November 23, 2015
Getting randy with candied carrots is dandy.
Carrots are often overlooked as an unsexy, utilitarian vegetable. You might think the coolest thing to do with it is make a nose for Frosty the Snowman. Bully to that I say. Those suckers have never enjoyed the sweet, tender taste of a carrot candied to perfection. They have never used carrots as a side dish so sensational that the entrée looks like a chump. Once they’ve felt their knees knock, toes curl, and eyes roll into the back of their head, they will never sully the good name of carrots again. The beta-carotene alone helping you see your lover clearly in the dark should be reason enough. It’s all about those sweet and savory flavors one-upping each other to give you the first of many oral orgasms. Tongues spasming and dreamy eyes gazing are to be expected. This may not be the most appropriate Christmas dinner side dish considering these Randy Candied Carrots could inspire Grandma to discuss in detail her flings with jazzmen in 40’s nightclubs. But rest assured, you will be the much-lauded champ wherever you bring these.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on the entrée, but tis the season for vino
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 bunch carrots
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash cumin
6. 1/4 stick butter
7. 1 tbsp brown sugar
8. 1 cinnamon stick
9. 1 orange
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Cut the ends off the carrots, wash them and set them in a baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast until the carrots soften (approx 30 min).
Step 2
Halfway through the carrot roasting, melt the butter in a pan, adding the cinnamon stick. Peel or zest the orange so you have small slivers. Cut the orange in half. Throw the orange zest, brown sugar, cumin and orange juice in the pan and cook on low until reduce by half (approx 10 min). Add the carrots and stir around in the candied glazy goodness (approx 10 min).
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Posted by cooktobang
November 18, 2015
Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella’s, but with way more umph!
Halloween is upon us. Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined. Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite for destruction. Unspeakable acts of mayhem and perversion have occurred on my Halloween watch. The fact I don’t remember much of it seems beside the point. The pretentious side of me finds the whole transformation thing very Kafka, while the idiotic derelict in me just thinks it’s a great excuse become reckless. So I always apply this theory to my pumpkins each year. My Halloween tradition is to purchase two pumpkins, one to carve into sarcastic social commentary, and the other less pretty pumpkin I demand for free becomes something delicious. So I pimped my pumpkin into a soup with Thai-style flavor. The lucky lady who joined me for the jack-off-lantern carving party did agree and demonstrated her appreciation the old fashioned way…orally.
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITOS
Ingredients (for six):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 4 cups chicken stock (use vegetable stock to make vegan)
3. 2 cups coconut milk
4. 2-3 lb pumpkin
5. Salt at your discretion
6. 1 teaspoon dried lemongrass
7. 1 onion chopped coarsely
8. 1 small handful of freshly sliced GINGER
9. Lime wedges to squeeze into soup
Step 1
Cut the ends off the pumpkin, skin it, slice in half, scoop out the seeds and gunk, and slice into chunks.
Step 2
Sauté the ginger and onions with 1 tbsp of olive oil, spicing it with lemongrass (approx 5 min). Add the pumpkin, throw in the remaining olive oil and sauté until the pumpkins soften (approx 7 min).
Step 3
Add the stock and bring to a boil. Turn the heat down low and simmer (approx 35 min). Puree the soup, add the coconut milk, and heat through. Squeeze some lime into each bowl you ladle up.
Serve up this with some Thai NOODLES and you’re sure to have a happy ending.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, spicy, thai, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetite for destruction, bang, banging, calivirgin, chicken stock, coconut milk, delicious, DIY, easy, fall, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, Halloween, harvest, homemade, intercourse, jack-o-lantern, jack-off-lantern, kafka, kitchen, lemongrass, libido, limejuice, mayhem, naked, olive oil, onion, perversion, pimpin’ pumpkin soup recipe, puree, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, spicy, tasty, thai, thai style pumpkin soup recipe, Thailand, transformation, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 16, 2015
On the ninth day of Hanukkah, give your date your body as the final gift.
Happy Hanukkah! I have banged enough ladies of the Jewish faith to make me an honorary Jew. So I understand the importance of latkes or potato pancakes to the uninitiated. They are ridiculously simple to make, delicious beyond compare, and give a sense of comfort. Those qualities are important when it comes to seducing the Chosen People. You need to put your best foot forward to impress this lot with discerning tastes and banging booties. Getting lucky requires a certain amount of gumption taking destiny in your own hands. Making perfect potato pancakes will position you nicely. Spin the dreidel like you spun the bottle pre-Bar Mitzvah. That’s two minutes in the closet, right after you finish your latkes!
Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Wine, wine and more wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. Applesauce
3. Sour Cream
4. 2 dashes paprika
5. 2 dashes black pepper
6. 2 dashes salt
7. 2 potatoes
8. ½ JALEPENO diced finely
9. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
10. 1 egg
11. 1 lime wedge
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Peel the potatoes and shred them (either use a food processor, cheese grater or peeler if you must). Combine the taters with jalapeños, 2/3 of the green onions, salt, pepper, paprika, limejuice and eggs. Mix thoroughly.
