can make an easier, tastier vodka penne from scratch? Forget about it! Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 