Step 2
Grease a baking pan with olive oil and then lay out 6 separate pancakes, leaving room in between them. Bake until the top end is brown (approx 30 min) and flip cooking until that side browns (approx 15 min).
Step 3
Plate up the latkes and garnish them with the traditional applesauce, sour cream and remaining sour cream.
I wish you a preemptive “Mazel Tov!” for when you get laid serving up these latkes.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, holidays, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple sauce, bake, baked latke recipe, bang, banging, banging booties, black pepper, calivirgin, chosen people, delicious, DIY, dreidel, easy, egg, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, hanukkah, homemade, intercourse, jalapeño, jew, jewish, kitchen, latke recipe, libido, lime, mazel tov, naked, olive oil, paprika, potatoes, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sour cream, spicy latke recipe, spin the bottle, tasty, two minutes in the closet, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 11, 2015
Lickable leeks + penetrated potatoes = sensual soup
Nothing can top a good leeking. Pull your mind out of the gutter because I speak only of soup and soup-related matters. And on the subject of soup, you can’t really beat hot liquid love. No, siree! This soup almost makes you wish the winter would drag on. To those snowed in with cabin fever, I said ALMOST. After hauling your ass in from the brutal bitch slap of old man winter you want something hearty to bro-hug you back to life. Lucky for you, potatoes and leeks keep quite well until the bitter end of frost. So do us all a favor and put the gun down and pick up a knife…to cut some veggies. We have abstained from using heavy, fattening cream in the hope that you don’t abstain from banging afterwards. As comforting and gratifying as this healthy, homemade soup is, there is no substitute for a warm body to touch inappropriately. So let one lead into the other. This recipe was brought to you by the International Association of Soup Groups. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, winter | Tagged: bacon, bang, brown sugar, butter, comfort food, delicious, easy, flavorful, fresh, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, healthy potato leek soup, hearty, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leek, leeking, low fat, naked, old man winter, olive oil, Potato leek soup recipe, potatoes, recipe, romance, salt, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, soup group, stew, tasty, therapeutic, turkey bacon, vegetable stock, vegetarian, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 1, 2015
Poonchiladas = Poonany – Math To Bang
I can’t go a week without banging out a new perverse recipe for Mexican food. There is something so comforting and snuggly about the ability of food South of the border (US, obv) to put an ear-to-ear grin on my face. It’s an instant crowd pleasure from a party full of dudes obsessively watching the playoffs to the sexy number you share a quiet Thursday evening with the lights down low. The best part is Mexican grub like these Poonchiladas are so easy to make that a jellyfish with a blindfold pull it off. True story. My arm is still throbbing from being stung, but the jellyfish’s was out of sight. No matter what nature show hosts might tell you, jellyfish sex is not that kinky. So what are you waiting for? If a invertebrate with only tentacles can pull off Poonchiladas, then certain you can CTB with this dish. Right? Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, bar food, black olives, blindfold, cheddar cheese, Chicano, chicken enchiladas recipe, comfort food, corn tortillas, crowd pleaser, delicious, DIY, easy, enchilada, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, invertebrate, jack cheese, jellyfish, kinky sex, kitchen, lemon, libido, mexican, mexico, naked, nature show host, NBA playoffs, NHL playoffs, olive oil, playoffs, poonchiladas recipe, recipe, red enchilada sauce, salt, seduce, sex, shredded Mexican cheese, simple chicken enchiladas recipe, skinless chicken breast, tailgate, tailgating, tasty, turn the light down low, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 26, 2015
Wango Tango Bango!
The tango is an Argentinean dance unparalleled in its complexity. Yet it is oh so much more than an awesome way to sweep someone off their feet in Buenos Aires. The seductive essence of tango runs deep in all things done with panache. You can tango on the tennis court, in the kitchen, and most decisively in the bedroom. Tango requires skill, passion and attitude unparalleled. But you are clearly clever enough since you are reading this. Pulling off a culinary seduction tango should be no more difficult than unsnapping a bra. So invite over the vivacious vegetarian, or vegan if you have the patience, or just someone sexy who likes fabulous food. Keep that rose in your teeth as you serenade them from the dining room to the bedroom. Bravo! Bravo! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, greek, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Argentina, argentine, Argentinean, avocado, baked, bang, bra, bravo, Buenos Aires, cayenne pepper, cheddar cheese, cilantro, corn tortillas, dance, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, panache, paprika, pepper, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, sex, spicy, tango, tasty, tofu, tofu taco recipe, Tofu taco tango, tomato onion, tomato paste, vegan, vegetable oil, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 14, 2015
This breakfast is like so spiritual and full of heady karma, man.
The dirty longhairs have taken over breakfast! At least one that I picked up at a summer concert did. Mind you, she was a hot young not-yet-jaded hippie, but a hippie all the same. The previous night she proved herself to be a carnivore repeatedly stuffing a certain meat into her mouth. But come morning when the alcohol and whatever mind-alerting bohemian substance she may have been on wore off, the self-righteous hippie returned. There I was casually frying up bacon when she started lecturing me all about how the poor little piggies suffered. But this hippie-crite hottie was more than happy to eat eggs, neglecting to bemoan the miserable conditions of egg-laying hens. So I assembled the veggies in my fridge and did my best to improvise. This aphrodisiac triple-threat turned out pretty damn good for a meal on the fly. Good enough for me to bang her again before I inadvertently pissed her off when she saw the sign in my bathroom that reads: HIPPIES USE SIDE DOOR (no exceptions!). That saved me the trouble of announcing I was going seal clubbing that afternoon so she would leave. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asparagus, avocado, bacon, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, bohemian, breakfast, carnivore, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, egg mchippie, egg-laying hens, English muffin, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, hippies use side door, homemade, intercourse, jaded, kitchen, libido, long hair, morning, naked, piggies, poach, recipe, salt, seal clubbing, seduce, SEDUCTION, self-righteous, sex, summer concert, tasty, toast, tomato, vegetarian, veggie egg sandwich, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 30, 2015
Of course I'll quese-do-ya!!!
Diddle me this. Diddle me that. Who’s afraid of getting fat? Not I, says the COOK TO BANG chefs who cook healthy, badass food, and then subsequently burn off those calories banging like chimpanzees on meth. So we can afford to indulge in a little turbocharged bar food every once in a while. You deserve to make something ridiculously easy that earns you props from the prissy crowd who “don’t usually indulge in such low brow foods.” So long as they put out after they are put in their place I am down to put up with them. Aren’t the whiners the most satisfying to bang senseless? It’s like wearing out their motor mouths by stuffing they with the tastiest of treats. Ain’t no stopping you from getting some peace…of ass. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, bang, bar food, Chicken mango quesadilla recipe, chicken quesadilla recipe, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, finger food, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hands off, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, mango, mango chicken recipe, mexican, mexico, naked, olive oil, quick, recipe, roast chicken, salt, sampler, seduce, sex, sports bar, tasty, tortilla, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 25, 2015
Blue 42, blue 42, hut hut bang!
Welcome to Part II of the 2010 CTB Super Bowl recipe throw down. For the uninitiated or those lacking cognitive reasoning, jambalaya is a dish native to Louisiana, New Orleans in particular. Therefore this dish is dedicated to the New Orleans Saints. My life is too consumed with cooking and banging to pay much attention to football stats. The Saints or the Colts could triumph and it wouldn’t make any difference so long as I have someone warm and cuddly in my bed that night. But in terms of the Food Bowl, New Orleans crushes Indianapolis hands down. The cuisine down South is like a wet dream jumping right off my plate and down my pantaloons. It might be the French influence, it might be the innovations of American ancestors, it might be that I am totally gay for spicy food. I wager all three. But you will turn a few heads with this dish that feeds the hungry, unwashed masses. So whomever you’re cheering for, you will leave a winner with phone numbers and possibly a football-loving hottie on your arm. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | Cajun, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, poultry, RECIPES, southern, spicy, sports, Super bowl | Tagged: ancestors, andouille sausage, bang, banging, bell peppers, black pepper, Cajun, Cajun seasoning, chicken, chicken stock, creole, cuisine, delicious, dip, DIY, easy, food, football, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, Indianapolis colts, intercourse, jamabalaya recipe, kitchen, lemon, libido, Louisiana, naked, New Orleans, new Orleans saints, nfl, olive oil, onion, pantaloons, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slow cook, south, southern, spicy, Super bowl, tasty, tomato paste, tomatoes, unwashed masses, white rice, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 23, 2015
You are the pimp and your date is your whore-tilla
Are you cursed with dating prudes who just don’t put out? This is not unlike slamming your finger in a car door, but it’s your self-esteem that cries out in pain. Your first problem is that you shouldn’t try to pick up prospective dates at a Jonas Brothers concert. And even if you are a sucker who thinks meeting a nice girl or boy is the way to go, Cook To Bang like a champ and you will make that purity rings land perfectly in the trash with nothing but net. I have faith that you can turn the rosy-cheeked innocent into your sex slave with the right approach. That’s why I developed this hearty tortilla soup for you. It’s quite healthy, has an APHRODISIAC double threat, and seems wholesome at first glance. That is exactly how you should operate. Get in under the radar and then turn your date out. Turn that nun or choirboy into your own personal whore. Now hear yourself ROAR! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, mexican, RECIPES, spanish, spicy | Tagged: Anaheim chili, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, cheese, chicken, chicken broth, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hearty, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lime, mexican, mexico, naked, olive oil, onion, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, soup, spicy, tasty, tomato, Tortilla soup recipe, tortilla strip recipe, tortillas, warm, winter, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 